Remember just yesterday, when we were telling you about Cardi B and Offset breaking up, and how it was surprising that it all happened so quickly. Well, love might still be dead, but today we have a lot more details, and boy is it a sh*tshow. Okay, so basically it all boils down to the fact that Offset allegedly cheated, which isn’t truly shocking. He’s cheated before, but I was hoping we’d moved on to a better place, full of love and light and no more feuds with Nicki Minaj. Oh, how very wrong I was.
Just to establish a timeline, Cardi B and Offset got married in September 2017. Then, Cardi gave birth to their daughter Kulture on July 10 of this year. Today, we’re talking about some newly leaked text messages, that were allegedly sent on June 28 of this year. In case you’re bad at math, that’s 12 days before Cardi B gave birth to Offset’s child. This man is really giving Tristan Thompson some competition for shadiest baby daddy of the year.
So let’s get to the actual texts. The conversation is between Offset and a woman named Summer Bunni (that’s on her birth certificate, I’m sure of it). In the texts, Offset says that he wants a threesome with Summer and a rapper named Cuban Doll. Are rappers these days are literally just using their AIM names from 2007? Whatever. Offset offers to fly Summer Bunni and Cuban Doll (their names sound like a cross between Care Bears and Bratz dolls) out to New Orleans to see him, but sadly Cuban Doll has to be at her own show in Milwaukee. It’s unclear whether this threesome ever took place, but it sounds like Summer Bunni did have some kind of affair with Offset. How do we know this? Of course, because she posted a notes app apology to her Instagram:
I’m not going to address this woman’s poor grammar, but I would like to applaud the caption “To whom it may concern.” This is immediately my favorite cover letter I’ve ever read. In addition to this truly inspirational apology, she also posted a video, in which she apologizes some more. The most iconic moment is when she claims she didn’t realize “how serious his marriage was,” which is one of the most baffling things anyone has ever said. It’s a marriage, not a Tinder date! The government has gotten involved in this relationship! I think there’s only one degree of “seriousness” for marriages, and it’s “existing.” Summer Bunni, you’re just my kind of crazy. She also insists she hasn’t been with Offset since Cardi B gave birth, because f*cking someone’s husband after they have a kid is just over the line. She’s got morals!
Summer Bunni says she hasn’t spoken to Cardi B, which is probably how it should stay. Cardi is obviously ten thousand levels above this rando chick, and I hope she just stays in her lane and focuses on moving on. This is probably the only time I’ll ever think about Summer Bunni, and I’m already tired of saying her ridiculous name so many times. Also, Offset, what the f*ck, man? You’re married to one of the funniest, most successful, sexiest women on the planet, and you really couldn’t keep it in your pants for one year? Thank u, next.
Images: @pillowtawkk / Instagram; @thesummerbunni / Instagram; TMZ / YouTube
Happy Sunday, and welcome back to the Cardi B Legal Drama Hour, which is apparently a recurring thing now. I can picture the Law & Order spinoff now. Well, today I’m not here to talk about the Cardi B and Nicki Minaj feud. We’ll put that one on the back burner for now, because there’s more pressing (and hilarious) information to deal with.
Let’s go back to the first Monday in May, the night of the Met Gala. While Anna Wintour was busy crowning Rihanna as the new Pope, Cardi B and Offset’s bodyguard was allegedly beating some dude up because he asked for an autograph. Or at least, that’s how it went down according to him. The guy’s name is Giovanni Arnold, and he’s now suing Cardi B and Offset, because duh. Giovanni’s attorney Daniel Szalkiewicz (we’ll just call him Daniel) filed the lawsuit on May 16. The thing is, filing the suit is only half the work. After that, you have 120 days to serve the defendant with their papers, and it has to be in person.
Here’s the problem: Daniel the lawyer says he can’t find Cardi B.
Are we being punk’d? Cardi B is a global superstar, who makes public appearances and is in paparazzi photos and is very active on social media. What do you mean, you can’t find her? In 120 days, you really couldn’t find her once? I literally watched her on the VMAs, so unless holograms have gotten really good, I know for a fact that she was at Radio City Music Hall that night. It’s just, like, not that hard?
Offset, on the other hand, was served with his papers, but that story is a sh*tshow too. A guy gave Offset the papers by shoving them in the window of his car, but a video shows Offset throwing the papers out the window onto the street. Clearly, Cardi and Offset are taking this lawsuit very seriously.
So now the 120 day window has expired, but Giovanni will probably try to get an extension. With some extra time, maybe someone will finally figure out how to find Cardi B, but I have a feeling that these clowns will just mess it up again. Honestly, this guy should probably just forget about the lawsuit, because I feel like Cardi B could be very persuasive in front of a judge. Case dismissed, okurrrrrr.
We all know that Cardi B don’t dance now, but that might just be because her feet are swollen and need a rest. There are new reports surfacing that the princess of hip hop, Cardi B is pregnant, according to sources at TMZ. Cardi made big news last fall when she got engaged to Migos member Offset, showing off a gigantic diamond, and they’re apparently wasting no time moving forward with their relationship.
Sources first started to surface with pregnancy news after the Super Bowl, when employees at the Maxim party were told that Cardi would not be drinking due to her being pregnant. For reference, the Maxim party had two VIP areas: one for athletes and other famous people, and one exclusively for Cardi and her entourage. She is such a fucking badass, please tell me how I can join this entourage.
Obviously, someone from the Maxim party couldn’t keep their big fucking mouth shut, and that leaves us with a TMZ report and a lot to think about. Will this derail Cardi’s quest for world domination? Are a Migo (is that the singular form?) and a former Love & Hip Hop star really ready to be parents? How can we get an invite to the Maxim Super Bowl party? Lots of questions here, that’s for sure.
We’ll admit, we’re starting to get a headache from all of this celeb pregnancy news, and we had hoped that Khloé Kardashian might be the last pregnancy for a while, but we’ll make an exception for Queen Cardi. Honestly, all these pregnancies are really messing with my brain, and I might need to adopt a child or something. Eh, that sounds like a lot of work, and I can barely even force myself to put on pants. But it is making me wonder: Is something in the air? Am I pregnant? Oh wait, I’m a guy. Still, though, I feel like you can never be too sure.
So whether Cardi B is pregnant or not, she’ll probably continue to take over the world and we’ll all just watch in awe. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go listen to “Bodak Yellow” about 100 times before I can go about the rest of my day.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)