I may be twenty *cough* years old, but no matter how many undereye wrinkles I get, one thing remains the same: I am a slut for teen dramas. Give me a hot cast, lots of sex, unrealistic plotlines, and meme-worthy dialogue, and you have yourself a fan. From Gossip Girl to Vampire Diaries, Riverdale to Pretty Little Liars, I’ve seen them all more times than I’d care to admit. The newest addition to my shameful series obsession is, of course, Netflix’s perfect scandy, soapy quarantine distraction: Outer Banks.
First thing’s first: The series, starring a couple of twenty-somethings playing teens who gained Insta-fame overnight, is solid gold. It makes sense Netflix picked it up and it makes even more sense why it was an instant success. A whole bunch of beachy high schoolers on a deadly hunt for treasure while things like parents, class status, sex, and natural disasters get in the way is the whole reason television was invented. Still, though the show is a bonafide success, just like with our other fave teen dramas, there are plenty of plot points and elements that make absolutely no sense. Gotta love how much we’ll all suspend our disbelief when it involves tanned people with daddy issues.
1. The “Teens”
This is the one aspect that the internet has really clung onto and like, I get it. The show is centered around OBXers ranging from 13 (Sarah’s sister) to 19 (her brother, Rafe) with the core crew being around 16. While that’s the perfect age for a series about first loves and eternal summer vibes, it’s not exactly the age the cast looks, which haters obsessed over. Chase Stokes (John B.) is 27, Madeline Cline (Sarah) is 22, and the rest of the Pogues are all 21.
While this is one of the biggest quips viewers had, I didn’t really give a sh*t. The industry has to do that to overcome things like age restrictions and underage employment laws, and the fact that they can all legally buy booze makes me feel a little less grimy for lusting after them. If the person who played JJ or John B. was actually 16, we’d all be going to prison right about now. Still, even I have to admit John B. looks closer to middle age than he does to graduating high school.
2. Sarah Understands Her Demons
At 16, I didn’t know what childhood trauma was, let alone that I’d spend many years and many hundreds of dollars in therapy because my parents never got me an American Girl doll. Sarah, on the other hand, seems to have a full-on grasp of her toxic trait: not getting attached to people. When Kiara confronts her about ghosting on their best friendship, Sarah said, “When people get close to me, I feel trapped and I bail. And then I blame them for it.”
While that’s a very honest response followed up with a heartfelt apology that resulted in the two reconciling, that’s not how most 16-year-old girls would act, let alone talk. She communicates clearly with John B. before (assumingly) losing her virginity and she manages to keep a level head when he talks about how he lost his, something I at 16 could not fathom doing. Unless teens now have the emotional intelligence of 30-somethings who have spent a lot of time working on themselves, I’m calling bullsh*t. At least she said she’d rather die than live without John B. him even though she knew him for like, a month. That helped tbh.
3. John B.’s MANY Escapes From Death
After getting pushed out of a tower, fleeing gunshots and criminals, evading death by both a gaff hook and a plane at the hands of his girlfriend’s father and then, of course, living through his boat capsizing during a hurricane and being FOUND and RESCUED, it’s clear John B. can’t die. I mean, if he could, he’d have been dead probably long before the series even started (or at least at the very start when he was drinking while balancing on a roof with one foot, which is literally making my palms sweaty just thinking about).
“I don’t know how many lives got left, at this point,” Chase Stokes told Bustle, indicating that even he realizes just how absurd it is that his character walked away from season one with nothing more than a concussion, a broken arm, and some majorly chapped lips.
4. Kiara Didn’t Hook Up With Anyone
It’s clear every single “teen” (lol) on the show had the hots for Kiara. JJ tried to hook up with her before, John B. kissed her and she turned him down, and it seems she ends up with Pope at the end of the first season (which might actually be the most unrealistic part of the entire series). The Kooks nod at how hot she is at the Midsummer’s ball, even if they’re being d*cks about it. Hell, there are even a few moments with Sarah when it seems like something could happen. I mean, that boat sleepover was low-key steamy.
Granted, maybe she’s just waiting for the right person and like, fine. But does she have eyes? Literally 100% of these people are hot and horny for her. Personally, I’d opt for a Sarah-John B. threesome, but that’s just me. The fact that she, a single 16-year-old (well, played by a 21-year-old) in her prime with the hottest humans in the world drooling at her feet, ONLY KISSES the person with whom she has the least sexual chemistry in the entire show with is a TRAGEDY.
5. They Find The F*cking Gold
Now, I might have been looking at my phone most of the time while watching the show, but hasn’t this treasure been missing for a long-ass time? So long, in fact, that John B.’s dad spent his entire career on the hunt and literally died looking for it? I get it — debris was sturred up after a storm, the Pogues found a key clue which led to another clue which led to them breaking into an old lady’s well and causing an Island-wide battle for the gold. Still, people’s jobs, careers, and lives were dedicated to finding the treasure for decades.
During the pilot episode, a museum worker says, “The Royal Merchant sunk in the great storm of 1829 with $400 million of British government gold on board.” People have been looking for this gold since 1829 and a group of sexually-charged teens manages to find it within a few months while also juggling family drama, budding relationships, and consuming vast amounts of alcohol? Yeah, that checks out… Finger’s crossed season two will happen and be just as juicy and far-fetched!
Images: Netflix; Giphy (3)
If there’s one thing I’m thankful for during this pandemic, it’s Netflix. The platform is consistently dropping amazing content that allows me to forget that we are at the actual end of the world, and allows me to avoid cleaning my closet like I promised I would when this whole thing started nine weeks ago. It’s a multi-tasker, unlike me. This month, Netflix dropped season two of Dead to Me, and to say I was excited is an understatement. Murder, good. Dark humor, good. Gorgeous real estate, good! What’s not to like? And I’m pleased to say the second season delivered on all counts, and got me addicted to orange wine. I’m sad I’ve binged the whole thing (the show, not the wine…maybe), but now I have countless hours alone in my house to ponder the way it ended. So, can we talk about all the lingering questions the season 2 finale of Dead to Me leaves us with? But first, I must warn you, SPOILERS AHEAD! If you don’t want to know what happens, stop reading! I’m much more of a Jen than a Judy, so if you yell at me in the comments after I warned you, I might sell you a house with a little bit of mold.
Will Ben Get Away With His Hit-And-Run?
The final scenes of the season see Jen and Judy sitting in the car, marveling at the stop sign Jen successfully got installed. And then BAM! They are T-boned by another vehicle, which turns out to be driven by a drunk, off-the-wagon Ben who immediately flees the scene. The women appear to be alive, but injured. This is definitely not the kind of boning Jen wanted from Ben.
It’s not clear whether the women realized it was Ben who hit them, so this could be next year’s season-long mystery. This accident is definitely going to weigh on Ben’s conscience, since he’s actually a nice guy, as opposed to his verbally abusive, money laundering, trashbag, formerly alive semi-identical twin. Will next season focus more on his guilt? Or will it be Jen and Judy trying to solve a crime instead of cover one up for once?
Oh precious Ben, I wish I didn’t have to hate you.
Are The Women Finally Going To Get Caught For Steve’s Murder?
This whole season was a wild ride. It began with Steve dead in Jen’s pool, and eventually revealed that she killed him, not in self-defense, but because he was an asshole. I’m no judge, but I’m pretty sure that defense is legally rock-solid. By the end of the season, Jen couldn’t take the guilt anymore, and didn’t want Judy or her son blamed for her crimes, so she goes to Detective Perez and confesses. Jen can’t find where she and Judy buried the body in the 700,000 acres of Angeles National Forest, and Perez decides to let her off the hook so this crime doesn’t ruin Jen’s family any further. That’s so sweet! I’m no cop, but I’m pretty sure they’re allowed to let off the murderers they like.
“I couldn’t help but wonder…DOES Angeles Forest have more dead bodies than trees?” pic.twitter.com/kAAwuIXGyq
— Dead To Me (@deadtome) May 15, 2020
Unfortunately for Jen, she might not have been able to find Steve’s body in the giant forest, but the dog and its owner that Jen and the detective ran into seem to have better luck. We don’t see the dog actually find the body, but we do see it furiously digging at the site that Judy marked. Personally if my dog was going crazy at what appeared to be the perfect body dump site I may have stopped her, but I guess if you’re insane enough to go hiking at dawn, maybe you don’t mind if your dog parades around with a skull in its jaw. We eventually find out that the body was unearthed from the phone call to Ben, so what will happen now? Will the body reveal Jen as the murderer? Will Detective Perez get in trouble? That hiker did see them walking around. Fingers crossed she hadn’t had her thermos coffee yet!
I promise you, though, if Jen does go to trial for this next season I’ll be screaming at my TV “If the dead guy was a twit, you must acquit!” Who’s with me?
And What About The Money Laundering?
For most of the season, Judy is concerned with getting her paintings back from Steve’s art gallery. I mean, sure, they’re cute if your vibe is Big Eyes for pedophiles, but let’s be real, Judy could paint another one pretty quickly if someone decided they just had to have a piece of art that would give them nightmares for the rest of their life. So why did she really want them back? Oh, just for the hundreds of thousands of dollars that was stashed in the frames. I guess we know how Steve was laundering money!
Jen and Judy decide to take that money to buy out Jen’s mother-in-law (her name was on the deed of Jen’s house) and also buy Charlie a car. So keeping it under the radar then, huh, ladies? Is it smart to use laundered money? I’m asking this as a serious question. I mean, every time I do my taxes I’m afraid I’ve accidentally withheld money and just sit with my hands out waiting for the IRS to come and cuff me for days, so maybe I’m not the best person to ask this question, but it seems like a bad idea! Not only is the FBI onto the money laundering scheme, but weren’t dangerous people supposed to get that money? I highly doubt that the police captain who went to jail for killing Steve is the highest ranking member of the Greek crime syndicate Steve was involved with. So, next season will we see Jen and Judy tangled up in this crime as well? Ugh. Can’t these ladies catch a break? I just want to watch them get drunk in that gorgeous backyard FOR ONCE without worrying if orange jumpsuits will wash them out.
Can You Really Kill A Man With A Small Wooden Animal?
I truly believe that Jen has a lot of rage in her. I understand. I mean, I’ve gotten as violent as she does one time at the gym when I realized I went all the way there and my headphones were in my apartment. And my husband wasn’t even killed in a hit-and-run! So, I don’t blame her. But I don’t think even Jen’s amount of rage could turn a tiny hollow wooden bird into a murder weapon. Could she have gotten a few good pecks in? Absolutely! A little neck irritation to really make him think about what he said? 100%. Murder? Lol, no. For that, she should have used the gun that she had in her possession.
I also get that perhaps it was symbolic. Steve killed Ted, Jen’s husband. Jen’s son thinks the bird is Ted. Therefore, Ted kills Steve back. Very deep. And I don’t begrudge them that. But I do think they maybe should have established that the bird was filled with lead or something. Had Henry collapse under its weight when he carries it around. Maybe talk about how in its former life Arnold Schwarzenegger used it for body building. Have someone drop it and let it make a six-foot-deep hole in the ground. Anything, really! Literally anything that would make it slightly more believable that an object so tiny would kill such an incredibly handsome grown man. I’m going to need to take a closer look at Karen’s security footage to see it for myself, and she better go get that f*cking orange wine too.
Will Charlie Keep Their Secret?
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. I hate you. Yes, your dad was murdered in the first season, your mother is a bit unstable, and you have a random woman with a disconcertingly cheery demeanor and aggressively sweet wardrobe occasionally living in your pool house, but you’re still a little sh*t. I never side with the teenagers anymore. God, I’m old, aren’t I?
This season, Charlie finds dead Steve’s very expensive car in his mother’s storage unit and decides that it’s a gift FOR HIM, takes it out, picks up his girlfriend in it, has sex, takes pictures, and then lets it run out of gas on a dead-end street. Youths! And the car isn’t the only thing he steals this season. He also has a penchant for taking weed from Judy, and it’s in her very easy to find hiding spot, that he spots the note his mother left him. We don’t exactly know what the letter says, but I can only assume it is a confession. Will Charlie keep his mom’s secret next season? I think the answer to that depends on how many cars the ladies buy him, and how many promises they make to never talk to him about STDs again.
What Is A Semi-Identical Twin?
When James Marsden showed up this season after being murdered and falling into the pool in the first season finale I thought, “That Steve was a douchebag and a strong swimmer?!” Friends, he was not a strong swimmer. This other James Marsden character was Steve’s twin, Ben. But not just a regular twin, a semi-identical twin. I know what you’re thinking, but no, that’s not what Lindsay Lohan is.
There’s nothing I love more in this world than discovering something new about twins (seriously), and according to the internet semi-identical twins are indeed a thing. And look, you don’t need me using the words fertilized, egg, and sperm in this article (whoops!) so I’ll spare you the gory details and just tell you they’re really rare, and share more genetic material than fraternal twins, and up to as much as identical twins. I cannot emphasize enough how shocked I am that Grey’s Anatomy has never used this as a plot line. You know Shonda Rhimes in isolation right now rage texting all her writers. Regardless of wtf they are, they let us keep James Marsden and for that I will always be grateful to semi-identical twins.
And those are all my burning questions after watching season 2 of Dead to Me! What did you all think of the season? Will you also be checking all of your friends’ garage freezers from now on? Let me know!
Images: Saeed Adyani / Netflix; Giphy (2); deadtome/Instagram (4); deadtome/Twitter
Stranger Things is one of my favorite shows ever. I am just so invested in all of it, and I’m super mad we waited two years for only eight episodes that I watched in one day, and now I have to wait another year to see more. Ugh. But in addition to being a love letter to ’80s sci-fi and horror movies, Stranger Things season 3 really does such a great job writing female characters. Especially considering the show’s creators are men. Normally, women in movies and TV are depicted as love interests, almost exclusively. It’s so bad that we have things like the Bechdel test to determine whether women were accurately represented in fiction as more than just objects of desire for men. A movie passes the Bechdel test if it has at least two women who talk to each other about something other than men. That’s it. And amazingly, tons of movies fail this test.
FYI? There are literally zero (0) movies that would fail if the test was graded on two men talking to each other about something other than women. Men in fiction are allowed to have interesting, complex lives, whereas women are often seen as motivators for men and nothing more. It. Is. Gross.
On that note, there are even fewer movies/shows that depict women in science, so Stranger Things is super important. Not only because it’s badass, and the writing is great, but because it’s one of the best shows that not only shows strong women, but especially strong girls, and in a male-dominated genre. And with that, here is a ranking of the 10 best feminist moments from Stranger Things season 3. It honestly was hard to just pick 10. In case you did not understand the title, THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS.
You realizing that you need to go finish the season before reading this:
10. Nancy’s Mom Being Supportive
You would hope that parents are always supportive, but as we’ve seen in the past, Mrs. Wheeler consistently drops the ball. She’s completely out of touch with what’s going on in her kids’ lives. Her interests include leading Billy on, ignoring her family, and purchasing neon swimwear. But in Stranger Things season 3, Mrs. Wheeler actually did something that was pretty cool.
When Nancy got fired from the paper for investigating a story she believed in, she confessed to her mom that her boyfriend didn’t believe in her/was angry at her, and that she’s been bullied extensively by the men in the office. Instead of being angry at Nancy for getting fired, Mrs. Wheeler stepped up and told Nancy that those men are “sh*theads, and that if she believed in the story, she just needs to do it herself. Go to a bigger newspaper, and all those men can shove it when she’s a success. It was a great moment between them and let us know that although Mrs. Wheeler seems super out of touch, even she knows that a girl’s got to stand up for herself in this male-dominated world.
9. Joyce Figuring Out Everything
Joyce is so hilarious, but even though she’s quirky and her approach is a little off, she was really the first to know (except for maybe Will) that something was seriously wrong in the universe. I loved when she was yelling at Alexei (RIP, you cherry slurpee king) about “WHY MAGNETS ARE FALLING OFF THE GODDAMN FRIDGE!” Joyce kept getting cut down by Hopper, who didn’t take her concerns seriously because he was too busy trying to get into her pants. (I’m not giving Hop an RIP because I’m convinced he lived. We never saw the body and there was that whole American thing in the Russian prison.)
But Joyce didn’t allow Hop’s agenda to distract her from her goal, and not only was she totally right, it was thanks to her that they were able to help stop the Russians and save the kids. Oh and NBD, she was the one who turned the keys to stop the Mind Flayer and close the door. Even though it meant killing someone she loved (I mean, theoretically, because I won’t accept this). She’s tough as nails.
8. Everyone Yelling At Mike
Mike is a total douchebag, I’m just going to say it. But he’s a super typical 14-year-old boy. And 18-year-old boy. And 30-year-old boy…seriously, at what age do men stop acting like this?? Mike, being male, insisted that he knew what was best for Eleven and what her limits were. I think his worry came from a good place—he didn’t want her to get hurt. But the entire group, guys and girls included, piled on him for not trusting Eleven to know her own strength. I loved that they all stuck up for her and put Mike in his place.
7. Nancy Standing Up To Old, White, Male America
Nancy’s internship really sucked. Yes, it was her job to get coffee, but the men in the office treated her like garbage and made fun of her suggestions any time she tried to help. When she discovered that there was something seriously wrong with the rats in Hawkins, they laughed in her face and called her “Nancy Drew.” They even forbade her from doing further research. But Nancy didn’t let them dissuade her, even when her boyfriend Jonathan essentially told her to back off and take it. (Which, I understand his reasoning, but also, no, f*ck off.)
She stood up to all of them and did what she knew was right, even when it resulted in her firing. And then she continued to pursue the story, which ultimately helped save the world from the Mind Flayer. I repeat: SAVE THE WORLD FROM THE MIND FLAYER. They didn’t show it, but I really hope she does pitch her story to a big Indiana newspaper and those Hawkins jackasses eat their words.
6. Eleven Dumping Mike
Eleven and Mike go through teenage romance problems, including Mike being a little bitch and lying to her. After Max’s guidance on how womankind should expect to be treated, Eleven confirms Mike’s lies, and in a scene that is nothing short of iconic, she dumps his ass—by loudly shrieking “I DUMP YOUR ASS,” which is really the only acceptable thing to say to a man who treats you as less than. It doesn’t matter that he essentially rescued her, and that they’ve saved the world together several times, even Eleven knows that lying is unacceptable in a relationship. We could all learn a lesson from her (and Max) about how to deal with f*ckboys.
5. Max Teaching Eleven The Importance Of Female Friendship
When Eleven realizes Mike is lying to her—and very poorly, I might add—she’s devastated. She turns to Max for advice, who immediately launches into action. We didn’t get to see these two interact very much last season, so it was super cool to watch them bond. Max teaches El that men ain’t sh*t, and that she’s dumped Lucas five times already for bad behavior. You go, girl. She also shows El how important it is to have female friends and to do things together that don’t involve men.
4. Robin Cracking The Code
This season, we were introduced to Robin, aka Maya Hawke, aka the child of Uma Therman and Ethan Hawke. In addition to shaming Steve Harrington for being 1) a douche, and 2) friends with A LOT of children, Robin showed up both Dustin and Steve by cracking the Russians’ code without their help. Hey, she speaks four languages! It was really cool to see her take over and get credit for such a big win, although it got her involved in a lot of unnecessary danger when she could have just been scooping ice cream all summer with no knowledge of any of this sh*t.
3. Everything About Erica
Erica is hands down my favorite character. She is so sassy and hilarious, and just happens to be a genius. It was awesome to see her run sh*t this season by being absolutely essential to the Scoops Troop’s plan. She was the only one small enough to get into the vent! In addition, though, we saw a very cool side to her: that she may very well be secretly a nerd. Her intelligence and bravery helped save the group more than once, and she was awesome at navigating the labyrinth of tunnels in the lab. Remember: you can’t spell America without Erica.
2. Robin Coming Out
EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. You never see a hot teenage girl with a potential male lead love interest without it turning into something by the end. And it almost, almost went that way. We were led to believe that Robin had a secret crush on Steve. After their adventure together, Steve tells her he was starting to have feelings for her. An American dream story. And given that Steve didn’t have a love interest this season, it was pretty obvious it was going to be her. BUT THEN. Robin clarifies that she watched Steve in their classes because the girl she liked watched Steve, and she couldn’t figure it out because he was stupid and always dropping bagel crumbs all over the place.
It was iconic. You almost never see LGTBQ characters on TV without it being a gimmick or part of the story. It’s never like, “hey, this is a complete complex person who happens to also be gay.” She and Steve had become platonic friends who she trusted to share this with. Their friendship continued afterwards, which was so cool to see, when she helped him get a job at the video store. More of this, please.
1. Eleven Carrying The Team
Every f*cking time, Eleven saves all of their asses from everything—monsters, bullies, Billy, and more monsters. This show would be lost without Eleven, which is a really interesting plot twist, btw, that she’s now lost her powers. I’m excited to see what they do with this next season. But no matter how bleak it looks, or what a rough spot they’re in, Eleven comes through and rescues all the boys, every single time. She’s a badass, and we rarely see such a strong female character who doesn’t expect a man to save her. Although I will mention that this last time, Billy did throw himself in front of her to the Mind Flayer, but as that was essential to his character arc, I’ll forgive it. And really, it was Joyce that turned off the machine and stopped the attack.
Honorable Mention: Suzie
This was such a small thing but ESSENTIAL to saving the world and stopping the Mind Flayer. Suzie—Dustin’s girlfriend from camp who we all believed was fictional—does actually exist! She is the only one out of this group of science nerds, particularly an actual adult male scientist, that knows Planck’s Constant by heart, which is the password needed to save the day. Good job, Suzie. I appreciated how she also took time to bitch Dustin out for not calling her until he needed something, and shamed him because he should know the number himself. I did not, however, appreciate the way-too-awkwardly-long musical number. There is a time and a place, people.
LMK in the comments what your favorite moments were from this season. I’m gonna go watch it again about 20 more times.
Images: Courtesy of Netflix; Giphy (9)
To be honest, I don’t know what April is even known for. April showers? April Fool’s Day? Dating Andy on Parks and Rec? (Lol jk.) No thank you to all of that. April is the perfect month to stay in your bed and watch Netflix—don’t go outside, don’t get rained on, and definitely don’t get pranked. This has been a PSA. While you’re avoiding the outside world, check out these new TV shows and movies coming to Netflix in April.
April 1st: ‘Obsessed’
Nope, this movie wasn’t a 2000s fever dream. Beyoncé and Idris Elba really did star in a C-list thriller together. It’s pretty much Fatal Attraction, but with Beyoncé and a 19% on Rotton Tomatoes. Basically, Idris Elba is tempted to cheat on Beyoncé with another woman who turns out to be a psycho stalker. I straight-up don’t understand why anyone would even consider cheating on Beyoncé *ahem* but whatevs.
April 1st: ‘P.S. I Love You’
I watched P.S. I Love You for the first time when I was 12, and I cried through the whole movie. Like, start to finish. Probably even through the credits. And for half an hour after it was done. Mopey preteen feelings aside, this movie follows Hillary Swank as she attempts to navigate life without her husband after his untimely death. He sends her letters from beyond the grave to comfort and guide her, which is super impressive considering I can barely remember to check my email during the weekend.
April 1st: ‘Spy Kids’
Some nostalgia for ya. If you’re not scarred from those weird thumb guys from childhood (or was that just me?), you should totally give this a rewatch. No one is too old to watch people playing with a bunch of cool spy sh*t, and that’s a fact.
April 1st: ‘The Fifth Element’
Not to be confused with The Sixth Sense, The Fifth Element is a Bruce Willis movie about saving the earth from aliens, and all that jazz. I honestly haven’t seen it (because I definitely thought it was the same movie as The Sixth Sense), but if you want to, it’ll be on Netflix! Lmk how it is!
April 1st: ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 1 & 2′
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 1 & 2 are both on Netflix now! You know what that means—time to call all your girls, have a sleepover, decide who’s most similar to each character, and comfort your friend when she gets upset that everyone thinks she’s Tibby. Sorry Tibby, but you kinda suck. If that doesn’t sound like your kind of night (can’t imagine why), def still watch these movies. At the very least, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants will give you hope that you’ll finally find a pair of jeans that fit.
April 2nd: Kevin Hart: ‘Irresponsible’
Kevin Hart’s fourth comedy special is coming to Netflix on April 2nd. The special is named Irresponsible, which I can only assume is a reference to his decision to cheat on his wife while she was pregnant. This special is a good watch for comedy fans and people who want to hear what he has to say for himself after cheating on his wife. Filmed in London during Hart’s latest stand-up tour, Irresponsible covers topics ranging from his son’s cell phone usage to Hart cheating on his wife. Did I mention he cheated on his wife? Moving on…
April 3: ‘The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’, Season 2
It’s back, baby! On April 3rd, The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina returns for its second season, proving that every day can be Halloween if you have a Netflix account. My friend once described this show as “like Riverdale, but less weirdly sexual and with more demons,” which seems pretty accurate. Season 2 promises to be darker than ever, which I can confirm after seeing the trailer because Sabrina is now a platinum blonde. We’ve all gone through this phase.
April 5th: ‘Unicorn Store’
If you need more Brie Larson in your life after watching Captain Marvel (same), her directorial debut Unicorn Store comes to Netflix on April 5th. Aimless after getting kicked out of school, Larson’s character Kit moves back in with her parents and takes a sh*tty office temp job. When she meets a man who promises to sell her what she wants most, Kit goes full horse girl and quits her job to buy a unicorn. The trailer is full of relatable lines like “I don’t know how to be a grown-up” and “my parents think that I’m insane.”
April 5th: ‘Legacies’, Season 1
The first season of Legacies, the
87th second spin-off of The Vampire Diaries, comes to Netflix on the 5th if you’re into that kind of thing. And by “that kind of thing” I mean supernatural teen TV dramas. I’m trash and I’ll watch 90% of what the CW makes, so this one is a yes from me. It’s about a boarding school for supernatural teens—I could’ve sworn I’ve seen a show or five about that, but I can’t think of any right now, so maybe not.
April 5th: ‘Our Planet’
Planet Earth, but make it Netflix. This is the kind of content you watch stoned on your couch at 3am when you want to be reminded of the earth’s natural beauty. Throughout the course of its eight episode run, Our Planet also promises to showcase the impact of climate change on all aspects of natural life. Sad! But like, actually. Maybe watch this with that one friend who says sh*t like “If global warming is real, then why is it snowing?” BECAUSE IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO SNOW IN JUNE, BECKY.
April 10th: ‘New Girl’, Season 7
If you missed the seventh and final season of New Girl while it was airing, never fear! It arrives on Netflix on April 10th. You might be excited about this, but my friend has a real-life shrine to Nick Miller on her desk at work, so I can guarantee that you are less excited than her. I’ve seen the season already, and while some of the previous seasons are better, it’s definitely worth watching just to see how all the characters end up. Or to get new material for your Nick Miller shrine.
April 12th: ‘The Perfect Date’
Noah Centineo returns to Netflix and your thirsty Twitter feed, probably, with The Perfect Date. If you need more convincing than “Noah Centineo,” it also has a plot and stuff. In an attempt to make money, Noah Centineo creates an app that basically lets him pimp himself out to high school girls who need dates. That’s cool and all, but in the trailer, he keeps saying he needs enough money to “get into Yale,” which, sorry bb, is not how it works (unless you’re Olivia Jade). Regardless, I will be watching this one for SURE.
April 19th: ‘Someone Great’
Someone Great stars Gina Rodriguez as a New York journalist who gets a job in San Fransisco. Confirming what we all knew to be true (MEN. ARE. TRASH.), her boyfriend of nine years (9!!) then breaks up with her so he doesn’t have to try long distance or move. Yeah, long distance never works, but still. Not a cute look for him. The rest of the movie follows Rodriguez’s final night out with her girls. Three cheers for female friendship! The trailer is set to “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo, so you KNOW it’s going down.
April 24th: ‘Bonding’
This seven-episode series is about a recently reunited pair of high school best friends named Tiff and Pete. Wholesome, right? Welllllllllll. It turns out Tiff is a dominatrix, and Pete gets swept into her world after agreeing to be her assistant. There are a lot of very cool latex ~lewks~ in this series if you’re looking for Halloween (or general life) inspo. Bonus, the episodes range from 12 to 18 minutes, so you could prob binge it in like, an hour (don’t check my math on that).
Images: Nicole Honeywill / Unsplash; Giphy (6)
The February slump is upon us, which means we have nothing better to do then succumb to Netflix’s latest additions: murder, musicals, and virgins. I’m not sure why February took such a dark turn Netflix-wise, but I mean maybe that’s just reflexive of the state of our world, you feel me? Anyways, without further ado, here are this month’s latest and greatest additions to Netflix.
In one of Netflix’s latest TV endeavors, Natasha Lyonne plays a woman named Nadia who legit can’t stop dying. On the evening that she’s made to be the guest of honor at a party in New York City, she dies – and then wakes up again. She does this a few times on repeat before wondering what the f*ck is going on. The comedy series co-created by Lyonne herself and Amy Poehler is sure to have you laughing for all the wrong reasons. So what, you’re a terrible person? We all are these days.
So apparently men who stalk and murder women are in this season! Originally a podcast (where all great true crime stories start), this real-life story follows Debra Newell, an interior designer looking for a man after four (yes four) failed marriages. She finds John Meehan, an anaesthesiologist with an overly promising online dating profile. He turns out to like, a sociopath. What exactly he does, though, you’ll have to watch and find out. But I’m just saying, this sh*t better be worth Connie Britton killing herself off Nashville and simultaneously ruining the entire concept of the show.
The year is 2093 and Kompass Kardashian rules planet Earth. Not actually, but like would you be surprised? A bunch of nerds board a ship called, you guessed it, the Nightflyer to go try and talk to aliens. How arrogant of them to think aliens want to hear from us. Well, they find out pretty f*cking quickly that they don’t. This is basically that episode of Black Mirror when they’re in the spaceship video game, but instead of them living happily ever after fighting off aliens, they all get brutally murdered.
ReMastered: The Two Killings of Sam Cooke
Clearly Netflix is picking up on the fact that we’re all grossly obsessed with true crime stories (hey did you know we have a true crime podcast? Cause like, you should). Sam Cooke was a soul singer who also had immense socio-political power during the Civil Rights movement. A woman named Bertha Franklin murdered him in a motel, but to this day, the story doesn’t seem to add up. His family and fans have pushed to investigate whether or not his murder was in fact politically motivated due to his rise in influence. Get ready to fall down the rabbit hole with this one. Start your engines, and may the best theory win!
Adapted from a comic book series, this Netflix Original takes the idea of superhero family just about as far from The Incredibles as humanly possible. 43 women give birth having not been pregnant like, the minute before (can you spell nightmare?). Only six of them survive and end up becoming the children of a sketchy old man who trained them to unlock their given superpowers. The show takes place 17 years after the adoption, when the man is murdered. The Umbrella Academy siblings must then reform to save the world. And you thought your family was f*cked up.
If watching Zac Efron take Troy Bolton to ’60s Baltimore isn’t reason enough to watch this iconic film, I will give you a second: Nikki Blonsky. Her fans (often referred to as “Blonskinators” or collectively as “Blonskyland”) worship the should-have-been it girl of 2007 on Twitter and Instagram. This bitch will never let you f*cking forget that she was Tracy Turnblad in Hairspray with Amanda Bynes and Queen Latifah. I can’t decide what’s better: her singing “Good Morning Baltimore” in her half-lit bedroom on Instagram live, or that legitimately not one of her co-stars follow her back, but she’ll still post congratulatory posts for Amanda Bynes getting her sh*t back together. Oh, and the music is really good.
How could you not love a movie that promotes healthy masculinity, shows a lead male pursuing a non-stereotypical career, and supports the LGBTQ community? *Steps off soapbox* Billy Elliot is a pre-teen going through the dilemma of being an un-athletic boy. After getting the sh*t beat out of him in a boxing ring, he stumbles upon a ballet class and finds himself really enjoying the opportunity to dance. The film follows Billy as he tries to convince legit everyone that boys can dance too (even though people are super ignorant and homophobic towards him – please tell me what’s changed). I won’t spoil it for you, but what I will say is that after watching this movie you’re going to be dying to see the musical adaptation.
The 40-Year-Old Virgin
Also known as Colton Underwood. Although slightly depressing in concept, this Steve Carell movie actually reminds you that he’s someone who does comedy – cause like, have you seen his latest sh*t? It’s dark. AF. Anyways, in this movie, Carell plays a lonely electronics salesman named Andy. Andy really loves action figures and video games, but his friends just want him to get f*cking laid already (side note: WHERE WERE THESE FRIENDS AT 30??). They eventually find him Trish, and the rest is history.
A large percentage of the male population would consider watching American Pie their sexual awakening. So that’s the type of movie you’re getting here. My ex-boyfriend used to actually quiz me on the order of every American Pie sequel and saga (hence, ex). In a quest to all lose their virginities (do we have a theme here this month?), five friends attempt to court girls grossly out of their league. This movie involves a lot of nudity, so not really one to watch on an airplane or at your Grandma’s house. Also, this was released in 1999 and the biggest ~scandal~ in it is a webcam link going on an all-school email. Twenty years later and we have to deal with revenge porn all over the internet. God I hate 2019.
I don’t know whom the f*ck was on crack when they thought of this movie title, but like that’s the least of our worries here. To explain the inexplicable, a woman named Josephine finds an old man dead in her apartment complex and therefore decides to go through his stuff (logic is so far out the window). She finds his artwork and decides to show it to her artsy friends Morf and Rhodora to get their opinions. The two fall in love with the work and see its market value, obvs deciding they want to make big bucks off this dead guy. Pretty soon though, sh*t hits the fan when the artwork starts to murder people. Yea, you read that right. Although it’s listed as a supernatural horror film, this movie also has a strange comedic commentary on the absurdity of the art world and money attached to it. How fun?
Images: Shutterstock, Giphy (6)
We get it, there’s a lot of shows to watch out there. But sometimes murder docs and reality shows are exhausting and you just want to turn your brain off and laugh. After Ali Wong’s killer Baby Cobra special came out on Netflix, we looked at Netflix comedy in a whole new light. It was like seeing Laney Boggs take off her glasses for the first time – wow, maybe Netflix is the new prom queen of comedy? Anyways, if you’re in the mood for stand-up, here are some specials currently on Netflix you should catch up on if you know what’s good for you.
1. Rory Scovel Tries Standup for the First Time
Rory Scovel is probably one of the most underrated comedians right now, because he’s killer but isn’t a household name outside comedians just yet. Don’t worry, he’s going to be, so get on board now. He was just in The House, which we didn’t watch, but he made it to the trailer so that’s a good sign. Anyways, watch this special because he manages to be both sweet and absurd at the same time. He starts this off by asking the audience if they’ve ever done anal, and it goes on for far too long, but it works because you can tell he truly doesn’t care what the audience thinks, and that is the hottest thing of all. We approve of anyone who does not need our approval.
2. Colin Quinn: The New York Story
You’d think this would be like watching your dad do standup, but it’s more like watching your grumpy neighbor living in the one rent-controlled apartment in your building do standup. He’s funny and he is unapologetic about what he finds funny, despite touching on stereotypes and the (ugh) idea of “political correctness”. He doesn’t give AF about offending people, but he’s also not a shitty person so it like, works. Much like how we at Betches know that it’s okay to judge someone for who they are as long we judge everyone and believe us, we do. Also if you have lived in New York for a while you’ll like this special.
3. John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid
Mulaney is def a middle of the road comic, but in a good way. You know how sometimes you literally just want a grilled chicken Casesar salad, and then you order it and it’s like one of the best salads you’ve ever had? It’s like ordering pad thai at a Thai restaurant every time. You know what you’re going to get, and it’s still good. Mulaney is a strong joke writer and the structure of his special is tight while also making you feel like you’re in a chill conversation with him. He’s safe, but not like in a boring way. More like safe in the sense that you have an IUD and you’ve been with your boyfriend for 2 years but he’s still hot AF to you.
4. Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King
The Daily Show correspondent and very quickly rising star Hasan Minhaj kills it in this special. He talks about being an immigrant without being hacky, which is like a feat considering how many ill-advised Hollywood execs still think a gong noise is an appropriate punchline. You’ll fall in love with him as he talks about his family conflicts and serious shit in the funniest way possible. He’s a great storyteller and you’ll start to wonder if he could be your plus one to that wedding you have to go to next month. Anyways, watch this shit because he’s from The Daily Show for God’s sake.
5. Maria Bamford: Old Baby
Normally the term quirky is reserved for our ugliest friend, but in Maria Bamford’s case it is a thing to be celebrated. In case you missed her last special (The Special Special Special!) where she performed for her parents, Bamford’s style is on paper what we’d call “weird” but in reality it’s done in a way that’s so funny even the made up cheerleader in Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me” would find Maria funny. She switches up her audience by performing for strangers in the park to her husband and it still works every time. As betches we always say there’s no need to change who we are because we’re perfect, and Maria takes this to the next level.
6. Lucas Bros: On Drugs
These chill AF twins are highly underrated, but it’s probably because of how chill they are. You might recognize them from 22 Jump Street or their Lucas Bros. Moving Co. animated show from a few years ago. They are the epitome of stoners without the high strung anxiety of bearded straight white male comics. Their signature style of mumbling over each other while still hitting with wry punchlines makes this special one to watch while you’re getting high on your couch. Here’s a chill line from their special: “You should never do shrooms with a guy that looks like you, man.”
7. Trevor Noah: Afraid of the Dark
We love Trevor Noah for his role as host on The Daily Show, but he really shines when he’s on the stage doing his own material. Usually we would be opposed to the new girl in school telling us what’s wrong with us, but Trevor makes profound observations about America without like harshing our vibe. He’s like the big sister who gives us the same advice our friends do about boys, but when she says it we actually listen. He’s charming, funny, smart, and the special flows with strong storytelling that makes this worth watching.
8. Jen Kirkman: Just Keep Living?
We love Jen and if you don’t follow her on Twitter already you definitely should. She leans into the angry feminist stereotype in a tongue in cheek way while still championing relatable issues we struggle with. She talks about getting cat called and how shitty it is when men ask her where her boyfriend is, and honestly we agree with all of it. We also like that she makes bad decisions, like getting a tattoo of a Matthew McConaughey quote, and having zero regrets about it.
9. Chelsea Peretti: One of the Greats
This special has been out for a while but it deserves more attention. You might know Chelsea from Brooklyn Nine Nine, and honestly more people should be aware of her. She’s married to Jordan Peele and that should be an indication of how funny and chill she is. She’s like a BSCB that’s chill at the same time, and her bit about girls who post “no makeup” selfies is spot on.
READ: The Best Things to Stream On Netflix This Summer When It’s Too Hot To Move
It’s hot out, which means when you’re not at the pool getting day drunk, you’re watching Netflix and literally trying to chill. We’re officially at the part in the summer where the Sun goes from being a fun source of great lighting to a demon that is trying to ruin your makeup by inducing copious amounts of sweat. Some days, it’s just like, not possible to leave the air conditioned sanctuary of your apartment. We get it. TBH, when the temperature hits around 90 degrees, you should be allowed to call out sweaty from work. You’d be doing everyone a favor. On an unbearably hot day, there’s nothing better than just chilling on your couch, half naked, streaming television until Netflix is prompted to ask if you’re still there. Thank God Game of Thrones is back, but that’s only one night a week, and if tits and dragons aren’t your thing, don’t worry because here’s what’s on Netflix that you should definitely watch this summer.
Alison Brie is basically bizarro Anne Hathaway. She’s like, if Anne Hathaway was self-aware and knew how annoying she was, instead of just pretending to be self-aware so that we’ll stop being mean to her. (Not gonna happen, Anne. Sorry.) We low-key loved to hate her in Mad Men, and then she redeemed herself by acting TF out of everything else she’s been in since. This show is about female wrestlers, which sounds unbetchy at first, but it’s self-aware (there’s that word again) and hilarious and everybody dresses like a slut and does a lot of drugs, which gets our kiss of approval. Plus, Betty Gilpin is amazing in this as Debbie, the hot blonde best friend. We’re sure Halloween is going to see a lot of sexy wrestler costumes this year, and honestly, we don’t hate it.
2. Oh Hello
If you don’t live in New York or LA or one of the limited cities this show’s traveled to (we were too lazy to look up what those were), then you’re in luck because you can watch the TV version of John Mulaney and Nick Kroll’s underground hit Broadway show Oh Hello. It’s adorable and weird in the best way, and reminds you of that time in high school you got super into Broadway musicals and tried to join theater before realizing everyone was a freak so you joined cheer instead. Anyways, these gentlemen are fun to watch and you can watch this on a third date if you’re looking for a chill comedy to put on while deciding if you’re going to make out with him or not.
Honestly, Moana is better than Frozen and any little girl who says otherwise is basic. Sorry, but it’s true. This movie is on Netflix, which means you can and should rewatch it or watch it for the first time if you haven’t before. Moana is a betch for sure. She has great hair, doesn’t listen to her parents, looks great in a bikini, and is like, very tan. Plus, The Rock is in this and he sings so I really don’t need to say anymore.
4. Orange is the New Black Season 5
A show about betches who fucked up but still can’t learn their lesson. If you haven’t already watched the first 4 seasons, what are you even doing? Catch up on OITNB because it’s basically what made Netflix golden in the original series market. Plus, Piper, much like us, believes in the saying: Better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission.
5. Friends from College
TBH we don’t know if this is any good, so you can write us a Yelp review about it if you know. But this stars Keegan Michael Key and Cobie Smulders, both of whom we like, so maybe it’s worth a shot. It’s about friends who went to Harvard, and are still like… friends. Sounds a lot like Friends, which we liked, I guess. The Harvard thing is like, meh, but Rachel Bloom in Crazy Ex Girlfriend went to Harvard and that show is hilarious. So maybe it’s a thing.
We like to think this is in the same universe as Titanic, if Kathy Bates made it to America and started a weed dispensary. Well, the timeline is a little off there, but movies are fake so whatevs. This show is an office comedy about working at a weed dispensary. Although it comes from showrunner Chuck Lorre, who created Two and a Half Men and The Big Bang Theory, so expect a lot of corny jokes your mom will probably like more than you.
Since this series is now on Netflix, you don’t have to babysit a pre-teen just to watch the CW. This show is surprisingly good, even though Betty and Veronica are poorly cast (and dressed, sorry we had to say it), Archie is a fox and it’s on par with Pretty Little Liars. We’re into it, and you can binge it on Netflix.
8. Lady Dynamite Season 2
Maria Bamford has one of the best specials we’ve ever seen, so naturally, we’re going to watch season 2 of her show. She’s basically Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter if she were a real person, or if Jess from New Girl got older and less annoying. Maria’s quirky not for the attention, but just for survival. We love her and we think this will be great.