The only exciting part of March is the hope for a warm day and your potential drinking plans for St. Patrick’s Day (even though you aren’t even Irish). It’s kinda easy to hate March—it’s really just a filler month. Like, it’s not exactly spring yet, but everyone is so over winter (as if we were we ever into it). Sure, there’s March Madness, but that doesn’t even start until mid-March, and anyway, we know you’ll forget to check your bracket like, the day after you fill it out, and you only chose UCLA to win because you hooked up with a guy who went there one time. 

But here’s something we can truly celebrate this March: binging all the new shows and movies on Netflix. From classic rom-coms to new seasons of our faves, there’s a lot in store for us this month on Netflix. Grab your weighted blanket, a bottle of wine, and your bag of SkinnyPop, and get ready to spend countless hours on your living room couch.

‘He’s Just Not That Into You’

Every woman is aware of the basic concept that if a man is not showing interest in you, he really, genuinely, does not have any interest in you. Seems easy in theory, but in practice, we’ve all been through the mental gymnastics that is trying to convince ourselves otherwise. I blame this disconnect on society and movies like this one, that claim to present a realistic take on how relationships actually work, when in reality, they just feed us more of the same bullsh*t like “you’re the exception, not the rule”. But whatever, still a good movie to watch on your couch with a bottle of red.

‘Life As We Know It’

This romantic comedy is the perfect lighthearted movie to watch while texting, even though the premise is slightly grim. Basically, rom-com royalty Katherine Heigl (Holly) and Josh Dumahel (Messer) are set up on a blind date by their married friends (which goes horribly). However, when their friends die in a car accident, Messer and Holly are named the guardians of their toddler and have to co-parent. Even though Messer is the stereotypical frat boy you hooked up with once in the Sig Chi basement and you wonder why he never calls, he ends up being Prince Charming, and we forget the douchey side of him even existed. Spoiler Alert: This doesn’t happen in real life. 

‘Sleepover’

No slumber party of any kind can ever live up to this. Four best friends on a scavenger hunt, which involves stealing a guy’s underwear, breaking into nightclubs, and—perhaps the most radical one of all, considering the girls in this movie are supposed to be in EIGHTH GRADE—hijacking one of their dads’ cars to finish all their tasks. All to secure the ever-coveted lunchroom spot next to the water fountain once they reach high school. Anyone who’s seen this movie can try and try, but your slumber “party” will always end up being you and a friend eating way too many chocolate chip cookies, crying to a rom-com, and passing out by 11pm. If you manage to replicate this movie in real life, please give me a call.

‘The Shawshank Redemption’

Without giving away too much, The Shawshank Redemption is about banker Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins), who was sentenced to life in prison after being wrongfully convicted for the murder of his wife and her lover. While in prison, he befriends Red (Morgan Freeman), who teaches him about life and prison. Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins? Like are you kidding me? It cannot get better. If you haven’t seen it, make sure you have nothing planned besides the movie for the day. You will need 24 hours to absorb it all. 

‘Valentine’s Day’

This is one of those movies that follows like a million different storylines, and they’re all sort of connected at the end and your mind is blown. Valentine’s Day compiles the stories of a bunch of different couples and how they celebrate the day, from planning a proposal to planning to lose their virginity to planning an “I Hate Valentine’s Day” party. Mark me as attending for that one. Okay, so I love this movie, mostly because every beautiful person at the end of the 2000s is in it, and also Taylor Swift for some reason.

‘The Interview’

Anything directed by Seth Rogen is bound to be hysterical, so you def won’t be disappointed watching this. The Interview is about two guys who run a celebrity tabloid show—and the show’s biggest fan is North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un. The CIA hears of their plans to travel to North Korea to interview him, and recruits the two to assassinate him instead. Remember when real-life Kim Jong-Un was pissed about this movie? Lol, good times.

‘Ghosts of Girlfriends Past’

Serial womanizer Connor Mead (Matthew McConaughey) attends his brother’s wedding and basically convinces his brother not to get married.  But after he is visited by his dead uncle, who tells him that he is wrong about women and relationships, Connor has a transformation and has to save the wedding. Not before he is haunted by all his ex-girlfriends, who come to teach him a lesson, of course. Wow, that’s literally like my dream. *Presses play*

‘Ugly Delicious’: Season 2

Chef David Chang (who runs the Momofuku restaurants) travels around the world tasting the best, but maybe not best-looking, food from different cultures and explores how it evolves. Think cooking show-meets-history-meets-mouthwatering meals. Chang usually brings some celebrities along with him, and season 2 features some of my faves, Nick Kroll and Padma Lakshmi. Make sure you have your delivery ready before diving in. 

‘On My Block’: Season 3

It might be just another show navigating the horrors of high school, but On My Block is one of our faves for its diverse cast and its ability to make us laugh and cry in the same episode. And it’s back for season 3. If you’re into teen drama and danger, get started catching up before starting season 3. If you’ve already binged, then I know you’re just as excited as I am to find out who kidnapped Jamal, Ruby, Cesar, and Monse in the literal last second of season 2. I have been on the edge of my seat for an entire year.

‘Elite’: Season 3

Guess what? Another teen drama series. Elite is like the Gossip Girl of Madrid, Spain, and it is just as scandalous and unbelievable. High schoolers wear cute uniforms and designer dresses to parties and clubs, which they attend on weekdays like it’s NBD. There’s a murder. A pregnancy scandal. Drug dealers. Steamy hookups. Elite has it all. If you want to brush up on your high school Spanish, this is the one for you (and you will learn all the slang, too). Even if you don’t know Spanish, there are subtitles, and I promise you will be obsessed.

‘Greenhouse Academy’: Season 4

After their mother dies in an astronaut accident (as one does), siblings Alex and Hayley Woods enroll at a private boarding school for gifted future leaders. The siblings become rivals when they join two competing houses at the school, which gives me major Harry Potter vibes. However, when they discover a plot to destroy the world, the two houses have to work together. Let’s not forget that these heroes still have to deal with the trials and tribulations of high school. What could go wrong?

‘Ozark’: Season 3

Jason Bateman (Martin “Marty” Byrde) stars in this crime series, which begins when Marty has to move his family from the suburbs in Chicago to the Ozarks in Missouri in order to grow his money-laundering scheme, but soon gets involved with local crime groups there. Ok, yes please. This is everything you’re looking for in a suspenseful show. The show is fiction, but I know all you true crime fans will be all for this. I’m sure the third season will include just as many deaths and shady characters as the first two, and I’m already binging.

‘Self-Made: Inspired by the Life of Madam C.J. Walker’ 

This new series is about to be epic. Self-Made is based on the novel On Her Own Ground, by A’Lelia Bundles, and tells the story of Madam C. J. Walker. She rose from poverty to become the first American woman to be a self-made millionaire by creating specialized hair products for African American hair care. This is the perfect watch during Women’s History Month, and I can’t wait to watch Octavia Spencer kill this role. 

Now, here comes the sad part. Here are the movies and shows leaving Netflix this month: The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers , P.S. I Love You ,The Dark Knight, New York Minute, Hairspray, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, Charlie’s Angels, A Wrinkle in Time, Eat Pray Love, Men in Black, Men in Black 2, and Black Panther (which is now on Disney+). Sad!

Images: GIPHY (12); Tumblr (1)

Heads up: this article contains a fair number of spoilers, so if you’re really committed to watching Noah Centineo make out with every 19-year-old C-list actress, be warned. 

If you follow me on any social media, you probably know I have finally returned home from studying abroad. That means I’ll be spending the next few weeks hate-watching my friends’ tropical vacation stories and cheesy Netflix rom-coms. 

Full disclosure, I love a good (and by good, I mean really bad) rom-com. There are few things I find more entertaining than watching Mila Kunis act “emotionally unavailable.” Not to brag, but I, too, have been called emotionally unavailable, which means my best efforts to do her proud are paying off. However, as Netflix continues to churn out sh*tty rom-coms faster than FashionNova makes knock-offs of what the Kardashians wear, it’s important to ask ourselves if these movies are doing more harm than good to the target audience—namely, young girls. Generally, rom-coms tend to take behavior that is questionable at best and make it into this romanticized, melodramatic story that is totally irresistible. After watching SEVEN Netflix originals and three classic rom-coms, I have produced a list of the top four unhealthy behaviors these movies promote. 

Treating People Like Second Choices

This behavior seems to be a staple in Noah Centineo movies. Seriously, the only real differences between To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before and The Perfect Date are that Centineo is way hotter in the first and a PG-13 escort in the second. It’s like Noah Centineo is the Little Mermaid, and instead of trading his voice with Netflix in return for legs, he gave up his good looks for a multi-picture Netflix deal. Anyway, I digress. 

 

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maybe this #NationalIceCreamDay we get a chocolate shake with two straws 😉🍫🍦

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No one should get in a relationship with someone who treats them like a second choice, which is extremely common in rom-coms, specifically in Netflix’s newer films. In To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, Centineo’s character Peter Kavinsky pretends to date Lara Jean, but only because he wants to get his ex back. Surprise, surprise, he ends up falling for Lara Jean, even though it seems pretty clear that it never would have happened if his ex took him back in the first place. In The Perfect Date, he basically asks the girl that likes him, Celia, to fake-break up with him in public, complete with personal attacks and all, so that he can get the girl he thinks he wants, as if that wouldn’t leave serious emotional damage. However, Netflix wraps this behavior up pretty neatly, with the two main characters declaring their love for each other on the school’s lacrosse field or a sub shop as if suddenly, all is well.

Call me cynical, but if it was me, it would be pretty f*cking sus if some guy spontaneously stopped being in love with his ex-girlfriend and claimed that he was all in for me. I don’t buy it when I see that happen in real life, and I’m sure as hell not buying it from a cheesy Netflix movie. 

Cheating

If you haven’t seen the movie After, stop everything and watch it. Immediately. Not sure if it falls into the rom-com category, but it was, by far, the most absurd thing I have ever seen. Honestly, it was a train wreck I couldn’t look away from. The movie delves into a lot of problematic behaviors, but one I want to address upfront is cheating. 

Our protagonist, Tessa, is a sweet, studious girl entering her freshman year in college and keeping her high school boyfriend. But, like, all it takes is one glance at a ~mysterious~ hot guy at a frat party and gone are all her morals. Okay, Tessa, we’ve all been there, but just do the right thing and break up with your guy from high school first. And for Christ’s sake, do NOT go hook up with your new man while your boyfriend is visiting! Yes, Hardin (aforementioned mysterious hot guy) also has all sorts of problematic qualities, which I will address later on, but right now I am just focused on Tessa’s cheating and how the movie makes us think it’s okay because she’s just super passionate.

Whether or not you believe “once a cheater, always a cheater,” it should give you pause if someone cheats on their significant other with you and then wants to have a relationship. First of all, wtf ever happened to the rebound period? Second of all, how do you even set boundaries on appropriate behavior with this person? The whole foundation of your relationship is based on them being a cheater so… good luck with that.

Cheating is literally never okay. It isn’t any less awful because you have feelings for the person you did it with (or, in the case of After, want to have a few super-hot, hate-fueled make-out sessions with).

Lying

 

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TAG 5 FRIENDS THAT STILL NEED TO WATCH SIERRA BURGESS IS A LOSER! #sierraburgessisaloser

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I don’t think this should have to be said, but I guess it’s necessary. Sierra Burgess is a Loser might actually be one of the best movies Netflix has ever made (don’t @ me, I said what I said). Nevertheless, the premise of the film is still pretty questionable. In the movie, Sierra Burgess catfishes Jamey, played by none other than Netflix’s resident generically hot guy Noah Centineo, texting him under the guise that she is a hot cheerleader named Veronica (who, conveniently, attends a rival high school, and, of course, is Sierra’s bully). Sierra and Jamey text regularly, and while there’s something to be said for falling for someone’s personality and not their looks, she still catfished him. To make matters worse, Sierra goes so far as to befriend the real Veronica so that she can keep up the act when Jamey inevitably asks to FaceTime.

Naturally, Jamey kisses the real Veronica when he sees her for the first time at a football game. Sierra assumes Veronica is still bullying her by kissing Jamey, whom she is now in love with, and publicly humiliates her during halftime. Uh, no, Sierra, Jamey literally has no idea who you are BECAUSE YOU NEVER TOLD HIM!!! How much easier your life could have been if you had told the truth from the beginning.

These huge lies are the foundation for the plot in so many romcoms, from How to Lose A Guy in Ten Days to Sierra Burgess is a Loser. But obviously—and again, I can’t believe this is something that even needs to be said—this behavior is unacceptable in real life. There’s a reason most of the relationships on Catfish don’t work out, and it’s because (among other things) people generally don’t like being lied to.

Playing Games

Listen, I’m not totally against some innocuous game playing, especially where f*ckboys are concerned. However, when the games become the whole relationship or when the other person isn’t into it, sh*t starts to get messy. And not in a fun Real Housewives way. 

Back to my new favorite movie to hate on, After. The whole reason the male lead, Hardin, even talks to Tessa (and makes her cheat on her boyfriend) is because he bet his friends he could have sex with her and make her fall in love with him, and also he wants to make another girl jealous. She consequently loses her virginity to him, and in the book One Direction fan fiction version of the movie, he SHOWS HIS FRIENDS THE SHEETS. It’s all just f*cked up on so many levels.

Hard pass on using a person to make someone else jealous without their knowledge, using a person to win a misogynistic bet, and an even harder pass on making a person fall in love with you under false pretenses. However, when alllll of this ludicrous behavior is reconciled with a half-assed apology and a hot kiss in the rain, it’s easy to forget just how toxic the behavior is. 

 

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Just because I can recognize these behaviors does not mean I’m not above falling victim to the negative messages these movies send. When I was a 16-year-old, nothing was more romantic to me than Chuck and Blair’s passionate relationship, which I now realize was toxic as hell. Despite what teen movies and shows will tell you, in reality it’s super unlikely that a f*ckboy will change his ways, and constant screaming and fighting is not the same as passion in a relationship.

And, really, I’m not trying to ruin the fun of rom-coms, mainly because I’ll be spending the next few weeks of my life binging them. But, before you start thinking that if Lara Jean and Peter could make it work, maybe your douchebag booty call will finally step up, it’s important to face the facts. 

When we watch movies that romanticize cheating, manipulation, and borderline emotional abuse, we are teaching people that it’s romantic and okay. Because of these movies, instead of seeing the guy that hooked up with another girl while you were supposed to be exclusive as the douchebag he is, we start thinking he needs to (and can) be fixed. And then, of course, we start dreaming of the future relationship we might have with him once we fix him, and at the very least, end up disappointed.

Listen, not every movie can be He’s Just Not That into You (which, despite the name, does not present the healthiest relationship dynamics). But in 2020, I’m kind of thinking we can do better to provide young girls with positive examples of healthy relationships.

Images: Bettina Strauss / Netflix; aftermovie, sierraburgessisaloserig, toalltheboysnetflix / Instagram

The devil works hard, but Netflix works harder. After dropping enough true crime documentaries to entertain me into the next century, and a new thirst trap movie starring none other than everyone’s favorite internet boyfriend, Noah Centineo, they have done one better and made a movie starring our favorite female comedy trio: Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Maya Rudolph. That’s right. The gang is back together again in a new movie called Wine Country, out May 8 in select theaters and May 10 on Netflix. Wow, so rude that Netflix would make all my dreams come true by putting three of my favorite women together in one movie, and then crush all those aforementioned dreams by making me wait a whole month to see it. I feel scammed, hustled, hoodwinked, led astray!!

Wine Country is one of those comedies about longtime best friends—think Bridesmaids or Girls Trip. In it, Amy Poehler’s character, Abby, plans a 50th birthday Napa getaway for her friend Rebecca (played by hilarious SNL alum Rachel Dratch). Along for the ride are the rest of their crew: workaholic Catherine (Ana Gasteyer), post-op Val (Paula Pell), homebody Jenny (Emily Spivey), and weary mom Naomi (Maya Rudolph). As you can imagine from your own encounters with wine, once these ladies get a few glasses deep, things get out of control. I mean, the last time I went on a wine tasting, I went from zero to “so I don’t think I’m capable of love” real quick, so I can only imagine what’s going to happen in a comedy directed by Amy Poehler.

I’m not saying Wine Country is going to be the next best thing since Mean Girls, but I will say that with this cast, I’m probably going to watch it. (That’s saying a lot coming from me—I don’t tend to watch movies on Netflix because I have commitment issues picking one.) I just hope that with this star-studded cast, Netflix doesn’t bamboozle us and give us a bad movie. Only time will tell! Wine Country drops on Netflix May 10, so I’m going to stock up on my favorite sauvignon blanc just in time for the occasion.

You made it through Thanksgiving, but there’s like, so much more holiday season to endure. That means more family, more spending money, more office parties, and more blizzards. What a joyous season. The only good part about December is that it means 2018 is slowly coming to an end. That’s a good thing at least. So to close out the year, here are some of our top movies and TV shows for you to watch on Netflix this December.

Dec 1: ‘The Big Lebowski’

My ex-boyfriend’s Instagram bio was “I don’t roll on Shabbos” and I thought that was a reference to rolling joints. Turns out it’s from this movie, which is about bowling. Basically, these two guys share the same name, Jeffrey Lebowski. But like, one’s an avid bowler and one’s a millionaire whose wife gets kidnapped. Millionaire Jeff doesn’t want to get his hands dirty, so he hires bowling star Jeff to go pay his wife’s ransom. Obviously, sh*t goes wrong because you trusted a guy who spends his time in rented shoes with your money and wife’s life. This movie is apparently a “cult favorite” and my ex-boyfriend’s, so go watch it.

Dec 1: ‘Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs’

This movie is pure nostalgia. Remember the book we all read and loved in like, elementary school or whatever? This is that, but with a twist. Flint Lockwood sucks at inventing things, but one day makes a food machine that flies up into the atmosphere and actually works. His town is f*cking thrilled (as one would be) but end up getting too greedy and fat making the machine go haywire. IDK about you, but this movie f*cking scared me when it originally came out in 2009. People were legit getting squashed by cheeseburgers and spaghetti tornados coming from the sky. Now thinking about it, that sounds like a pretty good way to go.

Dec 1: ‘8 Mile’

Once you’ve binged Lady Gaga and Demi Lovato’s documentaries, you can move on to this. It’s not really a documentary, but more ~based on a true story~. Eminem plays Jimmy, a guy from Detroit who hates his life working at a car factory and want to be a rapper. Brittany Murphy (RIP) plays Jimmy’s love interest and has sex with him in the car factory cause she finds it hot that he stands up for his gay co-worker, Paul, who was getting insulted via rap battle. If that’s not reason enough to watch this, here’s another: Mom’s spaghetti.

Dec 7: ‘Free Rein: The 12 Neighs of Christmas’

If you’ve already watched The Princess Switch and are still in need of your terribly wonderful cheesy Christmas movie, look no further. This movie is based on the show Free Rein, a British TV series with major horse-girl energy. Zoe drops a Christmas ornament and somehow discovers a ~family secret~. Who TF hides family secrets inside Christmas ornaments? How did you even get it in there anyways? This movie includes a Mistletoe Ball, evil b*tch boss, hot elf man, and some sort of Santa in a shack—I like it already.

Dec 7: ‘Dumplin’

This movie is what would happen if Toddlers & Tiaras suddenly became woke. The movie stars plus-size teen Willowdean Dickson (find a more southern name, I actually dare you), who signs up for her mom’s pageant because she wants to start a “revolution in heels”. This is the feminist, body-loving movie I’ve been waiting for. I feel like this is a role Rachel Green would’ve died for had she taken up an acting career. I’m just praying it doesn’t turn out like Sierra Burgees Is A Loser because that was an abomination. Besides, how could something with Jen Aniston AND Dolly Parton SINGING be bad? The answer is simple, it cannot.

Dec 7: ‘The American Meme’

Be #cultured and spend your time watching a documentary starring the likes of Paris Hilton, The Fat Jewish, Emily Ratajkowski, Hailey Baldwin, and more. Watch how these influencers with literally no talent other than posting photos make a sh*t ton more money than you. After showing at the Tribeca Film Festival earlier this year, Netflix jumped to purchase this work of art. Any movie where Paris Hilton and The Fat Jewish are quoted as experts is one I want to see. This documentary may or may not be educational, but either way, it’s going to be entertaining.

Dec 16: ‘Baby Mama’

This movie is one of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s best works. Kate, played by Tina Fey, is a single businesswoman who put her career before her personal life and forgets to have a baby. The struggle is f*cking real. She can’t get pregnant or adopt, so she hires Angie, played by Amy Poehler, as the surrogate. Angie fakes her pregnancy for a little while thinking she could just steal Kate’s money and peace. But then she ends up actually being pregnant with her own baby.

Dec 14: ‘Fuller House’ Season 4

This show is absolute garbage yet I find myself binge watching it with a half-empty bottle of wine more often than not. Nothing will ever live up to the original Full House, but this show has made it four seasons, so I guess it has to be kind of good? Mary-Kate and/or Ashley have still not returned as Michelle and that’s thoroughly disappointing. But there’s a Christmas episode included in this season, so it’s totally festive. Joey dresses up as Santa so like, that might be charming or scary depending on who you are. And we get to find out the fate of Danny Tanner’s love life after Vicky made a return at the end of season three. Thrilling.

Dec 14: ‘Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina: A Midwinter’s Tale’

Even though it only came out a month ago, you’ve probably already binged the entire season of the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. If you aren’t scared sh*tless of this show by now, get ready for their holiday special. Christmas time means that the Church of Night (a totally not suspicious name) celebrates the Winter Solstice, the longest night of the year. They all sit around a fire and tell ghost stories. Sounds cute and harmless until you remember that they all literally worship the devil. This is def not your traditional Hallmark holiday special, but if you’re a spooky b*tch, you’ll enjoy it.

Dec 14: ‘The Fix’

Does reading about the state of our crumbling world make you want to hide in a cave for the rest of existence? Yes? Then this is the show for you. Netflix’s latest panel show hosts top comedians and poses them with questions about how to solve some of the world’s greatest conundrums. Will they solve anything? Probably not. Will they be a hell of a lot closer than our current government is to solving anything? Definitely.

Dec 21: ‘Back With The Ex’

The title of this show is also known as the worst possible text message you could ever send to or receive from your best friend. This Australian reality show takes four singles and reconnects them with their exes. I think I would rather tweeze every hair on my body than partake in this, but I’m totally down to watch other people try. The only thing that would make this show better is if there was a Bachelor(ette) spin-off where they put former couples back in the mansion together. I want a full Jake and Vienna breakup meltdown all over again.

Dec 25: ‘Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown’ Season 11

The second last season of Anthony Bourdain’s show is coming to Netflix to on Christmas, how pleasant. *Wipes tears*. As a world-famous chef and travel documentarian, Bourdain explores unusual foods and fascinating places around the world. This season takes us through West Virginia, Uruguay, Newfoundland, Armenia, Hong Kong, Berlin, Louisiana, and Bhutan.

 Dec 26: ‘YOU’

Just in case you needed to hate Dan Humphrey a little more, here it is. Penn Badgley plays Joe Goldberg, a bookstore owner (classic Dan) who develops a crush on an aspiring writer, Beck. Aw, cute. Until it’s not. Turns out, Beck has sh*t privacy settings and Joe knows a thing or two about stalking people (perhaps from his days as Gossip Girl?). In true Dan Humphrey fashion, what starts out as an innocent crush on Serena Beck eventually turns like, criminal. Explore the blurred lines between love-struck or dangerously obsessed with this feel-good show that reminds us all that men are trash.

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If you’re a person existing in the world today, then you likely have access to a Netflix account. Maybe you have your own personal account or maybe are using your ex-boyfriend’s cousin’s roommate’s dog’s account (I’m not here to judge). Either way, you’ve definitely heard people raving about these Netflix-exclusive movies: To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, The Kissing Booth, and Sierra Burgess Is A Loser.

Now, there’s been a lot of hype around these movies, but let’s just say not all three deserve your precious time. But don’t worry, that’s what I’m here for—I’ve lost several hours of my life watching some of this low-budget sh*t, just so you don’t have to (I’m such a saint, I know). I’m going to give you a full rundown of these movies from best to worst. And yes, this article does have spoilers cause it’s like, a recap, so you should kind of expect that.

‘To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before’

Okay, so this movie was EASILY my fave of the three, and totally worth the watch. Sure, it’s kinda cheesy, but all three of these movies were. This one was the least cheesy and the only one that didn’t actually give me cringe sweats. I’ll start by saying I was really feeling the Asian-led cast, which I feel like we never get to actually see in these basic teen chick flicks. Not to mention, we also had Aiden of Sex and The City fame playing the clueless widowed dad, so that was fun. And, sorry to bury the lede here, but every girl’s current heartthrob, Noah Centineo, plays hot/cool guy Peter Kavinsky .*Every girl gets instantly wet.* Peter Kavinsky is the love interest of our main character, Lara Jean, played by Lana Condor.

Now for the plot: Lara Jean is this shy “loser” who writes love letters to all the different crushes she has had throughout her life. She doesn’t actually send any of these letters (because she’s not like, fully psycho); she just stores them in a box in her room with the intention of never sending them. “Intention” being the key word there. Lara Jean’s little sister, Kitty, who is sick of Lara Jean being such a f*cking loser spending her Saturday nights watching Netflix (I’m being attacked), decides to just mail out all of these letters.

Apparently, Kitty’s objective in doing this was to help Lara Jean find a boyfriend. Kitty’s logic isn’t totally there. Sending sad handwritten diary-esque letters to all the boys she’s ever cried herself to sleep over warrants a restraining order, not a boyfriend. But of alas, it is a movie, so it somehow actually does grant Lara Jean her greatest wish. 

Sh*t hits the fan real quick because turns out one of the addressed (I’m sorry LJ, but did you REALLY need to address these if they were intended for a box) letters end up in the hands of her older sister’s boyfriend. When said boyfriend starts to approach Lara Jean, she does the only thing logical to avoid him—make out with Peter Kavinsky. Same.

To avoid Lara Jean needing to confront her sister’s boyfriend (yikes) and Peter wanting to make his ex-girlfriend (and Lara Jean’s ex-best friend) jealous, they devised a plan to fake date. Lara Jean totally wins on this cause she gets free rides to school and a hot date for every school event she wants. Girl knows how to play her cards right.

To sum up the rest of the unimportant filler-drama, Lara Jean has her sex tape leaked (but is still a virgin?), she dumps Peter’s sorry ass because she senses his ex-girlfriend is behind it, and Peter Kavinsky comes crawling right back to her.

What I liked about this movie was that, when Lara Jean thought Peter was being a f*ckboy, she didn’t act like some pathetic girl who just believed every word that came out of his mouth. Instead, she stood up for herself. Good for you, Lara Jean—way to be the strong, self-controlled woman that the rest of us can’t. And like, since she wasn’t a desperate b*tch, she even ended up at the end of the movie with Peter telling her he loved her!

Yeah, see ladies, it’s all about knowing your f*cking worth. If you want that f*ckboy wrapped around your finger like a sad little puppy, then you, yourself, can’t be a helpless damsel in distress. Thanks for teaching us hoes a thing or two, Lara Jean.

‘The Kissing Booth’

Man, this one was hard to watch. I suggest grabbing a glass of wine (or eight) if you want any shot at getting through this. This was like, Hallmark movie-meets-Lifetime movie-meets-Disney-Channel movie level-cheesy. I watched this one with some friends, so between the ridiculousness of the movie and our commentary, this unbearably corny movie was somehow slightly tolerable. 

Basically, the plot line here starts with two besties since birth, Elle and Lee.  Lee has this hot older brother that she’s recently developed a crush on because like, puberty and hormones. I’d like to point out that hot is definitely relative here. In my opinion, the hot older brother, Noah Flynn, looks like a teen wolf quadruple the age of anyone else in this cast. But, to each their own.  

Elle, played by Joey King, comes back to school for her junior year wearing an extremely short skirt with her uniform. She claims she’s wearing it because she hit puberty over the summer and didn’t seem to think that the ensuing whole body transformation would require bigger clothes. Like, this girl’s ass was legit hanging out to the point where this movie became borderline soft-core porn.

Elle and her inappropriate skirt garner the attention of legit the whole school and she instantly becomes a “hot” girl. Of course, this leads to Noah, Lee’s older brother, becoming extra protective of Elle. Elle, who is finally getting some male attention, gets annoyed that Noah’s overprotectiveness is constantly cock-blocking her. Kind of on Elle’s side here. Like, sis finally has a chance to get laid and now Noah is all up her biz. Not cool.

So then Elle and Lee decide to host a kissing booth as a school fundraiser. And, as predictable as it gets, Elle ends up kissing Noah via this kissing booth. Which, time out here, has anyone EVER actually seen a real-life kissing booth? Cause like, I’m pretty sure these are only a means of “fundraising” in movies… I’m not exactly sure what school would actually approve of a kissing booth. It’s like, a PG-13 version of prostitution…

Anyway, after Elle and Noah’s ~steamy~ kissing booth makeout, they naturally start dating. That’s right—they make out, and BAM, they start dating. If that was realistic I would’ve had like…never mind. There’s trouble in paradise, though! Elle and Lee have these stupid-ass “best friend” rules that they came up with when they were younger. The most important of them being that they can’t date each other’s siblings. And, seeing that Elle doesn’t even have siblings, Lee clearly came up with this rule because he knew his older brother was hotter than him. This means that Elle and Noah have to hide their relationship because it’s “against the rules.”

As predictable as it gets, Lee finds out, gets mad, yada-yada. They play an overly choreographed game of dance-dance revolution and are BFFs again. Elle and Noah end up together. But, unfortunately for DTF Elle, Noah leaves for college soon after (Harvard of all places! Stereotypical bad boy who’s a nerd at heart). When he leaves for college, I think they break up? It’s kinda unclear here, but the movie ends with Elle riding away on Noah’s motorcycle really feeling herself.

I think the lesson here was that if you embrace the hoe you are inside, you’ll get attention from the hottest guy in school, and even a free motorcycle!

‘Sierra Burgess Is A Loser’

Welp guys, looks like Barb (from Stranger Things) finally got her big break! Yes, it may be starring as the “loser” in this movie, but at least it beats being eaten by a Demogorgon while her supposed bestie loses her v card. Talk about a tragic ending #JusticeForBarb.

Don’t worry, Barb fans! She gets her justice, all right. This bitch gets to make out with Noah Centineo—twice! Although, I will say, his character in this movie is so pathetic that it turned me off to him completely. 

Anyways, Barb’s character in this movie, Sierra, is a little less pathetic than Barb was. But only a litte less. Sierra is a high school “loser” but one with a hell of a lot of self-confidence. Of course, this self-confidence thing is short lived and instead, she becomes the all-time greatest catfish to ever live. This bitch puts Nev and Max to shame!

So one day, Jamey asks for this hot girl Veronica’s phone number. However, Veronica is not actually interested in him because he’s a “loser” since he has “loser friends.” Fair. So, Veronica gives Jamey Sierra’s phone number instead, but acts like it’s hers. Jamey sends Sierra a selfie and, even though she has no clue who he is or how he got her number, she recognizes he’s hot and just decides to chat him up anyway. As expected, these two really start to hit it off via text. By “hit it off” I mean they basically just send each other a bunch of weird animal memes back and forth (which is my preferred method of flirting). They also seem to think one another are just downright hysterical. Note, I did not laugh once during this movie.

Eventually, the catfishing gets out of hand. And I mean OUT OF HAND! Sierra convinces Veronica to go on dates with Jamey and, in exchange, Sierra tutors Veronica. So basically, Veronica goes on dates with the guy Sierra is OBSESSED with. Meanwhile, Sierra creeps around them, living vicariously through Veronica. I’m not really sure how Sierra actually thought this plan was eventually going to work out. As you guessed, everything blows up in Sierra’s face when Jamey actually kisses Veronica. Sierra gets mad jealous and goes batsh*t cray. Like, WTF did you expect Sierra?

Sierra has a psycho meltdown and embarrasses Veronica, and Sierra’s whole catfishing scheme is revealed. But, since it’s a movie, of course, Jamey eventually comes back around and decides to give Sierra a chance. You know, because he’s so into her “personality.” So much so that he even takes this catfishing snake to homecoming!

Like, I could see if they ended up becoming really good friends or something. But it makes no sense he would end up with her. ESPECIALLY after she played him so hard. Like, this guy must be so desperate for love. That, or maybe he just realized he had a strange fetish for redheads? IDK what angle they were going for here, but I wasn’t buying it.

This movie has also received a sh*t ton of backlash for making some lazy jokes that they thought would be quirky and cute but like this movie, are just not. I won’t go into it; I trust you all have Google.

To conclude, I’m pretty sure all of these movies had the same exact sets. Maybe with the unexplainable success of these movies, Netflix will have a little more to work with for the next one. If they do decide to create more, which they obvi will, I’ll take a lot more of Lana Condor and a little less Noah Centineo. That guy’s head is getting wayyy too big and someone needs to take away his social media accounts ASAP.

Images: Giphy (7);