Dear Person Who Just Dramatically Announced Their Sobriety For The Evening,
Given that you felt so compelled to make a bold statement about “not drinking tonight,” you’re most likely at an event that’s entirely centered around alcohol. Especially since you organized it three weeks ago and asked us to buy you a handle, we figured it was safe to assume that you wanted to partake. Clearly you’ve decided to bail at the last minute, which is whatever, but for the love of God, please spare us from the painstaking details of why “you’re actually not going too crazy tonight, sorry!” Now I’m not saying you have to black out every time you go out. That’s just what I tend to do because I’m not a selfish person and I like to give back to the community. You don’t even necessarily have to be drinking. The whole issue is how aggressively you’re letting everyone know you aren’t drinking, to the level that I have to believe you’re actively trying to ruin our night, and I just can’t stand for that.
For example, if someone at a party kindly hands you a Solo cup filled with liquor, just take it. I don’t care if you have the stomach flu or the bar exam tomorrow, you can hold it for a few minutes. No one would even notice you weren’t drinking, and the festivities could proceed as planned. Instead, you have to loudly refuse while sounding extremely distraught, so everyone feels weird about it and pressured into asking why even though we DGAF.
There’s also something so self-righteous about labeling yourself as the person who’s “not drinking tonight.” It’s basically saying you’re the only person who has actual commitments and we’re all degenerates for having a few drinks on a Saturday. FYI, there is no moral high ground in this situation. What are you trying to protest? Fun? In that case, you’re the asshole, not me.
And it’s never just the one announcement either. Throughout the night you’re constantly making comments that imply you’re such a martyr for even showing up. As if we should be thanking you for pouting in a corner, meanwhile we all know you’d be sitting at home eating stale Doritos and Facebook stalking your ex if you weren’t here.
What it all comes down to is the fact that I don’t care how fun you are, if you don’t feel like being fun on a particular night, please stay home. Seriously. We don’t need you. Or if you do show up, don’t make such a huge deal out of the fact that you’re so bravely abstaining from alcohol for a few hours. I do that at work all the time and you don’t see anyone handing me out any trophies.
Oh, and BTW, we’ll take that tequila shot if you don’t want it,
Sabrina The Teenage Betch