Listen, I’m pretty disappointed with this year’s Oscars red carpet. Normally, the E! preshow is decent enough to make up for having to watch three hours of producers and directors get passive-aggressively rushed off stage with that annoying music while they desperately try to thank their moms, but this year was a shit show of epic proportions. If you’re out of the loop, you basically just need to know that nobody wanted to stop to talk to Ryan Seacrest because of the sexual assault allegations against him. At the culmination of an award show season that’s been all about holding shitty dudes accountable, I don’t really understand why E! couldn’t just like… let a woman do it. We all know chicks on their payroll don’t make as much as men so they probably could have saved a few dollars, but hey what do I know? I’m just here to talk shit about celebrity style, so let’s get to that. Here’s the best and worst dressed 2018 Oscars edition.

Best Dressed 2018 Oscars

Tiffany Haddish

Tiffany Haddish is hands down the best dressed at the Oscars this year because she’s openly like, “fuck it, this dress was expensive and I’m going to Febreeze it and wear it again.” This is the positive Hollywood influence I’m looking for. Except, when I do it, it’s less like a $4,000 Alexander McQueen gown and more like, a $60 pleather Topshop miniskirt. Whatever, the sentiment still stands. I’m also very down with Tiffany’s UGG slippers. I’m so glad we finally have a celebrity who’s actually relatable, and not just pretending to love pizza and fall down a lot because her publicist told her it could be a good gag. Her red carpet look was not the same dress, but it was equally memorable, and I hope served as her audition for Black Panther 2 because she looks regal. I’d give her the role, I’m just saying. 

Margot Robbie

I’m usually not one for random off-the-shoulder embellishments, but Margot Robbie’s white Chanel gown is actually changing my mind. I’m pretty sure she’d still look perfect in this even if she styled it with a fried, frizzy Tonya Harding ponytail and a Marlboro Light. Every wedding gown on the next season of Say Yes to the Dress will be a knock-off of this, I’m calling it now.

Lupita Nyong’o

Lupita absolutely stunned in this Versace gown that would probably look a little bit like most of the dresses worn to a Staten Island prom in the 1980s if she wasn’t like, the most flawless person in Hollywood right now. The asymmetrical neckline, the slit—it all works.

Taraji P. Henson

Taraji P. Henson is one of the few celebrities left in this godforsaken world who still knows how to look classy with a super high leg slit and a shit ton of cleavage. Oscar looks can get boring easily because it’s kind of the stuffiest award show, but Taraji’s Vera Wang look is perfect, and it looked even better paired with the shade she threw at Ryan Seacrest.

Jennifer Garner

I really hope Jennifer Garner’s former nanny who fucked Ben Affleck is crying into a tub of ice cream right now. I mean, I’m doing it, and I didn’t even break up a marriage.

Worst Dressed 2018 Oscars

Salma Hayek

I kind of feel like I’ve seen Salma Hayek’s dress before, but that might just be due to the fact that I spent my last hangover watching JonBenet Ramsey documentaries for seven hours, and this blinged-out Gucci gown looks like it previously belonged to a child pageant star. I may or may not be temporarily blind now.

Emma Stone

Emma Stone decided to completely ignore the “it’s the Oscars, wear a gown” memo, I guess because she won last year so she doesn’t need to try this time around. It’s kind of like when you get a boyfriend and you start going out to the bar in flats because you “don’t have anyone to impress.” How come when I showed up to work in this exact outfit it was “you can’t come to work in your pajamas” and when Emma Stone did it, it was fashion?

Saoirse Ronan

Saoirse usually totally slays, but this Calvin Klein gown is giving me a dull headache. It’s what I would imagine Regina George would have worn to the spring fling if she had a regular mom who was like, “aw honey, don’t try Sears, let’s have my tailor let this out so it fits you better.”

Andra Day

Listen, mad respect to Andra Day for saying fuck it and literally just laying down on the red carpet, but this Zac Posen gown is bad news. Every award show red carpet has at least one woman who is the butt of the guaranteed “this is made out of a fugly tablecloth from my grandma’s house” joke (we will have two), and not only does this look like an elderly woman’s tapestry, it also looks like its original purpose was for a Renaissance Fair.

St. Vincent

I saw a lot of tweets praising St. Vincent for whatever it is she’s trying to wear here, which has led me to the conclusion that it’s probably time for me to stop chasing retweets and put my efforts into selling flat tummy tea, because obviously everyone on Twitter is fucking insane. This look reminds me of something a sorority girl would craft out a trash bag for an Anything But Clothes mixer. Or like, maybe the aesthetic is slutty funeral? Much like this outfit, I can’t decide what I’m going for.

Zendaya

It physically pains me to put Zendaya on any kind of worst dressed list, but this flappy brown chiffon Giambattista Valli gown does not make her exempt from a good shit-talking. This list isn’t personal, it’s just that I hate your fashion choices and am now questioning your judgment and taste. Sure, I might just be biased on this dress because I spent 2005 wearing a lot of brown gauchos and Limited Too graphic tees with slogans like, “I’m adorable, DEAL WITH IT,” but chocolate brown is a color that will never work unless you are a hot UPS delivery guy who’s very receptive to the Bend and Snap.

Kelly Ripa

I just have two quick questions for Kelly Ripa. The first is, what are you on that made you think wearing a massive pink and neon green bow on your butt would be a good idea? This dress is the definition of a mullet. The second question is, can you hook me up with your plug?

Whoopi Goldberg

Whoopi’s dress was made for her by Project Runway winner Christian Siriano—apparently this week’s challenge was to make a dress out of your grandmother’s shower curtains.

Adam Rippon

Adam Rippon is 28, but he looks like a high schooler who found his parents’ stash of bondage gear. He definitely still gets carded at the leather bar. This is why they need to stop making 50 Shades movies.

Can’t get enough of our shit-talking? Read the full 2018 Oscars recap. We promise it’s wayyyy more entertaining (and shorter) than the actual show.

By now, we all know that the Oscars ended with a trainwreck of a Best Picture announcement. This gave no less than three people the chance to make awkward acceptance speeches in which they thanked people who perhaps should’ve done a better job so that the movie they were being mistakenly thanked for actually won. But approximately 4-5 hours earlier, all eyes were on the red carpet, where there were some amazing moments and some major fails. Hey, at least Anne Hathaway wasn’t there this year. Let’s see who can sit with us and who needs to try Sears next year.

What in the Steve Harvey happened? Read our Oscars recap to find out!

Dakota Johnson

Okay so I get that this is supposed to be super high fashion but what the fuck is this? If the Real Housewives existed in the 1980s, this is what they would’ve worn to dinner parties. Seriously, she needs to burn this dress ASAP, and also use some volumizing spray or something on her hair.

Isabelle Huppert

Isabelle is like the grandma version of that hot girl from college who went to Swiss boarding school and was way too cool for you to ever talk to. She’s probably one of the only people over 60 who could rock an ear cuff and black nails, and they weirdly work perfectly with her white Armani dress. We’re obsessed.

Janelle Monae

Janelle has always loved a quirky outfit, so she wasn’t letting her Oscars moment go to waste. Her dress was supposedly Elie Saab, but we’re pretty sure we’ve seen it in every painting from England in the 1500s. Henry the 8th loved a sheer bodice, didn’t you know?

Felicity Jones

Felicity must have known no one would care about what she was wearing this year, so she showed up in Dior’s version of a third-grade ballet recital costume. Simple can be a good thing, but this outfit kind of screams “virgin on prom night.”

Mahershala Ali

Mahershala is our tall, dark, and handsome dream man, and he didn’t disappoint in all black. I mean, Betches love all black. Oh, and he won an Oscar. Seriously, is it just us or is it hot in here?

Emma Stone

Emma Stone is obvi gorgeous, but isn’t this a little safe? Like, this is basically what Mia from La La Land would wear if she got dragged to a cocktail party by her boring boyfriend from the beginning of the movie. Emma, you’re a big Oscar winner now, step it the fuck up.

Michelle Williams

First of all, Michelle brings Busy Phillips as her date to every award show. Y’all fucking? But real talk, her plunging neckline and raggedy looking skirt is a little played out. It also looks like she’s wearing a sarong underneath a long skirt. We’re a little confused as to why her hair keeps getting shorter, like won’t you be bald soon?

Kirsten Dunst

Okay we’re very confused by this. Her waist looks tiny (good job girl), but the top gets so wide that her boobs look ginormous. Did she get a boob job since the Golden Globes? Also, why does she look so worn-out and tired? I get that nationals are in just a few weeks but don’t let Sparky Polastri get you down. Get an assistant to follow you around with spirit fingers or some shit and perk the fuck up.  

Taraji P. Henson

Stunning. Flawless. Yas. Taraji literally doesn’t age, and her blue velvet off-the-shoulder look is like so good it hurts. Ugh, does this mean we finally need to start watching Empire?

Charlize Theron

Her dress was meh, but our issue was really with her hair. Did she accidentally go to a men’s hairstylist? There was something seriously weird about the wavy side bangs, and that ponytail is pathetically short. Charlize is probably like the 7th prettiest person in the world, so this is really a missed opportunity.

Meryl Streep

Even though Karl Lagerfeld said Meryl was too cheap to wear a Chanel gown, she looked like the classy legend she is. Tbh she could literally wear Snuggie and we would say nice things, because she’s obviously NOT overrated.

Ryan Gosling

Oh Ryan, sweet Ryan. Why why WHY does your tuxedo shirt have those fugly black ruffles? Did you just get back from a salsa class? Is this a trend in Canada rn?? Did Eva Mendes’ grandparents bring it back from their last trip to Cuba? Soooo many questions.

Halle Berry

Halle’s always had some unconventional hairstyles, and this year she decided to go with a weird curly mop that basically makes her look like a black little orphan Annie. Versace claims to have made the dress, but it really has to be the same person who designed all those modern dance costumes we wore in middle school.

The Best & Worst Beauty Looks From The Oscars

Nicole Kidman

Nicole wore a flesh-colored gown for approximately the millionth time, but it’s way better than her Golden Globes dress, which was basically a beaded corset with pool floaties on the sleeves. Nicole gives zero fucks about the fact that this color makes her looking washed out, and I kind of respect that. Still, the dress kind of looks like she hot glued some doilies on the front at the last minute. Her jewelry was nice, but she always has this tragic accessory named Keith Urban hanging on her arm.

Viola Davis

Viola finally won her Oscar, and she looked fucking amazing. Someone tell us how to get away with murder, because we would literally kill for this dress.

Scarlett Johansson

ScarJo was only there to present an award this year, so she clearly gave zero fucks about her outfit which must be why she purchased her belt from Hot Topic. Along with her edgy lesbian haircut, she basically just threw on an oversized floral scarf, added a belt, and called it a night. And by the way, it’s an Alaia.