It’s that time of year again, when work slows down and it’s dark for both your morning and afternoon commutes. A grim time, to be sure. But for most people, there’s one faintly glimmering ray of light: The office holiday party. Get dressed up in obnoxiously festive gear, enjoy some free booze and canapés, and you can almost, almost see your way clear to spring. Enjoy too much free booze, though, and you wind up with office holiday party disasters like these people. Someone posted a thread on AskReddit calling for everyone’s holiday party “shit show” stories, and friends, they do not disappoint. On the one hand these make me proud that I’ve reached a certain level of functioning adulthood, but on the other I wonder if I’m living life with the right amount of zeal.
The Panty Dropper
Swimming With Sharks
The Good Wife
Doin’ It Well
Booze Isn’t Always The Problem
The Hospitable Receptionist
The Last Hurrah
That’s enough for now. If you have any good office holiday party disasters, we always want to hear about them. Until then, stay safe this holiday season and don’t, uh, do literally any of the things you just read about!
I don’t mean to sound like the Grinch, but office holiday parties are the absolute worst. You have to work all day with these people, have three mental breakdowns in the bathroom (that may or may not be caused by these same coworkers), and then have to socialize with them? You have literally nothing in common with Karen from HR and you know she won’t shut up about her kids. Throw alcohol into the mix, and you’re playing a dangerous game. How do you drink just enough to tolerate Karen, but not so much that you’ll end up blurting out that nobody cares about little Jimmy’s baseball game? Not to mention, your invitation says “dress festively.” What the f*ck does that even mean? More importantly, how can you slut it up to catch the eye of the office hottie without getting reprimanded by your higher-ups? Not to worry, I have plenty of office holiday party outfits for you so that once when Karen stops yapping about how smart her 2-year-old is (doubt it) you can add in how inexpensive your dress is and how you plan on sleeping with Brett in accounting. Just kidding, maybe don’t mention that last part out loud to anyone except Brett in accounting.
’Tis the season to black out on Champagne and embarrass yourself in formal wear in front of your boss, colleagues, and that one guy with a man bun who works on your floor. Should be lit. That’s right, people, holiday party season is upon us, which means even though there are only three weeks until the end of the year, and I can barely find the motivation anymore to put pants on in the morning, I somehow have to show up dressed to impress, because Carol in HR has a personal vendetta against me and my leggings. Anyway, if there’s anything I’ve learned over the years, it’s that this is the one time of year where you can show up looking extra AF and no one will say shit about it because they think you’re just being festive. Blessings. So here’s all the ways you can look hotter than everyone else at this year’s holiday parties.
1. Rose Gold Everything
You know what they say: The best things in life
are free come in rose gold packaging, and holiday makeup is no fucking different. If you want to try out a beauty look that’s slightly different from the holiday norm, then go for a rose gold and bronze look. Smudge some shimmery rose gold shadow along your top and bottom lash lines before finishing it off with a fuckton of eyeliner for a more dramatic effect.
2. All That Glitters
Would it be the holidays if you didn’t have more glitter on your face and body than the floor of a Forever 21? Hell no. Normally, glitter beauty products are a look reserved for girls who want to piss off their daddies by going to Coachella with their weed dealers, but for the sake of the holidays, we’ll give you a pass. We’re v giving like that. That said, there’s a fine line between “festive” and “cry for help.” Try incorporating glitter into your eye makeup, because nothing says “I’m better than all of you” like glittery lids, which is literally all I can ask for when doing my makeup tbh. We suggest going for a glittery cat eye. It’s less extra and more festive.
3. Matte Red Lips
Bold, red lips are a basic, yet timeless look. And by “basic, yet timeless” I mean be prepared to see every other betch on your newsfeed rocking red lips with captions like, “meet me under the mistletoe” or “might be naughty, might be nice” for the next two to three weeks. We suggest using Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in Dragon Girl, because not only is the color highly pigmented but it’ll also outlast you at an open bar. Just saying.
4. Metallic Smoky Eyes
I never say no to a smoky eye, especially because when done right it makes you look bad AF. And also like you have the actual time and skill to pull off a smoky eye and not just something that kind of resembles a smoky eye but looks more like somebody punched you in the face. And isn’t that what the holidays are all about?
Perfection Feeling better than everyone else? Be sure to also add some metallic accents for extra edge.
Images: Malvestida Magazine / Unsplash; Instagram (4)