Hi everyone! I’m a straight dude who The Betches feel is probably a lot like the guy you’re texting/hooking up with. So they’ve been asking me questions in search of straightforward, honest answers that the guy you’re seeing probably won’t be able to give. I’ve broken down the dating apps, one piece bathing suits, and job titles. So grab that phone, go take a poop (don’t worry, I won’t tell) and enjoy The Betches’ next question of the male mind…
What guys think of the # of guys you’ve slept with: I was thinking you could break this up into number ranges. Like, 0, 1-5, 5-10, etc.
This one is difficult. Because it’s kind of an old question. I’m over here licking butt (@jaredfreid on Instagram, ladies…) so who am I to judge some girl’s number? It’s old because our parents can’t really advise us. The average age at first marriage in the United States has risen by like, four years in the past two decades. That means people are getting married four years later than they did in 1997. That’s a big gap our parents never had to deal with. Were we supposed to not have sex those four years? Were we supposed to ignore the fact that sex is everywhere? Were we supposed to not notice how awesome butts have gotten?! So, while you might not be able to rationalize the number to your high school sweetheart parents, don’t assume that’s the same for a guy.
One more thing before a women’s march erupts over virgin shaming or slut shaming or whatever. Guys only really care about a girl’s number as much as she cares. So if you’re a girl who’s been with one guy and that makes you self-conscious, then we’re going to be self-conscious with you. If you’ve been with 100 guys and get angry when that’s revealed and a guy asks a few questions, then we’re going to assume that there’s more upsetting you than just the number. It’s kind of like licking a butt (which I’ve done on occasion after first drinks @jaredfreid)—if you’re ok with it, we’re generally happy that you’re happy.
Ah, the virgin. Our feelings about virgins have a lot to do with the male ego. Which is pretty huge, considering many men go out on a Saturday night wearing cargos and expect to get laid. There are many rational reasons for you to be a virgin. You dated a guy for a long time expecting him to be the first, you broke up before it could happen, and you weren’t just going to waste it on another guy who smelled like fireball and called you dude. Now you’re just waiting on someone to give any form of commitment to swipe that v-card and that’s asking way more than anyone could have expected during this hookup era we’re all living in. Even given that pretty rational scenario, every guy thinks that having sex with you is a contractual obligation to be the love of your life. Our moms told us we looked nice in a suit and now we’re going to think you’ll be looking into your future husband’s eyes thinking, “If only that guy who had sex through the pee hole in his underwear would have committed.” This isn’t fair. But girls get to wear dresses to work in the summer. We all have our things.
There’s an ex-boyfriend that you can’t really get away from. That may be his fault, or your fault, or maybe a combination of both of your faults (most likely). But this guy is the reason you’re half-living your twenties. He’s a distraction. Sure, you’ve been with other guys, but those happened via some sort of stroke of luck. Usually you’re at the bar, face in your phone, wondering why “Ben keeps texting.” Well, Ben is afraid of being alone, too. So he keeps going back to someone who half-makes-him-happy so that he doesn’t have to get turned down by someone who might fully make him happy. You guys are a lot alike, which is why you keep coming back to one another. If a guy hears the numbers 1-5 we know there’s still someone else and he’s stuck to you like gum on a sneaker.
I call this the PR range. Like, if a girl got up at a podium and gave a press conference about herself and a male reporter stood up asking about her numbers and her answer was eight, all the reporters would move on. No further questions. They’d all turn to one another and give a nod of agreement that you had a bachelor’s degree in sexual experience. You’ve blown a guy, you’ve had good sex, you’ve had bad sex, you’ve smelled some things. A girls in this range isn’t preferable to the other girls, there’s just less questions.
There’s a point in every relationship where the guy looks at the girl and asks, “Ever thought of doing something new?” And she says, “Sometimes.” And they go back and forth not telling each other what’s really on their minds and they end up having missionary again. Every guys wants to lose a little bit of control in the bedroom and that’s the fun part about the 10-20 girl. We assume she’s coming in with “user settings.” She’s an iPhone with the brightness set specifically and the apps organized to her liking and she knows exactly what will turn her on and off. This is comforting to guys. We sadly ask if we made you cum because we want to be the one who made you climax. This girl knows the password and isn’t afraid to give cheat codes.
Every guy wants a virgin who’s good with her tongue, and guess what? That doesn’t exist. If you’re in this range, no guy honestly cares. He’s happy for the same reason the guy dating the 10-20 girl is happy—you probably have taste and predilections and that direction is comforting. Just don’t get weird when we ask why you recognized three different guys who looked exactly alike at brunch. Be open, own it, and I’m sure he’ll believe you when you say he looks better than them in a suit.