Every “Love is Blind: After the Altar” Couple, Comprehensively Ranked

If there’s one thing Netflix is great at, it’s creating outlandish reality dating shows starring hot people who just! can’t! seem! to find love. While some series are more geared toward sex (*cough* Too Hot to Handle) others, like Love is Blind, are supposed to help these poor, painfully attractive people find what they’ve been searching for: social media followers their soul mates. And in what might be the most dramatic twist in reality show history, Love is Blind season 2 did just that. In fact, when ranking the Love is Blind: After the Altar couples, it’s clear there might actually be some real connections here… just maybe not the ones you expected.

ICYMI, After the Altar — which hit Netflix on Sept. 16 — showcases three 45ish-minute episodes that follow *most* of the couples/singles seen in season 2. I say most because head villain Abhishek Chatterjee (Shake) was noticeably absent. Whether he wanted to stick to his “everyone else is cloud-chasing” narrative or he simply wasn’t invited after his awkward Love is Blind reunion appearance, the jury’s out.

Shake aside, the brief glimpse at life post pods gives a clear look at which duos were worth the emotional investment this season. Ranked from worst to best, here’s our rundown of the After the Altar couples. Major spoilers ahead so consider this your one and only warning to take a sick day and catch up if you’re behind. 

9. Shayne and Natalie

Leading up to the wedding it seemed like Shayne and Natalie might actually work. They were complete opposites — a rom-com tradition — and they appeared to at least like each other, which is more than you can say for some other on-screen pairings. Things went downhill, though, when Shayne got drunk the night before their wedding and said some pretty sh*tty things to Natalie (like, that he hated her, just to give you an idea).

Clearly, Natalie saying “no” at the altar was a good idea because hi, talk about spotting a huuuuuge red flag. But alcohol-fueled fights aside, this couple is still the epitome of messy after the altar. Naturally, they did the break-up-get-back-together dance multiple times before Natalie officially called it quits upon finding some scandy messages from (who else?) Shaina in Shayne’s DMs. The guy you gave a second chance to texting his ex? How disappointingly unoriginal.

Everyone except Natalie denied the messages exist, of course, but it was still a crucial plot point of the three-episode special, as is the fact that Shayne and Natalie obviously aren’t over each other. What makes this duo the worst isn’t their breakup, though, but it’s the fact that their relationship lowkey looks like every failed one we’ve ever had. A guy who gets mean when he’s drunk and (allegedly) lies about DMing other girls? C’mon, Netflix. We’re here for fun reality, not reality reality.

8. Jarrette and Iyanna

The only reason this couple isn’t ranked the worst is because Iyanna definitely liked the idea of being married to Jarette. I mean, she put up with every literal f*ck boy trait he exhibited in the name of the experiment, so there’s that. Truthfully, though, I don’t know if two people were ever less suited for each other. Jarrette loves to touch Iyanna; Iyanna doesn’t like being groped so much. Jarrette gives oddly wet kisses; Iyanna doesn’t like that much spit. Jarrette parties with his boys until the literal morning multiple times a week; Iyanna thinks that’s not cool because she’s an adult human with responsibilities and shows to binge. 

That’s why it was a surprise to absolutely no one when Iyanna revealed she moved out of the couple’s shared apartment. The major twist, though, was when Iyanna admitted she never really had a direct talk with Jarrette about his actions. Now I’m no relationship therapist, but communication is kind of essential in a marriage, no? I mean, what do you get when you mix an extroverted party boy with an introvert who runs away from confrontation (all while giggling nervously)? A divorce, in this couple’s case. The pair announced their split in August, which is probably great for all involved, especially the bars Jarette frequents in Chicago.

7. Nick and Danielle

As the first duo to get engaged in the pods, Nick and Danielle were one of those couples that either made you smile or made you squirm. While their eight-year age difference was A Thing at first, post-wedding it looked like they found their groove. These two weirdos couldn’t stop talking about the themed parties they hosted together (THEY’RE FUN, OKAY?!), and for a minute, we almost forgot how controlling Nick could be. I mean, he got along with her family, and the pair loved hanging out with cast members to gossip about other cast members, just like a real married couple! 

But — and here’s the thing only three rewatches in 24 hours will get you — there were signs, people. From the stiff body language to the lack of ease in conservation and this glint in Nick’s eyes when things weren’t going his way, things seemed off in a maybe scary way? If you’ve read literally any book involving a woman looking out a window, you know what I’m talking about. It wasn’t until the scene where Danielle tried to feed Nick sushi blindfolded, though, that the couple’s future split was evident. They also announced they were separating in August, and I think we should all thank that over-sauced sashimi for setting Danielle free. 

6. Shaina and Kyle

If you completely forgot that season 2’s villain lite Shaina and nice guy Kyle were once engaged, you’re not alone. Their storyline lasted for approximately five minutes before Shaina literally left a free trip to Mexico because they didn’t mesh. It mostly came down to differing religious views (not to mention a clear lack of chemistry), but neither of them seemed remotely sad that their coupling didn’t last. Their relationship was brought up like, twice, in After the Altar, and they were both completely nonchalant about it.

Truthfully, Shaina and Kyle hover in the middle of our listing simply because they bring a lot to the reality table as individuals, even if their initial pairing together felt like a joke. Plus, these two did end up in relationships at the end of After the Altar, so clearly casting was on to something when they put them in the pods. 

5. Shaina and Christos

The first new face of the season came in the form of Shaina’s now-husband, Christos. The couple got engaged on After the Altar, and Shaina wasted no time flashing her engagement ring at Natalie’s 30th birthday party—a classic mean girl move you just have to admire. Cattiness aside, Christos actually showed an impressive level of devotion when Danielle told the just-engaged couple about the swirling Shaina-Shayne DMs rumors. Instead of getting pissed or questioning his bride, Christos steadfastly had Shaina’s back. Whether or not he should is another story, but hey, at least her man is loyal!

The couple officially tied the knot in Greece this summer, and while you can’t determine much from the little bit of airtime their relationship got in After the Altar, Christos is an obvious catch. He’s a developer and restaurant owner, he’s got those mythical Greek looks, and he said he was first attracted to the sound of his wife’s voice (which is likely something not many other people can say). While Shaina might not be your favorite, this duo somehow seems pretty solid as a couple…for now, at least.

4. Mallory and Salv(ador)

Everyone knew from the start that Mal and Sal weren’t going to last, but as two relatively respectable, quieter people, they didn’t have a ton of drama throughout the show. That doesn’t make them bad, but for watchability purposes, it doesn’t make them good either. Other than some issues when Mallory and Jarrette had a moment in Mexico, these two were basically just the ill-suited ukulele couple.

Truthfully, the pair really only got interesting in After the Altar, which is why they’re ranked so high. Mallory showed more emotion in three episodes than she did the entire first part season, tearing up over the way her relationship ended. In fact, she said the experience made her recognize the walls she puts up to protect herself, so she started going to therapy. We love to see some personal growth! What made things really interesting, though, was when Sal brought his new girlfriend, Jessi, to Natalie’s birthday party. It was like a weekend getaway from hell for Mallory watching her ex make out with someone new. For a couple who provided very little entertainment before the altar, the Sallory drama officially had my attention after the “I don’ts.”

3. Salv(ador) and Jessi

Attempting to turn his “guy who plays the uke” typecast around, Sal might just be the most changed cast member of season 2. There’s so much to love about his evolution, from the savage confession that he was right not to marry Mallory to bringing his new girlfriend, Jessi with an “i”, to a weekend-long, pod squad-only getaway. And uh, speaking of Jessi, if you were straight watching the show, you have to at least be bi-curious after seeing Sal’s new boo.

According to Sal, Jessi is a “firecracker,” and according to viewers (it’s me, I’m viewers), she’s a living, breathing, crop top-wearing 10. Not only is she bold and loud and unapologetically sexy, but she appeared to be rubbing off on Sal. Case in point: While everyone else showed up to Nick and Danielle’s ‘80s party in tights and bodysuits, Jassi (Jessador?) arrived in full leather getups and joked about leaving the whip in the bedroom. Considering this was a guy who once serenaded an uninterested girl with a miniature-looking guitar, this is a major glow-up for season 2’s sweetie pie. After the Altar ended with Sal showing his siblings a ring and saying he wanted to marry Jessi, which feels fast but hey, if he doesn’t lock her down, someone else will. Go get her, bb. 

2. Deepti and Kyle

The rumored will-they won’t-they pair finally is, and the world is a brighter, happier, more love-filled place. After the Altar showed Deepti and Kyle navigating a situationship-style friendship before agreeing to be an ~official~ couple in the final moments. Even though they didn’t get engaged on the show, they were actually pretty close to it before they each made comically wrong choices in the name of love (read: Shake and Shaina). 

Still, it all worked out because these two proved the friends-to-lovers trope forever reigns supreme. If anything made watching a series of failed relationships worth it, it was the way Kyle kept kissing Deepti when she agreed to be his girlfriend. They both said this could be a forever kind of thing, so if all goes well, there just might be another season 2 LiB wedding in the making. 

1. Shake and Deepti

Hear me out: In terms of being good together, Shake and Deepti were like fire and Moira Rose’s wig wall. Deeps was all in, while Shake just couldn’t stop talking about how *not* attracted to her he was. After he finally came around and saw what was in front of him, though, I think the entire world screamed with joy when Deepti left Shake at the altar. 

So why are they the best couple? First, Shake spoke the truth in regard to the fact that everyone goes on LiB for fame. Like, I’m sorry, you’re not going to reality show auditions if you DGAF about followers, no matter how genuine you seem. But more than that, Shake’s sh*ttiness truly gave viewers the chance to cheer Deepti on. She went from being a woman who wasn’t appreciated to a role model of boundaries, independence, and self-worth. Plus, in the end, she got the hottest guy on the show and over a million followers on Instagram. If that’s not what true love stories are made of, I don’t know what is.

Images: Patrick Wymore, Adam Rose, Adrian S. Burrows Sr./Netflix; Courtesy of Netflix (9). Featured image courtesy of Getty Images.

‘Too Hot To Handle’ Star Harry Jowsey Told Us About His Dramatic Breakup

First comes Love Is Blind, then comes marriage, then comes yet another f*cking reality dating show. It’s 2020, and most of us can relate to being isolated and isolated and sex-starved, but imagine this: you’re champagne-wasted on a free beach resort vaca surrounded by super hot people…the catch is, you’re literally not allowed to hook up with anyone unless you want to lose money. Harry Jowsey, the Australian hunk from Netflix’s reality dating show Too Hot To Handle, has experienced this ~traumatic~ experience firsthand. On the most recent episode of the Let Me Finish podcast, Taylor Jackson and Abby Lloyd sat down with Harry to discuss his recent breakup, sex, and breakup sex. 

Harry and his THTH costar Francesca Farago, a Canadian model and Instagram personality, left the show together, broke up, then got engaged during the reunion special. But, in true influencer fashion, Francesca announced their second split via a YouTube video entitled “Our Break Up.” According to Harry, he was totally blindsided by the video, since he and Francesca had actually filmed a joint video explaining their breakup. “Everything was going to be civil, but she posted her video and it kinda just had a whole bunch of fabricated stories to attack me,” he said. “And I was like, I’ve got receipts and everything.” (Screenshots, screenshots, screenshots, people.)

The dramatic breakup has, understandably, been pretty tough on Harry’s mental health. In addition to anxiety attacks and a loss of appetite, he’s been getting attacked by commenters on his Instagram and TikTok accounts. “I don’t know what happened with me and Francesca because we had a great relationship, the breakup wasn’t bad, we just didn’t see eye-to-eye on a whole bunch of stuff,” he said. “Then that video got posted and then she just kept sending this tirade of hate toward me and my friends and my family, and I was like, ‘I don’t know who she’s talking to or who’s in her corner, because this isn’t the girl that I know.” As if the heart-wrenching breakup weren’t bad enough, Harry now has to call in his lawyers. “It’s gotten to a point where it’s affecting my brand…so I’m like okay, everything you’re saying is a lie, so…” We’re here for this passive aggression.

Francesca rebounded quickly, while Harry—who really is too hot to handle IRL, Abby confirms—has been easing back into the dating game. Just this weekend, he took a girl to dinner then to a party with a bunch of Gen Z TikTok stars (seems like a pretty sh*tty date idea, but that’s just me). Turns out, his date had ~history~ with one of the other guys there and ended up leaving with him, so Harry ended the night, declaring, ”Okay, I’m calling an Uber, I’m going home.” I mean, we’ve all been there. On the bright side, this means that Harry is single….He reports that he’s into tattoos, girls that text first, and post-breakup sex, so slide on into those DMs, ladies.

For more on Harry’s love and sex life, listen to the full interview on the latest episode of the Let Me Finish podcast.

Images: harryjowsey / Instagram

The Definitive Ranking Of ‘Love Is Blind’ Contestants

The Love is Blind finale dropped yesterday, and now we FINALLY know if love truly is blind, or if it just wants to sell you FabFitFun boxes on Instagram. Life’s eternal question! What’s also exciting about the fact that we now have all the Love is Blind episodes (Don’t you EVER do this network TV staggered drop sh*t to me again, Netflix) is that we finally get the full picture of our contestants. I don’t love when I’m on a contestant’s side for a solid eight hours of TV, profess my love for them in an article that you all read, and then have them zip off their skin suit in the finale to reveal they were actually the devil himself all along, and then I have to take it back. Admitting I was wrong is so not my style. I’m a Taurus, people! So now that I’ve watched all the episodes, and have a full view of who these people are, I feel confident that I can bring you all my DEFINITIVE ranking of the Love is Blind contestants, ranging from “I wouldn’t run away if I saw you in Duane Reade” to “I’m calling the police.” And if they eventually zip off their skin suit on a reunion, I will be SO MAD. 

*Also, before you carry on, SPOILER ALERT. Do not keep reading if you haven’t watched the finale yet! I don’t want to hear about it in the comments, mmkay?*

Lauren Speed

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Sooo who saw the finale episode? 👀📺✨ SO MANY emotions but the main one is happiness. ❤️ #LoveIsBlind finale streaming NOW 🥰 @netflix 📸 @lajoyphotographyllc

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Lauren is obviously the big winner in Love is Blind. She never seemed psycho, I mean, other than the fact that she got engaged on like, day four. She also realized she could still be herself, and advocate for what she believes in, despite the race of the person she married. I watched the finale episode with my mom, who had not seen any other episode, and she said of Lauren and her bridal party, “they’re all cute” which is simultaneously the nicest and only printable comment she made the whole episode, which obviously means Lauren was impressive. Plus, I’m glad she and Cam got married because I feel like the show really needed one functioning relationship to take the plunge. And yes, she said dammit in her vows and that’s when my love for her was truly cemented. Lauren, I’ll see you at Duane Reade! 

Mark Cuevas

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The finale is here. Cheers 🥂 #LoveisBlind

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Mark was too pure for this world. Even though he was the 24-year-old in a relationship with a 34-year-old, he was the one that acted like the adult. Sure, I questioned his taste when he watched Jessica share a glass of wine with her dog and he didn’t immediately call Animal Control, but we all have blindspots. I really do wish he had realized that Jessica didn’t deserve him, and that he was the one to say no at the wedding, but if that had happened we wouldn’t have gotten that sweet scene of Mark crying with his mom. *Insert heart eyes emoji*. Mark, I have a feeling you’ll be just fine without Jessica. Definitely check your DMs today. 

Kenny Barnes

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Mid-week Trajectory ⚡️ On the eve of the release of @netflix first season of #loveisblind I wanted to share some insight into my head space ⚡️ Happiness is not a matter of good fortune or worldly possession, it is a mental attitude. It derives from the appreciation of what we have and not consuming ourselves with the thought of what we do not have. Easy to comprehend, but difficult to apply on a regular basis ⚡️ In the world, within humanity, good and bad will always exist. It is up to us to cultivate life’s lessons and compel the corresponding events to occur according to plan

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“Please stop recording, Jimmy” is my new catchphrase. When my boss asks me about an assignment that I most definitely did not do? Please stop recording, Jimmy. When my aunt asks me why I’ve showed up at yet another wedding single and alone? Please stop recording, Jimmy. And when my puppy judges me for another Saturday where I don’t get out of bed until 1pm? Please stop recording, Jimmy. Thanks for the help, Kenny, I too felt “Sure, Jan” was getting a little tired. You deserved better! 

Cameron Hamilton

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The happiest day of my life.

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Let’s be real, Cameron only ranks in the middle of the pack because he was smart enough to lock down Lauren. Well, that, and he has a house. The men I go out with usually Venmo request me after our date for the cost of my two glasses of wine they were kind enough to grab from the bartender at the dive bar they took me to. They might as well also Venmo request my dignity, because that sh*t is gone now too. Anyway, as my friend said to me at the beginning of this show, Cameron is the definition of milquetoast. Which I could not agree with more, and is also why I can’t really seem to muster up feelings for this man either way. So I guess congrats, Cameron? You’re one of very few men I don’t want to run over with a car bought in cash that can’t be traced back to me. Call it a win! 

Kelly Chase 

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Are you as anxious today waiting on the #LoveIsBlind finale as I was waiting to meet what might be my now HUSBAND!?!😳 👉🏼swipe . Literally in this moment my entire body was quivering, any and every thought ran through my mind, I was sweating yet shivering, trying to practice the simple “4 square breathing technique”; the most INTENSE moment in my life…well, other than what you’ll see on the Season Finale!!!😬 . @netflix #LoveIsBlind . . #chaselifewithkelly #chaselifetogether #loveisblind #netflix #becomeabetteryou

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Kelly, I really wanted to like you. Early on in the show when you, a woman with a normal, fit body, said that you felt like you weren’t comfortable with how you looked, I could relate HARD. I wanted us to be friends. But then you picked Kenny, a pretty good dude, and then took it back. You should have just listened to your sister and married him! Take the risk! Half of marriages these days end in divorce. Why not? Being unsure certainly never stopped Kim Kardashian from getting married! This is the only time in my whole life where I’ve had to tell someone to be more like Kim Kardashian, and now I dislike you even more for that, Kelly. FOR SHAME. 

Matt Barnett

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Will I say "I do" or will my indecisiveness get the best of me. Find out next Thursday on #LoveisBlind @netflix

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When this show first started, I could not fathom a world where Barnett was not last on my list of contestants. But then he grew on me. Frat dude jokes? Bad. Playing multiple women in the pods? Very bad. A real job? Good. Responsible with money? Very good. Not leading Jessica on even though she was clearly pursuing him after the pods? Very veryyyy good. BUT. He also said yes to a marriage that seems more toxic than the water in Newark, NJ, so here we are. Barnett, please take your “most improved” ribbon, and hang it on your wall in the sad one-bedroom apartment you lease after your marriage breaks up.

Damian Powers

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Love Is Blind Season Finale airs tonight at 12am pst who’s going to be watching?

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Damian, you were one-half of my most hated relationship on this show, and the only thing you did right was not marrying Giannina. Things you did wrong include: calling yourself a gift, fighting with Gigi at a party with your friends, and constantly mentioning what Gigi was doing wrong in every single argument. Oh yeah, and apparently you f*cked her wrong too. But I’m just repeating what I heard, don’t blame the messenger! 

Amber Pike

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So many people have asked me about this dress, imma hook y’all up ladies! If y’all saw me wearing anything cute on @netflix #LoveIsBlind I definitely got it from @fashionnova! Ya girl is all about ballin on a budget! I love the #FNFit❤️😘 . . Update: everyone was so interested I had to go back in my emails from 2018 and I found the name of the dress for y’all lol I don’t think it’s available anymore but if you let FN know you want it they may bring it back 😉 -LIVIA MIDI DRESS in SAGE

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Amber doesn’t live to work, she works to live. And that’s the moment I knew I hated her. No one wants to work, Amber! But we do want to pay off our student debt! It appears Amber only wants to work to pay off her boob job. She is also the kind of person that will most definitely cut off Barnett’s genitals and throw them in a field if he does something stupid, like telling his niece that she’s the prettiest princess he ever saw. That bitch better not steal her man! 

Giannina Gibelli

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a day to remember 🦋 who’s watching the #loveisblind finale on @netflix tonight at 12 am PST ?!

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Gigi is lucky that there was someone else on this show so heinous that she narrowly missed last place. Gigi was just really not self-aware. She treated Damian terribly, and then said things like, “I always treated you with kindness.” She complained about him being on his phone, and then literally could not stop herself from checking her own phone. Also, it’s pretty rude to tell someone on camera that they are not the best sex of your life. People can hear you, Gigi! That’s what the big microphones above your head are for! And tbh, the rhyming wedding card she sent Damian is what really set me over the edge. Her only redeeming moment was when she metaphorically gave Damian his bow back. Even someone as self-centered as Gigi can recognize when someone else does something so horrifically embarrassing. 

Jessica Batten

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Finale day is here – well at least for us on the West Coast. Thanks for watching and for your love and kindness. We couldn't have imagined how much the show would resonate with so many. There's a ton that happens behind the scenes and does not make it to the screen —> this is just a glimpse. The best part of all was the little family we created called The Purple Team – even amidst the drama and entertainment element of the show, we had the best and happiest of times. I have so much love for these people. 💜 Also swipe to see footage of a really fun date over ATL! 🚁 #loveisblindnetflix #thepurpleteam #behindthescenes #grandvelas #paytonhester #melkwon #oneteamonedream

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I could literally write an entire thesis on Jessica, and I’m only not doing that because I’m in Florida and I’d rather go to the beach than relearn MLA citations for this article. First of all, Jessica cannot hold her liquor. I think we can all agree on that, considering at one point she was so drunk she told Mark that she thought Barnett was sexy, and then at the bachelorette party she attempted to order a drink and an appetizer from the performer on stage (fine, same). She claimed she wasn’t pursuing Barnett, but she invited him for wine by the fire alone. 

And then, THE FINALE. First of all, Jessica, quoting It Takes Two will not get you into my good graces this late in the game. You’ve gone too far to the dark side to even win me over with the Olsen Twins. She also says, “You will always have a special place in my heart” about her FIANCÉ! That’s literally what you say to your sh*tty first boss after you reveal you will be taking a new, higher-paying job. Not to the dude who still loved you after you bit his head off for admiring his mother. 

As she says ever so saltily after blowing up her own wedding, she will apologize to whoever she needs to apologize to. Great. I am waiting for my apology, Jessica. And I would like MLA citations. 

And that is the official ranking of the Love is Blind contestants! There better be a season two of this show, because it’s truly the only thing that makes me feel better about being single. Let me know your own rankings in the comments!

Images: Netflix; need4lspeed, markanthonycuevas_, kennybarnes11, cameronreidhamilton, chaselifewithkelly, barnettisblind, damian_powers, atypicalamber, gianninagibelli, jessicabatten24/Instagram 

The Top Moments On ‘Love Is Blind’ So Far That Prove This Show Is An Addictive Train Wreck

Please tell me you all are watching Love is Blind, Netflix’s latest reality show. PLEASE. If not, you should get on that now, because the next four episodes just dropped this morning. This article, however, is only about the first five episodes, because I am merely a human with a full-time job who just spent the last two nights binge watching this show just to bring you all my BRILLIANT and HILARIOUS takes. Am I insane to cram that much reality TV into two school nights when I also have other things going on? Yes, I am. Do I regret it? No, I don’t. Do I need a venti nonfat latte? Yes I do, and if you’re in Midtown East please bring me two, I’ll put your name in our security system. 

I guess I should actually explain the premise of this show to you instead of the details of my coffee order. Basically, men and women get to know each other without seeing what the other looks like. They talk through a wall. It is blue and shimmery, and is reminiscent of that lava lamp we all had in our rooms in 1998. It also magically makes people able to fall in love with strangers within four days. And yes, if you’re counting, we are only two months into 2020 and I’ve already watched two shows where human beings shout words at a wall to communicate with each other. My mother is very proud. Anyway, once the contestants fall in love, sight unseen, the couples get engaged, get to meet, go on a trip, and plan a wedding. It’s all about as horrifyingly awkward as you would imagine. In fact, I have been shrieking in my apartment for days. I’m pleasantly surprised none of my neighbors have called the police, but also am slightly concerned that if I’m getting murdered I’m sh*t out of luck. Oh well! But, I’m sure I’m not the only one who was left shrieking through the awkwardness, right? So let me remind you of your horror, and let’s take a look at the most shriek-worthy moments of the season so far!

Nick And Vanessa Lachey

It’s so sweet of Netflix to provide a graveyard for the C-list boy band has-beens of the world! Everyone needs a final resting place, even if they were never Justin Timberlake. So, I was fine when Nick and Vanessa showed up in the first episode, thinking they would be the hosts. But then, they didn’t appear again until the couples got to Mexico, and Vanessa seemed like she had never read lines in her life. That’s when it became very obvious to me that the Lacheys needed Netflix for a free trip to Mexico. I had to look away, I was so embarrassed for them. I have a suggestion, guys. Cash in on this fame resurgence you’re getting from Jessica’s book, pay for your own trip to Mexico, and don’t ever remind me again how pathetic you are.

I hope you held your head low when you picked up your paycheck, Lacheys

Jessica’s Baby Voice

Jessica! You are 34. You were practically alive when Kennedy was assassinated. Sienna Miller is in a movie playing a grandmother younger than that! You don’t need to sound like you walked out of your mother’s womb in 2016. It’s just not necessary. This show is called LOVE IS BLIND, not LOVE IS DEAF, so I would think you’d want to sound as normal as humanly possible. Not the case for Jess. I mean, except when she was talking to the camera and sounded like a totally capable adult woman. WHAT WAS THAT?! Perhaps this show wasn’t the only experiment going on—I think Jessica was conducting an experiment of her own. And her findings? Men do indeed LOVE a baby voice. Betches writers do not. 

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I could definitely audition for the Californians on SNL. I guess I ended up in the right place though! 📍🐻⭐️ #whyismyvoicelikethis #loveisblindseries #Californian

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Carlton In Mexico

I’m sorry, but Carlton was the worst. Not only did he walk out on women that he did not deem interesting enough when they were in the pods, he also treated his fiancée Diamond like sh*t. First, he didn’t confide in the woman to whom he got engaged that he was bisexual. AND THEN! When he did, he expected her immediate acceptance without even a discussion, and when she wanted to talk about it he screamed that her wig was sliding off. HE INSULTED HER WIG!! This is a man that producers deemed mature enough to get married within a few weeks? Honestly, I don’t know what else he said past the wig drama because, as I’ve mentioned, I was shrieking, but I’m sure it also was terrible. His behavior combined with his hat that said “Daddy” on it made it physically impossible for me to watch any of his scenes in Mexico not through my fingertips. 

Damian and Gigi’s Proposal

Look, it’s awkward enough to watch something as intimate as a proposal. Add in the barrier of a lava lamp wall, and it’s even weirder. Then, mix in the fact that these people met only days ago, and it’s nearly unbearable. And finally, have the man proposing announce “I am your gift” while wearing a bow around his wrist, and I’m honestly shocked I did not spontaneously combust into particles of blood and guts. I did nearly drop my wine bottle, though, which would have been tragic because I still had to get through Gigi proposing BACK to Damian instead of doing the sane thing and saying, “That’s so nice you think you’re a gift, but can I get mozzarella sticks instead?”. Needless to say, my wine bottle did not make it through the rest of the evening. 

Gigi’s Continued Mention of the “Days Without Sex” Memes

Day 329 without sex: I went to Starbucks just so I could hear somebody scream my name

— ryki (@ryankii) July 14, 2018

Speaking of Gigi, she is one of the main reasons my throat is hoarse this morning. The second she started quoting the “Days Without Sex” memes at dinner to Damian I thought I would never recover. We get it, you want to have sex. Can’t you just raise one eyebrow at him and say “eh?” like a socially awkward normal person? You don’t need to go saying year-old memes out loud! It’s not cool! And it still wasn’t cool when you used the same joke again at the bar with the other girls! Is this what the world is like when you don’t have access to your phone? Instead of DM’ing things, you must speak them? That’s the Bad Place. 

All The Couples Meeting for the First Time

Well this was savage. I love that the producers sent all the couples to the same hotel for their trip, and forced them to meet up with the very people that they had been dating only DAYS prior to getting engaged to someone else. Oh yeah, and they provided alcohol. If that’s not a recipe for Jessica regretting her choices fun, I don’t know what is! Jessica talking to Barnett was the most desperate thing I’ve ever seen, I could not even watch. But, I think we all might be Jessica when she returned from the night to say about the man she is SO OBVIOUSLY pining over: “he’s deeply troubled.” 

Barnett and Amber’s Entire Relationship

Is it me, or do Barnett and Amber seem like a couple from Are You The One? instead of Love is Blind? Like, if this was one of my first impression articles about contestants, it would go something like this:

Barnett: Every show has to have a douchey frat bro for Ryanne to throw herself at in their DMs, and Barnett is that guy on Love is Blind. He 100% does not want to get married, but does want to get laid as many times as possible with minimal effort. Look for him to not make the final commitment and end up hooking up with all three girls he was pursuing after the show. 

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All I'm saying is @taylorswift if you're watching and I end up single after this. Ow ow! #LoveisBlind #netflix #ukulele #taylorswift

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So I guess he’s back on the market then

Amber: Amber is the kind of girl that will ruin your life and enjoy doing it. Watch out Barnett, she’ll find you. 

Ooohh probably not for long…

So, as you can see, I totally think this will work out. Kidding! I totally think they’re going to get the police called on them, break up and get back together numerous times until one of them decides to leave the country and “find themselves”, and never hold down a real job again. Perhaps I’m being harsh, but I do say all of this after Amber bit Barnett’s arm in the bar, and he said in regular conversation “speaking of bareback…” so maybe I’m not being harsh enough. 

And that’s what stuck out to me during these first five episodes! I’m looking forward to losing my voice again tonight while watching the new episodes; hit me up in the comments and let me know what you all found shriek-worthy in Love is Blind!  

Images: Netflix; Giphy (3),  barnettisblind, jessicabatten/Instagram, ryankii/Twitter