Quarantining for this long can be hard. Let’s be honest, as much as we’re all enjoying drinking any time of the day or “bettering ourselves” by learning a new skill (is anyone actually doing that?), being stuck at home still sucks. As someone who travels full-time, like many of you, I’m bored with being home all the time. Taking walks in my neighborhood just isn’t cutting it, so I’ve decided to travel—travel from home, that is.
In this fast-paced digital work-from-home age, we can do almost anything from home. It’s time we started traveling from the comfort of our own homes too. Below, I’m sharing several ways you can satisfy your wanderlust without ever setting foot outside your house. No need to shower, get dressed, or pack a bag. Just sit back and enjoy these travel experiences from your bed, couch, or other indoor destination of choice.
Virtual travel may be the next best thing to actual travel. Destinations and attractions do not want to be forgotten about while we’re all stuck at home, so many of them have set up ways you can “visit” from wherever you are. Capture the essence of Santa Barbara, explore Australia, or even visit one of my favorite UNESCO World Heritage sites, Angkor Wat, all without having to put on pants.
Virtual tours of Santa Barbara allow you to drop in on a wave at Campus Point, stroll the Santa Barbara waterfront, or get a glimpse of the animals at Santa Barbara Zoo or see what’s blooming at the Santa Barbara Botanic Garden.
Ventura Harbor Village offers webcam viewing of the harbor, plus a nightly live stream from the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club.
Italy’s Emilia Romagna region has crafted a list of virtual tours and experiences for those of us who would rather be in Italy right now. Tour art exhibits, street art, or take a virtual history lesson. The City of Bologna broadcasts filmed concerts every Friday and Saturday.
Prefer to travel down under? Australia Tourism has curated a YouTube playlist of 18 quintessential Australian experiences. Ride along the Great Ocean Road or go underwater at the Great Barrier Reef.
If you missed out on your bachelorette party, the City of New Orleans also has several virtual tours, including the New Orleans Museum of Art, National WWII Museum, the Audubon Zoo, and many others. Okay, so that’s probably not exactly the bachelorette rager you had planned, but there’s something to be said for a little cultural enrichment (and you can bring your mixed drink along for the tour).
Did you know you can use Google Maps to travel virtually? Yeah, it’s not only good for directions. Google Maps Treks offers street-view treks of some of the most amazing spots on the planet. One of my personal favorites is a trek through the temples of Angkor. You can also raft down the Colorado River, head out on a polar bear safari in Canada, or visit the Taj Mahal. Your solitary walk around the block just got a little more interesting to look at.
Movies & TV Shows To Inspire Your Wanderlust
I’ll be the first to admit, I’m a basic bitch when it comes to my favorite travel movie: Eat Pray Love is one of my biggest inspirations that led me to a life of full-time travel. I’m pretty much living proof that a movie can do more than satisfy your wanderlust temporarily; it may just lead to a lifetime as a travel addict.
Catch Me If You Can – Follow Frank Abagnale Jr (Leonardo DiCaprio) as he forges and fibs his way around the world, impersonating an airline pilot. Just don’t try the cons at home, ok?
Midnight In Paris – Starring Owen Wilson and Rachel McAdams, this movie takes you back to the Jazz age of Paris.
The Motorcycle Diaries – This 2004 film is based on the memoirs of Che Guevara as he and his friend travel from Brazil to Peru by motorcycle.
Up In The Air – After months of quarantine, even business travel sounds exotic. Watch Anna Kendrick and George Clooney navigate the world of corporate downsizing and the road warrior life. Honestly, I would kill to pay $15 for a beer at an airport bar at this point.
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel – This British comedy-drama takes you to India with a group of British retirees that includes Dame Judi Dench and Maggie Smith. This is a great movie for those who want to move overseas for a simpler life.
Under The Tuscan Sun – The Eat Pray Love before Eat Pray Love. Diane Lane plays a middle-aged American divorcée who buys a villa in Tuscany. Goals, tbh.
The Bucket List – Follow Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman as they stare down mortality by knocking items off their bucket list. From the French Alps to the Taj Mahal, this movie will definitely feed your wanderlust.
Parts Unknown – Anthony Bourdain breaks down borders around the globe while breaking bread with people from every walk of life.
Bizarre Foods – Andrew Zimmern travels the globe and eats anything and everything.
Booze Traveler – This Travel Channel show follows Jack Maxwell as he travels to learn about local drinks and the stories behind them.
Places to Love – The OG solo female traveler, Samantha Brown, shares all of the places around the world that we should check out. Watching her show is like getting the inside scoop on the best non-overdone places to travel, before it becomes saturated by everyone on Instagram.
Online Cultural Experiences
Looking for a more interactive cultural travel experience? Look no further than Airbnb Experiences Online, where you can experience the local culture and connect with locals. Learn magic tricks, musical instruments, or learn how to make Mexican street tacos with a professional chef.
Travel By Taste
Nothing helps you dive deep into a culture quite like the local cuisine. One of the best parts of travel is trying authentic dishes and drinks in each destination. Recreating one of your favorite travel meals at home is a great way to relive memories of your trip. Check out some of these international inspirations and start making your grocery list.
New Orleans is one of the best foodie cities in the world, and they’ve compiled a list of traditional New Orleans dishes that you can make at home.
My Switzerland has a huge list of Typically Swiss Recipes, from Rack of Lamb to fondue and meringue.
If cooking seems a bit overwhelming, how about this recipe for the Original Cuban El Floridita Daquiri recipe?
Or you can try these easy travel-inspired recipes that don’t require a ton of ingredients or equipment.
Plan A Trip
The anticipation of an upcoming trip has been proven to make you just as happy as the trip itself. So now is the perfect time to start planning your next vacation—just maybe hold off on making any non-refundable purchases. Not only will trip planning boost your mood during quarantine and give you something to look forward to, but travel has never been cheaper than right now. Airlines are being super flexible with flight credits, so you can book a trip now and get a flight credit if you have to cancel. I’ve spotted round-trip flights from New York to Paris for less than $300. If that’s not an instant mood-boost, I don’t know what is.
Images: Valerie Wilson
It is my personal opinion that there are enough bars in Manhattan that no one should ever have wait in line to get in. The same can be said about bachelorette weekend destinations. There are more than enough fun cities in the world to take cute Instagrams in matching high-waisted bathing suits, but that doesn’t stop way too many of our fave brides-to-be from throwing their cowboy boots in a duffle and heading to Nashville for their bachelorette weekend. For those of you who would like to experience what being original feels like, but still want to have a truly fab weekend with your best friends, please, for f*ck’s sake, avoid the following cities and give the world some fresh inspiration!
Obv had to start with the most traveled-to destination. I don’t have the precise figures on how many groups of young women travel to Honky Tonk Town for their bachelorette party, but if my Instagram is an accurate indicator of the truth, then every basic bitch in America is booking her bachelorette trip to Nashville. Don’t get me wrong, Nashville is a seriously great city, and I was this close to spending four years there for college, but I chose a different yet similarly Southern school instead. Oops? Look, if you truly love this city and are dying to take your crew here, you do you, but you will have to accept that you will be sharing Broadway with about a million other bachelorette parties. Who knows, maybe you’ll make a few new friends? However, you’re more likely to be really annoyed that it won’t really feel like your weekend. Also, give the Nashvillians a f*cking break from your drunken bullsh*t! One of my best friends lives there and said that going out is simply not an option anymore because every restaurant and bar has been taken over by bridal parties dying to run into Tim McGraw. Just let Jesus take the wheel and go to a different city below the Mason-Dixon if you want a Southern experience. Atlanta is prettier, cooler, and has a whole lot more to do (and we will have a bachelorette guide on it v soon)!
2. Las Vegas
View this post on Instagram
Get caught in the clouds.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Photo Cred: @donnalorraine15
Guys, stop going to Vegas. Just stop! You are better than the city in f*cking Nevada that’s still trying to make magic shows a thing. In my opinion, Las Vegas is like a really extravagant cage. Seriously, think about it! Your entire weekend takes place in your hotel during the day and on one street (the Strip) at night. If you venture like, one mile out of these confines, you’re in what looks like the set of Mad Max: Fury Road. People who love Vegas are f*cking extra, which I truly appreciate and respect, but you don’t need to waste your efforts on the place where Ross and Rachel got married. Look, I get it. You want Vegas because you want to wear makeup and heels at the pool without being #judged. You want to get a ton of money by having to do nothing more than deciding between red and black. You want to see if Magic Mike is a myth. We stan betches like you because you have no shame in your game! Vegas is not on your level, though. Instead, save your money and go to St. Tropez or Mexico City, two places that appreciate your level of extra.
Miami is like if Vegas was in Florida. Tbh, I love Miami, but not for a bachelorette party, because it’s where the rich kids in college went for spring break and then just went back for their bachelorette weekend, which is just tacky. Give yourself and your girls a place they can get excited about without having to worry about running into their grandparents on the beach. Yes, there’s always South Beach, but you will be one of many a bachelorette group taking group photos on the sand. You can do better, ladies. Again, Miami is so overdone because it’s a cool city, but there are so many other cool cities where you can do almost everything you’d do in Miami. For instance, ever been to St. Augustine? It’s gorgeous, full of charming bars, and obv has plenty of beaches so you can come home with a fresh af tan. What’s not to love?
4. New Orleans
Did we just write a Betches’ Bachelorette Guide to New Orleans? Yes. Is New Orleans overdone for bachelorette weekends? Yes! Look, the people wanted a NOLA guide, so we gave them a NOLA guide. See, we listen to you! However, as amazing as the Big Easy is, it’s time to go somewhere else. I just want to reiterate for the fourth time that all of these cities are great, but they’re almost so great that too many people are visiting them and making them sh*tty. For instance, apparently there was once a time when Rome was like a cute, charming quiet city in Italy that wasn’t dripping in tourists taking photos on iPads. Don’t let New Orleans become the next Rome, y’all. New Orleans is such a hot spot because of Bourbon Street and the Garden District (and, let’s be real, Cafe Du Monde), but think of all of the cities with amaze streets that you’d use for the same purposes as Bourbon Street. If all you want to do is bar hop on an aesthetically pleasing, historical street, go to M Street in Georgetown! It’s like the Northern New Orleans, but with preppier boys to flirt with and ruder bar tenders because Southern hospitality truly only exists in the South.
Remember when everyone on the f*cking planet realized Iceland exists, so at the exact same time, everyone booked a trip to Iceland? Charleston is the Iceland of the U.S. because it suffered the same influx of people, but in the form of bachelorette parties. I totally understand why: it’s like if Julia Engel was a city. Sadly, Charleston is too popular for its own good and we need to give it a rest so that it can become cool again. This tiny southern gem and its population of freelancers were not prepared for the swarm of matching T-shirts and people asking “Hi, sorry, excuse me? Can you take our pic 80 different ways?” Charleston is so f*cking charming it hurts, but for this very reason, it’s losing sight of who it is! There are other cities out there that have a pale pink house next to a mint green house with a palm tree in between! We just need to find them! Savannah is better in my opinion. You know why I think that? Because it’s the only city in the South that the Union’s army spared because it was too damn beautiful. You know what city got pummeled? Charleston!
Images: nashvilletn, cosmopolitan_lv, themiamiguide, visitneworleans, galmeetsglam / Instagram
Planning sucks, and bachelorette parties are a ton of work. So we’re taking all the guesswork out of planning a bachelorette party by breaking down top bachelorette destinations. Our guides will tell you where to stay, eat, party, how to get around, and give you a sample itinerary that you can follow. You’re welcome.
If you’ve only been to New Orleans for Mardi Gras and would like to associate the South’s soul with something other than plastic beads and flashing strangers on balconies, we’re with you. Believe it or not, NOLA is actually a really fun place during other weekends of the year, too! It has all the things you’d generally want in a vacation spot, like good weather (if you don’t mind 110% humidity), unreal food, and beyond charming vibes. The only thing is: If you want to have a relaxing weekend to bond and rejuvenate with your best friends for your bachelorette, New Orleans is not the place for you. Now, if you want an expertly stirred hand grenade that will properly f*ck you up by your third sip, we salute you.
In my opinion, New Orleans is the only city that actually looks how Pinterest makes it out to be and is as perfect as it seems. It’s not aggressively Southern, either, which, after living in Atlanta for five and a half years, I’m grateful for. Whether you’re there to realize your affinity for gigantic cocktails, or
diabetes beignets like there’s no tomorrow, or taking in the history (lol), you’ve def come to the right place. You in? We’re in!
How To Get There
Fly. Sorry, but unless you want to spend your entire youth in a car for a totally overrated road trip, book a flight and do it early. Feel free to take a shot every time I say I used to live in Atlanta. So back when I lived in Atlanta, I thought it’d be fun for three of my friends and I to do the seven-hour drive from the A to New Orleans for a long weekend, and none of us speak to each other anymore. Fun times! The great thing about Louisiana is that all of the important sh*t like the airport, bars, restaurants, hotels…etc. is in New Orleans. So getting from the airport to wherever you’re going only takes like, 30 minutes max.
Where To Stay
I may be mistaken, but every time I’ve been to New Orleans, the hotel options seem to be either trap houses or five-star resorts. No thx! Your best bet is to opt for an Airbnb so you can all be together in decent lodging without sacrificing your life savings or will to live. Technically, the Big Easy is f*cking huge, which can make deciding where to stay hard, but if you want to party, eat, and walk everywhere, pick a house in the French Quarter. It’s also objectively one of the two prettiest hoods in New Orleans, which matters if you plan on taking any pics while you’re there.
If you don’t know where the French Quarter is, it’s the neighborhood surrounding Cafe Du Monde. If you don’t know what that is, you don’t deserve to go to New Orleans. (Kidding, sort of.) Another amaze neighborhood to consider is the Garden District, which is as beautiful as it sounds. The houses are so f*cking charming with their pastel-painted exteriors, picket fences and immaculate front porches. In my opinion, French Quarter is more convenient if you want to hit a lot of locales in a short amount of time and minimize Uber expenses, but the Garden District is prettier if you want to enjoy the aesthetics of your stay for the weekend. Take your pick. You can’t go wrong.
View this post on Instagram
Life in New Orleans is all about enjoying the ride. Nothing beats a day filled with sunshine, blue skies, and a pair of wheels from @bluebikesnola. All around New Orleans, you’ll notice these racks of blue bikes – they’re a part of the city’s bike share program and a great way to soak up NOLA’s unique culture. Hop on and discover New Orleans. Turn your day into a neighborhood cruise. Leave with a story, not just a souvenir - ?: Rebecca Todd
How To Get Around
If it’s not raining, you honestly can walk literally everywhere. All of the bars are basically on top of each other, so there’s no need to pool your money for a car service or anything fancy like that. Uber is also an option if you’re too lazy to walk less ~ten minutes from your house to Bourbon Street. No judgment, though, we stan a betch who saves her energy so she can rage for longer. Getting around is pretty simple here. Praise be.
Where To Eat
Everything. The cuisine here is so good that food just won’t taste the same when you go back to whatever sad town you’re from. Ok, so because saying that every restaurant in NOLA is amazing prob isn’t helpful for anyone planning a trip there, here are three to make sure you visit. First up is Paladar 511, which is basically on the Mississippi River, which, like, yas. It has enormously high ceilings and white-washed exposed brick walls for #vibes. More importantly, the food is a good introduction to what New Orleans is and we’re about it. Get the chicken roulade if you want to experience true happiness.
Next up is an incredible brunch spot. Cafe Amelie is so f*cking stunning you may want to consider just having your wedding here. The place was named after Amelie Miltonberger, the first American Princess of Monaco’s mom, who lived in an accompanying townhouse in the mid-1800s. There’s a little slice of history for ya! So because a legit royal lived here, you can imagine the place is nice. If you want to get a traditional NOLA dish, get the cochon de lait. I am a pickier eater than a 13-year-old boy, and even I love this dish.
Lastly, Court of Two Sisters in the French Quarter is another must-eat. The website describes it a “More than a restaurant—it’s a legend.” We don’t disagree. It’s legit authentic cajun and creole food. There’s also live jazz, which honestly sounds incredible considering I cannot eat in restaurants that play songs I want to dance to. It’s just not okay. Literally everything on the menu is incredible, so you really can’t go wrong, but the Chicken and Sausage Gumbo is what they’re famous for and once you taste it, you’ll understand why. F*ck, I’m hungry now.
Where To Party
Arguably the most important part of the trip is where and how you party. New Orleans understands this, which is why Bourbon Street exists. If you’re staying in the French Quarter, Bourbon Street is literally a two-second walk. Maybe four if you’re going at a leisurely pace. This street is packed with bars (and an incredible chicken finger joint called Willie’s), but the best ones are Cat’s Meow, Pat OBrien’s, and The Swamp. TBH, they’re all pretty similar, so if you end up at different ones, like Fat Catz, you didn’t miss anything. One bar to def check out, though is Lafitte’s Blacksmith Shop Bar, which is actually the oldest bar in America! Yay, more history! As its name implies, this place used to be a blacksmith shop, but it now serves moderately concentrated cocktails in cute cups! Don’t forget to take a pic by the 300-year-old fireplace for the ‘Gram.
View this post on Instagram
The oldest bar in the country with the oldest friends I have. ?
At some point during the partying, take a time out to get a beignet at Cafe Du Monde. You’ll sober up waiting in line, which is prob a plus if you want to remember the best dessert you’ll ever have.
If you’re staying in the Garden District, def still go to Bourbon Street for a night, but also feel free to stay in your hood. The Avenue Pub, which is home to some legit good beer (even if you don’t like beer), is right in the middle of the neighborhood, so be sure to stop buy and let these giant pours destroy you. Bouligny Tavern is also a goodie that is highly recommended for those who enjoy a fancy bite or two while they slowly black out. They have Vietnamese short ribs that are truly unreal. Magazine Street is packed with amazing shopping, restaurants, and going out spots, so you won’t run out of things to do.
You might be running low on time in your schedule by this point, but if you like live music, you absolutely must go out on Frenchman Street. It’s a short walk or Uber, depending on where you’re staying, and there’s no better place in the US to hear good, inexpensive live music. Hit up The Maison, Blue Nile, and Vaso and you’ll probably be out all night. Frenchman is a beloved spot for both tourists and locals, so you really can’t go wrong.
Friday, Day 1:
- Arrive at the pack, claim thy beds and decorate with penis or normal themed bach decor!
- Chill for a little and hydrate the f*ck up.
- Bar hop in the French Quarter: Carousel Bar, Little Tropical Isle and any other bars along the way.
- Walk to Manolito and stop at more bars along the way. Maybe get some food here so you can keep drinking and not feel like you’re slowly dying.
- Head back to the house to chill for a little bit/shower/get ready for dinner at Paladar 511, which is a v short cab away from the French Quarter.
- Uber to Ghost Tour on Bourbon Street for a bar crawl of NOLA’s “haunted” bars: Cat’s Meow, Fat Catz, The Swamp and Pat O’Brien’s. For the love of god, keep your wristbands on so security doesn’t throw you out. Southerners may be hospitable, but they won’t hesitate to literally push you out the door and lock it behind you.
- Sweet sleep.
Saturday, Day 2:
- Brunch at Cafe Amelie. Carbo-load and order a few mimosas to gear up for the day.
- Pick a spot and spend the afternoon at some bars. Good options are Longway Tavern, Bakery Bar, Erin Rose, Bar Tonique and Molly’s. Again, all of these bars are pretty similar, so don’t feel compelled to go to literally all of them if you don’t want to die of alcohol poisoning.
- Take a break to go to Cafe Du Monde, the creator of the cherished beignet. Full disclosure, you will be waiting in line for a hot sec, but the fried dough doused in sugar will convince you it was all worth it. And also the line moves faster than you think.
- Uber home and chill before dinner at Jack Rose. I could use my English major “show, don’t tell” skills to describe how gorgeous this place is, but you can also just check out their Instagram to save my word count and your time. All I will say is that this is how jewel tones were meant to be used! The menu is a crossover between French, Italian and Spanish food, which sounds like the most important cuisines if you ask me. Not a soup person, but the crawfish bisque is the stuff of dreams, y’all.
- Drinks at Jack Rose’s rooftop bar neighbor, Hot Tin, before heading back to Bourbon for any bars you didn’t hit the day before.
- Goodnight moon
Sunday, Day 3:
- Leisurely sober (or not) brunch at Court of Two Sisters before heading back to the house to pack and get ready for the airport
- Until next time, New Orleans!
Images: Instagram; Cafe Amelie; Unsplash
Hi everyone, sorry this recap is late but either the weather change or my inability to drink fluids that aren’t of the fermented grape variety got me very sick. Lucky for you, I chased my DayQuil with a few glasses of Merlot and I’m feeling like a new woman.
So let’s review—last week, no matches continued to take a giant shit on this game. Zoe expressed the weirdest interest in Kareem, even though he’s all about Alivia and like, fucking unhinged. Also, there were condiments spread on Nurys’ nipple and licked off by a low budget live-action Johnny Bravo. Okay cool, we’re all caught up.
AT THE HOUSE
Malcolm and DD are all over each other now that Nurys brought the fuckin pantry to her lady bits. Malcolm’s like “DD knows just how to get me to move on!!” Oh, I’m sure she’s got some perfectly respectable methods.
Nurys thinks DD is a rebound, DD thinks she’s the love of Malcolm’s life, and I think they both are morons. Like seriously, what do you guys see in this dude besides the fact that he could pass as a Jason Derulo impersonator at a male strip club?
Dimetri and Nicole are cuddling and Dimetri literally only likes her body. Like seriously, he says that. On national television. What a guy.
Nicole is like “I love taking care of people that are immature” and it’s like, okay so go work at the Boys & Girls Club? The fuck.
Alivia acknowledges that even though she’s with Kareem, she “specifically requested a dumb Italian guy,” and apparently that guy is Keith. Who knew Keith is Italian? I feel like he’s def the redheaded stepchild of the Italian family. Keith looks like a poor man’s Chris Pratt—not Pauly D.
Kareem watches Alivia talk to Keith and is like “I’m a cute kind of jealous. When you are polite to someone else it’s like, NO FUCK THAT BE POLITE TO ME YOU DUMB BITCH. See, it’s cute.”
The girls are like, “we’ve been wanting to do a lingerie party for so long!” and it’s like, yeah cause y’all are hoes.
Dimetri immediately starts making sexual comments to every girl in the room, because ya know, that always works out. He’s like “I like Nicole but I really wanna fuck every girl here.” Ugh it’s such a bummer every time he opens his stupid fucking mouth. Like, do you hear yourself, like when you speak?
Nicole is openly pretty fucking pissed and Dimetri is like “what, I’m just playing?” which is the trademark of fuckboys universally. Dimetri is like “I have no filter and people think I’m a flirt” and it’s like, uh you literally just said you wanna fuck other girls.
DIMETRI: **says he wants to fuck other girls**
NICOLE: You said you want to fuck other girls
DIMITRI: THIS IS FAKE NEWS
Zoe goes to move in on Kareem and they start grinding on each other, which Alivia is supposedly fine with. She’s so fine, in fact, that she’s going to hang out with Keith upstairs, because like, it’s fine. Idk how this chat even takes place when Keith can barely put a fuggin sentence together.
Kareem tells Zoe that when he originally came into the house, he was interested in her. Uh huh, oooookay. Of course Zoe buys that stupid shit and they start making out in the closet. I honestly feel like this house is just a combo of closets, showers, and the boom boom room.
Zoe legit starts bouncing around from person to person telling them how her and Kareem made out. Damn Zoe, I remember when I got my first kiss. Couldn’t keep your mouth shut for a fuckin’ second?
Keyana’s moral compass seems to appear out of nowhere and she decides that it’s pretty fucked up of Kareem to do that. She tells Keith, Alivia, and Tyler what Zoe told her. So like, again, this is kind of Zoe’s fault. Just making sure we’re all on the same page.
Alivia goes outside to see wtf is up and sees Kareem and Zoe in the pool, hanging all over each other. She gives him the universal “go fuck yourself” thumbs up and then runs into Keith’s Italian arms where he whispers sweet nothings of raviolis and “when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amoreeee.”
Nicole tells Kareem that Alivia knows about the kiss and he’s like “how could this be?!” as Zoe slowly tries to drown herself in the pool.
Kareem gets super mad at Keyana, even though, say it with me, it’s really not her fault. Kareem starts yelling at Keyana and Tyler steps in and is like, uh you did this? Kareem and Tyler start shoving each other and tbh I’m feeeeeeling Tyler rn. If this doesn’t get him laid in the house, idk what will.
Security comes in to separate shit while Kareem continues to lose his fuckin mind. Zoe’s like “I feel so dumb” and it’s like, well sweetie, *pats her on the head* that’s cause you are.
Kareem and Clinton are having a heart-to-heart about how Kareem made a pretty massive fuckup. Clinton drops some Jesus knowledge on him and is like “yo you’re mad at yourself, not Keyana or Tyler.” What bible verse is that?
Uche and Clinton go on a mini date and talk about how they are moving super slow and they love it. I mean, they need to save room for the holy spirit in their life. Clinton likes that they are respectful and not fucking losers like the rest of them. Honestly, I’m rooting for you two Jesus freak virgins.
Real question—do any of these girls own bras?
Anyway, Zoe talks about making out with Kareem and Alivia starts crying. Kareem finally admits he may have done something wrong, like maaaaybe. Alivia swears she can’t get back with Kareem anymore even though we all know that’ll last for like, three days.
After making a girl cry, Terrence J is like “ALRIGHT time for the truth booth!!!!” I love how MTV picks hosts who have like, no soul.
Dimetri and Nicole to the truth booth and it’s not a surprise that they aren’t a match. It was such an anti-climatic truth booth, I’m not even going to waste another sentence on it.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
While the girls are trying to talk strategy, the Shad is trying to figure out how to exist in this world without looking like a complete fucking idiot. Both situations are a lost cause.
The Shad’s like “girls say I’m being a dick but they are really into me”, which I honestly imagine is probably true. I can’t even really argue with that. Know yourself, know your worth.
Audrey decides to be bold and have a simple conversation with Shad. That conversation literally just becomes her repeating “I hate you” to Shad, which is pretty reasonable.
She’s like “I don’t want to be 100% into Michael because love isn’t real on this scripted show.” What? Who said that?
MATCH UP CEREMONY
It’s the girls’ turn to choose and if they fuck this up, the men are going to do what they do best and hold the mistake over their heads until the end of time.
THE DUDES: But, her emails!!!!!!
Alexis is first and picks Dimetri. Keith rolls his eyes because he knows that no one can handle Alexis’ crazy ass but him—and honestly idk if that’s a good or bad thing.
DD is up next and we’re all like, okay she obviously is picking Malcolm, right? She decides to pick Kareem—wtf. Everyone is like, why are you this way??
Joe, the weed farmer, is like “they are so fucking stupid I can’t take them seriously,” which is what I’ve said about every new pledge class in my sorority.
Zoe picks Joe, whose hair is longer than mine. Joe’s honestly one of the prettiest lesbians I have ever seen, wow.
Uche picks Clinton, duh.
Audrey’s up next and goes on about how much she likes Michael and how he broke down her walls, etc. but then picks Shad, who turns her stomach.
Audrey explains that the girls are not listening to their heart, but just kinda randomly selecting their matches.
AUDREY: We figure, why not? Take a crazy chance? Why not? Do a crazy dance? If you lose the moment, you may lose a lot. So why not?
THE GUYS: Isn’t that a Hilary Duff song?
AUDREY: This is fake news.
Jada picks Tyler, even though I’m pretty sure she could beat him up.
Keyana picks Anthony.
Nicole picks Ethan, which is good because SOMEONE LOVE ETHAN.
Geles picks Michael.
Keith is watching the match up ceremony and is like “I took statistics in college and this doesn’t look promising.” He acts like he’s a fucking Stanford alum mathematician. Keith, your remedial math class at Oklahoma State doesn’t count.
Nurys picks Keith.
Which leaves Alivia and Malcolm.
Terrence J asks Alivia about the Kareem situation and she’s like “I expected this from every other dude but not Kareem.” #NotAllMen
Thankfully for them, they don’t black out. They get 3 beams. Which isn’t good, but isn’t bad either. Kind of what I imagine hooking up with Shad would be like.
Back at the house, Kareem is talking to Alivia and is like “me fucking up makes me love you more!!!” Not entirely sure how that works out, but k.
Alivia is like “I need time to figure this out” and it’s like, you’re not doing amazing, sweetie.
In spite of showing up to class hungover after dollar beer nights almost every week, you still made it to graduation. Congratulations betch, you’re about to leave the best time of your life and just be in… the rest of your life. Before you join the real world and have to make small talk with Annie from sales every Monday morning in the office kitchen, you need to enjoy your summer after graduation by some much needed traveling. So after you throw that cap up and attend approximately sixty graduation parties, go explore (aka get drunk in) these cities and celebrate never having to write another paper again.
If only you could get free miles for every time you order pad thai, you could get a free trip to Thailand. Chances are this isn’t a place you studied abroad in, so it’s the perfect candidate for a post-grad trip. The Full Moon Party is an all-night party on an island that every visiting foreigner is going to be at. It’s like the Coachella of Thailand, but with more neon and less cultural appropriation. Well, actually we can’t promise the last part, because there will be Aussies there and they’re unpredictable.
2. Road Trip Across The U.S.
This is perfect if you’re already moving to a new city, because you’re going to have to move your shit somewhere anyway. Road tripping across the U.S. is something you thought about since you saw Britney in Crossroads and honestly it’s worth doing. Just make sure you get a good enough group together so you have someone to switch off driving with you. Plus the more rural you get the cheaper alcohol is. Bring a polaroid camera to get some IRL Instagram photos. Wait, are those just called photos? *stares off into space for 20 minutes* Also, you’ll be surprised how fun thrifting is in small towns, and you’ll be able to pick up some dope clothes and finally get rid of your Forever 21 shit from college.
Berlin is like the nice guy we friendzoned in freshman year and then got super hot when he started working out. Like, we imagine it’s a chill city but now it’s one of the best places to be as a young adult. Everyone speaks English so you can get by without doing much work, and people are friendly to Americans. People love getting naked in clubs, but not in the creepy way. Plus people judge you for having your phone out at bars, which means you can actually have a good time off-line and be present in the moment or whatever my mom is constantly yelling at me to do.
Before you have to think about the answer to the “what’s next” question, get on a plane and get as far away from your anxiety about the future as you possibly can. Australia has hot people, beaches, and adorable koalas. Everyone in Australia is constantly traveling outside of Australia, so you might as well return the favor. Plus even if you don’t land the jobs you want, getting bad news while learning to surf from an instructor named Monty isn’t such a bad thing.
If you don’t want to spend money before you actually start working full-time, we got you. Iceland is between Europe and the U.S. and it’s always cheap to fly there. You probably know it from every Instagram model’s page ever, but you can swim in the Blue Lagoon and who knows, maybe you’ll get a new Linkedin headshot out of it. Sure, you’ll be dressed completely inappropriately but at least everyone will know you’re adventurous. Iceland is a beautiful place and cheap to visit, which is perfect for your uncertainty about your future.
6. New Orleans
Take a graduation trip to New Orleans, trust us. If we had to describe New Orleans we’d say it’s the back tattoo of the South, but like in a good way. NOLA knows how to party. It’s a great place if you want to celebrate but still feel like an adult. Like, you’ve graduated from making out with randos in Mexico on Spring Break, and now you’re meeting strangers while surrounded by a ton of culture and great music. Plus the next time you come back it will probably be for your bachelorette party and that’s not going to be the same. Also Beyoncé filmed all of Lemonade there so you can hit up all the spots and pretend to be Bey even more than you normally do.
Amsterdam is like the Vegas of Europe with less wedding chapels. Everything looks like it’s taken straight out of a Snow White storybook, so when you get high on the (legal) brownies, you can actually feel like you’re a princess from a fairytale. Unfortunately if you’ve got drug tests for your jobs you might want to skip the coffee shops here, but also you could just pass your drug test and then take a quick vacation before starting work. Plus you can bike everywhere here, which means you can work off whatever remaining Freshman 15 you still have on you.
Congratulations Betches, we made it to another St. Patrick’s Day. Nestled between Valentine’s Day and Easter (two much shittier holidays), St. Paddy’s Day is the one day of the year when people are actually nice to gingers. St. Patrick’s Day is the best kind of holiday, because no one really knows/cares where it comes from, but it’s an extremely solid reason to get wasted. It might have something to do with like the Irish potato famine? I think I remember hearing something about like, snakes or some shit? Is Taylor Swift somehow involved? Idk, we’re not historians. Either way, St. Patrick’s dayis where it’s acceptable—nay, required—to get so drunk you pee somewhere you’re not supposed to. And like, sure, you could be boring AF and drink a larger-than-normal glass of wine at your friend’s apartment, or you could have the time of your life at one of these iconic St. Paddy’s destinations. You decide. But just know we will be judging your decision.
We’ve all seen the photos of the river in downtown Chi, which they literally dye green every year. We have a lot of questions about the environmental impact of this, but we also just like to drink. Come to think of it, maybe they should fill the river with beer? Can fish drink beer? Idk. Anyway, if you’re lucky enough to be in Chicago come St. Pat’s, there’s a huge parade through the city, and there are also like a million Irish bars if you get cold outside (likely). TBH if you live anywhere in the Midwest, hop in a car because Chicago is where you need to be.
This might seem random, but Savannah, Georgia has one of the biggest St. Patrick’s Day parades in the country. If you’re in the mood to get out of the city for a few days, head south to Savannah for a more culturally accurate version. If you’re feeling really Irish, you can even go to the official Catholic Mass before the parade, because God knows we all have some sins to atone for. Just remember, the communal wine is the blood of Christ, and not to be used for body shots.
3. New Orleans
You’d think New Orleans might still be collectively hungover from Mardi Gras, but they always turn back up in time for St. Paddy’s. The Irish Channel Parade is conveniently located by some outstanding bars, and they’re known for throwing literal whole cabbages, so your Instagram caption can be a joke about boobs if you catch two. If you’re still in the mood to party once the official shit is over, don’t worry: the bars here literally don’t close. And, it bears repeating, you can walk around with open containers of alcohol in the streets—legally.
Boston has like 3 billion Irish people, so you know shit’s gonna get crazy. Too bad the weather is literally the worst. This year the blizzard is forcing them to cut the parade in half, which just means you’ll have to get drunk that much quicker. We don’t know a lot about Boston, but the parade goes through Southie, which means you’ll probably see the Afflecks and the Wahlbergs!!
5. New York
NYC has a huge St. Patrick’s Day parade on Fifth Avenue every year, so it’s basically like every other holiday in New York. There are also numerous official bar crawls happening, so if you’re in the mood to walk a few miles while you drink that’s a solid option. Either way, there’s always a way to have a good time in a city of 10 million people.
If you’re trying to be as ~authentic~ as possible, save up and head to the motherland next year. They don’t fuck around, turning St. Paddy’s into a 4 day festival instead of one shitty parade. They light all the buildings with green lights and make it into a huge cultural event with tons of food, alcohol, and hopefully a few leprechauns. There’s Guinness literally everywhere you turn, so you have no excuse not to forget what country you’re in.