Diggy here from season 13 of The Bachelorette and season 4 of Bachelor in Paradise. Betches thought my Twitter commentary on all things Bachelor was fire, so they gave me room for more than 280 characters.
I’m going to try to do my part to recap what was a somewhat anti-climactic Episodes 2 & 3 of Bachelor in Paradise. If you don’t like spoilers, please read anyway, as we need as many eyes on this as possible.
Episode 2 kicks off with Colton returning from his date with Tia, and he’s immediately cornered by Goose (Chris) and the rest of the Rat pack (which consists of Jordan and Nick), and they demand to know what his intentions are here in Paradise. From afar, it looks like they’re filming a fight scene from a late 90’s musical where no one gets touched and they only snap fingers, but they do get down to business eventually. Colton hints at still being in love with Becca, which Chris responds with: “Then why are you here??” In less than a few words Colton pretty much says: “I’ll be damned if I miss out on these airline miles.” Plus, Tia’s here.
The next morning, the smartest guy on the beach, Venmo John, “finds” a date card, and Kenny is now the lucky person that gets to get off the island. With his newfound popularity, Kenny talks to Bibiana, Nysha, Chelsea, and Krystal, and he decides to take the newly hobbled Krystal on the date (she somehow managed to hurt her foot on a rock on the beach, which I can personally attest is 99% sand). Kenny’s date is a wrestling date (if you didn’t see that coming, LASIK is for you) where he and Krystal get to enjoy a real life Nacho Libre, minus the tortilla chips. A few kisses happen, but mostly just perspiration from Kenny.
Back on the beach, Jordan makes “dinner plans” for Annaliese. Notably missing from said dinner: plates, utensils, and food. Anyway, it’s the thought that counts…but she’s still hungry. Kevin, who was trying to start something with Krystal, starts looking at Astrid like he wants to crawl all over her, but it’s actually a lizard that beats him to the punch instead. He takes her to beach and their lips lock and he throws away the key. BUH BYE, KRYSTAL.
Pause here, because, YUKI’S BACK!!! She was a star on Winter Games for her personality and lack of English. That 2 week stint in our hearts has now qualified her to pour shots (which she has never done) in another country, which just proves to us that she’s just trying to fill up her passport.
Cocktail Party time, meaning two guys are going home. Awkward convos happen, Hail Mary’s are thrown, but ultimately it’s the Tia and Colton show… again. Tia grabs Colton to chat, and she pretty much tells him that everyone is saying Colton is an immature 6th grader (which for the record, is not true, he’s a lot older than that). Colton tells her that he wants to see what’s out there, and that she should do what makes him happy, because then she’d be happy. Well, whatever the hell that means. Chris then picks up the pieces by spitting hot fire and saying he’s here for Tia and nothing else (remember I said this).
Rose ceremony shakes out as such: Krystal to Kenny, Astrid to Kevin, Tia to Chris, Kendall to Joe, Nysha to Eric, and Angela to John. At this point, we just knew Colton was going home, but Bibiana (*cough cough* producers) decide to give Colton a rose so he can “have the chance to find love.” Those keeping score at home, yes we lost fly-ass Wills and Nick just so we can have more of the Tia/Colton saga.
If you thought you were going to have a full week without our most recent Bachelorette, Becca, you were wrong. In the beginning of episode 3, she shows up the next day, like that trust fund friend with nothing better to do. Becca talks to Tia, and by doing so, haunts Colton in the process.I’m not sure if the producers hate Colton or not, but god is he easy to make fun of. Colton starts crying on a rock smaller than him, and Becca essentially consoles him back to health. Boom, now he has closure, and can be the savage Colton that America has come to know and love.
In what we have to imagine is AMAZING editing, Annaliese continually states how much she’s into Jordan, and then boom—Jenna walks in and leaves Jordan as speechless as we’ve ever seen him. (It must be noted: Her outfit is pink, in addition to her hair, which makes me hope she sticks around so I can see if her hair will always match her outfits.) Jenna takes Jordan on the date, and this dude is GIDDY. They ride horses and make out on the beach (and everywhere else). Also present on this date: a black box that covers Jenna’s butt the entire time. Essentially this date was just taking turns breathing for each other. Jordan comes back to the beach and pretty much tells Annaliese “good luck” and gives her two fingers. David tries to ruffle a few feathers by celebrating Jenna’s birthday with her alone, and Jordan sits there like a chaperone, ensuring that there is no physical contact.
Caroline (Arie’s season) shows up super nervous and literally is speaking a mile a minute. (Someone KISS her already so she can stop talking, PLEASE.) She takes John on the date, who is polar opposite of her normal type of guy. This date REEKED of a friendship, but somehow Caroline is into it. They drink, they dance, a kiss happens, Paradise wins again. Jubilee shows up the next morning, asks John on a date (literally asking him while he’s snuggling with Caroline…SAVAGE) and he says yes. Ziplining and nerdy convo, once again, this date is heading to the platonic section.
Kenny decides to make a night beach date for Krystal, but Krystal pretty much tells him to check your brakes, and then pump them. He pretty much got friend zoned when males have the power…BALLSY move, Krystal. Fast forward to 5 minutes later when she’s making out with Chris (yes, Tia’s Chris) on the daybed. Colton finds out, and runs faster than he did as a football player to tell Tia that Chris kissed Krystal. While chatting to Jordan about how he has everything in the bag, Tia confronts Chris in a fashion that has me ANXIOUS for next week!
Images: Giphy (2)
We’re just a few episodes into Nick Viall’s cringeworthy journey as The Bachelor and we’ve already got a feeling that this season is going to be different from the others. So different, in fact, that we’ve come up with some extremely bold predictions about how it will end—all of which would be firsts for the show. Sorry in advance for any potential spoilers.
1. Nick Viall Places As First Runner-Up
This may seem impossible based on the rules as we know them, but Nick was born to be a loser on this show and losers always find a way to not come in first. Our bet is that his final two girls start dating each other and then Nick promptly bursts into flames.
2. Chris Hansen From To Catch A Predator Shows Up
Most of what we know about Nick up to this point is that he’s emotionally unstable, lonely, and enjoys slut-shaming girls that don’t want to date him. It’s not beyond the realm of possibility that he’s engaged in some legit shady online activities, and how great would it be for rival network NBC to shut this whole production down? Primetime TV at its finest.
3. Nick Goes Into Cardiac Arrest
If Nick does develop “feelings” for one of the contestants who reciprocates them even in the slightest, it’s going to be way too much for his body to handle. Think of how invested—to a stalkerish level—he’s been in girls who openly consider him to be their back burner bro. If Nick develops an actual relationship it could be life-threatening, so we hope his potential wives are as insincere as they appear to be.
4. The Girls Start An Uprising And Demand That Luke From JoJo’s Season Be Brought In As The New Bachelor
It’s no secret that Luke was perfectly typecast as the potential next Bachelor during JoJo’s season, and the contestants on Nick’s season know that. Luke is surely waiting in the wings for his next moment in the spotlight, so if the girls were to revolt even for a few hours, they would probably get their way.
5. A Detox Tea Company Decides To Buy The Airtime For Advertising
This season’s crop of girls “hoping to find their husbands” is barely believable and we all know what they’re really competing for is corporate sponsors for their Instagram pages. Maybe this time the show will cut out the whole fake competition thing and film the cast sipping tea in a platonic circle while encouraging us to start our free trials.