If there’s one thing I’m thankful for during this pandemic, it’s Netflix. The platform is consistently dropping amazing content that allows me to forget that we are at the actual end of the world, and allows me to avoid cleaning my closet like I promised I would when this whole thing started nine weeks ago. It’s a multi-tasker, unlike me. This month, Netflix dropped season two of Dead to Me, and to say I was excited is an understatement. Murder, good. Dark humor, good. Gorgeous real estate, good! What’s not to like? And I’m pleased to say the second season delivered on all counts, and got me addicted to orange wine. I’m sad I’ve binged the whole thing (the show, not the wine…maybe), but now I have countless hours alone in my house to ponder the way it ended. So, can we talk about all the lingering questions the season 2 finale of Dead to Me leaves us with? But first, I must warn you, SPOILERS AHEAD! If you don’t want to know what happens, stop reading! I’m much more of a Jen than a Judy, so if you yell at me in the comments after I warned you, I might sell you a house with a little bit of mold.
Will Ben Get Away With His Hit-And-Run?
The final scenes of the season see Jen and Judy sitting in the car, marveling at the stop sign Jen successfully got installed. And then BAM! They are T-boned by another vehicle, which turns out to be driven by a drunk, off-the-wagon Ben who immediately flees the scene. The women appear to be alive, but injured. This is definitely not the kind of boning Jen wanted from Ben.
It’s not clear whether the women realized it was Ben who hit them, so this could be next year’s season-long mystery. This accident is definitely going to weigh on Ben’s conscience, since he’s actually a nice guy, as opposed to his verbally abusive, money laundering, trashbag, formerly alive semi-identical twin. Will next season focus more on his guilt? Or will it be Jen and Judy trying to solve a crime instead of cover one up for once?
Oh precious Ben, I wish I didn’t have to hate you.
Are The Women Finally Going To Get Caught For Steve’s Murder?
This whole season was a wild ride. It began with Steve dead in Jen’s pool, and eventually revealed that she killed him, not in self-defense, but because he was an asshole. I’m no judge, but I’m pretty sure that defense is legally rock-solid. By the end of the season, Jen couldn’t take the guilt anymore, and didn’t want Judy or her son blamed for her crimes, so she goes to Detective Perez and confesses. Jen can’t find where she and Judy buried the body in the 700,000 acres of Angeles National Forest, and Perez decides to let her off the hook so this crime doesn’t ruin Jen’s family any further. That’s so sweet! I’m no cop, but I’m pretty sure they’re allowed to let off the murderers they like.
“I couldn’t help but wonder…DOES Angeles Forest have more dead bodies than trees?” pic.twitter.com/kAAwuIXGyq
— Dead To Me (@deadtome) May 15, 2020
Unfortunately for Jen, she might not have been able to find Steve’s body in the giant forest, but the dog and its owner that Jen and the detective ran into seem to have better luck. We don’t see the dog actually find the body, but we do see it furiously digging at the site that Judy marked. Personally if my dog was going crazy at what appeared to be the perfect body dump site I may have stopped her, but I guess if you’re insane enough to go hiking at dawn, maybe you don’t mind if your dog parades around with a skull in its jaw. We eventually find out that the body was unearthed from the phone call to Ben, so what will happen now? Will the body reveal Jen as the murderer? Will Detective Perez get in trouble? That hiker did see them walking around. Fingers crossed she hadn’t had her thermos coffee yet!
I promise you, though, if Jen does go to trial for this next season I’ll be screaming at my TV “If the dead guy was a twit, you must acquit!” Who’s with me?
And What About The Money Laundering?
For most of the season, Judy is concerned with getting her paintings back from Steve’s art gallery. I mean, sure, they’re cute if your vibe is Big Eyes for pedophiles, but let’s be real, Judy could paint another one pretty quickly if someone decided they just had to have a piece of art that would give them nightmares for the rest of their life. So why did she really want them back? Oh, just for the hundreds of thousands of dollars that was stashed in the frames. I guess we know how Steve was laundering money!
Jen and Judy decide to take that money to buy out Jen’s mother-in-law (her name was on the deed of Jen’s house) and also buy Charlie a car. So keeping it under the radar then, huh, ladies? Is it smart to use laundered money? I’m asking this as a serious question. I mean, every time I do my taxes I’m afraid I’ve accidentally withheld money and just sit with my hands out waiting for the IRS to come and cuff me for days, so maybe I’m not the best person to ask this question, but it seems like a bad idea! Not only is the FBI onto the money laundering scheme, but weren’t dangerous people supposed to get that money? I highly doubt that the police captain who went to jail for killing Steve is the highest ranking member of the Greek crime syndicate Steve was involved with. So, next season will we see Jen and Judy tangled up in this crime as well? Ugh. Can’t these ladies catch a break? I just want to watch them get drunk in that gorgeous backyard FOR ONCE without worrying if orange jumpsuits will wash them out.
Can You Really Kill A Man With A Small Wooden Animal?
I truly believe that Jen has a lot of rage in her. I understand. I mean, I’ve gotten as violent as she does one time at the gym when I realized I went all the way there and my headphones were in my apartment. And my husband wasn’t even killed in a hit-and-run! So, I don’t blame her. But I don’t think even Jen’s amount of rage could turn a tiny hollow wooden bird into a murder weapon. Could she have gotten a few good pecks in? Absolutely! A little neck irritation to really make him think about what he said? 100%. Murder? Lol, no. For that, she should have used the gun that she had in her possession.
I also get that perhaps it was symbolic. Steve killed Ted, Jen’s husband. Jen’s son thinks the bird is Ted. Therefore, Ted kills Steve back. Very deep. And I don’t begrudge them that. But I do think they maybe should have established that the bird was filled with lead or something. Had Henry collapse under its weight when he carries it around. Maybe talk about how in its former life Arnold Schwarzenegger used it for body building. Have someone drop it and let it make a six-foot-deep hole in the ground. Anything, really! Literally anything that would make it slightly more believable that an object so tiny would kill such an incredibly handsome grown man. I’m going to need to take a closer look at Karen’s security footage to see it for myself, and she better go get that f*cking orange wine too.
Will Charlie Keep Their Secret?
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. I hate you. Yes, your dad was murdered in the first season, your mother is a bit unstable, and you have a random woman with a disconcertingly cheery demeanor and aggressively sweet wardrobe occasionally living in your pool house, but you’re still a little sh*t. I never side with the teenagers anymore. God, I’m old, aren’t I?
This season, Charlie finds dead Steve’s very expensive car in his mother’s storage unit and decides that it’s a gift FOR HIM, takes it out, picks up his girlfriend in it, has sex, takes pictures, and then lets it run out of gas on a dead-end street. Youths! And the car isn’t the only thing he steals this season. He also has a penchant for taking weed from Judy, and it’s in her very easy to find hiding spot, that he spots the note his mother left him. We don’t exactly know what the letter says, but I can only assume it is a confession. Will Charlie keep his mom’s secret next season? I think the answer to that depends on how many cars the ladies buy him, and how many promises they make to never talk to him about STDs again.
What Is A Semi-Identical Twin?
When James Marsden showed up this season after being murdered and falling into the pool in the first season finale I thought, “That Steve was a douchebag and a strong swimmer?!” Friends, he was not a strong swimmer. This other James Marsden character was Steve’s twin, Ben. But not just a regular twin, a semi-identical twin. I know what you’re thinking, but no, that’s not what Lindsay Lohan is.
There’s nothing I love more in this world than discovering something new about twins (seriously), and according to the internet semi-identical twins are indeed a thing. And look, you don’t need me using the words fertilized, egg, and sperm in this article (whoops!) so I’ll spare you the gory details and just tell you they’re really rare, and share more genetic material than fraternal twins, and up to as much as identical twins. I cannot emphasize enough how shocked I am that Grey’s Anatomy has never used this as a plot line. You know Shonda Rhimes in isolation right now rage texting all her writers. Regardless of wtf they are, they let us keep James Marsden and for that I will always be grateful to semi-identical twins.
And those are all my burning questions after watching season 2 of Dead to Me! What did you all think of the season? Will you also be checking all of your friends’ garage freezers from now on? Let me know!
Images: Saeed Adyani / Netflix; Giphy (2); deadtome/Instagram (4); deadtome/Twitter
As we enter into yet another week of our never-ending stay-at-home order, we rely on a few comforts to help get us through the uncertainty and terror of this time. Napping at all hours of the day? Definitely. Eating every single snack we just bought at the grocery store that was supposed to last us two weeks? Of course! Dressing our dog up like the Queen of England and pretending we’re at high tea? Who among us hasn’t?! But, most importantly, we rely on Netflix to continuously drop the most absurd shows (Hi, Tiger King! Hi, Love is Blind!) that allow us to forget for just a little while that we are actually living in a game of Jumanji. And Netflix is coming through for us yet again on Friday, April 17th, when they drop their next reality dating show, Too Hot to Handle. They just released the trailer, and it looks like exactly the amount of trash we all need in our lives right now (which is Britney-in-a-gas-station-bathroom-without-her-shoes level of trash). So, let’s take a look at the trailer, break it down, and talk about why Too Hot To Handle is most definitely going to be a worthy successor to our last reality obsession, Love is Blind.
I’m going to leave the trailer for you right here, please watch it, take copious notes, and then come back to me to discuss.
There sure is a lot to unpack, so let’s go over the basics. Too Hot to Handle features 10 hot singles on an island in bikinis, drinking excessive amounts of alcohol out of Solo cups, and in a competition for $100,000. Seems pretty easy, right? But of course, there is a twist, because Netflix is nothing if not a sick bastard. A cone shaped robot named Lana tells the contestants that in order to win the money, they have to abstain from sexual activity. I shrieked. These people literally arrived on the island slathered in their favorite lube, and they aren’t allowed to have sex?! Have you seen anything sadder in your whole life?
What the contestants thought the island was going to be like:
What it’s actually like:
After the robot drops its bombshell, the contestants slowly remove their penises from whatever hole they had immediately stuck them in, and proceed to lose their minds. This seems like it’s going to be fun! Well for me, at least—the raging hormones disguised as people stuck on this sexless island seem a little less enthused.
So what else is notable about the trailer, I mean, other than the fact that one dude is obviously going to f*ck a fish? Well, a lot of these people appear to be British, which makes me wonder if they think Americans are not garbage enough for this show? If so, I’d like to point them in the direction of a brilliant piece of art known as Are You The One? for proof that you can most certainly peel some of us off a sticky linoleum floor in Jacksonville and convince us to humiliate ourselves on TV for a small amount of money and a can of Axe Body Spray. Something to consider for next season! It’s also cute that one of the women thinks that because of the format, “maybe more can come from this.” Adorable. I think it means he’s just going to bang you when you get home and then ghost you, but it’s nice to have dreams!
We also see someone saying “I don’t want to break the rules,” and then a montage of a LOT of rule breaking. So I think it is safe to say that even though hooking up isn’t allowed, there will be a bunch of people claiming that they didn’t mean to, they just fell and somehow it slipped in! That can’t count, right? Lana would never take away money for such an innocent accident, would she?
If anything is clear from watching this trailer, though, it’s that Too Hot To Handle is the OBVIOUS successor to Love is Blind, and might even improve upon its predecessor. First of all, they’ve replaced Nick and Vanessa Lachey with a talking triangle with some pretty blue lights, and it delivers lines better than they ever did. Sorry Lacheys, no more free vacations for you. You’ll have to do sponsored Instagram ads pimping out your children like the rest of the C-listers if you want a summer vacay!
There also appears to be way more partying on Too Hot To Handle, which I’m thankful for. I was a little tired of watching only Jessica get sloshed in every episode of Love is Blind.
Okay fine, I wasn’t, that was pure gold, but I want to see ALL the contestants bring shame on their families by drinking too much pinot grigio and hitting on someone else’s man. And finally, Too Hot To Handle has a similar premise to Love is Blind. Robot Lana explains to the contestants, much more eloquently than Nick ever did, that the reason they can’t have sex is so they gain deeper connections with one another. I’m not sure why this “deep connection” thing is the hill Netflix is willing to die on in 2020, but most likely because it’s making them a sh*t ton of cash and not because they care about people forming successful relationships built on love and respect, right?
I have to admit, I’m excited for this one. And not just because I think it’s going to end with the robot slaughtering all the contestants and taking over the island to breed little Lanas that will eventually conquer the world. But because we all watched Love is Blind, and now in real life we’re stuck dating in isolation pods, so if we all watch Too Hot To Handle, at least we’ll be stuck on an island after this, even if we must be abstinent. CAN’T WAIT!
Images: giphy (3); loveisblindtv/Instagram; Netflix
Please tell me you all are watching Love is Blind, Netflix’s latest reality show. PLEASE. If not, you should get on that now, because the next four episodes just dropped this morning. This article, however, is only about the first five episodes, because I am merely a human with a full-time job who just spent the last two nights binge watching this show just to bring you all my BRILLIANT and HILARIOUS takes. Am I insane to cram that much reality TV into two school nights when I also have other things going on? Yes, I am. Do I regret it? No, I don’t. Do I need a venti nonfat latte? Yes I do, and if you’re in Midtown East please bring me two, I’ll put your name in our security system.
I guess I should actually explain the premise of this show to you instead of the details of my coffee order. Basically, men and women get to know each other without seeing what the other looks like. They talk through a wall. It is blue and shimmery, and is reminiscent of that lava lamp we all had in our rooms in 1998. It also magically makes people able to fall in love with strangers within four days. And yes, if you’re counting, we are only two months into 2020 and I’ve already watched two shows where human beings shout words at a wall to communicate with each other. My mother is very proud. Anyway, once the contestants fall in love, sight unseen, the couples get engaged, get to meet, go on a trip, and plan a wedding. It’s all about as horrifyingly awkward as you would imagine. In fact, I have been shrieking in my apartment for days. I’m pleasantly surprised none of my neighbors have called the police, but also am slightly concerned that if I’m getting murdered I’m sh*t out of luck. Oh well! But, I’m sure I’m not the only one who was left shrieking through the awkwardness, right? So let me remind you of your horror, and let’s take a look at the most shriek-worthy moments of the season so far!
Nick And Vanessa Lachey
It’s so sweet of Netflix to provide a graveyard for the C-list boy band has-beens of the world! Everyone needs a final resting place, even if they were never Justin Timberlake. So, I was fine when Nick and Vanessa showed up in the first episode, thinking they would be the hosts. But then, they didn’t appear again until the couples got to Mexico, and Vanessa seemed like she had never read lines in her life. That’s when it became very obvious to me that the Lacheys needed Netflix for a free trip to Mexico. I had to look away, I was so embarrassed for them. I have a suggestion, guys. Cash in on this fame resurgence you’re getting from Jessica’s book, pay for your own trip to Mexico, and don’t ever remind me again how pathetic you are.
I hope you held your head low when you picked up your paycheck, Lacheys
Jessica’s Baby Voice
Jessica! You are 34. You were practically alive when Kennedy was assassinated. Sienna Miller is in a movie playing a grandmother younger than that! You don’t need to sound like you walked out of your mother’s womb in 2016. It’s just not necessary. This show is called LOVE IS BLIND, not LOVE IS DEAF, so I would think you’d want to sound as normal as humanly possible. Not the case for Jess. I mean, except when she was talking to the camera and sounded like a totally capable adult woman. WHAT WAS THAT?! Perhaps this show wasn’t the only experiment going on—I think Jessica was conducting an experiment of her own. And her findings? Men do indeed LOVE a baby voice. Betches writers do not.
Carlton In Mexico
I’m sorry, but Carlton was the worst. Not only did he walk out on women that he did not deem interesting enough when they were in the pods, he also treated his fiancée Diamond like sh*t. First, he didn’t confide in the woman to whom he got engaged that he was bisexual. AND THEN! When he did, he expected her immediate acceptance without even a discussion, and when she wanted to talk about it he screamed that her wig was sliding off. HE INSULTED HER WIG!! This is a man that producers deemed mature enough to get married within a few weeks? Honestly, I don’t know what else he said past the wig drama because, as I’ve mentioned, I was shrieking, but I’m sure it also was terrible. His behavior combined with his hat that said “Daddy” on it made it physically impossible for me to watch any of his scenes in Mexico not through my fingertips.
Damian and Gigi’s Proposal
Look, it’s awkward enough to watch something as intimate as a proposal. Add in the barrier of a lava lamp wall, and it’s even weirder. Then, mix in the fact that these people met only days ago, and it’s nearly unbearable. And finally, have the man proposing announce “I am your gift” while wearing a bow around his wrist, and I’m honestly shocked I did not spontaneously combust into particles of blood and guts. I did nearly drop my wine bottle, though, which would have been tragic because I still had to get through Gigi proposing BACK to Damian instead of doing the sane thing and saying, “That’s so nice you think you’re a gift, but can I get mozzarella sticks instead?”. Needless to say, my wine bottle did not make it through the rest of the evening.
Gigi’s Continued Mention of the “Days Without Sex” Memes
Day 329 without sex: I went to Starbucks just so I could hear somebody scream my name
— ryki (@ryankii) July 14, 2018
Speaking of Gigi, she is one of the main reasons my throat is hoarse this morning. The second she started quoting the “Days Without Sex” memes at dinner to Damian I thought I would never recover. We get it, you want to have sex. Can’t you just raise one eyebrow at him and say “eh?” like a socially awkward normal person? You don’t need to go saying year-old memes out loud! It’s not cool! And it still wasn’t cool when you used the same joke again at the bar with the other girls! Is this what the world is like when you don’t have access to your phone? Instead of DM’ing things, you must speak them? That’s the Bad Place.
All The Couples Meeting for the First Time
Well this was savage. I love that the producers sent all the couples to the same hotel for their trip, and forced them to meet up with the very people that they had been dating only DAYS prior to getting engaged to someone else. Oh yeah, and they provided alcohol. If that’s not a recipe for Jessica regretting her choices fun, I don’t know what is! Jessica talking to Barnett was the most desperate thing I’ve ever seen, I could not even watch. But, I think we all might be Jessica when she returned from the night to say about the man she is SO OBVIOUSLY pining over: “he’s deeply troubled.”
Barnett and Amber’s Entire Relationship
Is it me, or do Barnett and Amber seem like a couple from Are You The One? instead of Love is Blind? Like, if this was one of my first impression articles about contestants, it would go something like this:
Barnett: Every show has to have a douchey frat bro for Ryanne to throw herself at in their DMs, and Barnett is that guy on Love is Blind. He 100% does not want to get married, but does want to get laid as many times as possible with minimal effort. Look for him to not make the final commitment and end up hooking up with all three girls he was pursuing after the show.
So I guess he’s back on the market then
Amber: Amber is the kind of girl that will ruin your life and enjoy doing it. Watch out Barnett, she’ll find you.
Ooohh probably not for long…
So, as you can see, I totally think this will work out. Kidding! I totally think they’re going to get the police called on them, break up and get back together numerous times until one of them decides to leave the country and “find themselves”, and never hold down a real job again. Perhaps I’m being harsh, but I do say all of this after Amber bit Barnett’s arm in the bar, and he said in regular conversation “speaking of bareback…” so maybe I’m not being harsh enough.
And that’s what stuck out to me during these first five episodes! I’m looking forward to losing my voice again tonight while watching the new episodes; hit me up in the comments and let me know what you all found shriek-worthy in Love is Blind!
Images: Netflix; Giphy (3), barnettisblind, jessicabatten/Instagram, ryankii/Twitter