Just this week, I was thinking how sad I am that Vanderpump Rules is in its off season. (Yes, I have a rich and full life, don’t @ me.) Then, as if answering my prayers, Kristen Doute ‘Grammed something last night that required—nay, DEMANDED—my attention. Please see Kristen’s post announcing the pregnancy of Josh Peck’s wife below. Yes, Kristen Doute and Josh Peck not only know who the other is, but they know each other well enough to post about major life events.
Yep, you read that right. Kristen Doute, T-shirt designer and resident Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, will soon be “Auntie Kristen” to the child of Josh Peck. AKA Josh from Drake & Josh. Josh, the Oprah-loving nerd who has no business being old enough to have children!!! If you listen carefully, you can hear the sound of my childhood exploding. And the sound of me scouring the internet for old episodes of Drake & Josh. And of my weekend being lost to a ‘90’s nostalgia binge watch. Anyway.
Beyond the dubious wisdom of allowing Kristen Doute near your baby, there’s an obvious question here. WHAT is the connection between Kristen Doute and Josh Peck? This isn’t just Kristen weirdly stanning—Josh Peck commented “Love youuuuuu” on her IG, and his wife commented “We love you so much!” So, something’s up. Luckily, these two are both avid enough users of social media that I was able to find the answers. After a little digging, here’s what I found.
They’ve Been Friends For Years
According to this tweet, Josh was one of Kristen’s first friends when she moved to LA. Try as I might, I can’t find exactly what year that was. But her first IMDB credit is 2010, and season 1 of Vanderpump Rules filmed in 2012, so let’s say somewhere in that range. Either way, it’s been a 5+ year friendship, and she’s a big fan of his wife.
— kristen doute ???? (@kristendoute) June 20, 2017
Their Tweet Relationship Is A Little One-Sided
I pointed out earlier that Josh and Paige commented on Kristen’s Instagram for a reason. If you looked at their Twitter interactions alone, it would be kind of hard to tell whether he and Kristen were real friends, or she was just a fan. I’m not exactly rock solid on decoding Twitter relationships, but the fact that she’s retweeting him and replying—and he’s not so much as liking those retweets—seemed a little off to me. I’m not calling Kristen a liar, but I’m not calling her a truther either.
“@PortableShua: Trapped https://t.co/TRAbJ8afbD” Ohh kid, I just started vining. It's on. ????
— kristen doute ???? (@kristendoute) April 28, 2013
“@PortableShua: Life isn't all Nachos and Nicki Minaj” …but it should be. #housewivestagline
— kristen doute ???? (@kristendoute) January 25, 2015
Josh Peck May Have Auditioned For ‘VPR’
In a since-deleted post (SOB) from March 2017, Josh wrote the following caption. “@paigeobrienn and I auditioning for #pumprules season 6. @twschwa @kristendoute.” Was this probably a joke? Yeah, though there’s NO WAY OF KNOWING without the picture. Now that the option has been opened to me, I feel like I can’t move on without knowing what a picture of Josh Peck pretending to be auditioning for VPR looks like. But anyway, this caption brings us one other piece of important information: Josh is ALSO friends with Schwartz. Maybe the three of them kicked it back in the day before Kristen introduced Katie and Tom? Maybe Katie secretly hates Josh, and she’s the reason they don’t hang out anymore. Maybe there’s a whole spin-off/crossover Drake & Josh in the works about it…okay, okay. A girl can dream.
Ultimately, Josh and Schwartz’s friendship is shrouded in even more mystery than Kristen Doute and Josh Peck’s. In fact, Schwartz didn’t even like Kristen’s IG post congratulating them—but Katie did. Then again, Katie probably has an alert on her phone for when Kristen posts. She seems like that kind of friend. Let’s hope now that Kristen has declared her Josh love to the world, the rest of the VPR cast will have no choice but to follow suit. I’ll leave you with @katelyn_lately’s comment on Kristen’s Instagram, where she says what we’re all thinking. Enjoy your weekends—I know my Nickelodeon-bingeing ass will.
Thanks to the tireless efforts of The Spice Girls, the 90s were all about girl power. That’s why the decade served up a healthy dose of crimped-haired role models, most of whom were portrayed by Melissa Joan Hart, to provide us with hours upon hours of unrealistic expectations of what middle schoolers look like. Whether they were on Nickelodeon, Disney Channel, or a part of ABC’s TGIF lineup (aka the best night of television that has ever existed), these 90s female protagonists helped us to answer some of life’s most difficult questions like, “When should I get a bra,” and “Is butter a carb” in a time when Googling shit on your phone was not an option and logging onto the internet took like 45 minutes. These chicks range from narc-y AF to full-on badass betches that have absolutely 0 fucks to give, especially with regard to the rules set by their parents. So you’re probably wondering who is the most, and least, betchy of them all? Well, I’m about to fucking tell you. Chill.
10. Ren Stevens (Even Stevens)
Ren Stevens is a fucking narc. In all 65 episodes (ya I Googled it) and one Disney Channel Original Movie, we never figured out WTF Ren’s problem was. She was supposed to be the older, smarter, more responsible and generally just put-together sibling—so why was her #1 hobby ratting on Louis? I would say get a hobby, but Ren is the editor of the school newspaper and the yearbook, did cheerleading for a hot second, and is the assistant to the principal, so where does she find the time to be a snitch on top of all that? That’s not a rhetorical question, btw. Pls lmk. And let’s discuss “Ren.” What kind of wack-ass nickname is “Ren”? Your parents gave you a p betchy name, Renee, and you abbreviate it to a monosyllabic name for a small bird? WHY?
9. Alex Mac (The Secret World Of Alex Mac)
Alex Mac is a total WGG. First, her name is Alex Mac—you know anybody with a name like that “prefers hanging out with guys” because “girls are too much drama.” Her signature look is a backwards baseball cap and some overalls, FFS. Are you a high school girl or my plumber? I can’t tell. And her main super power was the ability to transform into a puddle of silver liquid. What the shit is that? Why don’t people on this show notice when a puddle of silver liquid THAT MOVES suddenly appears on the floor? This is the worst invisibility knock-off I’ve ever seen. Eighth place for you.
8. Ginger Foutley (As Told By Ginger)
Ginger, Ginger, Ginger, where do I even start with you? Your name is Ginger and you’re a Ginger, which is real inventive baby naming on the part of your parents. Okay, back to third person because this apostrophe is getting confusing. Ginger has some pretty lame-ass friends. She’s got Dodie who, if you couldn’t tell by her name, is the mom of the friend group in heinous purple lipstick. And not even the mom in the good way like she’ll take care of you when you’re drunk—the overprotective mom who won’t even let you have a sip of her wine at your 18th birthday party. And then you’ve got Macie, the fucking Little Seal Girl with the perpetual sinus infection who sounds like she was fathered by Darth Vader. Ginger would be on her way to popularity with Courtney and Miranda if she would just drop her loser friends.
“But shouldn’t she get points for loyalty?” you ask. Not when one of your friends is basically the kid version of Susan, the overweight office gossip, and the other is that kid from Hey Arnold! who just breathes loudly all the time. Now that I’ve spent half my life bitching about minor characters, let’s talk about Ginger. She journals, which is probably an activity in the nicegirl Olympics. However, she is a pretty good writer so at least she makes use of it. She’s so good, in fact, that when she writes an emo poem she’s able to convince half she school she’s legit suicidal, which earns her a ton of attention. Nicely played. Ginger definitely has betch potential. Right now she’s in betch-in-training mode, and if she ever drops the nice girl routine she’ll be the baddest betch in high school. Also I just wanted to make a shoutout to Daryl, who had the best glow-up of all time. That is all.
7. Lizzie McGuire (Lizzie McGuire)
Lizzie McGuire has all the makings of a betch-in-training, and I wish I had my own personalized cartoon following me around to say what I was really thinking. Hold up, is that like, a bitmoji? Did Lizzie McGuire invent bitmojis? She certainly invented trying to fit over a thousand butterfly clips into your hair at once. Or at least, she perfected it. Lizzie spends most of her time during the show bitching about Kate Sanders, who used to be her best friend but now is too popular for her and also has a comparable collection of butterfly clips, which is probably the real reason Lizzie is so pissed. What Lizzie really needed to do to become a full time betch would be to push Kate in front of a bus and take the Spring Fling crown for herself, but Lizzie is too much of a nicegirl to do that. And that’s why you ended up with Gordo, whose name means “fat” in Spanish, and not Ethan Craft, whose hotness honestly defied all laws of physics.
6. Brace Face (Braceface)
Brace Face’s real name was Sharon Spitz—could she possibly have been more of a JAB? Answer: Yes, if her character was voiced by Alicia Silverstone aka Cher Horowitz. Which it was. For the first two seasons. Anyway. Like any JAB, Sharon’s BFF is the TAB aka Token Asian Betch, but her reputation takes a major hit for hanging out with a dude named Connor who’s literally known as “the walking sneeze.” Sharon’s had some betchy moments, like when she harassed her mom into letting her get a tattoo of “Freedom” in Chinese—which later turned out to actually translate to “grapefruit.” Classic. However, basically every time Sharon opened her mouth something embarrassing would happen with her braces—like her braces tuning into some nearby radio waves. For most betches with an ounce of awareness, this would be a fucking jackpot. You’d recruit some nerdy nicegirl to help tune your braces so you could add your name to the Oscars invite list, or like, at least unsend that embarrassing drunk text you sent. Sharon, however, did none of those things and instead adopted the “Why is everything happening to me?” attitude. She had real potential considering the hand that was dealt to her, so she’s not last, but a true betch would manipulate the fuck out of this situation to her advantage.
5. Daria (Daria)
Sure, Daria is cool and hilarious now, but that’s only because it’s trendy to stay in and be clinically depressed. A little history on Daria: She began as a character on Beavis and Butthead before getting her own show. Like, congrats on making it out of the trailer park. Her RBF is top-notch, and her resting betch voice is unparallelled. Daria takes shots indiscriminately at everyone, with no regard to human life. I really aspire to be that savage at all times, even/especially to my therapist. “I don’t have low self-esteem. I have no esteem for anyone else”—I’m putting that in needlepoint and hanging it on my wall.
4. Patty Mayonnaise (Doug)
Patty Mayonnaise was a bad betch, and she knew it. Why else would she have all these “guy friends” following her around all the time and taking her to The Honker Burger? Doug, Roger…come the fuck on. She could play dumb all she wanted, but anyone with half a brain could see Doug was obviously writing love letters to her in his journal. She was basically Rachel Greene-ing Doug for the entire series, which we can respect since Doug is such a nice guy/potential neckbeard (another one with a penchant for journaling), and Patty’s like what, nine? She’s got plenty of time to sow her wild oats. I’d also like to recognize her vaguely Southern accent, which made no sense considering she’s supposedly a “Bloomington” native and no one else spoke with a drawl like that. Perhaps that was part of her allure? IDK. One of the greater mysteries of our time. Also, there was an episode once when Patty went on a pretty insane crash diet where all she consumed was an edible sandwich-flavored spray. That sandwich spray inspired many a betch’s master cleanse. Now who’s got that patent on sandwich spray, and when is that coming on the market? I really need to lose three pounds.
3. Topanga Lawrence (Boy Meets World)
Topanga Lawrence starts out BMW as the weird AF hippie girl in Cory and Shawn’s class, but graduates quickly into the hottest/only girl in Cory and Shawn’s class. Topanga can be a bit of a TTH, and has a very Hermione-esque streak of caring about rules, homework assignments, general knowledge, and other bullshit, though she does eventually chill out. Topanga gives Cory his first kiss early in middle school, and uses that to lock his ass down for the rest of his goddamn life. Cory dates maybe like…one other girl? Kind of? Topanga also turns down her acceptance to Yale in favor of fucking around at the fake party school invented by the show, proving that she did eventually grow out of some of her TTH tendencies. She does all of this without ever sleeping with Cory, and instead is able to somehow lock down his lifelong devotion despite stopping all makeout sessions at second base, and waiting until college to show him her butt, which she only does once and for 30 seconds. Must have been a pretty amazing butt.
2. Sabrina (Sabrina The Teenage Witch)
I think it’s safe to say that every middle school girl’s fantasy wold be to wake up on your 16th birthday and find out that you have magical powers and you can totally use them to become the most popular girl at your high school. Sabrina Spellman did all this and more, using her incredible powers to change outfits at will, turn the most popular girl in school into a pineapple so that she can assume her powers, and generally do everything she could to get Harvey to like her. In everyting Sabrina does, she succeeds. The only issue here is, if you’re a witch, why tf are you bothering with school anyway? Why not tell Hilda and Zelda to fuck off, hop on a broom, and hit the skies? Also, if you’re gonna go to school, shouldn’t you be at Hogwarts or some shit? You’re seriously gonna tell me that a teenage witch who is going to live for 100+ more years needs to waste her time learning calculus? SMH.
1. Clarissa (Clarissa Explains It All)
Oh hell ya Melissa Joan Hart, I see you. Clarissa was a badder betch than me; I ain’t afraid to admit it. When you’ve got a fuckin cool-ass name like Clarissa Darling, how can you not be a bad bitch? This betch had her own show that was solely dedicated to talking about herself, to the audience, because she DGAF about breaking walls—unlike me, according to my therapist. Anyway, Clarissa has mastered the art of sarcasm at the tender age of 14, and her main hobby includes sneaking guys into and out of her room without her parents having any fucking clue. She is also extremely gifted at coming up with codenames for her brother Ferguson, which include things like “Ferg-face,” “Fergwad,” or the ever-imaginative “Ferg-breath.” Sick burn, Clariss! The only not-perfect thing about Clarissa was the fact that she had a pet alligator for a hot second. Like, who the fuck does that? It’s a real fine line between owning an alligator and becoming a reptile freak. But other than that, Clarissa was definitely the betchiest of them all. I mean, check out that eye roll.
For this week’s TBT, we’re going to take a look into the lives of the most influential baby friend group of the ’90s. I’m talking, of course, about the Rugrats and, most importantly, how betchy or not betchy each Rugrat is. Is it polite to rank toddlers who have not yet learned to speak based on arbitrary social categories? Probs not. Is it fun? Fucking duh.
Here’s what we know about Cynthia: 1) She’s a really cool dancer, 2) She’s got cool moves (as long as you move her arms and legs), 3) She’s movin’ out on the floor, 4) She’s ready to break some eggs (make an omelette Cynthia!) How do we know all this? We know it from her workout tape, which I am shocked has not been sampled by Avicii or Kanye or someone yet (don’t listen unless you want this song stuck in your head all day).
Cynthia’s resting bitch face is on point, and she manages to look great in her belted orange dress despite the fact that she is missing ⅕ of her hair. Cynthia didn’t say or do shit for all 9 seasons of Rugrats, yet she is still one of the show’s most memorable characters, and it is her ability to do no work and remain popular that has earned her the number one slot.
2. Susie Carmichael
Susie Carmichael is cool AF. Did Susie need to appear in every episode? No. Susie had other shit to do. She’ll check in every once in awhile to see what the babies are up to, teach them about Kwanzaa and generally let them know what’s good, before going back next door to hang with her real friends. Whenever she does come over, the babies flip out because they’re like, obsessed with her (everyone is). She’s also the only person who has absolutely no time for Angelica’s bullshit, probably because Susie has better hair, a better outfit, and wears a cool red bangle, which is more than Angelica could ever hope to have. Susie is three, which makes her older and wiser than most of the babies and probably accounts for the sheer lack of fucks she has to give. Did Susie get her ass lost in the woods when Dil was born? Fuck no, she was chilling in Paris getting turnt up with her older sister! Did Susie almost die with the Rugrats in EuroReptarland? No bitch, I just told you she’s already been to Paris! Susie Carmichael always comes correct, and that’s what earned her the number two spot.
3. Tommy Pickles
Tommy Pickles is the star of the show, which virtually guarantees him betchiness. Tommy also has the whole dressing like a slut thing down and spends all nine seasons of Rugrats wearing nothing but a crop top and booty shorts. His outfit never stops him from leading his friend group on adventures, and you know once he can talk and operate a phone he’d be the person managing the group chat, suggesting what clubs and parties to go to, making sure everyone is getting the free shots they deserve, and seeing you into your Uber at the end of the night. The thing holding Tommy back from the top spot is that he’s too fucking nice. He’ll let any baby with shit in their diaper come hang with him (cough CHUCKIE cough), and that means his friend group is riddled with duds (HI CHUCKIE). Be a little more discerning about your friend group, Thomas, and maybe we’ll see you up at the top with Cynthia.
4. Angelica Pickles
We can’t talk about Cynthia without getting to her BFF and designated Rugrat BSCB, Angelica Pickles. Angelica spent most of Rugrats torturing the “dumb babies” (who were really only like a year younger than her) and making them miserable, yet still somehow being invited to all the group hangs, play dates, and brunches. Angelica spends a lot of time telling everyone—including the adults—how beautiful she is and is absolutely desperate for attention, probably because her rich AF parents never pay attention to her. She’s your friend who cries and starts shit at the club anytime she feels like she’s not the hottest girl there (and she frequently is not—thanks Cynthia!) Also girl, lay off the cookies.
5. Charlotte Pickles
Charlotte Pickles is Angelica’s mom who is literally always on her phone. Like, always. Even in a time before cellphones could fit in your pocket, Charlotte is always on the phone with her assistant Jonathan (Cheban? We don’t know…) and ignores basically every member of her family to do so. When phones don’t work, Charlotte straight up makes her husband’s brother carry a fax machine around so she doesn’t miss any important texts. Charlotte alternates between a power suit and workout gear, always accompanied by an Ariana Grande level high ponytail. In All Grown Up, Charlotte displays clear signs of some seriously botched cosmetic surgery, which is what has dropped her down to slot #5. Never try to cut corners on botox, Charlotte! It’ll always go wrong. Honestly, Jonathan should have told you that.
6. Grandpa Lou
Grandpa Lou is another character who gives absolutely zero fucks and is down to hang. Much like Corinne, Lou loves naps and often falls asleep halfway through finishing his stories. Despite his old age, Lou is still a fuckboy, and is often seen hitting on women and generally trying to find ways to get laid. If Rugrats had taken place in 2017, Lou would have definitely had a Tinder and that Tinder definitely would have had a picture of him from 20+ years earlier. Lou is eventually successful in finding a new wife, Lulu, who he moves in with pretty fast after they start hooking up (risky choice, Lou!) Outside of his strangely active love life, Lou also has many frenemies, including his own cousin Miriam; his bowling rival, Billy “Strike” Maxwell; and some other wrestling guy named Conan McNulty. This proves that when push comes to shove, Lou is just not very popular and kind of an old perv. Sixth place for you, Lou.
7. Phil And Lil Deville
Okay I’m sorry, but Phil and Lil are fucking gross. Their diet is a mess, always eating fucking worms and mud and shit. Do you know how many calories are in a ball of worms, kids? Do you? Seriously. There is a Rugrats episode where Phil and Lil drink straight-up toilet water. What the fuck is that? Is that something babies do? Phil and Lil also have no creativity when it comes to fashion, and instead just dress alike every damn day in green—a color that is flattering on exactly 0 people. Their mom is a hardcore feminist, which is cool, but maybe the twins have been empowered to do a little bit too much. Like sure, Lil can do whatever she wants with her life, but maybe eating a giant pile of shit should not be one of those things? Idk. Seventh place.
8. Stu Pickles
Good Lord is Stu Pickles a sad man. Seriously. You have a beautiful house, two healthy babies, a cool Jewish wife who has managed to maintain her pre-baby body, and you’re still fucking complaining! Look around, asshole! You have all this shit despite the fact that your dumb ass hasn’t invented one successful toy. In fact, you haven’t even invented one toy that didn’t explode and almost kill your entire family. You are literally #blessed but you’re too blind to see it! The only thing keeping you from the bottom slot is this meme which, in the current political climate, is legit all of our lives right now:
9. Chuckie Finster
No. Just no. I’m sorry, but again, it’s gonna be a hard pass on Chuckie. Here are all the things Chuckie would have to improve if he ever even wanted to hope to be betchy. 1) His voice, which is terrible. Do you have a cold, Chuckie? Go to the damn doctor. It’s the ’90s. Hillary Clinton has passed the State Children’s Health Insurance Plan. You can go to the doctor. Go. 2) Grow. A. Pair. Dude. You know when Chuckie gets older he’s gonna be your friend who calls the cops on his own party for getting out of hand. He’s gonna be that guy who side eyes you for doing molly at Coachella, making weird comments under his breath about how you never know what’s “in that stuff” and generally bringing bad vibes despite the fact that Beyoncé is literally pregnant and dancing in front of you. 3) The hair is a problem. Comb it. Dye it. Do something. It’s a problem. 4) Tie your fucking shoes, dude. 9th place.
10. Chas Finster
There was no character on television from 1991-2004 that was less betchy than Chas Finster. He has all of Chuckie’s problems, but he is a fucking adult which means he has literally no excuse for being such a narc. Chas seems to be suffering from whatever health problems are affecting his son, and despite being a “bureaucrat,” apparently has no ability to get his ass to a doctor either. Like many sad old nerds, Chas must travel to a foreign country to find a wife, eventually convincing a way-too-hot-for-him Japanese woman to fly to America and be his Melania. Chas also has a double-Hitler mustache, which is 100% unacceptable, no matter what decade you live in. Sorry, Chas. Last place.