We’re just about halfway through the National Football League’s regular season, which means that a pretty significant number of males aren’t even worth interacting with at the moment. I’m not a statistician, or even really someone who knows a lot about sports. However, I am a human being who spends time on social media and in public places that simultaneously serve alcohol and play football games on giant TV screens. So I do know a thing or two about which NFL fans are unbearable.
Whether you’re swiping through a sea of dating app profiles that seem to be filled with tailgating photos, debating whether to get the guy you’re seeing to DTR, or are simply trying to decide if you should go to that work happy hour at a sports bar later, it’s probably worth knowing which NFL fans to avoid at all costs. If the guy you’re interested in is a fan of one of these teams, it’s a red flag. He’s going to be annoying for the next eight weeks (or longer if they make it to the playoffs).
It’s kind of like how I would advise anyone not to date you when you’re doing Whole30, going through a phase where you really love vintage dresses, or when you’re thinking about getting bangs. It’s all you would talk about, and you would sabotage the relationship before it even had a chance to begin. There are just certain times in life where people are too annoying to date. For fans of these teams, that time is now.
5. The Green Bay Packers
If a dude is a Green Bay Packers fan, there is an extremely likely chance that he has spent at least $30 on an enormous piece of foam shaped like cheese. With a hole in it, of course, to stick his f*cking head in and wear as a hat. Do I even need to go any further? This is the definition of a red flag. Stay away.
4. The New York Jets and the New York Giants
Issa tie! Whether he’s a Jets fan or a Giants fan, it’s going to be extremely annoying for you to constantly hear about why he has chosen a lifelong dedication to either team. It doesn’t matter if he claims to be a purist, and roots for the Giants because they’ve been around longer. Or if he’s a fan of the Jets because he enjoys losing his grandfather brought him to all of the games as a kid. Either way, if he has a reason to word vomit about how much he hates a football team from the same city that shares the same stadium (in another state, no less), it’s a can of worms you don’t want to ever open. There is no “right” answer, and that’s that.
3. The Dallas Cowboys
The Dallas Cowboys have not won a Super Bowl in 22 years, yet they’ve been the most valuable sports team in the WORLD for the past three years, according to Forbes. Like, they’re more profitable than any soccer team, and the rest of the world is totally obsessed with soccer. I mean, it’s just simple math. If you’re falling for a Cowboys fan, you’re falling for a dude who throws a sh*t ton of money at a team that has not won a Super Bowl since he still had baby teeth. What other trash decisions is he capable of making? These are the questions you must ask yourself while you try to decide if he’s worth double texting.
2. The Philadelphia Eagles
Everyone knows that every year, fans of the team that has most recently won a Super Bowl are on a 365-day tear to remind everyone that they’re Super Bowl champs. Therefore, they should be avoided at all costs during that reign of terror. Even if Eagles fans weren’t still reeling from the Super Bowl LII win, they’d still be pretty annoying. Like… congrats on your discounted hoagie or coffee that you’ve received as part of whatever promotion Wawa is hosting following a win? Can we talk about literally anything else? Perhaps their only saving grace is that they beat the team that carries the most annoying fanbase on its back. Which brings me to…
1. The New England Patriots
Good GOD. There is nothing worse than a New England fan. Before you maniacs find me and try to tell me about how Boston is the “city of Champions” for literally every sport (even though you’re from what? New Hampshire? Maine? Do you even have WiFi up there?), I’d like to disclose that I am from New England, and would like to be removed from this narrative. A guy who is a New England fan is immediately undateable by default. Simply because he thinks that rooting for a team that wins everything is some kind of personal achievement. Do you guys realize that “New England” technically includes six separate states? The odds of you living in an area in which you are basically forced to root for this team are pretty solid. While I’m at it, I’d like to mention that drinking Bud Light, following Barstool on Instagram, and worshipping Gronk are not legitimate personality traits. If the guy you’re into is a Pats fan, it is a major red flag. And you need to get out of there as fast as you can.
Images: Giphy (3)
Congratulations! If you’re reading this, it means you made it through another Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year when it’s basically a requirement that you sit down and watch sports. Even though your mind was probably on Kylie Jenner having her baby, you still had to like, be in the room while football was happening. But everyone really only watches the Super Bowl for three things: delicious junk food, the half time show, and the commercials. We can’t physically send you food through your computer screen, and we’re kind of sick of talking about Justin Timberlake, but let’s talk shit about commercials.
This year, a 30-second ad during the Super Bowl cost about $5 million, so all these companies better fucking hope they didn’t waste their coins on a lame commercial. Really, there are probably like six ad teams around the country just waiting to be fired today once their boss sees that their commercial flopped. We’re looking at you, Dodge commercial that tried to use a Martin Luther King speech to sell trucks. Come on guys, not a good look. So while you were busy shoving your face with seven-layer dip and escaping to the bathroom with your girlfriends, we came up with our ranking of the best Super Bowl commercials this year. And yeah, we probably missed some, it’s really not that serious.
10. Michelob Ultra
Chris Pratt is funny and adorable and also very hot when shirtless, and he brings a lot to the table in this commercial. We’re not sure who actually drinks Michelob Ultra, but nevertheless Chris is very excited about it.
9. Squarespace
I can barely get the wifi in my apartment to work, so I’m a little pissed that Keanu Reeves is apparently able to seamlessly build a website in the middle of the desert, but otherwise this is amazing. Am I like, turned on by Keanu Reeves?
8. Tide
While teenagers are busy eating Tide pods, the actual people who work there were hard at work making this epic commercial. Stranger Things star David Harbour makes the case that every ad is a Tide ad, and we kind of almost believe him by the end. It’s a Tide ad.
7. Winter Olympics
While we’re a little disappointed that we haven’t moved past the un-ironic use of “Girl on Fire,” we fucking love the Olympics. This series of ads highlights some of the top Team USA athletes, so you’ll know who to pay attention to.
6. Jack in the Box
I’ve never eaten at Jack in the Box, but when someone says the words “Martha Stewart feud” I usually appear within 10 seconds. Martha and Jack have some serious beef (or chicken, I guess) over their new sandwich, and when she takes off her earrings, you know it’s serious.
5. NFL
Was being in this commercial the Giants’ punishment for having one of the worst seasons ever? That’s unclear, and it’s also unclear why the NFL needs a commercial while 100 million people are *currently* watching an NFL game, but we’re here for the dancing.
4. Groupon
Tiffany Haddish is a national treasure and she must be protected at all costs. Tiffany dismisses the haters that say using Groupon makes her cheap, because who has time for that kind of negativity? We need to go to a spa with her ASAP.
3. Pepsi
Pepsi flawlessly rebounds from last year’s Kendall Jenner fiasco with a nod to its historic commercials throughout the years. We see Cindy Crawford, Michael Jackson, and our lord and savior Britney Spears, and it’s all narrated by Jimmy Fallon. Four for you Pepsi, you go Pepsi.
2. Amazon Alexa
If Amazon is going to take over the world, please let it be like this. In this ad, Alexa loses her voice and is replaced by a bunch of celebrities, including Cardi B and Rebel Wilson. Fuck country music, you’re listening to “Bodak Yellow” tonight.
1. Doritos & Mountain Dew
Add this to the list of things we never knew we needed. Morgan Freeman and Peter Dinklage engage in a rap battle and we are literally screaming the whole time. If you spent all of ninth grade trying to memorize the Busta Rhymes verse in “Look At Me Now,” prepare to be jealous because Peter Dinklage still knows the whole thing. Brb watching this on repeat for the next seven hours.
As Americans who proudly DGAF about sports but still want to partake in a national tradition we’ll never understand, we really have no other choice than to eat an endless amount of calories during the Super Bowl. Super Bowl parties are known to include every American high-fat culinary embarrassment from mac and cheese to spicy wings, and unless you intend on getting through the game by drinking a room-temp Corona Light and pretending to understand what’s going on, you’ll be eating. Making healthy choices during the Super Bowl is almost impossible, but if you’re looking to host or attend a Super Bowl party without eating a month’s worth of calories in one day, here are the foods to avoid and some healthier alternatives to consider:
1. Fully Loaded Nachos
Super bowl nachos are basically a death sentence, but they’re also tragically amazing. Like, whoever invented these was definitely stoned and had definitely been working too many hours at Taco Bell. If you really insist on having some, try grabbing from the corners of the bowl, where the chips aren’t completely drenched in cheese and sour cream. If you’re hosting your own party, bake your own zucchini chips or kale chips and season the shit out of them. They’re obviously not hardcore nachos, but they’re way less calories and still taste good, so don’t knock it.
2. Buffalo Wings
Apparently Americans eat 1.33 billion chicken wings during the Super Bowl every year, and they all regret it the next morning. Wings are always a bad call if you’re trying to stay somewhat healthy. Don’t try to convince yourself that you need protein, because it just doesn’t count. If you’re making your own, try a basic recipe with no added sugars, using just tomato sauce, garlic, onion, honey, apple cider vinegar, paprika, and salt and pepper. Always bake instead of fry. If you’re eating them out of a red KFC bucket, they’re probably a lot worse for you than you’d think. Put down the wings.
3. Pigs In A Blanket
Okay, YUM. If you didn’t spend your adolescent years heating up frozen pigs in a blanket and french fries after school, I’m so sorry for you. These are addictive, but honestly unless you have the self control of a Victoria’s Secret model, don’t get started with these. You’d think they’re so small and harmless, but eating only four of these equates to over 20 grams of fat, so be careful. You tell yourself you’ll only have a few, and then suddenly you’re Guy Fieri going ham at a random diner in the midwest. If you need something to snack on while refreshing Instagram watching the game, I’d stick with pita chips and hummus as a safer option.
4. Queso Dip
We already spoke about cheesy nachos, but let’s take a moment to discuss queso, the dip that is essentially glorified melted cheese. With some butter and milk. Maybe a sprinkle of garlic and cayenne pepper, but we all know the cheese is the real star here. This dip is a heart attack in a bowl, and honestly it’s really not worth the calories if you’re *basically* sober at 5pm on a Sunday. If there’s guac around, go for that instead, and if you’re making your own dip, find a spinach artichoke dip recipe made with Greek yogurt and light mayo. It’s a fraction of the calories, it’s delish, and if it means avoiding 400 grams of fat, we’re here for it.
5. Chili
Chili is made in different ways so we can’t say all of them are horrible for you, but usually, if you’re consuming a dish made from ground beef, beer, and sour cream, we’re gonna suggest you stay away. Chili is also one of those dishes where no one really has any perception of a serving size, so you just end up eating it like you’re a bottomless pit who just finished a Yom Kippur fast. Instead, go for the salmon burger, the grilled chicken, or even the meatballs would be a better option. At least in that case you can count how many you’ve had.
6. Soda
We’ve already accepted the fact that you’ll be blackout by the halftime show, so let’s disregard alcohol calories for a second. If you’re mixing your drinks with soda, or even worse, just sipping on a Regular Sprite because you’re not in the mood for water, put the cup down. You’re eating enough calories at this party to feed a small village. You really don’t need to drink your (non-alcoholic) calories, too. Keep your alcohol choices simple and avoid all regular sodas and sugary syrups. If you’re making a mixed drink, stick with zero-calorie options like La Croix or Diet Coke instead. Straight vodka works too. It’s a long game.
Images: Niklas Rhose / Unsplash. Giphy.
Good news: some racist asshole is stepping down from his position because everyone hates him. Bad news: I’m not talking about Trump. I’m talking about John Schnatter, or as I like to call him: Who? Schnatter is the CEO of Papa John’s, and will be stepping down in the new year after receiving backlash for talking shit about the NFL for not stopping their players from kneeling during the national anthem. Bye, bitch.
Papa John’s is the official pizza sponsor for the NFL, which I did not know, because who fucking cares. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Papa John’s when I’m in a full blackout…but I also love everyone in my Uber Pool when I’m in a full blackout. Anyway, the pizza chain was having some serious declines in sales, so Schnatter took it upon himself to comment on the social movement of NFL players silently protesting by kneeling during the Star Spangled Banner. He stated, “The NFL has been a long and valued partner over the years. But we’re certainly disappointed that the NFL and its leadership did not resolve the ongoing situation to the satisfaction of all parties long ago.This should’ve been nipped in the bud a year-and-a-half ago.” He also implied that the protests were the reason for poor sales at Papa John’s, because apparently blaming PoC for all your problems is white men in power’s fav activity. Also, lol to a peaceful protest against racial injustice in this country being referred to as an “ongoing situation” that “should’ve been nipped in the bud.” GTFO of here, Daddy Johnny.
People were hella pissed about what Schnatter said, you know, because it was offensive AF. So, Schnatt Daddy had to apologize on Twitter. He said, “The statements made on our earnings call were describing the factors that impact our business and we sincerely apologize to anyone that thought they were divisive.” Please note that he doesn’t really say sorry, but apologizes to anyone who “thought” his comments were “divisive.” Nothing like an apology that actually blames who you’re apologizing to.
THE PUBLIC: Wow, John Schnatter’s comments were racist AF.
JOHN SCHNATTER: I’m sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. It’s not your fault you’re so gap-toothed.
Anyway, Schnatter will be officially getting fired stepping down on January 1st, so I guess count that as the first gift of 2018. I suggest celebrating by ordering Domino’s and eating it in the streets while you’re still too drunk to care, like the messy bitch you are.
Oh, and don’t worry, Lil Jon has already offered his services to become the new Papa John, and a Papa John’s rep responded “OKAAYYY!” so the company should be back on track in no time.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
You’ve survived your summer blackout and are finally going to relax this fall, right? Wrong. Obviously the summer was just training you for the marathon season that is football. Whether or not you care about football is not the point. The point is football means getting day drunk, screaming at the TV, and good ratios when it comes to hot bros at the bar. Even better is guys will be wearing their team shirts, which means you can immediately learn enough about them to know if your parents will get along with his. If you truly want to lock in your fall social plans, you want to join a fantasy football league. Here’s how to make it through without looking like you’re just there for the wings.
Know Who’s Injured
You don’t need to know every single player there is, because much like the real world, you only need to know the top 10%. However, you should know who’s sitting out for the first few weeks because of an injury. This isn’t hard information to discover mostly because men are obsessed with the health of their players and Google exists. If only guys paid as much attention to us as they do when one of their starting players has a reported sprained ankle. Avoid drafting injured players first, but if there’s an especially strong pick with rumored injury, you can prob put him on your bench if you want to take the risk.
Don’t Draft A Quarterback First
Honestly, we know you probably want to draft or kill Tom Brady, but the key to fantasy football isn’t usually in the quarterbacks. You def want to have a strong quarterback, but the points are going to come in the Running Backs and Wide Receivers, so don’t waste your first round on the only player in the NFL you know.
The Draft Is An Open Book Test
Literally don’t worry about memorizing any stats, because the answers are all out there and you’re allowed to look them up. There’s plenty of lists on sports websites and blogs that will rank the players in the draft for fantasy for you. You can literally look at a list while the draft is happening and cross check to see if you’re making a smart decision. Ultimately it’s all going to come down to luck anyway, so as long as you have players that can run and catch, you’re going to do decent.
Pay Attention To Bye Weeks
You don’t need to memorize the entire schedule, but if there’s a bye week coming up, you want to make sure all your key players aren’t from the same team. Basically it just means that those teams are taking a break that week.
Don’t Draft Players All From The Same Team
Much like you wouldn’t want to date all of the guys in the same friend group, you also want to vary your options when it comes to football. Sure you might be a “diehard” Broncos fan, but fantasy football is about individual players’ performances, not an entire team. Hence why it’s called fantasy football and not real life football.
It’s Okay To Ask For Suggestions
But don’t necessarily trust everyone. Guys will automatically turn on their mansplaining mode to help you out if you act just a little dumb, but they might also have ulterior motives, considering they truly do not want to lose to you, a female. Therefore, you can solicit suggestions, but if too many men tell you not to draft one player, they probably just want to draft him for their team.
At the end of last week, the mess that is 2017 so far continued when it was announced that hot actress Olivia Munn and hot football player Aaron Rodgers had broken up after more than three years together. Just recently it was rumored that they were engaged, but apparently that wasn’t in the cards. They remain “close friends and wish nothing but the best for each other moving forward,” which in non-publicist language probably means Aaron is glad to be rid of that bitch Olivia, and Olivia feels bad for the next girl who has to deal with Aaron’s weirdly shaped dick. Just speculating here as a completely objective third party with absolutely no personal interest in the matter…
In case you’re not sure exactly who we’re talking about right now, Aaron is Jordan Rodgers’s brother, as in the one who’s engaged to JoJo from The Bachelorette. The plot thickens. Actually, JoJo told Us Weekly about how supportive the Rodgers family was just a few hours before news of the split got out. So it’s unclear who she was talking about, but it seems obvious from that statement that despite how hard JoJo tried, she never got to be friends with Aaron and Olivia. Anyway, against all odds, JoJo and Jordan’s relationship has outlated Aaron and Olivia’s. I think I speak for all of us when I say:
Apparently, most of Aaron’s family was not a fan of Olivia, so he’s basically been totally estranged from them recently. And look how well that went! Tbh we kind of understand his family’s concern, because Olivia is super hot but she always looks like she’s keeping a secret that would fuck up your whole life. Or maybe that’s just her face, idk. Their reasons were—get this—they “didn’t think she was dating him for the right reasons.” Honestly, the irony is so beautiful I could cry.
Either way, Aaron is back on the market now, and he can presumably start talking to his family again. Honestly, if Aaron’s up for it he should go on the next season of The Bachelorette. It obviously worked out super well for his brother, and sweet Rachel would probably a welcome change from probably-psycho Olivia. It might conflict with his football training schedule (we have no clue when that shit starts), but he could probably get a note excusing him or something. Chris Harrison, please make this happen, okay?
If you watched The Bachelorette and/or your bf makes you pretend to like football, you know who Aaron Rodgers is. If it’s the former, Aaron Rodgers is the older brother of Jordan Rodgers, the douchebag winner from Jojo’s season. If the latter, he’s like, a really really good professional football player. He was sketchily not involved in The Bachelorette when Jordan was on the show, but that could easily be because he’s actually talented and is embarrassed he’s related to a Bachelorette contestant (valid). But it turns out he has beef not just with Jordan, but with the entire Rodgers fam. Aaron hasn’t spoken to his whole family in two years, and his dad said it, so like, that’s shit is probs true because dads don’t lie.
The dad’s name is Ed—which is a classic dad name if I ever heard one—and he said the last time they talked to Aaron was in 2014, and he wouldn’t have chosen to air “public laundry” the way Jordan did. Lol, aka they wish he hadn’t blabbed about their family shit on national TV. How much does that suck for Mr. and Mrs. Rodgers? Aaron is clearly the favorite. I mean, when your two choices are an MVP/Super Bowl-winning quarterback and a dude who went on The Bachelorette one time, your decision is kinda made for you, amiright? And that’s the one who isn’t speaking to you. Bless their hearts.
Aaron’s response to this whole drama has more or less been, “I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.”
Tbh, doesn’t seem like this is gonna get better anytime soon. Especially now that dad is talking to the press about it. But here’s hoping. Mainly so Jordan can go back to being the black/less-successful-in-every-way sheep of the family.
