Welp. Here we are. The day before Taylor Swift’s
over hyped new album will drop. Here’s what we know already: The album will be 15 tracks, with the first track being “…Ready For It?” and the sixth track being “LWYMMD”, presumably because 6 is the devil’s number. (I don’t actually know that is why it is the first track. That is just conjecture. Please do not sue me, Taylor. I know you’re reading this.) The Target edition of the album (lol) also comes with two 72 page magazines full of “poetry, watercolors, paintings, handwritten lyrics, and fashion photography.” So basically, a very sad handwritten book.
So that’s what we know, but there are still many questions. What fresh hell will this new album bring? Who will be roasted? (Everyone.) And who will be spared? (Taylor.) Only time will tell. But knowing Taylor—well, the old Taylor
who is kinda also the new Taylor—there are definitely a few things we know we can expect from the #1 album to ever be featured on the side of a UPS truck.
1. There Will Be Snake References
Well, this one is obvious. Taylor is pretty clearly still pissed about the whole “people calling her a snake” thing and has spent all year trying to “take back” the snake. Question: How long does a person have to try to take something back, before it turns around and takes back her take back? Taylor appears to be trapped in a ouroboros (look it up) of snake-related take backs, with no end in sight, so obviously there will be more snake references. TBH, I wouldn’t be surprised if one of the tracks was called “Hiss Hiss”, and was literally just audio of her hissing for 15 minutes. I also wouldn’t be surprised if it hit #1 on the Billboard charts for 10 weeks in a row. It’s still Taylor Swift, after all.
2. Songs About Hiddleston, Calvin Harris, And Joe Alwyn
Again, this is fairly obvious. Swift’s last masterpiece, 1989, came out before any of these relationships occurred, meaning that they are all due for a thorough roasting. Considering how dramatic the Calvin Harris breakup was, and considering his penchant for talking shit about her in the media, I think it’s fair to say that he’ll be one of the main targets of New Taylor’s wrath. Many are already speculating that “Gorgeous” is about her
fake relationship with Hiddleston, whereas Joe may or may not make the cut, depending on how long they’ve been together, when she actually finished the album, and how much she secretly hates him.
3. The Old Taylor Is Actually Still Very Much Alive
Maybe this makes me a conspiracy theorist, but something about the New Taylor’s behavior seems suspiciously similar to the Old Taylor. Personally, I believe that the Old Taylor is really alive, living on an island with Tupac and Aaliyah, waiting for the right time to return to the U.S. as a hologram. Think about it. What I’m trying to say is, Taylor Swift is absolutely back on her bullshit, and this album will probably just be all the same shit we’ve seen from her in the past, with a slightly darker beat and a fuckton of eyeliner.
4. She Will Rap In Some Capacity
Taylor Swift has been
badly dancing around the idea of actually rapping for years. She’s done what all white pop stars who want to rap do and talk-sung her way through several tracks in the past (“Shake It Off”, “We Are Never Getting Back Together”, etc…) but she has never fully attempted rapping. I’m sorry to say, that I think this album will be the album where that happens, at which point a portal to hell will open up in the middle of TriBeca, and we will all surely be damned.
5. Maybe A Drake Collab?
Around this time last year, everybody was talking about
how the fuck Donald Trump became president the fact that Taylor Swift and Drake were hanging out. Were they dating? Were they friends? Were they PROFESSIONAL COLLABORATORS? Many Swifties (also known as “the criminally insane”) are predicting the Swift-Drake collab that only nightmares dreams are made of.
6. More Obvious References To Kim And Kanye
Say it loud for the people in the back: Taylor is still very pissed about the Kim/Kanye thing. And what does a pissed off Taylor Swift do? Write songs. That’s songs plural, meaning that the references to the feud in “LWYMMD” are only the tip of the iceberg. We’ll know when she’s talking about them because it’ll be the first time in history she’s ever mentioned brown eyes in a song.
As we all know, Taylor Swift likes to dabble in some
white light feminism, when the mood suits her. And by “feminism” we of course mean, “having friends who are models and also Lena Dunham,” because that’s usually as far as Taylor likes do go down the feminist rabbit hole. Move over, Gloria Steinem, there’s a new skank icon in town. Now obviously, Taylor isn’t going to release a feminist ballad or anything like that—she has to appeal to her base, who may or may not be white supremacists—but maybe she’ll like, release her own brand of Diva Cups or something?
8. Trump-Style Digs At The Media
If I said to name a very famous person who hates the media and should have better things to do, but instead spends their days responding to petty grievances on Twitter with legal threats, who would come to mind? If you said Donald Trump, you would be correct. If you said Taylor Swift, you would also be correct. See the connection? Considering the fact that this entire album is built around media slander (the album cover is literally clips of the media roasting her and I feel personally victimized that none of my articles made the cut), I feel like we know of at least one very powerful person who will be listening to it on the reg. And no, I’m not talking about Selena Gomez.
9. It Will Go Platinum
I mean, it’s Taylor Swift. She could release literally anything and it would go platinum. Also—and to pause my intense hating for a sec—Taylor Swift is like, good at music. The girl has yet to put out an album sans jams, so I highly doubt this one won’t have at least three tunes that will get stuck your head for all of time. I mean, even “LWYMMD” was catchy. And “Gorgeous” is a certified bop. If there’s one thing to be said about Taylor, it’s that she’s not fucking around.
10. She’ll Take The Opportunity To Apologize For Her Bullshit
Lol JK. If
lawsuits her fans are Taylor’s first love, not taking responsibility for actions is definitely her second.