Last week we talked about what the girls who go on The Bachelor eat (answer: not very much) and how they exercise to stay so skinny. But that really only covers half of the question, “How are they all so much prettier than me?” Okay, so like, maybe that’s a me problem. But still, what are they all doing with their hair and makeup? Is there hope for any of us to ever look like one of the Laurens competing for Arie’s love, short of getting plastic surgery (and in Arie’s case, a lobotomy)? Read on because I researched the Bachelor contestants’ beauty regimens and found craziest shit these girls do in the name of beauty.
Makeup
Skincare
Hair
Regardless of what you think of the women on The Bachelor, as dumb as some of them are, and as ridiculous as their careers are (still wish I got to be a professional Dog Mom though), one thing we can agree on is that they always look amazing. It’s like a casting call for wannabe models with perfect bodies and eyelashes and hair to all compete against each other. And you know what? The ones I met recently look even better in person. They are all literally fucking tiny—Kristina, for instance, was the skinniest person I’ve ever seen in my life. It made me wonder: what the fuck do all the Bachelor contestants do to look like this?
So, we found out. Here is how to look like a Bachelor contestant while you also have a real job and aren’t selling your soul for love on a TV show.
Diet
All the women keep different diets, but it doesn’t seem like any of them just eat whatever they want and expect to look ripped. This might be why my method hasn’t been working for me, guys. Ashley I., for example, eats what she wants but stays under 1,400 calories a day. She also doesn’t work out (fucking bullshit). She says that most women are just not meant to eat the 2,000 calories a day that all of our nutrition labels claim is average and eating 1,400 calories keeps her on point. I mean, she has abs and doesn’t work out, so she must be doing something right.
Some ladies take it further, like Jennifer Saviano, and when preparing for the show, she cuts out carbs, sugar, and alcohol. Tbh, whenever I hear shit like this, I think I’d rather be fat. Like, I’m sorry, wine makes me happier than having abs ever will. Catherine Lowe eats mostly high-protein, like egg-white omelets or scrambled eggs for breakfast. Exciting.
Emily Maynard thinks cheese is the devil and eats a lot of salads. Olivia Caridi filled her giant mouth hole with whatever she wanted before The Bachelor, but only if it fit her macros on MyFitnessPal. Checking your macros is like the world’s worst puzzle, especially when you make them weird as fuck, like Olivia’s. She set hers to 40 percent protein, 40 percent carbs, and 20 percent fat each day, which I don’t really understand why, but she looked great on her season, so good job. Now please close your mouth, especially on TV.
People who actually have proper discipline, like D-Lo, don’t really change their diet much for the show, because they eat clean on the reg. D-Lo doesn’t eat grain-based carbs, refined sugar, or dairy. Also not down for this.
Exercise
Spoilers: it’s all a lot of cardio and squats. And sweating. I hate sweating.
Kaitlyn Bristowe prepared for The Bachelor by taking spin classes every day. Now she’s fucking a personal trainer and is in the “best shape of her life”, so guys, just follow in her footsteps because trainers are expensive. Other than that, it seems like most the contestants hire trainers before the show, and work out with them 4-5 days a week. Alexis Waters, aka the shark girl who thought she was a dolphin, did kickboxing and squats and the Stairmaster, all with a trainer. They also take a fuckton of classes. D-Lo does Barry’s Bootcamp, SoulCycle, and Bikram yoga; Jen Saviano does HIIT; Becca Tilley does SoulCycle, etc, etc, etc. Basically, move your ass and do it a lot.
If you also want to get in the “best shape of your life”, either start sleeping with a trainer, or you can hire one to force you to workout 4-5 days a week. Their prices range from $30/hr (frat guy trainer that took one class online from 24 Hr Fitness) to $300/hr, if you’re like a Kardashian and want a celebrity trainer. These numbers are typically based on their experience, so get one that actually knows what they are doing.
So basically, the takeaway here is that the girls who go on The Bachelor spend a ton of time, effort, and probs money to be the same size as one of my thighs. Maybe like, we shouldn’t shit on them constantly for selling hair gummies for a living, since obviously the average person (me) would not be able to be skinny or beautiful enough to do it?
Lol nah.
Images: Giphy (2)
While the losers from the past four seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette were busy spreading HPV on a beach in Mexico Monday night, most of them are probably back at home in Nashville watching the show air. Bachelor in Paradise is like, a weird reminder that the former cast members of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are super incestuous even when they’re not on the show. You just have to follow any one of them on Instagram to realize that these people mostly just hang out with each other. How is this possible? We all saw them go on hometown dates on their respective seasons in super different places. Did they like, just not have friends before they went on the show?
Well, the answer to the second question remains a mystery, but as far as the hometown one goes, it’s probs because none of them live in their actual hometowns anymore. In fact, I’m pretty sure everyone from The Bachelor lives in Nashville. And I’m not just saying that—I did extensive Googling research and concluded that Nashville is like, the Bachelor reject capital of America. You read that correctly—not LA, the thirst trap capital of America, but Nashville, home to Taylor Swift and like, that one episode from Master of None. Huh?
Sure, Nashville is known as the home of country music and is basically like any big American city that isn’t on a coast, so alright, but not the best. But it’s also home to Kaitlyn and Shawn B, Evan and Carly, radio DJ/BiP bartender Wells Adams, almost-Bachelor Luke Pell, country music video girl Danielle M., racist Lee, big-mouthed Olivia and… I think that’s it, and if there are more people I’m sure our super kind and gracious readers will alert us to the fact that I left out important players via our comments section.
Sure, there’s an entertainment industry in Nashville and it’s constantly on those “hottest cities for millennials” lists written by 40-year-olds. But you would think that you could get better gigs and Instagram ad sales if you were in New York or LA over like, the poor man’s New York or LA. But then again, maybe they just don’t make enough money peddling sugar-laden Biotin gummies to afford New York rent? Who would have thought.
It could also have something to do with the fact that many a former cast member is trying to use the show to catapult into country music stardom. For instance, ever since he lost his spot at being The Bachelor to a Dancing With The Stars reject, Luke Pell is legit touring with his “music”. I refuse to listen to it because I don’t care that much, but I assume it’s not totally terrible because people show up to his shows. At least, they do if this picture is to be believed.
Likewise, Kaitlyn Bristowe revealed on an episode of her podcast that she’s been taking singing lessons to sing country music. Like, really Kaitlyn? Being the funniest person on Snapchat and America’s Sweetheart in general isn’t enough for you? Also, WHY COUNTRY? Why can’t anybody just pick a different genre? There’s plenty of them out there. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
Maybe Nashville is like, the new LA or something? Errrrr just a smaller, more country version of LA where you don’t choke to death on smog and self-tanner fumes. IDK.
One of the worst (OK, maybe one of the best) things about the Bachelor franchise is that most of the pseudo-celebs from the show keep circling the drain of the cultural zeitgeist.
Like, with most things, you remember the winner, but on The Bachelor, the losers usually shine the brightest. Enter Corinne, Olivia, and Leah. The three blonde-ish Bach villains hung out over the weekend. My first thought: Uh what? Why? My second thought: Of course they did, because try-hards gonna try hard, it’s what they do.
So, since Corinne is hanging out with notorious Bachelor losers, can we just assume she’s not fucking going home with the final rose? I think that’s a pretty safe bet, actually.
Since we only got two pictures and, like, zero explanation of why this army of skanks was hanging out together or what was said, we’re left to speculate. Here are some possible and probable topics of conversation:
- How Lauren B. was definitely not good enough for Ben H.
- The secret to really great cheese pasta (it’s pre-shredded Kraft cheddar cheese BTW)
- How to talk your stylist into giving you the perfect bronde hair color
- The importance of planned dancing in American culture
- Chokers
- Embarassing yourself on national television
- Nanny maintenance and grooming
- Saying “poop” versus “poopy”
- The appropriate amount of cleavage to show on TV (answer: all of it)
- Not giving a fuck about the haterz #VilliansGottaVill #YouDontKnowUs
This special edition of Betch Slapped featured former The Bachelor contestant Olivia Caridi. We discuss Nick Viall’s season premiere, the new group of bachelorettes, the behind the scenes of filming, and what it’s like to be turned into the season’s villain. Listen below and subscribe here!
