It’s that time of year again, when work slows down and it’s dark for both your morning and afternoon commutes. A grim time, to be sure. But for most people, there’s one faintly glimmering ray of light: The office holiday party. Get dressed up in obnoxiously festive gear, enjoy some free booze and canapés, and you can almost, almost see your way clear to spring. Enjoy too much free booze, though, and you wind up with office holiday party disasters like these people. Someone posted a thread on AskReddit calling for everyone’s holiday party “shit show” stories, and friends, they do not disappoint. On the one hand these make me proud that I’ve reached a certain level of functioning adulthood, but on the other I wonder if I’m living life with the right amount of zeal.
The Panty Dropper
Swimming With Sharks
The Good Wife
Doin’ It Well
Booze Isn’t Always The Problem
The Hospitable Receptionist
The Last Hurrah
That’s enough for now. If you have any good office holiday party disasters, we always want to hear about them. Until then, stay safe this holiday season and don’t, uh, do literally any of the things you just read about!
I don’t think I need to remind you that it’s the holiday season. This means you’re supposed to start thinking about buying gifts for other people, ugh. Worst part? It’s not just your family. You’ve got to get stuff for your friends, for your kind-of boyfriend, Secret Santa gifts for your coworkers… it’s all v stressful.
But if you’re on a personal quest to be crowned the nicest, coolest, fetchest person in the office, then it’s time to think about gifts for your coworkers. You don’t need to go balls to the wall, but these are people you likely spend the majority of your Monday through Friday with. Small gestures go far, and this could totally (maybe) pay off for you later.
Here are a few collective and individual gifts for your coworkers that say “hi, I’m cool and got you something cause I’m thoughtful” without coming off as creepy or desperate. You can thank us when that promotion comes through.
1. Coffee And Treats
Everyone loves coffee and treats when at the office. Diets don’t exist when you’re in that fluorescent-lit sixth circle of hell. Honestly though, if you’re looking to please EVERYONE in the office rather than buying a bunch of individual gifts, get things to eat and caffeine to drink. Wandering Bear makes a delicious peppermint cold brew (also regular and vanilla) that comes in individual boxes or a giant 96 oz. monster that can be delivered right to your office.You could also just stop at Dunkin’ or Krispy Kreme if people are more into the typical hot coffee (esp. great if it’s negative three degrees outside).
Pair with a few boxes of freshly made doughnuts OR get super fancy with it and order brownies (or bonbons) from this small mom-and-pop North Carolina shop, French Broad Chocolates or Harry & David if you’re fancy and into large corporations.
Wandering Bear Organic Cold Brew Coffee
2. Desktop Organizers
Is your work husband’s desk so disgusting it’s become a joke? Get him a “clean it up” gift basket with monitor wipes or mist, a desk organizer, and pocketbook on Feng Shui. It’s a win-win. You’re encouraging him to clean up his sh*t so he can be more organized and you don’t have to look at his crusty monitor anymore.
Joss & Main Camile Desk Organizer
3. Lip Balm And Hand Cream
If the folks in your office are anything like me, they’re constantly searching for hand cream and lip balm because of how
full of black mold dry the office is. Get some desk #necessities in the form of Nyakio lip balm, cuticle cream, Burt’s Bees, and the ALWAYS amazing Neutrogena Norwegian Formula Hand Cream. Make sure whatever products you pick are free of any color or glitter. If you do go this direction with your gifts, you won’t have to look at people’s nasty dry hands or lips anymore. Yay!
Nyakio Baobab Lip Balm
Plants are a wonderful gift if you feel that more oxygen in the office would truly benefit everyone and you’re confident that the plants won’t die within the first week of your recipients having them. Snake plants are a great option because they’re practically impossible to kill. Succulents are even better if the recipient is likely to forget about watering their new gift. Bonus points if you find something that incorporates plants into something functional, like a “smartphone valet” (whatever that is… do I need to tip it?).
Uncommon Goods Smartphone Valet and Planter
5. Cubicle Guest Book
If you don’t know where a coworker stands on caring for living things (or you work in a sad, windowless room), this cubicle guest book is a fun, cheap, and kind of universal option. It’s hilarious because, like, they have to interact with others and make them sign it with fun notes. We all know how awesome interacting with people can be in an office environment, don’t we?
Knock Knock Guest Book Cubicle
6. DIY Cookie Mix
Don’t feel like spending money or applying effort other than pouring ingredients into a Mason jar? Cool! Create a DIY brownie or cookie mix and slap on a cute tag tied with adorable ribbon. It’ll cost you next to nothing since you likely have sugar, flour, and whatever else in your pantry. Or, you can buy pre-done ones and say they’re your handiwork!
The Mason Jar Cookie Company Cookie Mix
7. Desk Games
Desktop golf, basketball, and other games are all great gifts for your coworkers, because they will help distract your everybody from doing real work while providing hours of entertainment. Your boss will probs hate it, but you’ll become an office legend.
Uncommon Goods Desktop Basketball
8. Dammit Dolls
This is perfect for that coworker who’s always shouting obscenities from their office or cubicle. These are stress relievers in the shape of tiny people that you can throw into walls, drive pins in to, choke, curse at, etc. They’re great for anyone looking to lessen their outbursts directed towards individual people. Now they can channel that very rage into an inanimate object. Healthy!
Paper Source Dammit Dolls
Images: rawpixel/Unsplash; Paper Source; Uncommon Goods (2) Amazon (5); Joss & Main; Ulta
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Office holiday parties are literally one of the worst parts of adulthood. You’re expected to look like you’re having a decent time without getting too drunk and ruining your own life. Sure, it was funny on The Office when Meredith got fucking hammered and stripped down for Michael in his office. But like, that was TV and you’ll get fired for that (see: the current sexual harassment reckoning), if you don’t die from embarrassment first. Anyway, I can’t do anything about how you’re going to act, but if you want to at least dress appropriately but still look kinda hot, here’s what to buy from Shopbop.
1. L’Agence Valetta Keyhole Dress
This dress is almost exactly what I’d envision any romantic comedy lead to wear to her holiday office party. It’s cute and has a little keyhole, but it’s not like, too much. Plus it’s pretty versatile, so it doesn’t have to be the dress that sits in your wardrobe forever because you wore it to a boring office party.
2. Shoshana Oliver Velvet Dress
Velvet is super in this season, so you really can’t go wrong with a velvet LBD. This has cutouts and cool sleeves, but is totally appropriate. Now if you get drunk and say something rude, you only have yourself to blame.
3. WAYF Bennet Shift Mini Dress
Sure, this has a high neck and long sleeves, but the sheer overlay with velvet floral details will save you from looking like you’re wearing a literal potato sack.
4. FRAME Velvet Slip Dress
This slip dress is a modest length, but it has slits to spice it up. Plus, it’s got a v-neck that’s high enough for cleavage without running the risk of a nip slip.
5. Mackage Paloma Dress
Leather can be super risky, but this is an office party-appropriate silhouette. There are also knit panels on the side to make it less intense, because nobody wants to look like they’re into BDSM around their coworkers. Especially in this political climate. Speaking of climate, those panels will prob help you sweat less, too. You’re welcs.
’Tis the season to black out on Champagne and embarrass yourself in formal wear in front of your boss, colleagues, and that one guy with a man bun who works on your floor. Should be lit. That’s right, people, holiday party season is upon us, which means even though there are only three weeks until the end of the year, and I can barely find the motivation anymore to put pants on in the morning, I somehow have to show up dressed to impress, because Carol in HR has a personal vendetta against me and my leggings. Anyway, if there’s anything I’ve learned over the years, it’s that this is the one time of year where you can show up looking extra AF and no one will say shit about it because they think you’re just being festive. Blessings. So here’s all the ways you can look hotter than everyone else at this year’s holiday parties.
1. Rose Gold Everything
You know what they say: The best things in life
are free come in rose gold packaging, and holiday makeup is no fucking different. If you want to try out a beauty look that’s slightly different from the holiday norm, then go for a rose gold and bronze look. Smudge some shimmery rose gold shadow along your top and bottom lash lines before finishing it off with a fuckton of eyeliner for a more dramatic effect.
2. All That Glitters
Would it be the holidays if you didn’t have more glitter on your face and body than the floor of a Forever 21? Hell no. Normally, glitter beauty products are a look reserved for girls who want to piss off their daddies by going to Coachella with their weed dealers, but for the sake of the holidays, we’ll give you a pass. We’re v giving like that. That said, there’s a fine line between “festive” and “cry for help.” Try incorporating glitter into your eye makeup, because nothing says “I’m better than all of you” like glittery lids, which is literally all I can ask for when doing my makeup tbh. We suggest going for a glittery cat eye. It’s less extra and more festive.
3. Matte Red Lips
Bold, red lips are a basic, yet timeless look. And by “basic, yet timeless” I mean be prepared to see every other betch on your newsfeed rocking red lips with captions like, “meet me under the mistletoe” or “might be naughty, might be nice” for the next two to three weeks. We suggest using Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in Dragon Girl, because not only is the color highly pigmented but it’ll also outlast you at an open bar. Just saying.
4. Metallic Smoky Eyes
I never say no to a smoky eye, especially because when done right it makes you look bad AF. And also like you have the actual time and skill to pull off a smoky eye and not just something that kind of resembles a smoky eye but looks more like somebody punched you in the face. And isn’t that what the holidays are all about?
Perfection Feeling better than everyone else? Be sure to also add some metallic accents for extra edge.
Images: Malvestida Magazine / Unsplash; Instagram (4)