First comes Love Is Blind, then comes marriage, then comes yet another f*cking reality dating show. It’s 2020, and most of us can relate to being isolated and isolated and sex-starved, but imagine this: you’re champagne-wasted on a free beach resort vaca surrounded by super hot people…the catch is, you’re literally not allowed to hook up with anyone unless you want to lose money. Harry Jowsey, the Australian hunk from Netflix’s reality dating show Too Hot To Handle, has experienced this ~traumatic~ experience firsthand. On the most recent episode of the Let Me Finish podcast, Taylor Jackson and Abby Lloyd sat down with Harry to discuss his recent breakup, sex, and breakup sex.
Harry and his THTH costar Francesca Farago, a Canadian model and Instagram personality, left the show together, broke up, then got engaged during the reunion special. But, in true influencer fashion, Francesca announced their second split via a YouTube video entitled “Our Break Up.” According to Harry, he was totally blindsided by the video, since he and Francesca had actually filmed a joint video explaining their breakup. “Everything was going to be civil, but she posted her video and it kinda just had a whole bunch of fabricated stories to attack me,” he said. “And I was like, I’ve got receipts and everything.” (Screenshots, screenshots, screenshots, people.)
The dramatic breakup has, understandably, been pretty tough on Harry’s mental health. In addition to anxiety attacks and a loss of appetite, he’s been getting attacked by commenters on his Instagram and TikTok accounts. “I don’t know what happened with me and Francesca because we had a great relationship, the breakup wasn’t bad, we just didn’t see eye-to-eye on a whole bunch of stuff,” he said. “Then that video got posted and then she just kept sending this tirade of hate toward me and my friends and my family, and I was like, ‘I don’t know who she’s talking to or who’s in her corner, because this isn’t the girl that I know.” As if the heart-wrenching breakup weren’t bad enough, Harry now has to call in his lawyers. “It’s gotten to a point where it’s affecting my brand…so I’m like okay, everything you’re saying is a lie, so…” We’re here for this passive aggression.
Francesca rebounded quickly, while Harry—who really is too hot to handle IRL, Abby confirms—has been easing back into the dating game. Just this weekend, he took a girl to dinner then to a party with a bunch of Gen Z TikTok stars (seems like a pretty sh*tty date idea, but that’s just me). Turns out, his date had ~history~ with one of the other guys there and ended up leaving with him, so Harry ended the night, declaring, ”Okay, I’m calling an Uber, I’m going home.” I mean, we’ve all been there. On the bright side, this means that Harry is single….He reports that he’s into tattoos, girls that text first, and post-breakup sex, so slide on into those DMs, ladies.
For more on Harry’s love and sex life, listen to the full interview on the latest episode of the Let Me Finish podcast.
Images: harryjowsey / Instagram
Right now there’s nothing I’m looking forward to more than Netflix dropping its new trashy reality dating show, Too Hot To Handle. Well, I’m also looking forward to the day I can leave my house and enjoy the company of another human person, but I don’t dare to dream that impossible dream. So reality TV it is! Earlier this week I watched the trailer and determined that Too Hot To Handle is going to be the successor to Love is Blind, only with more alcohol, a cash prize, and a robot named Lana who will shame the contestants when they try to get away with playing “just the tip”. She’s not mad, she’s just disappointed. So, who are these lucky contestants that get to keep it in their pants for cash? Let’s break them down!
Chloe Veitch, Essex, United Kingdom
Chloe is a model who is only 19. Wow, Netflix. Was this filmed on Jeffrey Epstein’s island? I’m calling the police. Anyway, since Chloe is so young, look for her to not be able to hold her liquor and slur profess her undying love for the first boy that carries around a skateboard and tells her he doesn’t subscribe to relationship labels. In fact, her bio says, “She once fell head over heels for someone and after only two weeks she got a tattoo on her collarbone of the date they met”. Let’s hope there are no tattoo artists on this island!
David Birtwistle, London, United Kingdom
David is, obviously, a personal trainer with a health and nutrition guide titled “Fat Loss Plan.” Well, I guess It’s always good to know they’re not creative right out of the gate, right? David also has the longest Instagram captions that I have ever seen, so I’m sure he will be mansplaining all the rules to the women like, “Now see that robot over there? A robot is a machine that can talk, by the way. The robot said that on this island we will not be able to do any sexual activity if we want to win money. Now, sexual activity includes kissing and sex, but she never specifically said that you couldn’t suck my dick so best to get on with it, then.”
Francesca Farago, British Columbia, Canada
Francesca eats plant-based so she is probably f*cking miserable to be around, but she definitely looks great in a bikini! And in lingerie. And topless. All of which are looks that Francesca models on her Instagram. According to her Netflix bio, Francesca is a “free spirit and a thrill-seeker” who is “not afraid to break the rules.” Uh-oh. So basically, Francesca ends up disobeying Lana on night one, and though she goes home early, she goes home satisfied.
Haley Cureton, Florida, United States
It looks like Netflix was smart enough to forage for contestants in a dumpster at the Jacksonville Hooters! Never say these casting directors don’t know what they’re doing. Haley is a business student and volunteers at an animal shelter in her free time. How sweet! Also, according to her bio, she “once got a tattoo done in an ‘unknown language’—to this day she still doesn’t know what it says.” I can’t make this up! Florida, you never fail to deliver. Haley is also open to exploring relationships with both men and women, which is going to make this game an awful lot harder for her. Best of luck to you Haley, you never even had a chance!
Harry Jowsey, Queensland, Australia
Damn, Harry already has almost 150k followers, and I can’t seem to figure out why. Maybe it’s because he’s 6’5”? He calls himself a “giraffe on ice” in his bio, so obviously he knows comedy. Netflix warns that he turns heads as soon as he walks onto the island, so look for Harry to lose the group a ton of money, but make a joke about it, and have everyone still patting him on the back as he turns their bank account red.
Kelechi Dyke, London, United Kingdom
Kelechi is 6’6”. What is with this height listing? We get it! You all have big d*cks! I’m so happy for you! Now, if only you didn’t wear that Gucci crossbody bag everywhere, Kelechi, maybe I would care more. I swear if he brings that to the island, he’s the winner. That thing is a modern-day chastity belt.
Matthew Smith, Colorado, United States
Matthew has a man bun, competed for America’s Next Top Model, CARRIES A SKATEBOARD, and has many mottos, one of which is, “I skinny dip in every sea anywhere I go.” Oh, poor Chloe. He is going to neg you all season, sweetheart. Matty is 1,000% in this for the fame, so I’m sure we’ll see him displaying his range of emotions in the hopes of getting cast as Jesus in a Mel Gibson epic when this is over, but instead only landing bit parts like “dead carpenter #3” on Law & Order: SVU. Hey, he could do worse!
Nicole O’Brien, County Cork, Ireland
Too Hot To Handle has not even dropped yet, and Nicole has already set up a Cameo where you can book her for $35. A little rich for someone with less than 10k Instagram followers, no? She must be very confident in her edit. Which probably means she’s the villain who goes after everyone else’s man. She did, apparently, work on yachts “in Chicago for two years hosting Kanye West, Justin Bieber, and Jay-Z,” so if that doesn’t make you an expert in attention whore behavior, I don’t know what does. Oh, and she definitely speaks with a breathless sexy baby voice. Just a hunch, but man, she looks the type.
Rhonda Paul, Georgia, United States
In the trailer, Rhonda says she would rate herself a 10 out of 10, and it’s hard to disagree. Normally I hate people who are so arrogant, but they’re way more fun on a reality show than watching someone mumble into the mirror “you repulse me.” I already get enough of that at home! Rhonda claims she is “bored” with the dating scene in Atlanta. A girl that is bored with the dating scene is either me a girl who spends her Friday nights re-watching old Degrassi episodes on YouTube while wearing a shirt with three-day-old pizza sauce stains on it, or a girl who has banged her way through an entire city’s worth of men. I’ll let you guess which one Rhonda probably is.
Sharron Townsend, New Jersey, USA
And, because no trashy reality show is complete without a contestant from my very beautiful home state of New Jersey, we have Sharron. Sharron is a personal trainer and professional kids wrestling coach who likes hitting on the moms and is apparently incredibly comfortable with nudity. Expect him to be the exhibitionist who somehow never has a towel nearby when he gets out of the shower! Where could it have gone?? But in his defense, Sharron says he was born naked, and he’ll die naked. And you can’t die naked if you’re not ALWAYS naked. He won’t be taking the risk of wearing clothes, no thank you.
Bryce Hirschberg, California, USA
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Will I ever move off the boat? Not unless I can match this morning view 😍
Bryce lives in Marina del Rey. He looks like a male model and mediocre actor. And he could definitely hang a TV in seven minutes. I think we all know what that means. I predict that while Bryce is a loser on Too Hot To Handle, when he comes home, Scheana Shay slides into his DM’s and they become BEST FRIENDS. He has sex with her once. And then he spends the rest of his life unsuccessfully trying to extract himself from her death grip. The end!
Kori Sampson, Hertfordshire, United Kingdom
Kori is also a male model and personal trainer! Shocking! His guide is called “Lean Lifestyle”, for which I will award higher creativity points solely for the use of alliteration. I do wish all these contestants would stop shoving their healthy plans down my throat, though, because I will be binge-eating chocolate covered Oreos while binge-watching this show, and you can’t stop me!
Lydia Clyma, London, United Kingdom
Lydia seems to be some kind of ring girl for boxing? Is that what it’s called? I’m more of a baseball fan and I don’t watch Total Bellas, so the breadth of my knowledge on this topic is v limited. But I think it means she likes watching grown men beat the sh*t out of each other, right? I assume this will help Lydia on the island very much, she’ll stir the pot just so the men fight over her and she can feel like she’s home again for a few beautiful seconds. Evil strategy, but I like it.
Madison Wyborny, California, USA
Madison is a model who is quarantining in Bali. So, and I mean this with all my heart, f*ck you Madison, I hope you lose.
And those are our Too Hot To Handle contestants so far! May the odds be ever in their favor, and may they all make fools of themselves on tv for my entertainment.
Images: Netflix; chloeveitchofficial, david.birtwistle, francescafarago, haley.cure, harryjowsey, kelechidyke, matthewstephensmith, nicole.ob, imrhondapaul, sharrontownsendofficial/ Instagram
Please tell me you all are watching Love is Blind, Netflix’s latest reality show. PLEASE. If not, you should get on that now, because the next four episodes just dropped this morning. This article, however, is only about the first five episodes, because I am merely a human with a full-time job who just spent the last two nights binge watching this show just to bring you all my BRILLIANT and HILARIOUS takes. Am I insane to cram that much reality TV into two school nights when I also have other things going on? Yes, I am. Do I regret it? No, I don’t. Do I need a venti nonfat latte? Yes I do, and if you’re in Midtown East please bring me two, I’ll put your name in our security system.
I guess I should actually explain the premise of this show to you instead of the details of my coffee order. Basically, men and women get to know each other without seeing what the other looks like. They talk through a wall. It is blue and shimmery, and is reminiscent of that lava lamp we all had in our rooms in 1998. It also magically makes people able to fall in love with strangers within four days. And yes, if you’re counting, we are only two months into 2020 and I’ve already watched two shows where human beings shout words at a wall to communicate with each other. My mother is very proud. Anyway, once the contestants fall in love, sight unseen, the couples get engaged, get to meet, go on a trip, and plan a wedding. It’s all about as horrifyingly awkward as you would imagine. In fact, I have been shrieking in my apartment for days. I’m pleasantly surprised none of my neighbors have called the police, but also am slightly concerned that if I’m getting murdered I’m sh*t out of luck. Oh well! But, I’m sure I’m not the only one who was left shrieking through the awkwardness, right? So let me remind you of your horror, and let’s take a look at the most shriek-worthy moments of the season so far!
Nick And Vanessa Lachey
It’s so sweet of Netflix to provide a graveyard for the C-list boy band has-beens of the world! Everyone needs a final resting place, even if they were never Justin Timberlake. So, I was fine when Nick and Vanessa showed up in the first episode, thinking they would be the hosts. But then, they didn’t appear again until the couples got to Mexico, and Vanessa seemed like she had never read lines in her life. That’s when it became very obvious to me that the Lacheys needed Netflix for a free trip to Mexico. I had to look away, I was so embarrassed for them. I have a suggestion, guys. Cash in on this fame resurgence you’re getting from Jessica’s book, pay for your own trip to Mexico, and don’t ever remind me again how pathetic you are.
I hope you held your head low when you picked up your paycheck, Lacheys
Jessica’s Baby Voice
Jessica! You are 34. You were practically alive when Kennedy was assassinated. Sienna Miller is in a movie playing a grandmother younger than that! You don’t need to sound like you walked out of your mother’s womb in 2016. It’s just not necessary. This show is called LOVE IS BLIND, not LOVE IS DEAF, so I would think you’d want to sound as normal as humanly possible. Not the case for Jess. I mean, except when she was talking to the camera and sounded like a totally capable adult woman. WHAT WAS THAT?! Perhaps this show wasn’t the only experiment going on—I think Jessica was conducting an experiment of her own. And her findings? Men do indeed LOVE a baby voice. Betches writers do not.
Carlton In Mexico
I’m sorry, but Carlton was the worst. Not only did he walk out on women that he did not deem interesting enough when they were in the pods, he also treated his fiancée Diamond like sh*t. First, he didn’t confide in the woman to whom he got engaged that he was bisexual. AND THEN! When he did, he expected her immediate acceptance without even a discussion, and when she wanted to talk about it he screamed that her wig was sliding off. HE INSULTED HER WIG!! This is a man that producers deemed mature enough to get married within a few weeks? Honestly, I don’t know what else he said past the wig drama because, as I’ve mentioned, I was shrieking, but I’m sure it also was terrible. His behavior combined with his hat that said “Daddy” on it made it physically impossible for me to watch any of his scenes in Mexico not through my fingertips.
Damian and Gigi’s Proposal
Look, it’s awkward enough to watch something as intimate as a proposal. Add in the barrier of a lava lamp wall, and it’s even weirder. Then, mix in the fact that these people met only days ago, and it’s nearly unbearable. And finally, have the man proposing announce “I am your gift” while wearing a bow around his wrist, and I’m honestly shocked I did not spontaneously combust into particles of blood and guts. I did nearly drop my wine bottle, though, which would have been tragic because I still had to get through Gigi proposing BACK to Damian instead of doing the sane thing and saying, “That’s so nice you think you’re a gift, but can I get mozzarella sticks instead?”. Needless to say, my wine bottle did not make it through the rest of the evening.
Gigi’s Continued Mention of the “Days Without Sex” Memes
Day 329 without sex: I went to Starbucks just so I could hear somebody scream my name
— ryki (@ryankii) July 14, 2018
Speaking of Gigi, she is one of the main reasons my throat is hoarse this morning. The second she started quoting the “Days Without Sex” memes at dinner to Damian I thought I would never recover. We get it, you want to have sex. Can’t you just raise one eyebrow at him and say “eh?” like a socially awkward normal person? You don’t need to go saying year-old memes out loud! It’s not cool! And it still wasn’t cool when you used the same joke again at the bar with the other girls! Is this what the world is like when you don’t have access to your phone? Instead of DM’ing things, you must speak them? That’s the Bad Place.
All The Couples Meeting for the First Time
Well this was savage. I love that the producers sent all the couples to the same hotel for their trip, and forced them to meet up with the very people that they had been dating only DAYS prior to getting engaged to someone else. Oh yeah, and they provided alcohol. If that’s not a recipe for Jessica regretting her choices fun, I don’t know what is! Jessica talking to Barnett was the most desperate thing I’ve ever seen, I could not even watch. But, I think we all might be Jessica when she returned from the night to say about the man she is SO OBVIOUSLY pining over: “he’s deeply troubled.”
Barnett and Amber’s Entire Relationship
Is it me, or do Barnett and Amber seem like a couple from Are You The One? instead of Love is Blind? Like, if this was one of my first impression articles about contestants, it would go something like this:
Barnett: Every show has to have a douchey frat bro for Ryanne to throw herself at in their DMs, and Barnett is that guy on Love is Blind. He 100% does not want to get married, but does want to get laid as many times as possible with minimal effort. Look for him to not make the final commitment and end up hooking up with all three girls he was pursuing after the show.
So I guess he’s back on the market then
Amber: Amber is the kind of girl that will ruin your life and enjoy doing it. Watch out Barnett, she’ll find you.
Ooohh probably not for long…
So, as you can see, I totally think this will work out. Kidding! I totally think they’re going to get the police called on them, break up and get back together numerous times until one of them decides to leave the country and “find themselves”, and never hold down a real job again. Perhaps I’m being harsh, but I do say all of this after Amber bit Barnett’s arm in the bar, and he said in regular conversation “speaking of bareback…” so maybe I’m not being harsh enough.
And that’s what stuck out to me during these first five episodes! I’m looking forward to losing my voice again tonight while watching the new episodes; hit me up in the comments and let me know what you all found shriek-worthy in Love is Blind!
Images: Netflix; Giphy (3), barnettisblind, jessicabatten/Instagram, ryankii/Twitter
Stranger Things is one of my favorite shows ever. I am just so invested in all of it, and I’m super mad we waited two years for only eight episodes that I watched in one day, and now I have to wait another year to see more. Ugh. But in addition to being a love letter to ’80s sci-fi and horror movies, Stranger Things season 3 really does such a great job writing female characters. Especially considering the show’s creators are men. Normally, women in movies and TV are depicted as love interests, almost exclusively. It’s so bad that we have things like the Bechdel test to determine whether women were accurately represented in fiction as more than just objects of desire for men. A movie passes the Bechdel test if it has at least two women who talk to each other about something other than men. That’s it. And amazingly, tons of movies fail this test.
FYI? There are literally zero (0) movies that would fail if the test was graded on two men talking to each other about something other than women. Men in fiction are allowed to have interesting, complex lives, whereas women are often seen as motivators for men and nothing more. It. Is. Gross.
On that note, there are even fewer movies/shows that depict women in science, so Stranger Things is super important. Not only because it’s badass, and the writing is great, but because it’s one of the best shows that not only shows strong women, but especially strong girls, and in a male-dominated genre. And with that, here is a ranking of the 10 best feminist moments from Stranger Things season 3. It honestly was hard to just pick 10. In case you did not understand the title, THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS.
You realizing that you need to go finish the season before reading this:
10. Nancy’s Mom Being Supportive
You would hope that parents are always supportive, but as we’ve seen in the past, Mrs. Wheeler consistently drops the ball. She’s completely out of touch with what’s going on in her kids’ lives. Her interests include leading Billy on, ignoring her family, and purchasing neon swimwear. But in Stranger Things season 3, Mrs. Wheeler actually did something that was pretty cool.
When Nancy got fired from the paper for investigating a story she believed in, she confessed to her mom that her boyfriend didn’t believe in her/was angry at her, and that she’s been bullied extensively by the men in the office. Instead of being angry at Nancy for getting fired, Mrs. Wheeler stepped up and told Nancy that those men are “sh*theads, and that if she believed in the story, she just needs to do it herself. Go to a bigger newspaper, and all those men can shove it when she’s a success. It was a great moment between them and let us know that although Mrs. Wheeler seems super out of touch, even she knows that a girl’s got to stand up for herself in this male-dominated world.
9. Joyce Figuring Out Everything
Joyce is so hilarious, but even though she’s quirky and her approach is a little off, she was really the first to know (except for maybe Will) that something was seriously wrong in the universe. I loved when she was yelling at Alexei (RIP, you cherry slurpee king) about “WHY MAGNETS ARE FALLING OFF THE GODDAMN FRIDGE!” Joyce kept getting cut down by Hopper, who didn’t take her concerns seriously because he was too busy trying to get into her pants. (I’m not giving Hop an RIP because I’m convinced he lived. We never saw the body and there was that whole American thing in the Russian prison.)
But Joyce didn’t allow Hop’s agenda to distract her from her goal, and not only was she totally right, it was thanks to her that they were able to help stop the Russians and save the kids. Oh and NBD, she was the one who turned the keys to stop the Mind Flayer and close the door. Even though it meant killing someone she loved (I mean, theoretically, because I won’t accept this). She’s tough as nails.
8. Everyone Yelling At Mike
Mike is a total douchebag, I’m just going to say it. But he’s a super typical 14-year-old boy. And 18-year-old boy. And 30-year-old boy…seriously, at what age do men stop acting like this?? Mike, being male, insisted that he knew what was best for Eleven and what her limits were. I think his worry came from a good place—he didn’t want her to get hurt. But the entire group, guys and girls included, piled on him for not trusting Eleven to know her own strength. I loved that they all stuck up for her and put Mike in his place.
7. Nancy Standing Up To Old, White, Male America
Nancy’s internship really sucked. Yes, it was her job to get coffee, but the men in the office treated her like garbage and made fun of her suggestions any time she tried to help. When she discovered that there was something seriously wrong with the rats in Hawkins, they laughed in her face and called her “Nancy Drew.” They even forbade her from doing further research. But Nancy didn’t let them dissuade her, even when her boyfriend Jonathan essentially told her to back off and take it. (Which, I understand his reasoning, but also, no, f*ck off.)
She stood up to all of them and did what she knew was right, even when it resulted in her firing. And then she continued to pursue the story, which ultimately helped save the world from the Mind Flayer. I repeat: SAVE THE WORLD FROM THE MIND FLAYER. They didn’t show it, but I really hope she does pitch her story to a big Indiana newspaper and those Hawkins jackasses eat their words.
6. Eleven Dumping Mike
Eleven and Mike go through teenage romance problems, including Mike being a little bitch and lying to her. After Max’s guidance on how womankind should expect to be treated, Eleven confirms Mike’s lies, and in a scene that is nothing short of iconic, she dumps his ass—by loudly shrieking “I DUMP YOUR ASS,” which is really the only acceptable thing to say to a man who treats you as less than. It doesn’t matter that he essentially rescued her, and that they’ve saved the world together several times, even Eleven knows that lying is unacceptable in a relationship. We could all learn a lesson from her (and Max) about how to deal with f*ckboys.
5. Max Teaching Eleven The Importance Of Female Friendship
When Eleven realizes Mike is lying to her—and very poorly, I might add—she’s devastated. She turns to Max for advice, who immediately launches into action. We didn’t get to see these two interact very much last season, so it was super cool to watch them bond. Max teaches El that men ain’t sh*t, and that she’s dumped Lucas five times already for bad behavior. You go, girl. She also shows El how important it is to have female friends and to do things together that don’t involve men.
4. Robin Cracking The Code
This season, we were introduced to Robin, aka Maya Hawke, aka the child of Uma Therman and Ethan Hawke. In addition to shaming Steve Harrington for being 1) a douche, and 2) friends with A LOT of children, Robin showed up both Dustin and Steve by cracking the Russians’ code without their help. Hey, she speaks four languages! It was really cool to see her take over and get credit for such a big win, although it got her involved in a lot of unnecessary danger when she could have just been scooping ice cream all summer with no knowledge of any of this sh*t.
3. Everything About Erica
Erica is hands down my favorite character. She is so sassy and hilarious, and just happens to be a genius. It was awesome to see her run sh*t this season by being absolutely essential to the Scoops Troop’s plan. She was the only one small enough to get into the vent! In addition, though, we saw a very cool side to her: that she may very well be secretly a nerd. Her intelligence and bravery helped save the group more than once, and she was awesome at navigating the labyrinth of tunnels in the lab. Remember: you can’t spell America without Erica.
2. Robin Coming Out
EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. You never see a hot teenage girl with a potential male lead love interest without it turning into something by the end. And it almost, almost went that way. We were led to believe that Robin had a secret crush on Steve. After their adventure together, Steve tells her he was starting to have feelings for her. An American dream story. And given that Steve didn’t have a love interest this season, it was pretty obvious it was going to be her. BUT THEN. Robin clarifies that she watched Steve in their classes because the girl she liked watched Steve, and she couldn’t figure it out because he was stupid and always dropping bagel crumbs all over the place.
It was iconic. You almost never see LGTBQ characters on TV without it being a gimmick or part of the story. It’s never like, “hey, this is a complete complex person who happens to also be gay.” She and Steve had become platonic friends who she trusted to share this with. Their friendship continued afterwards, which was so cool to see, when she helped him get a job at the video store. More of this, please.
1. Eleven Carrying The Team
Every f*cking time, Eleven saves all of their asses from everything—monsters, bullies, Billy, and more monsters. This show would be lost without Eleven, which is a really interesting plot twist, btw, that she’s now lost her powers. I’m excited to see what they do with this next season. But no matter how bleak it looks, or what a rough spot they’re in, Eleven comes through and rescues all the boys, every single time. She’s a badass, and we rarely see such a strong female character who doesn’t expect a man to save her. Although I will mention that this last time, Billy did throw himself in front of her to the Mind Flayer, but as that was essential to his character arc, I’ll forgive it. And really, it was Joyce that turned off the machine and stopped the attack.
Honorable Mention: Suzie
This was such a small thing but ESSENTIAL to saving the world and stopping the Mind Flayer. Suzie—Dustin’s girlfriend from camp who we all believed was fictional—does actually exist! She is the only one out of this group of science nerds, particularly an actual adult male scientist, that knows Planck’s Constant by heart, which is the password needed to save the day. Good job, Suzie. I appreciated how she also took time to bitch Dustin out for not calling her until he needed something, and shamed him because he should know the number himself. I did not, however, appreciate the way-too-awkwardly-long musical number. There is a time and a place, people.
LMK in the comments what your favorite moments were from this season. I’m gonna go watch it again about 20 more times.
Images: Courtesy of Netflix; Giphy (9)
The devil works hard, but Netflix works harder. After dropping enough true crime documentaries to entertain me into the next century, and a new thirst trap movie starring none other than everyone’s favorite internet boyfriend, Noah Centineo, they have done one better and made a movie starring our favorite female comedy trio: Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Maya Rudolph. That’s right. The gang is back together again in a new movie called Wine Country, out May 8 in select theaters and May 10 on Netflix. Wow, so rude that Netflix would make all my dreams come true by putting three of my favorite women together in one movie, and then crush all those aforementioned dreams by making me wait a whole month to see it. I feel scammed, hustled, hoodwinked, led astray!!
Wine Country is one of those comedies about longtime best friends—think Bridesmaids or Girls Trip. In it, Amy Poehler’s character, Abby, plans a 50th birthday Napa getaway for her friend Rebecca (played by hilarious SNL alum Rachel Dratch). Along for the ride are the rest of their crew: workaholic Catherine (Ana Gasteyer), post-op Val (Paula Pell), homebody Jenny (Emily Spivey), and weary mom Naomi (Maya Rudolph). As you can imagine from your own encounters with wine, once these ladies get a few glasses deep, things get out of control. I mean, the last time I went on a wine tasting, I went from zero to “so I don’t think I’m capable of love” real quick, so I can only imagine what’s going to happen in a comedy directed by Amy Poehler.
I’m not saying Wine Country is going to be the next best thing since Mean Girls, but I will say that with this cast, I’m probably going to watch it. (That’s saying a lot coming from me—I don’t tend to watch movies on Netflix because I have commitment issues picking one.) I just hope that with this star-studded cast, Netflix doesn’t bamboozle us and give us a bad movie. Only time will tell! Wine Country drops on Netflix May 10, so I’m going to stock up on my favorite sauvignon blanc just in time for the occasion.
The title of this article is actually kind of a joke because if you don’t know who Ted Bundy is, you need to fix yourself. What? Do you, like, have a life or something? Do you not spend your nights deep-diving serial killers on Wikipedia and then waking up every hour to check all the closets in your 400-square-foot apartment “just in case?” Are you actually well-adjusted? FINE. If you are one of these “normal” humans and you don’t know who Ted Bundy is, 2019 is your year because Netflix just dropped Conversations with a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes and sh*ts about to get real…sadistic.
Since so many of you freaks can’t tear yourselves away from watching yet another episode about the Dundies, I’m here to tell you who Ted Bundy is and why you should care. But tread carefully friends, this article will mark the official end of your innocence.
He Murdered At Least 30 Women
Ted Bundy is one of the most prolific serial killers of all time. Before he was executed in 1989, he finally confessed to 30 murders, which you can hear him briefly whisper about in the new Netflix documentary, Conversations with a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes. But dude, you don’t need to whisper, we already know. Even though Ted confessed to 30 murders, many more have been attributed to him and at one point he said the number of women he killed was “three digits,” leading experts to speculate that he meant over 100, and leading me to reconsider watching this before bed.
Many of the women Ted killed were in their teens and early 20’s and had brown hair, like Diane, the woman who broke his heart. Word of advice ladies, if you’re going to date a psychopath and sexual sadist, be gentle with his snowflake heart or he might kill 100 women that look like you. Or you could just be like me and never date anyone. It’s a good way to not get murdered and a good way to fit in all 14 seasons of Criminal Minds in 6 weeks.
Ted was eventually convicted of kidnapping Carol DaRonch in 1974. She’s featured in the documentary and is a complete badass who narrowly escaped being one of his murder victims. Ted was also eventually sentenced to death for the murders of Margaret Bowman and Lisa Levy at the FSU Chi Omega house, and Kimberly Leach, his final victim, who was only 12 years old. F*ck this guy.
He Escaped Prison Twice
YES! You heard me. A man that had already been convicted of kidnapping and was on trial for MURDER managed to escape from prison twice!
Fool me once, Ted, shame on you. Fool me twice, everyone running that f*cking prison should get fired. Here’s how it happened. The first time, Ted was allowed in the courthouse law library by himself, unshackled. Damn, they’ll just let men do whatever they want, won’t they? So he jumped out the window and ran. Easy as that. He was able to evade capture for six days and lost 25 pounds. And yes, I am seriously considering this for my next diet.
Six short months later, Ted had managed to cut a hole in the ceiling of his cell, climb through it, and eventually walk right out the front door. The FRONT DOOR. From that front door, he made it all the way to Florida where he became a law-abiding citizen, renting out beach chairs and umbrellas to people on the beach. I’m kidding. He f*cking murdered people.
Women Are THIRSTY For Him
Despite the fact that Ted Bundy liked to rape, murder, and return to the dead bodies to have sex with the corpses of his victims (I know, I’m sorry), this did not deter women from fawning all over him. The documentary shows these women enamored by him and batting their eyelashes because he was “attractive.” To say it’s unsettling is an understatement.
Not only did Ted have his lady fans, but he even secured himself a wife during his murder trial. While he was questioning girlfriend Carol Ann Boone on the stand, he asked her to marry him, and it was legally binding. She went on to visit him in prison and they even had a daughter together. Huh. So I guess he could get it up without having to murder someone.
He Blames Pornography For His Crimes
To quote the immortal words of Miss Marcia Brady, “Sure, Jan.”
Zac Efron Is Playing Him In A Movie
And finally we’ve reached the “why you should care” portion of the article, and that reason is Zac Efron. The reason to watch anything is really Zac Efron, I certainly wouldn’t have entertained the idea of basketball players auditioning for a high school musical otherwise. Zac will be starring in Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile, the movie based on Ted’s life that’s premiering at Sundance right now. I’m ready for you Z, chill me to the bone.
People are also talking about Ted Bundy so much because Netflix just released its true crime documentary about him. It’s supposed to present never-before-told information about Ted Bundy, but anyone who has read one Ted Bundy biography would already know everything presented in the documentary. Can’t wait for Hulu to release their competing documentary with nonsensical clips of Family Guy spliced throughout.
So that’s your basic rundown of Ted’s life! If you’re really interested, I suggest you watch the documentary on Netflix, or read The Stranger Beside Me which is the OG of true crime books. And always remember, if a guy wearing a sling asks you to help him carry something to his car, call the police.
And if you can’t get enough of serial killers, may we suggest starting your journey down the rabbit hole by listening to Not Another True Crime Podcast?
Images: Giphy (3)
It’s officially February, so that means the sun is still setting at 4pm, we’re still trying to pull off knit turtlenecks, and we’re still watching Netflix. Like, a lot of it. I’d say with the combination of the shitty weather, a boring Bachelor season, and the shit show of our political system, our society is at an all-time low, which means we can only turn to TV to make ourselves feel a little better. I mean, vodka helps too, but it doesn’t give you as much material for elevator small talk at work. If you’ve already binged on all 10 seasons of Friends this month and you’re in need of something new to watch, here are the best shows and movies coming to Netflix this month.
1. ‘Meet The Parents’ & ‘Meet The Fockers’
Ah, two classic movies for Netflix & chill season. First of all, they literally go together, which gives you an excuse to keep the TV on for another two hours, and secondly, they’re both equally great. I mean, there’s nothing like the combo of Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller to make us forget about our own family drama, and also to remind ourselves never to agree to meeting the parents. It’s always a trap.
2. ‘Coach Snoop’
Watching Snoop in action is more mesmerizing than watching Cardi B give a live TV interview. Luckily for us, Netflix is literally giving us a show that allows us to watch Snoop in his very unknown natural habitat of little league football coaching. Is this real life? The answer is yes, and the show is coming out this week. Sit back, relax, and watch Coach Snoop coach a team of teenagers, no bong in sight.
3. ‘Ocean’s Eleven’, ‘Twelve’ and ‘Thirteen’
Apparently there’s an Ocean’s Eight coming out this summer, so I guess now is a sensible time to catch up on the other three. Ocean’s Eight will be an all-female spin-off with a killer cast. We’re talking about Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, Mindy Kaling, Rihanna, James Corden, even Anne Hathaway (which is frustrating, but you can’t win them all). Think of the OG trilogy as your pregame. The first remake of Ocean’s Eleven (I know, it’s confusing, and Hollywood has been out of ideas since 1970) and its subsequent sequels, though, feature the likes of George Clooney, Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, and more.
4. ‘The Joel McHale Show with Joel McHale’
We have to admit we have a soft spot for obnoxious stand-up comedians hosting their own shows, so we’ll be watching Joel McHale’s show. Joel McHale is known for his amazing pop culture shit-talking and fabulous celeb guests, so we’re just praying his show is a fair combo of our two fav pastimes.
5. ‘Project X’
This movie is so underrated, and we’re totally into its revival, so thank you, Netflix. Project X was the movie that encouraged us to drink more and care less, and it also first opened our eyes to the hotness of Miles Teller (if you’d like to fight me on this, I’ll be outside). The movie is all about high school seniors throwing a rager, so maybe it’ll even hype us up to leave the house this weekend and get blackout enough to come home before even making it to the club. Ugh, I love being a responsible adult.
6. All 5 ‘American Pie’ Movies
Another childhood classic. Why weren’t these on Netflix already? I mean, the franchise was obviously overdone and dragged out way too long, but whatever, the jokes are funny and it just reminds us that life gets *somewhat* better after high school. On one hand, I feel like no one wants to watch the original from 1999, but on the other hand, most kids watching Netflix nowadays were prob not even born yet when it came out. Feel old?
7. ‘Everything Sucks’
Speaking of the 90’s, this Netflix original show is supposed to be set in 1996, and it follows high school freshmen through their v sucky lives. Honestly, it looks pretty good. The name caught my eye immediately, and the whole thing just feels like one relatable TBT. I mean, anyone who says they’re not nostalgic for AIM and Tamagotchis is dead to me. Like, I still look for Dunkaroos in the pantry every time I’m drunk.
8. ‘Queer Eye For The Straight Guy’ Reboot
In case you’ve never heard of the original show, the original Queer Eye For the Straight Guy was on TV from 2003 to 2007, and Netflix is launching a reboot with an entirely new cast. The show will follow a new group of “Fab Five” guys who are lifestyle experts and like, D-list celebs with good taste. For example, the well-dressed host on Chopped who announces the mystery basket ingredients was one of the original Queer Eyes. Kinda sounds like our next guilty pleasure… we’ll be watching.
Images: Tookapic / Pexels; Giphy (5)
We get it, there’s a lot of shows to watch out there. But sometimes murder docs and reality shows are exhausting and you just want to turn your brain off and laugh. After Ali Wong’s killer Baby Cobra special came out on Netflix, we looked at Netflix comedy in a whole new light. It was like seeing Laney Boggs take off her glasses for the first time – wow, maybe Netflix is the new prom queen of comedy? Anyways, if you’re in the mood for stand-up, here are some specials currently on Netflix you should catch up on if you know what’s good for you.
1. Rory Scovel Tries Standup for the First Time
Rory Scovel is probably one of the most underrated comedians right now, because he’s killer but isn’t a household name outside comedians just yet. Don’t worry, he’s going to be, so get on board now. He was just in The House, which we didn’t watch, but he made it to the trailer so that’s a good sign. Anyways, watch this special because he manages to be both sweet and absurd at the same time. He starts this off by asking the audience if they’ve ever done anal, and it goes on for far too long, but it works because you can tell he truly doesn’t care what the audience thinks, and that is the hottest thing of all. We approve of anyone who does not need our approval.
2. Colin Quinn: The New York Story
You’d think this would be like watching your dad do standup, but it’s more like watching your grumpy neighbor living in the one rent-controlled apartment in your building do standup. He’s funny and he is unapologetic about what he finds funny, despite touching on stereotypes and the (ugh) idea of “political correctness”. He doesn’t give AF about offending people, but he’s also not a shitty person so it like, works. Much like how we at Betches know that it’s okay to judge someone for who they are as long we judge everyone and believe us, we do. Also if you have lived in New York for a while you’ll like this special.
3. John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid
Mulaney is def a middle of the road comic, but in a good way. You know how sometimes you literally just want a grilled chicken Casesar salad, and then you order it and it’s like one of the best salads you’ve ever had? It’s like ordering pad thai at a Thai restaurant every time. You know what you’re going to get, and it’s still good. Mulaney is a strong joke writer and the structure of his special is tight while also making you feel like you’re in a chill conversation with him. He’s safe, but not like in a boring way. More like safe in the sense that you have an IUD and you’ve been with your boyfriend for 2 years but he’s still hot AF to you.
4. Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King
The Daily Show correspondent and very quickly rising star Hasan Minhaj kills it in this special. He talks about being an immigrant without being hacky, which is like a feat considering how many ill-advised Hollywood execs still think a gong noise is an appropriate punchline. You’ll fall in love with him as he talks about his family conflicts and serious shit in the funniest way possible. He’s a great storyteller and you’ll start to wonder if he could be your plus one to that wedding you have to go to next month. Anyways, watch this shit because he’s from The Daily Show for God’s sake.
5. Maria Bamford: Old Baby
Normally the term quirky is reserved for our ugliest friend, but in Maria Bamford’s case it is a thing to be celebrated. In case you missed her last special (The Special Special Special!) where she performed for her parents, Bamford’s style is on paper what we’d call “weird” but in reality it’s done in a way that’s so funny even the made up cheerleader in Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me” would find Maria funny. She switches up her audience by performing for strangers in the park to her husband and it still works every time. As betches we always say there’s no need to change who we are because we’re perfect, and Maria takes this to the next level.
6. Lucas Bros: On Drugs
These chill AF twins are highly underrated, but it’s probably because of how chill they are. You might recognize them from 22 Jump Street or their Lucas Bros. Moving Co. animated show from a few years ago. They are the epitome of stoners without the high strung anxiety of bearded straight white male comics. Their signature style of mumbling over each other while still hitting with wry punchlines makes this special one to watch while you’re getting high on your couch. Here’s a chill line from their special: “You should never do shrooms with a guy that looks like you, man.”
7. Trevor Noah: Afraid of the Dark
We love Trevor Noah for his role as host on The Daily Show, but he really shines when he’s on the stage doing his own material. Usually we would be opposed to the new girl in school telling us what’s wrong with us, but Trevor makes profound observations about America without like harshing our vibe. He’s like the big sister who gives us the same advice our friends do about boys, but when she says it we actually listen. He’s charming, funny, smart, and the special flows with strong storytelling that makes this worth watching.
8. Jen Kirkman: Just Keep Living?
We love Jen and if you don’t follow her on Twitter already you definitely should. She leans into the angry feminist stereotype in a tongue in cheek way while still championing relatable issues we struggle with. She talks about getting cat called and how shitty it is when men ask her where her boyfriend is, and honestly we agree with all of it. We also like that she makes bad decisions, like getting a tattoo of a Matthew McConaughey quote, and having zero regrets about it.
9. Chelsea Peretti: One of the Greats
This special has been out for a while but it deserves more attention. You might know Chelsea from Brooklyn Nine Nine, and honestly more people should be aware of her. She’s married to Jordan Peele and that should be an indication of how funny and chill she is. She’s like a BSCB that’s chill at the same time, and her bit about girls who post “no makeup” selfies is spot on.
READ: The Best Things to Stream On Netflix This Summer When It’s Too Hot To Move
