92nd Academy Awards Recap: You Need To See ‘Parasite’

The longest and most packed awards season yet has finally come to a close with last night’s 2020 Oscars. While usually Hollywood gives us a f*cking break for a couple of weeks (and a chance to enjoy one single Sunday in early 2020), this year they moved the Oscars from late February to the weekend after the Super Bowl. While I’m glad that celebrities have nothing better to do, the rest of us would like to actually go to bed before midnight on a Sunday.

This year, the Oscars decided to forego a host yet again, probably because Steve Martin and Chris Rock wouldn’t agree to do it. In years past, this has been a good choice to help keep things moving, but this year instead of host monologues, they filled the time with 5-minute montages of every nominated movie for every award. The result was a Hollywood circle jerk that was FOUR HOURS LONG. Think about that. That’s half a work day. That’s about two hours longer than it needed to be. There is really no reason for it to run that long.

The Academy seemed acutely aware of all the criticisms that have been levied against it (especially in the diversity department, or lack thereof), so they decided to respond to that by having literally every presenter make some sort of joke or crack about it. I’m glad that they are at least not pretending to brush their systematic issues under the rug, and I love shade as much as the next bitch, but you know what would be a good way to fix their issues? Actually fix them and nominate more diverse contenders. It’s like when I joke about being single and lonely but never actually go on dates. 

Janelle Monáe opened the ceremony by singing the Mr. Rogers theme song, making her the only person who could be even more lovable than Tom Hanks. 

Janelle continued to prove why she’s Hollywood’s most lovable weirdo with her next song, where the background dancers were each dressed as a character from one of the nominated films. When she tried to get all the random celebrities in the audience to sing along with her by holding a mic up to their face, it was everything. Some were into it, but most were really not. Which is weird, because you’d think these people would do anything for more attention and camera time. It reminded me of when I go to a restaurant and they sing “happy birthday” to me, which is only a little traumatic.

The Presenters

Steve Martin and Chris Rock presented the first award, which Steve says was a huge demotion. One of the best moments, though, was when Chris Rock made fun of Jeff Bezos (who was in attendance for some reason), saying Bezos “thought Marriage Story was a comedy,” and that “He’s so rich he got divorced and is still the richest man on Earth.”

Josh Gad was actually hilarious for roasting our healthcare system and John Travolta’s pronunciation of Idina Menzel. #NeverForgetAdeleNazeem

Shia LaBoeuf emerged from whatever cave he’s been living in to present the award for Best Live Action Short Film. In a touching moment, he shared the stage with his Peanut Butter Falcon costar, Zack Gottsagen, who has Down syndrome. You can tell that Shia and Zack really have a special bond, and their moment together warmed my cold, dead heart.

Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig were hilariously pissed off and wouldn’t tell anyone why when presenting the award for Best Costume Design, which made sense because Kristen came dressed as a giant menstrual pad. Their singing medley about best costume design was hilarious, and not just because it brought us one of the best memes of the night, Billie Eilish’s confused reaction to their impromptu rendition of “The Thong Song”.

Will Ferrell and Julia Louis-Dreyfus were all of us trying to pretend we know what cinematography actually is. “It’s like the person who knocks on my trailer door and tells me I have to get on set!”

Diane Keaton was on another planet when she presented Best Original Screenplay with Keanu Reeves, wearing not one, but two tweed coats and a wide-brimmed hat. Basically, she looked like Carmen San Diego but in black and white. She almost opened the envelope before even announcing the nominees, and then almost dropped the envelope announcing the winner. Diane, never change.

Rebel Wilson and James Corden dressed up as Cats characters saying “no one better than us understands the importance of good visual effects,” which was expert level shade. I also was way too captivated watching them hit the mic back and forth for like, three full minutes, pretending to be cats.

The Awards

Regina King presented the award for Best Supporting Actor, with Brad Pitt winning for Once Upon A Time In Hollywood, his first Oscar win. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy for Brad, but salty that Jen was not in attendance so we could have more memes of them holding hands. Like, what, did she have something better to do last night? Brad dedicated his speech to Quentin Tarantino, saying, “the film industry would be a darker place without you.” Which leads me to believe he hasn’t seen a Tarantino movie? Because they’re pretty f*cking dark.

Toy Story 4 won for Best Animated Movie, and while the millennial in me was thrilled about it, the part of my brain that uses logic was not. Let’s call a spade a spade: Toy Story 4 was an enjoyable movie, but it did not need to happen. Toy Story 3 was a perfect close-out to the series, and now that the fourth one has one an Oscar, Disney/Pixar are going to keep marring this otherwise perfect series by bringing us a fifth movie that nobody wants or needs.

Jojo Rabbit won for Best Adapted Screenplay, and you could tell he was so nervous up there that I wanted to give him a hug. As an indigenous person from New Zealand, Taika was one of the few bits of diversity among the writing and directing nominees this year, so it was great to see him take home an award.

Laura Dern won Best Supporting Actress for her role in Marriage Story, which has got to be the only time I’ve been upset about Laura Dern winning an award. Judging by Twitter’s reactions, I’m pretty sure I’m alone on this, but still. Justice for Florence! (As an aside, I guess this means I need to watch Marriage Story, which I’m reluctant to do because my first-person account of love and dating in 2020 is bleak enough as it is.)

Elton John and Bernie Taupin won for Best Original Song in Rocketman. The song itself is kind of forgettable, but no one is gonna complain about Elton John winning an Oscar. Actually, I’m sure the people behind Frozen II are gonna complain, but maybe they should focus on fixing the plot holes in their movie first.

Joaquin Phoenix won for Best Actor in Joker, and his acceptance speech was almost as confusing as Eminem’s performance (more on that in a sec). He went from artificially inseminating cows, to talking about how bad milk is, to somehow relating it to human rights? That sounds like something I dreamed up while high, but I swear it actually happened.

Renée Zellweger won her second Best Actress Oscar for her portrayal of Judy Garland, which really was incredible. Also incredible is Renée’s journey from a few years ago, when she resurfaced in Hollywood, and all people could talk about was that her face looked different. We love a comeback story.

And of course, last but not least, Parasite really cleaned up, winning Best Original Screenplay, Best International Film, Best Director, and finally, Best Picture. Is the Academy listening to everyone (and I mean everyone)’s calls for diversity? (Maybe not, because the women still got screwed.) But still, it’s something. Everyone in the audience was thrilled for them, meaning that for once, the Academy didn’t f*ck it up—except for when they tried to dim the lights on the Parasite crew’s acceptance speeches and the entire audience chanted until they put the lights back on and gave everyone their time. Look, if you let Joaquin Phoenix ramble on about artificially inseminating cows for seven minutes, you could give the Best Picture winners more than their 45 seconds.

Performances

I’m still not sure why Eminem came out to sing “Lose Yourself” in 2020, but I do know that I cheered out loud when it happened. It was our Shakira/J.Lo Halftime Show. I would kill to be a fly on the wall in that pitch meeting. The best part of the entire awards ceremony were all the confused faces they panned to in the audience.

Cynthia Erivo looked incredible, and almost like an Oscar, performing the song from Harriet. I’m a little salty she didn’t win for this song, just because she would’ve been the youngest person to ever EGOT, but who can really be mad about losing to Elton John?

Chrissy Metz showed up to sing “I’m Standing With You” from the movie Breakthrough, which I had never heard of until *checks watch* 12 hours ago. Turns out, Chrissy Metz can actually sing, but I’m not sure why she’s doing random movies about the power of Jesus. Girl, I know those This Is Us checks are nice, so take a break.

The performance of “Into The Unknown” from Frozen II was actually really cool, because they had Elsas from a bunch of different countries sing parts of the song in their own languages. This was also smart because it meant that Idina Menzel only really had to sing one verse. Last time she sang at the Oscars, it didn’t go super great, but this time was much better. See you back here in four years for Frozen 3! 

Elton John sang the original song from Rocketman, which, as I said, is kind of forgettable. I know that he was supposed to perform the song that was nominated, but I feel like he should’ve just said f*ck it and sang a medley of his hits. Give the people “Benny & The Jets”!!!

Billie Eilish showed up to sing “Yesterday” during the in memoriam segment, and she did a great job. Sadly, I was already falling asleep by the time they got to her, but that’s not her fault *glares at the Oscar producers*. I feel like the old white men who plan the Oscars saw her win all those Grammys, and were like “who’s that girl and how do we get her?” The Academy kind of f*cked up by not including Luke Perry in the tribute, especially considering that he had a small part in Once Upon A Time In Hollywood. It felt rude, to say the least.

The 2020 Oscars managed to do the impossible and be even longer than last year, which means I’m going to need to go to bed at 8pm every night this week to make up for all the lost sleep. There were no big upsets or surprises this year (looking at you, Shape of Water), except for the fact that I didn’t really think the Academy would do the right thing and choose Parasite for Best Picture. But I’m glad they did! Overall, every win was pretty well-deserved, and there was nothing too controversial. Now just call me Bong Joon-ho, because I’m ready to drink tonight.

Images: Craig Sjodin / Getty; Giphy

2019 Oscars Recap: It’s Lady Gaga’s World, We’re Just Living In It

I think we can all agree that the 2019 Oscars were kind of boring this year. We lost a host, but what we lost in jokes we more than made up for in time. I’m not mad about that, because this year’s awards felt pretty quick, at least in comparison to the Grammys, which aged me 45 years. That being said, the 2019 Oscars were low on controversy and shocking moments—in fact, the most unpredictable part of the Oscars were the many times my live stream would randomly cut out. When my internet connection is more uncertain than the winners of the awards, we know we’re not in for a riveting night. All things considered, though, I’ll take it. I’m overall pleased the Academy decided to make this as quick and painless as possible.

Some Oscars have highs and lows. The 2019 Oscars had more like, slight variations in a plateau. It was like the equivalent of taking a Xanax or watching Great British Baking Show—or taking a Xanax and then watching Great British Baking Show.Then again, there’s something to be said for not being over-the-top just for the sake of it. So I’m breaking down everything you missed at the 2019 Oscars.

THE PRESENTERS

Instead of a host this year, the Academy just decided to show extra long clips of each movie, which worked out because if you hadn’t seen any of the Oscar movies this year except Black Panther and A Star Is Born (hi), all you had to do was tune in to the ceremony to see the nominated films in their entirety. Half the presenters felt like they were short-listed for host. I feel like this is how the Oscars is trying out the hosts for next year—this way it saves money because they don’t have to hold auditions. The other half consisted of random people answering Craigslist ads. Like, we had Barbra Streisand—movie legend—but then we also had Jennifer Lopez, who I’m surprised she even wanted to show face after her Grammys Motown tribute.

Tina Fey, Maya Rudolph, and Amy Poehler presented for Outstanding Supporting Actress and they were who everyone wished was hosting. This was kind of fucked up, it would be like if you got catfished and then the guy whose pictures the catfish stole showed up to your date to be like “hey I’m not your date and sorry you’re gonna be forever alone.”

Jason Mamoa and Helen Mirren were there to recreate The Shape of Water or something while promoting Best Documentary Feature.

Melissa McCarthy and Brian Tyree Henry presented Best Costume in silly costumes, cause at that point the Oscars were desperate for anyone to enjoy this.

JLo and Chris Evans presented for Achievement in Production Design, leading us to wonder how the hell they go about pairing people to present. We’re pretty sure The Academy just took a Buzzfeed quiz, “Pick Your Favorite Side Dish And We’ll Tell You Who to Present With At The 2019 Oscars” and that’s how they chose all these random pairings.

Emilia Clarke was presenting Jennifer Hudson, because they truly did this via Mad Libs. 

Then they had Serena Williams talk about Ally Maine, who is not actually a real person, just the main character of A Star Is Born! The Academy knew they had to give us some Lady Gaga content every 10 minutes, or else we would tune out. It was proof that all of my vision boarding actually worked. 

Keegan Michael Key flew in to introduce the song from Mary Poppins with Bette Midler singing. Well, either Bette Midler or Emily Blunt is going very unfiltered these days.

Me showing up to the pregame already drunk #oscars pic.twitter.com/g1dlQ1ZStz

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) February 25, 2019


Trevor Noah presenting Black Panther and also shading piece of sh*t Mel Gibson was exactly what I needed to not fall asleep.

Kacey Musgraves talked about a song we’ve never heard from a movie we’ve never heard—further proof that she doesn’t even go here.

John Mulaney and Awkwafina stood on stage awkwardly and talked about their panic attacks, which was hands-down the most relatable portion of the night. It just went to show us that there were so many options for people available to host this show. Like did they just not have anybody’s number except Kevin Hart’s? Chelsea Peretti was literally sitting in the audience the entire time, could they not have called her??

Sarah Paulson and Paul Rudd presented Best Visual Effects, but the winner of that award should have been whatever face cream Paul uses that has made him stop aging for the past 20 years. That goes double for Angela Bassett, who, I’d like to remind you, is SIXTY.

Samuel L Jackson and Brie Larson presented Best Original Screenplay, and they most likely smoked together right before the show. Seriously, what was up with those two?

Tessa Thompson and Michael B Jordan aka mom and dad presented for Best Original Score, which Black Panther won. I thought you couldn’t present for awards your movie was up for? Whatever. Not mad.

And finally, Julia Roberts presented Best Picture, and she seemed like she had gotten the call to do it about 10 minutes before. They had probably chosen someone old originally but then realized they didn’t want any chance that the person reading out the card would f*ck it up.

THE PERFORMANCES

Let’s be honest, the only performance anybody watching the 2019 Oscars cared about was Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper doing “Shallow”. If you try to say otherwise, I will call the police. The performances were good but also served better as bathroom breaks. I think the entire show was just The Academy knowing how much they sucked so they just were trying to be super non-polarizing. You know how the saying goes: if you have nothing nice to say, just bring Kacey Musgraves out to present a banjo duet for a song called “When A Cowboy Trades His Spurs For Wings”, which was incidentally the original name of Andy Dwyer’s song commemorating Lil Sebastian.

Adam Lambert and Jennifer Hudson performed to remind us that the American Idol reboot is more of a sh*tshow than the Oscars. Sorry, but there is nothing anyone can make me do to get me to watch a show that should have died in 2007.

Jennifer Hudson performed in an actual Supreme Court setting for the main song for RBG, looking like a bill sitting on Capitol Hill. We love J Hud, but some of those high notes did not get hit—kind of a metaphor for the show overall, actually.

Bette Midler did great performing some song from Mary Poppins that truly no one knows the name of, but it was no “I Put A Spell On You” #JusticeForHocusPocus

But truly, all of these performances paled in comparison to “Shallow”. It literally needed no intro. They just panned to the piano and Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper got up from their seats and walked onto the stage. It had been two hours and I still wasn’t ready.

Me waiting for Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper to perform Shallow #Oscars pic.twitter.com/3z4S8rnQlX

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) February 25, 2019

The performance was so emotional—on Gaga’s end, at least. Bradley, on the other hand, looked like he could not be happier to stop having to spend 24 hours a day with a woman who’s obsessed with him. Gaga looked like she was about to kiss Bradley (which, for the record, I was rooting for). Irina Shayk was in the audience sweating. She and Bradley probably had a fight when they got home.

 

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Makeup wipes save lives. #oscars

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Hands down the best part of the “Shallow” performance were the memes.

Not far from the shallow with my taste in men #Oscars pic.twitter.com/5Gx69geVs0

— sarafcarter (@sarafcarter) February 25, 2019

yup #Oscars pic.twitter.com/zNy8QJz8jQ

— Ryan Schocket (@RyanSchocket) February 25, 2019

THE AWARDS

Truly, none of the awards seemed like upsets except for Best Picture, and even that was one we could all live with because at least it wasn’t some dumb movie about a human f*cking a fish.

Regina King won best supporting actress for If Beale Street Could Talk. For the Golden Globes she brought her son, and this time around she brought her mom. I guess it’s for the best this is the last award show of the season, or else we’d see her posing with her cousin’s daughter’s roommate from BU on the red carpet. Regina King was the real winner of the night, because by winning the first award, she could spend the next three hours getting wasted.

Free Solo won for Best Documentary over RBG, proving that white men still run the world. Seriously, a movie about some dude rock climbing over one about a historic Supreme Court justice??

Black Panther won Best Costume Design, which is the only time I’ve ever cared about Best Costume Design. Black Panther won AGAIN for Best Production Design, so every white person is gonna be posting “Wakanda Forever” on their Facebook statuses today and saying stuff like “I would have voted for Obama a third time”.

At only 40 minutes into the show, three black women already won awards. I might be bored, but at least I’m not mad!

Bohemian Rhapsody won Best Sound Editing, probably because of how good everyone involved with the movie edited out the sounds of people asking questions about their abusive director … or because Rami Malek didn’t sing at all for the movie.

Bohemian Rhapsody won Best Editing for editing out all the gay sex scenes.

— Gonzalo Cordova (@GonzaloRCordova) February 25, 2019


Bohemian Rapsody also won Best Sound Mixing, and I’m still figuring out the difference between those 2 awards. Every year, I tell myself I’m finally going to look it up. Maybe next year!

Roma won Best Foreign Language film, and if you didn’t get that right on your ballot you don’t deserve to be watching The Oscars. 

Mahershala Ali won Best Supporting Actor for Green Book, his time winning that award in the last three years. Always the best supporting actor, never the bride. He wore a mix between a beanie and a Russian hat, which I guess we’ll be seeing in KITH next month, and some 1970s creeper glasses. I guess nobody told him he was going to the Oscars, not serving fair trade coffee in Bushwick.

Mahershala Ali 2019 Oscars

Bao won Best Animated Short Film, which like we never knew was a category but happy for them and also we’re hungry now. Some movie about periods won Best Short Documentary, so men will be clamoring that sexism is officially dead. Please see: Solo vs. RBG.

“I’m not crying because I’m on my period or anything” – me except I end up getting my period 2 days later #Oscars

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) February 25, 2019


Best Screenplay went to Green Book even though it was exclusively not a good film. 

BlackkKlansman won Best Adapted Screenplay, finally nabbing Spike Lee an Oscar after like, 30 years of making movies. He gave a speech that included a call to action for the 2020 election and ended with, “let’s do the right thing—you know I had to get that in there” as a “fuck-you” to the Oscars for snubbing him for Do The Right Thing. God bless Spike Lee. 

I cared more about Best Original Song than I did best picture TBH. If Shallow didn’t win I was ready to riot. I love that Gaga’s speech was inspired from “I get knocked down, but I get back up again.”

“I’ve worked hard for a long time.” – Lady Gaga winning at the #Oscars, also me after doing 10 minutes of cardio

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) February 25, 2019


Rami Malek won Best Actor for Bohemian Rapsody… but it should really be for acting like those horrible veneers were even the slightest bit not ridiculous!

Glenn was so Close to an Oscar win. Olivia Coleman won Best Actress and it was such a Kacey Musgraves Album of the Year moment. Has a single person seen The Favourite? Speak now, I want names. But Olivia’s speech was so charming and cute and the best part of the night, so it made up for the fact that probably nobody was rooting for her to win. Legit the most entertained I have been all night. Wait, should she host next year?

Green Book won Best Picture? Okay, time to say goodnight ‘n go. To the uninformed, having a segregation-era movie about a talented black piano player who tours the south in the company of his white driver, who befriends him and learns about tolerance in the process, sounds like a win for progress. In reality, Green Book is a movie where the director used to flash his penis on set “as a joke” (sure, Jan), one of the writers tweeted anti-Muslim comments, and to top it all off, the story illustrates the white savior complex and is kind of inaccurate! This is so typical Academy/white people in general—doing what’s easy to try to seem better and more progressive, when in reality being just as bad as before, if not worse.

Well, another award show where Amy Adams got dressed up to not win something. I hope they give her and Glenn Close a punch card—maybe six Oscar nominations can translate to a Critics Choice Award or something?

To sum up, Black Panther did really better than everyone expected which was great, while Bohemian Rapsody and Green Book sweept the awards people were praying would go to maybe a movie that didn’t remove the plot of AIDS or was racist. Another tragedy? There were like NO CUTS to Lady Gaga during the show and I’m kind of shocked we didn’t just have live feed just on her. The real winners of the night were Spike Lee, who had the best time out of anyone (including any of us watching), and women and immigrants, who got a shout-out in basically every speech. Hot take: nobody in Hollywood wants the wall. Now if only they could use their money and influence to do something about it?

All in all, this awards show basically felt like watching one of the Best Picture nominees: it was a little too long, a little boring, but I guess there’s worse ways to eat too much popcorn. So, congrats for surviving the Oscars and we’ll see you next awards season!

The Funniest Oscars 2018 Recap You’ll Read: Who Are All These Old People?

Last night was Hollywood’s biggest night, and after all the shit that’s been going down in the film industry this year, it’s only appropriate that the theme of the Oscars 2018 was…the Oscars. Yep, turns out that when Oscar turns 90, he also turns into a drunk sorority girl named Ashley who thinks its funny to throw an “Ashley themed” birthday party for her 21st and make everyone talk about her best moments, how much she means to everyone, and how great she is.

The secondary themes of the night were, “haha omg remember how badly we fucked up last year,” and “we’re really sorry about Harvey Weinstein.” Seriously. I wanted to tweet out “take a shot for every time someone says ‘Time’s Up’ or makes reference to the Moonlight fiasco (it was at least 6, btw),” but then I’d be responsible for multiple deaths.

Let’s break everything down, shall we?

The Host

Jimmy Kimmel is back and clearly traumatized from Moonlight-gate last year. Seriously. He will not STFU about it. Jimmy, I know you’ve been thinking about this for the better part of a year, but the rest of us forgot about it like, a day after it happened. I mean, okay, the people who made Moonlight def didn’t, but most people did.

Kimmel’s opening monologue hits on all the most important points: 1) I’m so sorry about last year but also it was not my fault, 2) Harvey Weinstein is bad (Jimmy makes enough Time’s Up jokes to almost make up for the fact that Ryan Seacrest is still allowed on the red carpet), 3) Did I mention how sorry I am about last year?, and 4) the Oscars are old as fuck. Throughout the course of the night, Jimmy makes approximately 88 jokes about Christopher Plummer being 88 years old. I hope that if I ever get to be as old as Christopher Plummer people make near-constant jokes about it until I just die.

At one point Kimmel shouts out the only person other than Harvey Weinstein to be kicked out of the Academy, a guy named Carmine Caridi, who was banned for selling screeners of movies. Because, as Kimmel points out, selling screeners of movies and systematically harassing and assaulting women over a period of decades are morally pretty equal.

I just couldn’t help but think of Carmine, at home with his pile of illegally obtained early 2000s era screeners, watching the Oscars and hearing himself get a random shoutout.

Carmine:

Kimmel also did a lot of Trump material because like, I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but Jimmy Kimmel and the president have major beef. I liked the Trump stuff personally, but if you didn’t, I’m sure there’s a whole community of angry Twitter eggs filling up the president’s mentions that would be sure to talk to you about it.

As a twist on last year’s “bring a tour group of random-ass people to the Oscars and see what happens” bit, this year Kimmel brought celebrities *to* the random-ass people, instead of the other way around.

Does anybody else get hella uncomfortable when this type of shit happens? Let these people just watch A Wrinkle In Time in peace. TBH I’d be pissed if I thought I was getting to a see a sneak peek of a movie, and then mid-way through they pause Oprah so that Gal Gadot can show up in a Kira-Kira dress and hand me a sandwich. Just imagine sitting in sweats, no makeup,  shoving handfuls of popcorn into your face in the dark and then being blindsided by Margot Robbie and Gal Gadot. I actually can’t think of anything meaner.

Speaking of not prepared to be on national television, shout out to Jimmy for picking the most clearly anxious dude rocking a Duck Dynasty hairstyle to announce the next award. I guess after Gary from Chicago stole the show last year, Kimmel decided to only give screen time to people who are actively suffering from an anxiety attack. Smooth move.

The Songs

This was a strong year in the Academy Awards’ song department, which makes sense for a year where Mary J. Blige is nominated both for best supporting actress and best song. Mary kicks off the night with her song from Mudbound, a movie I am only just now learning exists, and her chorus group brings more black people to the Oscars than there have been in the past four years combined. You’re immediately like, “Oh okay so Mary J. Blige is going to win an Oscar then.”

BUT NO! Next thing we know Gael Garcia Bernal is out here singing a song from Coco and it’s…terrible?

Like, one second Gael is singing and like, while I usually love Gael Garcia Bernal for his face, I’m not so much digging his voice. Did Jimmy Kimmel find these Coco singers on the sidewalk 10 minutes before the performance? Then out of fucking nowhere the stage turns into Disneyland and Gael is replaced with…Miguel?

This whole performance felt to me like when you turn in an assignment for class and spend the whole time making your powerpoint and PDF look amazing, but the actual content of the presentation is nonsense.

Next up we have Sufjan Stevens, whose music you might remember from the time you tried dating an indie boy in college. Sufjan rolls up in an outfit that says, “I work front of house and Willy Wonka’s factory,” and TBH I respect it. The man knows who he is.

Who knew that Sufjan Stevens just looked like a softer Jack Antonoff? #Oscars @marykatefotch

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) March 5, 2018


Next — of course — we have Common. Is it possible that Common has been at all 90 Oscars ceremonies? I seriously cannot think of one in recent memory where he has not been featured. I’m serious.

Common sings a very woke song about how we should all be woke about wokeness. It’s not that it’s bad, it’s just that Common always reminds me of like, a “cool” English teacher at a middle school. You know, the kind who lets you read rap lyrics in your poetry unit and will curse every once in a while so you know he “gets it.”

Lastly, we have Zendaya introducing a song from The Greatest Showman, and nobody is paying attention until some random woman takes out the stage and belts out the most incredible song any of us have ever heard. But how come when Keala Settle scream-sings at everyone about how “this is me,” it’s “inspiring” and “award-worthy,” but when I do it I’m “drunk in the mall” and “scaring the children?”

Mary J Blige Before That Performance: I’m literally embarrassed for anyone else who has to perform tonight.
Mary J Blige After That Performance: Oh…fuck…

After all is said and done I’m like, well it’s clearly between Mary J. Blige and this Greatest Showman song but then…nah.

It goes to Coco, which makes sense when the composers get on stage and you find out that they are the same demons responsible for bringing “Let It Go” into this world. I’m disappointed but like, whatever. Who am I to deny Mexico a win in these trying times?

Oscars 2018

The Awards

The TL;DR of the awards portion of last night’s show is that everybody loved it when that mute lady banged a fish. Personally, I got all my fish-on-person romance desires out in the 90s with The Little Mermaid, but hey, that’s just me.

The first major award of the evening goes to Sam Rockwell for Best Supporting Actor in Three Billboards. He takes the stage and immediately starts acting like a cokehead who stumbled his way into the ceremony. This is apparently is the entire Three Billboards cast aesthetic.

Oscars 2018

It’s here where Jimmy starts his “shortest speech gets a jet ski” bit that will do like, just okay for the entire evening. Every time you think the bit is dead, someone else will reference it in their speech with a joke about how they are or not going to win the jet ski. This will happen approximately 300 – 1,500 times throughout the ceremony.

One big part of the Oscars turning 90 is that we’ll spend a lot of the ceremony pretending to remember old people you’ve never heard of. The first of these is Eva Marie Saint, who comes out, announces she’s older than the Oscars, gives us a list of handsome old actors she’s worked with (she is old enough that she refers to Alfred Hitchcock as “Fred”), then hands out the Oscar for Best Costume Design.

Me: Ugh boring
Eva Marie Saint: I’m older than the Academy
Me: TEACH ME YOUR SECRETS, WITCH
Jimmy Kimmel: *rips up two more hours of 90th jokes*

I can’t believe this 90-year-old woman is presenting on stage in heels and I can barely put on real pants to go to work. #Oscars

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) March 5, 2018


Predictably, a lot of the speeches were political this year because like, IDK have you seen what’s going on in the world? (Sign up for our newsletter if not, k?)

Lupita Nyong’o and Kumail Nanjiani took time out of their Best Foreign Language Film presentation to talk about the Dreamers. Lupita also held it down last night and demanded representation for another marginalized group — people who wear glasses.

**cleans off lenses in solidarity**
Thank you Lupita. For the first time in Oscars history, I feel seen.

Supporting actress went to the legendary Allison Janney, who was serving us Medieval Times realness in an orange dress with cape sleeves. That’s not a dig — she looked amazing. But in like, a very Maid Marion way.

Allison immediately solidified her status as GOAT by starting her acceptance speech with, “I did it all by myself.” Classic. Iconic. Iconique. Allison 2020. I didn’t know it, but I was watching a meme in real time.

Ugh shortly thereafter is the obligatory mid-Oscars Star Wars bit with a CGI robot. Is it just me, or is the whole “bring an animated/CGI character on stage and have people interact with it” bit annoying? Like, I enjoyed when they did it for Toy Story’s win back in the 90s, but after that it got tired af.

Anyway, the Star Wars gang gives Kobe Bryant an Oscar, which seems pretty indicative of the weird bizarro world that is 2018.

At this point I took a break from the show because Khloé Kardashain announced she’s having a girl.

Khloé Kardashian’s baby girl wins Best Supporting Actress #Oscars #KUWTK

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) March 5, 2018


I return to Matthew McConaughey high as hell and spewing his usual nonsense. Around the country, 10,000 bloggers Google “how do you spell McCanahey?”

Matthew: Movies…they’re an illusion….literally…they’re a magic trick…alright alright alright

Now we get into the technical awards, which literally all go to Dunkirk because like, explosions and shit. Yawn.

Presenter: Here is the award for Achievements In Sound Mixing
Me: I wonder what Khloé will name her baby?

The Oscars: The Academy Awards are Hollywood’s most prestigious night!
Also The Oscars: Here’s Ansel Engort with a hotdog cannon.

Next up we have a montage about all the achievements in diversity/women’s rights/#MeToo/Time’s Up/etc… that Hollywood has made this year. A lot of this focuses on Black Panther, a movie that is not actually included in the year’s Oscars because it came out like, two weeks ago. Hopefully they remember how much they loved Black Panther next year, when it’s actually in the running for awards. *Sets calendar appointment for exactly one year from today*

Get Out takes home Best Screenplay in a stacked category, which is not only well-deserved as fuck, but it also means we get to catch another glimpse of Chelsea Peretti at the Oscars, aka a gift to all mankind.

Jordan Peele: I kept coming back to it because I knew if I could just get somebody to let me make this movie, it would be—

Me: Say no more *fires Twilight fan fiction back up after 10 years*

Everybody makes a really big deal all night about how the first woman ever is nominated for the Cinematography award, and then it just goes to the old white guy who’s won it a bunch of times. Kind of a metaphor for gender equality in America rn. This cinematography man gets up for his speech, and it’s clear he just did all the coke he had left in the bathroom cause, “FUCK IT, I’m 85 and never gonna win!”

When presenting Best Director, Emma Stone tries to have her own Natalie Portman “All Male Nominees” moment from the Golden Globes but it just like, kind of fails. This has been done, Emma. And you didn’t even have an awkward Ron Howard to stand there and look horrified as you went off script.

Oscars 2018

Anyway, Guillermo Del Toro wins for the fish sex movie because, as I said at the top of this recap, Hollywood is crazy for fish sex. As a quick refresher, four out of the past five Best Director winners are Mexican. Donald Trump is really gonna shut this shit down if we don’t give Mel Gibson more awards soon.

The next two awards were pretty predictable: Gary Oldman gets Best Actor for playing Winston Churchill (Fun fact: if you play any historical British figure, you are guaranteed an Oscar. It’s in the bylaws). Then, Frances McDormand — the living embodiment of not giving a fuck — wins for Three Billboards. All awards season Frances has been perfecting her “I didn’t realize I had to be at an awards show tonight” look for this moment.

She uses her speech to allow all the female nominees to stand, which she says is a gesture of solidarity but IMHO I think it was more of a threat. Like, “See this, men? we’ve got you fucking surrounded.”

Frances ends the speech by laughing like a maniac as all the women stand. I think she was just overwhelmed by the raw feminist energy. I get it.

Oscars 2018 Frances McDormand

Random thought: They always make Meryl sit front and center, and like literally everyone shouts her out during the show. She gets shout-outs in the monologue. Shout-outs when people are presenting. And shout-outs during speeches. It must be exhausting.

Finally, it’s the end of the night, aka the “Best Picture Do-Over,” and they drag Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty’s sad asses back from the dead to “redeem” themselves from last year. TBH, I would have respected them more if they came out for their redemption moment and just purposely fucked up the show.

Also, I literally can’t believe Warren Beatty and PwC were still invited back to the Oscars and I got written up at my job for wearing sweatpants.

With the correct card in hand, Faye and Warren deliver some news that literally none of us expected: Shape of Water is this year’s best picture. I guess the Academy wanted to push back the behavior of human men so much, they’re promoting a movie where a lady bangs a fish? On that note, anybody know a cute single merman?

So to recap, in the year that was supposed to be all about women, Lady Bird got snubbed in favor of a fish sex movie that Guillermo Del Toro thought of when he was a horny little child. Gotcha. And thus concluded the ill-advised four-hour trailer for Shape of Water.

Luckily, this insult was all made better when Jimmy Kimmel came out and told us that someone did, in fact, win the jet ski. Congrats to the random sound mixing guy that now has to figure wtf to do with an enormous jet ski. What a truly magical night!

All The Oscar-Winning Movies Summarized In Betchy Terms

The Oscars this year started off pretty vanilla, but the bat shit twist at the end made sitting through a Godfather-movie-length show worth it.  It was like the end of Bring it On when the Clovers beat the Toros and Kirsten Dunst was like oh yeah, we did steal your shit forever so you probably deserve to win. Like, the Toros were good, but the Clovers were better.

Since procrastinating is just one of a betch’s favorite past times, you probably haven’t seen all of the Oscar-winning movies yet this year. That’s okay, because we’re going to summarize them so you can still talk about them with your co-workers and not feel left out.

We’re only covering movies that actually won awards, because losers just aren’t our type.  Also we’re leaving out shorts and best costume and makeup because Suicide Squad won best makeup and we just can’t. Deal with it.

Moonlight

Won: Best Picture, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Supporting Actor

This movie was Boyhood but better. Chiron is a kid with daddy issues who ends up becoming friends with an older drug dealer in town that acts as his father figure. His mom is a crack addict, like in that song by City High we used to grind to at sixth grade dances. It’s a pretty shitty situation that Chiron is in, because of the crack head mom and absent father, but he’s resilient AF and it’s honestly inspiring. Chiron is gay but is living in a conservative and predominantly black community where coming out would be met with hostility, much like Zac Efron wanting to do the musical while also starring on the basketball team. In the end, Chiron ends up finding his childhood love and flaunts his revenge bod in front of him to show him what he missed. Turns out they still have feelings for each other and they end up together. This movie is honestly a triumph for many reasons, but in betchy terms, it’s about winning after getting rejected, not letting haters bring you down, and working through daddy issues.

La La Land
Won: Best Actress, Best Director, Best Song, Best Score, Best Cinematography, Best Production Design

This movie is about how you should always follow your dream even if you sometimes get embarrassed. It’s kind of annoying that both of the lead characters are both poor and artists and in love—it’s like, all the things we hate the most. But Ryan Gosling is undeniably hot and Emma Stone won an Oscar with her ex in the audience (who didn’t win for his noms), so that’s kind of betchy. The whole movie is just set in LA and the characters basically sing karaoke and dance around a bunch, it’s literally like karaoke because none of them are great singers except for John Legend. Emma Stone’s character is a needy gf and hates it when Ryan Gosling starts becoming successful and can’t spend as much time with her, which isn’t very chill. But in the end they both end up successful, and there’s a dope dance number in it that’s kind of like drugs.

Manchester By The Sea
Won: Best Actor, Best Original Screenplay

This movie is like a much more serious version of Young Adult but with a bro instead of Charlize Theron for a protagonist. And instead of finding out her high school sweetheart is getting married, his brother dies and he has to break the news to his brother’s son, aka his nephew. Basically Casey Affleck’s character, Lee, is a huge fuck up and has to say sorry by repairing his relationship with his nephew and his ex-wife. Sometimes you fuck up so much it takes more than an apology text and brunch to make things okay. But by the end of the film, he patches things up and they chill on a motherfucking boat, which is pretty betchy.

Hacksaw Ridge
Won: Best Film Editing, Best Sound Mixing

This movie is based on a true story about Desmond Doss, a soldier who won the Medal of Honor without killing anybody in combat. Basically Andrew Garfield plays Doss, and he’s a pacifist that doesn’t believe in killing anybody. Except much like going to an open bar and promising not to drink, he gets drafted into the war and his anti-killing belief becomes a problem. Everyone thinks he’s a coward until he saves their asses and they realize he’s actually chill. Like you might hesitate getting blackout around a sober person who might judge you, but when she’s driving you home and keeping creeps away, you’re down with her presence.

The Jungle Book
Won: Best Visual Effects

I mean, if you don’t know this one we’re not sure we can help you. He’s a boy who was raised by animals, aka every graphic designer in Brooklyn we’ve ever met. Like you can’t blame them for being immature because they are legit children who don’t understand real world responsibilities.

Zootopia
Won: Best Animated Feature

This is a movie about how everybody judges TF out of everybody else. The allegory to race is flawed obviously, because it uses animal’s biological differences to compare itself to race, which is like, awkward. But maybe it’s more like the Greek house ranking system. Like, there are some houses that the fat girls always go to, and it’s like, maybe they aren’t really harming the top houses so why do we hate them so much? Anyways, like we said, the Zootopia allegory is really flawed. But as a story it’s pretty adorable, and in the end you realize you really should never trust anyone, because literally liars exist everywhere. Especially if someone is trying to get you to hate on a certain person (or group of people), it usually means that person is the problem and not the other person. Aka when your boyfriend tells you all his exes are crazy, he’s probably the common denominator.

Salesman
Won: Best Foreign Film

Go google it, we have no idea.

Fences
Won: Best Actress In A Supporting Role

Another movie about a teenage boy with daddy issues. We’re starting to see a pattern here. In this movie, Denzel Washington is Troy, a dad that is way too proud of himself and doesn’t know how to truly connect with his family. In typical straight male way, he fucks shit up by cheating on his wife, trying to control his son, and feeling sorry for himself, and we’re still supposed to feel bad for him because he’s a tragic hero. But like, we get it, life is hard and sometimes you make mistakes. That’s what we tell ourselves when we miss our alarm because we went out the night before a test.

Arrival
Won: Best Sound Editing

This movie is about a literal alien invasion, which is how we feel when a new hot girl transfers into the school and threatens to disrupt the social order. At first Amy Adams and Jeremy Renner have to work together to try and communicate with the aliens, to see if they’re hostile or if they mean well. So basically it’s like inviting the new girl to a party as a way to see if she can hang and speak the language. Eventually though, another country deems the aliens to be dangerous and they try shooting at it. Like sooner or later, the new girl is going to hook up with someone they’re not supposed to and piss off someone, which will cause a domino effect until the order can be restored again. At the end of Arrival, Amy Adams saves the day, literally, and we think that’s pretty betchy. She also gets Jeremy Renner to fall in love with her while she’s doing her job, which is kind of badass.

OJ Made in America
Won: Best Documentary

I mean, it’s about OJ. What more do you want from us? If documentaries aren’t your thing, go watch the American Crime Story version on Netflix.

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