Good morning, idiot hookers, and once again congratulations for making it to Thursday, which is basically Friday. It’s officially (almost) the end of another long AF week and I’ve spent the last few days avoiding answering work emails in favor of Googling “how to marry rich.” Classic. For those of you who aren’t living in the city that never sleeps with the same person twice, New York can be like, v hard to meet people. Especially if you’re aiming higher than a fuckboy on Bumble. NYC is supposed to be the land of possibilities and one of those possibilities should be landing your own wolf of Wall Street. You know, if your wolf looks less like Leo Dicaprio and more like Chuck Bass with a dad bod left over from college and a casual coke problem. A girl can dream.

Tbh finance bros aren’t really my type. My standard for guys is lower—more like drunkest guy at happy hour. Obviously, my mother is v proud. But because I value my journalistic duty like to drink I still definitely hang out at bars where the finance bros gather to drink overpriced beer and whiskey. So here’s a list of the best bars to lock down a finance bro husband so you never have to pretend to love your job again.

1. Dorrian’s Red Hand

Location: Upper East Side

Type of Wealth: He probs has a trust fund

Contrary to what Gossip Girl led us to believe, the Upper East Side is not actually the be-all and end-all of the New York social scene. Sorry, B, but I’m gonna have to disagree with you on this. Because, yes, there are finance bros who Serena probs drunkenly slept with in the 10th grade that hang out there but those guys are probably also like, 40. Or they act 40. Either way, I did not sign up to get shitfaced and also talk about where I think the stock market is going this year. Jesus. Just tell me I’m pretty and buy me a drink. That’s literally all it takes. (Again, my mother is so proud.) In case you need me to paint a clearer picture for you, you know that guy with the dad bod and casual coke problem that I mentioned before? That’s the type that frequents Dorrian’s Red Hand. The type that’s posted up by the bar 3-4 days a week drinking over-priced whiskey sours and talking about his boarding school glory days. Hurry, girls, get him while he’s still single!

2. The Jane Hotel

Location: West Village

Type of Wealth: He could be related to Chuck Bass

The West Village/Chelsea is going to be the best hunting ground for rich AF husband material. Something about the low-key models running around in athleisure gear taking their damn time in the Starbucks line at 9am just screams money. Idk why. And the Jane Hotel is a staple among the rich and the kind of boring. You know it’s boujee AF because there’s a fucking dress code to get in and champagne is like, $12 a glass. Keeping with the Gossip Girl analogies here, the Chuck Basses of the world def frequent The Jane. But like, season one Chuck Bass who wore an unreasonable amount of Ralph Lauren polo shirts and tried to low-key rape high school freshmen. Charming.

Random Bar Bro:

Me:

3. The Ainsworth

Location: Chelsea

Type of Wealth: He bought votes to win his frat’s presidential election

First of all, the vibe of this place is just confusing. There’s like, chandeliers and shit but also dudes in button downs aggressively drinking beer and watching Sports Center. I can honestly say I’ve only ever been to this bar once and it was on St. Patrick’s Day when I was blackout celebrating the Irish spirit, which tbh are really the best circumstances for feeling out a crowd. For example, I watched a grown man in a nice suit wait in line for 15 minutes for the WOMEN’S BATHROOM. Which should speak to the intelligence of the bar’s clientele and also how much that crowd likes to drink. That being said, he also looked like the kind of guy who would offer to pay for more than just a shot of Fireball or the shittiest beer on tap so, like, I was here for it. I imagine this is the kind of bar where that 19-year-old with a really great fake that you met at Houston Hall one time goes when he grows up hits 25 and has a crisis of conscience. Hope to see ya soon, buddy!

4. PJ Clarke’s

Location: Chelsea

Type of Wealth: He casually owns a boat

I had to include another outdoor bar because I so enjoy day drinking for the Insta. Not only does this bar guarantee you a new riverside profile pic, but it also guarantees you a lot of time spent in the company of men who wear shit like this:

Sadly, I’d probably hit that with the right amount of alcohol in my system. *laughs uncomfortably* Similar to The Frying Pan, there’s definitely a preppy Southern vibe here but unlike at The Frying Pan, these people aren’t fronting to be rich assholes because actually are rich assholes. Definitely hit this place up on summer Fridays and be sure to wear your sluttiest pastels. This crowd will eat that shit up.

5. Brother Jimmy’s

Location: Midtown East

Type of Wealth: He’ll offer to split the rent with you in Jersey

Andddd we’re back to this hell hole of an establishment. In a previous post I mentioned that this bar is a place where New Jersey commuting douchebags hang out and also maybe Trump supporters. Well, in a complete and totally expected turn of events, these Jersey commuting assholes and worshipers of a human Cheeto also work in finance. It’s really a special place. If you go there, prepare to spend a fuck ton of money on a very shitty vodka soda and have forced conversation with some guy trying to sell you on coming back to his place… in HOBOKEN. Look, I have nothing against Hoboken. I once dated was in a Snapchat relationship with a guy who lived in Hoboken who was always saying stuff like “it’s not that far” but I’m pretty sure New Jersey Transit is involved and I do not fuck with that. Okay, so I may have made that last part up. I could be the PATH? Truthfully, I have no idea how you get to Hoboken but I assume it’s about as traumatic as the one time I did try to take New Jersey Transit and got lost by the TGI Friday’s in Penn Station. Regardless, there’s only so far I’m willing to take my hoe ass and I draw a hard line at the New York state border. 

If all else fails you can just wander down Stone Street. It’s the mecca for after-hours finance dudes looking to forget the fact that their 200K+ salary won’t replace their personalities. You’ll know you’ve found the place when you see a group of sad looking guys in suits drinking tiny cocktails that cost the same amount of money as my share of the cable bill. 

So your friends are in town for the weekend and their knowledge of New York is more limited than the Birthday Edition Kylie Lip Kit. I mean, you can’t blame these poor non-New Yorker souls. For whatever terrible reason, they decided not to follow the rest of the post-grad world to New York after college and now they’re just SO confused by the city. (It’s on a grid system, you simple bitch!) You want to give your guests the best New York experience while taking them to places that are trendy but also amazing—and for the record, that doesn’t include the goddamn cookie DŌ line. Here’s where you need to go out to eat.

1. Emily West Village

Emily recently opened its West Village location after swarms of hipsters went crazy for its sister restaurant, Emmy Squared. While Emmy quickly became the pizza mecca of Brooklyn (debatably second place after Roberta’s, but no one has the time for that line), Emily totally kills the pizza game too. The reason we love this location is because it’s SO much more than good pizza. The vibes are fun for a night out, and they also serve burgers and side dishes that will make you forget how many man buns are present at the table next to you. It’s basically very good food in a very cool atmosphere. You can’t not love it.

2. Cafeteria

Cafeteria is probably our favorite Chelsea spot, and we like that it’s close enough to Meatpacking so that you can get drinks before or after dinner without having to get on the subway (ew) or get in a cab. Cafeteria has those NY late-night diner vibes with a chic twist, and the tables outside are amazing for judging people watching. They also have a downstairs area that seats more people per table, which is helpful if you’re with a big group. FYI, the truffle fries are crack. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

3. La Esquina Brasserie

If your visitors love Mexican food but the thought of a Saturday night at Dos Caminos makes you cringe (good girl), take them to La Esquina in Nolita. The location itself is a ton of fun, and the food and cocktails are amazing. The vibe is a bit more Latin American than your typical tacos and margaritas place, so if you’re into trying unique combos, you’ll love this place. Even if you’re not, just go. Like, does anyone have anything bad to say about tequila and guac? Seriously, let me know because I’ll unfriend.

4. Lure Fishbar

Lure Fishbar is one of those places that has been around for over a decade, but it’s always a good time. It’s also managed to remain a New York staple without being cliché or overdone, like Levain Bakery or Serafina’s. Lure is obviously a more expensive dinner, so make sure you’re with the right crowd that wants to drop over $40 on slow baked Halibut. Or just wait until your parents visit and want to take you out for dinner. Seriously though, if you’re looking for good seafood and a fun bar scene, Lure is a great place to go. You basically feel like you’re dining on a yacht when you’re really like, 20 feet from Brandy Melville’s Soho location. It’s magical.

5. Atla

Atla opened pretty recently, and we’re pretty sure the line to get inside is filled with people who don’t have day jobs or are just scouting the area in the hopes that Gigi Hadid will come out of her across-the-street apartment building. I mean, every table has a pair of sunglasses on it, and we’re starting to think it’s just an accessory to have in the background of the goat cheese toast Instagram. Either way, Atla serves casual, Mexican-American style food made by the chef who owns Cosme, aka where the Obamas eat on vacation. It’s super cute and it’s worth checking out.

6. by CHLOE.

If you have visitors who are vegan or vegetarian, you’ll need an option that will make you forget the fact that you’re eating $16 sponges tofu on a Thursday night. By CHLOE. kills the veggie game without killing any animals in the process. The burgers are too good to actually be healthy, and the kale caesar salad will literally change your life. Try to go during off-peak hours to avoid a line of Postmates guys and NYU students wearing chokers. They have a few locations around the city now, but the Flatiron location prob has the most seating if you’re with a few people and don’t want to squeeze at the community table with randoms. I’d rather stay home.

7. Minnie’s on Clinton

Minnie’s is one of those Lower East Side restaurants that’s too cool to have an actual defined cuisine, but that’s why we love it. Whether you’re with people who are into extreme comfort food or just want some light sides, Minnie’s has all of that, and they do it really well. The brick wall atmosphere is super intimate and cute, and you definitely don’t have to worry about being underdressed. It’s basically low-key dining done right.

8. SushiSamba

Out of towners love to complain that New York sushi isn’t as good as *fill in the random-state blank.” While we’re not sure where this kind of hate is coming from, we’re down to challenge it. SushiSamba serves amazing sushi and it’s unlike any other place your guests have ever been (unless they’ve been to the Miami location.) SushiSamba’s food is actually a Japanese-Brazilian-Peruvian fusion, so the rolls are unique and really cool. If you’ve never considered fresh mozzarella on your crispy rice roll, it’s time to rethink your sushi palette. Not judging though. You’re not from here. 

New York fucking City is not only the best city in the entire U.S., but in the entire world. I’ll pretend like you didn’t already know that, though. If you live here, you know that putting up with a disgusting amount of man buns, rat-infested subways, and questionable drug pushers is all worth it because no other place will ever be good enough. If you don’t live here, then I know you wish you did—otherwise, you would’ve never applied to NYU for grad school to begin with. The city is home to rooftops you can simultaneously tan and blackout at (a betch’s two talents), Instagram-worthy food you won’t find anywhere else, and a shit ton of your favorite celebrities because all those songs about NYC aren’t just for nothing.

Whether you’re a true New Yorker or (annoying) tourist, I’m sure you think you’ve hit up plenty of boujee rooftops and overpriced festivals in the past few months but there’s only six weeks of this life-threatening heat wave summer left. It’s time to really amp up the crucial areas of your life (social, sex, Instagram) with the most perfect (and only) summer bucket list you’ll need. Realistically, if you’re seriously bored in New York City, then it’s your own goddamn fault.

^^^ Literally every time someone gets kicked out of a bar in the city.

1. Watch An Outdoor Movie With A View

Since suburbs or anything resembling John Deere-obsessed hicks are a foreign concept to those of us who are only outdoorsy in the sense that we enjoy blacking out on rooftops, that means drive-in theaters are pretty much non-existent, too. That is unless you’re willing to drive like, an hour away, aka I literally don’t have my license that’s not happening. Get the same experience, only better, by visiting Bryant Park on Monday nights or Brooklyn Bridge Park on Thursday nights for free film viewings. Ditch the Netflix and chill for once and bring the blanket here instead. Best part? It’s free.

2. Buy Something With Too Many Calories At Smorgasburg

Even if you go every weekend year, there will always be new additions to the city’s most Instagrammed food market in Brooklyn. This summer, find something you haven’t tried yet at Smorgasburg and get it for the likes. I’m not saying you actually have to eat it (does anyone eat the food they Insta?), all I’m saying is you’re guaranteed triple-digit likes.

3. Attend A Free Outdoor Concert In One Of NYC’s Parks

This really grool program, SummerStage, hosts hundreds of free concerts scattered across the five boroughs. In efforts to represent diversity and other good deeds for the city, the summer festival brings in a wide range of artists and genres to perform. Whether you’ve heard of them or not, it’s free fucking live music where you can buy beers and call yourself cultured or some shit.

4. Soak Up The Sun With Wine In The High Line Park

Despite all of the nightclubs we love in Meatpacking, it’s also the start of an elevated public park that’s built right on a historic train line. The High Line (don’t get it twisted with the hotel) runs from Gansevoort Street all the way to West 34th. It’s a little under 2 miles long so if you walk the whole thing, it totally counts as cardio for the week day. The park features perfect sunbathing chairs, cute little carts with famous popsicles, and most importantly, an outdoor cafe with a huge selection of beer and wine. Watch the sunset and stay for their stargazing events. You’ll have enough Instas to last you like, a week.

5. Order A Beer Pitcher From The Oldest Beer Garden In NYC

It may be a tad out of the way but, once again, YOLO. So if it means venturing out to Astoria by taking the N or the Q, you’ll live. The oldest and one of the biggest beer gardens in the city is right in Astoria, Queens. They have a menu full of dozens of beers and wines, so even if you just “don’t like beer,” you’ll def find one that tastes almost like Bud Light. Or, you can just resort to your usual wine. Their happy hours consist of $4 mugs and $14 pitchers—a deal you can’t pass up in a city that’s expensive af.

6. Score A Poolside Pic At One Of JIMMY’s Summer Pool Parties

This exclusive hotel in SoHo only opens its pool to the public without a cover charge on Saturdays and Sundays at 3pm. A Jimmy Pool Party has everything you need for a solid pregame or curing a bad hangover. With live DJs, stocked bar, too many guys in finance, and a pool with stunning views, it’s everything you need for the perfect photo op. Use your own discretion for risking possible STDs in the pool, but other than that, you’ll have no problem finding enough room for a Bambi candid on the poolside. While you’re at it, use our guide for other rooftop bars you should blackout at ASAP.

7. Visit “The Happiest Place On Earth” At Least Twice

This is a must-do for any Hamptons- or beer-lover—so like, everyone. Have you had your Instagram flooded with people covered in yellow fucking smiley face stickers, looking like they’re having the time of their lives? Well, they’re def at The Boardy Barn. Open only on Sundays (rain or shine), this outdoor tented bar is the place Long Islanders love to get wasted by 3pm at. Its specials are basically “dollar beer nights” on crack. So, like a shit show. Be prepared to get beer for no more than a couple dollars accompanied with some mud, 90s hits, and a pizza counter for those drunchies. Admission is $20 but all so very worth it. No wonder this place closes at 8pm, you’ll be blackout by like, 6pm.

8. Get Buzzed Off Of Ice Cream

The gods have heard us. Alcohol + ice cream is now very much a thing. Located in Kips Bay, Tipsy Scoop features a plethora of flavors all infused with alcohol up to five percent. They range from Mango Margarita Sorbet, Cake Batter Vodka Martini, to Spiked Hazelnut Coffee. If you come during their afternoon happy hours, you can get two for the price of one. What a pregame game-changer.

9. Eat On The Water

The Frying Pan, a literal floating lighthouse, is located on Pier 66 on West 26th. Impress your friends with serious brunch upgrades by opting to eat and drink on this docked bar with an unreal view of the Hudson River. You can choose from a number of beers, wines, and liquors, as well as a variety of food to hold you over. Since The Frying Pan is right on the water, you probs won’t be able to tell the difference between you actually being drunk or just moving along with the waves. Either way, you won’t even care, just try not to vom.

10. Splurge On An Overpriced Music Festival On Some NYC Island

Your summer isn’t really complete until you pay like, $300 for a music festival you hardly remember in New York. With Panorama coming up this weekend, what better time to spend an obscene amount of money on a festival full of good music, wannabe hippies, and an unhealthy amount of alcohol. The upcoming 3-day music fest will take place on Randall’s Island, featuring artists like Frank Ocean, Tame Impala, Kiiara, Tyler the Creator, and tons of other people you probably don’t know. The creators of Coachella came up with this festival too so, this is as close as you’ll get to being Vanessa Hudgens on the East Coast anyway. See the full lineup and buy tickets here.

READ: Best First Date Bars To Take Your Next Bumble Bro

Every betch has experienced this moment online dating: you swipe right, he swipes right, you get to talking and he doesn’t immediately seem like the type of person who would wear your skin as a suit. Ah, the romance. But then you inevitably get to the part of the conversation where you have to, like, shatter the illusion meet them IRL. Ugh. And because we live in a world where flaming heaps of garbage can have dating apps you have to be super specific about where you want to meet up. Once I told a guy we should meet up for drinks and was not specific about the locale (though I was specific about the day) and it ended in nudes. Typical. Turns out the day I picked was the same day a freak blizzard hit NYC and everything shut down except for apparently the thirsty AF trolls on Bumble. The troll I was talking to suggested that I was a meteorologist in my spare time and thus knew the blizzard was hitting and in that case would I like to come over to his place to Netflix and chill? This request was then followed up with a mirror selfie of his semi-naked body. I so love being single.

The moral of this story is, be fucking specific about where you want to meet up for a first date. And because it’s 2017 and women have all the power. I mean not when it comes to reproductive rights or anything, but hey, at least we can confidently pick our first date location for a date with our Bumble Bro of the Month. We’ve already established all the places you 100 percent should not go on a first date lest your body parts end up for sale on Craigslist. So here’s a comprehensive guide to all the bars in the city that are perfect date locations whether you’re DTF, ready to find your next victim boyfriend, or trying to make your ex jealous. Dating is so fun, y’all!

1. DYNACO

Location: Bed-Stuy
Date Vibe: I’m nervous you might be ugly
This bar is in Bed-Stuy so you’ll sound edgy AF for suggesting it and also like you know the “real” Brooklyn night scene. Dynaco has a soft spot in my heart because I’ve personally taken a lot of Bumble bros there, so don’t say I’ve never done any research. It’s got a very cool, hipster vibe, in the sense that the place has barely any lighting and the bar is cash only. Gotta love the hipsters. The good news here is that the shitty lighting can work in your favor. Like if you’re having one of those weeks where your body, skin, and hair are ganging up against you to sabotage your happiness. The bad news is your date might be banking on the same fucking thing. If you choose this spot you either need to be super naive trusting of a person’s profile pics or you need to have done some serious stalking on their social profiles beforehand just to make sure you aren’t kittenfished in any way.

2. THE STANDARD BIERGARTEN

Location: Chelsea
Date Vibe: I’d make, like, the chillest fucking girlfriend ever.
The Standard Biergarten is one of my all-time favorite places in the city to blackout in have a good time in. It’’s basically a huge, open, free for all, and an easy enough space to disappear into the crowd if you aren’t vibing your date is short. Plus it’s fun AF, which makes it the perfect first date spot. This is definitely the type of place that says “I want to be your girlfriend” but subtly because you’re holding a beer mug the size of your head. If you suggest this place it makes you seem fun but, more importantly, chill. Like you’re not the type of girl that three weeks in will call him 20 times in a row and message his mom on Facebook for birthday gift recommendations. Lol, got ‘em. 

3. BARCADE

Location: Williamsburg
Date Vibe: I’m DTF with video games & your head.
Have you ever dated a guy before that you literally could not give one shit about impressing? Like, you could call him drunk on New Year’s Eve, profess your undying love for him, and then not call him again for three weeks and he’d still be there waiting in the wings? AND you wouldn’t feel an ounce of embarrassment about your behavior? Yeah, Barcade is that dude of first dates. The beauty of this date spot is that you can take the bro you’re unsure about here and no one will be the wiser. Reminiscent of a vintage arcade, this place is chiller than your living room on Game of Thrones night. Don’t bring someone here if you see some sort of potential with them because this is a hookup only type of place. I, mean, it’s an establishment that promotes playing games for god’s sake. Think about it.

4. MIDDLE BRANCH<

Location: Murray Hill
Date Vibe: I’m here for your money because we have a lot in common
Located in an unmarked two-story townhouse in Murray Hill (vomit), Middle Branch is the typical “cool NYC speakeasy” that you only ever go to to make your friends back home in suburbia feel jealous. And while you normally wouldn’t go to an establishment like this on your own (hello, you want me to pay HOW MUCH for a glass of pinot?), it’s a great place to meet up for a date. Middle Branch reeks of pretentiousness so bring the guy that makes you feel like the Blair to his Chuck Bass. Though I’m sure unlike Blair you’re interested in more than just this guy’s money (lol, k). The vibe here is sexy sophistication and if you choose this spot then you’ll look sexy and sophisticated too and not like the thought of buying a $12 glass of wine makes you want to break out into hives.

5. DOWN THE HATCH

Location: West Village
Date Vibe: Fuck it, let’s take shots
I literally only suggested this place because it’s close to work and that’s kind of their vibe: convenience. Like, Dynaco, it’s not a place to bring someone you might be serious about. But if you’re looking to make out with a virtual stranger have a fun time with your date then this is for sure the place for you. They’ve got foosball and beer pong in the back and happy hour is from 11AM – 8PM because this establishment would be nothing without their patrons undergrads with fake IDs. That said, it’s perfect for the 21 year old you just matched with who thinks you’re “wise” and “endearing” because you’re 25 and have a stable 9-5 job.

6. SALVATION TACO

Location: Murray Hill
Date Vibe: I’m fun and flirty basic AF
Again, you’ll have to brave the douchebag Murray Hill crowd to get to this place, but odds are if you picked this establishment you were probably already meeting that douchebag for your date anyways. A mix between a rooftop happy hour spot and a restaurant with bangin’ tacos, suggesting Salvation Taco will make you seem fun and flirty when really you’re as basic as they come. I, mean, chips and gauc? Margaritas? Were you also in a sorority? Are you currently wearing some sort of Michael Kors designed item on your body? Yeah, you’re basic AF but odds are your date will be too distracted by the rooftop views and lively atmosphere to notice. Be sure to take advantage of the margaritas because one, they’re amazing and two, there’s no better way to start a relationship than by guzzling a substantial amount of tequila to mask your emotional insecurities.

READ: The Best First Date Bars To Lock Down A Finance Bro Husband

August is upon us, which means we’re about to enter that traumatizing stage of summer where it’s too hot to even hit the “continue watching” button on Netflix let alone actually leave your house to go outside and live your life tan. Nope, not gonna happen. That said, I can’t let my laziness this weather deter me from looking like the bronzed goddess I was never genetically supposed to be. My only options now are self-tanner, which puts far too much pressure on me not to fuck up the process, or spray tans, aka the reason I looked like a blond Snooki at my senior year semi-formal. It’s a real Sophie’s choice. But at the end of the day using self-tanner requires the bare minimum amount of work so you know I’m out. Spray tans it is then. And nothing is worse than having to scour through Yelp to see which salon is the least hated by Internet trolls. So lucky for you I’ve braved my friend’s reviews the trolls and picked the best places in NYC to get spray tans without looking like Snooki.

1. Beach Bum Tanning

Location: Chelsea
Average Price: $25
We’re into this place mostly because the price is ridiculous. Like, the last time I found any sort of service for less than $25 in New York City it looked sketchier than a Lifetime movie about online dating. So ya know, I’m glad there’s places like Beach Bum Tanning out there to restore trust issues. Plus the spray tanners at this venue mist on a hydrating toner to help prolong the life of your tan before airbrushing you. Blessings.The staff are also huge fans of contouring while they airbrush. So basically they can spray you ten pounds lighter even though you’ve spent the last 2-3 months being a hedonistic asshole. And they say money can’t buy happiness.

2. Gotham Glow

Location: Midtown
Average Price: $75
The best part about Gotham Glow is that they offer both in-studio services and also house calls. So if you’re lazy AF but, like, still want to look tan (hi) then you have the option of booking the appointment at your home and having the technician come directly to your home to spray tan you. What a world we live in. The in-studio spray tan costs around $75 while the house call service is more like $160 and up, but Gotham Glow is usually worth it. Especially because they can spray you in broader strokes, getting the job done in half the time thus letting you do other important shit with your day like Google whether Cole Sprouse is actually dating his costar on Riverdale because important.

3. Urban Tanz

Location: Williamsburg
Average Price: $60
Urban Tanz claims to be the “best tanning in Brooklyn” but, like, it’s Brooklyn and the average person in that area has the complexion of an extra on the set of Twilight so is that really saying much? That said, this place has hella good deals and discounts for large group packages just in case you and your friends want to GTL on a Saturday before hitting the bars. Definitely hit up Urban Tanz before any bridal/bachelorette events to ensure that no one looks like Casper in the group photo.

4. Faux Glow

Location: Midtown East
Average Price: $90
This place is a little more high-end, but if you can afford to waste your money treat yourself then Faux Glow is definitely worth it. The spray tanners are literal artists and spray you with surgical precision. They’re known for their long-lasting glow, most of which last longer than my online dating relationships (think 10 days) and the glow looks authentic AF.

5. The Spa @ Equinox

Location: Upper East Side
Average Price: $70
If you’re already a member of Equinox then congratuFUCKINGlations you get to be skinny, rich, and tan. Boo, you whore. But if you’re a peasant more like me then you’ll get some sort of sick satisfaction out of going to Equinox knowing that over your dead body would you spend $70 on a gym class but you wouldn’t hesitate to give them all your money for the perfect beach glow. Equinox is brand new to the airbrushing business and, like, they’re v eager to please. They even offer coffee and scones before the session because nothing makes me feel more comfortable shedding all my clothes in front of a stranger than carb loading right before. The session takes about 15 minutes and it’s 100 percent the best 15 minutes you’ll ever spend at the gym because instead of leaving sweaty and feeling like you want to die inside (just me?) you’ll leave looking glowy AF.

READ: 8 Tanning Myths You Should Have Stopped Believing Like, Yesterday

Whether it’s your first summer in New York City or you’ve been here for like, five years but have never even made it to Brooklyn, everyone wants to check out the most hyped up spots in the city. TBH, most of them aren’t worth the train fare. Like, if you’ve ever waited in a two hour line for a cronut at 7am, you know how much of a letdown it was, even after you got 200 likes on your Instagram. Luckily for you, we know the city pretty well and can tell you where not to waste your time this summer. Here are the most overrated spots in the city:

1. Cookie DŌ

The thought of eating a cup of raw cookie dough sounds unbelievable, but there’s a reason you’re not supposed to, and it’s not because of the Salmonella warnings on the package. It’s because it’s fucking gross, and so is this place. If you really want to wait in a three hour line with a bunch of NYU kids and food bloggers, be my guest, but I guarantee this cookie dough isn’t worth it and you’ll get over it after one bite. Waste of time and waste of calories. Do yourself a favor and keep walking.

2. Soho House

As betches, we’ve had the Soho House membership on our bucket lists since Sex and The City, but honestly, it’s overhyped and overcrowded. Having a pool in NYC in the summer is obviously a sick perk, and we have nothing against exclusive memberships, but this one’s just overdone. Like, the geotag isn’t impressive if you’re squished in the pool next to 30 gay guys who are hotter than you doing the exact same photoshoot. Find somewhere else to tan.

3. Smorgasburg

The concept of Smorgasburg would actually be cute if it wasn’t totally abused by every white girl in an 80 mile radius from the tristate area. At its best, Smorgasburg is an outdoor food festival on the water. At its worse, it’s an overly crowded, nauseating, claustrophobic, terrible excuse to take the L train anywhere except Chelsea. Like, if I wanted to Instagram a photo of me eating fried food, I would frame my Snap Story from last Saturday night. Do something better with your Sunday.

4. Trader Joe’s

Sorry to offend anyone who swears by their beloved Trader’s cookie butter or those random cookies near checkout that you didn’t even want, but Trader Joe’s is not worth the crowd or the line (anytime of the year but especially during the summer). Unless you have like, three Xanax on hand and an entire afternoon to kill, I’d skip the Trader’s shopping trip. I know it’s cheap and everything, but is it really worth it? Someone once said that time is money, and I never really thought that quote would come in handy but this seems like an appropriate time for it. Save your time. Stay away.

5. Poke Bowl Places

Okay, I’m not sure when the poke bowl became its own cuisine or why people started mixing Japanese and Hawaiian foods in the first place—like, isn’t it a little too soon?—but these places have taken over the city, and they’re just so overrated. First of all, I’m not a health code inspector or anything, but there’s no way that raw fish being scooped out of a metal bucket is at all fresh. I mean, the whole bowl idea is kind of cute (I guess), but we’d still rather be ditching the line and getting real sushi instead.

6. Central Park

I know Central Park is a New York landmark and it’s beautiful and blah blah blah, but it also low-key sucks. Like, all these randoms are congregating on the grass in their bikinis with no body of water around, and the only view for like five miles is some little league baseball game. Plus, the only food around is a random hot pretzel cart, so you have to literally pack a picnic bag like you’re spending the day at the beach or something. It’s a hassle and it’s not worth it. Oh, and don’t even get me started on public restrooms. I’d rather stay indoors all day.

7. Soho/Broadway Shopping Area

Soho has gotten a lot of hype from movies and TV shows, but any New Yorker knows it’s not that great for shopping and it’s filled with tourists who don’t fucking move. Like, Nolita brunch area is super cute and we’ll be hitting up Butcher’s Daughter regularly, but the Broadway shopping situation sucks. Here’s a better plan: order your clothes online, skip the Topshop dressing room line, and spend your summer elsewhere. Solved!

8. Times Square

Just avoid. At all costs. There are literally grown men in Elmo suits and annoying tourists posing with Minions on the red steps—need I say more? Plus, you actually can’t even walk around because everyone is so damn slow. Have we said enough?