“Breast is best”—that popular phrase haunted me throughout my pregnancy. I knew before I became pregnant that breastfeeding was not best for me, but I didn’t think I had a choice. I feared I would resent my innocent newborn for their continued need of my body, or that I would resent my partner for not being able to do more because my body fed our child. I didn’t want to judge my body’s worth based on my milk supply. And I really didn’t want my boobs, that had already swollen from a DD to a G during pregnancy, to get any bigger.
As I discussed my anxiety about the impending need to breastfeed, a non-mom friend asked me why I didn’t just choose to not do it. I never thought that was an option. You had to at least try; society would think you were selfish otherwise. But, for the first time, I felt like not breastfeeding was a choice I could actually make. So now, my back hurt from carrying my newly G-sized pregnancy boobs and the weight of this decision.
I made the decision to not breastfeed, to not even try, around 34 weeks. I did my research and learned that many of the benefits of breastfeeding are overstated, so my baby would be fine breastfed or formula-fed. My partner fully supported me, but I was terrified of the world’s response. Would I instantly be categorized as a lazy mom? Would people think my vanity overrode my concern for my child’s health? If everyone thinks breast is best, was I the worst for not choosing it? So, I started slowly telling people, testing out my messaging.
I told friends without children who were like, “hell yeah, you go girl.” My sister, who has also carried the weight of big boobs, really understood my desire to get back to my pre-pregnancy bras. This part was easiest. I really just told them first for a confidence boost.
Next, I told a few mom and soon-to-be mom friends, all of whom supported me, even though all of them breastfed their kids. Do you see how it feels like it isn’t a choice to not breastfeed? I had no one to follow.
Then, I told the patron saint of informed motherhood: Expecting Better author, Emily Oster. And by told, I mean I asked her via her weekly Instagram Q&A if it was okay for me to choose to not breastfeed to protect my mental health. She answered my question with a simple yes. My baby would be fine and she appreciated the fact that I was considering my own mental health.
And, I told my mom, who had the best of intentions when she tried to convince me to try breastfeeding because she’d enjoyed it. She espoused the health benefits of breastfeeding for the baby. I countered with my own research: a chapter in Emily Oster’s other book, Crib Sheet. She brought up that it makes the weight “melt off.” But I knew I shouldn’t make this enormous life choice around my desire for my pre-pregnancy body to “bounce back”—even though I really wanted to bounce back. Spoiler alert: I didn’t, but neither do a lot of women who breastfeed. And she told me about how bonded it made her feel to her babies.
But by this point, I knew I wasn’t going back on my decision. I was prepared to bond slowly with my baby. The sudden feeling of love that so many mothers describe sounds magical, but I assumed it wasn’t for me. My love is more like a Kacey Musgraves song, a slow burn. In life’s most emotional moments, my initial anxieties usually overpower any other feeling.
Despite the mostly supportive responses, I was still too scared to tell my OBGYN for fear of her reaction, and I prepped diatribes for the nurses who might make comments at the hospital. But at the hospital, no one said a negative word. Nurses simply asked, “breastfeeding or formula?” And when I finally told my OBGYN, when my baby was two days old, she laughed at me, saying, “I just assumed you would breastfeed because you seemed so granola. But I wish you had told me earlier. I hated breastfeeding.” I was so scared of formula-shaming that I literally kept the knowledge from my doctor. In the fragile days right after giving birth, my doctor’s support filled me with hope. My first choice as a mom was doctor-approved.
In the end, I did it! I left the hospital with my baby, a bag of formula samples, and instructions from the lactation consultant on how to wean. And after two weeks of wearing an ace bandage around my boobs like Roberta in Now and Then, I had my DD boobs back for the first time since my first trimester. My anxiety over mom-shaming from friends, family, doctors, nurses, and the greater world burdened me for months, but in the end there was no shame. I learned a very valuable lesson early on in my new role as mom. Mom-shaming is real and it can hurt, but don’t let your fear of what might happen drive the decisions you make for yourself and your family.
If you thought I was scared of breastfeeding, you should’ve heard me talk about my fears of the first months of having a baby. But it turned out to be okay—great, even. Not breastfeeding meant my partner could feed the baby half of the time in the middle of the night. And while my hormones were raging, I bonded with my baby just fine. When I was not crying about crazy things like missing my cat—who was simply in the other room—I would cry about how much I loved my perfect, little, formula-fed baby.
So, other moms or future moms, please know you have a choice! I am always thrilled to hear from anyone who enjoyed pregnancy. May you and Kourtney Kardashian bond over the glow and power of your body. Kim and I will be lamenting about the pain and the swelling. Both are okay! And breastfeed, or formula feed, or find a combo that works best for you. And when you’re having bouts of inevitable mom guilt about this choice or any other one, think about the airplane oxygen mask instructions: secure your mask first before assisting others. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself. You cannot take care of someone else, if you are not taking care of yourself first.
When my friends started to get pregnant, even before being a mom myself, they’d ask me endless questions of what to buy or do. I noticed how scared they all were because they had no idea what to do with a human baby. I thought that with all my experience working in early childhood, I had something to offer: I wanted to empower moms to become their own experts. Having a background in psychology and education, I thought I could refine motherhood in a way that allowed moms to breathe and be confident that less is truly more. I could encourage children’s natural abilities through meaningful play right from the start in a way that wasn’t overwhelming.
That was all well and good, but even with my background, the truth was, I had no idea just how hard motherhood would be—that playing with your infant would be the last thing on your mind amidst healing, recovering, hormonal moods, breastfeeding, and well, just surviving. Two months into launching my blog, I gave birth and figured out that even with my experience, this motherhood thing—well, it’s hard AF and lonely. Moms need each other. So at eight weeks postpartum, I wrangled some new moms together, we dragged ourselves to meet, and I pretended I knew what I was doing by leading a moms group. Really, I just wanted to hang out with moms so I could feel more sane! Moms came to me for guidance on what to do with babies and I kept going, thriving off this community of moms supporting moms. Eventually, it turned into a physical space called Union Square Play. USP is not only a place for moms; it’s a space where young children come to feel a sense of “home away from home.”
Something that is very apparent both at USP (where we have now moved our entire brand online through moms groups, an app, and play materials) and on my blog is the importance of play in a child’s life. Children are born with a deep desire to explore and learn, and they do so by playing. When choosing the right toys, it comes down to providing opportunities for children to be engaged rather than entertained. I always say that busy toys = passive babies. Do we want them to sit and watch when they play or immerse themselves in learning and fun? I also think it’s important that the things children play with have no right or wrong use for them. That way, when toys can be anything, children can feel confident using them in ways that they come up with.
Here are my favorite play recommendations by age:
Babies On Their Back
By far the best first toy is a cloth bandana. Seems pretty lame, I know, but trust me on this one. The reason it’s so great for the youngest babies is that a baby who hasn’t discovered their hands yet can accidentally brush against this, maybe grab it, even before intentionally grasping it.
You can put it in a “peak” so that a baby on her back can see it by just turning her head. Through these types of head movements, gross motor development is encouraged because you’ll see your baby begin to notice what’s next to them and then begin to reach across their bodies and stretch. A bandana or cloth can also be strung through some play objects to prevent frustrating toys from rolling away from an immobile baby and also to allow them to bring a toy to them more easily by grabbing the bandana.
For Babies On The Move
RAID THE KITCHEN. (No, I don’t mean to satisfy our endless snacking cravings while working from home.) Your kitchen is FULL of ways to engage your kids. Trust me. One of the ones I found to be the most intriguing was this random cheese board. The reason I got this was because I actually needed a place for cheese with all the wine I was drinking in quarantine. Then one day I put it on the ground to set up some toys on it and noticed that it was light enough for Nell to move around and that she loved peeking under it too. She now even pushes it around as a walker! What’s so cool is that nothing else in their toy box looks like this or serves the same purpose.
Another great thing for babies who are sitting up is to make a Shaker Station to get the party started through noise-making. I used empty Altoids boxes and put in metal beaded chains for my daughters to shake. You can also use old spice jars or find metal utensils from your kitchen to get the beat going. I specifically love metal cupcake trays and metal condiment cups for music making too: Your baby will love knocking over the metal cups, watching them roll, and clanging them into an orchestra of sounds. A note: You may want to avoid any Zoom calls during this type of play because it can get noisy real quick.
Toddlers: Keys and Planters
Toddlers love seeing what “fits.” This experimenting is part of a schema for behavior called enveloping—you may see your toddler trying to fit themselves into every crevice possible. My daughter tried to fit into a shot glass, I kid you not. So by giving them an “invitation” to explore this behavioral urge, they’re not only exerting this urge, but they’re also learning about the properties of objects. (This is evident when you put out “suggested” activities like I did above by presenting the slitted planter and never-been-used keys—but a shoebox with cut slits and metal spoons from your kitchen can serve the same purpose).
3+: Post-Its and Washi Tape
Your kids will love getting into a sticky situation with these play materials. Post-its are awesome, not just because they can be used by moms to stick motivational mantras on their bathroom mirror, but also because toddlers can stick them anywhere and have a blast taking them off of surfaces too. You can use washi tape for the same purpose while also making paths on the floor to jump, tiptoe, hopscotch, ride toy cars on, or simply to box yourself into a corner of your home and declare it your “office space”. This tape (or painters tape, if you need a substitute) is the definition of multi-purposeful.
Beyond 3: Color Tablets
Use these tablets to amp up bath time by changing the bathwater different colors. My kids love dropping them into the bath and mixing the water with giant ladles. They make colored soup in the bath and love it. It’s non-toxic and does not dye the skin. You can also have your children play with color mixing by filling different glass cups or water bottles with water and having them drop tablets to see what color combinations make what colors.
I could literally write pages upon pages of different ideas by age, but my goal is to empower you to look around your home at what you already have and think creatively and resourcefully. I even model this for my 3-year-old. When I sense that she’s feeling bored (or just asking incessantly for snacks) I’ll say, “hmmmmm what do you think we can play with in this cabinet?” And we’ll pluck things from the kitchen and make up ways to use them. The other day, I kid you not, she made up her own version of beer pong with those metal condiment cups, and I could not have been more proud.
This is how we raise the future thinkers and innovators: we think and innovate.
Images: @sigmund / Unsplash; Jennie Monness (4); Michelle Rose Photo
If you’re pregnant, you’re likely familiar with the not-so-fun phenomenon that is unsolicited advice. Everyone wants to tell you what you need to pack in your hospital bag (I personally used nothing in my bag but my toothbrush), how to handle those first few sleepless weeks, and the items you absolutely need to buy before your baby is born.
As a minimalist who lives in a very small New York City apartment, I found that a lot of items people told me I absolutely needed were nice to have at best, and useless and space-sucking at worst. In order to save you space, money, and do the environment a little favor, here are the things you actually need to buy before your baby is born.
1. Newborn Onesies And Pajamas
While my daughter spent a lot of time in her diaper in those early days, newborn onesies and pajamas are essential for both walks and warmth at home. Look for pajamas with little mitten-like ends to the sleeves so they can cover the baby’s hands—most babies are born with very sharp nails, which they love to use to scratch themselves and you. Because their hands are so tiny at first, cutting their nails is scary, and this is a nice solution. Baby mittens do exist for this purpose, but I found my daughter just pulled them off. And when it comes to PJs, opt for zippers over snaps—they’re so much easier to deal with in the middle of the night. Here are some onesies to get you started.
Gerber Baby Organic Cotton Long Sleeve Onesies, $7.99
2. Diapers And Wipes
While you will get a few diapers at the hospital, newborns go through a lot of diapers. So whether you’re doing cloth or disposable diapers, make sure you have some waiting at home for you—a month’s supply is probably a good bet. And don’t forget wipes! My favorites are Water Wipes, which are made with 99.9% water and great for your baby’s sensitive skin.
WaterWipes Baby Wipes Original, $42.99
3. Adult Diapers And/Or Thick Pads
I wouldn’t suggest going totally crazy with this one, especially because if you end up having minimal tearing they may not be necessary. Just getting one pack of adult diapers and thick pads may be enough, and the hospital will send you home with some as well.
4. A Bassinet
While your baby will do a lot of their sleeping on you, they do need somewhere to safely sleep when it’s your turn to get some shut-eye. You don’t need to get a crib ahead of time, but a bassinet is crucial—we actually ended up having our daughter sleep in the bassinet that attached to her stroller in the first weeks, and it worked out just fine.
5. A Swaddle
While you can use receiving blankets for swaddles (see more on that below), I personally found the process of trying to learn how to swaddle while also recovering from childbirth and taking care of a newborn to be exhausting and impossible. These Sleepea 5-Second swaddles are incredibly easy to use, and keep your baby snug and cozy so they sleep better and longer.
Sleepea 5-Second Baby Swaddle, $27.95
6. Burp Cloths
Babies spit up a lot, and if you want to semi-spare your clothes, sheets, and furniture, it’s important to invest in a few burp cloths. These muslin cloths are my favorites!
Muslin Burp Cloths, $20.99
7. Receiving Blankets
As mentioned above, you can certainly use receiving blankets as swaddles, but I personally used them a lot to change my daughter’s diapers in those early days. I’m not knocking the changing table—I do have one—but I kept a receiving blanket in each room for when I had an emergency blowout situation on my hands, which was quite often. So while changing tables are nice to have, I’m not sure I’d call them a necessity when you have the inexpensive convenience of a receiving blanket to work with.
8. Baby Wash
Babies have super-soft, sensitive skin, which means that whatever body wash or soap you’re using for yourself won’t work for them. The Pipette Baby Shampoo + Wash worked great for my daughter’s skin. And while you can use a baby bathtub, I personally found the one I got to take up way too much space—it was much easier to bathe my daughter in the sink or hop in the tub with her.
Pipette Baby Shampoo + Wash, $12
9. A Carseat
If you want to leave the hospital, you’ll need a carseat. And hey, this is important to have anyway if you want to go anywhere that isn’t walking distance from your home—like the pediatrician, for example.
10. A White Noise Machine
I was skeptical of actually needing this until I realized what a difference it made in my daughter’s sleep. The womb is very loud, and it helps lull the baby to sleep. A white noise machine serves the same purpose. I’m a huge fan of this machine by Vanzon, but I’ve heard people like the Hatch Restore as well.
Vanzon by ONSON White Noise Machine, $35.99
11. A Breast Pump
Unless you’re very sure that you won’t breastfeed, it’s helpful to have a breast pump on hand. It’s hard to know exactly how latching will go in those initial days, and if you want to encourage your milk to come in and keep your supply up, it’s important to pump if your baby doesn’t quite get it at first. Or, if you’re like me and you’re struggling with breastfeeding and need a break, pumping can provide that. Most insurance companies will send you a free pump, so if you’re insured, this won’t cost you anything. Alternatively, if you don’t have plans to breastfeed, make sure to order about a month’s supply of formula.
Whether you’re formula feeding or breastfeeding, it’s nice to have the option of a bottle. I used these Philips Avent bottles quite a bit from day one to feed my daughter pumped milk so I could get a solid four-hour block of sleep while my husband stayed up with her—a true game-changer.
Philips Avent Natural Baby Bottles, $28.90
13. A Breastfeeding Pillow
The My Brest Friend breastfeeding pillow is possibly the reason I was able to stick with breastfeeding at all. It was the perfect shelf for my daughter when she was so small, and made it so that I didn’t have to hunch toward her at every feed. While this isn’t a necessity if you don’t plan to breastfeed, it can still be a nice spot to place your infant when they’re drinking a bottle or when you want to let them sleep on you.
My Brest Friend Original Nursing Pillow, $34.95
14. Nipple Butter
Nipple butter isn’t a necessity if you’re not breastfeeding, but your nipples get so, so sore at the beginning—and nipple butter helps a lot. Once the soreness eased up, I simply used my nipple butter as lip balm. This one from Earth Mama Organics is my favorite!
Earth Mama Organics, $12.99
15. Something To Carry Your Baby In
Whether it’s a stroller or you like the idea of “wearing” your baby, you’ll need something to safely transport them in so you’re not totally housebound. And trust me, sanity walks are very necessary for mental health at the beginning. I used the Ergo Baby, which is incredibly comfortable once you get the hang of it.
Ergobaby Carrier Omni 360, $179
Image: Lucy Wolski / Unsplash
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