5 Women Explain Exactly What Having A Threesome Is Like IRL

There are a lot of major firsts in a person’s life, from their first big job to their first real relationship (…to the first time they got fired from said real job and dumped from said real relationship). And while yes, careers and partners are important, the bigger—and dare I say, much more fun to talk about—milestones stem from sex. I don’t know about you, but when my friends tell stories about their careers or the person they’ve been married to for five years, my eyes glaze over. But when it’s about that wild hookup they had in college? I’m all ears, taking notes. And my all-time favorite hookup stories are always ones that involve an extra person. Enter: the not-so-mythical threesome.

Now, ICYMI, threesomes aren’t exactly as taboo as Gossip Girl once made them seem. In fact, lots of people are having them. People who like, have pets and partners and houseplants. And because I think threesomes are our future (six hands and three tongues? Come on, now), I decided to chat with five millennials who’ve been there, done that. In some of the hottest email exchanges of my life, these folks agreed to reveal all the dirty details surrounding getting it on with two people at once. And because these stories are so scandy, we’re keeping the sources anonymous. We don’t want to pull a Dan Humphrey and ruin anyone’s lives because their sexy secrets got spilled to the internet, ya feel?

But don’t worry, you don’t need the real names to understand why threesomes are so scorching. From who was involved to what, exactly, went down, here’s what a ménage à trois is actually like, according to women who’ve managed to check this act off their bucket lists.

How Old Are You?

Person 1: 28

Person 2: 26

Person 3: 31

Person 4: 30

Person 5: 33

And How Old Were You When You Had Your First Threesome?

Person 1: 19

Person 2: 20

Person 3: 25

Person 4: 29

Person 5: 28

Who Was Involved In This Very Special First Threesome?

Person 1: I was “the other woman” in a threesome with my manager from work and his girlfriend.

Person 2: It was with my boyfriend of five years and one of my female friends from college who was willing to experiment.

Person 3: I was the third with my male-female couple friends. We were also all co-workers, oops!

Person 4: My boyfriend and I had been together about a year when we first tried a threesome. We met another man on an app called 3Fun that’s meant for people looking for kink-friendly sexual partners for all different arrangements. (It’s similar to dating apps where you make a profile with your interests and swipe on people.) To be honest, finding a single man looking for a no-strings-attached MFM threesome was much easier than I thought. Finding a single woman who was interested was way harder. 

Person 5: I met a Welsh rugby team while traveling solo through Europe. I was staying in the same hotel as them and had a threesome with two teammates who were sharing a room. I had hooked up with one of them the night before.

And Uh, Whose Idea Was It?

Person 1: Lol, probably my manager’s.

Person 2: I think it was mostly thought up between me and the other girl, and my boyfriend was into it.

Person 3: It was the couple’s idea. Not sure which of them, but I have a hunch it was the woman’s.

Person 4: It was always a fantasy for my boyfriend and I, since neither of us had done it before.

Person 5: It kind of came about organically. We were all drunk… When I went to their hotel room, they decided to push the beds together and it just kinda happened.

Did You Do Any Planning/Research Ahead Of Time?

Person 1: Nope.

Person 2: No.

Person 3: None at all.

Person 4: Tons. We researched things we should talk about (before and after), common boundaries, safety tips, etc. We talked to our third person for a while beforehand, and my boyfriend and I came up with a secret safe word in case one of us wanted to stop.

Person 5: No lol. We locked eyes at a bar and the rest is history.

Where Did It All Go Down?

Person 1: HIS PARENTS’ HOUSE.

Person 2: The other girl’s apartment.

Person 3: It started in their apartment pool before we went to their bedroom.

Person 4: My boyfriend and I’s apartment.

Person 5: In their hotel room.

Alright, Now Walk Us Through The Act

Person 1: First, he made us dinner, and then we had a few drinks. I’m pretty sure it was her first time as well, so she and I pretty much just focused on each other. The guy was just kinda… there. 

Person 2: I was having a girls’ night with three other friends in college. I was fairly close to my boyfriend’s place, so I walked there afterward. Drunk me had been tossing around the idea of having a threesome with this other girl for a while, so I texted her and she was down. My boyfriend and I then walked to her apartment, and on the way, I set some very loose expectations. It was good at first, but then at some point, I was left out watching my boyfriend have sex with my friend. I don’t fully remember how I got myself back in or how it ended, but he and I walked back to his apartment after. It wasn’t great. Like, at all. 

Person 3: We’d had a big summer night out in Austin, the kind you can have at 25—bar hopping, lots of alcohol, maybe some cocaine—and we wanted to keep partying after the bars closed (imagine). We went back to their apartment pool, and the woman waded over to me and started touching me. They were both telling me I was hot, and we all started making out. We went back up to their apartment and did the deed for what seemed like at least an hour. It’s kind of a blur honestly, but it was never awkward or a tangled mess of limbs. In my head, it went pretty smoothly.

Person 4: Our third came over, and we immediately smoked a blunt to relax. To kick things off we sat on the couch—me in the middle—and they both just started touching me and kissing me. We were all a little nervous at first, but after a few minutes we just kind of vibed together. After a little foreplay, we moved to the bedroom. Without getting into too much detail, we tried a few different positions so everyone was always included. We hung out for a little bit, had a drink, smoked a bit more, and just talked about totally normal stuff. He peaced out before my boyfriend and I went to sleep. 

Person 5: We laid down in the two pushed-together beds with me in the middle. The guy I liked from the night before started kissing me while his friend—who was laying behind me—began moving his hands up and down my body. We all stopped at one point and started giggling like “Wtf is going on” before we just kind of went with it. None of us had done this before, and I remember them kissing each other once, but the focus was definitely on me and my pleasure.

Did Anything Go Wrong?

Person 1: Not really. The girl left for work, and so my manager and I had sex. It turns out that was a no-no.

Person 2: I felt left out watching my boyfriend have sex with my friend. My self-esteem plummeted.

Person 3: Nah. I thought it was funny the woman took the time to shave in between being in the pool and going to bed because I didn’t mind the hair at all. It was not so funny when the couple broke up later, and I heard the boyfriend thought it was my fault. Like, what did I do?! Sorry your girlfriend liked me better?

Person 4: Our third was a little too rough for me in the beginning. But I mentioned this to my boyfriend, and he asked the third to tone it down, which he immediately respected. Other than that, we did have to take a quick water break at one point, which was kinda strange. 

Person 5: The guy I was most interested in (and the one I had been with the night before) ended up not being able to stay hard long enough, so he ended up tapping out and going to bed while his friend and I continued on.

What Was The Best Part?

Person 1: The orgasm. And I kinda felt invincible since it wasn’t MY relationship.

Person 2: The build-up and it getting started, not to mention being with a woman for the first time.

Person 3: When the boyfriend had to leave for work the next morning, the woman was like, “So, wanna try just you and me?” That surprised me, and I like surprises. So we did, and it was hot. That was my first time being with a woman.

Person 4: Once we got over our initial nervousness, we all connected and just kinda vibed. The foreplay started and it was exciting to be with someone new, but also to be sharing the experience with my boyfriend. Plus, we all orgasmed, so that was a major win.

Person 5: Honestly just the fact that this was happening in the first place. I was a virgin until I was 23, and I used to be really selective about my partners. Jumping into something like this was very surreal for me, but also super empowering. I really felt awesome before, during, and after. Tbh I still have a sense of pride and am just awed that it happened.

And The Worst Part?

Person 1: I cannot eat pussy. It’s just not for me. 

Person 2: Realizing my relationship was not ready for a threesome. Plus, my boyfriend couldn’t make me orgasm even when it was just the two of us, so I didn’t get off. 

Person 3: I was seeing a different guy at the time (non-exclusively), and I stupidly told him about the threesome. He was pissed, which I found extremely boring of him.

Person 4: I felt a little awkward when it was all over. We put our clothes back on and hung out for a little bit, but I just wanted to be close with my boyfriend at that point.

Person 5: There was only one condom. Woof.

What Was The Best Position?

Person 1: I was sitting on the guy’s face, facing the other girl was riding the guy’s *ahem* appendage?

Person 2: I can’t remember!

Person 3: I was on top of the guy, and the woman was behind me feeling me up and watching us have sex. Wait, was that good for everyone or just mostly me?

Person 4: Definitely doggy style.

Person 5: I just like, laid on my back while one guy focused on my top half and the other on my bottom half. Literal goals.

Are You All Still Friends?

Person 1: We’re all married with kids now, but we’re still friends on social media.

Person 2: I broke up with him about a year later, and she and I don’t talk anymore (mostly for another unrelated reason, but the threesome didn’t help).

Person 3: The woman and I stayed friends for quite a while. In fact, after she and the guy broke up, she and I had sex one more time. We weren’t a good fit, but it was never awkward or weird between us after that. In fact, I went to her wedding (to a different guy) years later. They’ve since moved away, but we’re still friendly.

Person 4: No, we lost contact after he moved away.

Person 5: I was never “friends” with them, and I haven’t seen or spoken to them since!

Have You Had Any Other Threesomes Since?

Person 1: I had like, three threesomes total with that same couple. Other than that, it’s only been like, making out or PG-13 touching with other couples.

Person 2: No.

Person 3: Nope! My fiancé and I are theoretically interested in having one with another woman, but we’ve never tried to make it happen. I either get too nervous to approach a woman, or I worry I’ll get jealous, or worse, he’ll get jealous and it’ll become an issue for our relationship.

Person 4: We had two threesomes with the same partner.

Person 5: Nah, once was enough for me.

What Do People Get Wrong About Threesomes?

Person 1: Being like, “I’LL NEVER LET ANOTHER WOMAN TOUCH MY MAN.” You’d be surprised how great it is. Hell, it might even help y’all’s sex life.

Person 2:  That it’s just about two girls making out. There are THREE people (hence the name), and clear expectations of what is and is not allowed should be set.

Person 3: That it’s going to be awkward or hard to figure out.  I think when you’re confident and secure in yourself, and you clearly communicate, you can have fun without it being weird.

Person 4: That the people having them are some kind of weirdos. We’re totally normal people in a healthy relationship. We’re just very *sexual* normal people who enjoy trying new things and being open.

Person 5: That they’re dirty or gross (which is kind of how I always thought of them). That’s definitely not the case.

Finally, What’s Your Best Threesome Tip?

Person 1: Have a cocktail, watch some videos, and always be the other woman. There’s literally no pressure then.

Person 2: If you are going to do it with your significant other, have a serious and sober conversation about it to make sure you are both ready. Also, I would personally never do it with a friend again.

Person 3: Be the third and then get outta there.

Person 4: Threesomes require major communication and trust. My boyfriend and I talked about our fears, desires, boundaries, expectations, etc. before we ever met with someone else. We also promised each other that if at any point one of us was uncomfortable, we could call it off and support one another. It’s also super important to check in afterward. Talk about what you liked (or didn’t like), if you’d do it again, and how you feel. Finally, make sure to respect your third—they’re a person seeking pleasure too!

Person 5: Stay confident and sure of yourself. You’ve got this.

Image: Irina Efremova / Stocksy.com

What’s With All The Dicks On TV Lately?

According to the Chinese zodiac, 2022 is the year of the tiger, but, based on the current trend of penises on TV, it’s looking more like the year of the one-eyed snake. Seriously. If you want to see an on-screen peen, you don’t have to look too hard. Pardon my French, but what’s with all the dicks?

First, there’s Euphoria, everybody’s favorite high school dramedy, which seems to relish its ability to let the dongs out. Season 1 brought us that locker room scene, complete with plenty of dicks flopping about in the background. This year, season 2 (finally) came out, and for anyone hoping for a barrage of male genitalia, you won’t be disappointed. There are plenty of penises—including one seen dangling over an open toilet during a mid-house party dump and another that’s been bloodied and mangled. If you ask me, that’s the most unrealistic part of Euphoria. I went to high school for four years, but I didn’t see nearly as many wieners.

In the recent Sex and the City reboot, And Just Like That, two penises were shown in a single episode. That might not seem too shocking for a show about sex, but when you consider that not a single dick made an appearance over the course of Sex and the City’s original six-season run, it kind of is.   

Not to be outdone, Hulu’s 2022 series Pam and Tommy featured a talking penis. (You read that right, the cock in question spoke.) And in HBO Max’s new comedy, Minx, the pilot episode alone had a whopping 20 dicks (yes, I counted. For, uh, research.)

Other recent shows with full-frontal men include White Lotus, Sex Education, Scenes from a Marriage, and Sex/Life. While the continued rise of streaming services (which don’t have to cater to FCC regulations) is partially responsible for this sudden influx of dick, it’s not just TV serving up steamy penis scenes. Movies like Don’t Look Up, Nightmare Alley, The Worst Person in the World, and The Power of the Dog had fully nude men on screen. Although both Don’t Look Up and The Power of the Dog had limited theatrical runs before being released on Netflix, the willies weren’t censored for the cinema. 

Seeing a dick on the big screen isn’t exactly new; back in 2014, Ben Affleck showed (part) of his peen in Gone Girl, and the internet promptly lost its goddamn mind. It’s worth noting that the film also featured a topless Emily Ratajkowski, but that split-second side shot of Matt Damon’s other half (and his other half) was far more titillating for moviegoers.

Affleck wasn’t the first actor to let his pecker loose for a role (see both Forgetting Sarah Marshall and The Hangover), nor was he the first major movie star to whip it out (see Richard Gere in 1980’s American Gigolo.) But it was still a rare enough occurrence that it garnered a mass amount of attention.

Over the last five years, the on-screen peen has steadily increased in popularity. Which begs the real question: why? Are they simply there for shock value? Or are they intended as a way to even the playing field? Is showing a dick on TV a feminist statement of sorts in this post-#MeToo world? What exactly are these penises (talking or otherwise) saying?

Whether or not this advent of mainstream male nudity signals gender equality in Hollywood is beside the point. Because what actually matters is whether or not tit-for-tat is equal. Sadly, the answer is typically no.

For one thing, when men flash their dicks on screen, more often than not, it’s a prosthetic. With the exception of Lily James in Pam and Tommy, this is rarely the case for women. When an actress goes topless in a movie, the audience probably sees her real breasts.

People tend to give one of two arguments as justification for this disparity—that boobs aren’t the equivalent to male genitalia, or that penis size is more personal to men than breast size is to women. Neither is particularly compelling.

Sure, in terms of reproduction and biology, boobs aren’t the same as penises. But considering that the vagina is internal, I’d say breasts are a fair comparison. Not to mention that the list of female actresses who’ve gone full-frontal in a film far outweighs the list of male actors.

As for the argument that it’s more embarrassing for a man to have a small willy than for a woman to have itty bittys, I’m not buying it. Personally, I know plenty of men who are quite proud of their packages, but I have yet to meet a single woman who is genuinely happy with how she looks naked. And besides, why are we so willing to accommodate the possible embarrassment of male actors while dismissing the comfort level of actresses?

Women are expected to bare their real breasts if a script calls for it, whereas if a man goes fully nude on screen, sans prosthesis, he’s lauded for his bravery. Countless articles have already been written about Bradley Cooper’s decision to bare all for his latest endeavor, Nightmare Alley. Oscar Issac and his lack of a prosthetic penis went viral on social media even though his Scenes from a Marriage co-star, Jessica Chastain, appeared nude alongside him. Even the discussion of her nakedness centered more on him, as she’d only agreed to do it if he was also expected to go full-frontal. 

Another big difference is how nudity is used. When women are naked on TV, it’s almost always sexualized, intended to arouse (either another character, the audience, or both). A naked penis, on the other hand, isn’t there to turn you on. It’s there to make you laugh or prove a point (like, that the show is progressive and boundary-pushing).

So, while the uptick in on-screen dick is progress, we still have a long way to go before tat is genuinely equal to tit. 

Images: Erin Simkin/Hulu; Eddy Chen/HBO; AMANDA MATLOVICH/NETFLIX

Which Sex Toy You Should Try This Year, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.

When it comes to sex, I don’t need to tell you there are a lot of different ways to have it. Fast sex! Slow sex! Sweaty sex! Shower sex! Super hot, “brag about to your friends at brunch” sex, and “lazily put your hand down your pants while watching Bridgerton” sex. And while there are a lot (like, a lot a lot) of ways to get off, what works for one person might not work for someone else. But luckily, there’s a way to figure out how you should elevate your sex game without actually trying that hard, thanks, of course, to zodiac signs.

Now, it doesn’t matter whether you believe in astrology or not (*cough* liar *cough*). The truth is, your sign is actually majorly telling when it comes to not only your personality, but your sexual appetite. In fact, if your 2022 goal is to have actually good sex, then selecting the toy for your sign is not only smart, but it’s fate. And since the stars told me you’d be here (and yes, by stars I mean my editor), here’s what your sign thinks you should try this year. Don’t thank me for having the best sex of your life. Thank *~the universe~*.

Fire Signs: Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius

As the name suggests, fire signs are known for bringing the heat and taking calculated risks, so now’s the time to retire your showerhead and do something a little more daring. Trust us, you can do better than your apartment’s mediocre water pressure. 

Aries

Le Wand Petite All That Glimmers Collection

Le Wand Petite All That Glimmers Collection

As the very first sign of the zodiac, it’s no surprise Aries is all about being coming first. You know. Literally. Even though you’re a little impatient at times, that’s just because you’re looking out for #1, and when it comes to getting off, that’s absolutely not a bad thing. In fact, it’s low-key essential. IDK about you, but the last time someone made sure I orgasmed first was never.

Whether you’re hooking up with someone or just going at it solo, you need a toy that’ll get the job done fast, because according to you, if you’re not first, you’re… well, you’re always first, so the rest of that’s irrelevant. That’s why you need a wand vibrator. This iconic style has over 16 vibration options and can be used all over your body to scratch that sexual itch fast. Your playful side will love the sparkly blue and pink options, and your selfish side will love the fact that’ll it’ll get you off in mere seconds.

Leo

Bondage Boutique Leopard Print Wrist Cuffs

Bondage Boutique Leopard Print Wrist Cuffs

Even if you know jack shit about the zodiac, you probably know Leo is represented by a lion. And while, like a lion, Leos tend to spend way too much energy on their hair and for some reason always want to nap in the sun, you’re also the queen of playing cat and mouse. The chase is half the fun for you, and once you’ve captured your prey a partner, you like to run the show. And thankfully, there’s an easy way to lean into your bossy tendencies that can double as sexiness: BDSM.

Take the role of a dominatrix and incorporate some powerplay in 2022. Not only do you get to call the shots, but it actually counts as erotic so like, win-win. To get your full Leo-ness, grab a pair of animal print wrist cuffs to keep your minion(s) in place. If you want even more control, there’s a matching blindfold (which you can use solo) and flogger that’ll help you go all Fifty Shades but in a non-problematic way.

Sagittarius

Vesper Vibrator Necklace

Crave Vesper Vibrating Necklace

Hi Sag, so good of you to make it. You know, since committing to something—anything—isn’t your best quality. Since you’re probably skimming this while waiting in line at the airport, watching Netflix, or pretending to pay attention in a Zoom meeting, I’ll cut to the chase: You need something that can keep up with your restless ways. With an attention span as robust as a goldfish’s and a constant need to go out and explore, a clunky sex toy or accessory that’s going to weigh you down are big nos. What you need is something sleek, portable, and fast. Enter: the Vesper vibrating necklace from Crave.

At a glance, it just looks like a chic cylinder necklace, but upon closer inspection, you’ll notice a little button that when pressed, turns the charm into your clitoris’ new BFF. Not only is it super quiet and easy to clean, but it’s USB rechargeable so you don’t have to worry about international plugs when you’re off chasing your next #wanderlust whim.

Earth Signs: Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn

The most grounded of the signs, earth signs tend to gravitate toward anything classic, understated, and sophisticated. While you’re not likely to see a glow-in-the-dark ball gag here, there are still plenty of ways to get off if you like to keep things a little more vanilla and a little less “smack my ass and call me by your ex’s name.”

TaurusMarie G-spot VibratorZalo Marie G-spot Vibrator

When it comes to basically anything in your life, you expect the absolute best absolutely all the time. Things like massages, subscription boxes, and “just because” peonies are your bread and butter, and if it doesn’t make you feel like a pampered f*cking princess, it’s not for you. While there aren’t a ton of sex toys out there that’ll meet your standards, Zalo’s Marie vibrator will impress even your fancy-ass taste.

The classic wand shape—which can be used for internal or external stimulation—has eight different vibration settings and comes in three different colors (red, blue, and pink), but it’s the extras of the toy that’ll actually make a Capricorn like you interested. Inspired by the opulence of Marie Antoinette, the vibe has a 24 karat gold chain and tip that somehow makes lazy afternoon orgasms seem extremely high-end. Plus, it comes in a Rococo-inspired gift box that will absolutely become a focal point of your bedroom’s French-riviera-meets-Gossip Girl aesthetic.

Virgo

Wink+ Vibrator from Crave

Crave Wink+ Vibrator

The fact that Virgo’s here reading this is a major win. As Type-As with a desire to please, sex toys—especially out-of-the-box sex toys—might make you feel a little squirrely. No matter how clean and uncomplicated you are, though, we know deep down even you like to get dirty every now and again (as long as there’s plenty of hand sanny around, ofc). That’s why a simple yet elevated vibrator that you don’t have to panic about if you leave it on your dresser is the move.

Crave’s Wink+ could literally pass as a (very pretty) pen or lipstick, so you can toss it in your purse or suitcase or pocket, and you don’t have to worry if someone stumbles across it because it looks hella inconspicuous. And as far as using it, it’s about as simple as vibrators get. The singular button sifts through the seven total speeds/settings and the entire metal body is waterproof so it’s all good for that shower cry you have to have in order to destress after a day of perfectionism.

Capricorn

Lioness Smart Vibrator

Lioness Smart Vibrator

Hardworking, ambitious, and practical, as a Capricorn you’ve had it all since you started beating out all the slackers for awards and promotions. While some people might accuse you of being too calculated, you know the truth: Hard work + a logical brain = getting everything you’ve ever wanted. And this year, we want you to have lots and lots of really good sex. But because you need data and numbers to determine whether or not it’s *actually* good, a smart IA vibe like the Lioness is where it’s at.

Basically, the toy, which looks like your typical rabbit vibrator, uses built-in sensors to literally track your arousal and orgasms. You then sync it to the app where you can see the data behind your sesh and discover ways to—get this—get better at orgasming. If the thought of looking at your pleasure charted on a freaking graph doesn’t get your Capricorn nipples hard, the fact that the company’s slogan is “never measured, never improved” should do it.

Air Signs: Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius

Right this way, weirdos. As the unique, innovative, and delightfully strange ones of the zodiac, air signs are the folks most likely to let their freak flags fly really fucking high. For them, the more unexpected, the better—and sex is no exception. 

Gemini

Cute Little F*ckers Poly Pack

Cute Little Fuckers Poly Pack

Geminis tend to get a bad rap for being fickle, but you know what others fail to see: That your whim-chasing personality is a mf gift. Instead of constantly overanalyzing, you like to just go, whether that means snagging concert tix you can’t afford or kissing people you shouldn’t. Since your desires—and partners—are always changing, one toy probably won’t cut it. That’s why you need an unexpected sex toy multi-pack in your 2022 life. 

From the company Cute Little Fuckers (perfect name), these strange yet adorable (like you!) vibrators work with anybody and any gender, so if your sexual preferences or partners ebb and flow, these toys will still have you covered. Plus, the different shapes mean you can try everything from penetrative masturbation to inserting a fake purple octopus up your ass. And let’s be real, if anyone’s going to love playful sex toys that could double as stoner animation, it’s you.

Libra

Lovehoney Midnight Magic Couple's Sex Toy KitLovehoney Midnight Magic Couple’s Sex Toy Kit

Romantic yet indecisive, Libras could never go for a standard vibrator because not only do you want options, but you want those options to *mean* something. What’s the point if it doesn’t involve chest-heaving passion, dammit?! Having so many feelings is exhausting, isn’t it? Luckily, you’re not alone. In fact, couple’s kits are a major component of basically every sex retailer because finding new and exciting ways to connect with someone is kinda the point. That’s why a sensual multipack, like Lovehoney’s Midnight Magic Kit, is huge for a flirty little thang like you.

The kit comes with everything from a bullet vibrator to a suction vibrator to a penis ring, all of which can be used with your partner du jour. Light the scented candle and roll those sexy dice for a year of constantly changing sexual experiences that go beyond just hooking up and gazing into each others’ eyes. You can connect! Emotionally! With sex toys! Libra, your time is now.

Aquarius

Lelo ENIGMA™ Vibrator

Lelo ENIGMA™ Vibrator

As the certified Aquarian of pretty much any group, I’m here to tell you the rumors are true: We’re just as non-conforming and independent as these types of roundups make us seen. The worst thing that can happen to an Aquarius is they feel like everyone else, so an outside-the-box sex toy is the only way to actually please you. Enter Lelo’s ENIGMA, with a name as fitting as the toy design.

The chrome purple vibrator looks straight-up futuristic, and the fact that it can deliver different types of orgasms depending on how you use it is right up an Aquarian’s ally. The best part is, if you roll up to a sex sesh with this bad boy, I can guarantee your partner will have never seen anything like it, thus making you the coolest, most unique person they’ve ever been with. Not that you aren’t already, but still, it’s nice to have your bases covered.

Water Signs: Pisces, Cancer, and Scorpio

Why are water signs so emotional? Because they’re always crying. Kidding! Sort of! Truthfully though, when it comes to feeling the feels and getting all sentimental, no one gets mushy quite like these H20 signs.

Pisces

Loveability The WaterSlyde® Aquatic StimulatorLoveability The WaterSlyde® Aquatic Stimulator

Poor, exhausted Pisces. From always saying “yes” to plans you wish you could ditch and constantly trying to find ways to express your creative side, those bags under your eyes have taken up permanent residency. It’s a good thing Gen-Z decided they were cool though, especially because trends are basically your blood type. It’s not so much that you like what everyone likes, but it’s honestly just easier than constantly searching for the next thing to inspire you. That’s why 2022 is the time for you to chill TF.

Since you’re already big on baths (hello they’re trendy and your symbol is a fish), why not incorporate something that’ll reduce your bubble time stress even more? Lovability’s WaterSlyde is a literal slide you attach to your bath faucet that directs that sweet sweet water stream to *exactly* the right spot. So not only is it sustainable, one-of-a-kind, and doesn’t require a charger (which you lent to your friend last week), but it’s also no-frills, which means less stress and more screaming in ecstasy from the water.

Cancer

DIY Homemade Dildo Clone Kit

Clone-A-Willy DIY Homemade Dildo Clone Kit

The tricky thing with Cancers and sex toys is that typically when you have sex, you like there to be a connection. Not every time— you’re not a nun or anything. But a deep, passionate, tear-my-heart-out-and-eat-it-with-blood-running-down-your-face kind of love isn’t too much to ask, is it? Not at all. And while things are great when you have it, losing it is pretty much a travesty. That’s why 2022 is going to be the year we bridge the gap between letting go of the past and hanging onto it for dear fucking life. To do this, you need a human penis (preferably one attached to a human you love, or at least like) and a DIY dildo kit.

The point here is you’re going to make a mold of your beloved’s penis that will then become a dildo you can use for the rest of your life. Think about it. Years later when you’re looking through your memory boxes of pictures and letters, you can whip out this baby and remember what it was like to get laid by whatever person isn’t texting you back quickly enough right now. No, it’s not exactly healthy, but hey, at least it’s better than stalking (which you really need to stop doing, BTW).

Scorpio

Adam & Eve Booty Boot Camp Training KitAdam & Eve Booty Boot Camp Training Kit

Last but literally never least is the most passionate sign of the zodiac. As a Scorpio, you probably read the rest of this article like “…and?” Very little surprises you because, duh, you are the surprise, and picking a sex toy that you either haven’t tried or haven’t considered trying is near impossible. As the sign least likely to shy away from a dildo or blush at the idea of buying a vibrator, your chaotic personality calls for a toy as delightful as it is terrifying: an anal training kit.

Whether or not you’ve already ventured into backdoor play, this kit from Adam & Eve is made to turn butt play beginners into straight-up pros for anal sex, penetrative pleasure, or simply bragging rights. And if you get bored using it on yourself, insist your newest plaything try it out. Because if anyone can get their partner to shove a giant, 6″ anal plug up their ass, it’s you.

Images: Nuria Seguí / Stocksy.com; adameve.com; lewandmassager.com (2); cloneawilly.com; lovabilityinc.com; lelo.com; lovehoney.com (2); cutelittlefuckers.com; lioness.io; lovecrave.com (2); zalousa.com 

7 Sex Positions To Get You Off, Since We’re Not Faking Orgasms

Raise your hand if you’ve felt personally victimized by the lack of attention given to your lady bean during any given sack sesh, because same. Ladies, we are SO much more than a freshly waxed b-hole, so now is the time to put an end to the nurturing of his needs and take control this summer. Saturdays might be for the boys, but we legit just got a whole season dedicated to us and doing hot girl sh*t, so suck it, Chad.

Speaking of douchebags, I once read an Instagram meme that said, “I chose to sleep with him not because I have no respect for myself, but because I have no respect for him,” and I truly felt that one deep down to my inner labia (don’t tell my husband). It’s 2021 and finally time to start giving your sexual needs the same amount of respect you give to your vibrator after faking it for the billionth time. Put the toy back in the drawer, because your pleasure is about to be served on a silver platter with these six femme-first positions.  

Double The Pleasure

Hot take: Reverse cowgirl sucks (and don’t @ me). The amount of quad-inducing labor involved is my actual worst nightmare, and don’t even get me started on the awkward insertion angles. That said, with a few tweaks, you can perfect the task of becoming the Annie Oakley of your very own Wild, Wild West fantasy while riding yourself to completion.

According to Jen Landa, M.D., author of The Sex Drive Solution for Women, Double The Pleasure is god’s gift to maximum female stimulation because, hi, it’s about damn time. Here’s the gist: Start off as you would in typical reverse cowgirl, but stretch out one leg while the other knee is still bent beside your partner. Have them bend one leg up so that you’re basically straddling the raised leg with a thigh on either side and voilà, you’ve got a prop to stabilize yourself while rocking their world.

Best part of all? Their thigh also doubles as your own personal cat-scratching post. Landa dubbed this position “reverse cowgirl with a twist”, which allows for optimal clitoral stimulation that will 10/10 make your actual kitty purr with satisfaction. I swear, that’s my last cat pun.

The Edge of Reason

If I had a dollar for every time my husband whined about his stiff neck as a result of oral sex, let’s just say I wouldn’t be praying to the big man upstairs every night for a fourth stimmy check. The Edge of Reason is the G.O.A.T. of oral sex that allows you to keep an open mind, but mostly open legs, all while giving your partner’s neck the mobility of an overactive bobble head doll.

 It’s as simple as laying on your back at the edge of any surface of your choosing. Depending on the height of the surface, this gives them the option to kneel, sit, stand… hell, they can even strike a yoga pose. With their face buried in your bed of roses, this gives their hands the freedom to roam about the cabin.

Pro tip: Prop your feet up on your partner’s shoulders for more balance, clitoral accessibility and a one-way ticket to Climax City.  

The Captain

Ladies, it’s time to take back the power we were legit never given at any point in history and take charge of this MFing ship. You may not be working with the spatial capacity of an actual ship, but thankfully this oral sex position doesn’t discriminate against small spaces or dumpy studio apartments, so really, as long as you’ve got an empty wall—or, IDK, a door that closes—you’re good to go.

While in a standing position, lean your back against a wall/door/for the love of god, just something sturdy. Have your partner kneel in front of you, and if I have to explain what comes next, we’ve got bigger issues here. Once the show starts, let the curtains fully open by resting a leg comfortably over your partner’s shoulder. This gives them much more room for work and a straight shot to the buried treasure.

The Good Ex

At the moment, the only person on the planet capable of having a good ex is probably J.Lo, but you’ll soon believe in miracles after the formation of two bodies into an X shape leaves you with more satisfaction than your ex ever could. For this position, sit up facing each other with your legs forward. This is where it gets tricky: Bring your right leg over your partner’s left leg and leave your left leg under their right leg. Both of you lie back while your legs naturally form an ‘X’ as you come together.

The female orgasm is not a sprint and is definitely not achieved by attempting to bust down the gates of the cervix with a goddamn tree trunk. With the combination of slow gyrations and the ability to rub against your partner at the pace of your liking, your arousal will build, and the sensations will triple in intensity. Trust me, the likelihood of having regrets from this particular X are slim to none.

 The Ommm

The Ommm, typically pronounced with a drawn out ‘mmmm’, is more commonly known as the Lotus, but with one minor adjustment that’ll hands down result in one major zen. Leave the jackhammering in the junkyard for this tantric joyride position that’s all about vibing with your chakras (or simultaneous orgasms, if chakra talk isn’t your thing).  

In order to achieve prime peak, have your partner sit cross-legged as you secure yourself onto their lap with your legs wrapped around their body. While hugging each other, rocking is key as you take full control and allow the spiritual energy to flow between you and your partner. K, enough of the yogi talk, if you wanna ho it up a little, give them a full show by grabbing their hands and taking turns leaning back and forth while grinding against each other. With the different angles, your g-spot will surely namaste in its happy place.   

Pretzel Dip

There are times where I truly don’t know which is more pleasurable, sex or food (again, don’t tell my husband), but this position basically gives you the best of both worlds. To achieve this delicacy, lie on one side while your partner kneels facing you and straddling your leg that is resting on the bed. Bring your opposite leg across both your bodies and curl it around their body.

The Pretzel Dip is the perfect appetizer for female pleasure because it gives doggy style-like penetration while still being able to maintain intimate eye contact. Plus, with your legs slightly more ajar, it allows for ample clitoral stimulation, toy usage, and/or casual grinding. Ok, so food technically isn’t involved, but you’ll probably work up an appetite after that mind-blowing orgasm, so there’s that.

Images: Alexey Kuzma / Stocksy.com; Giphy (3)

David Dobrik Is Under Fire Today, But Internet Prank Culture Has Greenlit Sexual Assault for Years

Content Warning: This article contains descriptions of sexual assault and may be triggering to some readers.

We use many different words to describe sexual assault and harassment: criminal, violating, non-consensual. Here’s a word we rarely use in this context: cringey. That’s the word mega-creator David Dobrik might use; in fact, he would go for a tasteful “SUPER CRINGEY.” Dobrik rose to fame on the late video platform Vine (RIP), and later in 2015 through his four-minute-long vlog-style videos featuring a group of boisterous friends, later dubbed The Vlog Squad. In 2019, Dobrik was the fifth-most viewed creator on YouTube, and dubbed “Gen Z’s Jimmy Fallon” by The Wall Street Journal. Beyond the YouTube platform, Dobrik went on to voice animated roles in commercial films and host television programs for Nickelodeon and the Discovery Channel. In the social media world, David Dobrik is a bonafide A-lister.

Dobrik has come under fire in the last month for allegations of sexual assault in his vlogs, but his is not the first YouTube channel to hide assault in plain sight. The prank culture which has flooded the platform in the last 10 years has created a breeding ground for unwanted sexual advances, the only real consequence being demonetization of videos and loss of the mighty ad dollar. 

Last month, former Vlog Squad member Seth Francois came forward to discuss a now-deleted video from 2017 in which he was sexually assaulted. Before planning and filming Francois’ assault, Dobrik used him as a prop in a number of racist and antiquated bits (think watermelon jokes and gorilla masks). To summarize the video in question, it follows the formula of many of Dobrik’s vlogs, turning Vlog Squad member Jason Nash into a dancing puppet to surprise unsuspecting friends. Hilarious. In the video, we see Francois agree to a consensual kissing bit with a female member of the group, but to his surprise, Jason Nash enters the room in a rubber mask and proceeds to make out with Francois—without his consent. The Department of Justice defines sexual assault as “any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient,” defining consent as “an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity.” Simply put, any sexual contact without consent is considered sexual assault in the eyes of the law, and YouTubers are no exception.

In a recent appearance on the H3 Podcast, Francois detailed the events leading up to and following the public “bit.” Echoing the sentiments of so many male victims of sexual assault, what followed was a three-year battle of confusion and emasculation for Francois. Dobrik’s removal of the video has not stopped clips from resurfacing in the past two weeks, and while he has yet to make a statement, the internet is abuzz. On February 16th, Jack Link’s Jerky, a product which appeared in the original video, tweeted to clear its name of any connection to Dobrik, ensuring that the brand ” not tolerate or condone any non-consensual conduct such as what happened in this video.” For those taking the video’s removal as a sign of growth, not so fast. Dobrik once reflected on the clip on his own podcast, referring to the bit in question as “the perfect setup,” Nash following up with, “it’s good for Seth, it gets him some air time.”

David Dobrik may be taking the hot seat this month, but assault shrouded in prank is basically a building block of YouTube’s foundation. Just days ago, three YouTubers in Mumbai were arrested for sexual assault and “creating obscene and vulgar prank videos in public places.” Through more than 300 public videos, the accused creators would approach young women, offer them money to act in their videos, and proceed to touch and harass them as a “prank.” The consequences of these types of prank videos are far from consistent, and it’s impossible to ignore the divide in response between male and female victims.

Enter defamed YouTuber, Sam Pepper. Before his “Killing Best Friend Prank” video and public rebranding, Pepper was a huge creator on YouTube with millions of views. In those earlier years on the platform, a video hitting one million views was a big deal. Pepper’s content was viral and almost entirely prank-based, but in September of 2014, he incited his own reckoning. Pepper uploaded the now-infamous “Fake Hand Ass Pinch Prank” video, in which Pepper would approach women in public, ask for directions, and grab their butts with a fake hand. The internet almost immediately snapped on Pepper, with #ReportSamPepper trending on Twitter. Users called for his removal from the platform. Female creators were quick to speak out against him; one creator publishing an open letter calling on him to “stop violating women and making them uncomfortable on the street for views.” The letter would go on to collect more than 110,000 signatures.

That was the reaction in 2014. Just three years later, Dobrik would post the video, “HE THOUGHT HE WAS KISSING HER!! (SUPER CRINGEY)” — yes, that’s the title — presenting the sexual assault of Seth Francois as comedy. Where were the open letters for Seth? Where was his 100,000-person army, and why weren’t creators urging Dobrik to stop making his friends uncomfortable for views? Are we trying to protect Gen Z’s future King of Late Night, or is this just another example of the world turning a blind eye to male sexual assault?

According to a statistic of the same phrasing, at least one in six men have been sexually abused or assaulted, and the stigmas that weigh on male victims are short-sighted and dismissive. Men can’t be forced into sexual acts against their will, men are less affected by assault, women cannot rape men. For male victims, mass public support is like shoddy cell service—spotty, inconsistent, and laden with fine print. That said, whether the victim is male or female, the world’s message is clear. We’ll support you if your abusers aren’t primary revenue sources. We’ll speak out if we’ve already unsubscribed. 

For Francois, the aftermath of his assault mirrored the fallout of so many survivors before him, male and female. He struggled with identity and masculinity and fought hard to accept that he wasn’t at fault. He fielded overwrought questions like, “why has it taken years for you to speak up?” His response is simple. “When he pulled the mask off, it was a split decision,” says Francois, “I could either give in to my natural instincts and be the angry Black guy in the room, or I can just go along with it, and I made that decision.”

In his appearance on the H3 Podcast, Francois speaks on the situation in the simplest terms he can: “I was touched by someone I did not consent to.”

In the last few years, we’ve made serious strides in the recognition of unjust behavior and created space for victims to speak out, but the conversations surrounding male sexual assault need to catch up. 

If you are a survivor of sexual assault, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or visit their website to receive confidential support.

Images: Featureflash Photo Agency / Shutterstock.com

Armie Hammer Isn’t Coming Back From This

TRIGGER WARNING: The following article contains references and details surrounding rape, sexual violence, cannibalism, and more. 

In case you haven’t heard by now—or simply saw a tweet vaguely referencing “cannibalism” and scrolled past—actor Armie Hammer has been accused of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse by multiple ex-girlfriends and anonymous women he allegedly met on Instagram. (I’m somewhat surprised by how many people apparently haven’t heard of Armie Hammer, so to be clear, his most—and only—notable films include The Social Network and Call Me By Your Name, if that helps ring a bell.) 

The allegations are extremely dark, disturbing, and ugly, and should be treated with the utmost seriousness. 

Here’s the part where I remind you that this is not “kink-shaming,” unlike what some recent headlines may suggest. A BDSM kink—or any kink, for that matter—is intrinsically about consent, respect, safety, and boundaries. (You can read more about it here.) The allegations against Hammer, however, paint a portrait of someone who has failed to respect boundaries, performing horrific acts on women against their consent that clearly have made them feel unsafe. (Hammer himself admitted in a 2013 interview with Playboy that he “doesn’t pull his wife’s hair during sex, because she’s wife.” This Twitter thread expands on why this is a red flag in the BDSM world, but the implication is that Hammer is aware, on some level at least, that his kinks may be incompatible with respect.)

While rumors surrounding Hammer’s behavior have been swirling for years—especially on celebrity “tea” blogs like Lipstick Alley and Blind Gossip—the allegations officially picked up steam in January, when Instagram user @houseofeffie began releasing details of her years-long affair with Hammer, which included when he was married to ex-wife Elizabeth Chambers. The “sexts” Armie sent in some of the screenshots released by Effie are… extremely unsettling, to say the least. “I want to see your brain, your blood, your organs… If I f*cked you into a vegetative state… When I tell you to slit your wrists and use your blood as lube for anal…” He said he was turned on by a Black Lives Matter protest. She also released photos of neck injuries and a corresponding conversation with Hammer in which she asked him not to buckle the belt when they would later have sex. He did it anyway. 

Hammer initially denied the accusations, calling them “spurious bullsh*t.” After the first knee-jerk statement, Hammer has remained mostly silent, except to apologize for a video leaked from his finsta which showed a woman, whom he referred to as “Miss Cayman,” in lingerie on all fours. Hammer personally apologized, telling the Cayman Compass, “I would like to clarify that the person in my video, which was stolen from my private Instagram, is not Miss Cayman. I am genuinely sorry for any confusion my foolish attempt at humour may have caused.” He has, however, declined to comment on any of the recent accusations made by his ex-partners. His social channels remain up, but unused. On February 6, news broke that both his agency and his publicist dropped him, sparking rumors that there was a bombshell exposé on the horizon. (So far, no such exposé exists.)

YouTuber Paige Lorenze, 22, who dated Hammer for several months in late 2020 following his divorce from ex-wife Elizabeth Chambers, is another woman who’s come forward with allegations of abuse. “I was fresh out of a breakup after getting cheated on,” Lorenze told me. “I was in a vulnerable place, I moved out of my ex’s place and went directly to LA alone, and I was someone who was easy to take advantage of.” I first listened to Lorenze recount the details of her relationship with Hammer when she appeared on the Sofia With an F podcast in January, and I spoke with her at length about the relationship over the phone as well. Lorenze revealed on the podcast that Hammer, who is 12 years her senior, initially eased her into the BDSM lifestyle—at first by telling her to do things like show up outside of his house on all fours, before he subsequently would walk her with a dog leash. Soon, however, things got darker and even more degrading, and Hammer began to coerce Lorenze into rough, nonconsensual sexual acts—like biting, knife play, and strange, rape-based fantasies—that left bruises and injuries on her body (evident in photos she posted from the time the two were dating). “It wasn’t sexy. It just hurt,” Lorenze told Franklin about his bizarre sexual preferences. 

The most disturbing—and damning—piece of evidence is the “A” Hammer allegedly carved on Lorenze’s body with a knife against her will while she was tied up during sex. (Yes, he literally branded her like Keith Raniere of NXVIM infamy.) In a photo shared by Lorenze, you can see the branding for yourself.

“He was bragging to his friends about it in front of me, and they may have thought it was a little weird, but didn’t say anything,” she told me. She also said the actor repeatedly told her he wanted to find a doctor in LA to remove her ribs so he could smoke them on the barbecue and eat them in front of her. 

Several other women, including exes Courtney Vucekovich and Jessica Ciencin Henriquez, have come forward with strikingly similar claims of abuse. 

As a wealthy and well-connected Hollywood celebrity, Hammer has been enabled by many, many people, including his “industry” inner circle—whose transgressions Effie has been documenting on her account as well—for years. But I’ve said it on my Twitter, and I’ll say it again here: This is unlike any sex scandal we’ve seen before. 

The difference between Hammer and other famous sexual abusers of the world—in my humble, untrained opinion—is his highly, highly troubling pattern of behavior. Hammer’s alleged behavior is reminiscent of just about every stereotype you’d associate with a budding Ted Bundy prodigy: animal abuse from an early age, fantasies about eating and displacing a woman’s organs, desires to break his partner’s ribs and bones during sex, and more. 

As far as I’m concerned, Hammer isn’t coming back from this—and this isn’t the kind of behavior you can easily rehabilitate, either. But his conduct is not only troubling, it’s terrifying—who would feel safe around him on a movie set going forward? Who would want their loved ones around him in the future? 

Complicating matters is the fact that the online gossip mills have nearly grown louder than the victims’ voices. One rumor that floated around r/ArmieHammerReceipts—before making its way to DeuxMoi, and eventually Page Six—was that Hammer was potentially involved in a missing persons case. “The thing is—I believed the rumors when I first saw them, honestly,” Lorenze told me. “He’s capable and he’s dangerous.” The rumors were quickly debunked, and it was confirmed that Hammer is not, in any way, related to the case. 

But that hasn’t stopped many from wondering what other skeletons may potentially be coming out of Hammer’s closet soon, and the number of anti-Armie sleuths subscribed to the subreddit grows everyday. 

Either way, I can’t help but feel that we appear to be living in a second reckoning comparable to 2017’s #MeToo movement following the bombshell sex crimes and coverups of Harvey Weinstein. There’s Marilyn Manson, and there’s Shia LaBeouf. There’s Joss Whedon, and there’s (maybe) Jared Leto. A clear message has been sent: The time is up for men who skated by the first time and were somehow left unscathed. (In fact, #TimesUpArmie has appeared to become the official social media hashtag in support of the victims.) 

While it’s unclear when exactly Hammer will face any legal consequences that will give his many, many victims the closure they need, one thing is for sure: The public, aka us, has all the power right now. So far, Hammer has been dropped from the romantic comedy Shotgun Wedding with Jennifer Lopez, Paramount drama series The Offer, and was also edited out of the promotional materials for his upcoming movie alongside Gary Oldman called Crisis

He’s crashing and burning right now. But we need to keep talking about it—because, to me at least, Hammer is a danger to society.

As long as he’s out and free wherever he is, more women will get hurt,” Lorenze agreed. For every article with a headline insinuating that Hammer’s merely being “kink-shamed,” there’s likely a new 19-year-old sliding into his Instagram DMs telling him that she would love to indulge his kinks. 

In any case, Hammer’s image is forever tarnished, and Lorenze and the rest of the victims have shown unspeakable strength and grace in the face of terrifying-sounding trauma. And if Hammer ever returns from the Cayman Islands, his next Hollywood meeting might just be with a fist. Lorenze admits, “I’m not sure what I would do if I saw him walking down the street in LA or something, but I’d probably throw up and clock him in the face.”

If you or someone you know has been the victim of sexual assault, harassment or violence, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673) or chat online at online.rainn.org. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or chat online at thehotline.org.

Images: Featureflash Photo Agency / Shutterstock.com

UPDATED: WTF Is Going On With Those Armie Hammer DMs?

Content warning: This post contains graphic language and descriptions of sexual violence and abuse.

If you noticed on Monday that Armie Hammer was trending on Twitter but didn’t feel like delving any deeper into why toothpaste was trending, then you might want to get some eye-bleach handy and get ready for a whole bunch of sh*t you never wanted to see. Consider this your warning: you will probably be happier not knowing what I am about to tell you. So. The actor who played both Winklevoss twins in The Social Network (and not the baking soda company) started trending when screenshots of purported messages with the actor leaked. Just a warning, they are very graphic, so if you are of the faint of heart or have pets nearby (you’ll find out why in a second) then you may just want to tab out now and live in blissful ignorance like I wish I’d done.

On Sunday night, screenshots started circulating that appeared to be between Armie Hammer’s own verified Instagram account to a now-private IG user in which Hammer allegedly wrote, “I am 100% a cannibal. I want to eat you. F**k. That’s scary to admit … I’ve never admitted that before.” Other alleged messages include statements such as “I need to drink your blood” and “I’ve cut the heart out of a living animal before and eaten it while still warm.”

(And my go-to bad first date story is the time a guy opened with his theory that five out of five women like being choked in bed.)

Many outlets are pointing out that so far, the screenshots have not been authenticated, though a screenshot claiming to be from an accuser admitting the messages were fake has been debunked as an even deeper fake that may have been fabricated by an Armie Hammer fan account.

In other alleged messages, Hammer writes, “You just live to obey and be my slave. I will own you.” A master/slave relationship can be a type of sexual fantasy and role play that participants enter into consensually. But the power dynamics at play when a not-famous person enters into a relationship with a person who wields a lot of power and influence can blur the lines — as can the very nature of a master/slave relationship.

According to screenshots shared by The SunHammer allegedly said, “I feel like the same way you are on one side of the spectrum, I am on the other side of the master spectrum and I can’t ever imagine another slave. I don’t even want one.” According to an annotation by the original poster, Hammer “literally had multiple slaves when he said this lie.” In a 2018 interview in The Cut, BDSM educator Barbara Carrellas stresses, “Master-slave contracts are negotiated between two consenting, loving people, and they usually take years.” It’s also important to note that consent can be revoked at any time.

Writer Jessica Ciencin Henriquez, who was spotted grabbing food in LA with Hammer in September 2020 (some outlets have characterized her as Hammer’s ex-girlfriend), tweeted, “If you are still questioning whether or not those Armie Hammer DMs are real (and they are) maybe you should start questioning why we live in a culture willing to give abusers the benefit of the doubt instead of victims.” On her Instagram stories, she posted, “It takes an army to hide a predator. Behind every abuser is a ton of people working hard to cover up the trail.”

Hammer’s reps have not responded to multiple outlets’ requests for comment.

UPDATE: On Wednesday, a spokesperson for Lionsgate confirmed Hammer would be recast in the upcoming film Shotgun Wedding, which he was set to star opposite Jennifer Lopez. A production spokesman said in a statement, “Given the imminent start date of Shotgun Wedding, Armie has requested to step away from the film and we support him in his decision.”

“Requested”. Sure.

In a statement, Hammer said, “I’m not responding to these bullshit claims but in light of the vicious and spurious online attacks against me, I cannot in good conscience now leave my children for 4 months to shoot a film in the Dominican Republic,” adding, “Lionsgate is supporting me in this and I’m grateful to them for that.”

On Thursday, one of Hammer’s ex-girlfriends, Courtney Vucekovich, gave an exclusive interview to Page Six, alleging Hammer was “emotionally abusive” in addition to being “weird and gross”, saying, “He likes the idea of skin in his teeth.”

But the fetish wasn’t the most alarming part of their relationship — Vucekovich told Page Six that, at most, if she had a small cut on her hand, “he’d like suck it or lick it” — the real issue was the “active manipulation” and emotional abuse she suffered at the hands of Hammer.

“He quickly grooms you in the relationship,” she told Page Six. “He kind of captivates you and while being charming, he’s grooming you for these things that are darker and heavier and consuming. When I say consuming, I mean mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, just everything.”

Vucekovich said that at one point, she and hammer spent three straight weeks together, and in the moments when they weren’t together, he’d text her 100 times a day. Eventually, she was paying for everything, even gas, because “he’s allegedly broke” — though a Google search puts his net worth at $16 million. The alleged abuse was so bad that, following an explosive fight that ended their relationship, Vucekovich had regular panic attacks, and eventually checked herself into a 30-day partial hospitalization program for PTSD and trauma.

Paige Lorenze, who was linked to Hammer in December 2020, tweeted on January 10, “anyone got a good therapist?”

Hammer and his wife Elizabeth Chambers announced their divorce in July after a decade of marriage and 13 years as a couple. A source told ET that Chambers is “in complete shock” and that “she is sickened by the various women’s claims”.

UPDATE 2/2/21: Chambers has seemingly responded to the allegations, writing in the caption to an Instagram post, “For weeks, I’ve been trying to process everything that has transpired.” She added, “I support any victim of assault or abuse and urge anyone who has experienced this pain to seek the help she or he needs to heal” before stating that she will not comment further on the allegations.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Elizabeth Chambers (@elizabethchambers)

Last week, news broke that Hammer’s Call Me By Your Name costar, Timothée Chalamet, would be teaming up with the film’s director, Luca Guadagnino, for a movie adaptation of the young adult novel Bones & All by Camille DeAngelis. Bones & All is about—get this—a 16-year-old who eats the people she falls in love with. Yeah. Chambers commented “no words” on an Instagram post by Just Jared announcing the movie. No words indeed. It doesn’t seem like Hammer was involved, but still, it feels just a little too soon.

If you or someone you know has been the victim of sexual assault, harassment or violence, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673) or chat online at online.rainn.org. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or chat online at thehotline.org.

Featureflash Photo Agency / Shutterstock.com

5 ‘Bridgerton’-Inspired Sex Tips To Make Haste And Try

If you haven’t seen Netflix’s new show Bridgerton, based on the books by Julia Quinn, please give me the address to the rock you’re living under so I can move there too and avoid the news, and then stop reading this and go watch it. It debuted on Christmas Day and I’m already re-watching it just to keep listening to their accents. 

For you poor unfortunate souls who haven’t finished yet, the show is basically Gossip Girl reimagined in 1800s London during the debutante season. It’s full of period costumes that feature women laced up in corsets like they’re being hog-tied but somehow despite that, there is sexual tension galore, especially between the main characters, Simon Hastings (aka regulation hottie Regé-Jean Page) and Daphne Bridgerton, played by Phoebe Dynevor.

From smoldering glances across ballrooms and the thrill of his *gasp* hand touching yours, there are plenty of moments considered hot and fiery for the time period. This is what dreams are made of: sigh-inducing professions of love and old-fashioned flowery language, plus they take their clothes off. Outstanding. And while we can’t all go out there and sleep with a Duke whenever we want (ugh), there are a few royally inspiring ways to manifest that sexual tension with these recommendations based on the hottest Simon and Daphne love scenes. Please know that some of these positions contain spoilers. On that note, let us make haste, indeed. 

Scene 1: Episode 5, “The Duke and I”

This episode marks the first sex scene we get of new Duchess and her husband the Duke, and it also happens to be when Daphne loses her virginity. I know that doesn’t sound hot, but the scene manages to encompass that this woman has been lusting after Simon for, like, weeks now, and now she’s finally married to him (LOL at those 1800s marital timelines), feeling more safe, and is ready to let her freak flag fly. In a previous episode where she’s pestering Simon to fill her in on the mystery of sex, he suggests she start with touching herself and see where that takes her. (A very astute suggestion, especially for 1813.) Daphne not only takes this sage advice but tells him during this scene that when she touches herself at night, she thinks of him. For someone who’s never seen a penis until literally just now, girl’s got some moves.

Recommendation: This one writes itself: have him watch while you lay back and *ahem* show him (or her, these tips are not just for heterosexual couples) what you like. It’s simple, it’s hot, it’s foolproof. For an added incentive, set a timer on your phone and say they can’t touch you until it goes off. Once it does, go to town and for bonus points, use a warming or sensation-enhancing lube. You know the Duchess would do the same if it was invented back then.

Scene 2: Episode 6, “Swish”

Once Daphne gets the hang of things, I’m happy to say that we get an entire montage of her and Simon doing the dirty in the thrill of their honeymoon. To be fair, if we still casually married people we’d only known for about a month these days, and during the honeymoon you were lucky enough to realize how attracted you were to each other, the amount of sex you’d be having would be insane. Plus, they’re both super rich and have basically nothing else to do but get it on in the rain inside some kind of outdoor gazebo mid-downpour to a violin instrumental of Taylor Swift’s “Wildest Dreams”. They have about a million rooms with beds to choose from since they also live in an enormous mansion, but you do you. 

Recommendation: In the spirit of engaging other senses, I’m going to suggest a Fifty Shades of Grey-esque strategy here. From the books, not the movies, and don’t worry, it doesn’t involve rain or cold flagstone. Have your partner blindfold you to start with, but then in addition to removing your sight (and clothes, I hope I don’t need to specify that), up the ante with some auditory control. Insert AirPods or whatever headphones you prefer and then play the music of your choice while your partner controls what you hear and then feel—preferably, something sensual and powerful. The Bridgerton instrumental playlist is on Spotify and violin-based classical is a good choice for this experience, just saying.

Scene 3: Episode 6, “Swish”

As the sex montage continues, the scenery changes and we get a situation where Daphne is on a ladder, I’m assuming in the library or study, while Simon goes down on her until she pulls him face to face to finish things with their clothes on. Girl is living the teenage dream, but actually though, since people got married in their actual teens in those days. That being said, while I love the variety in locations here and how much rich sex we get to vicariously see, not all of us are fortunate enough to marry a Duke and live in a house with a full library and a handcrafted mahogany ladder to have sex on.

Recommendation: Take a second from crying about the fact that you weren’t born royal and don’t have a giant dowry to convince someone to marry you and imagine the reverse. Ignoring the ridiculously outdated social niceties and the multitude of things very wrong with that time period, try choosing some lingerie that resembles those insane corsets that push your boobs up to your chin, grab a feather like the one they wear in their hats and tiaras, and live your fantasy. Maybe you’re the duchess, or a princess, or a dressmaker who falls in love with a prince, another duchess, a scullery maid, or whatever brings your 1800s-inspired fantasy to life. It’s a great way to escape from reality while still being, you know, pandemic-safe. As long as you commit to your roles, whatever combo you have in mind is sure to be swoon-worthy.

Scene 4: Episode 7, “Oceans Apart”

Daphne and Simon aren’t all love, all the time—there are some points of serious tension in the show that contribute to arguments and misunderstandings between the couple that are genuinely heart-wrenching, but I’m glad to say they manage to keep things hot even in times of strife. The scene I’m referring to here is one where, post-fight, Daphne and Simon meet up for a rendezvous on a staircase in the middle of the night where he goes down on her in a moment of passion, despite their ongoing problems. I can’t stress enough: to anyone whose significant other has been dropping bold hints for you to watch this, this is the part she’s talking about.

Recommendation: Take a classic and reimagine it with a simple twist: just sit on a table or a counter while they go down on you. It’s not complicated, but it can be hotter than you think to try this out with just a switch up of body positioning. If you have stairs, you can lay back with your partner a step or two below you. If you don’t, choose a kitchen counter, a chair, or a coffee table — any surface that isn’t a bed, so it feels novel and exciting. 

Scene 5: Episode 8, “After the Rain”

Without totally giving away the plot here, Daphne and Simon have resolved a pretty major difference and the final love scene is vanilla but, like, vulnerable and tender. They’re coming back together (pun fully intended) as a couple who has connected on an emotional level and revealed deep truths about themselves, and the final love scene here reflects that. It’s passionate but also sweet; it reads more like a homecoming and a resolution to all the earlier conflict.

Recommendation: You can embrace the vulnerability of this scene even if you aren’t quite in the same emotional place as Daphne and Simon, or if you are. Since this is all about getting close and connecting emotionally, make yourself physically vulnerable as well as emotional. That’s right, dust off your handcuffs, or any implement you’d like to use (cable ties are fine for the hardcore bunch, or bathrobe ties work well and are a soft, gentle option), and have your partner restrain your hands behind your back. Then, have your partner sit on the bed with their back against the bed frame or in a chair and get on top, letting them use their hands on your hips to support you for tons of eye contact and connection. 

Word on the street is that a second season of Bridgerton, while not yet confirmed by Netflix, is in the works—so stay tuned for yet another round of spicy 1813 London drama. I’ll be narrating my daily life in Lady Whistledown’s voice until then. 

Images: Netflix