Riverdale is finally back from its winter hiatus, and so too is my will to live. Bless. Last we left off, Archie almost got buried alive by the Black Hood, and Veronica decided that murder gets her wet she actually loves Archie. Idiot. The Black Hood was captured…maybe. Tbh I have my doubts because all the police work leading up to this arrest was done by a bunch of high school sophomores with access to their school’s newspaper lab. So yeah, color me skeptical. Cheryl is now poor but like, in a way that still allows her to buy elaborate insect brooches that probably cost more than my goddamn rent. K. She’s also stalking Josie harder than I stalk my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend on social media. And, finally, Jughead and Betty are still broken up, because apparently The CW doesn’t want us to have nice things. Whatever. I guess I’ll just have to settle for deep stalking the actors on Instagram IRL and living vicariously through them and their adorbs vacation in Hawaii. Anyway, shall we get to the shit talking deep analysis of a TV drama whose age demographic skews more towards middle schoolers than my twentysomething ass?
The episode opens with Cheryl reminding me why I watch this whole damn show by slut shaming her mother for PROSTITUTING HERSELF OUT to pay for Cheryl’s Christmas gifts. Ah Riverdale, it’s good to be home.
MRS. BLOSSOM: Well I finally made enough money to pay for your Christmas tree and all the fucking gifts you bought yourself.
CHERYL: Yeah… but you had to prostitute yourself out to do it. You’re so gross, mother!
MRS. BLOSSOM:
Archie finally finds out that Veronica paid off his dad’s medical bills. She’s like, “Are you mad that I stole my daddy’s black card and paid off $80k of your dad’s medical bills with my dad’s blood money?” So casual, V.
Also, I love watching Archie mentally calculate what he has to offer in this relationship other than his dick. Honestly, she just spent $80k on him while the two of them were broken up, so obviously he’s doing something right. Archie, you’re doing amazing sweetie!!
South Side High has officially shut down and is merging with Riverdale High. I’m hoping this transition will be about as peaceful as when Degrassi High merged with Lakehurst High, otherwise I won’t be pleased.
HOLY SHIT. Polly is back, and she is definitely not pregnant anymore. Interesting. Also, she joined a cult? She’s like “I have to go where my babies can be accepted.” So like, did you join a cult, or more of a traveling three-ring circus? You can be honest with us, Polly. This is a safe space.
POLLY: I didn’t join a cult, but I am moving to a farm in the middle of nowhere and giving the leader all of my life savings.
BETTY:
Sooo the FBI is looking into Hiram? Seems like small potatoes compared to the Jingle Jangle operation growing out of the high school’s basement, but okay. The FBI wants Archie to help them take Hiram down, which is fucking laughable. Like, did the FBI even do their homework on him? Have they not seen his sexually charged fight club Red Hood propaganda video?? Cause I’m pretty sure those made it to YouTube.
Lol the outrage Jughead feels towards the Powers That Be of Riverdale for shutting down his drug-ridden high school is akin to the outrage I feel towards ABC for shutting down my dreams of making Peter the next Bachelor. We’re on the same page, Juggie!
RIVERDALE COUNTY: We are shutting down South Side High because of the meth lab in the basement of the school.
JUGHEAD: Oh the injustice! There was no meth, just Jingle Jangle!!
Yes, Jughead, but the side effects of Jingle Jangle are equally dangerous. Just look at Bella Thorne, poster girl for Jingle Jangle drug use (I assume).
Tragic.
Archie starts grilling the Lodges about their shady AF business dealings at the family dinner table, and he’s doing it with zero subtlety. Yeah your case is fucked, FBI.
The Serpents show up to Riverdale High and there is more angst and tension in this room than when Troy Bolton had to tell his teammates that he had the music in him. Archie decides to implant himself into this little North Side/South Side smackdown and is just like “chill guys. We’re all in this together!” Normally I’m always down for a song-and-dance number to break out during a moment of confrontation on any show where hot twentysomethings are playing hot high schoolers, but like, I think I’d rather just watch Cheryl emotionally eviscerate these people. I ask for so little these days.
So Cheryl 100% saw Archie and Betty make out, and honestly, I hope she tells Veronica. There’s nothing I love more than watching a beautiful fuckboy get his comeuppance. Drag him, Cheryl. DRAG HIM.
Betty is still searching for her brother and her parents are PISSED. Calling it now, this prom baby is JP and Alice’s son. Hal is way too pissed at the prospect of this reunion for the kid to be his.
Archie asks Cheryl if she wants to hit up Nick Sinclair for more hush money so he can have a plausible excuse to drill him for information on Hiram’s shady business dealings, and it’s the first not-terrible idea he’s had since he decided to quit his music career. Blessings.
Y’ALL THEY FOUND THE BROTHER. So just real quick before I analyze this Dr. Phil-worthy Cooper reunion scene, lemme just drop my casual conspiracy theory about the long-lost Cooper child upon you all. You’re welcome in advance. Remember how I said I don’t trust the detective skills of two kids who just passed their driver’s test? And, like, maybe the Black Hood is still out there in the world? Yeah? Well my theory is that the Black Hood is Chic Cooper, the long-lost Cooper brother (and low-key also Jughead and Betty’s half sibling). You can fight me in the comments about this, but come the season finale when Betty loses her v-card to Jughead, they’ll find out they share a sibling and he’s trying to kill them all. CALLING IT NOW.
Like, tell me this guy doesn’t look like he would murder you in your sleep??
Anyway, back to this disturbing AF scene. Why is Betty’s brother living in some disgusting fucking motel? Is he a prostitute? Is he hooked on the Jingle Jangle?? I NEED ANSWERS.
Ah, so he IS a prostitute. I have so many questions about this, but mostly, why are there so many prostitution rings in a town whose population is, like, 10 families? Riddle me that, CW.
Archie pays a visit to Nick Sinclair, our favorite resident date rapist. Jesus. The intimidation tactics Archie is employing on Nick rn are killing me. He’s trying to pretend like he gives a fuck about Cheryl and her money but is also very obviously asking him about Hiram Lodge and his involvement in Nick’s “skiing accident.” I’m honestly getting emotional whiplash from his behavior.
ARCHIE: I don’t want any trouble if you could just please maybe help me out and sign this check for me please?
ALSO ARCHIE: WTF DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HIRAM LODGE??
I will say that I’m v impressed that Archie beat the shit out of someone with two broken legs, date rapist or not. I bet that was good for his ego.
Veronica confronts Archie about why he’s been acting weird AF. And Archie is just like I MADE OUT WITH BETTY BUT I’M DEFINITELY NOT HELPING THE FBI RUIN YOUR DAD. Smooth, Archie, v v smooth.
Jughead is treating this whole “no gang” rule at school like it’s infringement on his constitutional rights or something. First of all, Jughead, you’re 16 so fucking chill. Second of all, I’m pretty sure it’s super common for public, state-run high schools to not promote gang affiliations. But by all means, brood away.
Surprise, sur-fucking-prise. Archie doesn’t think he got the right guy for the Black Hood.
Can’t wait for this plot line to be dragged out for six more episodes.
Okay, Chic is fucking terrifying. Is this how the episode is going to end? With him watching Betty sleep in a very sib-cest kind of way?? If you need me I’ll just be on my soap box trolling Reddit trying to gain traction for my Riverdale conspiracy theories. BYE.
It’s no secret that I love television. I’m named after a reality TV legend, for fuck’s sake. It’s also no secret that the spring TV schedule usually kinda sucks. During the fall, all our favorites come back and Shonda Rhimes usually has at least one new show with a strong, sexually aware female lead that turns our world upside down. By spring, we’re left with Dancing with the Stars and world’s worst most boring season of The Bachelor. But this year there’s a handful of new shows mixing shit up and taking over our lives. I mean, who needs to go to the gym and work on their summer body anyway? So to make sure you’re not spending your TV time watching The Office reruns on Netflix, here are our seven fave new shows that you need to be watching rn or you can’t sit with us.
1. ‘Big Little Lies’
If you haven’t watched this yet, you’re probably already being excluded from some TV talk sessions with your work besties and you just don’t know it yet. HBO got the the rights to the book and are fucking slaying so hard with the mini-series that even book snobs can’t say shit about “the book being so much better” (vom). It’s about some rich AF moms and their families who have Gretchen Weiners’ hair of secrets and hate each other, but somehow get tied up in a murder at a PTA fundraiser—you know, typical mom shit. It also stars a bunch of betchy actresses like Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman and Zoe Kravitz, so that never hurts. The whole thing is pretty much life goals minus the abuse and homicide. The only downside of this show is you have to deal with Shailene Woodley being around a bunch, but that’s just life in 2017, I guess.
2. ‘The Arrangement’
Ah… An E! scripted series. Who knew they could actually create real TV shows? First they gave us The Royals, and their newest show is more of the same shit: juicy, kind of ridiculous at times, wealthy-famous-people drama. The premise of The Arrangement is that a pretty actress is offered a contract marriage with one of the hottest stars in Hollywood. Seems pretty standard, whatever. Where it gets good is that it’s supposedly based on Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ insane relationship that had him jumping on Oprah’s couch like a goddamn lunatic and how the whole thing was arranged by The Church of Scientology. I love a conspiracy theory, but one reenacted by the geniuses that brought us the Kardashians? Sign me right tf up.
3. ‘Z: The Beginning of Everything’
For those of you who read Cliffsnotes for The Great Gatsby in high school and remember thinking “I’d fucks with this life,” then this show is for you. The show tells the tale of Zelda Fitzgerald, the flapper betch who had her husband, F Scott Fitzgerald (ya know, the Gatsby dude) wrapped around her finger. She raised hell and didn’t give a fuck who knew it. And instead of focusing on her famous husband, Z: The Beginning of Everything puts the badass woman who inspired one of the world’s most iconic stories in the spotlight where she belongs. It takes place in the 1920s so there’s lots of glitz and sex and illegal behavior and who doesn’t love that shit? Also, Zelda is played by two enormous eyes that people keep telling me are a human woman named Christina Ricci, and they’re doing a great job.
4. Imposters
You didn’t think I was going to do this whole thing without mention of a Bravo show did you? Lol it’s like y’all don’t know me at all. But for real, this show is fire. Is it exactly like The Catch on ABC? Sure. But it’s better, and don’t any of you argue with me on this because you’re wrong and I’m right. Fucking duh. It’s better because the main girl is the con artist who takes guys for everything they’re worth instead of another asshole dude fucking over a bunch of girls. So yeah, #Feminism. The Bravo version also has Uma Thurman going all Kill Bill and fucking up anyone who messes with the con. Again, #feminism.
5. ‘Riverdale’
I know, I know… The CW gets some love? What’s next? Freeform? But you can’t hate too much because The CW brought us Gossip Girl (RIP). And this show is fucking legit, okay? It’s got all the elements to make a binge-able show. Teen drama, love triangles, a gay best friend, an average person getting all hot and shit over the summer, a teacher-student affair, fucking murder. I mean, what else can you ask for? It’s the Archie comics but like, not lame AF and missing half the pages because your camp friend stored it under her mattress all summer.
6. ‘Feud: Bette and Joan’
Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, two gorgeous famous betches who fucking hate each other. Isn’t that how it goes? No? Weird. We love this FX series for a ton of reasons. 1) Ryan Murphy created it and he’s pretty much a male, slightly more twisted version of Shonda Rhimes in the sense that everything he touches is fucking gold; 2) It’s the story of two legendary actresses who wanted to kill each other on the scene of a movie they filmed; 3) One of those legendary actresses is Joan Crawford, aka the “NO MORE WIRE HANGERS EVER” lady, and 3) Jessica Lange and Susan Sarandon are literal perfection. If that’s not enough for you, then idk what else to say.
7. ‘Twin Peaks’
Tbh, I never saw the original because I was born in the 90s and I was way too young for this shit when it first came out, also my ex wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it so I vowed never to watch. Sorry. But now literally everyone is wigging about the remake and it’s on Showtime so it can’t be bad. When you try and look up the plot, everything is super vague because they’re trying to build the suspense, which I can appreciate, so all I can tell you is that it’s about murder and shit and I love a crime series, especially one with a cult following—even if that cult includes my ex, who fucking sucks.
