Please tell me you all are watching Love is Blind, Netflix’s latest reality show. PLEASE. If not, you should get on that now, because the next four episodes just dropped this morning. This article, however, is only about the first five episodes, because I am merely a human with a full-time job who just spent the last two nights binge watching this show just to bring you all my BRILLIANT and HILARIOUS takes. Am I insane to cram that much reality TV into two school nights when I also have other things going on? Yes, I am. Do I regret it? No, I don’t. Do I need a venti nonfat latte? Yes I do, and if you’re in Midtown East please bring me two, I’ll put your name in our security system.
I guess I should actually explain the premise of this show to you instead of the details of my coffee order. Basically, men and women get to know each other without seeing what the other looks like. They talk through a wall. It is blue and shimmery, and is reminiscent of that lava lamp we all had in our rooms in 1998. It also magically makes people able to fall in love with strangers within four days. And yes, if you’re counting, we are only two months into 2020 and I’ve already watched two shows where human beings shout words at a wall to communicate with each other. My mother is very proud. Anyway, once the contestants fall in love, sight unseen, the couples get engaged, get to meet, go on a trip, and plan a wedding. It’s all about as horrifyingly awkward as you would imagine. In fact, I have been shrieking in my apartment for days. I’m pleasantly surprised none of my neighbors have called the police, but also am slightly concerned that if I’m getting murdered I’m sh*t out of luck. Oh well! But, I’m sure I’m not the only one who was left shrieking through the awkwardness, right? So let me remind you of your horror, and let’s take a look at the most shriek-worthy moments of the season so far!
Nick And Vanessa Lachey
It’s so sweet of Netflix to provide a graveyard for the C-list boy band has-beens of the world! Everyone needs a final resting place, even if they were never Justin Timberlake. So, I was fine when Nick and Vanessa showed up in the first episode, thinking they would be the hosts. But then, they didn’t appear again until the couples got to Mexico, and Vanessa seemed like she had never read lines in her life. That’s when it became very obvious to me that the Lacheys needed Netflix for a free trip to Mexico. I had to look away, I was so embarrassed for them. I have a suggestion, guys. Cash in on this fame resurgence you’re getting from Jessica’s book, pay for your own trip to Mexico, and don’t ever remind me again how pathetic you are.
I hope you held your head low when you picked up your paycheck, Lacheys
Jessica’s Baby Voice
Jessica! You are 34. You were practically alive when Kennedy was assassinated. Sienna Miller is in a movie playing a grandmother younger than that! You don’t need to sound like you walked out of your mother’s womb in 2016. It’s just not necessary. This show is called LOVE IS BLIND, not LOVE IS DEAF, so I would think you’d want to sound as normal as humanly possible. Not the case for Jess. I mean, except when she was talking to the camera and sounded like a totally capable adult woman. WHAT WAS THAT?! Perhaps this show wasn’t the only experiment going on—I think Jessica was conducting an experiment of her own. And her findings? Men do indeed LOVE a baby voice. Betches writers do not.
Carlton In Mexico
I’m sorry, but Carlton was the worst. Not only did he walk out on women that he did not deem interesting enough when they were in the pods, he also treated his fiancée Diamond like sh*t. First, he didn’t confide in the woman to whom he got engaged that he was bisexual. AND THEN! When he did, he expected her immediate acceptance without even a discussion, and when she wanted to talk about it he screamed that her wig was sliding off. HE INSULTED HER WIG!! This is a man that producers deemed mature enough to get married within a few weeks? Honestly, I don’t know what else he said past the wig drama because, as I’ve mentioned, I was shrieking, but I’m sure it also was terrible. His behavior combined with his hat that said “Daddy” on it made it physically impossible for me to watch any of his scenes in Mexico not through my fingertips.
Damian and Gigi’s Proposal
Look, it’s awkward enough to watch something as intimate as a proposal. Add in the barrier of a lava lamp wall, and it’s even weirder. Then, mix in the fact that these people met only days ago, and it’s nearly unbearable. And finally, have the man proposing announce “I am your gift” while wearing a bow around his wrist, and I’m honestly shocked I did not spontaneously combust into particles of blood and guts. I did nearly drop my wine bottle, though, which would have been tragic because I still had to get through Gigi proposing BACK to Damian instead of doing the sane thing and saying, “That’s so nice you think you’re a gift, but can I get mozzarella sticks instead?”. Needless to say, my wine bottle did not make it through the rest of the evening.
Gigi’s Continued Mention of the “Days Without Sex” Memes
Day 329 without sex: I went to Starbucks just so I could hear somebody scream my name
— ryki (@ryankii) July 14, 2018
Speaking of Gigi, she is one of the main reasons my throat is hoarse this morning. The second she started quoting the “Days Without Sex” memes at dinner to Damian I thought I would never recover. We get it, you want to have sex. Can’t you just raise one eyebrow at him and say “eh?” like a socially awkward normal person? You don’t need to go saying year-old memes out loud! It’s not cool! And it still wasn’t cool when you used the same joke again at the bar with the other girls! Is this what the world is like when you don’t have access to your phone? Instead of DM’ing things, you must speak them? That’s the Bad Place.
All The Couples Meeting for the First Time
Well this was savage. I love that the producers sent all the couples to the same hotel for their trip, and forced them to meet up with the very people that they had been dating only DAYS prior to getting engaged to someone else. Oh yeah, and they provided alcohol. If that’s not a recipe for Jessica regretting her choices fun, I don’t know what is! Jessica talking to Barnett was the most desperate thing I’ve ever seen, I could not even watch. But, I think we all might be Jessica when she returned from the night to say about the man she is SO OBVIOUSLY pining over: “he’s deeply troubled.”
Barnett and Amber’s Entire Relationship
Is it me, or do Barnett and Amber seem like a couple from Are You The One? instead of Love is Blind? Like, if this was one of my first impression articles about contestants, it would go something like this:
Barnett: Every show has to have a douchey frat bro for Ryanne to throw herself at in their DMs, and Barnett is that guy on Love is Blind. He 100% does not want to get married, but does want to get laid as many times as possible with minimal effort. Look for him to not make the final commitment and end up hooking up with all three girls he was pursuing after the show.
So I guess he’s back on the market then
Amber: Amber is the kind of girl that will ruin your life and enjoy doing it. Watch out Barnett, she’ll find you.
Ooohh probably not for long…
So, as you can see, I totally think this will work out. Kidding! I totally think they’re going to get the police called on them, break up and get back together numerous times until one of them decides to leave the country and “find themselves”, and never hold down a real job again. Perhaps I’m being harsh, but I do say all of this after Amber bit Barnett’s arm in the bar, and he said in regular conversation “speaking of bareback…” so maybe I’m not being harsh enough.
And that’s what stuck out to me during these first five episodes! I’m looking forward to losing my voice again tonight while watching the new episodes; hit me up in the comments and let me know what you all found shriek-worthy in Love is Blind!
Images: Netflix; Giphy (3), barnettisblind, jessicabatten/Instagram, ryankii/Twitter
I swear I don’t spend all of my time thinking about the Kardashians, but sometimes I just can’t help it. A few weeks ago, we were all surprised and delighted by the news that Ginger and Scary Spice hooked up once upon a time. In response to that news, I wrote an article about other random celebrity hookups you forgot about. I rediscovered some seriously wild vintage celebrity couples, and among them was Nick Cannon and Kim Kardashian. It still sounds fake when I say it, but it really happened. This got me thinking: what other random famous men have dated a Kardashian?
We all know the obvious ones, like Kanye, Tristan, Kris Humphries, etc., but Hollywood’s most famous family has lots of celebrity skeletons in their hookup closet. Even the younger Jenner sisters have some surprising flings that you’ve probably forgotten about by now. Here are some of the forgotten famous men that hooked up with a Kardashian—and I promise these are true, no matter how crazy it seems.
Let’s start with Kim Kardashian’s many exes. Gabriel Aubry is a Canadian model, but he’s better known as Halle Berry’s ex-husband. He and Kim dated for like, 10 seconds in 2010, right after he and Halle got divorced. Kim and Gabriel were spotted together at a Lakers game and were a hot tabloid topic for a few weeks, but then they went their separate ways. This was immediately before Kim started dating Kris Humphries, so maybe it wasn’t a great decision-making time for Kim.
It’s a tough call, but Nick Lachey is probably my favorite random Kim Kardashian ex. Kim and Nick dated for one week (lmao) in 2006, shortly after he and Jessica Simpson divorced. Wow, what a time to be alive. In 2013, he said that he thinks Kim used him to get famous. According to Nick, they went to see a movie together, and when they left, there were dozens of photographers outside the theater. If I had to guess, Kris Jenner 100% called TMZ to tip them off, but I’d also say that Kim didn’t need to use a guy from a washed-up boy band to get famous.
Okay, if you’re reading this article, I doubt you’ve forgotten about Kim’s iconic late-2000s relationship with NFL player Reggie Bush, but I’m mentioning it here for one reason: I’m immature, and I really wanted to say “Bush and the Tush” again. That was their celebrity couple nickname, btw. Ah, simpler times. Okay, now that I have that out of my system, let’s move on.
If Joe Francis’ name doesn’t ring a bell, you might just know him as the founder of Girls Gone Wild. The Kardashian family has a long history with Joe, and they’ve vacationed at his home in Mexico for nearly two decades. While Kim is one of Joe’s closest friends, Joe dated Kourtney Kardashian for a few months back in 2005, right before she got with Scott Disick. Interestingly enough, Kourtney and Scott actually met at a party hosted by Joe Francis, but everyone moved, and they’re all still friends.
Buckle up, because Khloé Kardashian has a lot of exes. Khloé dated NBA player Rashad McCants in 2009, and it went about as well as all her other relationships with NBA players. Seriously, maybe she needs to get a new type. You might recall that in an episode of Kourtney & Khloé Take Miami, Khlo finds out that Rashad cheated on her. (Feel familiar?) Later, Rashad claimed the whole thing was made up for a TV storyline, but that sounds a lot like something he would say after being exposed as a cheater on national TV. He also blamed his disappointing on-court performance on his relationship with Khloé, so like, f*ck outta here. But also, wow, I am overcome with a crazy sense of déjà vu.
For a brief period in 2013, Khloé switched sports and began dating baseball player Matt Kemp. The relationship didn’t last very long, reportedly because Khloé was still dealing with her and Lamar Odom’s divorce. The most notable thing about Matt Kemp (idk anything about baseball) is that he also dated Rihanna for a while way back in 2009. I don’t know what this dude’s deal is, but he is very lucky.
Khloé dated rapper French Montana on and off in 2013 and 2014, and for a while, they seemed like they might be the real deal. Ultimately, Khloé decided she wasn’t ready for another serious relationship so soon after her divorce from Lamar, but I always liked these two together. Recently, French has denied rumors that he was still with his ex Trina when he started dating Khloé, which would really be ironic, considering the whole Jordyn/Tristan situation.
Khloé dated NBA player James Harden for most of 2015, but things fizzled out after a while. In a move that seems kind of rude and unnecessary, Harden told Sports Illustrated in 2017 that was the “worst year” of his life, because he didn’t like all the attention. Like, obviously the life of a Kardashian boyfriend isn’t for everyone, but he could just not say anything. Much like Rashad McCants, he claimed that his relationship with Khloé hurt his NBA career, and I’ve had enough of these whiney basketball men.
Of all the dudes on this list, self-proclaimed inventor of sex Trey Songz is the one that’s really messing with my brain. For whatever reason, Khloé and Trey’s 2016 hookup sounds like something out of a fever dream. They partied together in Las Vegas in 2016, but weren’t really seen together much after that. Notably, Trey Songz was also friends with Kendall and Kylie at one point, and they all partied together in 2014 with my least favorite person in the world, Chris Brown.
See those legs that Kendall is crouching between? Those belong to A$AP Rocky. Sources differ on whether Kendall Jenner was ever officially in a relationship with A$AP, but they were definitely hooking up, and were seen together over the course of nearly a year in 2016 and 2017. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but if I go to Paris with a boy, he better be my f*cking boyfriend. After things ended for good between the two, a source told US Weekly that they hadn’t been seeing each other much, because “their schedules are really hard.” Funny, that’s the same excuse I’m currently using for skipping the gym six days in a row.
Kendall has been linked to several basketball players over the years, but the first really notable one was Blake Griffin. They started seeing each other in the fall of 2017, and Kendall even spent her 22nd birthday with Blake. This was just a few months after Blake split up with the mother of his two children, Brynn Cameron, but he and Kendall reportedly got pretty serious. They ended things in early 2018, not long before Kendall was first seen hanging out with her current NBA boyfriend, Ben Simmons.
And that brings us to the youngest Kardashian-Jenner, Kylie. Everyone knows about her relationships with Tyga and Travis Scott, so I’m skipping those. But you might not remember that before she moved on to legit rappers, she dated childhood friend Jaden Smith. They were together way back in 2013, when they were both little teenyboppers, but there are rumors that Jaden was part of the reason for Kylie and Tyga’s breakup. I would love to know more about Kylie and Jaden’s dynamic, but I have a feeling Kylie won’t be going on Red Table Talks anytime soon.
Our final stop on the tour of forgotten Kardashian men is Australian pop star and off-brand Justin Bieber, Cody Simpson. Cody and Kylie dated waaaaay back in 2011, when Kylie was just 14 years old. Obviously it’s no big surprise that they didn’t end up together, but in 2014, Cody joked that the reason for their breakup was that he didn’t want to change his name to start with a ‘K.’ After he and Kylie split up, Cody went on to date Gigi Hadid for like, two years, and Jaden Smith even Instagrammed him hanging out with Kylie in 2015, so I think everything is okay.
Phew. That was a lot. To be honest, that’s probably only half of the men who have dated a Kardashian in the past couple of decades, but I decided not to clog this list with more basketball players you’ve never heard of. The Kardashian-Jenner sisters obviously have no problem locking down famous men, so maybe they should start a dating advice podcast or something? Or not, considering how messy some of their relationships have been. Who’s your favorite forgotten Kardashian ex? Lmk!
Images: Shutterstock (2); Giphy (2); @nicklachey, @realjoefrancis, @therealmattkemp, @kimkardashian, @jharden13, @kendalljenner, @blakegriffin23, @c.syresmith (2) / Instagram