There’s no better thrill in this world than when Netflix drops a brand new series. These days, I’d say that feeling is second only to pretending my computer’s video function is broken during a Zoom meeting so I don’t have to show my coworkers what a disgusting piece of sh*t I’ve actually become during the pandemic. Which is why I was over the moon when I learned that over the weekend Netflix had dropped their newest dumpster fire of a reality TV show: Too Hot To Handle. For those of you who haven’t heard of this show, I urge you to drop the banana bread you were thinking about making and instead dedicate the next 8-10 hours of your life watching human evolution happen in reverse. 

The premise of the show is this: 10 hot people from all over the world have been selected to be secluded on a remote beach retreat. They think they’re there to drink-bottom shelf liquor and see how much sand their gynos will have to scrape out of their cervixes after this. Not so! Instead these emotionally stunted circus animals, who have no concept of genuine human connection, have been thrust into this retreat and DENIED SEXUAL CONTACT OF ANY KIND in order to learn it. The phrase “emotional growth” is thrown around no less than 100 times throughout the entirety of the season, which made me think: did any of the contestants actually grow as people? With that in mind, I’ve decided to rank the contestants’ emotional growth on a scale of 1-10, with one being a basic human being allowed to mingle with the rest of society, and ten being someone who remains a dancing monkey. 

*Note: Since we initially only wrote our season predictions for the original 10 cast members, those are the people we’ll be ranking now AND I DON’T WANT TO HEAR BOO ABOUT, MMKAY?

10. Haley

I will go to my grave defending this thesis, but here it is: Haley is not a human being. I won’t believe it. I have seen kitchen appliances show more human emotion that this sorority girl from Florida. So it’s not hard to fathom how Haley earned her last place status. In fact, Haley didn’t even make it half way through the season before getting the boot from the animatronic lamp named Lana. I’m sure that will be fun for her to explain to her potential employer. I’d say never change, Haley, but we both know your programming makes you incapable of that! 

9. Francesca

Francesca is a modern-day enchantress, and watching her systematically bring financial ruin upon her roommates one over-the-clothes handjob at a time was absolutely riveting to watch. Even though 80% of her identifying features are made up of silicone, she was one of the more attractive girls this season, and the men went into an absolute FRENZY upon her arrival at the retreat. She ended up hitting it off with Aussie Harry and they were one out of the two couples to be established during the show. When she wasn’t hypnotizing him with her tits, she was manipulating the f*ck out of anything else with a penis. Francesca gets second to last place because even though she left the retreat with a boyfriend, I’m pretty sure the only thing she learned throughout this entire experience is how much she should actually be charging for her sexual acts. I can’t wait to see what you do in the future, Fran!

8. Kelz

I know I’m going to catch sh*t for this one in the comments BUT COME FOR ME TROLLS because I stand by this decision. Kelz, while the most beautiful person on this show and the source of all comedic relief, also only cared about one thing: getting his goddamn money. He seemed to be far too familiar with how much a blowjob should cost and spent the majority of his time pulling out his hair and screaming “hands!!” any time Francesca and Harry so much as breathed in each other’s directions. The one and only time he tried to pursue a romantic connection with Francesca, all he talked about was winning the money. Then he turned down a soapy handjob, NOT because he wanted to wait and see if they connected on a deeper level first, but because it wouldn’t fit in their budget. Kelz, you’re a money-grubbing whore, but I love you buddy!

7. Matthew

Matthew started out the show by claiming he couldn’t date anyone long-term because he doesn’t believe in marriage, even when “long-term” was later defined as “like, four weeks.” With this sad, romantic rock bottom in mind, you would think the only place he could go is up, but after several weeks on the show his idea of having a meaningful conversation was talking dirty to a robot cone named Lana. The single men of America, ladies! Matthew left the show early because none of the girls would bang him it was time for him to move on. But don’t worry, ladies! He says he will be taking what he learned from the retreat and applying it to his future relationships, which I’m sure means he’d be willing to commit to five weeks with one lucky lady instead of four. We’re not worthy!!

6. Harry

On night one, Harry declared that he was below average in every sense of the word, which is why he does so well with women—and that was the lightbulb moment my therapist has been hoping I’d have for years. At first, I couldn’t put my finger on what made him so attractive to me. Why did I so badly want a 6’5″ man-child rocking a modernized bowl cut to call me his naughty little possum?? Who knew that average attainability could be so attractive? I’m ranking Harry in sixth place because even though by the end of the show he was a reformed f*ckboy ready to move across the world to be closer to Francesca, he was sort of manipulated into doing it. I’m pretty sure if a less hot girl asked him to be monogamous, he would have been gone faster than the 20K he spent in the private suite with Francesca. 

5. Nicole

Nicole had zero hookups, love interests, or quotable lines during her time on the show. In fact, sometimes when she wore her hair curly, I thought a new contestant had shown up on the beach altogether. I was inclined to give Nicole the benefit of the doubt regarding her growth since I can hardly pick her face out of a crowd, let alone recall significant details about her personal life. Then I remembered the one challenge where they painted themselves with the  negative comments people have said about them, and the most insulting thing she could come up with was “skinny.” What other horrors do people say about you, Nicole? That you’ve got a face for modeling?

4. Rhonda

I struggled with where to put Rhonda on here but, in the end, 4th place felt right. While she did show tremendous personal growth on the show, I’m not convinced that she wasn’t a decent human being to begin with. She seemed to have a good head on her shoulders and only pursued romantic connections with the least douchey men on the island. Congratulations, Rhonda, you aren’t trash!

3. Chloe

I think this will be a controversial pick as well, but there’s something about Chloe that has me rooting for her. Though she has the emotional density of a plastic grocery bag, I was actually impressed with her when she cut things off with David after realizing that their connection was only physical, and when she called Francesca out for her two-faced behavior. Plus, she never cost the group more than $12k so that makes her a winner in my book. 

2. Sharron

This is a man whose opening line on the show was “I’m most proud of my penis” and by the end of the retreat, he was in a committed relationship—without having sex!—and FaceTiming his girlfriend’s kid because it was important to her. If I had a heart, it would have started beating again for this sh*t. 

1. David

And last but not least, we have British David ranking in at number one for the biggest emotional transformation. When David first graced my television screen, he looked like the type of person who would have spent this pandemic building a bunker out of bulk orders of protein powder and dumbbells. Little did I know that David was a human cinnamon roll hiding in a CrossFit acolyte’s skin suit! When David decided to quit pursuing his romantic connection with Rhonda—a woman who brought him to tears just staring into her soul!!—because he valued his friendship with Sharron too much, I may have actually cried. Though he didn’t end up with anyone by the end of the show, he was constantly lifting his cast mates up and just genuinely being the cutest human on planet earth. David: CALL ME! 

And there you have it! The definitive ranking of emotional growth from the Too Hot To Handle cast. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’ll just be sliding into David’s DMs and asking him if he’d like to be my naughty little possum. Ttyl!

Images: Aline Arruda, Ana Cristina Blumenkron/Netflix; Courtesy of Netflix (8)

The only exciting part of March is the hope for a warm day and your potential drinking plans for St. Patrick’s Day (even though you aren’t even Irish). It’s kinda easy to hate March—it’s really just a filler month. Like, it’s not exactly spring yet, but everyone is so over winter (as if we were we ever into it). Sure, there’s March Madness, but that doesn’t even start until mid-March, and anyway, we know you’ll forget to check your bracket like, the day after you fill it out, and you only chose UCLA to win because you hooked up with a guy who went there one time. 

But here’s something we can truly celebrate this March: binging all the new shows and movies on Netflix. From classic rom-coms to new seasons of our faves, there’s a lot in store for us this month on Netflix. Grab your weighted blanket, a bottle of wine, and your bag of SkinnyPop, and get ready to spend countless hours on your living room couch.

‘He’s Just Not That Into You’

Every woman is aware of the basic concept that if a man is not showing interest in you, he really, genuinely, does not have any interest in you. Seems easy in theory, but in practice, we’ve all been through the mental gymnastics that is trying to convince ourselves otherwise. I blame this disconnect on society and movies like this one, that claim to present a realistic take on how relationships actually work, when in reality, they just feed us more of the same bullsh*t like “you’re the exception, not the rule”. But whatever, still a good movie to watch on your couch with a bottle of red.

‘Life As We Know It’

This romantic comedy is the perfect lighthearted movie to watch while texting, even though the premise is slightly grim. Basically, rom-com royalty Katherine Heigl (Holly) and Josh Dumahel (Messer) are set up on a blind date by their married friends (which goes horribly). However, when their friends die in a car accident, Messer and Holly are named the guardians of their toddler and have to co-parent. Even though Messer is the stereotypical frat boy you hooked up with once in the Sig Chi basement and you wonder why he never calls, he ends up being Prince Charming, and we forget the douchey side of him even existed. Spoiler Alert: This doesn’t happen in real life. 

‘Sleepover’

No slumber party of any kind can ever live up to this. Four best friends on a scavenger hunt, which involves stealing a guy’s underwear, breaking into nightclubs, and—perhaps the most radical one of all, considering the girls in this movie are supposed to be in EIGHTH GRADE—hijacking one of their dads’ cars to finish all their tasks. All to secure the ever-coveted lunchroom spot next to the water fountain once they reach high school. Anyone who’s seen this movie can try and try, but your slumber “party” will always end up being you and a friend eating way too many chocolate chip cookies, crying to a rom-com, and passing out by 11pm. If you manage to replicate this movie in real life, please give me a call.

‘The Shawshank Redemption’

Without giving away too much, The Shawshank Redemption is about banker Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins), who was sentenced to life in prison after being wrongfully convicted for the murder of his wife and her lover. While in prison, he befriends Red (Morgan Freeman), who teaches him about life and prison. Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins? Like are you kidding me? It cannot get better. If you haven’t seen it, make sure you have nothing planned besides the movie for the day. You will need 24 hours to absorb it all. 

‘Valentine’s Day’

This is one of those movies that follows like a million different storylines, and they’re all sort of connected at the end and your mind is blown. Valentine’s Day compiles the stories of a bunch of different couples and how they celebrate the day, from planning a proposal to planning to lose their virginity to planning an “I Hate Valentine’s Day” party. Mark me as attending for that one. Okay, so I love this movie, mostly because every beautiful person at the end of the 2000s is in it, and also Taylor Swift for some reason.

‘The Interview’

Anything directed by Seth Rogen is bound to be hysterical, so you def won’t be disappointed watching this. The Interview is about two guys who run a celebrity tabloid show—and the show’s biggest fan is North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un. The CIA hears of their plans to travel to North Korea to interview him, and recruits the two to assassinate him instead. Remember when real-life Kim Jong-Un was pissed about this movie? Lol, good times.

‘Ghosts of Girlfriends Past’

Serial womanizer Connor Mead (Matthew McConaughey) attends his brother’s wedding and basically convinces his brother not to get married.  But after he is visited by his dead uncle, who tells him that he is wrong about women and relationships, Connor has a transformation and has to save the wedding. Not before he is haunted by all his ex-girlfriends, who come to teach him a lesson, of course. Wow, that’s literally like my dream. *Presses play*

‘Ugly Delicious’: Season 2

Chef David Chang (who runs the Momofuku restaurants) travels around the world tasting the best, but maybe not best-looking, food from different cultures and explores how it evolves. Think cooking show-meets-history-meets-mouthwatering meals. Chang usually brings some celebrities along with him, and season 2 features some of my faves, Nick Kroll and Padma Lakshmi. Make sure you have your delivery ready before diving in. 

‘On My Block’: Season 3

It might be just another show navigating the horrors of high school, but On My Block is one of our faves for its diverse cast and its ability to make us laugh and cry in the same episode. And it’s back for season 3. If you’re into teen drama and danger, get started catching up before starting season 3. If you’ve already binged, then I know you’re just as excited as I am to find out who kidnapped Jamal, Ruby, Cesar, and Monse in the literal last second of season 2. I have been on the edge of my seat for an entire year.

‘Elite’: Season 3

Guess what? Another teen drama series. Elite is like the Gossip Girl of Madrid, Spain, and it is just as scandalous and unbelievable. High schoolers wear cute uniforms and designer dresses to parties and clubs, which they attend on weekdays like it’s NBD. There’s a murder. A pregnancy scandal. Drug dealers. Steamy hookups. Elite has it all. If you want to brush up on your high school Spanish, this is the one for you (and you will learn all the slang, too). Even if you don’t know Spanish, there are subtitles, and I promise you will be obsessed.

‘Greenhouse Academy’: Season 4

After their mother dies in an astronaut accident (as one does), siblings Alex and Hayley Woods enroll at a private boarding school for gifted future leaders. The siblings become rivals when they join two competing houses at the school, which gives me major Harry Potter vibes. However, when they discover a plot to destroy the world, the two houses have to work together. Let’s not forget that these heroes still have to deal with the trials and tribulations of high school. What could go wrong?

‘Ozark’: Season 3

Jason Bateman (Martin “Marty” Byrde) stars in this crime series, which begins when Marty has to move his family from the suburbs in Chicago to the Ozarks in Missouri in order to grow his money-laundering scheme, but soon gets involved with local crime groups there. Ok, yes please. This is everything you’re looking for in a suspenseful show. The show is fiction, but I know all you true crime fans will be all for this. I’m sure the third season will include just as many deaths and shady characters as the first two, and I’m already binging.

‘Self-Made: Inspired by the Life of Madam C.J. Walker’ 

This new series is about to be epic. Self-Made is based on the novel On Her Own Ground, by A’Lelia Bundles, and tells the story of Madam C. J. Walker. She rose from poverty to become the first American woman to be a self-made millionaire by creating specialized hair products for African American hair care. This is the perfect watch during Women’s History Month, and I can’t wait to watch Octavia Spencer kill this role. 

Now, here comes the sad part. Here are the movies and shows leaving Netflix this month: The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers , P.S. I Love You ,The Dark Knight, New York Minute, Hairspray, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, Charlie’s Angels, A Wrinkle in Time, Eat Pray Love, Men in Black, Men in Black 2, and Black Panther (which is now on Disney+). Sad!

Images: GIPHY (12); Tumblr (1)

Hellooooo 2020. Not only are we celebrating this new decade, but Netflix is too. This decade flew by. I mean, don’t you remember good old 2010? I was wearing braces and watching Hannah Montana every night and worrying about what I would be wearing for #BatMitzvahSzn, what were you doing? Though I still watch Hannah Montana on Disney+ today, Netflix has brought in the new decade with some new (and old) amazing shows and movies. Since we’re all going to be deathly hungover and not moving from our beds on New Year’s Day, I thought I’d round up what’s going to be new on Netflix in January. Forget about those resolutions, grab some SkinnyPop and let’s get started.

‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’

Bueller?… Bueller?… Bueller? You’ve probably seen this movie a million times at sleepaway camp and can quote every line, making it great background noise while you scroll through Instagram.

‘A Cinderella Story’

Can we just talk about how Hilary Duff (Sam Montgomery) wore a wedding dress to her High School Halloween party? Like um, what? And also how her entire identity is obscured just by covering the skin around her eyes? Plot holes aside, this movie is a classic and Hilary Duff deserves the world.

‘Monster-in-Law’

J.Lo stars in this feel-good funny movie to watch on a boring day. If you have ever met, dated, or even married a “Mama’s Boy,” you can totally relate to their horrible challenging mothers.

‘New York Minute’

2004 Mary-Kate and Ashley star as two teenage girls who find themselves dealing with many problems while adventuring through Manhattan on a school day. Which sounds like every other Mary-Kate and Ashley movie, just with the city switched out, and that’s because it is. My favorite part is Eugene Levy (Max Lomax), the school’s obsessive truant officer, following their every footstep to try and catch them.

‘Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory’ and ‘Charlie And The Chocolate Factory’

The classic Gene Wilder and new(ish) Johnny Depp films will both be available for you to watch in January while you binge eat chocolate. Not gonna lie, swimming in a pool of chocolate like Augustus Gloop did is still a dream of mine… if I drown, so be it.

‘Big Fat Liar’

Throwback to when Amanda Bynes was doing well and Frankie Muniz was relevant. Ah, the good old days. Big Fat Liar is such a classic. When Jason Shepherd’s (Frankie Muniz) class paper gets stolen by Hollywood producer Marty Wolf (Paul Giamatti) to turn into a movie, he travels to LA with his best friend Kaylee (Amanda Bynes), and tries to break into show business—literally.

‘Mamma Mia’

Need I say more? Well, I will. Meryl Streep and Amanda Seyfried are on Netflix in one of our favorite movies to sing along with. Enjoy these songs being stuck in your head for days…

‘The Post’

Netflix can’t get enough of Meryl Streep, obviously. But seriously, this movie is fantastic and depicts the true story of efforts made by The Washington Post journalists to publish the Pentagon Papers. Learn your history, betches.

‘Inception’

I’ve seen Inception. You’ve seen Inception. Every guy who thinks he’s deep has seen Inception and claims it’s his favorite movie. Still, it’s got Leo DiCaprio and Joseph Gordon Levitt, so I don’t know what else you really need. Plus you can get high and debate if it really was ~all a dream~

‘Spinning Out’: Netflix Original Series

This new series is about Kat Baker, a competitive figure skater who dreams about making it to the Olympics. After she takes a disastrous fall, she is taken out of the competition and her dream. But then, a boy appears (as always) and helps Kat continue her career in skating as a duo. Together, they face challenges, injuries, and some emotional breakdowns. Get your tissues prepared.

‘Grace and Frankie’: Season 6 

After a long wait, one of our favorite pairs are back on Netflix with a new season. There isn’t too much info on what’s going to happen in this season just yet, but we do know that Grace’s marriage to Nick at the end of last season will def carry some tension in the episodes to come.

‘The Ranch’: Final Season

So, I am in love with Ashton Kutcher and that is the main reason I have watched this show, NGL. The show is about Colt Bennett (Kutcher) who returns home to his family’s ranch in Colorado after a failed semi-pro football career to run the family ranching. business. And no, human trash bag Danny Masterson isn’t in the final episodes, so you don’t have to worry about supporting him.

‘Next in Fashion’

Hosted by Queer Eye’s Tan France and fashion it-girl Alexa Chung, this new fashion design competition is about to be epic. Over 10 episodes, 18 designers compete in rounds based on design trends and styles that influence what people wear worldwide. Can I say make it work??

‘AJ and the Queen’: Season 1

This is the first original comedy series by world-famous drag queen RuPaul. In the series, Ruby Red, a penniless drag queen, travels across America to hit different clubs while developing an unlikely sidekick named AJ—an 11-year old orphan. This new series is expected to have a lot of glitz and glam, so be excited.

‘Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’: Part 3 

This series is the much darker and edgier reboot of Sabrina the Teenage Witch from our childhood. It follows the magical story of secret witch Sabrina Spellman (Kiernan Shipka). The new season will be thrilling, as Sabrina recovers from defeating her father Lucifer. Damn, and you thought your dad was evil because he cut you off from his credit card…

‘Good Girls’: Season 2

This crime-comedy series is about three suburban moms who enter a life of crime after robbing a grocery store. It’s a great show that stars Christina Hendricks, Mae Whitman, and Retta (Donna Meagle from Parks and Rec). Think Breaking Bad, but female and funny.

Usually, this would be the point where I would say, “It’s fine that some shows and movies are leaving because others will take their place!” but I can’t say that this month. I’m sad. Super sad. Friends will be leaving Netflix, and I can honestly say that I’m hurt and might not be okay. No one told me life was gonna be this way. Movies leaving Netflix this month are: Grease, Becoming Jane, Something’s Gotta Give, Good Luck Chuck, Zombieland, and Revolutionary Road. At least I can binge away my sorrows with all the new stuff, but it won’t be the same.

Images: @charlesdeluvio / Unsplash; GIPHY (16)

December. What a beautiful month. Though the cold weather is not my favorite, December still has a lot to offer. These quick 31 days are filled with ugly sweaters, dreidels, Mariah Carey’s soul-filled voice, office holiday parties, latkes, and lots and lots of presents (hopefully). Oh, and a bunch of new movies and TV shows to binge and cuddle up to during the dreadfully cold days. Grab your newly cuffed bae and let’s get started. Here’s all the best stuff coming to a Netflix device near you this December.

‘6 Underground’

Ryan Reynolds stars in this action-packed Netflix original movie about six people from all around the world who fake their deaths in order to take down well-known criminals…obviously, as one does. This sounds interesting to me for multiple reasons—the top being that Ryan Reynolds may be my favorite male actor to watch. He. Is. Beautiful. F*ck wait… Dave Franco will also be featured. I will be confused with which man to watch but I guess that’s a pretty good issue to have *wink wink*.  This movie sounds crazy, in the best way.

‘Burlesque’

Yeahhhhh you heard that right! Christina Aguilera and Cher make their way back to our computer screens in this 2010 cult classic. I know you all still sing “Show Me How You Burlesque” in the shower and maybe even try to dance to it. Okay so that’s just me, you caught me. But seriously, I’m so excited to rewatch this movie.

‘A Cinderella Story: Christmas Wish’

Soooo, Gregg Sulkin is the romantic interest in this cheesy film, and I am so for it. I hope you all know who Gregg is, but if not, let me remind you. 2010. Wizards of Waverly Place. Mason, the Werewolf. Ok, he was also on Pretty Little Liars, but who’s counting. Anyway, this movie is a classic Cinderella tale, which we all pretend we’re over with, but really aren’t.

The ‘Austin Powers’ Trilogy

Get ready for all three Austin Powers movies to make their Netflix debut. Produced, written by, and starring Mike Myers as both Powers and Dr. Evil, Austin Powers is the perfect family movie night comedy to watch when home for the holidays.

‘A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby’

The threequel to the 2017 film A Christmas Prince and the 2018 film The Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding, you guessed it—this one involves a baby! If you haven’t seen the other films in this trilogy, I would suggest doing so before this one. Basically, they’re complete classics, and I’m just confused why these movies aren’t winning all the Oscars.

‘Marriage Story’

 Scarlett Johansson and Adam Driver star in this film about a stage director and his actor wife who struggle through a coast-to-coast divorce that pushes them to their extremes. The story is personal, captivating, and has connections to any family. This is definitely a great movie to watch during the winter season, and it’s already getting major Oscar buzz.

‘Soundtrack’ – Season 1

This new series is about music that connects the lives of random people throughout Los Angeles. This new High School Musical-esque show is coming to Netflix, and I couldn’t be more excited to watch while avoiding all my responsibilities. I have been waiting for the day to love a show as much as 10-year-old me loved High School Musical and this is finally it (I hope).

‘YOU’ – Season 2

Warning: Spoiler Alert

After the dramatic events of last season that saw Joe Goldberg (played by Penn Badgley—or Gossip Girl, as I still like to call him) murder his obsession Guinevere Beck, fans were left on a huge cliffhanger. In season 2, Joe has already moved on from Beck and has his eyes set on a brand-new victim. This thrilling series will have you at the edge of your seats…not gonna lie, way too scary for me. So, you all enjoy it and have fun with your nightmares! I’ll be sleeping like a baby, don’t mind me.

‘Fuller House’ – Season 5

Unlike the original show, Fuller House is centered around the next generation of Tanneritos: D.J., Stephanie, and D.J.’s quirky best friend, Kimmy Gibbler. Unfortunately, still no Olsen twins, which is pretty upsetting. But Fuller House‘s fifth and final season will welcome back several beloved Full House characters, including Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, and John Stamos. It doesn’t look like Aunt Becky (Lori Loughlin), will be coming back due to her, um, legal situation, but I’m excited for the other characters to make their appearances. After this season, the Full House journey is officially coming to a close. Enjoy the Tanners while you can!

‘Glow Up’ – Season 1

This show is for you makeup lovers out there! On this new show, aspiring makeup artists battle to be named Britain’s next makeup star. According to Netflix, “they navigate colorful challenges to win a career-making opportunity in the beauty industry”. This intense competition will reveal the amazing things makeup can do and its ability to transform you, and probably has some amazing British accents to make it even better.

I hope you’re as excited about these movies and shows as I am. I am very ready for some new stuff in my Netflix queue, and I’m assuming the same goes for you. But when one door opens, another one closes, and there are a bunch of great movies and shows leaving Netflix this month too, including: Daddy Day Care, all the Rocky movies, The Pink Panther, Wet Hot American Summer, Billy Elliot, Frasier, About A Boy, Christmas with the Kranks, Get Santa, Leap Year, Mona Lisa Smile, and Schindler’s List. Sad! Binge these babies before time is up! Starting…now. Good luck!

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (10)

Ah, November. The sweet time of the year when everyone is either still hungover and reliving their glory from Halloween (your costume wasn’t even that great, chill), or already setting up their Christmas tree and writing their Hanukkah wish list. There. Is. No. In. Between. Despite the fact that Thanksgiving is around the corner, nobody really seems to care about #turkeyszn. But, fear not! I’m here to make the irrelevant month of November more relevant again. Here are some new shows and movies coming to Netflix in November that you can get excited about.

 ‘Grease’

It’s finally here! You may have seen my recent article on a new Grease series that is yet to come, but honestly, what can ever compare with the original? Grease is the ultimate classic you can enjoy with bae, your mom, your friend, or alone. Get your pink jackets, poodle skirts, and singing voices ready, ladies!

‘Step Brothers’

Netflix, did we just become best friends? Thank you for bringing us the joy of watching Brennan and Dale’s rivalry and brotherhood blossom and the laughs that is Step Brothers. Having a bad day? Need a pick-me-up?  This is the perfect comedy to turn on and cry of laughter to. I love you, Will Ferrell.

‘A Bad Moms Christmas’

Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell, and Kathryn Hahn. An amazing trio, I must say. A Bad Moms Christmas is the perfect feel-good and hilarious holiday movie about three overworked moms who rebel against the expectations of motherhood during Christmas time. If you’re already prepared to sit on Santa’s lap this week, this is the movie for you. Let’s get in the holiday spirit! P.S. Kristin Bell is me during the holidays.

‘A Holiday Engagement’

Bonnie Somerville stars in this this holiday rom-com about a woman named Hilary Burns who constantly feels pressure from her mother to marry (same, girl), and when her new fiancé suddenly breaks up with her, she scrambles to find a replacement. So, she hires an actor to pose as her fiancé in front of her family, as ya do. Honestly, the only reason I even know Bonnie Somerville is from her role as Mona on Friends, but this movie is a pretty fun storyline to follow. Oh also, Hilary Duff’s sister, Haylie, stars as the snobby sister, so that in and of itself should be your reason to watch.

‘Queer Eye’: We’re In Japan!

The wait is finally over. It’s been a long three months without JVN on our Netflix screens, but the Fab Five are back and truly better than ever. They are abroad in Japan to help four Japanese men and women find confidence in themselves. Unfortunately, the season is only four episodes long, so pace yourselves accordingly.

‘The Crown’, Season 3

The Netflix series—which won the 2017 Golden Globe for Best Drama and a handful of Emmys, is back with season 3 spanning from 1964 to 1977. Yeah, 13 years of history is a lot to get through. The show follows the reign of Queen Elizabeth II and the ups and downs of the royal family. What’s interesting about the show is that the actors change every two seasons. For this season, actress Olivia Colman will take over as Queen Elizabeth, Tobias Menzies as Prince Philip, and Helena Bonham Carter as Princess Margaret.

‘The Great British Baking Show: Holidays’, Season 2

Dig out your ugly Christmas sweater because The Great British Baking Show is back for Season 2 for the ho-ho-holidays. This holiday extravaganza will see competitors from past seasons of the show reunite under the tent. Paul Hollywood and Prue Leith are back judging this season, and the fans are going wild. We’re in for a treat, literally.

‘Atypical’, Season 3

This Netflix drama follows Sam Gardner, an 18-year-old who’s on the autism spectrum, who decides it’s time to find love. His journey sets his mom and family on their own path as Sam seeks independence. In the new season, Sam starts his first year of college and is faced with the challenge of figuring out what success means for him. The show is a great presentation of life in a family, specifically with a special needs child. If you haven’t seen the show yet, I definitely recommend trying it out.

Unfortunately, when one door opens, one must close *sobs*. While we are so excited about what’s to come this month, we also have to face what we are leaving behind. Here are the movies leaving Netflix this month: Caddyshack and Caddyshack 2, Chasing Liberty, Groundhog Day, Sex and the City: The Movie, The House Bunny, Mamma Mia!, and Coco. Enjoy them while you can!

Images: Becca Tapert / Unsplash; Giphy (8)

Halloween is almost here, and I say this with all the enthusiasm of someone who will be spending the holiday double fisting Kit-Kats and red wine. Look, I know technically Halloween falls on a Thursday this year, so it is socially acceptable to black out like you would on any other thirsty Thursday, but by god I just can’t do it. In fact, the only celebrating I intend to do is with my dog as we sit on the couch and re-watch our favorite Halloween episodes to ever air on TV whilst dressed in costume as Dobby the house elf and his prized sock (I’ll let you figure out who is who in that scenario). So, for those of you who are looking to go all out on the couch this year, here are the best TV shows to watch to get you in the Halloween spirit (without really being in the Halloween spirit). 

Friends: “The One With The Halloween Party” (Season 8, Episode 6)

Tbh I was never a huge fan of Friends. I know, I know. Let’s tie me to the stake now because apparently that is an unforgivable sin. Sighs. That said, I do love a good Halloween episode, even if it’s a Friends episode. Monica and Chandler decide to host a Halloween party where Ross tragically shows up dressed as a spud…nik. No one gets his costume and he is appropriately shamed throughout. If anything, you should watch the episode for costume inspo (it’s seriously gold) and also for the hilarity of Joey showing up dressed like Chandler. 

Parks & Rec: “Greg Pikitis” (Season 2, Episode 7)

Parks & Rec had quite a few Halloween episodes, but my favorite has always been the first one, which aired during the second season. Leslie Knope stands off against her sworn enemy, Greg Pikitis, a junior high delinquent who pranks the Parks Department every Halloween. This is also the episode where we meet Burt Macklin, FBI agent, for the first time, when Leslie asks Andy to interrogate Greg over his whereabouts and “maybe waterboard” him. To this day I wish you knew how much I regret not naming my dog “Pikitis” so that whenever she secretly sabotages me by chewing a hole in the crotch of my favorite leggings I could venomously whisper “Pikitis” under my breath. Also, Ann throws a Halloween party and it’s trash because Ann is trash. Watching Ann miserably fail at being fun is in itself worth a re-watch. 

One Tree Hill: “An Attempt To Tip The Scales” (Season 3, Episode 4)

Were you even truly living in the early ’00s if you weren’t tuning in every week to watch the utter madness that was One Tree Hill? The show was about two half brothers who share the same scumbag dad and a love of basketball, but one of them is rich and one of them is a bastard. This is like, the least dramatic plot line of the entire show, and to illustrate this point, let me recommend to you the Halloween episode of season three. Haley comes back from her world (??) music tour and tries to reconnect with her husband, Nathan. She is a sophomore in high school. Lucas, also a sophomore in high school, tries to be exclusive with his f*ck buddy Brooke (baby Sophia Bush), and he believes his worthiness and willingness to commit must be proven via a killer Halloween costume. He chooses Tommy Lee. I think that says enough about how their relationship inevitably turns out.

Peyton, not being dramatic at all, decides to dress as an angel of death, and her father only gives a half-hearted shrug in protest to this alarming outfit choice. The episode culminates at a Halloween party at underage nightclub TRIC, where Fall Out Boy casually performs. Watching this episode live on air, my only question was, where I can I replicate the angel of death outfit to properly alarm my mother? Watching the episode as an adult has me asking quite a few more questions, like why is there so much leather during this underage party? Is it too late to call a hotline about Peyton’s obvious issues with depression? And what blackmail did The CW have on Fall Out Boy to get them to continually perform on this godforsaken show? THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT. 

Buffy The Vampire Slayer: “Halloween” (Season 2, Episode 6)

For those of you who are like, Buffy The Vampire Slayer? What’s that? SHAME ON YOU, YOUTHS. To educate you poor, misguided children, Buffy is iconic and, as far as I’m concerned, should be mandatory viewing in all schools, sort of like how that Romeo & Juliet movie from the 1960s was. The show follows Buffy, high school cool girl and avid scrunchie wearer, who eviscerates people with snarky one-liners by day and slays vampires by night. If anyone has a problem with that plot description, they can take it up with me and the pointy end of my stake, mmkay?

Any one episode will have enough monsters and vampires to feel like a Halloween special, but the Halloween episode from season two is truly something else. In an effort to seduce the vampire she has a crush on, Buffy dresses up like a girl from his youth: an early 1800s noblewoman. I took a similar tactic to impress the guy in Kappa Sig I dated by dressing up like a cheerleader one Halloween, complete with underwear that said “haze me” on the butt. To each their own I guess, Buffy! Things go amiss for Buffy and her friends when the owner of the Halloween store enchants everyone’s costume so that you transform into the thing or person you’ve dressed up as. Mayhem ensues. The episode is complete with treacherous wigs and even more treacherous English accents, and is an absolute must-watch. 

The Office: “Costume Contest” (Season 7, Episode 6)

Like Parks & Rec, The Office has a LOT of Halloween episodes to choose from, but I think we can all agree that the one from season seven was the best. Pam raises the stakes of the annual costume contest by awarding the winner a Scranton book of coupons that could amount to $15,00o in savings. This leads the employees of Dunder Mifflin to think that the book is literally worth $15K and so everyone goes all out for the costume contest. Angela shows up in a naughty nurse outfit (lol I can’t wait to hear how she rationalizes that one to Jesus), Jim actually wears a costume, and Gabe is doing the most as Lady Gaga.

Stranger Things: “Trick or Treat, Freak” (Season 2, Episode 2)

Guys, is there literally anything in this world that’s cuter than watching 13-year-old nerds coordinate their group Halloween outfits?! I don’t f*cking think so. Stranger Things is fun to rewatch because it feels appropriately spooky and nostalgic, which is what Halloween is all about. Plus, at one point during the episode Nancy gets drunk at a costume party and yells at Steve. I’m sorry, but if drunkenly sobbing in a bathroom after fighting with your boyfriend isn’t a Halloween mood THEN I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS. 

Gossip Girl: “The Witches of Bushwick” (Season 4, Eipside 9)

First of all, I forgot this episode of Gossip Girl even existed, let alone that it’s aptly titled “The Witches of Bushwick.” As a person who used to call Bushwick her penance for past sins home, I can honestly say that there are, in fact, witches in this area of Brooklyn. Not to name names but there was a very suspicious incident at a vegan cafe wherein I mistakenly asked for creamer in my coffee and later became mysteriously ill. I’m just saying, it’s suspicious is all. The episode takes place at Chuck’s Saints and Sinners masquerade party at the Empire Hotel and it is PEAK Gossip Girl in terms of fashion and fighting. It’s a very Serena-heavy episode in the sense that Jenny and friends try to overthrow her while Nate and Dan both try and woo her. Also, Chuck and Blair are there and are perfect. 

New Girl: “Keaton” (Season 3, Episode 6)

New Girl has always been the gift that keeps on giving for me, especially since I’ve always self-identified as having the spirit of a crotchety, 90-year-old man, in the same way that Nick Miller does. This is one of my all-time favorite episodes because we find out that Nick has been sending Schmidt fake messages from actor Michael Keaton FOR YEARS. Schmidt for some reason believes with his whole heart that the actor who plays Batman has been sending him supportive letters and emails for his entire life when in fact it’s been his mom and then roommate Nick writing the sage advice. I almost peed myself watching this episode—it’s that good.  

These are the best Halloween episodes to re-watch in preparation for (or during) Halloween. If you don’t spend the next 3-6 hours watching this powerhouse lineup of television, I’ll be personally offended. Smell ya later!

Images: Giphy (5); Tenor (1); weheartit (1)

I think we can all agree that while Netflix has been bringing it with the murder and scam documentaries lately, they’ve been sorely lacking in their monthly rom-com quotas. Look, don’t get it twisted. I love watching the fall of humanity one bingeable documentary at a time, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate watching a bunch of very attractive twenty-somethings pretend to be very awkward high schoolers and somehow inspire my spiteful ass to believe in love again. That being said, brace yourselves, because Noah Centineo, aka Peter Kavinsky, aka the man who put his hand in Lara Jean’s back pocket (!!!), has a new movie coming out, and it is happening so so soon.

That’s right. This is not a drill, people. Our favorite barely legal Instagram thirst trap is gracing our screens once again, and I’m already making a note in my planner to call out sick when the movie drops on April 12th.

NETFLIX: Noah Centineo has a new moving coming out in two weeks.
ME: 

Noah’s new movie is called The Perfect Date, and after having watched the trailer I just have, like, a lot of feelings. So let’s take a look at said trailer, shall we?

Let’s start with the opening scenes from the trailer. In a voiceover, Noah declares, “I’ve always wanted to date the most popular girl in school, drive the fanciest car, and go to the most prestigious school, but I can’t afford any of that.” I hate to break it to you, buddy, but if you think HIGH SCHOOL is too expensive for you, just wait until you find out it costs approximately $1,200 a month just to breath air as an adult.

Noah Centineo plays Brooks Rattigan, a poor nerd who, apparently, can only get a date if someone pays him. Lol, k. Are we really to believe, Netflix, that this face…

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A post shared by Noah (@ncentineo) on Nov 15, 2018 at 6:15pm PST

…can only get a date if it’s paid for?! If that’s true, then I think Noah can quit acting and start taking Venmo requests. I’ve got $168 in my savings account with his name on it. We’ll all set you up for life, bb.

But back to the premise. So Brooks Rattigan is poor and unpopular, despite looking like a goddamn snack in every scene he’s in. He’s working as a sandwich boy at an off-brand Subway, when one day he overhears two dudes talking about needing to pay someone to date their sister, and Noah is like “I volunteer as tribute, but only if I get to drive your car.” And the random dude SAYS YES. I take it back, this is starting to sound more and more like one of Netflix’s murder documentaries…

Brooks gets set up with a moody rich girl, Celia Lieberman, who I can already tell will be friend-zoned three seconds into this trailer because she has a personality and wears combat boots. Jesus. After his date with Celia, he decides that actually he’s pretty good at being a f*ckboy “stand-in date,” and decides to make a living at it by making his own app WHERE HE SELLS HIMSELF AS A PLUS ONE. I’m sorry, but is Netflix encouraging the prostitution of a minor rn?? Because this sounds less like a fun side hustle, and more like something Olivia Benson will try and prosecute in this season’s finale of Law & Order SVU. My favorite is that Brooks looks so proud of himself for thinking he’s pioneered the sex trade industry.

am i really going to sit thru a third netflix movie for an audience demo 15yrs younger than me just bc it stars noah centineo? u betcha https://t.co/hjigtWKDM8

— ? (@oneofthosefaces) March 27, 2019

As you can imagine, with a face like that, Brooks is absolutely thriving in his career as an underage escort and even gets a date with the hottest, most popular girl in school, Shelby Pace (aka Camila Mendes). We know Shelby is the most popular girl in school because she wears an inordinate amount of fur and barely speaks, and apparently that is enough to qualify her as Brooks’ “dream girl.” K. After getting everything he wants though, Brooks realizes maybe he’s actually into Celia, despite her having a personality of her own. Who will he choose? Well, it’s a real Sophie’s Choice there… 

As I said, this trailer left me with a lot of thoughts and feelings, but mostly I’m extremely hype for this thing to release. The cast is, like, the perfect mashup of The CW and Freeform’s most beautiful rejects, and there’s truly nothing I love more than watching adults pretending to be teenagers dry hump in a janitor’s closet. 

The Perfect Date drops Friday, April 12th, so feel free to cancel your plans right f*cking now.

Images: Giphy (1); YouTube (1); @ncentineo /Instagram (1); @oneofthosefaces / Twitter