As we get on into the scary shit that is adulthood, there are certain skills every betch should possess. Knowing how to fold fitted sheets (still unsure if this can be done), submit taxes, unload a dishwasher, book appointments, and even take care of an animal are all on the list. Feeding, and more importantly, drinking like a king are also up there. Knowing how to make classic drinks without consulting the internet so as to keep yourself and your friends drunk is super fucking important. Here is our definitive list of the drinks you need to memorize and know how to create for whoever walks through your door.
1. Gin & Tonic
It’s two goddamn ingredients, and if you can’t figure it out you don’t deserve to share space with those who do. Add about 2 oz. of gin to a tall glass filled with ice. Squeeze in 2-3 lime wedges, then add them to the glass. Add 3-4 oz. of tonic water and stir.
Ah, the margarita: a great and terrible decision, all wrapped into one. Luckily for you, making one isn’t really that difficult, since we’re going the classic route and not the blueberry burnt orange top shelf tequila dusted with fair trade sugar route. Run a lime wedge around two glasses and dip the rims in salt (or sugar if you’re a lil bitch). Set aside. In a cocktail shaker filled with ice, combine 4 oz. white tequila (NOT Jose Cuervo), 2 oz. Cointreau, and 1 ½ oz. fresh lime juice. Shake that shit for about 15 seconds. Fill the rimmed glasses with ice and strain the margarita into the glasses. Garnish with lime wedges and serve.
A real martini is made with gin, which, while making you a psychopath for drinking it, isn’t all that bad when added to a simple concoction like the motherfucking classic dry martini. Combine 2 oz. of dry gin with 1 oz. dry vermouth and 1 dash of orange bitters (optional) in a cocktail glass that’s been chilled. Stir well and twist a piece of lemon peel over—then use as garnish. Olives are a faux pas, BY THE WAY.
4. Old Fashioned
Since this is like, probs the OG cocktail, you better know how to make it. Classic recipes abound and it’s not all that difficult. Put 1 tsp sugar in a glass, douse with 2-3 dashes of bitters and a few drops of water. Add whiskey and stir until the sugar is dissolved. Add ice, stir to chill, and garnish with an orange slice.
We admit Sarah Jessica Horseface ruined this one for us, but it actually isn’t that bad of a cocktail. I mean, it’s kinda sweet, kinda tart, and kinda really fucking easy to make. Fill a cocktail shaker with ice and add 1 ½ oz of citrus vodka, ½ oz. Cointreau, ½ oz. cranberry juice, and ¼ oz. fresh lime juice. Shake that shit well and strain into a cold cocktail glass.
6. Mint Julep
So this may be the most difficult of the bunch, and that isn’t saying much. If you live in the dirty south or raise horses/make bank on horses in Kentucky, you better know how to make this recipe as well as you can stalk an ex’s girlfriend’s mother’s brother within 30 seconds of finding out their middle initial. Place 2 tsp. simple syrup in a tall glass and add about 10 fresh mint leaves. Muddle that shit until they’re bruised, but not totally destroyed. Half fill the glass with crushed ice and add 3 oz. of good bourbon, stirring to combine. Add more crushed ice and add a few sprigs of fresh mint on top. Serve with a short straw.
Congratulations, and welcome to society, ya filthy animal.
Heading to a bar with someone you’ve been on less than two dates with can be … eye opening. Without having to speak a word, a betch should be able to read subtle ques and signs which point to whether you have a pro, a bro, or a fucking dud. To save you time from being wasted and hair from being torn out in a not-meant-to-be relationship, here are what your guy’s drink order says about him.
1. Gin and Tonic
He probably has money and is a little boring. He also is pretty even-keeled and isn’t likely to want to be spontaneous, and prefers staying in and watching Netflix to going out. Enjoy a boring, possibly rich life. Alternatively, he might just be your grandpa.
2. Craft Beer
He loves Obama, loves talking to literally everyone, is intellectual, and can be a fucking pain. Like, if you’re into outdoor activities and discussing politics, go for it—but also, we don’t really know why you’re here. And it goes without saying, but he’s definitely a fucking hipster. Do not proceed unless you’re fine with being second to this guy’s food Instagram and his Bernie 2020 Facebook page.
He’s showing he’s in charge and attempting to be fancy. He’s likely to be more into commitment and real relationships. Shit, if he goes so far as to make it a gin martini with a specific gin, twist, etc.—sink your claws in. He’s also good in bed because he’s likely studied every single James Bond movie, so, win.
He loves the beach and partying literally all the time, just like you. He’s great for a fling and for heading to a summer concert series and rolling with. However, a steady soulmate he is not—he’s probably got some perplexingly feminism mannerisms to go along with his girly-ass drink order. Just beware.
5. Old Fashioned
If it’s a guy in his 20s, he probably idolizes Don Draper and is gearing up to take over his dad’s company in a few years. Do not go out with this dude—he’ll probably initiate conversation by “negging” you and thinks Brock Turner is “just misunderstood.” However, if he IS actually an older dude, he probably is a Don Draper type, and we say proceed. Then again, Don Draper was a huge fuckboy—fuckman?—so like, IDK. I know whiskey is supposed to be the “manly” drink and all, but proceed with caution.
6. Jager Anything
If any guy is out there still ordering Jager at a bar, he’s stuck in 2009. He probably follows The Situation on Instagram for fitness tips and laments the day when gelling your hair vertically stopped being cool. He is probably from Staten Island or Jersey or some other place you never want to step foot in. I shouldn’t have to say it, but DO NOT TAKE HIM HOME. If you do, you may never get the smell of Axe out of your sheets.
He’s mature but kind of a pussy. He has his go-to’s—in this case, wine—and he sticks with them. He’s confident and can probably discuss great stock options with you, but, yah, snore. If he orders white wine, he’s either gay or European.
If your date starts ordering fucking shots, he’s either a) still in college b) an alcoholic, or c) loves the Fast and Furious franchise. Run. He also probably loves Express Men and hair gel.
9. Domestic Beer
Meh. He’s just a dude. He’s not a big fan of branching out, he fucking loves football, and has never eaten Indian food. He also thinks salads are weird and worships steak.
10. Rum drinks
Take him on vacay to Punta Cana and he’ll be right at home. If he’s drinking shit like the Captain or Bacardi with cola, he’s kind of sheltered and never grew out of his college days. He also may be your creepy uncle. However, if he’s asking for muddled lime with his Mount Gay’s or Gosling’s, he’s manly and worldly. He’s also kind of a know-it-all, but if you enjoy listening more than talking, he’s a good catch.
You don’t have to imbibe green beer to feel festive this St. Patrick’s Day. Did St. Patrick even like the color green? We’re guessing no—and we’re also guessing he didn’t load up on beer, because, being a saint, he probably knew the sins associated with carbs and bloating.
In honor of the dude who supposedly drove all the snakes out of Ireland, let’s raise of glass of Bushmills Irish Whiskey—in cocktail form—obviously. I mean, is there anything more Irish than whiskey and drinking? Was that racist? It’s fine; I’m Irish. Which is precisely why you won’t see me caught dead in one of those “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” tees. Anyway, enjoy this recipe courtesy of Bushmills:
Bushmills Red Bush Irish Old Fashioned
- 1.5 oz Bushmills Red Bush Whiskey
- 2 dashes Dead Rabbit Orinoco Bitters, or really any legit bitters you can find
- 1 tsp Honey Syrup — make this by boiling together equal parts honey and water until the honey is totally dissolved. You can save this in the fridge and use it for drizzling over yogurt, fruit, whatever you need to convince yourself you’re not an alcoholic
- 1 dash Lemon Oils — head to Whole Foods/your hippie aunt’s house for this
Got all that? Great. Gently mix everything together, then pour over ice (preferably 1 large cube OR one of those fancy whiskey stones). Gently stir all that shit and garnish with an orange twist! Hooray. Enjoy a slightly less bloated, but still just as hungover, day after St. Patrick’s Day.