It wasn’t so long ago that we were simultaneously bored and grossed out by Nick and Vanessa “falling in love” on The Bachelor. Beauty and The Lispy Beast got engaged on the show and were over even before the six-month mark. Classic.
Since they couple called it quits in August, Nick has appeared in a Will and Grace advertisement. Weird. Nick also got eliminated pretty quickly from Dancing with the Stars. Oh, and he landed a guest role on the ABC show Speechless. Goddamn, the people at ABC really must see something in this guy that literally no one else does.
But what about Vanessa? In true Vanessa fashion, she’s not a new boyfriend. She lost the human incarnation of a curly-headed Kermit the Frog for good and started dating 25-year-old pro hockey player Brendan Gallagher. I mean, reportedly started dating this guy. Sources told ET the two have been seen out and about together and are looking pretty cozy.
I don’t really know who this guy is, because I
have a life don’t spend a lot of time stalking Canadian hockey players, but he looks, like, ridiculously average. I mean, we’ve all seen how hot Vanessa is—girl can rock a one-piece swimsuit in the arctic tundra like nobody’s business. This guy looks like some frat kid you drunkenly made out with in college and then didn’t text back when he hit you up the next day.
This guy looks like he’d ask to copy your notes… for the journaling you were supposed to do over the summer. He looks like somebody who would barely pass college and then go on to take over his dad’s hedge fund. He looks like his main sources of nutrients are Natty Light and protein powder. Okay, I’m done. Anyway, he’s also five years younger than 30-year-old Vanessa. Nothing wrong with that, but he definitely looks about 25. So you’re telling me you’re going from an emotionally immature 36-year-old with pubes for hair to a 25-year-old with a cheesy mustache and what appears to be a soul patch?? Fam.
I can see why Vanessa would go for a fellow Canadian, but she is hot and
pretends to works with special needs kids all day—she could probably do better than this guy. But no reality show or amount of Instagram followers can help her if she just has bad taste in men.
You guys know why I’m here, right? I’m basically The Bachelor internet rumors correspondent. *Adds to resume* So it should come as no surprise to you that when Danielle Lombard aka Danielle L aka D-Lo did an AMA on The Bachelor subreddit, I was on that shit like a former Bachelor contestant and a FabFitFun box. For those of you who
have lives and don’t procrastinate endlessly at work don’t Reddit, “AMA” stands for “Ask Me Anything.” Basically, a celebrity or person of interest will log onto Reddit, usually take a selfie of themselves holding up a paper that says “Hi Reddit! It’s me, Todd Kraines” or whoever they are so they can authenticate their identity, then Reddit users will post questions in a single thread, and the aforementioned celebrity/person of interest will answer them at their will.
Y’all still with me? Okay, good. So in D-Lo’s AMA, she spilled a LOT of tea. For instance, she revealed that Dean called her up mere hours after Bachelor in Paradise filming wrapped and spent five hours on the phone convincing her to give him another chance, only for him to act like a fuckboy again the second she turned around. She also provided some major insight into why Nick and Vanessa broke up. And again I say, I fucking love Reddit. It is truly a magical place. Anyone who tries to convince me otherwise will get a swift block.
First off, for all you Vanessa haters (all of us), D-Lo just gave you some more ammo. One of the top questions was why Rachel and Vanessa aren’t friends anymore, and it’s because Vanessa allegedly “called Rachel something that was extremely derogatory.” She added that it was so bad that “Vanessa had to be separated for the rest of the show.” Yooooo. That is serious. Danielle doesn’t specify what Vanessa called Rachel, so I’ll just leave you all to your imaginations. So not only is Vanessa annoying and a fame whore, but she’s also like, a terrible person. ABC, RELEASE THE TAPES!
BUT HERE’S WHERE IT GETS REALLY GOOD. Someone asked the following: “I will probably ask what the beef was with Vanessa and all the women. What nick did to make all the women on his season hate him. Why All the women didn’t leave when they knew they never wanted to marry nick and Thought he was ugly. Why would Vanessa accept nicks proposal when she despised him and went out of her way to cheat on him.” (Capitalization inconsistencies are OP’s own, not mine.)
Danielle addressed the questions, saying, “I think most of the girls felt like Nick never wanted to get married and he just wanted to be on TV. So that really pissed a lot of women off.” Okay, so that’s not really that groundbreaking. But she did add, “Maybe for Vanessa, it became more of a competition? But I don’t think that she cheated on him? It was just ironic because she told Nick I was just there to be famous since I’ve modeled in the past, but you come to find out later that she’s actually and model and tv host/actress in Canada and that Nick’s been taking acting classes out in LA.”
If you can read between the lines, which is what I got my PhD in, Nick and Vanessa broke up because they were both fame whores who couldn’t stand each other, and once the initial endorsement money ran out they no longer felt the need to keep up the charade. So basically what we all thought to be true is confirmed by someone with insider knowledge. Also, I laughed myself into a coma at the idea of Nick Viall’s lisping ass landing a role anywhere other than a reality TV franchise he’s basically blackmailed his way into staying a part of.
Thanks Danielle. Thanks Reddit. I’d recommend reading the entire AMA because there’s lots more tea where that came from.
In news that is truly shocking to all of Bachelor Nation, Nick Viall and Vanessa Grimaldi have ended their engagement. I think I speak for all of us when I say that this is extremely surprising news that absolutely none of us saw coming. If two people who barely tolerate each other on national television can’t make it, what hope is there for the rest of us?
In an exclusive joint statement to E! News, Nick and Vanessa said, “It’s with a great amount of heartbreak for the both us as we have decided to end our engagement. We gave this relationship our all and we are saddened that we did not get the fairytale ending we hoped for. We will continue to be there for each other no matter what. This hasn’t been an easy decision, however, as we part ways, we do so with lots of love and admiration for each other.”
Translation: Rachel stole our spotlight and now that the endorsements have run out, we no longer have to pretend to like each other. Also, Vanessa would be clinically insane to willingly give up her Canadian citizenship and move to the United States given the current political climate.
I’m assuming Vanessa will have to give back the $100,000 engagement ring Nick copied from Robby Hayes, but I’ll report back when I have more information. Damn shame.
I don’t even want to speak this into existence and put it out in the universe (I just finished The Secret), but if this is all gearing up for Nick Viall to become the Bachelor again, I will find Nick, Chris Harrison, and Mike Fleiss and kill us all in a murder-suicide for the ages, I swear to fucking God.
There is an argument to be made for Corinne being the true winner of last season of The Bachelor. I mean, think about it, she gets all the fame, glory, and funny gifs without any of the having to get married to Nick Viall. She’ll likely be going to Paradise where she’ll be the hottest commodity for anyone who wants to ride her attention coattails (so like, all Bachelorette contestants), and based on what we’ve seen of the men on Rachel’s season so far, she really dodged a bullet by not becoming the Bachelorette herself.
That being said, Corinne is not done weighing in on the man she left behind, or the
fame whore woman he chose instead. Talking to SiriusXM Hits 1 this week, Corinne not-so subtly shaded the “engaged” couple, saying “I have a lot of respect for both of them, I just personally—not saying anything bad about either of them—I just personally don’t think they’re compatible.”
Honestly, we see Corinne’s game here, and we respect it. It’s just like any time you want to talk shit about your ex’s new girlfriend. Start out saying how she’s a nice person and how you are truly over your ex and wish the best for him, then finish by saying you just didn’t realize he liked girls with such a pronounced FUPA. It’s masterful.
Corinne also went on to agree with one of the radio hosts that the couple are “staying together for fame.” “I think they’re both just in it for publicity and as soon as the publicity runs out, they’re going to break up,” the host said, proving once and for all that Corinne Olympios is actually capable of inception. She obviously snuck into this radio host’s subconscious to plant the idea of Nick and Vanessa being fake, all so she can be like “Well, I didn’t bring it up…” later.
In response to the host’s accusation of fakeness, Corine said she thought he was “on point,” adding that “They’re so phony with each other,” and that “It sucks, because they’re both really real people separately, but whenever they were together, looking at them—like, I lived with Vanessa and dated Nick—that’s not how either one of them really are. And I’m like what are you doing?”
Ouch. Looks like Corinne is painting Nick and Vanessa’s whole relationship as one big publicity stunt, and like all things Corinne says, we have to agree. Corinne doesn’t seem bitter though, which makes sense given that she’s focused on her potential stint on Bachelor in Paradise, already filmed an episode with Rachel for the next Bachelorette, and has launched her own clothing line. Meanwhile, Vanessa is stuck carrying Nick’s groceries and crying her eyes out over the loss of her Sunday dinners and psycho family. But yeah, you keep telling yourself you’re the “winner,” Vanessa. Whatever gets you through the day.
I guess in Bachelor nation, no news is somehow news. At least, that would explain why the Daily Mail dedicated an entire article to a picture of Nick “letting” Vanessa carry her own groceries. The headline read “His knight in shining armor! Nick Viall takes a break from the heavy lifting and lets fiancee Vanessa Grimaldi carry their grocery bags back to car,” which is offensive for two reasons. One, that is way too fucking long to be considered a headline—where did these people go to journalism school? Two, I’ve read this article a couple of times through—which wasn’t especially difficult considering it amounted to about two sentences describing the couple’s outfits—and it’s not apparent that they are being facetious. Like, I’m honestly just not sure. Is that it? Is gender equality just carrying your own grocery bags? Did we just … beat sexism? All right, great, let’s pack it in. Marchers, you can go home now. Planned Parenthood, we good.
I guess now is a good time to casually remind everyone that the Daily Mail did release an article recently where they referred to Prime Minister Teresa May and Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon collectively as, “legsit” (get it? like Brexit but for womens’ legs?) for wearing skirts, so it’s not hard to imagine that the Daily Mail has no fucking clue what it’s talking about when it comes to gender norms. I don’t know if the Daily Mail are trolls and I just fell into their trap or what, but I think it’s safe to
wildly speculate definitevely say that if Nick is letting Vanessa carry her own groceries, he clearly doesn’t love her.
No real man would let his girlfriend struggle under the weight of some moderately full plastic bags when he could use the sheer force of his brute male penile strength to save her from having to exert physical energy—and probably save her from herself in the process. Let’s be real, Vanessa probably insisted on carrying the groceries because she’s on her period or something.
Have Nick Viall & Vanessa Grimaldi Picked a Wedding Date? https://t.co/zhjy0I9ZJA pic.twitter.com/Ern7QrHxAm
— MM Iowa USA (@MMIowaUSA) April 5, 2017
Just look at her. She’s totally PMS-ing. And really, good for Nick for “taking a break from the heavy lifting.” I’m sure he’s exhausted from keeping up the lie that his relationship is based on anything other than a mutual interest for temporary fame.
So thank you, Nick Viall. You’re not the feminist hero this country needs, but you’re very clearly the one we deserve.
Bachelor fans, brace yourselves, because there’s trouble in paradise. Nick and Vanessa are (reportedly) already fighting. Who’s surprised to hear that? Oh right, none of us. The reason may surprise you, though (or it may have if I hadn’t just written it in the headline, oops): Vanessa’s struggling with Nick being more famous than her.
fame-hungry acquaintance “exclusive source” told UsWeekly that Vanessa is having a hard time with Nick being on Dancing With The Stars. “Vanessa’s not used to the attention being mostly on Nick,” the source says, which is pretty funny considering Vanessa met Nick while COMPETING ON THE SHOW HE WAS THE STAR OF. Like, huh? Nick was ALWAYS the center of attention, or did you miss the part where 30 other girls were making out with your boyfriend?
The article doesn’t really go into much more detail than that, probably because a whopping 0% of this is true, but I can easily picture this happening for real. Let’s not forget that Vanessa was trying to be an actress since 2010 before finally landing her biggest role of acting like she can stand Nick Viall. This is the girl who
forced had her special needs kids to take time out of their busy day full of learning to make a scrapbook for some dude she had known for like, two weeks. Because these kids didn’t have anything more important to do, like prepare for their futures or anything. All that is to say, Vanessa clearly thrives on attention. Like, I don’t think we actually saw her eating that much on camera—unlike Corinne and her cheese—so it’s possible she just subsists on references to Canada and attention. Look, I mean, no one’s disproved this theory. So.
And now I’d like to take this moment to bring to your attention the way UsWeekly captioned a photo of Nick and Vanessa:
In case you don’t have your reading glasses on, that says “TV personality Vanessa Grimaldi and dancer Nick Viall attend the ‘Dancing with the Stars’ season 24 premiere” and a bunch of other shit you don’t care about.
“TV personality” is a strong way to describe someone who went on a couple of dates on camera—I would consider Ryan Seacrest more of a true “TV personlity”—but like, sure. I’ll allow it. But “dancer”? Calling Nick a dancer is like calling me a rapper. Like, yes, it’s something I have done in front of a camera when someone Snapchatted me doing “Fuckin’ Problems” at karaoke (crushed it BTW), but to imply that it is my profession is seriously misguided.
So yeah anyway, I imagine the conversation between Nick and Vanessa went something like this:
Vanessa: You’re never around because you’re always off filming shitty spinoffs. What’s a girl gotta do to get some attention around here, puke on you again?
And scene. Anyway, Vaness (can I call you Vaness?), I know how you can get all the attention back on you. It’s pretty simple, actually: you plan a wedding. That way you can command the attentions of your family, friends, and the tabloid news cycle for the entire year and a half it takes to plan the wedding. It worked for Katie Maloney; it can work for you too.
Despite the fact that getting married is literally the point of the show, our least favorite couple in Bachelor history, Nick and Vanessa, aren’t getting married anytime soon. A fact that should come as a surprise to exactly zero people given how much they look like they want to kill each other every time they make a public appearance/every time you rewatch old episodes from the past season.
Yesterday, while backstage at Dancing With The Stars, Us magazine asked Nick if they were planning a wedding. Nick’s response? “No, no… it’s too early for us right now. We’re still just doing a lot of new things together.” I wonder if those “new things” include not being at each other’s throats all the time? One can only hope. Honestly, good for them for trying to spare themselves a lifetime of misery by not rushing into marriage while all signs point to its inevitable demise.
“We’re very open about the fact that we have a long way to go,” Nick said, “and we’re excited about that journey.” Translation: We’re calling this shit off the second Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette starts and our contractual obligations are deemed null and void.
So what’s next for the Bachelor couple? Well, Nick says they’re focused on going back to Montreal to visit Vanessa’s family, which is pretty funny considering the thought of Sunday dinners made him borderline suicidal on The Bachelor. Either way, we probably won’t see a Viall wedding on ABC anytime soon, which, thank fucking god. It’s enough already, although I’m honestly pretty surprised Nick would pass up an opportunity for screen time on his home
planet network. So this must mean he’s got something else up his sleeve. A cameo on Scandal, perhaps? Another stint on Paradise? I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if Nick shows up as a last-minute contestant on Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette. And then he comes in second place again. And they let him be the Bachelor again. And, oh god, I’m never going to be rid of Nick Viall, am I?
Anyway, even though I may be on the verge of a mental breakdown over here, and Nick and Vanessa’s relationship may be (is) a sham, we still cannot forget that Ben and Lauren haven’t even set a wedding date yet—an exceedingly bad move considering their 15 mintues of
relevance fame were up like, six months ago.
Immediately after watching Nick and Vanessa scream at each other off into the sunset, Chris Harrison invites us back to The Bachelor-verse to find out more about exactly how much they have screamed at each other since that day, and to see how Raven and her plastic surgery are doing after being rejected in Finland.
After The Final Rose is generally boring AF, and given that this season of The Bachelor was also boring, Chris Harrison is working hard to get people to stick around, constantly alluding to something “historic” that is going to happen. And even though we all should be able to recognize Chris Harrison’s tricks by now, it works and we all stick around to hear about all the fights Nick and Vanessa have been having and whether or not she’s gonna move to the U.S.
If you, like me, were expecting a Raven post-show makeover, you are mistaken. Raven looks exactly the fucking same (minus a possible casual nose job). She doesn’t even have a new I-Just-Got-Dumped-On-National-Television lob or highlights or anything. Kind of disappointing TBH. Raven would look great with a lob.
Chris: So, why didn’t you like, cry and shit when you got dumped?
Raven: Cry? Lol who am I, Nick? Also I’m going to fucking Paradise now so bye bye Hoxie see you never.
So like, Raven gets to go drink Champagne in Mexico on Orgasm Island and Vanessa gets to…spend her life with Nick Viall. Who is the real winner here?
Then Vanessa comes back and, surprise surprise, four weeks have passed and she’s still annoying.
Chris: We expected there would be some knock-down-drag-out fights between the two of you, have those moments happened?
Vanessa: Every day.
They have apparently not spent much time together between the fact that they’re not allowed to be seen together and they live in different countries, which is why the whole “engagement” thing is pretty tentative right now.
Like, is Vanessa wearing the big-ass ring Nick got her? Duh. But have they like, set a date or invited anyone or really done anything that would signal a wedding will be happening? Nah.
Chris: So you guys haven’t set a date or anything?
Vanessa: Omg no we’re gonna break up as soon as this shoot is over.
Vanessa does reveal that she is leaning toward moving to the U.S. rather than having Nick move to Canada, because who wants free healthcare and a competent leader when you can have….Dancing With The Stars?
Finally, Nick and Vanessa get their annoying asses out of the way so we can get to Rachel, who is continuing this season’s Bachelor post-show trend of wearing a fly AF jumpsuit. So what is this big, “historic,” surprise Chris Harrison keeps talking about?
Chris: Are you excited to start your season of The Bachelorette?
Rachel: Well I—
Chris: CUZ IT’S STARTING RIGHT NOW!!!!!
Much to Rachel’s surprise, her journey to love has already begun, and we all get a sneak peek at the season as she meets four of the corniest dudes I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. Like, seriously, Rachel is a gorgeous lawyer with a fly AF penguin onesie and these clowns are the best the show can do?
So, here are the men in order:
First, Demario, who seemed okay until he had a ring and tickets for them to go to Vegas already prepared. Like, I guess it’s good to know that this dude has enough money to buy two very expensive items that he has a 1/30 chance of actually using, but the whole thing just seemed…extra.
Next we meet Blake—or maybe Blaine? Idk—who looks awkward AF and solidifies that impression by immediately telling Rachel that she “smells good” and telling her that he “wasn’t planning on this” which is an obvious lie. Like…did you just happen to be at the Bachelor studio in a suit when all this was going down? Don’t you have to submit like five applications and a video just to be considered for this show?
Blake then ends his cringeworthy encounter with a horrible side-hug that screams “I’m going to be eliminated week one.”
Enter, Dean who has 30 seconds to let America and Rachel know two things: 1) he is good looking and 2) he is aware that Rachel is black. We knew there was going to be at least one.
Dean: I’m ready to go black, and never go back.
Rachel : Hahahahaha that’s so funny I love that.
Rachel : Dean must be destroyed.
Then, finally, we meet Eric, who uses his time to lay down the following riddle:
Eric: I’m from Baltimore. You’re from Texas. But we’re here right now. I’m happy to be here. It’s a miracle season. What am I?
Rachel: I loved what you just said.
Then the two of them do a little dance as if to say, “Nick’s season is over and it’s time for Rachel! Praise Jesus!”