As someone who’s braved the streets of New York for several years now (someone please buy me a medal), I can confidently say that living in New York certainly has its perks. Like, waking up every morning to the smell of fresh garbage and urine or slowly losing the will to live one MTA train delay at a time. Also, I guess we have some good bars too. How else are we to cope with 50 percent of our paychecks going to 20 feet of cubic space in an apartment in the shittiest part of Brooklyn than by drinking our sorrows away with $11 Bud Lights? The city! It’s magical here! If you can imagine, not all bars are as great as I just made them out to be. While some bars have hot AF clientele (re: hot husband material, beautiful douchebags, generally attractive humans), other bars have bigger red flags than my Hinge suggested matches. Luckily for you betches, my standard for bars pretty much begins and ends at “is it open?” So here’s a list of all the trashiest NYC bars you should f*cking run from should anyone suggest it. Learn from my mistakes. I’m super giving like this.
Hair Of The Dog
Location: East Village
Biggest Red Flag: That it’s patrons think it’s socially acceptable to dry hump ON THE FLOOR
I literally wish I made this up. I’m telling you rn the things I have seen at this hedonistic den of sin cannot be unseen. This establishment is what the kids these days call a “trap house” disguised as college sports bar. Located in the East Village, it doesn’t matter what time of day you show up at at this place, you can always find at least one person vomiting in the bathroom sink and/or belligerently dry-humping in the corner. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I’ve seen a couple start hooking up by the beer pong table, topple over onto the floor AND CONTINUE HOOKING UP. Look, am I saying I don’t frequently hang out at this establishment? I am not. But I
like to sabotage my life and happiness can never say no to a place that sells $12 pitchers. We all have our crosses to bear!
Biggest Red Flag: The line for the bathroom
The Woods is fine during the day, but at night this chill hangout spot gets sketchy AF. Like, watch your drink sketchy AF. The crowd shifts from Brooklynites searching for some sliver of outdoor space to people who think that visiting a bar in Williamsburg will up their street cred. Think: the place where frat bros come after they’ve been kicked out of every bar in Manhattan… before midnight, and girls who think it’s “edgy” to drink ciders. If you like to get propositioned with coke in line for the bathroom then you’ll probs love this place, but if you like drinking literally anywhere else in an environment that’s not filled with literal sea creatures, then maybe try someplace else. Idk.
Location: Greenwich Village
Biggest Red Flag: That there’s a stripper pole in the middle of the bar
Where do I effing begin with this place? First of all, Greenwich Village is one of my favorite areas in the city, and the fact that this establishment dare bring A PIRATE THEME to this otherwise chic AF environment is a crime against humanity. Yes, you heard me right, this bar is entirely pirate themed. And while that in itself should be a reason for no human with working eyes and ears to ever step foot in this abomination, there’s actually even more disturbing sh*t that happens here. Like the fact that there’s karaoke and A STRIPPER POLE in the middle of the goddamn building. There’s also beer pong in the back! You know, in case you didn’t already humiliate yourself enough with your belligerent rendition of “Baby Got Back” while using the stripper pole as a prop to showcase your immeasurable talents. So, what I’m saying is, I guess there’s something for everyone here.
^^ actual footage of things I’ve seen go down at this bar
Location: Midtown East
Biggest Red Flag: Its patrons
I generally try and stay below 34th street, because upper Manhattan is about as easily accessible from my Brooklyn apartment as the Moon. That said, every once in a while I’m forced into going out in that area by my one friend who’s always telling me how “fun” midtown is and how all the “hot guys” frequent those bars. First of all, I’ve never felt so betrayed in my life than when I showed up to her beloved Turtle Bay only to be surrounded by what can only described as a mix between a 30-year-old frat bro and a Jersey Shore club extra. (I must have come on a good night, because any other night it’s literally just college kids with fakes.) These are the kinds of dudes who show up at happy hour and immediately start pounding shots of Jäger before they have to catch the last train back to Jersey. Charming. If you’re into meat heads, then by all means
ruin your life hang out at this bar. The free happy hours you can “win” (by just showing up one time and being female) are tempting, but just be aware that there was a recent stabbing—STABBING!—at this cesspool of an establishment earlier in the summer. Literally the NY Post agrees with us on this one—please just stay away.
Images: @mdisc /Unsplash.com; Giphy (2)
There comes a point in every betch’s life when she realizes she needs to stop acting like a serial Bachelor contestant and get serious about not dying alone. That point will typically occur immediately after she gives her phone number to a guy who turns to her and says, “We went out four years ago. Do you not remember…?”
At this point, there is only one solution: join Hinge, where, rumor has it, the men are legitimately excited to hold your hand in public (if you’re into that kinda thing…) and say, “Isn’t this psychopath adorable? Back off. I’m the only one who gets to buy her vodka sodas.”
Before reaching that level of commitment, though, it’s necessary to do a bit of dating around. Below are the six Hinge dates every NYC betch will experience before landing The One.
1. The SoulCycle Date With A Recovered Fuckboy
This recovered fuckboy spent the better part of his twenties working in finance and tearing through every dating app. His hobbies include binge drinking in a Patagonia vest and talking about how he makes his money “work for him.”
Now that he is 32 and his fuckboy squad has started marrying girls with names like Caroline and Margot, he has no choice but to look for someone who will move to a Boston suburb with him and raise children legitimately excited to have a lacrosse net in their backyard.
The best way to find the woman who transitions effortlessly from Manhattan vodka soda connoisseur to Wellesley room mom is to take her on a SoulCycle date. This date accomplishes three things:
1. He is able to soberly assess her athletic prowess and stamina … wink.
2. He is able to get his workout in—a non-negotiable for a washed-up college athlete trying to stave off dad bod.
3. As someone who has slept with over 7,000 women, he is well aware of how good this date idea will make him look to her friends.
“He took me to SoulCycle, that obvi means he’s marriage-ready,” you will gush to your bffs over brunch, as if spending $38 (plus a Smart Water) on you is equivalent to proposing at the Eiffel Tower.
2. Craft Cocktails With The Creative Director
At some point along your Hinge journey, you will encounter a Harry Styles lookalike who will out-cool you on every level, to the point that you will just be like, “LOL actually this relationship can’t continue. I don’t think you understand I bought my IKEA couch on Craigslist and consider Taylor Swift a mentor.” (For shame.)
Everything about this guy will make you question where you went wrong in your life. The Creative Director will meet you at a bar you’ve never heard of, mainly because it has no address, no phone number, and no name. Weeks later, when you’ll try to go back to the bar with your friends, you’ll find it never existed.
Some combination of the following will occur as the bartender whisks a bald eagle egg white into your drink:
1. You will find out he is an investor in this bar, and several others in parts of Brooklyn you’ve never heard of.
2. A celebrity with a rumored drug problem will walk in.
3. You will try to pay, but as it turns out, this bar operates on a “members only” credit system, which is kept track of with a giant leather book and a feather dipped in ink.
After a few whirlwind dates, where you casually meet “his boy Rocky” (yes, A$AP), your relationship will implode under your crippling self-doubt. When you see him on Getty Images with a long-lost Hadid a few weeks later, you’ll tell yourself you could have never gotten serious with such a big hipster anyway.
3. The All-Nighter With The Australian Who Is Actually The Happiest Person Alive
One little-known fact about NYC is that there is a large population of extremely attractive Australian men with more joie de vivre than Richard Simmons. These guys have knowledge of every fun trapping this city has to offer, mainly because Australians in the US are sponsored by their home country and don’t have to actually work while they’re here.
A first Hinge date with The Australian usually starts out normal enough: drinks at a chill but trendy bar. Very quickly though, it will become apparent that just because it’s Tuesday doesn’t mean it’s not an occasion to “get weird.” Australian guys love to get weird.
Planned on being home by 10? HA. By 10, you’re in a private karaoke room…with a group of German tourists. By midnight, you’ve crossed the Canadian border. By 4am, you’re having a hot sauce chugging contest, and by 6am he’s convinced you getting married would be fun. Right now.
You will stumble into work in the same clothes you wore yesterday wondering how the hell you’ve lived your entire life in such a state of lameness but also vowing to never ever do this again.
The only drawback? You have to text with him on WhatsApp.
4. Sunday Afternoon Cornhole With The Startup Bro
Note: Sunday Afternoon Cornhole With the Startup Bro will be the closest to competing on a Nickelodeon game show you will reach in adulthood. Consider wearing goggles, knee pads, and elbow guards.
If you’re unsure whether or not you’re on a date with The Startup Bro, here is a helpful checklist. Does your date:
-Use the phrase “company culture” when discussing his workplace?
-Act surprised when you tell him your glasses are from somewhere other than Warby Parker? (He didn’t realize other places make glasses.)
-Reference a TED Talk more than twice?
-Live anywhere in Brooklyn?
If you can answer “yes” to three or more of these questions, you are definitely on a date with a startup bro.
As for the actual date—well, I hope you enjoy fratty drinking games, because Startup Bro has the activity tastes of a 19-year-old. Prepare yourself and your liver for the following:
-Flip Cup with his “work team”
-Cornhole (the Holy Grail of startup bro games)
-A multitude of random trivia questions (not a physical challenge, but a mental one. Startup Bros require a 150% effort in all areas, at all times)
5. The Epic Date With A Rich Divorced Guy
This dude owns a townhouse on the Upper East Side, attended two Ivy Leagues, and hasn’t dated since like, the 1800s. As such, he is clueless about modern dating and believes he has to spend lots of money and demonstrate genuine respect in order for you to respond to his texts. As he should. Little does he know his competition is a 31-year-old Penn State grad whose idea of chivalry is not bringing you to the same bar he brought his last dating app thot.
Your first date will be something casual, like front row seats to Billy Joel at MSG followed by dinner at Eleven Madison Park, because that’s how things were done when he was dating his ex-wife 950 years ago. When you ask how he even heard of Hinge considering he remembers black-and-white TV, he will tell you an associate at the hedge fund he founded suggested it. By this point, you are already mentally redecorating his townhouse.
The date will end with a civilized kiss, after which he’ll order you an Uber black car. The next day he will call (not text) to set up your subsequent date: a movie (what is this, the 50’s???), followed by dinner at a quaint UES pizza restaurant where every patron is over 50.
Things with Rich Divorced Guy will go one of two ways: either you will trick him into marrying you and become an overnight billionaire, or you will out yourself as an imposter at one of his black tie charity events by asking for a shot of Fireball.
Your call. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
6. The Perfect Date at the “Nice But Not Too Nice” Bar With Your Future Husband
There is a 99.9% chance Your Future Husband will tell you to meet him at a vaguely Irish bar with a name that follows this pattern: “Article, Quirky Adjective, Random Noun.” So, if a Hinge guy suggests meeting at a place with a name like The Flickering Light Bulb, he could be The One.
By some miracle, you will arrive early for this date. “Cool,” you’ll think. “I will bide my time in the bathroom applying a 20th coat of lip gloss and texting my group chat about how much I wish I was at home watching 90 Day Fiance.”
But—hold on—he is already sitting there. And even though he’s sitting, you can tell he’s actually taller than advertised on his profile. *Mentally picks out wedding dress*
“Future Husband?” you say. He immediately gets up and goes in for the hug. You feel dainty and cute in his presence, and not like the sarcastic, spastic fuck you normally are.
“What can I get you to drink?” he asks. You tell him vodka soda with lime (duh), but the bartender is nowhere to be seen.
Under normal circumstances, this would be cause for panic…but because this is your Future Husband, you forget you don’t even have a drink, and before you know it, you’re discussing in-depth hypotheticals, like the pros and cons of betting $1 on The Price is Right.
Pretty soon it’s 10…and then 11…and before you know it, you and Future Husband are walking hand in hand towards your apartment.
“I had so much fun,” he says, going in for a polite, non-hookup kiss. “Let’s do this again.”
You will fall into bed, giddy and slightly drunk, then Google stalk the shit out of him until you fall asleep.