Sentient Shoe Gum Nukes Career Over Being Friend-Zoned

In a man-child temper tantrum that rivals that of Donald Trump’s exit from the White House, television personality and part-time night paralysis demon Piers Morgan has left his role at Good Morning Britain, stomping his little cloven hooves on his way out the door.

You may know Morgan from his major hits, “please welcome my guest, formerly a man,” “f*** Madonna and her publicist,” and “hey Ari, put some clothes on,” or simply from his reaction tweets every time a Kardashian does anything. Piers Morgan has made a career out of misogyny, and not even the imaginative type, because his sexist drivel follows such a predictable formula that even I, who failed Algebra For Liberal Arts Students 101, could predict it. Woman exists or does something slightly provocative. Piers Morgan tweets the worst possible take, despite the fact that nobody asked. Backlash ensues. He doubles down. Faces no consequences. Rinse and repeat.

Following Oprah’s explosive interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Piers tried to do the same thing. He sat at his morning show desk and ripped it to shreds—or at least, that’s what he thought he was doing. Piers dismissed Meghan’s confessions of suicidal ideations and experiences of racism within the royal family. “I don’t believe a word she says, Meghan Markle. I wouldn’t believe her if she read me a weather report,” said Piers. 

In response to the on-air comments, the show’s network received more than 41,000 complaints, one of which came from the Duchess herself. Alex Beresford, Piers’ co-host, urged him to take a step back, saying “I understand you don’t like Meghan Markle. You made it so clear a number of times on this program. And I understand that you have a personal relationship with Meghan Markle, or had one, and she cut you off. She’s entitled to cut you off if she wants to.” 

I guess they didn’t cover that in the Growing Boy’s Guide To Dominating Women. If you’ve ever poked the sleeping bear that is a man’s ego, then you’re familiar with what happens next. Piers stormed off with a cute, “I’m done with this,” and likely pulled from the bag of expletives usually levied at women who reject insecure men.

Why is the Duchess such a tender spot for Piers “Pick Me” Morgan? The two first connected via Twitter in 2015; one follow-back probably had Piers repeatedly watching Meghan’s Tostitos ad in incognito mode. They exchanged friendly DMs and met at a pub for drinks in 2016, cut short by a call from her best friend in need of a ride (kidding). In reality, the future Duchess was just being friendly to a major media personality. To Piers’ dismay, what he likely saw as a first date was really just the pregame. Meghan accepted the free drinks and jumped in a cab to the party where she would meet her Prince. Piers’ villain origin story begins here with, “that was the last I ever heard from Meghan Markle.”

Fortunately, Piers could not go on one business meeting without catching feelings, otherwise he just might have been one of Hollywood’s top predators, instead of the sexist mosquito we see before us today. I’m going to guess Piers thought he was solid competition for the Prince. The warped self-perception of “pick me” men is astoundingly resilient. Anyone who’s shot down a Hinge match in their lifetime may have encountered a ghost of Piers Morgan, a walking cliché of a bruised ego. 

Piers claimed to have been ghosted by the new Duchess, making his years-long hatred-tour the royal equivalent to the “you’re fat anyway” comments you get when you shoot down a guy who DM’d you in the first place.  Just six months after the royal wedding, Piers published a column in the Daily Mail not at all bitterly titled, “Meghan Markle Is a Ruthless Social Climbing Actress Who Has Landed the Role of Her Life and is Determined to Milk It for All She Can – and That’s Why the Palace is Beginning to Turn on Her.” 

Yikes. 

To think I’ve pulled in troops for the “is this too much?” text review. If we want to talk about the audacity of fragile men, imagine Piers Morgan submitting that headline and sitting back in his big boy chair with pride. In his defense, he did workshop a few variations…

jan cooper

Whatever friendship the two did share did not survive Piers’ perceived rejection, as “friendships” where one party is just holding out until the other party deigns to f*ck them rarely do. He went on to conduct multiple interviews with the Duchess’ estranged father and continued his hate campaign in the media, garnering no response from Meghan. Piers continuously changed his story; first the two were friends for a short time, then a year and a half, then two years. Here we see Piers taking a tip from Guilt-Tripping Women For Sport, where first date drinks suddenly become “weeks of wasted time” when she decides she’s going home alone. 

Some aspects of this royal dissolution are above our heads. Those of us playing credit card roulette on Metro card purchases or brunch outings may not be totally clear on The Firm, The Institution, or why Meghan couldn’t hold onto her own passport. The Piers piece of the story, however, is all too clear for us. Hell hath no fury like a man’s fragile ego bruised. 

Now that Piers Morgan has left Good Morning Britain and sullied his already soiled name, it’s hard to know what the professional reply guy will do next. Leer at women on the street? Hang out the passenger side of his best friend’s ride? I can see him living out the rest of his days shouting into the void about how he “totally almost banged Meghan Markle”. We’ll be like, sure Piers, whatever you say. You know that’s not a podcast mic, it’s an empty can of Goya chickpeas taped to a popsicle stick.

Images: Silvia Elizabeth Pangaro /Shutterstock.com

Why Rihanna, Kim K and More Are Begging Texas Not to Kill This Man

Another day, another American true crime story. And this one has all of the (sadly) classic tropes: a seemingly innocent black man, a dirty, seemingly guilty white cop, more dirty cops, and a f*ckton of injustices. America!

The case I’m talking about is that of Rodney Reed, a 51-year-old man who was convicted of raping and strangling Stacey Stites in Texas on April 23, 1996. Twenty-three years later, celebrities like Rihanna, Kim K, Meek Mill, and Oprah are urging Texas Governor Greg Abbott to stop the execution of Reed, which is scheduled to take place on November 20th. Lawmakers from both sides of the aisle have also urged the state to reconsider the case. There is an online petition, which already has over 2 million signatures, that advocates for Reed’s innocence, based on the fact that there are “mountains” of evidence that exonerate him and implicate another man. So, what is this evidence and why has it yet to be seen in court? LET’S GET INTO IT, SHALL WE?

One Click!!! SIGN this petition if you don’t believe the Government should kill an innocent man!!! @GovAbbott https://t.co/L3xrvn7MJO

— Rihanna (@rihanna) November 4, 2019

Texas is scheduled to execute #RodneyReed on 11/20.
We must act now & fight for justice.

According to the @NAACP, Black people make up 13% of the population, yet make up 42% of death row & 35% of the executions.#FreeRodneyReed and sign the petition @ https://t.co/fZWsFQ2mfU! pic.twitter.com/cPdKtcb4EE

— A N G E L A | R Y E (@angela_rye) November 4, 2019

There is an innocent man on death row with mere days before his execution. Please take time out to sign this petition to tell @GovAbbott #FreeRodneyReed https://t.co/u9jfiSFwQh

— Questlove from @SongsThatShook Oct 13th @AMC_tv (@questlove) November 4, 2019

I’ve spent my entire morning reading about this case and yelling at my laptop in-between aggressive sips of my scalding hot tea, so I am what one could call an “expert” at this point. Anyway, let’s start at the beginning. The case is broken down in an interview between Amy Goodman of  Democracy Now and  Bryce Benjet, a senior attorney at the Innocence Project, and Rodney Reed’s brother and sister-in-law (highly recommend checking out if you’re looking for something to take over your entire day).

Here is a quick rundown of the basics: Stacey Stites was found murdered on the afternoon of April 23, 1996. At the time, she was engaged to Jimmy Fennell, a white man who was a cop at the time. He claimed that Stacey must have been murdered after leaving for work in the morning, around 3:00 am. DNA evidence found the semen of Rodney Reed, a black man, on Stites, which at the time was taken as evidence that he had raped her.

However, Reed has always maintained that he and Stites were engaged in a consensual affair, and his semen was from the day before. Others have verified this affair, even those who were close to Stites, but they were not called as witnesses in court (um, k).

It’s important to note that this was 23 years ago, when DNA evidence wasn’t fully understood or at the advanced level it is today, but more on that later. At first, Stites’ fiancé was the primary suspect. He failed more than one polygraph test and eventually invoked his Fifth Amendment right to avoid self-incrimination so he wouldn’t have to keep answering questions. You know, typical innocent people stuff. And again, he was a cop.

Once the DNA test revealed that Rodney Reed’s semen was found on Stites, he became the main suspect. His trial was rushed and his defense was unprepared — his family couldn’t afford to keep their original attorney and were left with others who simply were not ready for such a case. Rodney Reed was found guilty and sentenced to death. He’s been on death row ever since.

Reed has maintained his innocence, and now there is evidence that could prove it. First off, the DNA that was presented to incriminate him is no longer applicable, because the science has advanced and no longer supports the original theory.  According to Bryce Benjet, who is currently working on the case for The Innocence Project, the forensic pathologist, Roberto Bayardo, who did the autopsy, told the jury that this small amount of sperm could not have been there for more than 20 hours — 24 hours after they were found, which would put Rodney at the crime scene.

However, forensics now say that that number is 72. Roberto Bayardo has  retracted his entire testimony and said that the evidence does, in fact, suggest that there was consensual sex between Rodney and Stacey the day before, which is exactly what Rodney has said all along.

And that’s not all. A belt was found at the crime site, which was ripped in half and assumed to be the murder weapon. Back when the crime took place, forensics were not yet able to test murder weapons for DNA. Now they can. And yet, this weapon has not been tested. BUT WHY.

Well, like we said, Jimmy Fennell was a local policeman, and IDK if you’ve heard, but cops are known to protect their own. It can’t be said officially, but if there is a way to test a murder weapon for DNA evidence, and the black man on death row is begging the courts to allow it, but they are refusing, and the other suspect is a white ex-cop…yeah, you do the math. I’m no Olivia Benson, but seems like the police force doesn’t want the weapon to be tested because they’re not certain their fellow cop’s DNA won’t be on it.

So who exactly is this Jimmy Fennell guy? SO FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK:  He’s a former cop who, after this case closed, ended up in prison for kidnapping and raping a woman.

OH, INTERESTING.

And, while he was in jail, he allegedly confessed to a fellow inmate that he killed Stacey Stites. And according to Reed’s attorneys, they have a sworn affidavit from this inmate that they would also like to enter into evidence. OH, OKAY. Did you think that was all? Nah. Apparently, Fennell was a raging racist (shocker) who had threatened to kill Stacey Stites before the murder occurred. In a short documentary film called A Plea for Justice (Yoooo, Netlfix, u up?) Alicia Slater, a friend and former coworker of Stacey Stites, claims that when she asked Stacey if she was excited to get married to Jimmy Fennell, she said “not really” and told her about an affair she was having with a black man, ANDDDDD expressed fear over what Fennell would do if he ever found out about said affair.

There are even more bonkers details about this case that clearly point to Fennell as the murderer, like a history of violence that came up in the case that landed him in jail, alleged witness intimidation by the local police force, inconsistency in Fennell’s alibi, as well as proof that his timeline doesn’t add up, cops in the original case who were later found to be dirty cops and convicted of further crimes, and more. But I simply do not have the word count for it all.

This sure seems like “reasonable doubt” to us, which should demand another trial and at the very least, take a man for whom there is even an ounce of doubt is guilty of murder off death row.

I’m waiting on the Netflix doc for this one, but in the meantime, you can sign the petition to stop Rodney Reed’s execution, which is, again, scheduled for November 20th, 2019 (that’s like, so soon) here.

Oh, also it was an all-white jury that convicted Rodney Reed, okay byeeeeeeee!

Images:  CBS (1), Twitter (1), Giphy (2)

 

Oprah’s Spiritual Adviser Is Running For President And Here’s What We Know

Who amongst us is *not* running for president in 2020? I mean, I’m not (too hungover), but it seems like literally everyone else and their mothers is. Running for president is v on trend this season, so much so that even Oprah’s spiritual advisor is putting her name on the ballot. Yes, you read that correctly. The woman who leads Oprah’s soul is running for president. 2020, you really are that bitch, huh?

So who is this woman? Great q. her name is Marianne Williamson and here is everything you need to know about her.

 

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We need a moral and spiritual awakening in this country, and nothing short of that will disrupt the patterns of our political dysfunction. We have an immoral economic system, and we need to discuss that. We have millions of American children living in chronic trauma and despair, and we need to discuss that. We have layers of systemic racism that are leftovers of slavery, and we need to discuss that. We prepare for war yet we don’t wage peace; we need to discuss that. Just watering the leaves of our democracy will keep us stuck; we need to water the roots, and those roots are within us. The opponents of democracy are masters of the false narrative. If you respond to them with anything less than the deeply true, they will defeat you. But if you do respond with the deeply true, they cannot touch you. That is how David defeated Goliath; he hit him in the Third Eye. Goliath has no conscience, and it is the one place where he is powerless to defend himself. This is not naive; it is deeply sophisticated. Traditional politics is stuck in old-think, projecting onto a whole person conversation that it is weird or fringe or unqualified. In fact, what is weird and fringe and unqualified is any conversation that remains of the level of the externals and doesn’t know how to address the deeper causes and roots of our problems. It’s too late for that now. It is time to move on. #jointheevolution www.marianne2020.com

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What is Marianne Williamson’s Deal?

Have I mentioned she’s Oprah’s spiritual advisor? Great, next order of business: she has referred to herself as a “bitch for God.” Is she…my president? We’ll get to that later. For now, here are some basics about the bitch for God. She’s a renowned spiritual leader and author of popular books such  as A Woman’s Worth and A Return to Love. She has a devoted following which includes A-list celebrities like Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, Nicole Richie, and Laura Dern. V casual.

And now for some backstory. Marianne Williamson was born in Houston, Texas to an immigration lawyer and a homemaker. She was raised as Jewish and still identifies as such even though a lot of her rhetoric includes Christian values. Like most spiritual leaders, she can’t be pinned down by just one religion. Before her spiritual awakening, Williamson spent some time *finding herself.* She attended Pomona College for a couple of years before dropping out and moving to New Mexico to join a commune. Same. Then she went bicoastal (iconic) and spent her twenties as a cabaret singer on both coasts. In one of her books she admits, “I sank deeper and deeper into my neurotic patterns, seeking relief in food, drugs, people, or whatever else I could find to distract me from myself,” she later wrote in A Return to Love.” Okay, we are RELATING. Put a candidate on the roster who admits to doing drugs and I will listen.

After indulging in a relatable twenties, Marianne set out to help others find the same spiritual guidance she had come into contact with. She began teaching and making public speeches. Her charisma made her a quick leader, and she gained quite a following, specifically in the LGBTQ+ community. She was an activist during the AIDS crisis and worked to provide care for HIV positive people during a time when few organizations and leaders were willing to do so. She ran a weekly support group at the Center for Living, an organization that provided counseling for HIV-positive patients and also founded  Project Angel Food, a charity that delivered meals directly to HIV/AIDS patients’ homes. Okay, go off kween!

What Are the Pros?

Hate to keep bringing this up, but Oprah is a Marianne Williamson stan. And let’s not kid ourselves, having Oprah back you up is a p big deal. One could argue that it is the biggest deal. Williamson has been a guest on Oprah’s show a handful of times, and Oprah said she experienced “157 miracles” while reading Williamson’s book. That’s a lot of miracles.

In addition to being beloved by America’s most beloved figure, Williamson has some v progressive ideologies. She has suggested that as a nation America finds a way to offer reparations the the Black community as a way of making up for the oppression that has been inflicted upon them. She is also v anti Trump, which we love. She has made it clear that her campaign is a direct response to his administration, and that she condemns the hate that he is spreading. She has endorsed Bernie Sanders in the past, and you can take that however you’d like, depending on where you stand with Bernie and his bros.

She’s also very charming and comes off as an unapologetic woman who isn’t afraid to challenge the status quo. She gets the people going, so to speak. 

 

What Are the Cons?

Okay, so her being Oprah’s spiritual guide is a bit of a double-edged sword, because at the end of the day, she is more of a spiritual leader than a politician. She did run for Congress as an independent in LA in 2014, but ultimately lost the race despite raising $2 million for her campaign. Also, while she is seemingly progressive, a lot of her speeches and rhetoric include vague statements like “My campaign is for people who want to dig deeper into the questions we face as a nation and deeper into finding the answers,’’ and “It’s going to be a co-creative effort, an effort of love, a gift of love, to our country and hopefully to our world.” While these sound very nice, they also leave you wondering, “Okay, but what does that even mean and what does that look like policy wise?” Is Marianne Williamson the influencer of presidential candidates?

On top of this, critics have accused Williamson of being a fake. Former employees have claimed she is a bully with a big ego, with one even telling  Entertainment Weekly that Marianne has a “despotic, tyrannical streak and inability even to hear dissent” and that her charitable organizations are all part of a front to “sell her book and increase her own fame.” Williamson has laughed off these accusations.

Where Do I Learn More?

You can visit Marianne Williamson’s website here, where you can also buy her books to better understand her philosophies. You can also follow her on Instagram, where she captions her posts with what I would call “extensive novels.” Or you could call up Oprah and ask her to give you the inside scoop if you happen to have Oprah’s number, in which case please send that to me immediately.

Anyway, here’s to hoping Marianne’s campaign slogan is “Make America Align Her Chakras Again.”

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

How Much Does Kris Jenner Spend on Christmas Decorations? We Investigate

In a world of raging uncertainty, it’s nice to have some constants. For example, every year when December rolls around, there are a few tried and true events that I know I can absolutely rely on.

I know that lights will go up and temperatures will drop and everything will be beautiful and serene, until the shopping starts. I know people will get mad about the holiday cups at Starbucks. I know my co-workers will tire of my playlist solely made up “All I Want for Christmas is You” remixes a mere six minutes into me blasting it from the office Sonos. I know there will be myriad Christmas parties that I will attend and swear to not drink peppermint schnapps at. I know that I will inevitably end up drinking peppermint schnapps at all of them.

But most importantly, I know that Kris Jenner is going to spend more money on her Christmas decorations than I will likely make in the next 10 years of my life. Is it my fault for pursuing a career in media? Perhaps, but that’s beside the point.

For those unfamiliar with Kris Jenner’s Kristmas traditions, let me break it down for you. This woman does not f*ck around with Christmas. Every year, her  Calabasas mansion is decked out, head to toe, in varying Christmas decor. It goes without saying that no detail is left unattended. This is Kris Jenner we’re talking about here. If she can market Kylie’s mouth into a billion dollar empire, rest assured she can flawlessly execute a theme.

Two years ago she partnered with Jeff Leatham, artistic director at Paris’s Four Seasons George V and florist extraordinaire to the stars, to bring her Kandyland-Chic vision to life. This included, but was not limited to: five trees in her foyer alone, covered in nearly 10,000 white lights, hundreds of feet of garland, three animated white reindeer, six monstrous nutcrackers, and a custom-made red glass and metal polar bear, which had to be delivered from Paris.

If you’re sitting there thinking to yourself “perhaps I will give Jeff Leatham a call and see what he can muster up for my 10 square foot apartment,” don’t bother. I spent some time reaching out to various florists in the Portland metro area (very similar to the Paris and LA markets, I’m sure) to see if they could lend some insight into just how much this kind of display would cost.

Those who didn’t immediately hang up on me after hearing that I was doing investigative research into Kris Jenner’s holiday decor budget didn’t have much to offer beyond “really f*cking expensive.” But I did learn that some major florists have a $10,000 minimum to even get a consultation. Okay, so I CLEARLY ended up in the wrong field.

If that’s what florists who don’t cater to the Kardashians, Oprah, and the Dalai Lama charge, I would imagine our guy Jeff is a little spendier. Considering this “modest” arrangement from Kimye in honor of Stormi’s birth costs a chill $5,000, and the “floral orgasm” he created for a Nigerian oil heirs wedding netted out at a chill $1.2M, it’s safe to assume Kris is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on her Christmas decorations.

I skipped flavor in my latte this morning in a doomed attempt to save money for Christmas shopping, but it’s fine. When the revolution finally comes, here’s hoping Kris’ custom-made Parisian polar bear evades the guillotine.

Images: Kim Kardashian / Instagram; Giphy (2)

These Are The Celebs Who Have Gotten Involved In The Midterms

Now that Halloween is over, the truly terrifying holiday approaches: Election Day. If you don’t have horrendously scary memories from last Election Day then that probably means you blacked out once Trump won Florida. If you feel a nervous energy in the air, it’s because everyone with half a brain in this country is approaching their distant cousins and asking them to vote, which is legitimately very brave!! You’re registered to vote, right? If not, stop reading this article, it literally doesn’t matter, click here to make sure you’re registered and find your polling place.

You know those columns in gossip rags that are like “Celebs, They’re Just Like Us!”? Well forget all of those paparazzi shots of them in the grocery store parking lots and know that celebs are just like us because both THEM and US are getting out the vote for these damn midterms.

“Which celebs?” you ask. “And where do I have to live to have them graciously knock on my front door?”

Alicia Keys, America Ferrera, And Liza Koshy Road tripped Through Texas

Ricky Bobby stans Stacey Abrams

Will Ferrell spent yesterday in Plains encouraging voters to vote early for @staceyabrams, @SarahRiggsAmico, and all #GADems.

Find your early vote location here: https://t.co/aTVXrxPO8E

After you vote early, sign up to volunteer: https://t.co/jGIScpYhl8 pic.twitter.com/df7g6gvrOO

— Georgia Democrat (@GeorgiaDemocrat) October 26, 2018

Rashida Jones does, too!

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Surrounded by [email protected] @kamalaharris

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Jesse Tyler Ferguson is a Modern Voter

Great canvass kickoff in Tustin this morning with @EricGarcetti @JesseTyler and @SwingLeft! We’ve got ten more days to win this election and every vote makes a difference. Sign up to canvass here: https://t.co/KApv7fyC8T pic.twitter.com/rGaJkcvKGa

— Katie Porter (@katieporteroc) October 27, 2018

Look What Marsha Blackburn Made Taylor Swift Do

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⬆️These two Tennessee women⬆️ voted for the candidate who has proven himself to be reasonable and trustworthy. We want leadership, not fear-based extremism. Early voting goes til Thursday and Election Day is November 6. Please don’t sit this one out.

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Alyssa Milano Casting Spells On Ammar Campa-Najjar’s opponent

#VoteOrTreat Phone banking for @ACampaNajjar with @CourageCampaign! pic.twitter.com/7ygcjQL62r

— Alyssa Milano (@Alyssa_Milano) October 31, 2018

Oprah Is Nothing Like Us

But is still getting out the vote for Stacey Abrams!

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Which Was More Underwhelming: Meghan’s Dress Or These Celebs’ Hats?

You might have heard there was a wedding this weekend! The world’s favorite royal and most obvious example that what happens in Vegas does not actually stay in Vegas, Prince Harry, married Deal or No Deal briefcase girl Meghan Markle. Congratulations! I’m sure they will be very happy together for the next 18 months. In all seriousness, the royal wedding was gorgeous and the dress was underwhelming, but that’s not why I was watching. I’m here for the hats and the fascinators. Didn’t I just sound so British there? Being a Jersey girl myself, I’ve not had the opportunity to wear a balls-out-bonkers hat to a wedding. They frown upon that in my home state, but you can bring all the cleavage you want. We’re a complicated people.

I had high hopes for this wedding, since all the celebrities that befriended Meghan when they found out she was dating Prince Harry were invited to attend *cough* Oprah *cough*. Also, we all remember how Harry’s cousin Princess Beatrice loves to upstage the bride.

Another protocol for ladies attending the wedding this weekend: Royal protocol says that women must wear hats/fascinators to all official occasions. This custom dates back to the ‘50s, when aristocratic women rarely showed their hair in public. Pictured here is Princess Beatrice at Will & Kate’s wedding…. yup, lots of feedback received on her hat post wedding! ???????? ——————————— #Royalprotocol #theroyals #meghanandharry #harryandmeghan #meganmarkle #royalwedding #theroyalwedding #fascinator #fascinators #ladieshats #customs #royalcustoms #weddingguests #weddingguestetiquette #PrincessBeatrice #PrincessBeatricehat ???? ???? ❤️ ????

A post shared by 2GC (@2_greek_chicks) on

Iconic.

So imagine my disappointed surprise when I saw that only a select few celebs really brought it. I can only imagine they heard the bride’s dress was going to be boring af and decided to follow Suits suit? Let’s take a look at some of the standout pieces.

Oprah

Since we’re talking about the royals, it’s only appropriate to begin with America’s Queen, Her Royal Highness Oprah Winfrey. As my work friend just commented, Oprah looked a little cray-cray. Her hat designer managed to create a bespoke piece that included feathers that reach all the way to Chicago from Windsor Castle. It’s a modern engineering marvel. I pity the fool who had to sit behind her.

Thank you @stellamccartney ! Realized Friday morning the beige dress I was planning to wear to Royal ceremony would photograph too “white” for a wedding.Her team did this overnite. Hat is vintage @philiptreacy been in my closet since 2005 with new feathers. OMG was this an extraordinary day! #Harry&Meghan #RoyalWedding #Lovedeveryminute

A post shared by Oprah (@oprah) on

Serena Williams

If you read my Bella Thorne article, you know I think Serena is the GOAT. She can do no wrong in my eyes, and she is certainly the GOAT in the hat department of this wedding. I can only imagine her fascinator was modeled in the image of a flame because Serena shoots straight fire on the court and in this outfit. How many more compliments do we think I need to give her for her to call me?

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Amal Clooney

Amal Clooney is British, so I figured she would know better than others how to toe the line of totally insane but also respectful. And we all know she loves a fugly outfit (that Met Gala dress, amiright?). But instead, she dressed like classic school girl character Madeline.

The A-list guests are starting to arrive to the #royalwedding! Tap the link in the bio to see more. | ????: Getty

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Priyanka Chopra

It’s been widely reported that the Quantico actress is one of Meghan’s closest friends. So naturally when she got the invitation to the royal wedding, she went right to her stylist and said “Gimme one that looks like a spaceship, only purple.” And they did just that. After the wedding it conveniently transported her back to her home planet of crazy.

Thank you ???? @viviennewestwood @philiptreacy and @jimmychoo #harryandmeghan

A post shared by Priyanka Chopra (@priyankachopra) on

Troian Bellisario

I’d be remiss to write this article and not mention that Spencer Hastings was there! Her hat was perfectly lovely and normal and frankly I expected more from a woman that agreed to play her own identical twin on TV just because the writers ran out of ideas. I can only hope that Troian spent the whole wedding using her SPOT-ON Alex Drake British accent.

Weddings are a joyous occasion. But today was just off the charts amazing. Congratulations Meghan and Harry. I am so grateful I got to witness your love today. There are many happy years to come. Also. Thank you so much @annabelleharron & @temperleylondon for making me feel so beautiful on such a momentous occasion. And last but definitely not least… thank you @halfadams for being your devastatingly handsome self and letting me come along for the ride.

A post shared by Troian Bellisario (@sleepinthegardn) on

Clearly the celebrities did not bring their A-game to this wedding. Fingers crossed the reception outfits were better and that in 20 years I’ll be writing about the Oprah-Prince George power couple wedding.

Images: Getty Images; @2_greek_chicks, @oprah, @serenawilliams, @people, @priyankachopra, @sleepinthegardn / Instagram

A Ranking Of Oprah’s Most Iconic Moments In Honor Of Her Birthday

It’s the last Monday in January, which is arguably the worst day of the week in the worst month of the year. But today doesn’t feel as dreadful as it should be and that’s because today is the day our savior was born. Yes, on this day 64 years ago God gave us Oprah and then promptly took a vacation because she knew the world would be cared for while Oprah was around.

Oprah has recently made a resurgence in our collective consciousness because of Wrinkle In Time and the glimmer of hope she presented in the unending nightmare that is the Trump presidency. But here’s the thing. Oprah never truly leaves our collective conscious because she shaped our collective conscious. Anything good on this godforsaken planet can probably be traced back to Oprah.

Oprah is an icon, which is a term that is used too liberally these days. She truly is the definition of iconic. She has a monthly magazine that only has her on the cover. Your fave could literally never. In an attempt to do the impossible, here are her most iconic moments.

When Everyone Got A Car

This is probably what she is most famous for: giving away cars. What a way to cement yourself in everyone’s’ favor, by being a good gift giver. Oprah was a real sneaky betch and invited a bunch of teachers onto her show to talk about like, being spiritual or whatever and then was like SIKE! CHECK UNDER YOUR SEATS. It was the bellow heard round the world. Everyone got a car.

Bread

Despite being spiritually and emotionally perfect, Oprah has one flaw. She loves bread. But you know what? That flaw sort of makes her more perfect because I also love bread. So in that way I am Oprah. We are all Oprah. Bread is our lover.

Asking Racists What’s Up

Oprah was having too good of a time on her show interviewing people who loved her so she decided to take a midday train to Georgia and ask a bunch of racists what their deal was. She showed up to Forsyth county where a black person hadn’t lived in 75 years, and was like, “what’s good?” Unfortunately her brilliance was lost on a bunch of the toothless klan members but you can’t say the queen didn’t try.

The Casual Wagon Of Fat

One time in 1988, on her show, Oprah entered the stage looking svelte as hell and pulling a wagon of 67 lbs of fat, which was the exact same amount she had lost. Take notes on how to make a goddamn entrance, ladies. When you’ve been hitting the gym and eating right and don’t want to risk having people not notice before you inevitably put it back on, enter any room with a wagon full of fat.


Dealing With Tom Cruise

Every woman at one point or another has to display her strength by handling an out of control world famous actor jumping on her furniture. Oprah handled Tom Cruise’s manic love declarations with grace and a healthy dose of side eye and really was the vehicle for all of our thoughts when he rudely stepped on her loveseat.

Walking on Coals

Literally she just decided to walk on fire because it was something that scared her. Obviously she accomplished it and seemed sort of unhinged in the aftermath and it was a gorgeous sight to witness. Only a true icon would do something so blatantly destructive and then share the experience with everyone and be like, “wow actually it was rly healing you should try it.”

Her Iconic Golden Globes Speech

Knowing how much we were suffering under the reign of Trump, Oprah pulled out all the stops in her acceptance speech for the Cecil B Demille awards at the Golden Globes. We were immediately transported back to 4pm in the early 2000’, watching her hold court on TV. Her speech was so moving it like made us not only want her to run for president but discard the entire government and establish a monarchy. Oprah as King.

These Gifs

Oprah expressions are the roadmap from which we know how to emote.

 
 

The Time She Told Lindsay Lohan To Cut The Bullshit

We were all thinking it, but Oprah actually said it. Sadly, LiLo did not take any of Oprah’s advice (should be considered a sin, TBH) and her bullshit has only continued. 

Her Best Friendship With Gayle

This is a lifelong iconic friendship. These two women are so close they have everyone freaking out and positive they are actually lovers and what’s great is the two of them don’t acknowledge those rumors because like, so what if they’re gay? Their love is so pure and strong it transcends sexuality and physicality. It’s literally the definition of soul sisters. It’s what we should all aspire to. Sure, a Stedman is nice to have, but get yourself a Gayle. 

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The Best Dressed At The 2018 Golden Globes & The People Who Didn’t Wear Black

Typically, the Golden Globes is the award ceremony known as the one where everyone gets totally tanked. It’s kind of infamously known as the sloppiest televised night in Hollywood. This year, while I’m sure people still got super drunk (I’m looking at you, Franco Brothers), the blackout was of a different kind. As anyone with internet access (or at the very least, cable) probably knows, celebrities wore black to the event in support of the Time’s Up initiative, which helps fight sexual harassment against in the workplace. Although it wasn’t officially strictly enforced, this was basically the most important dress code since the Plastics decided to wear pink on Wednesdays. Because the whole point is to bring women together, anyone who didn’t wear black wasn’t like, ridiculously shamed or anything, but they were still noted. So this year we’re doing things a little differently with our best and worst dressed list. We’ll highlight the people who looked especially amazing (since everyone looks good in black), and point out those who, for whatever reason, chose not to.

THE BEST

1. Saoirse Ronan

Saoirse Ronan is totally on top of the fucking world right now. Everyone’s obsessed with her, she just won Best Actress for her performance in Lady Bird, and we all can finally almost pronounce her name without having to Google it. Plus, she had someone FaceTime her mom to watch her acceptance speech. Her edgy Atelier Versace gown is to die for, and I think we all wish we could look half as good with such minimal makeup.

Saoirse Ronan Golden Globes

2. Kerry Washington

If anyone in this world is capable of making a sequin high-low dress look incredible, it’s Olivia Pope. I mean, Kerry Washington. Obviously, she’s powerful enough to do anything (she’s literally pulling off purple eyeliner here). I don’t see why she can’t save the real-life America. Maybe if/when Oprah runs for President, Kerry can be her VP.

Kerry Washington Golden Globes

3. Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie also wore Atelier Versace. This custom gown is totally the personification of the “me when I answer the door of my mansion pretending to be shocked when I learn my 78-year-old husband just died” meme. I’m so into it, mostly because I often forget that Mr. & Mrs. Smith is a movie and not real life, and she’s not actually going to assassinate Brad Pitt. (Probably.)

Angelina Jolie Golden Globes

4. Millie Bobby Brown

Millie Bobby Brown is barely old enough to be left unattended in a tanning salon lobby, but I’m still going to include her in every best dressed list because she always serves a perfect look. Honesty, it’s unfair that the girl will never have an awkward phase, and I will be bringing it up with my therapist during my next session. Millie’s backless Calvin Klein dress is super sophisticated in the cutest way possible and probably makes you want to hide your bat mitzvah photos for the rest of eternity.

Millie Bobby Brown Golden Globes

5. Oprah Winfrey

I mean, fucking duh, it’s Oprah. Obviously the woman we all wish was our mom, best friend, boss, and president slayed. I actually don’t know if Oprah has ever looked better. I’m pretty sure everyone’s still crying from her speech, so there’s that, too.

Oprah Golden Globes

6. Alison Brie

Dress/pants hybrids are usually as risky as drinking tequila while taking antibiotics, but Alison Brie’s outfit absolutely nailed it. It also had pockets, so it’s the ultimate “thanks it has pockets” gown.

Alison Brie Golden Globes

7. Zoe Kravitz

At first glance, Zoe Kravitz’s Golden Globes look is really simple with splashes of color in her jewelry and makeup. Obviously, Zoe has her shit together enough to strategically choose even her earrings and ring. Emerald stones are meant to symbolize hope and growth, and were worn by a few actresses as a further statement. This totally makes me feel like a POS for generally having “I can find two of them while on my way out the door” as the primary criteria for choosing earrings.

Zoe Kravitz Golden Globes

EVERYONE WHO MISSED THE ‘WEAR BLACK’ MEMO

1. Blanca Blanco

Blanca explained her fashion choice to Fox News, saying, “I love red,” which is kind of like when Kelly Kapoor wore white to Phyllis’ wedding because it was “an emergency,” and the emergency was she looks really good in white. Blanca clarified, “Wearing red does not mean I am against the movement. I applaud and stand by the courageous actresses that continue to break the cycle of abuse through their actions and fashion style choices. It is one of many factors leading women to a safer place because of their status. I am excited about the #TimesUp movement; true change is long overdue.”

Blanca Blanco Golden Globes

2. Frances McDormand

We’re willing to give Frances McDormand the benefit of the doubt because she was so amazing in Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, a movie that I bet nobody my age saw, except for me. It’s clear from Frances’ acceptance speech that she wasn’t intentionally making a statement against the #TimesUp movement with her dress choice, but rather, she grabbed this navy dress in the dark while rushing out the door. Let he who has never gotten dressed with the lights off cast the first stone.

Frances McDormand Golden Globes

3. Barbara Meier

I’ll save you the trouble of Googling and let you know that Barbara Meier is a German model who won Germany’s Next Topmodel in 2006. It’s unclear why she was there in the first place—maybe to keep Kendall Jenner company?—and she basically went in the total opposite direction of everyone else, sporting a multicolored floral dress. Awkward. Barbara defended her decision to not wear black, basically saying that women should be able to wear whatever they want, which nobody is arguing with. She said in a translated Instagram post, “We were fighting for a long time for the freedom to wear what it is ok, to dress up a little more sexy. If we now restrict this, because some men can not control themselves, this is a huge step back in my opinion,” seemingly missing the point that nobody cares that she dressed sexy, just that she didn’t wear black. Oh well. Can’t win ’em all.

Barbara Meier Golden Globes

4. Meher Tatna

As the President of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, you would think Meher Tatna would have gotten the memo that on the Sunday of the Golden Globes, we wear black. In her defense, though, a source told The Wrap that Tatna “wore the dress that she chose with her mother,” adding, “As part of her Indian culture, it’s customary to wear a festive color during a celebration.” So like, okay, we’re not going to argue with her culture. Sources also say that she’s a big supporter of Time’s Up, so we’ll let it slide. her shoes are black, at least?

Meher Tatna