Top 3 Oral Sex Tips From A Gay Woman

We have to stop treating oral sex on women as only foreplay. That’s a petition I would sign. Oral sex is nuanced and sexy, and referring to it as foreplay reduces it, as the word itself implies that oral is a lead-up to a bigger event. And while it can be, it shouldn’t always be. Going down on a woman is all about her and her pleasure, and there are few things in the world hotter than that, hand to Bible. 

It’s also one of my favorite hobbies, right up there with red wine and lying down. Going down on a woman is a wildly different experience than typical sex. It’s more sensual and honestly involves a lot of vulnerability for both parties. It’s a literal baring of the most personal part of your body to someone else’s face. And because the vulva and vagina are between the legs, not flapping around in the breeze like a guy’s junk, oral sex on a woman is that much more intimate. It isn’t that a penis is less intimate than a vagina; it’s just that it’s more visible, and that generally makes it less mysterious. 

There are also a lot of misconceptions out there about going down on lady parts. Girls seem to think that guys can be reluctant about it, because women have been taught or convinced that their vagina, labia and/or vulva look weird, smell weird, or are otherwise somehow undesirable to have near someone else’s face. Guys, however, regularly snap photos of their dick and send them out like Christmas cards. On the flip side, however, guys can also be a little intimidated to go down on a woman. It’s a lot of pressure, and it’s definitely not something you can dive into half-assed.

With guys it’s all laid out there, ready to go (the penis, I’m talking about the penis) whereas us girls have plenty of nerve endings to enjoy—they’re just not quite as physically obvious. No, it’s not that hard to find the clit by any means—that’s another myth perpetuated by the lazy—but getting a girl off is admittedly a bit more complicated than getting a guy off. Whereas blowjob technique is basically universal for men, there’s no universal guide for going down. What works and what doesn’t is different for every single vagina-haver out there, although there are a few baseline similarities. The vajay is simply a bit more temperamental than her male counterparts. She needs attention, consistency, and a little time. Like all divas, the clitoris is more than ready to bring the house down, but first she’s going to need some sparkling mineral water and a bubble bath. Ya feel? But rest assured, she’s got everything you need for mind-blowing oral with just a couple tips to help you give her what she’s looking for, aka, a toe-curling orgasm. There are plenty of ways to rock her world, so let’s get stoked about cunnilingus! (Sorry. There’s just no way to make that word sexy.)

1. Crazy Techniques Don’t Really Work

“What?!” you might say. “What about all those weird tips about writing the ABCs or rolling your tongue?” Yeah, that’s not a thing. You should definitely take your time and not rush things. And while some variety in the beginning in terms of pressure and tongue direction is great, the real thing that’s going to get someone off is consistent, repetitive movement in one targeted area. There’s plenty of room to play down there, but just know that if you end up too far off the map, it basically feels the same as if you were licking the elbow. The exact technique and location needed vary from person to person, but a lot of guys don’t know this basic information and, through no fault of their own, spend a lot of time all over the place when the real money area is in a much more focused zone that needs consistency above all else. Switching things up after finding what’s really working is not the move. A woman’s orgasm is a slow build, and if you move or change what you’re doing right when she’s getting into it, she’ll plateau, and no one wants that.

2. Try Different Positions 

Most people have oral sex in the same position (girl lying on her back, partner lying between her legs), but there are plenty of alternatives. The way that your body is tilted or leaning can change which muscles are involved and dramatically affect not only how easy it is to orgasm, but also how powerful it is. Just for example, the 69 position—either on your side or with someone on top of the other—is an option. There’s also having him lie on his back and having the woman straddle his face, or a simpler switch-up like having him stand or kneel on the floor with her legs hanging off the edge of the bed. For those who enjoy penetration, the combo is also a nice twist. Just make sure to fully commit to the position you’re in so that she can spend her energy enjoying herself and not worrying about whether or not you’re into it.

3. Consider Spending Some Time Learning Her Anatomy

Especially if you’re unsure or don’t have a lot of experience giving oral to women, it never hurts to do some research on your own time so you can be informed as to where, exactly, everything is located. The clitoris makes up a small portion of the vaginal area, but is so significant that understanding those nerve endings can only benefit everyone involved. It never fails to shock me how few people (both men and women!) are clueless about the actual anatomical layout of the vag and vulva. There are three holes down there, people. And speaking of the third, as long as you are both comfortable, involving ass play with your oral is a great idea. Oral sex is one of those things that is better messy, much like a blowjob, so getting down and dirty with some emphasis on the dirty can be super hot. Again, ask first. 

One last thing: as stated earlier, communication during this—and all sexual interactions—is vital. It’s important that everyone is on board and enthusiastic about what’s happening. But that being said, a woman also shouldn’t have to coach you every little step of the way. Having to guide and instruct the person down there becomes like another job, and not only is that not sexy, it puts the entirety of the event on her shoulders. The whole interaction is a two-way street, and it’s between the two people involved how it all goes down (pun intended), but don’t make her also be a teacher in her time off. Tune into her signals and what her body is telling you in addition to asking for verbal clarity when you need it. There’s a difference between wanting to give her exactly what she wants in terms of oral and just getting down there and waiting for further instruction like she’s placing her drive-thru order. One implies that you want her to truly enjoy herself, and the other makes it seem like you’re doing her a great favor. And you aren’t. She’s doing you one. Recognize.

Image: Sharon McCutcheon / Unsplash

7 Things You Didn’t Know About Girl-On-Girl Sex

Lesbian sex isn’t just a category on PornHub. It doesn’t matter if you are lesbian, bi, pan, queer, or any other label you are comfy with, if you are a woman who has had sex with another woman, you know the magic that is girl-on-girl sex. But if that’s not something that you have had the pleasure of experiencing for yourself, then allow me to let you in on some sexy sapphic sex secrets that are seriously useful if this seems like something that would satisfy you.

1. Vaginas Aren’t Gross

Straight girls LOVE to tell me how gross they think vaginas are. The thing is, the only vagina they’ve seen is their own (which is concerning that they are making that broad assumption based just on themselves… and also that they think their own genitals are gross). The people perpetuating the stereotype that vaginas are gross are lazy men who don’t want to have to reciprocate. Every vagina looks different, and yes it has a smell, but think of all of the cleaning rituals you go through before presenting your puss to someone. No girl is going to come to you on day 2 of her period and day 3 of not showering and expect you to chow down. Girls clean up for other girls just like they would for anyone else. One paragraph is not going to solve internalized misogyny, but trust me when I say that what you have been told about vaginas is wrong as sh*t. You’re telling me that filling your entire oral cavity with a whole flesh tube is less gross than licking a small button of joy? You lyin’, girl.

2. Vaginas Aren’t *That* Complicated

The rumor is that vaginas are so hard to please that you shouldn’t even bother trying. And we’re just supposed to live with that. However, anyone who has gone down on both men and women will tell you that eating pussy is lightyears easier than sucking dick. It’s actually infuriating how much easier it is when women are told that blow jobs are expected and getting eaten out is a privilege. You don’t get choked, you don’t have to swallow jizz, and you don’t have to deal with balls. There are thousands of articles on how to give a blow job, and all you have to do it just, like, put it in your mouth. You’ll be able to figure out a vagina no problem; it’s just that people don’t think women deserve pleasure. And that’s on patriarchy.

3. It Could Go On For Hours

P-in-V sex has a very predictable beginning, middle, and end. On the other hand, lesbian sex could go on literally forever. There’s no refractory period and no man falling asleep because he came and is over it; you can just keep going until you realize you’ve missed two meals and 16 calls from your friends who think that you’re dead. There may be a snack break in between, a couple minutes to talk about your feelings or compliment each other, and you’ll have to redo your hair once or twice, but other than that, sex ends when both of you say it does.

4. You’ll Actually Cum

Studies show that lesbians cum SIGNIFICANTLY more than straight women during sex. That’s both a brag and a fact. Straight men reportedly orgasm 95% of the time while straight women orgam 65% of the time. Lesbians, on the other hand, orgasm 86% of the time. Another study showed that women were 33% more likely to have an orgasm if they were having sex with another woman. There’s not a definitive reason for this discrepancy, but I’m thinking it definitely has to do with straight men. Society and sexual education is all centered around men cumming during sex, and there is little to no emphasis on female pleasure. But in lesbian sex, there is ONLY female pleasure. It’s feminism on crack. Once you realize that you deserve to cum too, you will feel the difference as you are ascending to another plane of existence on a cloud of ecstasy.

5. Anything Is Fair Game

There are no rules when it comes to lesbian sex. Whatever feels good, you do. It could be rubbing your clit on her leg, it could be getting fingered from behind, it could be a sh*t ton of nipple play. The goal in girl-on-girl sex is for both of you to have a good time, not to make a man jizz. If you are with a partner who also has a vagina, then they’ll understand exactly how different sexual acts can feel good. You won’t have to be embarrassed to do or ask for something that makes you feel good during sex. The pussy-bilities are literally endless.

6. Scissoring Is Real… Kind Of

Scissoring is a form of tribbing, which is when two vulvas/clits are rubbed together. Scissoring is one of the positions you can do when you are tribbing, but more than likely tribbing will be a little more ergonomic than scissoring. You can trib in a missionary style, cowgirl/reverse cowgirl, or any other way that both vulvas touch. It’s like how a square is a rectangle but a rectangle is not a square; all scissoring is tribbing but not all tribbing is scissoring.

7. You Don’t Need A Strap-On

Strap-ons are a fun addition to girl-on-girl sex for anyone who likes that penetration, but it’s possible for girl-on-girl sex to have no penetration at all. I’ll give you a second to process that. Sex isn’t just when something goes in something else; it’s when you are pleasuring or being pleasured by another person. So if that means one person just wants to get eaten out, then they can have that. And tbh, that doesn’t sound all that bad.

So if you have ever been curious about having sex with another girl or another person with a vagina, give it a try. What’s the worst that will happen? You’ll actually have an orgasm? Don’t let the rumors stop you from trying girl-on-girl sex. Just follow your heart. Well, in this case, I guess follow your vagina.

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (3)

Five Guys Reveal Their Biggest Turn-Off In Bed

Okay fam, this was a traumatizing fun one. I polled every straight man I could find for this article on guys’ biggest turn-offs, which nearly cost me both my job and my relationship. (Pro tip: Don’t ask your boyfriend this type of question unless you enjoy picturing them with other women. I, as it turns out, do not. Live and learn.) Because guys can sometimes miss the nuance in certain questions, I got a lot of useless answers like “throwing up” or “peeing,” which I’ve chosen to exclude. I trust my v sophisticated readers to understand that bodily fluids intended for the toilet are a turn-off in bed, unless you are expressly into that. Instead, I’ve listed the five stories below that made me go “oh shit, have I done that??” Read on, and sorry in advance.*

*Disclaimer: Sexual preferences are obviously different for everybody; what you read here does not necessarily apply to your situation. (But like, it probably does.) Also, names have been changed to protect the perverts I polled innocent men volunteering their stories.

1. Acting Like A Porn Star

One guy we’ll call Jason, 25, shared this story. During sex (which was otherwise fine/good), the woman was working overtime to make it clear she was enjoying herself. Like, violently extended eye contact, over-the-top moaning, frequent references to his dick and its capabilities. To top this all off, they finish up and she has cum sticking to her body—which she then proceeds to WIPE OFF WITH HER FINGER AND EAT. At this point, Jason “nearly vomited”. While I’m hoping I don’t have any cum snackers in the audience, there’s a larger lesson here. Being enthusiastic/into it? Good. Emulating a porn star to the point where you put yourself on a dick-and-semen-only diet, just because you think the guy’s into it? BAD. Again, if you enjoy the taste of semen, go crazy: it may help you live longer. But remember that what guys watch doesn’t always line up with what they actually want. And for god’s sake, remember that you also have wants that should be filled. Specifically, wants that don’t involve eating cum.

I Am Dead Inside

2. Letting Your Pet Watch

Ok yeah, this one isn’t all that mindblowing. But a surprising number of guys either referenced this or vehemently agreed when I mentioned it as an example. So I figured I’d include it. While owning a dog is an excellent life move, both for your Hinge profile pictures and general well-being, your precious pup does not have a place in the bedroom. (Don’t even get me started on cats. Though TBH if someone came over knowing there was a cat there, who knows what they’re into.) For reasons I still can’t quite figure out, 7/10 dudes have a traumatizing experience of being mid-sex, looking up, and locking eyes with your four-legged friend. Ladies. LADIES. What are we doing?? How do 7/10 of us not know this is not acceptable? I’ll take this time to quote Panic! At The Disco, and chime in with a “haven’t you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door”??

Please do not let your pet stay in the room while you have sex, or I will be forced to call the authorities.

Dog

3. Not Cleaning Up Down There

I’m just going to paste the texts I got about this one here. The whole situation makes me sad and I don’t have the emotional strength to re-word it myself. Here it is, in its unfiltered glory:

“Once I was fuckin a girl and she had a huge dark thick singular hair popping out… It was staring me in the face the whole time. I couldn’t finish.” – Adam, 26

“Little bits of toilet paper in the butthole or vagina area HUGE turnoff.” – Dan, 24

“Pustules in the face when eating out a girl. That’s a definite turnoff.” – Will, 28

Ok let’s unpack this!! First of all, yes, I associate with degenerates. These are partly things that you can avoid, and partly evidence that men watch too much porn and still expect women have Barbie vaginas. So women should LOOK like porn stars, but never act like them (see #1). Got it. BRB, walking off a cliff. Specifically, I’m guessing “pustules” are referring to ingrown hairs and not an active STD, which is so sad. (If it was the latter, then fine.) It means the woman in question was actually making an effort to be hairless, and suffered an unavoidable consequence.

If there’s a lesson here—and I’m not sure there is— maybe make sure you don’t have anything really pus-y (pun INTENDED) before having someone go down on you. Or like, do it anyway because eating you out is a privilege and a gift. Same goes for the whole “singular hair” comment—you can either do a quick run with tweezers, or decide you don’t give a fuck. Up to you.

My least favorite by far is the whole toilet paper thing—that does kind of seem on the woman to control. Like, you’d be pissed if you went down on a guy and got a mouthful of Charmin too. (Slash terrified because why was he using toilet paper on his penis. Is it an Usher/greenish discharge situation?? I’m sorry. I’m disgusting.) Anyway, this one felt worth noting because it’s very possible you’ve done it and not known. Aaaaand now I have yet another thing to add to my list of things to worry about before sex. Cool.

I include this with a word of caution, though. I had a shitty high school boyfriend who told me to go “wash myself” before every time we had sex, and it was fucked up and scarring. Know that there’s a line between being polite and being made to feel like your genitals are gross. Don’t have sex with guys who cross that line.

That Guy Is A Moron

4. Making A Sex Schedule

This one came from a guy who’s in a long-term relationship (it shows). Specifically, Matt, 27, cited “providing a time bound” as a turn-off. The example he gave was “you need to stop playing video games by 11 if you want to have sex.” As someone with a full-time job, I have to say that an 11pm start time seems generous. But I do understand how treating sex like you’re Monica Geller in wedding planner mode is not exactly hot. For one thing, we already know guys have trouble performing if they’re under any kind of pressure. For another, it really removes any glimmer of the notion that the woman was just spontaneously turned on by you and decided she wanted to have sex.

So, while I understand (and lightly applaud) the impulse, maybe stay away from this practice for both your sakes, unless you’ve both mutually agreed to setting up a schedule to revive a dead bedroom. Otherwise, just have sex when you’re both in the mood. And if that’s not happening frequently enough, you have a different problem from time management to figure out.

Monica Geller Wedding Planner

Everyone sufficiently scarred? Good! That about fills you in on my last 48 hours. Please don’t think that I’m writing this article as “what you’re doing in bed that’s not getting you a call back.” I am, as Carrie Bradshaw would say, a sexual anthropologist. Whether or not you think these complaints are reasonable, it can’t hurt to know what the enemy the men you’re having sex with are thinking. Well, it can hurt but like, it’s useful. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go repair the damage this article caused to my relationship.

Images: Giphy (4); Pexels / Moose Photos (1)

New Oral Sex Positions That Will Get You Off

I’ll be honest—until a few weeks ago, I didn’t know that oral sex even had positions. I could sum up all the positions I knew for getting head like this: lying down. And while I’ve literally listed “lying down” as a hobby on my resume Instagram, I feel dumb AF for not switching it up sooner. After all, regular sex feels vastly different depending on position. Smart betch that you are, I’m sure you’ll understand why the same thing is true for oral sex. Learn from my mistakes and try the following oral sex positions ASAP.

Live On The Edge

I’m going with abstract headers here, because I refuse to invent more ridiculous titles for sex positions. Find a (sturdy) counter high enough that your feet don’t touch the ground, and sit right on the edge. Your partner should get on their knees in front of you. Leg positioning is up to you, but spreading your legs (or your partner holding them back) or keeping your knees wide but resting your lower legs on his back (for added control) both feel amazing. If lying flat on your back makes you feel a little overly exposed—or if it just doesn’t give him access to what gets you off—this is a good move. You’ll have complete control of pace, angle, and pretty much everything else.

*Insert Joke About The Letter V*

Okay, so Cosmo actually calls this “The Deep V,” but for obvious reasons, I didn’t want to lead with that. It’s actually some pretty great advice for a really simple variation on oral sex. You lift your legs in a—you guessed it!—V shape (hold ankles or knees, whatever flexibility allows). He—yup, guessed it again—goes down on you. BUT he also uses his hands to “lightly massage your inner thighs.” According to Cosmo, this brings more blood to your “~*~VuLvA~*~” (aka makes the whole area feel even more sensitive and stimulated). Do I recommend using the words “blood” or “vulva” in a casual hookup situation? Yes, because I love seeing fear in men’s eyes maybe not. But feel free to just direct his hands to your thighs and gently demonstrate how you’d like to be touched. If he’s not completely clueless, he’ll follow your lead.

Fake Doggy

Get on all fours, but the one where you’re on your forearms and it’s a face down/ass up situation *Ludacris’s “What’s Your Fantasy” plays on a loop in my head for the remainder of the day*. (You can stay on your hands and knees if you want, but it’s more of a human centipede angle. Do not recommend.) If you’ve never had someone eat you out from behind before, prepare to be hit with a whole new world of oral sex possibilities. (Not even talking about ass stuff yet, chill out). The point is, you’ll probably find out a lot of new information about what gets you off and where you like to be touched the first time you try this, because it’s a totally different experience and you have the (literal) upper hand, so you can guide him wherever you like.

Sit On His Face

No real need to be clever or overly detailed here, you all know what this is. Sadly, it’s been so meme-ified that you all probably know it more in the context of a compliment a gross man would give a woman than as an actual sexual act. And I’ll be honest, it’s not my favorite. But it does incorporate one element I love in particular: power and control. You’ll notice a lot of these other positions offer the same bonus. But clearly, men aren’t always getting the orgasm job done on their own. If you want something done right, put a woman in charge. When you sit on someone’s face, you’ve achieved the ultimate level of power. You get off on exactly the pressure and pace you want, and you also get off on the sheer feeling of running the show.

One word of advice for this particular position: don’t rest the full weight of your lower body on his face for any amount of time. It’s rude, it’s slightly dangerous, and it probably will not feel that great for you either. Treat it like a light thigh workout and remember that this is about feeling powerful—not planting your weight directly over someone’s air supply.

What not to do:

While these positions are a great way to get started, the real takeaway is simple. You have to treat oral sex like all other kinds of sex. And that means the first thing you try almost definitely isn’t going to be what works best for you. So keep experimenting until you know exactly what gets you off best. There’s a reason that blow job articles are all about making it better for you, not for him. His orgasm is basically guaranteed—so make sure yours is too.

Images: Giphy (4); Unsplash

6 Blow Job Mistakes That Are The Reason He’s Not Texting You Back

It’s been a while since we talked about blow jobs, so I thought it was high time I resurface to drop some more oral knowledge on everybody. I already went through blow job tips, and now it’s time to discuss the other end of the shaft spectrum: blow job mistakes you’re probably making that could be the reason he’s not texting you back. For those of you questioning my credibility in this field, first of all, I already imparted wisdom on how to give a good blow job without any weird tricks (*glares at Cosmo with their “put a donut around his dick and eat it” nonsense*). More importantly, though, I asked my guy friend for his input on blow job mistakes women (and/or people who give blow jobs) make, and this is the one area that I will concede a guy is probably more qualified to speak on.

1. Not Using Your Tongue

If you are just going up and down like a vacuum, you’re doing it wrong. Just as kissing without your tongue is extremely boring and oddly chaste, so is keeping your tongue in one spot for the entire duration of a blow job. Ideally, as your mouth goes up and down his shaft, your tongue should be doing the same thing. But I don’t mean like, you should just rest your tongue there while your mouth moves—you need to move it around. I already talked about running your tongue up and down the frenulum, and I’ll say it again because it’s important. It’s on the underside of the penis and it’s super sensitive and if you stroke it with your tongue, he will lose his mind.

Spongebob

2. Ignoring The Balls

Not surprising that a common hand job mistake is often a blow job mistake too. Look, I know that balls are weird and, minus the whole “making testosterone and sperm” thing, seem kind of pointless. Like they’re just… there? But actually no, you shouldn’t treat the balls like that annoying coworker who says “Happy Humpday” and act like they don’t exist. If you really want to go from giving the blow job equivalent of cold pizza to serving up kobe beef BJs (IDK, just go with me on the food analogy here), you’re going to need to touch the balls. Play with them with your hands (gently), put them in your mouth (one at a time so you don’t choke), just do something.

3. Not Getting It Wet Enough

If I had to guess, I’d say this problem stems from wanting to be sanitary, but like, you’re just going to have to get over it. Like all sex, the messier and grosser a blow job is, the better it is. These are just the facts of life. And, I mean, think about how ridiculous it is: you’re already putting a dick in your mouth, but you’re going to draw the line at getting your own saliva all over you? It doesn’t really make any sense. Just using your tongue with reckless abandon isn’t enough. You need to get the dick wet. Spit on it. Gag on it a little so you’re forced to produce more saliva (this has the added bonus of making the guy think he’s swinging a third leg even if his dick is the size of a pig in a blanket). Spit on your hand and then use your hand for a bit. Are you basically imploding in on yourself out of discomfort? Too bad. But also, low-key same.

Water Is The Essence Of Wetness

4. Not Keeping A Consistent Rhythm

The rest of the list items come courtesy of my friend Avery, a certified male. When I asked him, “What are the biggest mistakes women make when giving blow jobs?” His first answer was “Not keeping a consistent rhythm.” When I asked why (because wouldn’t you want to switch things up a little so nobody gets bored and I don’t asphyxiate?) he said that you don’t want to be constantly changing things up if you actually want the guy to finish. Like, if a guy was going down on you, would you want him changing his technique every 10 seconds? No. By all means, change things up when you get bored or your jaw starts to hurt, but don’t switch techniques like an overzealous DJ at a bar switching songs.

5. Squeezing Too Hard

From the mouth of that same friend: “It’s not a stress ball, damn.” That’s really all I have to say about that.

Angry

6. Acting Like It’s A Favor

This really goes for anyone, and for any sex act. First up: You should not be doing something you do not want to and/or are not comfortable doing. End of discussion. But, as amazing as your BJ skills may be, you should not walk around like you’re the Queen of England for deigning to put genitals in your mouth. (What a low bar for us as a society that would be.) I mean, how annoying would it be if every time a guy went down on you, he basically guilted you into doing something in return for him? Oh, what’s that? Guys already do that when they buy you a drink, take you out, or cat-call you on the street? Right, but like, how much do we hate when they do that? Exactly. Do it because you want to, and because you forgot to buy him a birthday present, but don’t do it in order to force him to shower you with endless praise and thanks.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (3)

Eating Me Out Is A Privilege, Not An Obligation; Or What To Do When He Gets Lazy In Bed

I recently moved to a new state: North Dakota, aka the frozen Tundra. Like any newcomer, I needed to put the “D” in Dakota. I swipe for my type, and encountered a baseball player (or should I say BAE-sball player) named Jack*.

Jack was an accountant, so boring, but with money. I can suck up some chatter about credits and debits just to eat at a restaurant even Yelp doesn’t have enough stars for. He was tall. He had a sister that he loved so I assumed he wasn’t a Trump-humping misogynist. He told me I was skinny as he fingered me to shitty superhero movies. You know, how all critically acclaimed love stories begin.

At first, the sex was good. He was very affectionate. He went down on me and was actually pretty stoked about making me finish, because duh. This guy joked he would add “pussy-eating” as a LinkedIn skill and ask for my endorsement.

After a few weeks, he often just wanted to cuddle after we were both done with work and the gym. He chalked it up to being “tired.” I get that. Sometimes you just want to be little spoon and clock out without your cock out. However, over the next few weeks, things declined faster than Rob Kardashian and Black Chyna’s inevitably doomed relationship. When we did have sex, I felt as though he was fingering me, not for my pleasure or for me to orgasm, but rather, just to get me wet enough so that he could have sex with me.

He rushed. He dropped his pants faster than Beyoncé drops a surprise album. He came faster than Beyoncé drops a surprise album.

He was going down on me way less frequently and when he did, I had to ask. He was lickin’ it and kickin’ it for a shorter amount of time, almost as if it was an obligation and not a privilege.

Well, listen up, it is a privilege. I do not shower everyday (well, I do shower everyday regardless of whether or not I’m taking regular trips to pound town, but I rarely wash my hair as I am medically dependent on dry shampoo) and get bikini waxes that cost almost as much as my monthly health insurance payment just for you to treat my cock-pocket subparly. You lucky motherfucker should be calling cunnilingus FUNnilingus.

Now, I get that my ankles are considered pornographic during Midwest winters when everyone wears enough layers to clothe a small country, so you should be pretty fucking grateful when you get to see my entire naked body. (This is obviously after it takes us approximately 30 minutes to undress ourselves and remove our obligatory thermal underwear.)

Ladies, many of you reading have a “Jack.” Any guy that has the absolute honor of making sweet, sweet love to you while you watch Netflix on your ex’s account should absolutely thank his lucky stars that he gets this golden ticket to lick it. You are an absolute rockstar, and this guy should be as excited as you are when the cute cashier “forgets” to charge you for guac at Chipotle.

Jack isn’t Jack Shit. He gets one conversation from you politely warning that he step it up and pep it up. Then, if he doesn’t worship the ground you walk on, he can go Jack off.

*not his real name

How Many Calories Your Favorite Sex Positions Burn

The title really says it all. Don’t deny that literally every time you’ve given in and gotten weird with your significant other, you’ve wondered if it counts as exercise for the day and if you can skip the gym tomorrow. I’ve looked at my Fitbit during. I’m not even (completely) ashamed to admit that.

Because it’s the holidays and we’re all imbibing more wine, eggnog, and cookies than usual (some of us, not all), having a quick freak session may actually help keep the holiday weight at bay. We’ve done some investigatory journalism (on my phone because I write these on my work computer and I didn’t feel like explaining those Google searches to my boss), and here are the top sex moves for burning calories.

1. Giving And Receiving Oral

According to Spoon University, if you’re hooking up INCLUDING giving and/or receiving oral for about 30 minutes, you’ll burn about 60 calories. I can’t really imagine unhinging my jaw for that long, but if you can do it, bless.

2. Missionary

The go-to boring position (but like, great for when you feel fat) burns about 60 calories if you’re at it lightly (like, not breaking a sweat) for about 30 minutes. If you up the ante and things are getting like, hot and heavy, you can burn about 100 calories. How the bottom can burn that many calories while lying down and looking hot is beyond me, but the internet said it was true.

3. Doggy Style

Am I the only one that hates the name of this position? Can we change it to something cute like downward lady or crouching kitty? Idfk. Anyway, this position, since it requires a lot of movement on both parts, can burn about 110 calories for a 40-minute session. That seems a little long to be crouched (my knees hurt just thinking about it), but whatever.

4. Reverse Cowgirl

You’ll burn a solid 110 calories or so if you do this for 35 minutes. Again, that’s subject to how hard you’re going at it, if you’re trying to do ab crunches during, etc. This one is always nice since only your back needs to look good, and you don’t have to worry about making awkward o-faces.

5. Changing It Up

Ok, so, if you have sex for 80 minutes—which like, I don’t have time for (I have things to do)—and change positions often, you can burn like 280 calories. That’s equal to about two glasses of red wine.

The moral of the story? Aim for a 40-minute session and change up positions often. Sticking with one is boring and also won’t burn as many calories as constantly moving around. If you really want to narrow that shit down, use this sex calculator. Technology is amazing, guys.

How Guys Really Feel About Going Down On You

This week Jordana and Jared talk about what girls and guys think of oral sex. They answer questions from a listener who wants to know how many times is normal for a guy to not be able to get it up and a male listener who is ashamed of his lack of sexual experience. They play a game called “would you go on a second date” where they discuss dating dealbreakers.

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