New Year’s Resolutions Ranked By Superiority Complex

Let’s face it. You don’t make New Year’s Resolutions for yourself. I mean, sure, on paper you do, but you really make them so you can tell other people about it. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be “New Year’s Resolutions”—they’d just be quiet lifestyle changes.

It always starts out the same way: in the days or weeks leading up to December 31, you’re out at happy hour, or sitting at dinner with your family, or in a meeting when you should be brainstorming but got sidetracked. There you are, minding your own business, thinking about anything other than your own inadequacies, and then someone drops it like an unwanted bomb: “What are your guys’ New Year’s Resolutions?” Then you’re forced to improvise some B.S. about wanting to be more proactive, or meal prep more—something easy enough that it doesn’t really hit at your insecurities, and that’s vague enough so nobody can fact-check you on it when you inevitably fail to make any sort of effort to accomplish it come January 1. 

And here’s the worst part about it all: the person who brought up the New Year’s Resolutions conversation doesn’t actually give a sh*t about any changes their friends are planning to make in the New Year. They just want to bask in the moment where they share the most dramatic, most thoughtful, most inventive resolution. The one that nobody has considered, because nobody was thinking of this convention before this person decided to spring it on everyone. They want to crush up all the “wow, that’s a good one!”s and “I’m stealing that!”s, lay them out on the table, and inhale them deeply into their nasal cavities and get high off the feeling of superiority once the praise hits their synapses. 

So in case you’ve previously pledged to lose three pounds, or learning a new language on Duolingo is already taken by your under-achieving cousin, here are some New Year’s Resolutions ranked by superiority complex.

6. Going To The Gym

Promises to “go to the gym” more in the new year are the perfect con, which make them the ideal fake New Year’s Resolution. The key is vagueness. So long as you don’t specify how often you intend to go to the gym, you can sit there smugly as a self-proclaimed fitness guru, even if the only exertion you’re doing is of the mental variety, and all you’re stretching is the definition of the word “more”. You watched IG stories while lying on a mat one time? You “did yoga”. You walked on the treadmill? Start your fitness blog. There’s a reason everyone pledges to finally crack open their gym membership in the new year, and it’s because we are all lying to ourselves and to each other.

5. Practice Self-Care

This is hardly a resolution to better oneself, and more of a pledge to be more selfish. (The honesty is at least refreshing.) Once upon a time, self-care meant enforcing boundaries and taking time out from over-exerting yourself. Nowadays, it’s a thinly-veiled term for canceling your plans at the last second to apply a sheet mask and masturbate furiously. This is an admirable goal, to be clear—just accept the fact that you may be invited to less plans in 2020 since we all know what you’re really getting at.

4. Travel More

The thing is, we would all like to travel more. However, my budget for traveling would allow me to venture to the faraway land of Brooklyn, and I don’t think I’m alone in this. And by “this” I mean “my bank account balance barely supporting an unplanned cup of coffee.” I can’t wait to hear about how you’re planning a trip to Thailand, and I would also love to go somewhere further than a subway ride away, except I could only get to Thailand in a fever dream or if I were somehow able to procure a sugar daddy. Alas, I am not hot enough for the latter, so fever dream it is. Saying you intend to travel more is inherently a little douchey, if only for the implication that you are rich enough to travel more. Unless you’re taking me with you, in which case, let’s f*cking go.

3. Doing Any Sort Of Fad Diet

There’s probably a reason so many people’s New Year’s Resolutions have to do with losing weight, and that reason likely has something to do with the fact that we live in a fatphobic society that equates thinness with beauty, working hard, and general worth. In any case, doing keto, or going vegan, or trying intermittent fasting ranks higher on the list of insufferable New Year’s Resolutions because of its longevity factor. Much like CrossFit, voting, and having studied abroad in Barthelona for one semester in 2012, someone who does a fad diet doesn’t just mention it once and nonchalantly move on with their life. They are compelled to bring it up in every subsequent relevant conversation, and many irrelevant conversations, long past the point of anyone remembering they decided to go on the fad diet in question, and far longer past anyone’s point of caring.

2. Go On A Social Media Hiatus

Yes, Facebook is a fear-mongering cesspool. Instagram is bad for your mental health. Twitter is full of Nazis. And still, most of us incessantly refresh these platforms anyway, closing one webpage on our computer and instinctively opening up the same platform in the app version on our phones to drown out the sound of our own thoughts. Pretending like you’re too good for social media is the 2019 version of saying you don’t watch TV, but it’s even more condescending because most of us aren’t checking what’s new on TV every 5 minutes. Not only are you going to have to hear about how this person is too good for Instagram before they take a break, you’re going to have to view their inevitable “going off Instagram!” stories for a week leading up to the sign-off. Then they’re going to slip into every conversation how they “aren’t on social media anymore so they must have missed ”. Then will come the self-congratulation of how much better their life is after they took a week off. And, worst of all, they’ll demand you catch them up on everything they missed while they took their self-imposed break.

1. Doing A Sober Month

We get it. You don’t need alcohol to have fun. You can just “feed off the energy of everyone else.” You miraculously don’t immediately get the urge to take five consecutive tequila shots when you are in the presence of drunk people, and don’t find them annoying as f*ck. In fact, you find them amusing, like a social experiment. Not sure what you’re trying to say about me that I cannot do any of those things, but I did not consent to be confronted with any deep-seated personality issues just because you’re swearing off tequila. Enjoy your padded wallet, increased energy, and improved skin and physique — just don’t say sh*t to me while I lay there dying and hungover on my couch.

I’m hoping that maybe come 2021, we will all accept that the arbitrary date on a calendar does not have some magical power to change our lives, and stop it with this “new year, new me” bullsh*t. But, if we can’t do that (and given that Instagram influencers build their careers off sentiments like this one), maybe we can just recognize New Year’s Resolutions for what they are: a temporary fix, the instant gratification of self-improvement without having to actually do any of the work.

Images: Fachy Marín / Unsplash; betchesluvthis, minkpinkustink, jazz_inmypants / Twitter

3 Steps To Make Your New Year’s Resolution Successful

2019 is finally here, so we can all pretend to put our 2018 bullsh*t behind us. Personally, I don’t think I’ve ever stuck to a Yew Year’s resolution, but maybe someday I will. People always start the new year with the motto “new year, new me” but with v unrealistic expectations. You may want to lose weight, reduce stress, or save money, but without any real plans set in place to achieve those goals, it ain’t gonna happen sweetie. It’s more likely for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to get back together and then adopt you into their family before you achieve your new year’s resolution. Sorry. Researchers say that 60% of people make new year’s resolutions, but only 8% actually achieve them. So here are the best ways to make your new year’s resolutions the most attainable, according to #science.

1. Make it Known

Share your goal with family and friends, post to Facebook, put a paper on your fridge. Whatever you got to do. Okay, maybe not Facebook, things aren’t that bad. By sharing your goal with others, you are held accountable, which motivates you to work towards it. Better yet? Make a joint resolution with your friend or partner to hold each other accountable and motivate one another. You still have to put in the work, but at least you’re not doing it completely alone.

2. Make it Specific

Saying you want to lose weight is great and all, but that doesn’t provide any definitive plan to achieve it. Instead of saying “I want to lose three pounds,” make your resolution to cut out sugar for 6 weeks and reevaluate after that. Small, specific steps are better than broad ideas. Having a vague new year’s resolution is v overwhelming and will make you feel lost. Without a specific place to start (like throwing out all your sugary food), you’ll push off starting and then it’ll never happen.

3. Make a Plan

It’s much easier to stick to your goal if you have a plan to achieve it. If you want to work out more and have bought a gym membership, that’s only half the plan. Although tons of people buy gym memberships at the beginning of the year, more often than not, people barely go after the first few weeks. This year, make a realistic plan for yourself to go to the gym every Monday and Thursday (or whatever days go with your schedule). Put it in your calendar and don’t miss it. If you have the specific time scheduled, you’re more likely to go. Maybe soon, you’ll get inspired and want to go even more!

So this year, be realistic about your resolutions, and you might actually see some progress in a few months. Don’t beat yourself up if you make some mistakes, because you still have time to make up for them. Best of luck in 2019!

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (3)

5 Fitness Apps That Are Actually Worth Downloading

Every year, on December 31, just before the clock strikes midnight and you’re preparing to chug a bottle of champagne, you vow that this is the year you finally get in shape. Never mind that you’ll probably wake up tomorrow and completely forget WTF happened on NYE, let alone say “no” to that leftover Chinese take-out in your fridge. I know, because like, me too. Diet starts in 2019, amiright? But for those of you who believe that eighth time’s a charm, here are some fitness apps to help you get that New Year’s body. It’s time to use your phone for something other than cyber-stalking your ex and his new girlfriend.

1. Sworkit

Sworkit hit it big on Shark Tank when Mark Cuban invested $1.5 million in the company. At one point the app was free, but now they’re charging $29.99 a quarter or $79.99 a year. They may sound like greedy f*cks, but they’re actually the cheapest option of the paid apps on this list. Sworkit has a bunch of fans, averaging an impressive five stars on the App Store. With the price you pay, you get access to a trainer who can answer all your burning fitness questions. That’s kinda cool if you’re lonely and bored of bugging Siri or the personal trainer you’re hooking up with. Also, Sworkit utilizes only bodyweight moves (no equipment) so you can literally do their workouts anywhere. That means if you’re looking for an app to use in the gym, you have better options. In order to utilize all the equipment, keep reading.

2. MoveWith

MoveWith is like having a personal fitness class right on your phone. A lot of the most popular trainers from boutique studios around the country are coaches on this app. Basically, you get a similar workout for a fraction of the price and in the comfort of your own home or gym. The workouts range from yoga to HIIT to weightlifting to guided meditation. They even have life talks, so clearly the variety is insane. You can choose which body parts you feel like working on, and the amount of time you have to work out. The trainers’ voiceovers also make it sound like they’re right there with you, yelling in your ear. Very realistic and motivating for those of us who need to feel a little fear to get moving. Depending on the class you choose, you might need some gym equipment. This app isn’t free, though, and will cost you $12.99/month or $95.99/year.

3. DailyBurn

DailyBurn is not good for commitment-phobes. Instead of starting a workout, the app makes you start programs that last 8 weeks *nervous laughter*. I’m here for a good time, not a long time. But for those of you who need that kind of structure, this app is for you. Each program also comes with its own nutrition guidelines and meal plan to make sure you really see the results. The thought of all this commitment and cooking is giving me hives, low-key, so let’s wrap this up. Once again, this app is not free and will cost you $19.95/month.

4. Nike Training Club

Finally, a free app. Thanks, Nike! Although, I really do spend way too much money on your shoes anyway. I’ll consider this just a mild favor from you to me. This app allows you to pick individual workouts or set a plan that is tailored to your goals. You can choose if you want to do no equipment or full equipment workouts. All that is cool and whatever, but the main reason I am downloading this app is because it lets you workout alongside side Nike sponsored athletes. That means celebrities like Serena Williams, Kevin Hart, Michael B. Jordan, and Cristiano Ronaldo will be sweating it out with you. This is like the ultimate workout porn. If self-love can’t get me to exercise, then the thought of Michael B. Jordan’s abs f*cking can.

5. Jefit

Do I know how to pronounce the name of this app? No. Do I use it? Semi-regularly. My ex-boyfriend introduced me to Jefit, and to this day I maintain that it is the only positive thing to come out of that year-long nightmare. But I’ll save the details for my therapist. If you want to tone up but are too afraid to venture into the weight machines section of the gym, Jefit is the app for you. You can search basically any machine in existence and it will explain how to use it with written instructions and an accompanying gif. It also does the same for many free weight exercises, if you’ve ever wanted, for instance, to learn how to do a barbell deadlift without breaking your lower back. It also has preset workouts for each muscle group (think abs day, chest and triceps day, etc.). And the best part: it’s free. Download Jefit and you just might be posting memes about “when you skip leg day” in no time. Change your name to Tyler, effective immediately.

Bonus: MyFitnessPal

Okay, MyFitnessPal is so popular that I had to include it on the list, but this app’s main function isn’t even really about exercise. It is a virtual food diary so you can stay on top of your intake. If you purchase the premium version, you can also add in your exercise so that it can calculate your expenditure. The forums and message boards give you that community feel if you’re into chatting with random strangers on the internet (and honestly… strangers on the forum board are way quicker to congratulate you on losing two pounds than your bestie over there putting out wine and a cheese plates). There are no exercises or workout plans for you here, though, so maybe use this with another one of the apps above to really stay on top of things.

Images: Nathan Cowley/Pexels; Giphy (2)

I Tried Intermittent Fasting, And Here’s What I Learned

Sometimes I scroll through Instagram and wonder if someone switched my settings to only show posts about people’s diets. Like, I don’t care about your Sunday meal prep, your gluten-free Paleo bread, or your #Whole30 results. I feel personally victimized by diets. I eat pretty healthy on my own and I don’t like being told what to eat. But recently, a couple of my friends started raving about a diet that caught my attention: Intermittent Fasting. In case you’ve never heard of it, you essentially eat whatever you want in a specific window of time, and then you fast for the rest of the day. The alleged results? Increased energy, better long-term health, mental clarity, and weight loss. I did some research and decided to try it out for myself. Here’s what I learned.

The Logistics

Before trying the diet, I did a ton of research on IF (lesson one: that’s what the cool kids call it) and it turns out people structure their fasts differently. Most people fast for about 16 hours and eat for eight, but some people take their fasts for even longer than that. Unlike many modern diets that advise you to eat small meals every few hours to keep your metabolism on its toes, IF preaches the opposite.

The idea is to fast for most of the day, and then eat 2-3 big meals within your eating window. So, instead of ordering a Skinny Latte and a scooped out bagel within minutes of waking up, I would have to wait it out and break my fast around 1 pm like the rest of the IF elitists. And yes, that dieting superiority complex totally comes with it. Like, are you seriously eating breakfast right now? Have some self-control.

You can drink zero calorie beverages and sugar-free gum during the fasting phase, and some people say you can even have a few nuts or berries if you need to, but for the most part, you’re consuming nothing. Let’s just say that by the time the eating window comes and you’re allowed to break the fast, you literally cherish those eight hours like they’re your last eight hours on this planet. I mean, unless you’re willing to split a deluxe sushi boat with four appetizers and no talking whatsoever, we’re not making lunch plans.

 

The Benefits

When I first heard about IF, I immediately called bullshit. I mean, there’s no way that consuming all your calories in an eight-hour window is good for you. It went against everything I knew about eating every few hours and listening to your body. Then I did some research and spoke to a few people who swear by it, and it turns out there might be some magic to this shit. I decided to be a responsible adult and look into the science behind the diet and its claims before starting. You should also know that I needed my sources to dramatically dumb this down for me, because well, I took science pass/fail freshman year and barely passed.

So let’s talk about what happens to your body during intermittent fasting. When you fast, your insulin levels drop and your growth hormone increases. That means your body is more likely to burn fat, reduce oxidative stress, and reduce inflammation. Oxidative stress is what ages your body and could cause chronic diseases, so people say fasting has long-term benefits for your heart health and bodily functions.

Aside from preventing chronic illness and increasing your energy levels, there’s also the weight loss promise. People on social media swear that they’ve lost half their body fat by fasting, and I honestly wasn’t sure if this diet was some code we were using for Lipo. I mean, those before and after pics are so annoying but I can’t seem to look away. 

Anyway, losing weight on this diet is two-fold. Firstly, your actual caloric intake for the day will probably go down if you’re not eating for most of the day. It’s that simple. If you’re eating fewer calories, you’ll probably lose weight. Secondly, when your insulin levels lower and your growth hormone levels increase, the noradrenaline in your body increases the breakdown of body fat and uses the fat for energy. So, you’re actually boosting your metabolism in the process and allowing your body to burn more fat while at rest. Take that, apple cider vinegar shot.

 

My Experience

To be clear, I did intermittent fasting for no more than four days and basically gave up before the whole “it takes a few days to get used to it but then it gets sooo much easier” stage. To really get the most out of IF, you need to do it for at least a week or two to train your body. It takes a while to get the hang of it, and I was impatient and frankly just over the whole thing.

I fully acknowledge that I did it wrong, but I thought I’d share my experience anyway.

The first day was the hardest. I was told that at first I’d obviously be starving, and for me, this was especially prevalent. I’m a huge breakfast eater, and I’m also a regular snacker. If I don’t have packets of raw cashews and mini M&M’s in my handbag at all times, I’m not well. I could go through each day individually, but all four days were equally as difficult. Like, really difficult. First of all, I tend to work out in the morning and I need food directly afterwards. It’s kind of a non-negotiable for me, and frankly I don’t even understand people who aren’t starving after the gym. One 45-minute workout and I literally feel like Jennifer Lawrence after dieting a month before the Oscars. 

I realized on the second day that once it was time to sit down and do work with nothing in my system but a black iced coffee, I had already gone somewhat crazy. People told me they felt increased mental clarity and an overall energy boost during their fasting periods, but I was too busy Googling pictures of grilled cheese to even think about that.

 

The Takeaway

You probably think after reading my experience that I wouldn’t recommend IF to anyone, but here’s the thing I realized: Even though I almost died of starvation and had to quit a few days in, I think a lot of people I know would actually kill it on this diet. If you’re not a breakfast person and you’re not much of a snacker, you’ll have no problem waiting until your eating window. And if you’re unemployed and you can sleep until noon on a weekday, you’re golden.

I’m not saying this diet is for everyone, but if it has this many proven health benefits and cult followers, it’s worth a shot. Plus, people who stick with it for a long time end up looking and feeling amazing. You can even try it for yourself and let me know how it goes. Just please don’t Instagram a before and after pic. For everyone’s sake.

Images: Brooke Lark / Unsplash. Giphy (7). 

Realistic Alternatives For Your Overly Ambitious New Year’s Resolutions

It’s a new year, which means I am going to be writing dates wrong on emails for at least a month, and everyone is setting lofty and entirely unattainable goals for themselves. Oh, and the gym is crowded (go home, resolutioners—that is my elliptical). I honestly don’t really get the whole “New Year’s resolution” thing, and I have never, NEVER said the words “new year, new me,” but I do loudly and drunkenly shout “this will be the best year ever!” every December 31st. So I suppose that’s almost the same thing. But just like it never really is the best year ever, no one ever really keeps their New Year’s resolutions.

So maybe we should give something else a try this year. When setting resolutions this year, let’s just stop being so ambitious and instead remember that we are lazy-ass bitches. Because imho, it’s better to shoot low and win then to shoot high and fail miserably.

Low Expectations

Need concrete examples? Then you should really aim low read our list of unrealistic resolutions and their practical alternatives below. Because maybe this is the year we will actually do shit. Probably not, but maybe.

1. Lose Weight

First of all—love yourself. Second of all, this is almost everyone’s life goal always, so it seems arbitrary to focus on it only on the first of the year. Instead of a broad statement that requires you to get on a scale (who in their right mind wants to do that), try committing to one extra day at the gym each week. Or even better, buy yourself a hot-ass dress in your goal size and work towards fitting into it by your company holiday party next year.

Devil Wears Prada

2. Eat Healthier

If you are thinking of trying a cleanse diet, don’t. And making sweeping declarations like “no carbs in 2018” is the same thing as lying. A more realistic challenge would be to delete your fave delivery app from your phone, making it increasingly more difficult for you to place a late night pizza order while wasted.

3. Save Money

I’m pretty sure this is verifiably impossible if you also want to have any fun. But if you are going to try anyway, tell me your secrets you could sign up for one of those services that tracks your finances (YNAB, mint.com), or join Ebates where you can get fucking paid for shopping. Or just say fuck it and buy some cryptocurrency.

Shopping

4. Read More

Like, actual books? Interesting. Have you heard of Podcasts or Audible? Those seem like better options. Unless you’re really determined, in which case you could try Sears our holiday reading list.

5. Cut Out Toxic People

But then who would you talk shit about with the friends you actually like? JK that’s fucked up, you should definitely do that not do that. I legit get inspired to friend purge after every SoulCycle class, and I have only followed through once. Friend breakups are fucking awkward, and the slow fade doesn’t always work. However, conquering FOMO and saying no to things you don’t actually want to do is truly liberating, and a great way to spend less time with people you DGAF about.

Fuck Yourself

6. Spend Less Time On Social Media

That’s just silly, what would you do with all that time?

7. Find A Boyfriend/Girlfriend

I’m gonna bring this down about five notches rn—how about you just shoot for a few good dates? Or like, initiating more conversations on Hinge. Because damn girl, imagine how fucking depressing your next NYE will be if you set this goal and end up with no one to kiss at midnight.

Girls

8. Drink Less

Just be more specific, like: drink less than an alcoholic would, or drink less on Sundays. 

6 Healthy Resolutions For 2018 That Don’t Require A Lot Of Work

Another NYE has come and gone, and luckily we drank just enough vodka to ignore the fact that we haven’t thought about our 2017 resolutions since last January. Every year we tell ourselves we’re gonna lose five pounds or stop eating past 10pm, but we never follow through and it’s getting awkward. We could stop making resolutions altogether, but then what would we talk to our co-workers about aside from the god-awful weather and how tired we are? This year, we’ve decided to focus on smaller resolutions that will make you healthier without making you give up carbs or alcohol. Here are some maintainable healthy resolutions that will guarantee you a new year that’s slightly healthier but also still pretty average.

1. Stop Being So Sleep Deprived

I’d say 99% of the world is going into 2018 completely sleep deprived, and even though I made up that statistic it’s still really bad. Like, with Netflix playing the next episode for you and every video on the Internet calling your name at 2am, it’s SO tempting to just stay awake, but like, don’t. Not getting enough sleep leads to extra hunger, bad moods, cravings, bags under your eyes, and overall brain fog. You’re just a better person when you get a good night of sleep, and it’s not impossible to make this your resolution. Force yourself to get into bed an hour earlier than you usually do, and put away your phone once you’re in bed. If you’re falling asleep watching the Kardashian babies on Instagram every night, you’re doing something wrong.

2. Take A Probiotic

Ever since probiotics became the new gummy bear vitamins, people are taking these by the handful and getting rid of their digestion problems and bloating once and for all. If you want an easy resolution that will literally make you feel and look better without doing anything except taking a capsule every morning, go for the probiotic. They put good bacteria in your gut to keep your body healthy and help you digest food more easily throughout the day. People also say they can help clear your skin and prevent sickness, so you literally can’t lose. Getting healthy has never been so easy. This isn’t even an ad.

3. Swap Your Splenda For Stevia

We’re not being endorsed by a Stevia company to say this, but it’s time to lose the Splenda and make the swap for Truvia or Stevia or whatever the hell is more natural. Splenda is made of an ingredient called sucralose, and even though it’s zero calories, it’s pretty terrible for you. Even if sucralose doesn’t actually cause cancer, it definitely tricks your brain into thinking you’re eating something sweet, which triggers worse sugar cravings later on. Plus, it makes you super bloated and gassy, and like, who wants that? Plant-based alternatives like Truvia are so much better for you and taste the same, so why wouldn’t you make the switch? It’s an easy swap and it’s a solid resolution that you can’t really screw up.

4. Drink Water In The AM

We’re not making you vow to start drinking two liters a day in the new year, but if you want to start getting into the hydration habit, start by drinking a glass of water every morning right when you wake up. First of all, making yourself chug 16 ounces before your coffee will give you an incentive to get it over with. Like, if we saved it for later we’d probably get to 5pm without taking a sip. But more importantly, drinking water in the morning kick-starts your digestion and gets your system moving as fast as possible. Staying hydrated is so much easier than you think, and it’ll pay off when you realize your intense 3pm chocolate urge is really just you not drinking enough water. Buy yourself a case of Poland Spring and start the year off right. Again, not even an ad.

5. Sign Up For Workout Classes

Classes like Soulcycle and Barry’s Bootcamp used to be for Scarsdale moms who needed something to do before the department stores opened at 11am, but with the terrifying rise of ClassPass and a new fitness studio popping up every two blocks, you don’t really have an excuse not to work out anymore. Like, people are actually suggesting hot yoga instead of Sunday brunch, so at this point you’re kinda going out of your way when you don’t give in. Make a commitment to go to a class at least once a week. By booking a spot you’re forcing yourself to go, and you can drag friends with you to suffer together (and get a referral credit). Everyone wins and you didn’t even have to join a real gym.

6. Go Grocery Shopping

We’d never actually suggest anyone start cooking all their meals or like, spend their Sundays meal-prepping for a nutritious week ahead, but going grocery shopping more often is an easy resolution that will do wonders for your body this year. Aside from the fact that you’ll prob save a ton of money by not eating out every meal, you’ll save a ton of calories by avoiding the oil, butter, and sauces that restaurants put in your food without you realizing it. By going grocery shopping once a week and stocking up on healthy ingredients, you’ll be less likely to binge on random snacks you have laying around and more likely to *somewhat* get your shit together in 2018. You may need an extra Xanax before the checkout line at Trader Joe’s, but it’ll be worth it when you start losing weight without even starving yourself. I mean, it’s like we have ESPN or something.

Read: I Tried A Juice Cleanse To Lose Weight & Here’s What You Need To Know
 
17 Things That Are Already Not Going Your Way In 2017

Even though pretty much everyone dubbed 2016 as “The Worst Year Ever”, we need to be real with ourselves for a second and admit 2017 hasn’t exactly gone as planned either. I mean, we’re barely two months in and we’re already tired as shit. In case you were wondering what has been going wrong, as if you needed a reminder, here are 17 things probably not going your way already in 2017.

1. The Weather

The South had weirdly hot weather and tornadoes. The West had excessive amounts of snow and rain, and now it’s fucking flooding. The East was doing pretty well until it decided to get up to 70 degrees one day, then blizzard the next. Winter sucks anyway, but let’s just all agree that this one has been a real stinker. Thanks a lot, La Niña.

2. Your Love Life

Liar

Apparently, the beginning of the year is generally the best time to fire up Tinder and Bumble and all the dating apps because everyone makes resolutions or some shit to find love. You probably were pretty optimistic at the beginning of the year that this was going to be “your year” when it comes to not being single AF. But here we are on Valentine’s Day, and the only male attention you’ve gotten was that dude who cat-called you on the street.

3. Your Hair

Hair

You can watch celebrity hair tutorials until your eyes bleed, but thanks to a combination of shitty weather (the need to wear a hat) and lack of motivation, your hair has probably seen better days. Maybe wait until you’re in a better mood/it’s sunny again to do anything drastic to your locks or you’ll be in a really bad place by the first day of spring.

4. The Inauguration

Inauguration

Yeah, basically the whole country thought we were getting punk’d when Trump won the election. I bet a lot of people were like, there’s no way they’ll let this guy be president. Then the inauguration happened and all of our worst fears were realized. What a weird day that was.

5. Politics In General

I Just Believe In Parties

Basically everything that’s happened in Washington D.C. over the last month has been a major WTF moment. The Muslim Ban they aren’t calling a ban, repealing the Mexico City Policy, fucking up health care for people, you name it. Please, politicians, stop. Just stop. 

6. The Bachelor

The Bachelor

First of all, no one was very excited about Nick Vile—I mean, Viall—becoming the Bachelor. If you were excited, you can eat your words because this season has been pretty boring compared to past seasons. You can pretend like it’s just as good but you’re lying to yourself. Sure, some moments are entertaining, but do you really think any of those girls see Nick as the prize? No. The real prize is getting picked to be the Bachelorette.

Related: ABC Casts First Black Bachelorette After Only 12 Seasons Of Dodging Diversity Criticisms

7. The Super Bowl

Super Bowl

Tom Brady and The Patriots are like Corinne, and The Falcons are like every other girl on The Bachelor. Sure, one is pretty hot and usually makes the headlines, but the other was so lovable and we wanted them to win. It all came crashing down during the final minutes. Corinne is going to fucking win, isn’t she? Shit.

8. Dieting

Jogging

Yeah, I’m sure you were really planning on hitting the gym and cutting some cals to drop those extra holiday pounds. Actually, though, the only thing you’ve been cutting is cake. You know spring is just around the corner, right? If you ever want to wear a swimsuit again you better reevaluate your priorities—priorities that don’t include midnight runs to Taco Bell.

9. Awards Ceremonies

Rihanna Grammys

Am I the only one who has been woefully unimpressed by this year’s award shows? Apart from Meryl Streep dropping some truth bombs at The Golden Globes and a naked and preggo Beyoncé getting robbed, everything else has been kind of meh. Kanye didn’t even show up to the Grammys, so what are we even supposed to talk about? C’mon Oscars, be interesting. We’re begging you.

Related: We Just Have A Lot Of Feelings About Beyoncé Losing To Adele

10. Trying Not To Drink

I Need A Cocktail

A bunch of betches tried to do a dry month during January or February (because it’s the shortest month, obvi). Like, I get thinking that you need a cleanse after everything that happened in 2016, but avoiding vodka sodas probably won’t improve your life that much. Let’s be honest, if you made one of these goals and have been sticking to it, I don’t believe you anyway. There’s no way you can see what’s going on in the world right now and not need a drink. You’re just as much of a lush as you were last year. You know it. I know it. We all know it.

11. Sex

Confused

Even if your romantic life isn’t totally shitty, sex is not going to be as great in 2017. Why? Because women are stressed AF that birth control won’t be covered by their insurance anymore or Planned Parenthood will get defunded. It’s kind of like a dark cloud looming over your bedroom. Also, don’t try to argue that a new 50 Shades movie is going to motivate your boyfriend to get more adventurous. You know you’re going to have to take charge on that and that’s just more work for you. Eye roll.

12. Wedding Season

Crying

You’re probably like, wait, WTF?, we’re months away from wedding season. That is true, but you bet your ass the save-the-dates are piling up on your fridge. Going to the kitchen now is like a constant reminder that you’re going to have to spend so much fucking money to support your friends and their happiness. Just UGH.

13. Planning for Spring Break

Spring Break

Did you forget spring break was even on its way because the weather sucks so much? Yeah, I think everyone is kind of caught up in other things right now. Maybe we can all take a minute from protesting an evil dictatorship and plan some much needed R&R. Maybe just don’t plan a trip to Mexico though, because the wall might get put up and you’ll be stuck in Cabo for the rest of forever. Actually, that might not be such a bad thing….

14. Your Horoscope

I Defy You Stars

We couldn’t really expect this year to be stellar because our horoscopes have been so crappy lately. We started the year with Mercury in Retrograde. You know that fucks shit up. And last Friday was a Full Moon, so everything was just a little bit off. Here’s to hoping the stars don’t continue to screw us over all year long.

15. The Internet

Social Media

OK, so 2017 is trying really hard to produce internet gold. The Cash Me Ousside girl is kind of funny. The Salt Bae chef guy is just average. But can you really expect viral hits to be produced in an era when Joe Biden isn’t in the White House? And the evil Kermit thing will always be fire. I’m sorry but 2016 had some of the best memes of all time, of all time! Plus, all your socials are full of political nonsense and #FakeNews. Can we just get back to posting selfies and belfies and thigh gaps and all that ridiculous shit?

16. Work

I Live For A Check Honey

Real talk. So far this year you have not found a rich sugar daddy to pay your bills and buy you a yacht. That being said, you probably still have to get up everyday and put some effort into pretending to work. It kind of makes you miss interning days when not fucking up a coffee order was your biggest responsibility.

17. Your New Year’s Resolution

New Year's Resolution

It’s the middle of February and I’ll put money on the fact that your New Year’s resolution was garbage a week into 2017. It’s fine. No one is judging you for not sticking to it (we knew that would happen), we’re mostly just judging you for making one in the first place. You should know better. Resolutions are bullshit. 

The Betches’ Guide To Keeping A New Year’s Resolution

The new year is well under way and I bet—like, I’d literally bet $1 million on it—that you’ve already broken at least one of your New Year’s resolutions. You’ve probably been grumpy and had a bun in your hair on your way to work since you got back, and I highly doubt you’ve seen the inside of the gym more than once in the past 11 days. Plus, like, we all know you haven’t cooked a meal since before December started. But no worries betch, I feel you. I’m here to make you feel a tiny bit better about what a failure you are. Here’s how to keep a new year’s resolution like a betch.

Instead of resolving to go to the gym every day…Resolve to walk home from work three times a week (weather permitting). This way you get some exercise and it’s fucking cheaper than the $100 a month Equinox charges you. Going to the gym is great, but when you set a goal and are too lazy to actually go do it, you feel shitty about yourself and end up binge drinking wine/eating everything in sight, claiming that you’ll be better tomorrow. You won’t. Just accept that this is who you are.

Instead of resolving to stop drinking…Resolve to only drink on the weekends. You have a full-time job/are a full-time student and as stressful as doing work is, alcohol has a shit ton of calories that you literally just don’t need. However, it’s unreasonable to think that at this young age you’re going to stop drinking altogether. Unwind on the weekends like you’re supposed to and your tolerance will go down, you’ll need less to feel drunk, and the amount of calories you’re consuming won’t be as steep. You can stop drinking when you’re dead.

Instead of resolving to eat clean…Resolve to stop eating pasta more than once a week. Carbs, as amazing as they are, are fucking terrible for you. But, again, you’re young; just stop boiling pasta every night for dinner because it’s easy and buy a fucking bag of lettuce every once in awhile. You can cave when you’re PMSing but only then because honestly, there are other things to eat in your cabinet whether you’d like to admit that or not. Just like, watch out for expiration dates because we know you haven’t looked in your pantry since you moved in and your mom took you to Trader Joe’s to stock up on healthy options.

In conclusion, stop resolving to change every single thing about yourself and just accept that you hate the elliptical and you love vodka sodas and carbs. Just like, stop loving these things every single day and you’ll automatically be better than you are. May the rest of 2017 be in your favor.