Is there anything better than a celebrity family? While I love talking sh*t about all celebrities equally, there’s something about an added family dynamic that just makes everything messier, and a lot more fun. Obviously kids deserve privacy and blah blah blah, but everyone on this list is over the age of 18, and therefore fair game to roast. When thinking about my favorite famous families, there are some obvious choices, but there are also some underrated ones that don’t get enough appreciation for the drama they bring into our lives. I ranked the best famous families by messiness, so you’re welcome.
No one really knew or cared about the Hadids until a few years back, but times have changed. Gigi and Bella are both major stars now, and their little brother Anwar is quickly following in their footsteps. Add to that their mom Yolanda’s tenure on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and there’s plenty to talk about. The main thing to know about Yolanda is that she had Lyme disease for years, and Lisa Rinna accused her of faking it. It was a whole thing, but back to the kids. After years of on and off dating, it looks like Bella is officially back with The Weeknd, which feels correct. Gigi dated Zayn Malik for a long time before breaking up this year, and Anwar is now rumored to be seeing Kendall Jenner, which almost feels like incest? Their dad, Mohamed Hadid, is a real estate developer worth hundreds of millions, and he’s also best friends with Lisa Vanderpump.
It’s easy to forget how big of a deal Jessica Simpson was in the early 2000s. Her little sister, Ashlee, was also a pretty big deal for a while, with her own reality show and a hit album, until her career was ruined by a lip-syncing scandal on Saturday Night Live. Ah, times were so simple in 2004. Ashlee is now married to Evan Ross (Diana Ross’ son), and they have a new reality show together, which I am very much not watching. But let’s not forget that Jessica was the first Simpson to have a reality show with her husband. Jessica’s reality show with her then-husband Nick Lachey is really wild to revisit now, because Jessica was just so dumb. The best moment is when she is shook by the realization that buffalo wings are not made of buffalo meat (but it’s a very close second to the time she thought Chicken of the Sea was made of chicken). Jessica and Ashlee are the famous ones, but the Simpson family wouldn’t be complete without their dad Joe. If you’re wondering about Joe Simpson, think of him as a prototype for Kris Jenner, which makes him a…dadager? Idk.
Even though Billy Ray Cyrus is famous, I firmly believe that Miley has been in charge of this family since she was like, 12 years old. She started making that Disney money, and the rest is history. Now, over a decade later, Miley has gone through major transformations in her career, from Disney starlet to horny teen to horny adult baby to hippie stoner. I might have missed some steps in there, but you get the gist. Miley now seems pretty chill, and is still engaged to Liam Hemsworth, whose famous family has had much less drama. These days, the most interesting member of the family is Miley’s little sister Noah, who you know from her iconic (but short-lived) relationship with Lil Xan.
The Hiltons & Richards
This family often gets forgotten, because Paris Hilton is the only one who really matters here. Paris is one of my favorite people of all time, whether she’s making a fool of herself on The Simple Life or pretending to DJ at nightclubs around the world. She’s an icon, the leader of a business empire, and the epitome of a betch. Also, her sister Nicky married into one of the most famous families in Europe, the Rothschilds, and I am very jealous. But it’s important not to forget that Paris and Nicky’s aunts are none other than Kim and Kyle Richards, the messy duo from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. The drama between the sisters has been a main plot line on the show for years, and their sister Kathy (Paris’ mom) is so above it. For months, both Kim and Kathy weren’t speaking to Kyle, because she decided to produce a TV show based on their life story. The show, American Woman, got canceled after one season, so was it even worth it?
The Kardashians & Jenners
For our generation, the Kardashian-Jenners are the holy grail of famous families. In the past, we had families where multiple generations were Oscar winners or Broadway stars, but I like the Kardashians just as much. I won’t bore you with all the details that you already know, but it’s really spectacular to think about all this family has given us in the last decade. A 72-day marriage. Secret pregnancies. Cheating scandals. Jail time. Lip kits. And don’t forget, it all started with a sex tape. All these other families can try, but no one has ever brought the drama at a level that approaches the Kardashians. The devil works hard, but Kris Jenner truly just works harder.
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Season 15 premier of #kuwtk starts now on E! East coast! To all of our fans… I love you guys so much …Thank you for being on this crazy journey with us and for all of your amazing love and support!!!! We appreciate you always. Oh, and buckle your seatbelts. #ittakesavillage #family #love
Look, I know we all hate Donald Trump, and therefore we hate most of his family just by association, but there’s just so much material here. Ivanka paints herself as this iconic businesswoman and champion of feminism, but really her greatest achievement is a clothing line known for making designer knock-offs, which subsequently got dropped from most stores. Then we have Donald Jr. and Eric, who basically do nothing but wear suits and follow their dad around. Oh, and Don Jr. also allegedly had an iconic affair with Aubrey O’Day of Danity Kane, who appeared on The Celebrity Apprentice. I could go in on Melania, but I’ve been done with her since the moment she plagiarized Michelle Obama’s speech at the GOP convention in 2016. My personal favorite Trump is Tiffany, the daughter that DJT basically didn’t acknowledge until he was running for office. While Ivanka is busy fighting for women’s rights (lol), Tiff spent her summer at Lindsay Lohan’s club in Mykonos, so she’s winning. Ha ha ha how tf did we let these people control our country?
Images: @yolanda.hadid , @krisjenner, @tishcyrus, @kylerichards18, @jessicasimpson, @donaldjtrumpjr / Instagram
Hey there, it’s me again! Remember exactly one week ago, when I told you all about Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan, and how they were the most important Gen-Z couple you needed to know? Well, in a turn of events that honestly seems very appropriate, they’ve already broken up. Is this what whiplash feels like? As expected, Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan had one of the messiest Instagram breakups in recent memory, and I’m here to guide you through the twists and turns. It’s literally so difficult to keep up with these kids, but let’s all try our best to get through this together.
It all started when Xan posted this cryptic Instagram Story that was obviously about Noah. I mean, yikes. No context, no evidence, and lots of fans that immediately started having panic attacks. I’m already tired.
Luckily, Xan wasn’t in the mood to keep things cryptic for long, so he followed up with more Insta Stories, this time talking about what happened. Sort of. He explains that his song with Noah is canceled and won’t be getting a video, and also that he feels very used. Also, I know the man in these videos is 21, but I just cannot stop thinking that he is in 9th grade. SIR, ARE YOU 14?
This, dear reader, is where our story takes a bizarre turn. Enter, Noah Cyrus. On her Insta story, Noah posted a screenshot of her text convo with Xan, where she sent a meme of Charlie Puth’s head photoshopped on a porn star’s body. ???????? I don’t know the origin of this meme, but Noah said that this meme is what made Xan think Noah was cheating on him. I’m sorry, what? Okay, so this raises a few important questions. 1) Has Lil Xan never seen a photo of Charlie Puth? Have they never met? Lil Xan should definitely be aware of Charlie Puth. 2) Does Lil Xan not recognize that this photo is obviously of a gay porn star? Like, if Noah was sleeping with some dude and took a photo of him, it would not look like this. 3) Why am I turned on by this photo of Charlie Puth’s head on a porn star’s body???
[Noah Liked] So this is the text conversation that Noah says it what's making Diego claim she's cheating. No offense Diego, but you're overreacting way too much if this is true. Why would you jump to such a conclusion over something like This? It's a photoshopped photo of Charlie Puth… you think Noah would take a photo of a naked dude and send it to you? Whatever. This is beyond upsetting. I feel really bad for Noah. @noahcyrus @xanxiety #noahcyrus #lilxan
Personally I think that finding this “meme” funny is breakup-worthy in and of itself. But okay, so the Charlie Puth thing is funny and very strange, but now I’m sad because Noah did an Instagram Live (dear God why), where she told her young fans to be careful in relationships. As she was sobbing into the camera (please girl, get off Instagram), she said she didn’t do anything she’s getting accused of, and that she didn’t know anything was wrong until she woke up to a text from her mom asking what was going on. If that’s true, it’s pretty messed up. I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I definitely feel like I’m #TeamNoah.
This is beyond upsetting… it really got to me when she started sobbing. This isn't fair to her. I know we don't know the whole situation, but from what's been shown so far, it seems the Diego is overreacting and accusing Noah of something she never did. Hopefully he checks himself and rethinks the way he's been acting. Disgusting. @noahcyrus @xanxiety #noahcyrus #lilxan
By this time, Noah and Xan had unfollowed each other on Instagram, which is probably for the best.
*WE NOW INTERRUPT OUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING FOR THIS VIDEO OF LIL XAN PEEING ON HIS PLATINUM RECORD*
*OKAY THAT’S ALL NOW BACK TO THE DRAMA*
Meanwhile, Lil Xan posted on his story that the breakup had nothing to do with the Charlie Puth meme, but instead this photo that Noah posted with an EDM producer named Ookay. Now, I understand that this photo looks like it could be a little suspect with no additional context, but the fact that Noah literally posted it to her public Instagram feed really makes me think there’s nothing shady going on. Like, she’s a singer and he’s a producer, they were probably recording together or something. I really feel like Xan is overreacting, and I hate that I have an opinion on this.
Now, we enter this tragic story’s gripping final act (for now). We’ve been through the cheating accusations made against Noah Cyrus, but what about Lil Xan? Well, Noah claims he was cheating on her!!! Holy projection, Batman! In a series of Instagram stories that are just text (my favorite genre of book), she claims that he was hanging out with this other girl at 2am, and then he had a hickey the next day. DUN DUN DUN. He claims it’s “just a bruise,” but never in the history of blood vessels has anything else caused a bruise like that on the side of your neck.
More photos showing Diego's hickey that he claims is just a "bruise". I don't believe it. That's totally a hickey. He's scum for getting a hickey from another girl then going to a public event and being photographed with it showing like that. He doesn't even have the decency to hide that he's cheating on her. I. Am. Disgusted. @noahcyrus @xanxiety #noahcyrus #lilxan
Are you exhausted? I’m exhausted. I can’t wait for a few years from now, when we can all laugh about this and they make it into a movie and the little boy from Big Little Lies wins his second Oscar for playing Lil Xan. For now, we can probably expect a lot more shady Instagram stories and Live feeds, but I cannot guarantee that I will keep paying attention. Stay in school kids, or else you could end up like this.
Images: @noahanddiego / Instagram (5); @xanxiety / Instagram; @noahcyrus / Instagram
As your trusted pop culture correspondent, it’s my job to stay up-to-date with all the important happenings in Hollywood, but it’s not always easy. Sometimes, a story comes across my desk that just makes me feel old. This is one of those times. Today, I’m here to educate you on the newest, trendiest couple in the celeb-verse, Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan. Who? What? Why? I share all of these questions, but we’re going to get through this together. Who are Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan, why do people care about them, and should I? Stay with me, and all will be revealed. And yes, to answer your next question, we are all ancient.
We’ll start with the easiest part to understand. Noah Cyrus is Miley Cyrus’ younger sister, and she does music. She’s only 18 years old, but I would honestly believe it if you told me she was 35. She has an interesting look. She looks like if you turned Miley Cyrus into a porcelain doll, dyed her hair black, and then just like, stretched her out a little bit, but not in a bad way? If that sounds mean, I’ll just say that she looks a lot like Miley (which is a compliment), and way better than Lil Xan. But we’ll get to him in a minute.
Noah started out as a child actor, mostly just appearing in shows and movies for kids, including as a backup dancer in The Hannah Montana Movie. Wonder how she got that job. In 2016, Noah pivoted to a career in music, and since then she’s released a handful of singles that are at least mildly catchy. She’s making the same kind of moody, chill pop music as a million other 18/19-year-old girls right now (Madison Beer, Sabrina Carpenter, Carlie Hanson, Bea Miller, not that I’m into this sort of thing).
*As I sat there, staring at Lil Xan’s Instagram and thinking about the college degree that I have, I couldn’t help but wonder, do I have to?*
Here I am, doing what needs to be done. Lil Xan (real name Diego Leanos) is a 21-year-old from outside of LA, and he’s one of those special humans that we like to call SoundCloud rappers. Basically, that means that he has face tattoos and has probably done a lot of drugs in his parents’ basement. He actually used to sell drugs, but now he’s anti-drugs. This might seem ironic, considering that he’s literally named after Xanax, but he’s talked about changing his stage name to Diego. Unclear if that’s actually going to happen, but I won’t hold my breath.
Lil Xan released his first album, Total Xanarchy, in April of this year, and the reviews were less than glowing. In The Guardian’s official review, Ben Beaumont-Thomas said that “I can confidently report that there are no good lyrics on this album.” Yikes. The album has 16 songs, which is like six too many, and it’s honestly exhausting. He’s no Kendrick Lamar, I’ll just say that.
Noah Cyrus & Lil Xan
Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan went public with their relationship back in July, when they both started posting Instagrams and stories of themselves basically cuddling and making out. It’s fun that more celeb couples are being public these days, but this whole thing feels a little like a bootleg Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson. Sorry Noah and Xan, but they already won the summer couple game this year. My favorite thing about them going public as a couple is that basically everyone was angry about it. Xan’s fans weren’t happy, Noah’s fans weren’t happy, and I’m still not happy that I even know who these people are. It’s 2018, and we just cannot have nice things.
Much like Pete and Ariana, the timeline of their relationship is really intriguing. The photo above was posted on July 30, and it seems safe to assume that this wasn’t the first day they were dating each other. But let’s take a time machine back to June 20, when Noah dropped a song featuring Tanner Alexander—who was her current boyfriend. Tanner is basically a rando, and it’s very unclear when he and Noah stopped dating, but she clearly moved on quickly. Last week, she and Xan released their first song together, so they’re either in it for the long haul, or they’ll be broken up by the time you read this.
The happy couple made their public debut together last week at the VMAs, and it was a lot. Noah looked good in a gold foil bikini and baggy pants, and Xan was wearing custom Off-White, which I can’t really hate on because I wish I could wear custom Off-White. Except I can kind of hate on it, because it was the VMAs, not Netflix and chill at a random apartment?? Put on some real pants—ok, you’re right, I’m aging myself. Outfits aside, they went viral for red carpet photos where he’s basically smashing his face into hers while she’s posing nicely for the camera.
Wow, this whole thing makes me feel very old. At least now you’ll be able to keep up with the youths in your life when they’re talking about Lil Xan. Thank god. Now please excuse me, I need to go listen to some Aretha Franklin to remember what music is supposed to sound like.
Images: @noahcyrus / Instagram (3); @xanxiety / Instagram