Last night was Hollywood’s biggest night, and after all the shit that’s been going down in the film industry this year, it’s only appropriate that the theme of the Oscars 2018 was…the Oscars. Yep, turns out that when Oscar turns 90, he also turns into a drunk sorority girl named Ashley who thinks its funny to throw an “Ashley themed” birthday party for her 21st and make everyone talk about her best moments, how much she means to everyone, and how great she is.

The secondary themes of the night were, “haha omg remember how badly we fucked up last year,” and “we’re really sorry about Harvey Weinstein.” Seriously. I wanted to tweet out “take a shot for every time someone says ‘Time’s Up’ or makes reference to the Moonlight fiasco (it was at least 6, btw),” but then I’d be responsible for multiple deaths.

Let’s break everything down, shall we?

The Host

Jimmy Kimmel is back and clearly traumatized from Moonlight-gate last year. Seriously. He will not STFU about it. Jimmy, I know you’ve been thinking about this for the better part of a year, but the rest of us forgot about it like, a day after it happened. I mean, okay, the people who made Moonlight def didn’t, but most people did.

Kimmel’s opening monologue hits on all the most important points: 1) I’m so sorry about last year but also it was not my fault, 2) Harvey Weinstein is bad (Jimmy makes enough Time’s Up jokes to almost make up for the fact that Ryan Seacrest is still allowed on the red carpet), 3) Did I mention how sorry I am about last year?, and 4) the Oscars are old as fuck. Throughout the course of the night, Jimmy makes approximately 88 jokes about Christopher Plummer being 88 years old. I hope that if I ever get to be as old as Christopher Plummer people make near-constant jokes about it until I just die.

At one point Kimmel shouts out the only person other than Harvey Weinstein to be kicked out of the Academy, a guy named Carmine Caridi, who was banned for selling screeners of movies. Because, as Kimmel points out, selling screeners of movies and systematically harassing and assaulting women over a period of decades are morally pretty equal.

I just couldn’t help but think of Carmine, at home with his pile of illegally obtained early 2000s era screeners, watching the Oscars and hearing himself get a random shoutout.

Carmine:

Kimmel also did a lot of Trump material because like, I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but Jimmy Kimmel and the president have major beef. I liked the Trump stuff personally, but if you didn’t, I’m sure there’s a whole community of angry Twitter eggs filling up the president’s mentions that would be sure to talk to you about it.

As a twist on last year’s “bring a tour group of random-ass people to the Oscars and see what happens” bit, this year Kimmel brought celebrities *to* the random-ass people, instead of the other way around.

Does anybody else get hella uncomfortable when this type of shit happens? Let these people just watch A Wrinkle In Time in peace. TBH I’d be pissed if I thought I was getting to a see a sneak peek of a movie, and then mid-way through they pause Oprah so that Gal Gadot can show up in a Kira-Kira dress and hand me a sandwich. Just imagine sitting in sweats, no makeup,  shoving handfuls of popcorn into your face in the dark and then being blindsided by Margot Robbie and Gal Gadot. I actually can’t think of anything meaner.

Speaking of not prepared to be on national television, shout out to Jimmy for picking the most clearly anxious dude rocking a Duck Dynasty hairstyle to announce the next award. I guess after Gary from Chicago stole the show last year, Kimmel decided to only give screen time to people who are actively suffering from an anxiety attack. Smooth move.

The Songs

This was a strong year in the Academy Awards’ song department, which makes sense for a year where Mary J. Blige is nominated both for best supporting actress and best song. Mary kicks off the night with her song from Mudbound, a movie I am only just now learning exists, and her chorus group brings more black people to the Oscars than there have been in the past four years combined. You’re immediately like, “Oh okay so Mary J. Blige is going to win an Oscar then.”

BUT NO! Next thing we know Gael Garcia Bernal is out here singing a song from Coco and it’s…terrible?

Like, one second Gael is singing and like, while I usually love Gael Garcia Bernal for his face, I’m not so much digging his voice. Did Jimmy Kimmel find these Coco singers on the sidewalk 10 minutes before the performance? Then out of fucking nowhere the stage turns into Disneyland and Gael is replaced with…Miguel?

This whole performance felt to me like when you turn in an assignment for class and spend the whole time making your powerpoint and PDF look amazing, but the actual content of the presentation is nonsense.

Next up we have Sufjan Stevens, whose music you might remember from the time you tried dating an indie boy in college. Sufjan rolls up in an outfit that says, “I work front of house and Willy Wonka’s factory,” and TBH I respect it. The man knows who he is.

Who knew that Sufjan Stevens just looked like a softer Jack Antonoff? #Oscars @marykatefotch

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) March 5, 2018

Next — of course — we have Common. Is it possible that Common has been at all 90 Oscars ceremonies? I seriously cannot think of one in recent memory where he has not been featured. I’m serious.

Common sings a very woke song about how we should all be woke about wokeness. It’s not that it’s bad, it’s just that Common always reminds me of like, a “cool” English teacher at a middle school. You know, the kind who lets you read rap lyrics in your poetry unit and will curse every once in a while so you know he “gets it.”

Lastly, we have Zendaya introducing a song from The Greatest Showman, and nobody is paying attention until some random woman takes out the stage and belts out the most incredible song any of us have ever heard. But how come when Keala Settle scream-sings at everyone about how “this is me,” it’s “inspiring” and “award-worthy,” but when I do it I’m “drunk in the mall” and “scaring the children?”

Mary J Blige Before That Performance: I’m literally embarrassed for anyone else who has to perform tonight.
Mary J Blige After That Performance: Oh…fuck…

After all is said and done I’m like, well it’s clearly between Mary J. Blige and this Greatest Showman song but then…nah.

It goes to Coco, which makes sense when the composers get on stage and you find out that they are the same demons responsible for bringing “Let It Go” into this world. I’m disappointed but like, whatever. Who am I to deny Mexico a win in these trying times?

The Awards

The TL;DR of the awards portion of last night’s show is that everybody loved it when that mute lady banged a fish. Personally, I got all my fish-on-person romance desires out in the 90s with The Little Mermaid, but hey, that’s just me.

The first major award of the evening goes to Sam Rockwell for Best Supporting Actor in Three Billboards. He takes the stage and immediately starts acting like a cokehead who stumbled his way into the ceremony. This is apparently is the entire Three Billboards cast aesthetic.

It’s here where Jimmy starts his “shortest speech gets a jet ski” bit that will do like, just okay for the entire evening. Every time you think the bit is dead, someone else will reference it in their speech with a joke about how they are or not going to win the jet ski. This will happen approximately 300 – 1,500 times throughout the ceremony.

One big part of the Oscars turning 90 is that we’ll spend a lot of the ceremony pretending to remember old people you’ve never heard of. The first of these is Eva Marie Saint, who comes out, announces she’s older than the Oscars, gives us a list of handsome old actors she’s worked with (she is old enough that she refers to Alfred Hitchcock as “Fred”), then hands out the Oscar for Best Costume Design.

Me: Ugh boring
Eva Marie Saint: I’m older than the Academy
Me: TEACH ME YOUR SECRETS, WITCH
Jimmy Kimmel: *rips up two more hours of 90th jokes*

I can’t believe this 90-year-old woman is presenting on stage in heels and I can barely put on real pants to go to work. #Oscars

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) March 5, 2018

Predictably, a lot of the speeches were political this year because like, IDK have you seen what’s going on in the world? (Sign up for our newsletter if not, k?)

Lupita Nyong’o and Kumail Nanjiani took time out of their Best Foreign Language Film presentation to talk about the Dreamers. Lupita also held it down last night and demanded representation for another marginalized group — people who wear glasses.

**cleans off lenses in solidarity**
Thank you Lupita. For the first time in Oscars history, I feel seen.

Supporting actress went to the legendary Allison Janney, who was serving us Medieval Times realness in an orange dress with cape sleeves. That’s not a dig — she looked amazing. But in like, a very Maid Marion way.

Allison immediately solidified her status as GOAT by starting her acceptance speech with, “I did it all by myself.” Classic. Iconic. Iconique. Allison 2020. I didn’t know it, but I was watching a meme in real time.

Ugh shortly thereafter is the obligatory mid-Oscars Star Wars bit with a CGI robot. Is it just me, or is the whole “bring an animated/CGI character on stage and have people interact with it” bit annoying? Like, I enjoyed when they did it for Toy Story’s win back in the 90s, but after that it got tired af.

Anyway, the Star Wars gang gives Kobe Bryant an Oscar, which seems pretty indicative of the weird bizarro world that is 2018.

At this point I took a break from the show because Khloé Kardashain announced she’s having a girl.

Khloé Kardashian’s baby girl wins Best Supporting Actress #Oscars #KUWTK

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) March 5, 2018

I return to Matthew McConaughey high as hell and spewing his usual nonsense. Around the country, 10,000 bloggers Google “how do you spell McCanahey?”

Matthew: Movies…they’re an illusion….literally…they’re a magic trick…alright alright alright

Now we get into the technical awards, which literally all go to Dunkirk because like, explosions and shit. Yawn.

Presenter: Here is the award for Achievements In Sound Mixing
Me: I wonder what Khloé will name her baby?

The Oscars: The Academy Awards are Hollywood’s most prestigious night!
Also The Oscars: Here’s Ansel Engort with a hotdog cannon.

Next up we have a montage about all the achievements in diversity/women’s rights/#MeToo/Time’s Up/etc… that Hollywood has made this year. A lot of this focuses on Black Panther, a movie that is not actually included in the year’s Oscars because it came out like, two weeks ago. Hopefully they remember how much they loved Black Panther next year, when it’s actually in the running for awards. *Sets calendar appointment for exactly one year from today*

Get Out takes home Best Screenplay in a stacked category, which is not only well-deserved as fuck, but it also means we get to catch another glimpse of Chelsea Peretti at the Oscars, aka a gift to all mankind.

Jordan Peele: I kept coming back to it because I knew if I could just get somebody to let me make this movie, it would be—

Me: Say no more *fires Twilight fan fiction back up after 10 years*

Everybody makes a really big deal all night about how the first woman ever is nominated for the Cinematography award, and then it just goes to the old white guy who’s won it a bunch of times. Kind of a metaphor for gender equality in America rn. This cinematography man gets up for his speech, and it’s clear he just did all the coke he had left in the bathroom cause, “FUCK IT, I’m 85 and never gonna win!”

When presenting Best Director, Emma Stone tries to have her own Natalie Portman “All Male Nominees” moment from the Golden Globes but it just like, kind of fails. This has been done, Emma. And you didn’t even have an awkward Ron Howard to stand there and look horrified as you went off script.

Anyway, Guillermo Del Toro wins for the fish sex movie because, as I said at the top of this recap, Hollywood is crazy for fish sex. As a quick refresher, four out of the past five Best Director winners are Mexican. Donald Trump is really gonna shut this shit down if we don’t give Mel Gibson more awards soon.

The next two awards were pretty predictable: Gary Oldman gets Best Actor for playing Winston Churchill (Fun fact: if you play any historical British figure, you are guaranteed an Oscar. It’s in the bylaws). Then, Frances McDormand — the living embodiment of not giving a fuck — wins for Three Billboards. All awards season Frances has been perfecting her “I didn’t realize I had to be at an awards show tonight” look for this moment.

She uses her speech to allow all the female nominees to stand, which she says is a gesture of solidarity but IMHO I think it was more of a threat. Like, “See this, men? we’ve got you fucking surrounded.”

Frances ends the speech by laughing like a maniac as all the women stand. I think she was just overwhelmed by the raw feminist energy. I get it.

Random thought: They always make Meryl sit front and center, and like literally everyone shouts her out during the show. She gets shout-outs in the monologue. Shout-outs when people are presenting. And shout-outs during speeches. It must be exhausting.

Finally, it’s the end of the night, aka the “Best Picture Do-Over,” and they drag Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty’s sad asses back from the dead to “redeem” themselves from last year. TBH, I would have respected them more if they came out for their redemption moment and just purposely fucked up the show.

Also, I literally can’t believe Warren Beatty and PwC were still invited back to the Oscars and I got written up at my job for wearing sweatpants.

With the correct card in hand, Faye and Warren deliver some news that literally none of us expected: Shape of Water is this year’s best picture. I guess the Academy wanted to push back the behavior of human men so much, they’re promoting a movie where a lady bangs a fish? On that note, anybody know a cute single merman?

So to recap, in the year that was supposed to be all about women, Lady Bird got snubbed in favor of a fish sex movie that Guillermo Del Toro thought of when he was a horny little child. Gotcha. And thus concluded the ill-advised four-hour trailer for Shape of Water.

Luckily, this insult was all made better when Jimmy Kimmel came out and told us that someone did, in fact, win the jet ski. Congrats to the random sound mixing guy that now has to figure wtf to do with an enormous jet ski. What a truly magical night!