Over the weekend, whether you were too afraid to rejoin society after lockdown or you were forced back into lockdown because people went HAM and your city saw a resurgence of Covid cases, chances are you might’ve come across the new Baby-Sitters Club series on Netflix Family. Though the series was originally intended for a children’s audience, millennials and xennials on my Twitter and IG feeds have also found themselves binging the show. This wholesome content is exactly the nostalgia we’ve all been longing for in a difficult year, and if you haven’t watched it yet, do yourself a favor and head to Netflix.
So what better way to continue that comforting break from reality than to celebrate the iconic series and its characters by asking yourself the simple question of “What does your favorite Baby-Sitters Club character say about you?” None.
Did somebody order a control freak? Kristys (Kristies?) are currently stewing over the fact that their 2020 planner has barely seen any action and spend their days in quarantine crafting the perfect itinerary for working from home. You’re not the best with change, but that’s mostly because things don’t sit well with you if you’re not able to run the show and be in complete control. That being said, you are a natural leader and you do your best to lead with love. Your friends are your people and you always show up for them. Like the Mom of the group, you’re reliable and when people need something done you’re the one they have on speed dial.
Claudias are the fiercest, most artistic of the bunch. Never afraid to speak your mind, people naturally flock to your confident attitude and effortless style. You will definitely be voted mostly likely to have a future as an #influencer with a roster of Pinterest-worthy DIYs and sustainable capsule collections. Family means everything to you, though it can be frustrating when your family isn’t as open to your free spirit as your friends and fans. You’re a considerate friend who always has a purse full of snacks, encourages others to explore their creativity, and your attention to detail in your art and for the people you care about never goes unnoticed.
Ahhh boy-crazy Stacey. On the outside, you give off the vibes of a Real Housewife in the making, when deep down you’re still just trying to figure yourself out (admittedly, most of the Housewives are too). While you worry a ton about what others may think, you try your best to not let your insecurities get the best of you. In reality, all you’re trying to do is find genuine connections in this world, and that goes for friends, romance, and family. You sometimes struggle with living up to your parents’ ridiculous expectations, but you know that at the end of the day they’ve got your back. So keep reminding yourself of that and surrounding yourself with friends and boos who do too.
Mary Annes are either a future therapist’s dream or have a successful future as a therapist. Never one to rock the boat, you’re always listening and taking in everyone else’s energy. By nature you’re a people pleaser, though one should never mistake your kindness for weakness. You’re still learning to find your voice and develop independence from who you think you should be for everyone else and who you actually want to be. And while you’re still evolving your personality and style, you never discount the value of a solid pair of overalls and you can always be counted on to be there for your friends with an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on.
A spiritual goddess, Dawns are optimistic and always look at the glass as half-full—even when the cards they’ve been dealt haven’t always been the best hand. You might have been forced to grow up quickly and play the role of caregiver or authority in your family. And instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you lean into those skills and excel with purpose. Whether it’s educating yourself and taking your efforts beyond performative allyship or leading a guided meditation to calm everyone’s nerves, you are not only happy to be a part of the group but truly want everyone to see just how wonderful and badass they can be in their own right too.
An honorable mention for Kristy’s soon-to-be step-sister Karen because let’s face it, it’s been a tough year for Karens. Whether we admit it or not, every single friend group has a Karen. Karens can be dramatic and have a tendency to overreact when really all they are is starved for attention. They genuinely believe they mean well, though it often comes out in problematic and extreme ways, like idk, running away at camp or fearmongering over conspiracy theories. And while Karens still admittedly have room to grow and mature, one thing is for sure—if they like you they’ll defend you to the extreme and you’ll always get that impossible restaurant reservation even if you’re just walking in.
Images: Jesse Austin (5), Kailey Schwerman/Netflix; Giphy
There’s no better thrill in this world than when Netflix drops a brand new series. These days, I’d say that feeling is second only to pretending my computer’s video function is broken during a Zoom meeting so I don’t have to show my coworkers what a disgusting piece of sh*t I’ve actually become during the pandemic. Which is why I was over the moon when I learned that over the weekend Netflix had dropped their newest dumpster fire of a reality TV show: Too Hot To Handle. For those of you who haven’t heard of this show, I urge you to drop the banana bread you were thinking about making and instead dedicate the next 8-10 hours of your life watching human evolution happen in reverse.
The premise of the show is this: 10 hot people from all over the world have been selected to be secluded on a remote beach retreat. They think they’re there to drink-bottom shelf liquor and see how much sand their gynos will have to scrape out of their cervixes after this. Not so! Instead these emotionally stunted circus animals, who have no concept of genuine human connection, have been thrust into this retreat and DENIED SEXUAL CONTACT OF ANY KIND in order to learn it. The phrase “emotional growth” is thrown around no less than 100 times throughout the entirety of the season, which made me think: did any of the contestants actually grow as people? With that in mind, I’ve decided to rank the contestants’ emotional growth on a scale of 1-10, with one being a basic human being allowed to mingle with the rest of society, and ten being someone who remains a dancing monkey.
*Note: Since we initially only wrote our season predictions for the original 10 cast members, those are the people we’ll be ranking now AND I DON’T WANT TO HEAR BOO ABOUT, MMKAY?
I will go to my grave defending this thesis, but here it is: Haley is not a human being. I won’t believe it. I have seen kitchen appliances show more human emotion that this sorority girl from Florida. So it’s not hard to fathom how Haley earned her last place status. In fact, Haley didn’t even make it half way through the season before getting the boot from the animatronic lamp named Lana. I’m sure that will be fun for her to explain to her potential employer. I’d say never change, Haley, but we both know your programming makes you incapable of that!
Francesca is a modern-day enchantress, and watching her systematically bring financial ruin upon her roommates one over-the-clothes handjob at a time was absolutely riveting to watch. Even though 80% of her identifying features are made up of silicone, she was one of the more attractive girls this season, and the men went into an absolute FRENZY upon her arrival at the retreat. She ended up hitting it off with Aussie Harry and they were one out of the two couples to be established during the show. When she wasn’t hypnotizing him with her tits, she was manipulating the f*ck out of anything else with a penis. Francesca gets second to last place because even though she left the retreat with a boyfriend, I’m pretty sure the only thing she learned throughout this entire experience is how much she should actually be charging for her sexual acts. I can’t wait to see what you do in the future, Fran!
I know I’m going to catch sh*t for this one in the comments BUT COME FOR ME TROLLS because I stand by this decision. Kelz, while the most beautiful person on this show and the source of all comedic relief, also only cared about one thing: getting his goddamn money. He seemed to be far too familiar with how much a blowjob should cost and spent the majority of his time pulling out his hair and screaming “hands!!” any time Francesca and Harry so much as breathed in each other’s directions. The one and only time he tried to pursue a romantic connection with Francesca, all he talked about was winning the money. Then he turned down a soapy handjob, NOT because he wanted to wait and see if they connected on a deeper level first, but because it wouldn’t fit in their budget. Kelz, you’re a money-grubbing whore, but I love you buddy!
Matthew started out the show by claiming he couldn’t date anyone long-term because he doesn’t believe in marriage, even when “long-term” was later defined as “like, four weeks.” With this sad, romantic rock bottom in mind, you would think the only place he could go is up, but after several weeks on the show his idea of having a meaningful conversation was talking dirty to a robot cone named Lana. The single men of America, ladies! Matthew left the show early because
none of the girls would bang him it was time for him to move on. But don’t worry, ladies! He says he will be taking what he learned from the retreat and applying it to his future relationships, which I’m sure means he’d be willing to commit to five weeks with one lucky lady instead of four. We’re not worthy!!
On night one, Harry declared that he was below average in every sense of the word, which is why he does so well with women—and that was the lightbulb moment my therapist has been hoping I’d have for years. At first, I couldn’t put my finger on what made him so attractive to me. Why did I so badly want a 6’5″ man-child rocking a modernized bowl cut to call me his naughty little possum?? Who knew that average attainability could be so attractive? I’m ranking Harry in sixth place because even though by the end of the show he was a reformed f*ckboy ready to move across the world to be closer to Francesca, he was sort of manipulated into doing it. I’m pretty sure if a less hot girl asked him to be monogamous, he would have been gone faster than the 20K he spent in the private suite with Francesca.
Nicole had zero hookups, love interests, or quotable lines during her time on the show. In fact, sometimes when she wore her hair curly, I thought a new contestant had shown up on the beach altogether. I was inclined to give Nicole the benefit of the doubt regarding her growth since I can hardly pick her face out of a crowd, let alone recall significant details about her personal life. Then I remembered the one challenge where they painted themselves with the negative comments people have said about them, and the most insulting thing she could come up with was “skinny.” What other horrors do people say about you, Nicole? That you’ve got a face for modeling?
I struggled with where to put Rhonda on here but, in the end, 4th place felt right. While she did show tremendous personal growth on the show, I’m not convinced that she wasn’t a decent human being to begin with. She seemed to have a good head on her shoulders and only pursued romantic connections with the least douchey men on the island. Congratulations, Rhonda, you aren’t trash!
I think this will be a controversial pick as well, but there’s something about Chloe that has me rooting for her. Though she has the emotional density of a plastic grocery bag, I was actually impressed with her when she cut things off with David after realizing that their connection was only physical, and when she called Francesca out for her two-faced behavior. Plus, she never cost the group more than $12k so that makes her a winner in my book.
This is a man whose opening line on the show was “I’m most proud of my penis” and by the end of the retreat, he was in a committed relationship—without having sex!—and FaceTiming his girlfriend’s kid because it was important to her. If I had a heart, it would have started beating again for this sh*t.
And last but not least, we have British David ranking in at number one for the biggest emotional transformation. When David first graced my television screen, he looked like the type of person who would have spent this pandemic building a bunker out of bulk orders of protein powder and dumbbells. Little did I know that David was a human cinnamon roll hiding in a CrossFit acolyte’s skin suit! When David decided to quit pursuing his romantic connection with Rhonda—a woman who brought him to tears just staring into her soul!!—because he valued his friendship with Sharron too much, I may have actually cried. Though he didn’t end up with anyone by the end of the show, he was constantly lifting his cast mates up and just genuinely being the cutest human on planet earth. David: CALL ME!
And there you have it! The definitive ranking of emotional growth from the Too Hot To Handle cast. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’ll just be sliding into David’s DMs and asking him if he’d like to be my naughty little possum. Ttyl!
Images: Aline Arruda, Ana Cristina Blumenkron/Netflix; Courtesy of Netflix (8)
If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that I have truly been living for America’s favorite scammer: Anna Delvey. Last year felt like The Year of The Scam when story after story fed the news cycle about people getting screwed over by con artists, but none were so captivating as the story of the broke millennial who managed to scam New York’s elite, and one Vanity Fair photo editor, out of all of their money, one happy hour and lavish vacation at a time. An icon, truly.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with Anna Delvey’s story, then may I just say, what a magical place must be the rock you live under. Do you also consider your home to be an enchanted tower where your only means of exiting is via the 40-foot-long braid you grew from your own head? Because I’m seriously at a loss as to how you could have missed the SCAM TO END ALL SCAMS. But fine, mole people, I suppose I’ll humor you. Anna Delvey aka Anna Sorokin posed as a German heiress and managed to infiltrate her way into Manhattan’s elite social scene before conning her friends and business partners out of a cool $275,000. Since her trial and sentencing last year (she’s currently sending selfies from Rikers Island, where she’ll be for the next 4-12 years serving time for her fraud), her story has continued to fuel the news cycle and also my will to live. More recently, My Friend Anna, a tell-all book written by Rachel Deloache Williams, one of Anna’s former friends and victims, was published over the summer. And now, friends, it gets even better, because Netflix released casting details about the series they are producing based on the fake heiress’ life.
The show, entitled Inventing Anna, is based off of Jessica Pressler’s original damning 2018 New York Magazine article “How Anna Delvey Tricked New York’s Party People” and will focus on the relationship between Anna and a journalist who attempts to get to the truth about Anna amidst her trial. Who will take on the small screen adaptation of such a sordid and twisted tale, you ask? MOTHERF*CKING SHONDA RHIMES, THAT’S WHO. That’s right, the woman who has been treating my fragile emotional state like an Auntie Ann’s pretzel that she can twist and manipulate to her liking through 16 seasons of watching the absolute tomfoolery that occurs at a little place called Seattle Grace Hospital, will be taking on the story of Anna Delvey. I honestly could not think of a better person to tackle this monumental task. If there’s one thing Shonda Rhimes thrives off of, it’s messy drama, and nothing is messier than a broke millennial with an apparent aversion to hairbrushes taking New York’s richest for all they’re worth.
Netflix just released the cast list for the series, and it is everything I hoped it would be and more. Julia Garner, who just won an Emmy for her role in Ozark, will play Anna herself. In a press release, Netflix describes the role of Anna as “a young woman in her mid-20s with a hard-to-place European accent who takes New York by storm. Either a brilliant businesswoman or a scammer extraordinaire, Anna in turn inspires loyalty, compassion, contempt, and obsession—all while leaving behind an emotional body count.” AN EMOTIONAL BODY COUNT. Well, at least Shonda won’t be able to kill off any of Anna’s friends and family members. For once. RIP MCSTEAMY—I’ll never forgive you for for that one, Shonda!
Next up, we’ve got Anna Chlumsky from My Girl and Veep fame, who will play the journalist (aka Vivian) investigating Anna throughout her trial. Apparently Vivian hopes that Anna’s story will be the thing that revives her career, but the more she investigates Anna, the more attached she becomes. So basically she’s me. Anna Chlumsky will be playing the role of me. Can’t wait to watch the scene where she skips out on a happy hour and other basic human interaction to scroll through Anna’s IG feed for 20 hours straight!
Other cast members include Laverne Cox, who will play Kacy Duke, a celebrity trainer and life coach who gets sucked into Anna’s inner circle; Katie Lowes of Scandal fame, who will play Anna’s friend Rachel (aka the author of My Friend Anna); and Alexis Floyd, who’s set to play the role of Neff, the concierge who worked at the Soho hotel Anna frequented (on someone else’s dime). Earlier this year, news broke that Lena Dunham was also working on an adaptation of the Anna Delvey story for HBO, but there have been no updates since the summer.
While there is no date set for the series premiere at this time, we’re told it will probably air sometime in 2020. The series is slated for 10 episodes, which lets me know that I’ll need to clear my schedule for at least double that: 10 hours to watch the show, and another 10 to unpack wtf I just watched and see if there’s any way to incorporate Anna’s tactics into my next Ship date. I’ve got some credit card debt I need paid off. Until then, start clearing your schedules now, because it ! is ! happening !
Images: Getty Images