3 Terrifying Pieces Of Anti-Woman Legislation You Need To Know About Right Now

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When I mention your body’s biggest enemy, you probably have something that came immediately to mind: your thighs, your arms, the pimple you got from dropping kettle corn into your mouth/all over your face so you could eat without sitting up for normal adult reasons. Or maybe you thought of the parade of fuckboys last few bros you banged who confirmed for you that some people just weren’t built to interact with the female body. This second guess is closer to what I’m actually talking about, because it similarly concerns a group of largely white men (if you’d like to fight me on your sexual history, feel free, I’m just taking a guess) who have no business with women’s bodies, and yet can’t leave them the fuck alone. Those people are called YOUR GOVERNMENT. (Mic drop, I am political.)

In all honesty, I probably don’t have a single friend who would describe me as political; I don’t even feel like I ignore the news on purpose, it just kind of floats past me, like everything that was ever said in a high school history class. But because I’m a selfish bitch I care about my readers very much, when I hear about bullshit new measures that will negatively affect my body both on a daily basis and in times of need, I am going to listen the fuck up and urge you all to do the same. Here’s a rundown of the three scariest pieces of legislation aimed to limit women’s choices right now—and for those of you with any remaining doubts that I really do not usually care/write about politics, please know that I literally just Googled the word “legislation” to make sure I was using it correctly. Feels good.

Kevin The Office

1. Remember When Obama Made Your Boss Pay for Your Birth Control? Yeah, That’s Over.

In a continued bid to out-evil Satan, Trump made a fun little announcement last Friday: He’s shut down the Obama-era law requiring most employers to cover co-pay-free birth control, an amazing measure we definitely all took completely for granted. Now, in the nation of Gilead Trump’s America, employers will be able to cite “religious or moral objection” to covering birth control, and BAM: You can no longer afford brunch, because that budget has been re-allocated to your “not getting pregnant” fund. Oh, and regardless of your birth control type, this shit is not cheap: My employer insurance had a fun two-week blackout last month and I was charged $200 for a 30-day supply of my GENERIC birth control pill. So don’t even try to come at me with that “just pay out of pocket, mer mer mer, women want everything for free” shit, TYLER.

Proposed Solution: If there is a guy you are regularly having sex with, and your birth control coverage is affected, ask him to pay for half. I know this doesn’t effect change on a policy level, but as a group, can women please stop accepting sole financial responsibility for preventing pregnancy? If the guy you’re fucking starts whining about the cost, just tell him there’s a 100% free alternative: You can stop having sex with him, forever.

Insecure

2. 20 Weeks Pregnant? Cool, You’re Having a Baby Now.

Though this isn’t yet in immediate effect like the above measure, a bill recently passed through the House of Representatives criminalizing abortion after 20 weeks of pregnancy. Never mind the fact that if our government hates abortions so much, they probably shouldn’t have repealed the access to free birth control, which conveniently yielded lower abortion rates than we had in 1973, when abortion was made legal nation-wide. Never mind the disgustingly insulting title for this bill of “Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act,” which would perhaps have been more aptly titled “Pain-Capable and Very Much Born Adult Woman Punishment Act.” In this case, let’s focus on the fact that one of the bill’s co-sponsors, Tim Murphy of Pennsylvania, was literally texting his mistress to GET AN ABORTION while passing this bill through the House. Everything about this bill (and its relation to less-available birth control) is so alarmingly nonsensical that I’m almost ready to start buying into lizard-person theories. Given the one season I watched of House of Cards, I feel like “handling” a mistress’ pregnancy is basically a rite of passage for most politicians—so why are they so fucking intent on making sure those abortions need to be illegal and unsafe? It’s definitely not a conspiracy to have more women die during the procedure, rendering them unable to talk about the affair, right? Wait…right?

Pepe Silvia

3. A Special-Edition Coverage Slash For Pre-Pregnant, Pregnant, And Post-Pregnant Women

This bad boy, otherwise known as the Graham-Cassidy bill, is luckily having a lot of trouble getting passed, so there’s chance you won’t actually have to deal with this specifically. Which is good because I JUST spent two hours of my Monday at a Planned Parenthood phone bank defeating this nightmare of a bill that keeps popping back up like a zombie Whack-A-Mole, can I live for one week?? But honestly, every proposed healthcare reform bill this garbage-monster administration has spewed out has been pretty similarly shitty, so expect comparable measures if they manage to get anything through. This particular bill has gone ahead and banned women on Medicaid from visiting Planned Parenthood (straight up, I do not know what Medicaid is, but oh my god just allow women access to appropriate healthcare, our bodies are more complicated than yours and we fucking need it). Also, it’s restricted abortion coverage and maternity care in the same bill, so really (unless you’re a politician’s mistress!), these people would like to ensure that you get pregnant, stay pregnant, and bear the emotional, physical, and financial burden of that pregnancy all on your own. Just like how you got pregnant all on your own, without the help of any second party. Right.

Liz Lemon

Basically, the only common thread of these new measures is that our government doesn’t give a shit about you or your body. There’s no ideological or economic background that makes any sense, much like when Dean started motorboating D-Lo in the pool, thus jeopardizing his supposed “deep emotional connection” with Kristina, and the lucrative fandom love that could have launched a thousand Instagram sponsorships. So, I encourage you to start thinking about our government the way you think about the fuckboys we deal with on a daily basis: Until they shape the fuck up, we’ll be heavily looking into alternative options. You don’t let fuckboys tell you what to do with your body, so let’s get them out of these government positions where they can literally charge you for going against their dumbass ideas on what your body has access to.

Read: The 5 Biggest Fuckboys In Congress Right Now
 

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 3x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain everything that’s going on in terms you can understand. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

 
Here’s How You Can Stop ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ From Becoming Our Reality

HEALTHCARE #SUPDATE

Remember that whole health care bill thing that happened a while back? How it was like, really bad but the House still passed it and then everyone was like, “Oh well the Senate won’t pass it!” Well the Senate is passing it. Silently. And soon. Like, before the July 4th recess soon. And the shadiness does not stop there. Republicans are literally not showing us what is in the bill. You wouldn’t let a fuckboy refuse to show you who he’s been texting all night, so why would you let your own Senators refuse to show you what’s in a bill that restructures ⅙ of the economy and could through twenty million people off of their health insurance?

Last night Democrats in the Senate held the floor in an attempt to bring this bill out into the open, but the bottom line is that Republicans DGAF unless these actions are accompanied by immense pressure from their constituents. That’s where you come in.

Here’s What You Can Do:

1. Call your senators. I know that calling people on the phone sucks, but if Rachel could talk to Whaboom for two episodes, you can talk to your Senator’s intern for two seconds. Use the Indivisible Guide’s script so you know what to say, and it’s literally just reading. You know how to read. You’re reading this right now.

2. If you want to pack an extra punch, call your senator’s health care staffer directly. You’ll more than likely be sent to a voicemail box. It’s wayyy easier than talking to a real human, and your message is going to get directly to the person handling this issue. If you live in NV, AK, ME, OH, WV, AZ or CO, you could literally make a difference (and then spend the rest of your life bragging about said difference to everyone you meet). 

3. If calling someone is just not possible for you—maybe you’re a mermaid who sold your voice to a witch in exchange for a boyfriend—text ‘Resist’ to 504-09 and Resistbot will walk you through how to contact your Senator via text. Then start blowing them up like they’re your ex and you’re blackout drunk. 

Depressed af reading about this news? Sames, but watch our hilarious video below for a little bit of comic relief #LaughingThroughThePain

 

 

 

And if all of this is literally news to you, like yesterday you told your sister “The Senate can’t just pass a health care bill in secret and my senators won’t do anything about it” (speaking for a friend…) then you REALLY need to sign up for The ‘Sup, our thrice weekly newsletter. We break down WTF is happening in politics in a way that’s funny and relatable so shit like this doesn’t catch you by surprise. So sign up so you can like, realize stuff. Not to be dramatic, but the fate of our country kinda depends on it. Sign up below!

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Everything You Need To Know About The Obamacare Replacement, Explained In Gifs

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After seven years of near constant bitching from the right, the Obamacare replacement is finally here and it’s…extra. As in, “extra shitty to poor people.” The new proposal is called the American Health Care (creative) and is basically a Paul Ryan wet dream that is boring AF to read. Like, seriously, we do not need 100+ pages of legalese to let us know that you don’t want poor people to be able to go to the doctor. We know that shit already. It’s pretty fucking obvious. So if you, like basically anyone with a life, do not have time to parse through Paul Ryan’s tax cut erotica, then lucky you because Betches is here to explain to you all the ways in which the GOP are going to totally fuck up your healthcare. You’re welcome. And what better way to explain the extremely complex and nuanced American healthcare system than with constantly looping images from your favorite movies and reality TV shows. That’s right—GIFs!

Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying.

Nick Viall crying

According to Paul “I Will Never Live Down The Fitness Photoshoot I Did In 2012 No Matter How Much I Try To Distract You By Taking Healthcare Away” Ryan, The American Health Care Act will “drive down costs, encourage competition, and give every American access to quality, affordable health insurance.”

Okay. Well that sounds good. But is it like…true?

nicki minaj hell no

I mean, of course it’s not fucking true. According to the Congressional Budget Office, the Ryan plan would lead to “lost coverage for millions and higher costs for millions more.” Because having millions of uninsured Americans without access to adequate health services without Obamacare, is wayyyyy better than having millions of insured Americans going to the doctor regularly under Obamacare.

The bill also defunds Planned Parenthood, because of course it does. The proposal would make it illegal for federal funding, either directly or indirectly through Medicaid, to go to a healthcare organization that “provides for abortions” other than those done in the case of rape, incest, or to save the life of the mother. While the bill never actually says “Planned Parenthood” by name, the whole thing is basically one long subtweet against the organization. It’s like, guys Planned Parenthood totally knows you’re talking about them. No need to be fake about it. 

kim kardashian so shady

The bill also basically shuts down private health insurance from covering abortions, meaning that you better start asking all your one night stands to Venmo you half the price of an abobo before you even think about hooking up because your health insurance is not going to be able to help you if shit goes south.

rihanna BBHMM

The bill also repeals the individual and employer mandates stating that every American must have health insurance. This means that individuals can drop their coverage right now, which, according to Aetna’s chairman Mark Bertolini, would send the market into a “death spiral” in which healthy customers would drop their coverage, leaving sick people who need insurance to pay ever-increasing rates.

scott pilgrim prepare to die

The AHCA also repeals the essential benefits rule, which stated that health plans must provide hospitalization, mental health services, maternity coverage and other benefits. These benefits would now be decided on a state by state basis. Meaning that women who live in the liberal bubble (aka NYC) would probably get to keep their maternity leave coverage, while people who live somewhere random, like Delaware, might be SOL.

wayne's world i'm in delaware

And if you’re thinking, “Well none of this applies to me because i’m young AF and never gonna die,” think again because the bill also replaces income-based premiums with age-based subsidies, meaning that you will be paying more to go to the doctor the younger (and hotter) you are.

full house how rude

And just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, the bill also kills the Medicaid expansion, and all Obamacare related taxes.

TLDR: The rich are getting a $346 billion dollar tax cut over the next ten years, and the poor will literally all be dead by then, which is kind of what the GOP has always wanted anyway.

archer win win

Like I said at the beginning, if we weren’t laughing at funny GIFs, we’d be crying at the skyrocketing price of Mee-maw’s annual hip replacement.

More bad news: Trump Will Let Planned Parenthood Keep Its Funding Under One Shitty Condition
All The Sh*t Trump Has Done In His First Week & How It Affects Your Life

Congrats fam, we officially made it through week one in Trump’s America. Barely. There’s been a lot going on this week, most of it horrifying and awful. Let’s outline the most important things, because there’s a lot to keep track of. For more news delivered straight to your inbox three times a week, sign up for The ‘Sup.

MEXICO

Guacamole

President Trump has wasted no time getting to work on the Mexico border wall, one of his most consistent campaign promises. He’s still adamant about Mexico paying for the wall, even though the Mexican president is like “fuck no” and even canceled a meeting with Trump.

On Thursday, the White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer (he’s a mess and a half) said that the President was considering a 20% tax on imports to pay for the wall. This received immediate backlash from literally everyone (Republicans included), because it would likely raise prices for American consumers and would also be a violation of NAFTA. Not so good. So now they’re not so sure about the tax, but this all boils down to the same point: MEXICO ISN’T PAYING FOR THAT FUCKING WALL. Also, do not fucking come for my tequila and guacamole.

MUSLIMS

This Is Bad

During his campaign, Trump talked endlessly about a “Muslim ban” that is probably not actually constitutional at all. Last week, he announced plans to block immigration from seven countries with majority Muslim populations. But don’t worry, it’s not a total Muslim ban. Of course, Trump was careful to exclude the countries he has personal business ties with. This includes Saudi Arabia, even though the majority of the 9/11 terrorists were Saudi. Sounds fair.

Of course, Syria is one of the countries on the list, because God forbid we help some refugees. Trump still says he’ll “absolutely do safe zones in Syria,” but he hasn’t made it a priority to talk about how that might actually happen (hint: it won’t). Protests erupted at JFK and other major airports around the country this weekend when we learned this ban was already being put into effect (that was fast) and those with valid documentation, including green-card holders, were being detained. Trump’s bullshit executive order received another blow Saturday night when a judge in New York granted an emergency stay, temporarily halting the deportation of those being detained. Also, the ACLU is suing him. Sorry Donald, I guess the president can’t just do whatever the fuck he wants. Maybe you should have like…looked that up before taking the job?

VOTER FRAUD

Vote

While Trump has spent his first week in office dealing with some major issues, he’s also spent a disturbing amount of time on one of our least pressing issues: popularity and voter fraud. Of course, there’s the clear lie that his inauguration was the most watched ever, but we’re not here to talk about Kellyanne “Lying Ass” Conway and alternative facts.

Trump’s new favorite thing to talk about is voter fraud. He maintains that there were millions of illegal votes cast in the election last November, even though there is literally zero evidence to support this, and HE WON THE FUCKING ELECTION. Basically, his ego can’t handle the fact that he lost the popular vote, so all those extra Hillary votes must have been cast by dead people and illegal immigrants. He’s now promised a “major investigation” into voter fraud, so that should be fun and not at all a waste of time and taxpayer money.

One of his favorite things to bring up is that people are registered to vote in more than one state, which is actually perfectly legal, provided you don’t vote twice. He should really try talking to his daughter Tiffany, who herself is registered in two states. But let’s be real, Tiffany probably doesn’t even have his real phone number.

ABORTION

Women's Rights

We hope you all got IUDs before the inauguration, because the next four years are basically going to be a war on your reproductive system. Early last week, Trump reinstated something first done by Ronald Reagan called the Global Gag Order. It’s about as fun as it sounds. Basically, if any organization uses any money to perform or even provide information about abortions, they won’t get any funding from the United States government. This has been standard practice for every Republican president, but Trump has broadened the focus to include any government assistance, not just from the State Department.

This executive order could have a major impact around the world on women’s ability to access safe healthcare and reproductive care. It’s not just about abortions—these organizations will lose funding altogether. To add insult to injury, Trump signed the order surrounded by a half-dozen white men and (you guessed it) zero women. Buckle up ladies, shit’s gonna get rough.

SCIENCE

Bill Nye The Science Guy

It’s looking more and more like this presidency will also wage a war on science and knowledge. This is tremendously disturbing, and it doesn’t seem like it’s getting better. Government Twitter accounts for the Department of Agriculture and the National Parks Service have been ordered to stop tweeting factual information about things like climate change, and some Twitter accounts have been completely shut down.

In one of the better things to happen this week, real MVPs the National Parks, NASA, and more than a dozen agencies have started rogue Twitter accounts, determined to spread truth. Keep fucking shit up, we need people like you.

Last week, Trump also ordered the Environmental Protection Agency to stop giving grants, because like, why protect the environment anyway? What’s the point? It’s not like we all live here, on this planet. The freeze was lifted later in the week, but the fact that it happened in the first place could be a troubling sign of things to come.

THINGS TO COME

Screwed

We’re just getting started. The Affordable Care Act will be repealed any day now, so go to the doctor while you still can, and who the hell knows what will happen with that border wall? All fun things. Stay strong Betches, we’ll get through this. Maybe. Honestly we’re not even sure anymore.

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