Every four years, we get the opportunity to turn on the Winter Olympics, watch about three seconds of someone skiing, and then get bored and change the channel to a random RHONY rerun. Luckily for us, the hot Olympians of Team USA make watching slightly more enjoyable considering they’re v good-looking. In case you haven’t been stalking their Instagrams already, here are the 8 hottest athletes on Team USA this year:
Hot Olympian #1: Gus Kenworthy
Gus Kenworthy is a 26-year-old pro skier who already has over five silver medals in his pocket. Can you please do less? He’s also literally so good-looking, so I guess some people really do have it all. He’s also gay which is a bummer for the straight women out there, but like, I’ll still be watching him. And stalking his Instagram.
Hot Olympian #2: David Chodounsky
David is an alpine skier from Colorado and he’s been on the US team for over eight years. He went to Dartmouth and won the NCAA slalom title when he was just a freshman, sooo let’s assume he didn’t have any *social* trouble. I’m a fan.
Hot Olympian #3: Hakeem Abdul-Saboor
I honestly never even knew bobsledding was a real Olympic sport beyond Cool Runnings, but now it’s kinda my fav one. Hakeem Abdul- Saboor (AKA @has_fitness on Insta) is literally so hot and the videos he posts of his gym sessions are literally mind-blowing. I mean, who knew you had to be jacked under all those layers?
Hot Olympian #4: Tim Burke
Great views @SkiWhiteface after a hard bounding session! pic.twitter.com/klOeXILvAI
— Tim Burke (@tb_burke) August 8, 2016
Tim Burke is a biathlete, so yes he has many talents. Before 2017, he was one of only two men in the US to have won a biathlon medal at the world championship. He’s already broken a ton of records and he’s only in his 30’s. Plus, he’s married to another biathlete, Andrea Henkel, and the two of them combined have more world cup medals than the average human will ever see.
Hot Olympian #5: Joey Mantia
This guy makes long track speedskating look good, even though he has to wear those tragic goggles when competing. Joey Mantia has literally been sponsored by every big company, from Under Armour to Comcast. He’s obviously playing his cards right. He also owns a cafe in Utah. Talk about a diverse resume.
Hot Olympian #6: Jordan Greenway
UM, apparently this guy is 20 years old so this may be creepy, but like, he’s 6 foot 5 and weighs 230 pounds, so he’s killing it. Aside from his good looks, it’s beyond impressive that he’s on the Olympic ice hockey team at this age. Like, my biggest accomplishment at 20 years old was getting into some campus bar without getting carded.
Hot Olympian #7: Jayson Terdiman
This guy is a luge athlete, which is that sport that looks like grown men are sliding down the mountain on a sled like they’re on some water slide at Atlantis. Turns out it’s actually a really intense sport and this guy is one of the best in the world. It’s basically all about controlled upper body strength, so there’s no question he’s jacked.
Hot Olympian #8: Jake Pates
Shaun White has been known as the hot snowboarder for some time now, but honestly, Jake Pates may take his place this year. Jake is from Colorado, but he kinda looks like the surfing type that lives in Malibu and has never been to New York. He made the US Rookie team in 2014 and he’s been killing it ever since. Plus, his Instagram bio says “FAM FIRST,” so like, he’s husband material for sure.
Also, Jake doesn’t have a sexual harassment scandal brewing so like…there’s also that.
The Olympics are upon us, which means the world will get to watch as the best athletes on Earth compete against each other for metal necklaces – it’s truly thrilling. Even more so when those athletes are, on top of being the pinnacle of athletic ability, really fucking attractive. Now, we all know that Team U.S.A is and always will be the most gorgeous hunk of team ever to walk the face of the Earth, but in the spirit of global unity here are some other athletes from around the world whose events you should def ditch work to watch DVR when the time comes:
Team Spain
Javier Fernandez – Figure skater
Anyone who says male figure skaters aren’t hot are seriously disturbed, and clearly haven’t seen Javier Fernandez. Javier is a two-time World champion, sex time consecutive European Champion, three-time Grand Prix final medalist, eight-time Spanish national champion, and a certified ten – or diez – depending on if you’re trying to impress him with your 9th grade level Spanish skills.
Team France
Martin Fourcade – Biathlete
Umm…yeah, obviously Team France was going to bring the heat. Fourcade is a “biathlete,” and for those of you who still need to brush up on your knowledge of random Olympic sports, that means his event involved both cross-country skiing, and shooting a gun. Not sure why those two skills were combined, but I’m very open to letting Martin change my mind on this subject.
Team Norway
Henrik Kristoffersen – Alpine Ski Racer
So let me just say right now, you are not ready for Henrik Kristoffersen. You think you are, but you are mistaken. Let me also say, that after a brief (read: 2 hour) stalking of his Instagram, he has a girlfriend and/or wife. Sorry for the bad news. Kristoffersen is a skier who focuses on both the slalom and giant slalom events.
I think I speak for everyone when I say I can’t wait to see this man’s giant slalom in South Korea this year.
Team Japan
Yuzuru Hanyu – Figure Skater
Once again, the male figure skaters are holding it down by being both athletic and fashionable. Get yourself a man who can do both, fam. Yuzuru Hanyu took home the gold in Men’s singles at the last winter Olympics, though I feel like he won’t be a single man for much longer. *ba-dum-CHI*
Team Germany
Axel Jungk – Skeleton Racer
Axel Jungk is a skeleton racer who represents Germany in the Skeleton World Cup which is a real sport and not, as I initially thought, an extremely competitive Halloween costume contest. Anyway, based of his Instagram, this German Jungk is something to behold:
Team Canada
Alex Pietrangelo – Ice Hockey
If you’re looking for a hot Olympian who is a little closer to home, might I suggest Alex Pietrangelo of the Canadian Ice Hockey team. Sadly, he is married (boo) and his Insta profile pic is literally him at his wedding (so rude), but a girl can dream, eh?
** Okay, so turns out Alex won’t actually be at the Olympics because NHL players aren’t allowed to go this year (boo) but we’re going to keep his Insta on here so you can scroll through his pics and dream of a world where you give a fuck about hockey.
Team Tonga
Pita Toufatofua – Skier
You probably remember Pita from the Rio Olympics when he made a major entrance by showing up fully shirtless and covered in oil as if to say, “It’s Tonga time, bitch!” Well this year, your boy is back, and competing as Tonga’s only Olympian. Because like, who needs a whole team when you’re only competitor looks like this:
Team U.K.
Joel Fearon – Bobsledder
Joel Fearon is a not only a winter Olympian, he is also a sprinter, meaning he competes in the Summer Olympics too. And on top of all of that, he is foooooooooine af, and represents our ex-turned-BFF, the United Kingdom. Mmm. I’d start a special relationship with him any day:
Welp, there you have it. I’m sure more hot Olympians will reveal themselves as the games goes on (we didn’t even touch on the subject of lady Olympians here, because they’re honestly all so attractive there’s no reason for a roundup), but for now I think we can all agree that the old saying is true: It’s a hot world after all.
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