All The Oscar-Winning Movies Summarized In Betchy Terms

The Oscars this year started off pretty vanilla, but the bat shit twist at the end made sitting through a Godfather-movie-length show worth it.  It was like the end of Bring it On when the Clovers beat the Toros and Kirsten Dunst was like oh yeah, we did steal your shit forever so you probably deserve to win. Like, the Toros were good, but the Clovers were better.

Since procrastinating is just one of a betch’s favorite past times, you probably haven’t seen all of the Oscar-winning movies yet this year. That’s okay, because we’re going to summarize them so you can still talk about them with your co-workers and not feel left out.

We’re only covering movies that actually won awards, because losers just aren’t our type.  Also we’re leaving out shorts and best costume and makeup because Suicide Squad won best makeup and we just can’t. Deal with it.

Moonlight

Won: Best Picture, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Supporting Actor

This movie was Boyhood but better. Chiron is a kid with daddy issues who ends up becoming friends with an older drug dealer in town that acts as his father figure. His mom is a crack addict, like in that song by City High we used to grind to at sixth grade dances. It’s a pretty shitty situation that Chiron is in, because of the crack head mom and absent father, but he’s resilient AF and it’s honestly inspiring. Chiron is gay but is living in a conservative and predominantly black community where coming out would be met with hostility, much like Zac Efron wanting to do the musical while also starring on the basketball team. In the end, Chiron ends up finding his childhood love and flaunts his revenge bod in front of him to show him what he missed. Turns out they still have feelings for each other and they end up together. This movie is honestly a triumph for many reasons, but in betchy terms, it’s about winning after getting rejected, not letting haters bring you down, and working through daddy issues.

La La Land
Won: Best Actress, Best Director, Best Song, Best Score, Best Cinematography, Best Production Design

This movie is about how you should always follow your dream even if you sometimes get embarrassed. It’s kind of annoying that both of the lead characters are both poor and artists and in love—it’s like, all the things we hate the most. But Ryan Gosling is undeniably hot and Emma Stone won an Oscar with her ex in the audience (who didn’t win for his noms), so that’s kind of betchy. The whole movie is just set in LA and the characters basically sing karaoke and dance around a bunch, it’s literally like karaoke because none of them are great singers except for John Legend. Emma Stone’s character is a needy gf and hates it when Ryan Gosling starts becoming successful and can’t spend as much time with her, which isn’t very chill. But in the end they both end up successful, and there’s a dope dance number in it that’s kind of like drugs.

Manchester By The Sea
Won: Best Actor, Best Original Screenplay

This movie is like a much more serious version of Young Adult but with a bro instead of Charlize Theron for a protagonist. And instead of finding out her high school sweetheart is getting married, his brother dies and he has to break the news to his brother’s son, aka his nephew. Basically Casey Affleck’s character, Lee, is a huge fuck up and has to say sorry by repairing his relationship with his nephew and his ex-wife. Sometimes you fuck up so much it takes more than an apology text and brunch to make things okay. But by the end of the film, he patches things up and they chill on a motherfucking boat, which is pretty betchy.

Hacksaw Ridge
Won: Best Film Editing, Best Sound Mixing

This movie is based on a true story about Desmond Doss, a soldier who won the Medal of Honor without killing anybody in combat. Basically Andrew Garfield plays Doss, and he’s a pacifist that doesn’t believe in killing anybody. Except much like going to an open bar and promising not to drink, he gets drafted into the war and his anti-killing belief becomes a problem. Everyone thinks he’s a coward until he saves their asses and they realize he’s actually chill. Like you might hesitate getting blackout around a sober person who might judge you, but when she’s driving you home and keeping creeps away, you’re down with her presence.

The Jungle Book
Won: Best Visual Effects

I mean, if you don’t know this one we’re not sure we can help you. He’s a boy who was raised by animals, aka every graphic designer in Brooklyn we’ve ever met. Like you can’t blame them for being immature because they are legit children who don’t understand real world responsibilities.

Zootopia
Won: Best Animated Feature

This is a movie about how everybody judges TF out of everybody else. The allegory to race is flawed obviously, because it uses animal’s biological differences to compare itself to race, which is like, awkward. But maybe it’s more like the Greek house ranking system. Like, there are some houses that the fat girls always go to, and it’s like, maybe they aren’t really harming the top houses so why do we hate them so much? Anyways, like we said, the Zootopia allegory is really flawed. But as a story it’s pretty adorable, and in the end you realize you really should never trust anyone, because literally liars exist everywhere. Especially if someone is trying to get you to hate on a certain person (or group of people), it usually means that person is the problem and not the other person. Aka when your boyfriend tells you all his exes are crazy, he’s probably the common denominator.

Salesman
Won: Best Foreign Film

Go google it, we have no idea.

Fences
Won: Best Actress In A Supporting Role

Another movie about a teenage boy with daddy issues. We’re starting to see a pattern here. In this movie, Denzel Washington is Troy, a dad that is way too proud of himself and doesn’t know how to truly connect with his family. In typical straight male way, he fucks shit up by cheating on his wife, trying to control his son, and feeling sorry for himself, and we’re still supposed to feel bad for him because he’s a tragic hero. But like, we get it, life is hard and sometimes you make mistakes. That’s what we tell ourselves when we miss our alarm because we went out the night before a test.

Arrival
Won: Best Sound Editing

This movie is about a literal alien invasion, which is how we feel when a new hot girl transfers into the school and threatens to disrupt the social order. At first Amy Adams and Jeremy Renner have to work together to try and communicate with the aliens, to see if they’re hostile or if they mean well. So basically it’s like inviting the new girl to a party as a way to see if she can hang and speak the language. Eventually though, another country deems the aliens to be dangerous and they try shooting at it. Like sooner or later, the new girl is going to hook up with someone they’re not supposed to and piss off someone, which will cause a domino effect until the order can be restored again. At the end of Arrival, Amy Adams saves the day, literally, and we think that’s pretty betchy. She also gets Jeremy Renner to fall in love with her while she’s doing her job, which is kind of badass.

OJ Made in America
Won: Best Documentary

I mean, it’s about OJ. What more do you want from us? If documentaries aren’t your thing, go watch the American Crime Story version on Netflix.

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UPDATE: We Were 100% Correct About The Best Picture Fiasco

Head Pro will entertain your conspiracy theories via email at [email protected]

Let’s take a walk back through history, friends. The time is… uh, Monday, roughly around the same time. As the world was still reeling from a major Oscars fuckup wherein Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway mistakenly announced La La Land as the Best Picture winner. While I was aware of the stated explanation (a simple mixup involving duplicate winner’s envelopes), my finely-tuned bullshit detector knew something was up.

I offered a couple (extremely) plausible alternative explanations, including this one:

Oscars Mixup Theory
Then, late last night, Page Six published this gem:

Brian Cullinan, a partner at PricewaterhouseCoopers, which handles the Oscars voting, giddily posted a photo of La La Land star Emma Stone just three minutes before giving Beatty what was supposed to be the envelope containing the name of the Best Picture.

“Best Actress Emma Stone Backstage!” Cullinan tweeted at 9:05 p.m. PST, according to the Wall Street Journal. The newspaper obtained a copy of the post before it was yanked, allegedly along with the slew of other tweets the on-duty accountant sent out during the show.

PwC went on to acknowledge and apologize for the “breaches of existing protocol,” leaving out the part where the breaches happened in the first place because one of their partners (a meaningless distinction at places like PwC) wanted to fuck Emma Stone.

Do you hear that sound? It’s the sound of me being right, ruling super hard, speaking truth to power and swooping Emma Stone (citation needed). I should be president.

The Oscars Had Another F*ck-Up No One’s Talking About

We’ve already discussed the colossal fuck-up from last night’s Oscars that will go down in history—awarding Best Picture aka the pinnacle achievement to the wrong fucking film—but now it turns out that there was another cringeworthy error made during the night. This was part of the “in memoriam” segment that pays tribute to people in the film industry that recently passed away, in other words a pre-recorded video requiring third grade PowerPoint skills that’s the same every year. You’d think it’d be impossible for anything to go wrong here, but much like Dakota Johnson’s dress, it was extremely insulting and embarrassing for everyone involved.

The Best Dressed At The Oscars & Who Needs To Try Sears

Basically what happened was that the segment displayed a picture of Jan Chapman, an Australian producer who *spoiler alert* isn’t dead. Some fucking idiot confused her with Janet Patterson, an Australian costume designer who died in October and was a four-time Oscar nominee. TBCH I don’t know who either of these people are, but someone who should probably know is the person who oversees the production of the fucking Academy Awards. Or they could’ve at least used Google Images rather than take a wild guess while high, which is clearly what happened.

Janet Patterson Vs Jan Chapman

The whole situation is v offensive to Jan and Janet, who both got absolutely roasted in what was supposed to be a moment of honor. Jan is now blasting her social media accounts and probably regretting all those nights she chose to stay in recently because a good amount of people legit thought she was no longer alive, and Janet got the shittiest memorial ever because no one in the Academy knew her well enough to realize that photo openly wasn’t of her. Overall this was just too savage on the part of the Oscars, and we hope this is peak award show awkwardness because we’re already out of Xanax for the year and it’s not even March.

How Do Celebs Prepare For Award Shows? Their Secrets To Looking Really Pretty

If you were watching the Oscars last night and were trying to figure out how these people show up looking fucking flawless, join the club. Celebs obviously have to be abnormally skinny and good-looking by default, but like, at what cost? I mean, don’t get me wrong—Emma Stone looked pretty decent in Lala Land, but professionals are paid to edit that shit. 

What in the Steve Harvey happened last night? Read our Oscars recap!

We wanted to know what kind of prep goes on before the red carpet, so we did some research into the glamorous lives (and weird diets) of Hollywood’s elite. If you thought stars were actually just like us, think again. Here’s what the celebs do to get ready for the red carpet:   

1. They Get Their Faces Shaved

This is not a joke, and it’s not a mistake that some 6th grade girl made because she was too scared to ask her mom for a wax. Celebs literally get their faces shaved before the red carpet and the treatment is technically called Dermaflash. Apparently, by getting rid of some excess peach fuzz and exfoliating your skin, you get that extra fresh glow that “flashing” provides. J.Lo and Jennifer Garner were both spotted getting their “flashing” done at the Beverly Hills Hot Springs and their skin is unreal, so like, we’re trying not to judge. 

2. They Get Their Cheekbones Accentuated

We’ve been getting facials before events ever since our middle school graduations, but when it comes to award shows, celebs go to specific professionals who know how to literally manipulate your face to look better on camera. There are specific pros in LA that will only take nominees’ appointments on the day of the Oscars. For example, celeb fave Joanna Vargas is known for her Oxygen Purifying Facial, which uses medical-grade oxygen to erase dull skin and create finer lines to get your cheekbones to look like they’re popping out of your face. Goals, right?

3. They Get Blood Injected Into Their Faces

Botox appointments are just as regular as teeth cleanings in the celeb world, but when it comes to the Oscars, the regular injection doesn’t make the cut. Celebs like Kim Kardashian swear by the “Vampire Facial Lift,” which literally injects blood back into your face by using platelet rich plasma. Apparently it helps make your eyes look wider and your skin look super rejuvenated, and results are immediate. BRB, throwing up.

4. They Wrap Ice Cubes Onto Their Faces

A few days before the show, celebs are having this funky ice concoction wrapped onto their faces. Dr. Nigma Talib, an LA-based naturopathic doctor, works with stars before the Oscars through “icing” their faces. Icing is a process meant to de-puff your face, make your pores more refined, and take away any redness in your skin. She mixes together cucumber water, aloe vera juice, turmeric root, and water into a blender, and then freezes the liquid in an ice tray. Once they’re frozen, she wraps the ice cubes in a washcloth onto their skin until it’s all melted. Sounds pretty unpleasant and it’s probably freezing AF. Aren’t they cold enough from dieting all year-round?

5. They Put Jellyfish On Their Faces

This is another treatment that is super trendy right now in Hollywood, and it sounds like a high school bio experiment we decided to ditch. The jellyfish mask is made from jellyfish collagen, which is supposed to hydrate and firm your face to give you a youthful glow on camera. I don’t even wanna know how much this absurd treatment costs, but you couldn’t pay me to stick a jellyfish on my face. I know it makes you look good, but there are Instagram filters that do that too. We will be doing a follow-up analysis on if anybody ever has to have their face peed on if this treatment goes wrong.

6. They Cut Out Sugar, Gluten, Dairy, & Booze

Try telling a waiter that you’re sugar-free, dairy-free, gluten-free, and you don’t need a cocktail menu either. Celebs like Kate Bosworth, Penelope Cruz, and Sienna Miller follow this no-fun diet for weeks leading up to the Oscars, and it sounds pretty brutal. The worst part is, they probably can’t even complain about it because all their famous friends are on the same fucking diet. I just hope they at least get shitfaced at the afterparty. 

The Best & Worst Beauty Looks From The Oscars

How The Oscars Best Picture Mistake Happened: Some Theories

The Oscars were last night, but because I have good taste and value my time I instead elected to go see John Wick Chapter 2 before drinking beer and watching a shitload of HGTV.  So imagine my non-surprise to wake up and find out that the auspicious event was marred by SCANDAL. Specifically, Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway read the wrong card, mistakenly announcing La La Land as Best Picture, before quickly correcting course and announcing Moonlight as the actual winner.

What In The Steve Harvey Just Happened? Read our Oscars 2017 recap here!

(They also used the wrong picture for a lady who passed away in 2016, which, goddamn guys.)

Of course, along with the expected terrible memes and jokes circulating in response to the gaffe, there’s also an explanation. An explanation we all know to be BULLSHIT, friends. No, Bullworth wasn’t simply handed the wrong card. There’s a conspiracy afoot, and it’s time we got to the bottom of it. Here are some potential explanations for how such a (stupid, inconsequential) monumental fuckup came to pass.

Ryan Gosling Wanted The Spotlight

Ryan Gosling Mean Tweet

Ryan Gosling knows better than anyone that no one gives a shit about him if he’s not sporting that annoying, smug, fake “aw shucks” shit-eating grin of his. But guess what’s been making the rounds all day? That’s right, headline after headline about how Gosling’s reaction to the mixup was “perfect” and “A+.” Fuck you, Mouseketeer. Your attempt to supplant the cast and crew of Moonlight’s moment of glory is both racist AND homophobic. Because I say so.

Steve Harvey Is A Vindictive Motherfucker

Steve Harvey is an inexplicably powerful force in media, despite his main contributions consisting of contrived eye-rolls and dating advice that amounts to “ladies be nice to your men.” The internet was very pleased, then, when he announced the wrong winner of the Miss Universe pageant in 2015. It’s not much of a stretch to assume he used his vast influence to make another presenter feel his pain. Plus he’s a fame whore, and people started putting him in memes again. It’s a barely-kept secret in Hollywood that Steve Harvey is a voracious consumer of memes.

Someone At PricewaterhouseCooper Wants To Fuck Emma Stone

As we all know by now, the whole fuckup ensued when Warren Beatty was handed a copy of Emma Stone’s envelope announcing her victory for Best Actress. If you were some nerd working at PwC and you wanted to passive-aggressively convey your interest in Emma Stone, what better way to do so than to use HER card to stage a coup and get her on stage again? I would have done the same thing, TBH. She’s such a fox!

Steve Bannon

Look, while we know that Steve Bannon has no room in his heart for the Jewish Hollywood Elites, it’s hard to imagine he has any more of a soft spot for The Blacks or The Gays (or The Black Gays, which is kind of a dope band name). Since La La Land is a navel-gazing Hollywood movie ABOUT Hollywood, it would have shocked no one if it won. Is it really that hard to believe that he would use his considerable influence to try to derail the proceedings? I definitely don’t think so.

I think we can all agree that Beyoncé should have won Best Picture anyway, so the whole thing was a sham, if you think about it.

The Best & Worst Dressed At The Oscars, AKA Who Needs To Try Sears

The Best & Worst Dressed At The Oscars, AKA Who Needs To Try Sears Next Year

By now, we all know that the Oscars ended with a trainwreck of a Best Picture announcement. This gave no less than three people the chance to make awkward acceptance speeches in which they thanked people who perhaps should’ve done a better job so that the movie they were being mistakenly thanked for actually won. But approximately 4-5 hours earlier, all eyes were on the red carpet, where there were some amazing moments and some major fails. Hey, at least Anne Hathaway wasn’t there this year. Let’s see who can sit with us and who needs to try Sears next year.

What in the Steve Harvey happened? Read our Oscars recap to find out!

Dakota Johnson

Dakota Johnson Oscars 2017

Okay so I get that this is supposed to be super high fashion but what the fuck is this? If the Real Housewives existed in the 1980s, this is what they would’ve worn to dinner parties. Seriously, she needs to burn this dress ASAP, and also use some volumizing spray or something on her hair.

Isabelle Huppert

Isabelle Huppert Oscars

Isabelle is like the grandma version of that hot girl from college who went to Swiss boarding school and was way too cool for you to ever talk to. She’s probably one of the only people over 60 who could rock an ear cuff and black nails, and they weirdly work perfectly with her white Armani dress. We’re obsessed.

Janelle Monae

Janelle Monae Oscars

Janelle has always loved a quirky outfit, so she wasn’t letting her Oscars moment go to waste. Her dress was supposedly Elie Saab, but we’re pretty sure we’ve seen it in every painting from England in the 1500s. Henry the 8th loved a sheer bodice, didn’t you know?

Felicity Jones

Felicity Jones Oscars

Felicity must have known no one would care about what she was wearing this year, so she showed up in Dior’s version of a third-grade ballet recital costume. Simple can be a good thing, but this outfit kind of screams “virgin on prom night.”

Mahershala Ali

Mahershala Ali Oscars

Mahershala is our tall, dark, and handsome dream man, and he didn’t disappoint in all black. I mean, Betches love all black. Oh, and he won an Oscar. Seriously, is it just us or is it hot in here?

Emma Stone

Emma Stone Oscars

Emma Stone is obvi gorgeous, but isn’t this a little safe? Like, this is basically what Mia from La La Land would wear if she got dragged to a cocktail party by her boring boyfriend from the beginning of the movie. Emma, you’re a big Oscar winner now, step it the fuck up.

Michelle Williams

Michelle Williams Oscars

First of all, Michelle brings Busy Phillips as her date to every award show. Y’all fucking? But real talk, her plunging neckline and raggedy looking skirt is a little played out. It also looks like she’s wearing a sarong underneath a long skirt. We’re a little confused as to why her hair keeps getting shorter, like won’t you be bald soon?

Kirsten Dunst

Kirsten Dunst Oscars

Okay we’re very confused by this. Her waist looks tiny (good job girl), but the top gets so wide that her boobs look ginormous. Did she get a boob job since the Golden Globes? Also, why does she look so worn-out and tired? I get that nationals are in just a few weeks but don’t let Sparky Polastri get you down. Get an assistant to follow you around with spirit fingers or some shit and perk the fuck up.  

Taraji P. Henson

Taraji P Henson Oscars

Stunning. Flawless. Yas. Taraji literally doesn’t age, and her blue velvet off-the-shoulder look is like so good it hurts. Ugh, does this mean we finally need to start watching Empire?

Charlize Theron

Charlize Theron Oscars

Her dress was meh, but our issue was really with her hair. Did she accidentally go to a men’s hairstylist? There was something seriously weird about the wavy side bangs, and that ponytail is pathetically short. Charlize is probably like the 7th prettiest person in the world, so this is really a missed opportunity.

Meryl Streep

Meryl Streep Oscars

Even though Karl Lagerfeld said Meryl was too cheap to wear a Chanel gown, she looked like the classy legend she is. Tbh she could literally wear Snuggie and we would say nice things, because she’s obviously NOT overrated.

Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling Oscars

Oh Ryan, sweet Ryan. Why why WHY does your tuxedo shirt have those fugly black ruffles? Did you just get back from a salsa class? Is this a trend in Canada rn?? Did Eva Mendes’ grandparents bring it back from their last trip to Cuba? Soooo many questions.

Halle Berry

Halle Berry Oscars

Halle’s always had some unconventional hairstyles, and this year she decided to go with a weird curly mop that basically makes her look like a black little orphan Annie. Versace claims to have made the dress, but it really has to be the same person who designed all those modern dance costumes we wore in middle school.

The Best & Worst Beauty Looks From The Oscars

Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman Oscars

Nicole wore a flesh-colored gown for approximately the millionth time, but it’s way better than her Golden Globes dress, which was basically a beaded corset with pool floaties on the sleeves. Nicole gives zero fucks about the fact that this color makes her looking washed out, and I kind of respect that. Still, the dress kind of looks like she hot glued some doilies on the front at the last minute. Her jewelry was nice, but she always has this tragic accessory named Keith Urban hanging on her arm.

Viola Davis

Viola Davis Oscars

Viola finally won her Oscar, and she looked fucking amazing. Someone tell us how to get away with murder, because we would literally kill for this dress.

Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson Oscars

ScarJo was only there to present an award this year, so she clearly gave zero fucks about her outfit which must be why she purchased her belt from Hot Topic. Along with her edgy lesbian haircut, she basically just threw on an oversized floral scarf, added a belt, and called it a night. And by the way, it’s an Alaia.

The Best & Worst Beauty Looks From The Oscars

Ah, my favorite time of year is finally here: The Oscars aka The Plastics of awards seasons and a day celebs spend starving themselves and holding their makeup artists hostage for 23 hours straight. Coincidentally, it’s also a day I spend 23 hours straight in yoga pants and building a cheese plate for my viewing party. I guess we all have our crosses to bear.

This year was the year of Meh: a lot of gold dresses, red lips, and the palest people I’ve seen outside of Brooklyn. No one’s look was as fucked up as the announcement for Best Picture, but there were definitely a few losers I’ll be shaming for their awards looks. But before we get into that let’s talk about the looks that stole my breath and my motivation to get up in the morning:

Best:

Taraji P Henson

Taraji P Henson Oscars

Cookie Lyon slayed at the Oscars this season. The tousled lob, the smoky eyes, the cheekbones you can probably see from those seven new planets NASA just pulled out of their asses—it’s all working.

Emma Roberts

Emma Roberts Oscars

Somewhere on sorority row Chanel Oberlin is internally screaming because Number 5 fucked up her dye job AGAIN. At first I couldn’t decide if the orange hair made her look like a sad clown, but after several glasses of wine taking a deeper look I’ve decided it’s working for her. The red lips, the glam waves, those stunning drop earrings, she looks like a vampy Jessica Rabbit and I’m about it.

Hailee Steinfeld

Hailee Steinfeld Oscars

If only my life was as put together as those eyebrows. *Pours another glass of wine*

Jessica Biel

Jessica Biel Oscars

Ah, the cat eye aka the go-to look for people with resting bitch face who want to blame their side-eye and judgemental gaze on makeup. Tbh I forgot this betch even existed until she showed up to the awards ceremony dressed like a goddamn Oscar herself. Not really sure what’s happening with her hair, but also not really sure I care because her cat eye is making my year rn.

Worst:

Halle Berry

Halle Berry Oscars

Let me just start by saying I was rooting for you Halle, we were all rooting for you. Normally you look like an ageless goddess, but this year I just have so many questions. Like, what are you hiding in that hair? Secrets? Your career? Also which second-row actor do we think drew the short straw and ended up sitting behind this hair?

Casey Affleck

Casey Affleck Oscars

So, like, I know this guy won an Oscar and everything but is he, like, okay? That scraggly-ass beard makes him look like a street person and those eyes say “I have seen the inside of way too many courtrooms.”

Real talk though, my favorite part of the evening was during his red carpet interview when the interviewer straight-up asked him why he looked homeless and he casually blamed it on a “movie” he’s working on. Lol K.

Interviewer: So… how are you?

Casey Affleck: I HAVE TO LOOK LIKE THIS BECAUSE OF A MOVIE

Interviewer: K…..

Sure Jan

Dakota Johnson

Dakota Johnson Oscars 2017

This is like when I showed up to Thanksgiving dressed like an Orthodox Jew in an attempt to hide the fact that I blacked out and had a one-night stand the night before and almost didn’t wake up in time for dinner. Dakota, it doesn’t matter how boring you make your hair and makeup look, we all still know what your nipples look like.

Read our full Oscars 2017 recap here!