It’s Halloween this week (though every civilized human celebrated it last weekend), and what’s scarier than not knowing your future? Here’s everything that you need to be on the lookout for astrologically this week, so you can focus on eating candy and getting too freaked out during your scary movie Netflix-and-chill sesh to actually hook up. Here are your weekly horoscopes for October 29-November 2.
You’re always in the mood to keep it real, but how real is too real? Like, did Kerry really need you to tell her that’s the ugliest effing skirt you’ve ever seen, or that her boyfriend has “small dick energy?” Probs not. Take a second to check yourself this week, Aries, and make sure your truth bombs are all ones that really need to be dropped.
Your desire to hang with people and your desire to never leave the house are at odds this week, Taurus, so why not combine them? Wednesday is literally Halloween, aka the perfect opportunity to invite a couple cool people over to watch scary movies, eat copious amounts of candy, and drink a little wine. Or drink copious amounts of wine and eat a little candy. Or have copious amounts of both. Do you.
There should be a national warning sent out about single Geminis this week, because you guys are going to be flirt machines. I mean, even more so than you usually are. Fire up the apps, Gemini, because this week you are charming, attractive, and (for some reason) down to make conversation with strangers. If you’re a Gemini in a relationship, now is a really good time to say all the sh*t you’ve been worried about these past few months, while your communication skills are still on point.
This week is all about self-care for you, Cancer. Honor the sudden urge to start a new diet, or try a new fitness class. You’re on a health and fitness kick that you’ll actually be motivated to see through, so don’t wait! Sign up for that 6am yoga class and then buy yourself a new pair of leggings as a reward for even entertaining the idea of a morning workout.
You’re having a style moment right now, Leo. You’re going to be looking and feeling great this week, with your creativity cranked all the way up to “Lady Gaga.” You’ll feel confident enough to try out some new outfit combos—maybe even a power clash—and you’ll pull them all off. Trust your gut, and be sure to use #OOTD on all your Instagrams. The world deserves to see these lewks.
You know that one friend from high school who you always see online and wish you’d kept in touch with? This is the week to call them. While going over five years of boyfriends and breakups and jobs and bullsh*t can seem overwhelming, this week you’re feeling chatty and communicative enough to take that on. Time to slide into your long lost friend’s DMs and set up that FaceTime date. They’ll be back in your life ASAP, and who doesn’t like having one more person to talk sh*t with?
I’ve got two words for you, Libra: Happy hour. This week, you are going to be feeling social every damn day, meaning you cannot wait until Friday to pop off. Nope. This is going to be one of those weeks where Monday through Thursday partying is on the table, and that means scoping out the best happy hours near your work place and lining up your partners in crime. Just remember to drink water. You still have to work in the morning.
This week is all about making that paper, Scorpio. You’ve got a lot of activity going on in your finances right now, and this is the week to sit down and figure it tf out. Take some time to sit down and look at your expenses. It might be hard to look at exactly how much you’ve spent on Starbucks this year, but it’s necessary if you want to ever go on that Bali vacation you’ve been dreaming about.
You’ve heard of “no new friends,” but have you heard of “wait actually, I probably do need some new friends”? This week you’ll be open to the possibility of maybe—potentially—adding someone new to your friend group. Pay attention to the girl across the bar rolling her eyes at the same rando’s conversation, or that chick you always see on your block with the amazing shoe collection. Either could end up being your new BFF or, at the very least, someone new you can text all day instead of working.
Okay Cap, you need to take a f*cking breather. You’re racing through sh*t at an insane pace right now, and there’s no way you’re going to keep up. Plus, there’s no way you haven’t made some p egregious errors in your haste. Take a moment. Take a breath. Do a meditation tape, and maybe go back through last week’s work with a fine-tooth comb. You’re bound to have missed something.
We’re one week away from an election, Aquarius, and your social justice-y ways are definitely going to be cranked up to the max. Figure out what you can do this week to feel useful. Maybe find a candidate or a cause that you’re into and do some phone banking for it? Dare I say, knock on some doors? You’ll burn off some of that excess election energy, and a few well-placed canvassing Insta stories will show the world you don’t just tweet about sh*t, you actually do sh*t. It’s a win-win.
Your ambition is through the roof this week, Pisces, meaning it’s time to pull out the old vision board and start making some lists. Identify a couple projects for the upcoming year that would make you really happy, whether it be snagging that promotion or finally re-doing your apartment. Whatever it is, take some time this week to outline how exactly you’ll make that happen, then execute. Just make sure the goal is specific and reasonable. Hate to break it to ya, but there’s no way for you to “become Ariana Grande.” It’s just…not possible.
Images Via Giphy (6)
It’s Halloween betches, and it’s time to get spooky AF. Netflix is adding to the festivities with the scariest TV shows and movies—’tis the season for sleeping with the lights on and double locking all your doors. There’s no better way to get in the spirit of Halloween than living in darkness with only your laptop screen as a light source. This is also the perfect excuse to ditch any and all Halloween related celebrations. More time for you to spend doing what you do best—sitting. Which BTW, can get pretty f*cking frightening. Just look into my dead, lifeless eyes wasting my life away because yes, it’s hour 30 and I am still here, Netflix.
‘Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’ – October 26
From the f*cked minds that brought you Riverdale comes another childhood ruining series. Sh*t gets dark and twisty when our girl Sabrina hits her 16th birthday. Unlike the stars of My Super Sweet Sixteen, Sab doesn’t get a party with a horse-drawn carriage entrance. Instead, she gets to choose between becoming a demon with her whole witch family or like, being a normal human. Sounds like one hell of a birthday to me!
‘The Haunting of Hill House’ – October 12
Haunted houses are nothing new for Halloween, but this one certainly takes the cake. Based on a 1959 novel by Shirley Jackson, this show takes us through the lives of the Crain family. Hugh and Liv Crain are parents to five kids living in Hill House, a home haunted by ghost-like creatures. The storyline bounces between the current lives of the family, struggling with the trauma from their past, and the stories of the creatures that haunted them. Good luck with this one, I got nightmares from the trailer alone.
‘Creeped Out’ – October 4
Netflix has this horror series rated as kid-friendly. IDK about you, but the ghost episode of Zoey 101 (The Curse of PCA, in case you’re wondering) was scary for me as a child (or maybe still now), so WTF is coming out of this that’s less terrifying? The series is an anthology, all narrated by a mysterious masked figure called “The Curious”. While every episode is different, there are some subtle links that bring the entire series together—and apparently, they’re creepy AF.
‘The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell’ – October 12
Netflix’s latest addition to their plethora of food series is like if Martha Stewart went goth (which I would low-key love to see). Christine McConnell is taking her Insta fame out of the ‘Gram and onto the laptop screen with her own baking show. Known for her creepy cakes and f*cking terrifying photos, the author of Deceptive Desserts shows us all what she does best: making treats that look too scary to eat. That’s one way to trick yourself into a diet.
‘Haunted’ – October 19
Have you ever seen a ghost? And before you try me, no, bugging out when you’re high and seeing your dead dog doesn’t count. This series is about everyday humans experiencing paranormal or supernatural events that still haunt them. Brought to you by the executive producers of The Purge franchise and Lore, this series is sure to make you overanalyze every movement of the wind and flicker of the lights.
‘The Shining’ – October 1
Creepy twins, sketchy hotels, and metaphors—oh my! ‘The Shining’ is a classic sh*t-your-pants horror film, but IDK what’s scarier about this movie: the ax murderer or the film students who analyze every breath Jack Nicholson takes. You decide. If you haven’t seen this movie, it’s based on Stephen King’s 1977 novel of the same title and is probably one of the creepiest films in existence. Would recommend watching this with friends, and then, probably having them guard your bathroom door while you shower.
‘Malevolent’ – October 5
A brother-sister duo decides an excellent business plan is to scam people who are grieving by pretending they know how to talk to the dead. This movie is like what would happen if the Long Island Medium turned out to be a fake. Sh*t gets weird when they go for a reading at an orphanage (red flag one) where a murder took place (red flag two). Basically, the ghosts were like “you want to talk with us B*TCH? Well, now you get to. For eternity.” But I’m sure it’s a lot scarier than that.
‘Apostle’ – October 12
An ex-priest returns to his long-lost daddy’s house to find out that his sister has been kidnapped by a religious cult *gasp*. Turns out, this cult likes to sacrifice people and drill into heads—so some really fun party games here—so obvs ex-priest has to go try and save his sister. The cult is on a remote island, so this movie is for sure full of that type of horror where you scream and no one can hear you. Apparently, this movie is really gory featuring some sh*t swimming, arm cutting, and human meat grinding. Perhaps watch this one on an empty stomach.
‘Truth or Dare’ – October 3
This isn’t your average slumber party. A legit psychopath kidnaps four teens while they’re chilling in Mexico to make them play a dark-ass version of truth or dare. Every time a truth or dare presents itself, everyone’s faces get super warped and they start to look like a freaky Snapchat filter. There’s also a big risk in not doing said tasks—you could die. So the stakes are high, people. The tasks range from breaking someone’s hand to coming out to the grand finale: killing people. This whole thing seems like a lose-lose situation.
Do you love scary sh*t like crime, cults, conspiracy theories? We’re launching Not Another True Crime podcast on October 1! Follow us on Instagram at @natcpod for details.
Images: Giphy (3); Unsplash/Victoria Heath