7 People Who Will Def Be Cast In The Inevitable Trump Crime Movie

With the world crumbling around us, it feels more and more comforting to block out all reality and go into la la land. Psychologists call is dissociating. I call it getting through the day. One particularly fun place to go after reading the nineteenth headline of the week about something shady Trump or the White House has done is casting what will inevitably be a nail-biting Netflix mini series and/or Oscar winning film about this administration that our grandkids will watch and be like, “Nana is this sh*t true?”

Paul Manafort/Bryan Cranston

Give me Bryan Cranston for this role. He hasn’t had a role this good since Breaking Bad and think about how he’ll just nail the walking in and out of courtrooms in a preppy suit. Plus, we already know he can act in a prison jumpsuit.

Michael Cohen/Steve Carrell

It isn’t just the fact that I’ve been bingeing The Office all week, but I want Steve Carrell to put on 30 pounds and a New York accent and knock this one out of the park. He can do Cohen’s clueless dummy look and within milliseconds switch it into imbecilic rage. It’s a nuanced role that mixes both comedy and serious acting and Carrell was made for it.

Maria Butina/Madelaine Petsch

Those of you who watch Riverdale recognize Petsch as Cheryl Blossom, but all I can see is her future Oscar nom for portraying Maria Butina, the millennial Russian spy who literally slept her way into the NRA. Honestly wouldn’t mind a rom-com spinoff series about Butina specifically.

Melania Trump/Renee Zellweger

Renee Zellweger with a dusty brown blowout is a dead ringer for Melania. They have the same squint and Zellweger has good practice with accents (see: Bridget Jones) I think it’s time we put her in something more dramatic, too. Break out of the rom-com genre.

Ivanka/Natalie Portman

There are plenty of blonde actresses out there who could really whip out a convincing spoiled daddy’s girl character or a “can I speak to the manager?” monologue, but I particularly want to see Natalie Portman nail this one. She’s already gone into dark places with Black Swan and Annihilation, so this shouldn’t be too much more difficult than that. Plus, having gone to Harvard she can really get into the trust fund baby mindset I’m sure she witnessed regularly there.

Jared Kushner/Miles Teller

Okay so who is good for the silent but deadly role? I want to say Miles Teller. He has an innocent and bread-like look to him, which is really the essence of Jared. Put him in a flak jacket and Teller is up for Best Supporting.

Donald Trump/Orange Bag Full Of Sand

I’ve worked on a few film sets and often to stabilize the lighting and rigs there are heavy sandbags. Let’s put a wig on one of them and have it portray our current Commander in Chief. All of Trump’s life has led up to him being played by a sandbag, in my opinion.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

All The Gross Details On Trump’s Affair With Porn Star Stormy Daniels

Look, the last thing I want to be writing about is Donald Trump not having pants on, let alone him having sex with somebody. But because he is our president it is technically news that he stuck his little cheetoh in a porn star named Stormy Daniels while Melania was raising their newborn son.

Like any good drama, there is tons of shade and some missing details. Here’s what we know went down:

In 2006, Trump hooked up with Stormy in Tahoe, which is the wrong town in Nevada to hook up with someone if you don’t want the story to get out later. Unlike in Vegas, what happens in Tahoe will comeback to bite you in the ass during your first year as president.

The Wall Street Journal claimed that Trump’s lawyer paid Stormy $130,000 the month before the election to keep mum about the hotel sex.

Following that article Stormy Daniels denied having the affair with Trump. But this statement was released through Trump’s lawyer. So, like, giving that an extreme side eye.

Predating both the Wall Street Journal and Trump’s lawyer’s statement, was an interview with elite literary publication In Touch Weekly, where Stormy admitted to having sex with Don.

Her friend Randy Spears, a name made for tabloid magazines, corroborated that story back in 2011, when the interview came out.

Stormy called Donald’s sex “textbook generic” which is literally the saddest thing about this story. If anyone ever described my sex as “textbook generic” I’d call up Disney’s Make-A-Wish foundation and beg to die.

I, personally, am one to believe a busty porn star with the name of an old ship’s captain, but I guess it is all still up for debate. What is insane though is that this story is like, not even the biggest headline at the moment. It’s like eighth on the docket of insane things happening this week. I can’t help but feel though that if this were a Democrat who had an affair with an adult porn star, Republicans would be hysterically crying upon a mountain of grocery store bibles, claiming they’ve never even heard of porn. But we’d all know that is a lie because those dudes need to get off to something after mercilessly fucking over the whole country as a fulltime job.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!