It is wedding season, or, as we like to call it here at Betches, roasting weddings season. You guys know our feelings on brunch weddings, Planet Fitness weddings, and don’t even get us started on weddings without open bars (should be illegal), but we have not yet had to address the now pressing issue of people who want to get married on a public bus. Yep, you heard right. Two people, Osvaldo Jimenez and Kara Mullins, got married on a public bus, and now we are honor bound to roast them. Sorry Osvaldo and Kara, but you brought this upon yourself. Congrats on the nuptials tho…
So first of all, we should examine why someone would choose to get married on a New York City bus and not an elegant yacht or barn or a fancy old house or one of the many non-bus options that are available to couples in 2017. Basically, it’s because they met on a bus. Okay.
Before you go saying that shit is cute, take every seat. My boyfriend and I met at a dive bar called The Commodore in Bushwick. Am I getting married at a dive bar called The Commodore in Bushwick? Fuck no! I’m getting married in a castle like a normal goddamn person. (IDK how much it costs to get married in a castle, but we’re going to make it happen.)
For those of you out here who are not familiar with the MTA or the New York City public bus system in general, let me tell you point blank: A public bus is a terrible place to be for any amount of time, let alone for the duration of your wedding. The things I have seen go down on a New York City public bus would make your hair stand on end, and I’m not talking about overly gushy custom vows. (Those things include, but are not limited to: a guy jerking off and subsequently getting kicked off the bus, a woman eating noodles, and a bus driver who refused to stop at multiple designated stops and kept all the passengers hostage for a brief period of time.) Honestly, the only variety of bus it would ever be acceptable to get married on is the Magic School Bus, and from what I’ve heard that shit is booked solid for the next 3-4 years.
Do you really want to get married in the exact location where just 12 hours earlier a homeless guy shit his pants? Really? Is that romance to you?
According to People, the ceremony took place on alate night M14D bus and had 80 attendees. So not only did they have their wedding on a New York City bus, they had their wedding on a crowded New York City bus which, if you have not experienced it, is a singular hell on this Earth. And I don’t even need to tell you that this bus was not equipped with an open bar (again, should be illegal), so the guests couldn’t even be drunk for the experience.
Lastly, wtf happened to other people who literally needed to use the bus? Imagine waiting 15 minutes, mentally preparing for a late night NYC bus ride, only to be told you can’t get on because a pair of hipsters need to hold their wedding ceremony on it? Then you have to wait for God knows how long to get on another bus, all because two people wanted their wedding pics to go viral (a noble goal, but still, rude). I’d be truly so pissed. And just imagine if you were the bus driver? Here you are, just trying to finish out your route, and suddenly you’re underdressed for a wedding. IDK how much bus drivers are paid, but they are definitely not paid enough for that shit. No fucking way.
So readers, I implore you, don’t be fucking cute with your wedding. Get married in a place that can comfortably house people and doesn’t disrupt strangers’ commutes. And for the love of God, get an open bar. Your guests will thank you.