You’ve probably been there: a couple of vodka sodas deep, contemplating leaving the bar, when you get that familiar “wyd?” text. Or maybe you’re alone on your couch watching your favorite Netflix show and scrolling through memes, when you come across a meme you know your ex would find hilarious… so then you’re the one who’s tempted to send that “wyd?” text. When it comes to the question of hooking up with your ex, the answer that immediately comes to mind is “no”. Or to be more precise, “hell no!” Whether you’re asking your friends for advice, talking to your therapist, or doing your nightly internet search for the very specific problems that only affect you, the general consensus seems to be that it’s best to steer clear of hooking up with an ex. Which is totally valid, considering they’re your ex for a reason. While I never advocate for backsliding, dating is not black and white—one could even say that when it comes to relationships there are, well, 50 shades of grey (sorry, couldn’t resist).
Like pretty much every girl ever, I hooked up with an ex. Let’s call him Jake, because that’s his name. (Sorry dude, but you have a really common name, I’m not changing it). Jake and I reconnected, aka Jake slid into my DMs. We broke up forever ago and stayed friends, meaning that I don’t currently have a Voodoo doll of him and didn’t burn all his pictures. Curious enough, I went, and four drinks and some serious eye contact later, we were “reconnecting’” in the backseat of his car. I’ll stop the story there, because, like, TMI. In the wake of judgmental stares and a barrage of “No, tell me you didn’t!” from friends, I figured that I could A) turn this hookup into an article and fulfill my lifelong dream of being Carrie Bradshaw, B) make my friends calm the F down, and C) do my part to eliminate the shame that is associated with hooking up with an ex. I researched, and then researched again (bravo, Jake), and discovered that hooking up with an ex doesn’t always have to be a negative thing. While a majority of the time the case for sleeping with an ex can be made to be a horrible-no-good-very-bad idea, I dared to wonder, could there be an upside? And if you’re going to do it, is there a healthy way to go about it, rather than shadily sneaking off from the bar and not telling your friends where you’re going? In order to answer that question, I spoke with dating expert Judge Lauren Lake of Lauren Lake’s Paternity Court, about the right way to hook up with your ex.
First things first, a big disclaimer: If your ex was a toxic, abusive, and/or a negative influence in your life, then do not go back to them in any way. You should keep that door locked, fly to a foreign country, and throw that key into the bottom of an ocean. Lake echoes this: “If you feel like the person will be able to manipulate you or play on your emotions, stay away. You should only interact with exes when there is mutual respect,” she says. This so-called “mutual respect” between exes may seem like a myth, but if you have experienced it and are considering diving back into those familiar waters, read on for some advice.
Be Realistic With Expectations
please present the signed permission slip from your therapist before approaching me romantically
— cranky beth (@marybethbarone) October 3, 2019
First and foremost, you should be honest with yourself. Figure out why you have the sudden urge to slide back into your ex’s DMs or to answer that “I miss you” text. Go ahead and check all that apply: Are you bored? Lonely? Horny? Do you actually miss them? Actually miss their genitalia? There are no wrong answers, but it’s important to know yourself. According to Lauren Lake, “Hookups with exes are common. Sometimes it’s about unresolved feelings and sometimes it’s just about missing the physical connection.”
With that foundation set, you then need to be realistic about what you’re expecting from these (probably) two minutes of passion. Do you want to rekindle the relationship and get back together? If that’s the case, then I highly suggest that you communicate this to your ex beforehand, because sex will not fix a broken relationship. Lake advises, “If things are heating up, it’s best to pause and make sure you are on the same page. If not, one person may think it is the first step to getting back together, or that it may be an ongoing hookup, while the other may have no intentions to ever hookup again.” To put it bluntly, just because your ex has sex with you doesn’t necessarily mean that they will want to get back together—they probably just wanted to have sex. Sorry, but it’s true. Best to save yourself the back-and-forth and figure that sh*t out beforehand.
On the flip side, if you’re just a human with urges and want someone that feels familiar, comfortable, and who knows what you like, then sex with your ex can be a positive thing. If both of you are on the same page of your soap opera romance, then you can relieve any pressures about pursuing an emotional connection and just enjoy your carnal lovemaking (no details pls). Lake puts it best: “Just because the relationship went bad, doesn’t mean the sex did.” She’s got a point.
But, before you book an Uber to their place, remember that communication is always key. It’s pretty much impossible to have a one-night stand with someone that you have a history with, typically because a one-night stand does not come with an entire matching bedroom set (i.e. your past and baggage). “Since you’ve already had a relationship with the person, it wouldn’t be a one-night stand, but it could be a one-more night stand,” says Judge Lauren Lake. So like, just be clear as to why you want this and what you want out of it.
Caution: Mixing Business With Pleasure
Me and my ex communicating like…. https://t.co/8ysg6N9ZT7
— Ruby ✨ (@Rubyyyyy23) August 19, 2019
Once you’ve established your intentions, at least within your own mind, you should then consider the implications of jumping back into old roles. This mainly applies to those of us who would like to explore a strictly physical reunion. If you want to avoid any mixed signals or catching feelings, then it would be wise to avoid slipping back into the original dynamics of your relationship, like going on dates. Groundbreaking, I know. Sure, you can go to their place for a glass of boxed wine or a casual night of “Netflix and chill” (do the kids still do this?), but be wary of going out to dinner, a movie, the bowling alley (I don’t know what you do in your free time). Basically, don’t do things that can, by any measure, be considered a formal date. I know that going out to brunch the morning after and letting your ex pay sounds tempting (and like a good way to save money), but if you do that, you risk blurring the lines of what is just a hookup and what is the beginning of a relationship. Do you know what they call two people who go out for a night on the town and then have sex later? A couple. Sorry, but you’re dating.
It can be easy for both of you to revert to how you were when you were in a relationship, holding hands and packing on the acceptable amount of PDA. But if you’re just looking for a casual hookup, then this isn’t the foreplay you should be doing. Lake explains, “‘Playing house’ for a few days may allow you to feel the euphoria of the honeymoon phase in your relationship without remembering all the problems and issues that drove you apart. You may begin to feel attached again, only to realize later that the relationship still doesn’t serve you.” Even if you aren’t planning on continuing this pattern, having a one, two, three day, whatever-it-may-be relationship with your ex isn’t any better than getting back together and breaking up again. You’re still doing it, just not officially, leaving more room for confusion and (ugh gross) feelings.
Well, Is there An Upside?
Ultimately only you can decide if hooking up with your ex is a good idea or not. Every relationship is different, and what may be right for you may be totally wrong for your friend’s roommate’s cousin or whoever. That said, if you and your ex parted ways mutually, respectfully, and otherwise amicably, then getting with an ex can be fun and something to chat about at brunch with your friends appropriately named Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda. Judge Lauren Lake says, “The upside would be that you already know one another, care for one another, and have mutual respect. All of these things can lead to an enhanced sexual experience, and the opportunity to experience the connection again, even if it’s just for one night.” In other words, it doesn’t have to be an automatic no… just be smart about it.
So there we have it. Go ahead and take the shame out of going back for seconds and feel free to engage in a super-hot moment in the backseat with someone that knows you (emotionally and physically-wink, wink), respects you, and has the same intentions. Provided they do respect you and have the same intentions. When all that is accounted for, hooking up with an ex can be great, and possibly worth a standing ‘O’vation.
When contemplating your next move, just ask yourself, is the box of condoms half empty or half full?
Images: Sky Cinema / Shutterstock.com; @marybethbarone, @Rubyyyyy23, / Twitter, Giphy (2)
Unless you’re still dating your high school boyfriend like seven years later (congrats, weirdo), you’ve def come across a guy at some point and wondered, “is he actually into me or am I just a hookup?” It’s something that you should figure out, specifically if you’re emotionally unstable and afraid of rejection. Though I’m sure it’s baffling that everyone isn’t in love with you, men are, as a rule, idiots.
Once upon a time, I was an absolute moron and basically thought that if I started talking to a guy I’d eventually date him. That’s when I stumbled upon the Betches dating book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies, one day and got a clue. This isn’t even #sponsored, it’s just how I found my way to this website. But also buy their new book because it’s equally brilliant. K sorry I’ll stop fangirling.
Anyway, you don’t want to be a dumbass by focusing on a single guy and refusing to talk to other potentially even hotter guys just because you’re convinced that you’re going to start dating and you don’t want to ruin it. That’s stupid for so many reasons. Basically, here are all the signs you’re just a hookup that I wish I had always known. These have been gathered from my friends and my own idiocy. I also polled some of my guy friends so you could get the ~inside scoop~.
Hopefully, you already know the obvious. If he only texts you at 2am, he doesn’t want to date you. But boys, despite being complete buffoons to girls, are tbh a little sneaky sometimes. So without further ado, here are some slightly less obvious signs you’re just a hookup and he’s not that into you, sorry bb.
1. You’ve Never Seen Him Consume Anything But Alcohol
Either he’s secretly a vampire (cue a Vampire Diaries marathon) or he doesn’t want to waste money buying you food when he can just buy you shots in a few hours when you meet up at a bar. “Oh yeah, we’ll get dinner next time but come to Kell’s tonight!” Don’t fall for that.
2. He Takes Forever To Reply
He takes a day to text you back, and when he does, his texts makes no sense, he doesn’t answer any of your questions, he OBNRs your Snapchat (if you’re, like, under 21 this is especially important), etc. it’s one of the surefire signs you’re just a hookup. If he replies with, “Oh sorry just saw this” or “Was slammed this week with work,” you should call BS and move on. Three different guys I polled were like, “we’re always lying when we say this,” sooo consider it a line.
3. He Doesn’t Take You To Brunch The Next Morning
Just because he let you sleep over does not mean he’s necessarily into you. Like, okay, he didn’t shove you out of bed at 4am. So, he’s… a semi-decent human being? I wouldn’t go announcing your impending nuptials. Ask yourself a few more questions: Did you wake up wedged between the mattress and the wall with no covers? Did he mutter something about how the door locks and run off to “use the bathroom” so you can change and leave ASAP? Did he promise to text you later even though you haven’t even exchanged numbers? If you answer yes to any of these questions, ding ding ding (!!) he’s an asshole, and he’s probs not into you.
If, however, he offers to take you out for brunch, or even just a casual coffee at Philz, then things are looking up. At the very least, he better text you after hooking up.
4. He Doesn’t Talk With You About Substantial Things
Do you know anything about his life? Like, does he have a little sister? Have a favorite food? Know when his next midterm is? And more importantly, does he know anything about you? Does he remember your birthday? Or like, I don’t know, if you have a huge presentation for work? Basically, if he knows details about you, that means he cares enough to remember boring sh*t about your life. If he only remembers to text you Saturday night because ~suddenly~ he wants to know “what’s up” then leave him on read.
5. He’s Rude In Person
Either he’s supremely awkward (in which case, ew byeeeeee) or he just doesn’t want to talk to you. Sure, it’s immature to be standing eight inches away from someone and not say hi, but really, you can’t expect much from 22-year-olds who still think they’re in a frat. Anyway, if he looks away when you walk by or mutters “hey” before walking off in the other direction aggressively “texting” then yeah, he’s not interested.
Even though it may suck to realize that your future husband potential boyfriend person of interest isn’t actually, um, interested in you, it’s a healthy thing to realize. You really don’t want to waste time and brain space on a guy that’s not good enough for you anyway when you could be finding someone else instead or bingeing all the Netflix romcoms ever created, because tbh that sounds more fun.
Images: Giphy (4)
Head Pro is definitely way too old to go to your prom, which is cool, he totally didn’t want to go anyway because he’s actually going to this really chill college party. It’s gonna be, like, really mature and stuff you wouldn’t like it anyway. Email him your questions at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Dear Head Pro,
Last Saturday was my senior prom, i went with a decent bro but the hottest guy from another school came to the after party, we made out, drank and had the BEST time, in the middle of our drake induced love he asked me to be his prom date to his school’s prom, these words exactly “you’re really fun, wanna go to prom with me?” I said yes, obvsss
But then the next day we barely spoke and haven’t really communicated much since then, so yesterday I took the plunge and snap chatted him saying “hey so you invited me to prom drunk lol” he said “yeah I did” and then I said “funnn! When is it?” And he said “may 18” that.was.it. Before he showed up to my after party he would snap me often but I havent heard anything else from him, I can’t help but feel like he regrets asking me lololol helppp
Lol, he definitely regrets inviting you. As for why, that’s anyone’s guess. Chances are he had planned on asking someone else, but figured asking the cute drunk girl (fresh off the high of her own prom, no less) to prom would get him into your pants. He wasn’t entirely wrong, but because he’s an idiot teenage boy thinking with his sweaty, idiot teenage penis, he didn’t think very far ahead.
I know it’s borderline impossible for a highschooler to do, but I think you’ve gotta ask him point blank what the deal is. It’s not really the kind of thing you want to leave in limbo, especially if your parents are rich and you can convince them to buy you a new dress on short notice. Besides, going to someone else’s prom whips way more ass than going to your own. Every single boy in the gymnasium is going to spend the entire night thinking unspeakable things about you (much to the chagrin of their dates), just because you’re new. Most people go their whole lives without experiencing that level of petty satisfaction.
So yeah, do the hard thing and get it cleared up. A hot dress, some smooching, and maybe an over-the-pants handy in his car before he drops you off, and you’ll have given that dude a memory he’ll cherish AT LEAST until his first weekend in college.
Dear Head Pro,
So I had a guy I’ve known for years reach out to me on Facebook Monday (after not seeing him or talking to him for close to 5 years) and after some brief chatting, suggested the next time he goes out for me to go too. I agreed but no definite date was set. Fast forward to Tuesday, he messaged me in the evening and said he was out with some of the guys he worked with and asked me to join and after some reluctancy, I did. I had work this morning so I was just having a couple of beers but it turned into great conversation and I had a lot of fun. Well he had been drinking a lot and I didn’t want him drinking and driving so I offered to give him a ride home (he lives 10 minutes from me). He agreed and I took him home and he suggested I just stay the night since it was really late and I agreed.
One thing led to another and we had sex. He still kept chatting with me the whole night about things going on in his life, the death of a close friend, he said about us getting together again this weekend and wanted to cuddle. We stayed up till after 4:00am (I had to be up at 5:30 for work) but I took him to his truck so he didn’t have to find a ride. I pull up to his truck and just went to give him a hug goodbye and he kissed me and said “I fully expect you to be angry with me for keeping you up all night” to which I said “oh don’t worry I’m sure I’ll be texting you to complain about how tired I am. He said he couldn’t wait to hear from me.
I texted him and we did have a brief conversation just saying how much fun we had. I sent the last text and he has not responded. I never said thank you for inviting me out or I want to do it again. I guess I’m a little confused if this is just a routine one night stand or potentially more? Do I actually make it a point to go through the thank you process or bring up the idea of hanging out again or just stay silent till he reaches out again?
Christ. One nice thing about getting older is that there’s no one in this universe I’m horny enough for to even think about surviving on 90 minutes of sleep. Selena Gomez and Shay Mitchell could show up at my door with a ball of yarn, a bundt cake pan, and an oil drum full of lube, and it still ain’t happening if it’s after midnight. Sorry babes, I gotta get my 7 and a half hours.
Anyway, in this case I think you’re looking at a standard-issue one-nighter. It’s extremely funny, to me, that you’re entertaining the notion that it’s somehow because you didn’t thank him for the barely-date. Like, I’m pretty sure he took the sex as a more than adequate token of your appreciation. No guy talks to his friends after that and says “we had a nice time, and we totally did sex, but she didn’t send me a thoughtful follow-up text. SO TACKY, right?!?!?!?”
I don’t think he was ever all that into you, given that he put literally zero effort into going out with you in the first place (I missed the part in the play where Romeo gallantly invited Juliet to meet up with his bro pack). But as I often tell people here, it’s unlikely your situation would be made worse by asking for what you want, be it clarification or to hang out again. Probably, he’ll blow you off, but you never know: you could keep meeting up periodically and hooking up, leading to an unbalanced FWB situation that will cause you irreparable emotional trauma. Life is full of delightful little unexplored mysteries like that, you know?
Head Pro is definitely way too old to go to your prom, which is cool, he totally didn’t want to go anyway because he’s actually going to this really chill college party. It’s gonna be, like, really mature and stuff so you wouldn’t like it anyway. Email him your questions at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
