You probably know that Mercury is in retrograde right now (isn’t it always), but that’s actually the least of your concerns. This Wednesday Uranus (lol) moved out of Aries for the first time in seven years and landed squarely in Taurus, meaning sh*t is about to change dramatically for everyone. Ugh. Just when you were getting your life together (kind of). Here’s what the stars have in store for you this weekend.
Aries
What is this feeling? Is it…stability? This week Uranus left your sign and headed into Taurus, meaning your typical Friday night urge to go ham and forget your own name has finally passed. Not saying you’re gonna give up tequila shots entirely, but you’ll definitely be spending less on Uber cleaning fees, and that’s definitely something.
Taurus
You’re typically the person in your friend group who calls the Uber, steals your friend’s phone when she’s about to text a f*ckboy, and holds her hair back when the vodka comes back to get her. Starting this weekend, be ready to switch roles. Crazy-ass Uranus is headed into your sign this weekend, making your normally level-headed sign go batsh*t crazy. Don’t worry. It’ll only be there for the next seven years…
Gemini
Boundaries, Gemini, boundaries. Learn what this word means. Uranus is officially chilling in your twelfth house of “transitions and deep inner healing,” meaning it’s time to reevaluate your relationships with some of your “friends”. Is Meghan actually a bestie, or is she just someone who wants to take advantage of the liberal buddy pass policy at your gym? Also, can you even respect someone who spells Meghan with an h? These are questions you must ask.
Cancer
There’s a new moon in Pisces rn and it’s hitting you with a serious desire to GTFO. Seriously. If you’ve got travel miles, it’s time to use them. (If you don’t, Jennifer Garner seems pretty obsessed the Capital One Venture Rewards Card.) Obviously a last-minute vacay can be kind of a tall order, but if you ignore this desire now then you’re doomed to three more weeks of no vacation like a sad pale Punxsutawney Phil. Don’t be a sad pale Punxatawney Phil.
Leo
The new moon in Pisces is giving you all types of feels, specifically the “I need to know wtf is going on in my relationship” feels. If you and your latest boo are in undefined territory, this is the weekend to either lock it down or let it go. If you are in a committed thing, first of all congrats, second of all, how can you take it to the next level? I’m not saying get married, but I am saying there’s no harm in starting a Pinterest board for centerpieces. That’s just responsible planning.
Virgo
Exciting news for you, Virgo. After seven years of chilling in your house of relationships and f*cking up your entire life, Uranus has moved on. Yep, that’s right. Since the year 2003, Uranus has been sabotaging all of your relationships. You knew it wasn’t your fault. But now you’re free! Take this weekend to advance a current relationship, scope out new prospects, and finally let go of the f*ckboys that were holding you back. Also f*ck Uranus forever, right?
Libra
Initiating slut mode! (Okay, so “sluts” are actually just a construct created by the patriarchy to control women’s sexuality but like, you get what I mean.) Uranus is headed into your house of all things mystical, metaphysical, and erotic for the next seven years, so if you don’t have an IUD…maybe get on that. The stars are literally aligned for you to embark on some crazy, sexy adventures, so embrace it. I mean who doesn’t want to be the Samantha of the group?
Scorpio
Uranus is on the move, and so are you! It’s time to change sh*t up. This is not the weekend to hit up your usual bar, with your usual friends, and order your usual drinks. You’re in the mood for a change, even if that just means getting a different type of cocktail. Even Carrie Bradshaw has started drinking Stellas now. Find a way you can change it up this weekend, or be relegated to a fate worse than death: boredom.
Sagittarius
Awwww Sagittarius what’s wrong? You’re like, hella sensitive right now (thanks, new moon in Pisces). To get through this weekend without a public meltdown, remember the following:
– No, everyone is not mad at you.
– No, everyone is not hanging out without you.
– Sometimes texts come off angry but the sender was actually just on the toilet and typing with one hand.
– No, these feelings do not belong on Insta story.
– Please text your mother.
Capricorn
Luckily for you, Capricorn, this new moon in Pisces is actually having a positive effect on your life (see every other sign’s horoscopes for more info on how this could have played out). You’re in the mood to get sh*t moving in your life, so take some time this weekend to be productive in some form. Just remember that Mercury is in retrograde, so please check and re-check all important emails for typos.
Aquarius
Admit it Aquarius, you’re bored af. Luckily, Uranus is flying all over the place rn, making this weekend the perfect time to shake sh*t up. This is not the weekend for responsible decision-making. This is the weekend for following fun, excitement, and adventure, no matter where that may lead you. Just remember to refrain from using the phrase “Uranus made me do it” when your parents are buying you a return flight from Vegas because you woke up Sunday morning with $-100 in checking.
Pisces
New moon, same you! The new moon in your sign is amplifying all your most-Pisces like tendencies, so don’t be alarmed if you cry at every dog that you see. The new moon is also going to give you some clarity about wtf you’re doing in life (for once), so be sure to take some time to actually write your goals down before the new moon fades and you forget literally everything you wanted to do with your life.
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The weekend may start with a Friday the 13th, but a New Moon and solar eclipse save your ass from total destruction. Fun Fact: Friday the 13th has nothing to do with your horoscope, really. You still might get bad vibes heading into the weekend with dark nighttime skies thanks to said New Moon, but like, no black cats or witches or anything. Still, it’s a perfect opportunity to snuggle up with a hottie to watch scary movies in honor of the 13th. If you ask me, that doesn’t sound too unfortunate—just don’t go breaking any mirrors. Here are your weekend horoscopes for July 13-15:
Aries
Mercury’s power in your sign means you will not be able to hold your tongue this weekend. You won’t sit back at the weekend barbecue when some skank starts running her mouth with godawful opinions. Like, sorry, I know it’s “Trump’s America” or whatever, but that doesn’t give you a pass to be racist, sexist or a general bigot. I’m looking at you, Papa John. People better mind their manners around you this weekend, because you aren’t afraid to wag a finger and let someone know what’s up.
Taurus
The Solar Eclipse occurring in your communication zone Thursday will impact the rest of the weekend. You might be running damage control from all the tea you spilled while under the influence of the moon. Whether you revealed a deep dark secret about yourself or someone else, it might be best to just not bring it up again and hope your friends were too distracted looking at their own Instagram posts to remember what you said.
Gemini
Expect support in unexpected places this week. Maybe someone you’re not great of friends with steps in to hold your hair while you throw up after too many margaritas. Maybe your Hinge hookup comes through with words of encouragement about your job. Maybe you find a bralette that actually keeps your boobs up. Take relief in knowing reinforcements are coming.
Cancer
Sure, you can get defensive about things, but this is the weekend to show you’re a lover, not a fighter. Instead of bickering with your boyfriend, channel that annoyed feeling into passionate sorta-anger sex. Instead of replying to your insane aunt’s political Facebook posts, screenshot them and send to your mom to have a good laugh about her crazy sister. Turn every situation that could make you angry into something that could make you laugh, or orgasm. Either works.
Leo
Mercury and Neptune are at odds with each other in your house of secrets. Being full of secrets won’t make your hair bigger, Leo, but it will make it risky for you to drink around someone you’re hiding something from. Instead of avoiding booze, avoid being around people you have to hide shit from. I guess if you’re going to spill the tea this weekend, just make sure it’s the Long Island kind.
Virgo
The hidden Moon in your chart can leave you feeling bored and restless. You better have plans that distract you this weekend or you’ll probably drive yourself crazy tapping through those horrible “ask me a question” stories on Insta. It’s summer, so there should be a lot going on. This weekend, make like Cardi B’s baby and head out.
Libra
Trade the strong for sweet this weekend. They say you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, so take a softer approach to getting what you want. Play it low-key. You know the horrendous sparkly outfits Becca wears on The Bachelorette? Yeah, your personality should give off the opposite vibe. The right people will notice you for hanging back, playing it cool, and not drawing too much attention to yourself. Hey, it’s summer, everyone could use a little chill.
Scorpio
Your visibility is especially high this weekend. I mean, you’re a Scorpio, so when is it not? Anyway, chatty Mercury in your reputation zone means mouthing off to the wrong person could come back to bite you in the ass. Play nicey-nice with your boss and coworkers on Friday. Over the weekend, make sure you’re texting your shit-talking message to the right person. Ever send the message straight to the person you’re talking about because their name was on your mind? Yeah. Keep that from happening, plz.
Sagittarius
Thursday’s New Moon has put you on a new path. You’re starting to make decisions that are the best for you, but others might not understand. Be cautious explaining yourself to people who are never going to back you up in the way you need. Over the course of the weekend, ride-or-dies will emerge, and fake friends will reveal themselves.
Capricorn
Independence Day came and went, but you’re still obsessed with your freedom this summer. Anyone acting like a Stage 5 clinger will get the boot. Whether it’s a dude who wants to lock it down after five dates or a friend who wants to be invited to every single thing you do because she doesn’t have a life, you need to draw the line. Cut the bullshit and cut the cord this weekend.
Aquarius
Time to drop the perfectionist act. This weekend, let the chips fall where they may instead of trying to totally control everything into submission. Attempting to seem perfect, like you have it all together all the time, is exhausting and boring. Grab some frosé, let your hair down, and accept the hot, unevenly tanned mess you are this summer.
Pisces
Work on patience and forgiveness this weekend. Like when your boyfriend cheers for Croatia in the World Cup and then you suddenly remember he had a threesome during yacht week there—that’s the perfect time to practice your zen, forgiving Pisces spirit. The planets don’t align in a way that makes you good at explaining your feelings this weekend, so instead of ruining everyone else’s time being upset, just forgive and forget.
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