August 5th is the 15th anniversary of the most important television show of all time: The O.C. The show premiered 15 years ago, so f*ck, we’re old. So here’s our take on what our favorite degenerates would be up to rn. We did it partially for #content, partially because we want a reboot since those are all the rage, and mostly because we want Mischa Barton to stop living off of unemployment checks because our girl needs a job.
Summer eventually went back to Brown after touring the country to encourage college kids to vote. She also got kicked out again for protesting Meat Mansion, a bro house at Brown that actually exists, for hosting offensively themed parties and getting the SWAT team called for getting too rowdy with it. Oh well. She ended up going on a vision quest with a Shaman in Peru that was life-changing—so life-changing that she decided to start her own lifestyle brand, à la Gwyneth Paltrow. While testing out a two month cleanse for her lifestyle site, she cut out Adderall and ended up growing six inches taller. Not bad considering Adderall is the only reason she got into Brown in the first place…
Oliver eventually got out of Betty Ford. His parents bought him admission to St. Paul’s, an elite boarding school in New England that literally requires a giant paycheck as an application. He then went on to Harvard, which requires a 2.5 GPA at St Paul’s and another giant paycheck for admission. He studied government and went on to join the Trump administration. He spent enough time on the creepy underbelly of the internet to know to invest in bitcoin and is an active participant in incel Reddit. He now is the proud owner of Bentley’s very first van that is totally not for kidnapping unsuspecting women. He lovingly calls it the “ski lodge” because of all the cocaine that’s done there and has a “Saturdays Are For The Boys” flag as its only decoration because, like I said, he’s an incel.
Kaitlyn ended up taking a “gap year” or three after graduating from Harbor because she was involved in the 2010 Bling Ring. She swindled her way out of jail time because she sold out Alexis Neiers, who was so strung out that she didn’t even do anything. Kaitlyn got probation as a plea bargain. Too edgy for California, Kaitlyn went off to Gallatin at NYU. Obviously, since it’s Gallatin, she didn’t go with the intention to study anything. She went to hang out with Cat Marnell and her friends. She ended up being the inspiration for the book White Girl Problems, but that didn’t even amount to any royalties for her. She never ended up graduating from NYU. Her only claim to fame is that she was the one that wrote that deluded Refinery29 money diaries article, and would like to thank Bullett for subsidizing her lavish lifestyle.
Marissa ended up faking her own death—for the attention, of course. She, too, ended up moving to NYC to attend Parsons for some amorphous degree that really doesn’t have any value. While at Parsons, she interned at lifestyle website Guest of a Guest, where she’d attend New York Fashion Week parties, club openings, and galas. She ended up becoming editor-in-Cheif of one of those lifestyle websites for trust fund babies. But she delegated all of her duties to Cat Marnell wannabes, debutantes, and aspiring social media influencers while she yacht hops and travels around Europe with whatever sugar daddy she meets at NYC society events. Word is she and Serena van der Woodsen are starting a sweater line together.
Unlike Summer, Seth finished his degree in Rhode Island. He remained faithful to her the entire time. Except for that one time he got stoned, crashed a party at Meat Mansion, and ate an entire tray of sushi off of the human sushi platter the guys hired from Providence College. Seth and Summer moved to Silicon Valley to be near his parents. He helped Luke Carmichael start a dating app to date cougars.
Sandy and Kirsten
Sandy and Kirsten got bored with Berkley, because college students make any town suck after a while. So, they moved back to Orange County to pursue two of Sandy’s biggest passions: restaurants and eyebrows. With thicc eyebrows being in again, Sandy became Instagram famous and started his own eyebrow consultation business. He also started that restaurant that Caleb took away from him again. Andy Cohen stopped by while visiting a boy toy in the area and loved the restaurant. He also loved Sandy’s full eyebrows, luscious locks, and sassy attitude, and thought he would make an amazing male Lisa Vanderpump. So now Sandy Cohen and Kirsten have a Vanderpump Rules style reality show. So sad for a guy who was always hell-bent on never selling out, but come on, how could he not when his family and he always brought the drama?
Julie Cooper Nichol-nearly Cooper-almost Roberts-nearly Atwood-or-Bullett ended up not marrying Bullet (because he sucked) or Ryan’s dad (because that was creepy and also he sucked). She graduated from college with a degree in marketing because that’s what party girls get as degrees usually. She went to Seth to start a dating app for cougars, but as it turned out, Luke already started that app with Seth. It obviously led to a few dalliances with Luke, because as Buddha once said, “Once the d*ck enters any of your holes, it is very easy for it to re-enter.” (Okay, Lala Kent from Pump Rules said that). While in Silicon Valley visiting Luke, she met her dearest husband, who is some sort of tech billionaire. They moved to Monterey, where Julie made such an impression on the community that she will have a character based off of her in the next season of Big Little Lies.
Ryan Attwood created a really successful real estate company where they built everything from low-income housing to offices to McMansions for the elite. He left to start a charity called “White Knights Anonymous,” which is when an affluent white chick with a coke problem and daddy issues presses a button whenever she’s in the slightest amount of trouble that she got herself into so that a former member of Seal Team 6 or Rumble boxing instructor can punch out their perpetrator while screaming “Welcome to the O.C., b*tch.” These volunteers are completely anonymous and when asked, “Who are you?” they are contractually obligated to answer, “Whoever you want me to be.” And if this leads to sex in a lifeguard shack, so be it. Ryan spends his free time taking care of his foster son and brooding.
Images: Giphy (4)
A couple weeks ago, we broke the earth shattering news that Vicki Gunvalson, the OG from the OC, was reportedly getting fired from Real Housewives of Orange County because 1) she’s not friends with anyone on the show anymore, and it’s weird just watching her be alone in her kitchen, and 2) she pitched a fit about not sitting next to Andy at a WWHL taping, and the peeps at Bravo weren’t fucking having it. Lol, it’s the little things, people. Well, there hasn’t been an official announcement yet, and don’t expect one, because the season isn’t over, and Bravo doesn’t make cast change announcements until after the last reunion has aired. The rules of housewife firing are simple and finite; every Bravo girl would know. But we have something better than a boring PC official statement. Meghan King Edmonds, Vicki’s fellow OC wife, has come out saying she hopes Vicki actually gets fired. Oh fuck, shit’s about to get serious.
In a recent interview, Meghan was talking the standard housewife shit about Vicki and said how Vicki never liked her and was always “nasty” to her from the get-go, yada yada yada. But then, in a petty af turn, said, ‘‘’You’re out!’ If only I could say that… ‘Vicki, you are out. Bye! No more lies. See ya!’” Was she joking? I mean, probs. But most of the time when I joke around, I actually fucking mean it. Or else I wouldn’t have thought it in the first place. Obviously.
Normally, this kind of thing would just die down, maybe get a salty response from Vicki on Radar Online, nothing maj. But Vicki and Meghan have been subtweeting the shit out of each other—actually, scratch that. They’re mentioning each other by name, so they’re full-out beefing on Twitter.
Now things might actually get interesting, because they’re filming the reunion today. Something I’m truly thrilled about, just FYI. And you can bet your betchy ass that Andy will bring this shit up to try and stir the pot to create some form of drama on this otherwise boring af season. Get the popcorn and rosé ready.
Later this week—so like, tomorrow—Andy Cohen is heading out to OC to film the reunion for Real Housewives of Orange County. Normally, this makes me sad, because it means the season is almost over, but in this case, I’m stoked, because this year has truly sucked. I have no more fucks to give about whether or not Vicki and Tamra will be friends and whether or not Lydia will mention her husband’s balls again. I just can’t. I’m also happy about the end of this season, because it makes room for the real queens of Cali aka the Bev Hills wives. Fucking duh. Also, total side note, but where tf is the trailer for that, Andy?! It’s almost November, for fuck’s sake. But anyway, in honor of the upcoming finale in OC, we’ve ranked all of this season’s wives by betchiness. Tbh, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, because all of these women are hella busted. But I did my due diligence.
7. Vicki Gunvalson
Tbh, Vicki probs falls at the bottom of the list for housewives across all cities of all time. There. I said it. BE BOLD! She cries about not having friends, she doesn’t own her shit when she’s a dick to people, she dated a dude who faked cancer, and, like, complained to a child about how mean the girls are to her at his parents’ anniversary party. You’re fucking 60. Who does that? She owns her own business, which is cool and all, but she never shuts up about it, because she secretly wishes she could shop and lunch and exercise all day and still be rich af like all her friends.
6. Shannon Beador
Poor Shannon… This has really not been her year. Her husband is back to being a little fuckboy, and she’s put on some weight, and while it’s super not betchy, literally every single person can relate. Who can say she’s never had a fuckboy treat her like shit and followed that pain up with a Papa John’s binge session? No one. Unless you’re a fucking liar. And while I feel for Shan, I really do, she’s got to stop complaining and fucking do something about it. Tell your loser husband to suck it and head to SoulCycle. Brb, making that my Twitter bio.
5. Lydia McLaughlin
In full disclosure, I think Lydia is the fucking worst. But as a non-biased professional journalist, even I have to admit she has some betchy qualities. She and her husband own a magazine, which is cool, and she has amazing mermaid hair, but that’s it. She’s a nice girl, which y’all know I can’t fucking stand, and she doesn’t like belly dancers or drag queens. Wtf is dis bish doing on a Bravo show? Like, isn’t there something on the Hallmark Channel you could audition for? Plus, anyone whose tagline is “If you can’t take my sparkle then stay off my rainbow” is not a betch.
4. Peggy Sulahian
I also can’t with Peggy. Her talking about sports cars all the time and shit… Like, no one fucking cares. But she and her fam appear to be really rich, and she’s really pretty and thin, which are all super betchy qualities, so she finds herself somewhere in the middle of the pack. Plus, there was that whole scandal where she apparently wouldn’t let her brother come to their dad’s funeral because he’s gay, which would make her a mega-bigot asshole, but now she’s come out saying that’s not true, and she loves the LBGTQ community and other shit I’m not sure if I believe, but innocent until proven guilty I suppose. I’m sure Andy will give her shit at the reunion about it either way.
3. Kelly Dodd
I feel like a bunch of y’all are gonna lose your shit at me over this, but this is my list, so IDGAF. Hear me out. Sure, she’s a BSCB who, like, calls people cunts in the middle of family-friendly restaurants. But she also calls people out on their shit, which I can appreciate. You act like a snobby bitch at a party? Prepare for your deepest secret to be outed on national television. You try and get her tequila wasted and make an ass of herself in Ireland? Prepare to die on a bus. Maybe y’all should all just stop being assholes. What a concept.
2. Meghan King Edmonds
Meghan is the only housewife on this show who is even remotely normal. Like, we could maybe hang out. Maybe. She’s not a total nice girl, but also doesn’t totally suck either, which is kinda of refreshing given the rest of the cast is like the meanest group of women alive. She’s married to a ex-pro athlete, and her kitchen island is #goals. Sorry, I’m in my mid-20s, and that kind of shit is important to me now. Sue me. She’s also really skinny even though she gave birth like 5 seconds ago, which is something I truly admire.
1. Tamra Judge
Last year, Tamra was getting ready for a fitness competition, meaning she was in the running for my least favorite person on Bravo. People who won’t shut up about diet and exercise are my legit archnemeses. But anyway, this season she’s still working out and shit, but she doesn’t talk about it that much, thank god. She’s friends with most everyone in the group, except Vicki of course, but the OG from the OC is practically begging to be in her good graces again, so Tamra is the new HBIC. Congrats, girl.