Nicole Richie Is Coming Out With A New Show That Looks Hilarious

If you’re running out of shows to watch during your quarantine, thankfully there’s some new content coming next week. Next Monday, the new streaming service Quibi launches, with tons of new shows, all with episodes under 10 minutes. Thank god, because that’s the exact length of my attention span these days. Shows to look forward to include Chrissy’s Courthosted by Chrissy Teigen, and Tyler Cameron’s new show BarkitectureBut there’s a new contender for Quibi show I’m most excited for: Nikki Fre$h, starring Nicole Richie.

I’ve always loved Nicole Richie—I basically grew up on The Simple Life—but in the past few years, I feel like she’s really come into her own. She’s hilarious, seems super happy with her adorable family, and is loves showing off her million pets and gorgeous homegrown plants on Instagram. Nicole has always been quirky, and she’s not afraid to get weird in whatever she does. In her new show, she “unites her passions for Mother Earth and hip hop into her eponymous alter ego, Nikki Fre$h.” Sounds wild, tell me more.

Basically, Nicole Richie loves the the planet and she loves hip-hop music, and what more do you need to make a reality show? In the new trailer for the show, we get a glimpse at the artistic mission that drives Nikki Fre$h. She wants to make “conscious trap,” a new genre that is “music for everybody: teachers, rabbis, Virgos… but mostly moms and gays.” This sounds like… something I absolutely want.

One of the trailer’s best moments is when she meets Bill Nye (yes, the Science Guy), and introduces herself as “a gardener, a speaker for the bees, and a trap icon.” Whatever is going on here, I already know I’m going to love it. And behind whatever ridiculous outfits she’s wearing for her even more ridiculous music videos, there’s an actual purpose to the show. Through the show, Nicole “will interact with real life seekers and consciousness experts to learn ways to better serve our bodies and our planet—while comedically exaggerating those solutions to the edge of sanity.” Considering we’re all at the edge of sanity right now, this sounds perfect.

If you were a fan of Nicole’s previous reality show Candidly Nicole,the new show has the same showrunner and executive producer, so we’re definitely in for a treat. And if you haven’t seen Candidly Nicole, it’s amazing, so get on that right f*cking now. Nikki Fre$h premieres along with the Quibi launch on April 6th, and according to the trailer, there will be new episodes every single day. What did we do to deserve this? Oh right, we’ve all been locked in our houses for three weeks. Whatever, at least this show will make us all laugh.

Images: Quibi; Quibi / YouTube

The Shortest Celebrity Jail Stints Ever

Surprise, surprise! On Friday, Felicity Huffman was released from jail after serving 11 days of her 14-day sentence. In case you live under a rock, the former Desperate Housewife was put behind bars for paying $15,000 in the college admissions scam for her daughter to cheat on the SATs and boost her test scores. Yeah, the SATs are hard AF, but obviously this isn’t okay. It’s good that she got punished for what she did, but do 11 days in jail even really count, though? 

To celebrate Felicity’s freedom after her truly grueling sentence, we decided to take a look back at some of the shortest celebrity jail stints of all time. It’s no big secret that the criminal justice system in our country is f*cked up, so yeah, these celebs probably got some special treatment. It sucks, but are you surprised?

Nicole Richie: 82 Minutes

Nicole Richie wins for shortest time in jail, like, ever. In 2007, she served 82 minutes in jail while five months pregnant, and was released due to overcrowding. I feel like it’s really irresponsible and stressful to be put in jail while you’re pregnant, especially if it’s that crowded and people can accidentally squish your pregnant belly? Idk, I don’t really know what jail is like. It is important to note that she wasn’t pregnant yet when she got arrested for a DUI, which would have been like, double irresponsible. Still not a great look tho, Nicole.

 Lindsay Lohan: 84 Minutes

I’ve loved Lindsay Lohan since her Dad’s 26-year-old fiancé wanted to ship her off to Switzerland (oh wait, that wasn’t real?), and no matter how messy she’s turned out to be, I’ll always be by her side. Everyone remembers LiLo’s downfall after being one of the biggest movie stars of the early 2000s, and this jail sentence was at the peak of it all. She was arrested for—you guessed it!—drunk driving and possession of drugs, and was released early because of—you guessed it!—overcrowding. I feel like the mani pedi LiLo got for her court appearance probably took more time than she spent in jail. Hopefully she took the whole 84 minutes to think about her actions and turn her life around, but considering some of her more recent erratic behavior.

Khloé Kardashian: 3 hours

Before the age of selfies, before iPhones existed, before Instagram and Snapchat were a thing, Kim Kardashian did something that would turn out to be one of her most iconic moments. I will never forget the legendary moment when Kim wouldn’t stop taking pictures of herself while her sister, Khloé, was going to jail. Ultimately, Khloé was in jail for only three hours for violating probation from a DUI arrest, and people only remember it because of Kim’s self-obsessed selfie taking in the car on the way there. Kris Jenner saying “Kim, would you stop taking pictures? Your sister’s going to jail” honestly needs to be written on my grave. Of course, Khloé going to jail for three hours has turned into an entire paragraph about Kim. Ugh, Kim is such a selfish attention whore, and I absolutely love her for it.

Shia LaBeouf: 1 Day

Shia LaBeouf seems kinda random now, but he was in Holes, which was one of my literal favorite books/movies growing up. Although thinking about it now, I’m starting to realize that a plot about a boy being wrongfully sent to a brutal camp where the camp warden forces him to mysteriously dig holes is kind of abusive and f*cked up. Anyway, Shia went to jail for a single day for being really drunk in a hotel lobby. Apparently, he asked a bystander for a cigarette and when the person refused, Shia started swearing and yelling loudly in public. When the police told him to leave, he became aggressive toward the officer and ran to a nearby hotel where he was arrested. Don’t you kind of feel like one day in jail is a solid punishment for being an asshole?

Paul McCartney: 9 Days

Paul McCartney is massively famous for being a member of The Beatles, but there was one time in 1980 when he was also a massive dumbass. That year, he went to jail for nine days for being caught in Tokyo with half a pound of marijuana—at the airport. Paul, why the f*ck were you bringing marijuana to the airport? Well, obviously he didn’t care that much about going behind bars, because when he was released, he used his mugshot photo as a cover for his album. Thanks, jail!

Obviously, going to jail or prison is nothing to take lightly, but luckily for these celebs, their fame pretty much negated any actual effect it could’ve had on their careers. We’re still waiting to see what Lori Loughlin’s sentence will be for the college admissions scandal, but I have a feeling her treatment won’t be much different from any of these people.

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)

UPDATED: Ariana Grande’s New Tattoo Proves She’s All Of Us

Stars—they’re… not like us at all, actually. They’re wealthier, better looking, and (sometimes) more talented at multiple things than most of us are at any one thing. That makes the temptation to relate to them both baffling and sensible at the same time. On the one hand, they’re impossible to relate to, but on the other hand, what fun is it to try to connect with someone who’s already like you? Yes Allisyn, it’s very cool that you’re trying intermittent fasting for the fourth time, but I’m more interested in Cardi B’s new Lamborghini. But if Ariana Grande’s new tattoo is any indication, sometimes it’s indeed possible for a celebrity to fall ass-backwards into relatability.

As you may be aware, Ari’s latest song is “7 Rings,” a tune about how Ariana and her friends are the last people on Earth to actually shop in physical brick and mortar stores. It’s become a minor hit, because who the hell knew that getting involved with one of the least-used players on an SNL cast full of not useful people was the ticket to having everything you touch (or sing) turn to gold? And because everything 1998 is new again, the almost-Mrs. Davidson decided it would be rad as hell to include some Asian characters in the graphics. In this case, the characters were Japanese, as seen in the video:

Cool, cool. It checks out, those characters translate to “7 rings” in Japanese. Not sure why she’s going all Gwen Stefani here, but there’s a reason she’s a famous singer and I’m not. Things got less cool, however, when Ari decided to celebrate the song’s success by getting a tattoo (an idea that’s never backfired on her in the past). In what I’m interpreting as a testament to how difficult it is for an artist to make money in the modern streaming economy, Ariana Grande’s new tattoo cuts a few corners, opting to only ink the Japanese characters for “7” and “wheels,” i.e., rings:

【Instagramより】
アリアナがまた日本語のタトゥーを追加!今度はなんと漢字で「七輪」????
「みんなこれは私の手じゃないって思っているみたいだけど、本当に私の手よ????」とコメントしています。
「七つの指輪」を略して「七輪」かな????????とても気に入っているよう????#アリアナ pic.twitter.com/wR55jgu7FU

— アリアナ・グランデ JP公式 (@ariana_japan) January 30, 2019


While that’s all well and good, there’s one teensy problem: it doesn’t mean what she thinks it means. According to Kotaku (a site for nerds), while those characters do mean “7” and “wheels” separately, when you put together they mean something else entirely: “shichirin,” or a small charcoal grill used in Japanese BBQ.  That’s literally it—it’s a simple clay or metal pot with a little steel grate over it for cooking (you can get a little crappy one on Amazon for $13 if you’re already planning this year’s ironic Halloween costume).

アリアナが七輪のタトゥー入れてる笑 pic.twitter.com/9Jj4Fs2hIE

— at (@aoi80550747) January 30, 2019

UPDATE: Ari has pulled off the rare and coveted double tattoo screw-up. On the advice of her Japanese tutor (something she definitely does not have), she added the character for “finger” (and a heart, for some reason). The only tiny problem is that she didn’t put it where the tutor told her to put it, so her tattoo is still nonsense. It now means something like “Japanese BBQ finger.” So she now LOVES Japanese BBQ, and also fingers.

So what have we learned from Ariana Grande’s new tattoo? Plenty. I submit that this is really the moment she went from robot to regular person. Consider how much this one small thing means we have in common:

Do I do things impulsively? The pile of Amazon boxes waiting for me to recycle them seems to indicate “yes.”
Do I think Asian calligraphy is cool for no good reason? I owned a hat like this in high school.
Do I actually speak or understand Japanese? Haha, no.
Is Japanese BBQ delicious? Unequivocally.
Am I an idiot? The biggest, possibly.

There you have it, Ariana Grande’s new tattoo means that she’s just like us and probably that she and I could hang out for like 15-20 minutes before I would want to throw myself in front of an oncoming train. Maybe we could go to one of America’s few remaining shopping malls and she could buy me something.

But lest you think I’m picking on Ariana, consider that she’s not even close to the only celebrity to do a dumb and bad tattoo—in fact, it’s probably easier to make a list of celebs who haven’t. But here’s a small sample:

Rihanna

RihannaRi is the proud owner of not one, but two tattoo screw-ups: One on her neck in French that, due to grammatical errors, translates to “flower rebel,” and one in Sanskrit on her side that’s supposed to say “forgiveness” but actually says nothing, because it’s misspelled.

Britney Spears

Rising to fame in the 90s, it’s maybe not a surprise that she also fell victim to a misunderstood Asian character tattoo. She wanted “mysterious” tattooed on her pubic bone area (the most 90s tattoo location) in Chinese, but what she got translated to “strange” instead. Weird flex, but ok.

Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera TattooPerpetually playing second fiddle to Britney, Christina also got in on the bad tattoo action. In her case, she wanted the initials of her then-husband Jordan Bratman on her arm in Hebrew. Instead she got “12,” which is pretty much the same if you think about it.

Hayden Panettiere

Hayden Panettiere TattooSome tattoos are misspelled, but a select few do so with some delicious irony. Hayden wanted “live without regrets” tattooed down her ribcage in Italian, but the artist misspelled it. It rules that now she cannot look at her own tattoo without doing the thing the tattoo expressly tells her not to.

Nicole Richie

Nicole Richie TattooNicole Richie may now be heralded for her ideas and designs as a fashion mogul, but one design she regrets is her tattoo. Nicole is a virgo, so when she was 16 she thought it would be edgy as hell if she instead got “virgin” tattooed on her wrist. It’s not, but no one knows that better than she does.

Images: Ariana Grande/YouTube, Ariana Grande Japan/Twitter, at/Twitter; Getty Images (5)

10 Random Things You Forgot Paris Hilton Did

As someone who grew up in the 2000s at the height of celebrity socialite culture, Paris Hilton is basically my Jesus. I don’t go to church, but if Paris Hilton started a cult, I know I’d probably drink the Kool-Aid. If Scott Disick is the Lord, then Paris is the Virgin Mary. Or something. Do I sound crazy? Sorry, I’m just a little busy respecting my elders over here.

Tomorrow, February 17, is Queen Paris’ birthday, and she’ll be 37 years old. She clearly either has good genes or good doctors, because she truly doesn’t look a day over 30. Paris, call me, I want to ask you some questions about your skincare regimen. As a special tribute for her special day, we decided to take a look back at some of her most random, ridiculous, extra moments. If Paris Hilton is anything, she’s extra as FUCK. This woman has absolutely no fucks to give, and why should she? She’s rich, she’s hot, she’s popular. Okay, if we went to school together she definitely wouldn’t have been friends with me. Either way, here are all the random reasons we love Paris Hilton.

1. She Had A TV Show To Find A Best Friend

Paris Hilton

Okay, we love Paris, but, like, who does this? It’s actually the most extra thing we can imagine. You also can’t forget about when she did a version in England to find her British BFF, because everyone should have at least one best friend in every country. Really, we’re just happy Tinkerbell had a say in the matter.

2. She And Nicole Richie Agreed To Do ‘The Simple Life’

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie on The Simple Life

I’m honestly still in awe that this show ever happened. I’d love to know exactly what made these two rich betches from LA sign up to live on a farm and do manual labor, because I would need a lot of money to do that and I’m poor af to begin with. Just remember, you can call me Princess Paris or Bitch, nothing else.

3. And Then She Agreed To Do Four More Seasons

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie on The Simple Life

But like, thank God this show happened. It never gets old, and the gifs are seriously great. There’s nothing else that’s quite as early 2000s as The Simple Life, from the crispy hair and fake tans to the legitimately awful video quality. Seriously, what did we do before HD TVs were invented?

4. She Attempted A Music Career In 2006

Okay, now I’m going to have “Stars Are Blind” on repeat for the rest of the day. Paris Hilton might not be a gifted vocalist, and I’m still not convinced she didn’t just hire Gwen Stefani for the vocals and not tell anyone, but you can’t claim that this song isn’t at least moderately catchy. The music video is blissfully grainy, truly allowing Paris to live her vintage lounge singer fantasy.

5. And Then She Revived That Music Career On Valentine’s Day This Year

Why aren’t more people talking about this??? Paris Hilton celebrated her first Valentine’s Day as an engaged woman by dropping a music video for a new song, which is basically just her speak-singing for three minutes about how much she loves her man. Our favorite part is when she’s posed on a couch (shaped like lips, natch) next to a Birkin bag. She’s a motherfucking icon.

6. She Traveled The World As A DJ

Paris Hilton

No DJ set is complete without Chanel gloves, obvs. Paris is famous for her yearly summer DJ residence in Ibiza, where she shoots foam into a crowd of coked-up European tourists who probably don’t even realize that it’s her. She’s also DJ’d in India and Mykonos, because, like, same. It’s unclear how serious she is about being an actual DJ, but we’re here for the fantasy.

7. She Made Kim Kardashian Organize Her Entire Closet

Kim Kardashian organizing Paris Hilton closet

You literally can’t get further from the Kim of 2018 than hearing her say, “Yes, Paris,” to Paris’s demands. Kim must honestly be haunted by the fact that her hard labor was caught on camera, but she worked her way up. Paris, meanwhile, probably has a messy-ass closet, unless she’s found some other desperate celebrity wannabe to organize it for her. I wonder what Jonathan Cheban is doing…

8. Paris Hilton Literally Gave Birth to Kim Kardashian

Paris Hilton

The Kardashians should probably write Paris a big fat check if they don’t want the Hilton mafia at their door. And by the Hilton mafia, I basically just mean Kyle and Kim Richards. Did you know they’re related to Paris? Because they only manage to mention it like ten times per episode of RHOBH. Love ya girlies, hope Kim is doing okay.

9. She’s Made Like, 100 Different Perfumes

#ValentinesDay is almost here! Get the perfect #Valentine Gift for your love???? My new @RoseRushFragrance! A sexy bottle with the most beautiful scent! ???? (Link in bio☝️)

A post shared by Paris Hilton (@parishilton) on

Do we think Rosé Rush is edible as well? I’ve never thought about the possibilities of a combination wine/perfume, but honestly it would make sense. Paris has also recently branched out into making fragrances for men, because what self-respecting man wouldn’t want to buy a bottle of Paris Hilton cologne? She’s giving the gays everything they want this year.

10. She Made “That’s Hot” Hot

Paris Hilton That's Hot

Is it bad that now I kind of want a trucker hat? I’m still not sure I’m feeling those sunglasses, but Paris must have sent Von Dutch’s trucker hat sales through the roof. I still say “that’s hot” at least 17 times in daily conversation, because what the fuck else would I say? We love a legend.

So happy birthday to Paris, and god bless her extra shit. She’s a pop culture icon, and if you disagree then literally why are you on this website? We don’t know what Paris’s birthday wish will be, but we’re wishing that Nicole Richie will text her on her birthday, that she’ll have a beautiful flawless wedding, and that all her millions of miniature pets will have another year of good health. Also seriously, what skincare products does she use?

Images: Giphy (7); @parishilton / Instagram

10 Iconic Moments From ‘The Simple Life’ That Are Literally All Of Us

It’s been almost 10 years since The Simple Life first aired (Jesus, we’re old) and I, for one, mourn its loss every day. If you didn’t watch this show then I can only assume you were one of the few girls in my middle school class whose yearbook photo did not include blue clip-on hair extensions from Claire’s (an iconic look from the show) and, subsequently, years of regret. You lucky bitches. If you did watch this show then you know that Paris and Nicole were the gift that kept on giving. Tbh I’ve never felt more a part of the 99 percent’s inner circle than when watching those bitches shudder at doing chores and call one another sluts in front of a Midwestern homemaker in a “Jesus Loves Me” sweater. Kindred. Spirits. I already know that if I were older, richer, and living in the 90210 I would totally have been a valued member of their squad. Definitely ranked above Kim K aka their closet cleaner. Definitely. Paris and Nicole also had some truly timeless advice for young betches growing up. From fashion to love to work ethic they kept it the realest. So in honor of the show’s 10 year anniversary (again, kill me I’m so ancient) here are 10 times Paris and Nicole were literally us:

1. When they were soooo down to earth

The Simple Life

Celebrities, they’re just like us! Except instead of asking for 25 cents I’m usually asking for, like, $49, 604. Similar, but different.

2. When they came up with this genius life hack:

Simple Life Life Hack

^me anytime my boss asks me to order supplies. Um, do I not look busy to you rn? Yes, I might be 100 percent using my work computer to google Bachelorette conspiracy theories but that’s neither here nor there, CAROL.

3. That time people were trying to get in the way of Paris living her best life

Paris Hilton The Simple Life

A classic line and one I have used numerous times on friends who refuse to let me live my best life sit and binge watch Netflix for hours. You’re never more blessed then when you’re sitting in a dark room with you and your four closest TV shows.

4. When they made you realize that you should never chase after a boy

The Simple Life

Sage advice and words I whisper to myself every time I lie awake at night and wonder why no one has messaged me first on Bumble.

5. When they proved they’d make amazing housewives

The Simple Life

Honestly, same. Betches know that chores are for peasants, but seeing as I am a peasant live in Brooklyn I’m constantly internally debating if I should pay someone to clean my apartment (lol like I can afford Handy) or pay rent. A Sophie’s Choice, if you will. I’m with Nicole on this one though. You can’t expect me to be funny, pretty, AND able to wash a dish. Sorry, not gonna happen.

6. That time they educated America’s youth and gave some v important life advice

The Simple Life Bra Stuffing

Any true betch knows that if you hope to make it in this world have a thriving Instagram account then you should never allow the world to see your natural self. You think life’s tough now, kid, just wait until you’re competing with the Ariel Winters of this world. Stuffing your bra will be the least of your worries, honey.

7. When they were creative problem solvers

The Simple Life Parking Ticket

^An exact thought that runs through my mind every time the MTA tries to screw me write me a ticket for walking through without swiping.

8. This iconic fight:

The Simple Life Blue Fur

Honestly, how could you? I don’t even want to get started on the heinous fashion choices featured on this show (colored hair extensions, bedazzled graphic tees, CHANDELIER BELLY JEWELRY), but Nicole did grow up to run a thriving fashion line so, like, #ImWithHer.

9. That time Nicole just DGAF

The Simple Life

Aside from the fact that they’re both dead inside, they also blatantly gave zero fucks throughout the show. I don’t remember this episode specifically but I can only assume that they’re about to crash this truck and/or ruin someone’s livelihood, and then call their rich daddies to transfer more money into their accounts. Never change, girls. Never change.

10. When Paris made you realize that we’re all just Heiresses at heart

The Simple Life

If there’s one thing this show has taught me, it’s to live life like a heiress who’s been momentarily separated from her wealth. Some people might call that living “irresponsibly” or “above my means” but tbh it just sounds like jealousy to me. So thanks Paris and Nicole, the world will never forget you, your wise words, or your horrible hair extensions.