The new year is well under way and I bet—like, I’d literally bet $1 million on it—that you’ve already broken at least one of your New Year’s resolutions. You’ve probably been grumpy and had a bun in your hair on your way to work since you got back, and I highly doubt you’ve seen the inside of the gym more than once in the past 11 days. Plus, like, we all know you haven’t cooked a meal since before December started. But no worries betch, I feel you. I’m here to make you feel a tiny bit better about what a failure you are. Here’s how to keep a new year’s resolution like a betch.
Instead of resolving to go to the gym every day…Resolve to walk home from work three times a week (weather permitting). This way you get some exercise and it’s fucking cheaper than the $100 a month Equinox charges you. Going to the gym is great, but when you set a goal and are too lazy to actually go do it, you feel shitty about yourself and end up binge drinking wine/eating everything in sight, claiming that you’ll be better tomorrow. You won’t. Just accept that this is who you are.
Instead of resolving to stop drinking…Resolve to only drink on the weekends. You have a full-time job/are a full-time student and as stressful as doing work is, alcohol has a shit ton of calories that you literally just don’t need. However, it’s unreasonable to think that at this young age you’re going to stop drinking altogether. Unwind on the weekends like you’re supposed to and your tolerance will go down, you’ll need less to feel drunk, and the amount of calories you’re consuming won’t be as steep. You can stop drinking when you’re dead.
Instead of resolving to eat clean…Resolve to stop eating pasta more than once a week. Carbs, as amazing as they are, are fucking terrible for you. But, again, you’re young; just stop boiling pasta every night for dinner because it’s easy and buy a fucking bag of lettuce every once in awhile. You can cave when you’re PMSing but only then because honestly, there are other things to eat in your cabinet whether you’d like to admit that or not. Just like, watch out for expiration dates because we know you haven’t looked in your pantry since you moved in and your mom took you to Trader Joe’s to stock up on healthy options.
In conclusion, stop resolving to change every single thing about yourself and just accept that you hate the elliptical and you love vodka sodas and carbs. Just like, stop loving these things every single day and you’ll automatically be better than you are. May the rest of 2017 be in your favor.
There’s nothing wrong with New Year’s resolutions. We’re all about being motivated, and if you need to set goals like that, go right ahead. But for the love of god, get that shit off our newsfeed. We’re only a few days into 2017, and already our Facebook and Instagram feeds are flooded with posts about new diets, new workout plans, and a bunch of other random shit that we don’t need to know about.
We just love hearing about all the fun dietary restrictions people give themselves. Like, okay Gillian, that’s great that you’ve decided to “leave meat in 2016,” but come President’s Day your drunk ass is going to be craving a burger and you’re going to be sorry that you told everyone you know that “meat just doesn’t make sense.” Same goes for gluten, because Jesus fucking Christ. If you want to eat less carbs, we applaud you. We all want a spring break body, no shame. But when did someone decide that the best way to look good is by just giving things up altogether? Eat gluten, you’re supposed to eat gluten!!
New workout plans are the worst. People get so fucking excited about going to the gym for like, a week, then they have to go back to school or work or whatever and literally forget what an elliptical even is. If you want to go to the gym more, just go to the gym. We don’t need to see a status and an Instagram and a Snapchat when you haven’t even done anything yet.
How about we make a new rule: You’re only allowed to post about your resolution for 2017 in the last two weeks of December, and only if you’ve made it the entire year. Guess what? Literally no one would be able to post, because who the hell keeps a New Year’s resolution past February?
That rule goes for Facebook. In terms of Instagram, let’s make the new rule that you’re just never allowed to post about it. At this point, Instagram should be for beautifully edited photos of food and landscapes and less beautiful photos of fun nights out. There is no place for mirror selfies in which we’re supposed to be able to see your “gains.” Chill the fuck out, Ronda Rousey, nobody’s forcing you into a UFC ring so just walk on the treadmill like the rest of us.
So basically, good luck with your resolutions this year, but we better not hear about them until December 15. Until then, we’ve got bigger shit to deal with, like our nightmare of a new President and why Kim Kardashian only just returned to social media. Have fun not eating meat, we’ll miss you!
New Year, New Nothing