Last week, I did a breakdown of all the contestants on The Bachelorette. The Betches liked the point of view enough to ask me to give the average “straight guy” opinion on some other topics. This is the first one they sent:
What Guys Think Of Each Dating App/Site. Is it true that Bumble is for guys who are looking for something “more serious”? What do guys think of a girl who’s on Tinder vs. Bumble vs. Hinge, etc? Which one do guys like best?
These questions about dating apps give guys way too much credit. Honestly, we are on these apps to have sex first and then meet you after. I know that sucks to read, but it’s just the way we work. You’ll see in the breakdown below that guys love Bumble because it’s unlimited chances to maybe have sex. And the girls who want to maybe have sex literally come up to you and say, “OOHH ME! ME!” Guys generally don’t like the apps that limit that ability to get likes and matches and ego boosts, but those are the apps a girl should join if they want a boyfriend. I feel comfortable writing this because it’s a mostly female audience. Hopefully there isn’t a group of angry dudes with brass knuckles waiting to beat me up outside of this library I write at.
Here’s the breakdown:
What Guys Think Of You: You’re a girl in a major city. You go to brunch with your girls and share screenshots of horrible Bumble conversations. You text “V” instead of “Very.” You wear sneakers home from work. You love all things Bravo and you’ve shared five Real Housewives gifs today. You want a boyfriend but you kind of like the attention involved in not having a boyfriend. You’ll hook up and the guy will end it and you’ll blame it on guys being “fuckboys” and not the fact that the age at first marriage statistic has risen by four years and you just weren’t the match.
What Guys Think Of The App: We love it. It was started as a feminist app but it honestly made a guy’s life easier. We can swipe during every poop until we find a girl who will meet up late night. Since the girls have to message us, it cuts down the time from swipe to vagina. It’s a more willing buyer than digging through the haystack that is Tinder.
Why Guys Join: To have sex and worry about whether we like the person later.
Why You Should Join: If you want to have fun and have the mental ability to be casual, and I don’t mean that in the “I’m so low maintenance except I packed 10 bags for a weekend” type of way.
What Guys Think Of You: You’re not living in a major city, and if you are, you have a tattoo about a dead ex-boyfriend. You have sweatpants with something written on the butt. You call an elder aunt or uncle or grandparent, “Papi” or “Mami.” You also weirdly say “Papi” to your lovers. You just found out about rompers and you’re like, five years from finding out there’s a male version. You think avocado toast is just avocado on toast. You use the app from a phone that texts in green and you don’t understand why people would care.
What Guys Think Of The App: We are using it if we are in a town that Bumble options run out halfway through a poop. It’s great but it’s honestly too much. Thanks to our incredible ego, every match is an option and that either means too many dates or no dates at all since we are spinning too many plates.
Why Guys Join: To have sex with a stranger with a cursive tattoo whose could be part of a fun story to tell our friends.
Why You Should Join: If you want an STD.
What Guys Think Of You: You’ve “had it with dating apps.” You’re “done with the games.” You’re “sick of pen pals.” You’ve stood up at a recent brunch and gave a soliloquy on modern dating and the dangers swiping has on our brains. You didn’t even enjoy the pancakes you guys got that day. You’re a little older. A little wiser. Your last 30 tagged pictures are from weddings you were in. The last wedding you attended was a couple that met on Hinge. And that’s why you’re here.
What Guys Think Of The App: We are dealing with it. Sure, it’s nice to have more information. But there’s only so many likes in a day. So we aren’t just liking anything. There’s less girls to talk to so we have to be really sure about going out which means we are forced into liking the conversation.
Why Guys Join: Because they were spending too much time on Bumble and Hinge is like a Weight Watchers portion controlled bite of being out there.
Why You Should Join: You’ll find a guy that’s in less of a cum-filled rage.
What Guys Think Of You: You just broke up with your boyfriend or you’re currently in a fight or you’re on a bachelorette party.
What Guys Think Of The App: We like the idea of it. You can have things happen quickly. But we know it’s just too easy. An app that lets us meet someone we walked by and thought was hot? It’s like seeing a $20 in the woods. This has to be a trap.
Why Guys Join: They’re addicted to dating apps.
Why You Should Join: If it’s been so long since you’ve had sex that you’ve given your vibrator a name and tape it to your pillow to cuddle with afterwards.
Coffee Meets Bagel
What Guys Think Of You: Your mom really wants you to settle down. Your friends aren’t just all married but they’re pregnant. You’re hanging out with girls from work who are younger just so you can go out and they all call you their mom. Everything on Facebook annoys you and Instagram isn’t much fun either. You thought this was a app for Jews and honestly, you don’t even care what it is anymore as long as it works.
What Guys Think Of The App: We are dealing. It gives you so few girls that you really have to read each profile and do your due diligence. It’s fine and there are girls here but not many. We wish the conversations we had here happened more on other apps but that’s probably our fault.
Why Guys Join: To meet someone so that they stop having a sleepless night every time there’s an ingrown hair.
Why You Should Join: To find a boyfriend in the safest online way possible.
What Guys Think Of You: You’re living in a hipster part of town. You love telling people about your hipster part of town. Your parents still pay your rent. You work at a Starbucks but you tell people you work in the arts. You’re too cool for dating apps but you’re still here anyway.
What Guys Think Of The App: We love it because we get to talk badly about all the other people on apps while still being able to be on an app.
Why Guys Join: To have sex with a girl who can teach us about feminism.
Why You Should Join: If you like being the alpha dog in a relationship and you own one of those vagina hats from the marches.