The title of this article is actually kind of a joke because if you don’t know who Ted Bundy is, you need to fix yourself. What? Do you, like, have a life or something? Do you not spend your nights deep-diving serial killers on Wikipedia and then waking up every hour to check all the closets in your 400-square-foot apartment “just in case?” Are you actually well-adjusted? FINE. If you are one of these “normal” humans and you don’t know who Ted Bundy is, 2019 is your year because Netflix just dropped Conversations with a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes and sh*ts about to get real…sadistic.
Since so many of you freaks can’t tear yourselves away from watching yet another episode about the Dundies, I’m here to tell you who Ted Bundy is and why you should care. But tread carefully friends, this article will mark the official end of your innocence.
He Murdered At Least 30 Women
Ted Bundy is one of the most prolific serial killers of all time. Before he was executed in 1989, he finally confessed to 30 murders, which you can hear him briefly whisper about in the new Netflix documentary, Conversations with a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes. But dude, you don’t need to whisper, we already know. Even though Ted confessed to 30 murders, many more have been attributed to him and at one point he said the number of women he killed was “three digits,” leading experts to speculate that he meant over 100, and leading me to reconsider watching this before bed.
Many of the women Ted killed were in their teens and early 20’s and had brown hair, like Diane, the woman who broke his heart. Word of advice ladies, if you’re going to date a psychopath and sexual sadist, be gentle with his snowflake heart or he might kill 100 women that look like you. Or you could just be like me and never date anyone. It’s a good way to not get murdered and a good way to fit in all 14 seasons of Criminal Minds in 6 weeks.
Ted was eventually convicted of kidnapping Carol DaRonch in 1974. She’s featured in the documentary and is a complete badass who narrowly escaped being one of his murder victims. Ted was also eventually sentenced to death for the murders of Margaret Bowman and Lisa Levy at the FSU Chi Omega house, and Kimberly Leach, his final victim, who was only 12 years old. F*ck this guy.
He Escaped Prison Twice
YES! You heard me. A man that had already been convicted of kidnapping and was on trial for MURDER managed to escape from prison twice!
Fool me once, Ted, shame on you. Fool me twice, everyone running that f*cking prison should get fired. Here’s how it happened. The first time, Ted was allowed in the courthouse law library by himself, unshackled. Damn, they’ll just let men do whatever they want, won’t they? So he jumped out the window and ran. Easy as that. He was able to evade capture for six days and lost 25 pounds. And yes, I am seriously considering this for my next diet.
Six short months later, Ted had managed to cut a hole in the ceiling of his cell, climb through it, and eventually walk right out the front door. The FRONT DOOR. From that front door, he made it all the way to Florida where he became a law-abiding citizen, renting out beach chairs and umbrellas to people on the beach. I’m kidding. He f*cking murdered people.
Women Are THIRSTY For Him
Despite the fact that Ted Bundy liked to rape, murder, and return to the dead bodies to have sex with the corpses of his victims (I know, I’m sorry), this did not deter women from fawning all over him. The documentary shows these women enamored by him and batting their eyelashes because he was “attractive.” To say it’s unsettling is an understatement.
Not only did Ted have his lady fans, but he even secured himself a wife during his murder trial. While he was questioning girlfriend Carol Ann Boone on the stand, he asked her to marry him, and it was legally binding. She went on to visit him in prison and they even had a daughter together. Huh. So I guess he could get it up without having to murder someone.
He Blames Pornography For His Crimes
To quote the immortal words of Miss Marcia Brady, “Sure, Jan.”
Zac Efron Is Playing Him In A Movie
And finally we’ve reached the “why you should care” portion of the article, and that reason is Zac Efron. The reason to watch anything is really Zac Efron, I certainly wouldn’t have entertained the idea of basketball players auditioning for a high school musical otherwise. Zac will be starring in Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile, the movie based on Ted’s life that’s premiering at Sundance right now. I’m ready for you Z, chill me to the bone.
People are also talking about Ted Bundy so much because Netflix just released its true crime documentary about him. It’s supposed to present never-before-told information about Ted Bundy, but anyone who has read one Ted Bundy biography would already know everything presented in the documentary. Can’t wait for Hulu to release their competing documentary with nonsensical clips of Family Guy spliced throughout.
So that’s your basic rundown of Ted’s life! If you’re really interested, I suggest you watch the documentary on Netflix, or read The Stranger Beside Me which is the OG of true crime books. And always remember, if a guy wearing a sling asks you to help him carry something to his car, call the police.
And if you can’t get enough of serial killers, may we suggest starting your journey down the rabbit hole by listening to Not Another True Crime Podcast?
Images: Giphy (3)
Picking something to watch on Netflix is one of life’s greatest challenges. While we’ll probably never know if that’s due to the fact that Netflix is filled with a bunch of really great options, or we’re all just paying $8 a month to scroll through hundreds of shitty movies and television shows only to watch Parks and Rec for the millionth time, it is true that the streaming service does have at least one thing for everyone. To make your life so much easier, here’s which Netflix documentary you should watch based on your zodiac sign. I’ve even included a trailer for each one, so if you get halfway through and decide it’s a total waste of your time, you can’t blame me. I’m not, like, a scientist or whatever, but I’m pretty good at pretending to know a lot about people depending on their signs, so here you go.
Aries – ‘Minimalism: A Documentary About The Important Things’
Aries are super organized, competitive leaders who probably don’t want to waste a lot of time watching Netflix because they have other shit to do. If they’re going to spend precious time watching a Netflix documentary, it better be motivational. Watch Minimalism and get inspired to throw out all of your stuff.
Taurus – ‘Blackfish’
Tbh, Taurus is the worst sign to give a Netflix documentary recommendation to, because they’re super stubborn and hate change. They probably only pay for Netflix to keep rewatching The Office. Stick to something you’ve probably already seen before, like Blackfish. Everyone has seen Blackfish.
Gemini – ‘Icarus’
Geminis can literally never STFU because they’re super curious and always want to chat about whatever book they’re reading or podcast they’re listening to. Watch a documentary that’s currently really popular and relevant, so you can fall into a blackhole on Reddit or chime into some random Twitter convo about it. Icarus, the documentary about the Russian Olympic doping scandal, is totally a perfect fit.
Cancer – ‘Lady Gaga: Five Foot Two’
Lady Gaga: Five Foot Two is a raw, emotional look at Lady Gaga’s most vulnerable and personal moments. As a sign that’s really emotional and sympathetic, Cancers will eat this shit up. Like, you’ll probably be tearing up halfway through this trailer.
Leo – ‘Jim & Andy: The Great Beyond’
Jim Carrey isn’t a Leo, but you’d prob assume he is after watching Jim & Andy, the documentary about the time he went totally nuts when playing comedian Andy Kaufman in the Man on the Moon biopic. I mean, he’s obv warm-hearted and hilarious, but taking a role so seriously to the point where he basically drives everyone around him insane, then realizing that the whole thing was nuts and a documentary needs to be made out of it, is a total Leo move. Leos will love this documentary almost as much as they love themselves.
Virgo – ‘Food, Inc.’
Virgos are total health freaks, so it’s probably important for them to see Food, Inc. Or like, a really bad idea for them to see it, because then they’ll start worrying about everything they eat and obsessively reading nutrition labels more than they already do. Eh. Whatever.
Libra – ’13TH’
13TH is a documentary that investigates how seriously fucked up the United States prison boom is. Prob important watching for every single one of the 12 zodiac signs, but justice-seeking Libras will be really into it.
Scorpio – ‘Seeing Allred’
Scorpios have no fucking chill, just like women’s rights attorney Gloria Allred. Gloria is a passionate badass who has been fighting for women and minorities forever. She’s one of the HBICs in the #MeToo movement, but she’s been the shit for decades. Like, she represented Nicole Brown against OJ. She’s def the human embodiment of every Scorpio trait, so maybe you guys will be inspired to put that intensity somewhere useful after watching Seeing Allred.
Sagittarius – ‘Liberated: The New Sexual Revolution’
Sagittarius is the zodiac sign most likely to have the word “wanderlust” somewhere in an Instagram bio, and is known for being curious, loving freedom, and hating stage-five clingers. Obviously, Liberated: The New Sexual Revolution is a must-watch. It’s a documentary that basically explores our generation’s attitude towards spring break hookup culture and everything that goes along with it, but it serves as a cautionary tale too. Like, enter a twerking contest in Mexico if that’s what your heart desires, Sagittarius, but remember that you’re also allowed to say no if it skeeves you out.
Capricorn – ‘Banking on Bitcoin’
Capricorns are kind of hardos when it comes to being productive, because they actually enjoy getting shit done. Can’t relate. But anyway, they’re also a pretty traditional sign, so learning about what Bitcoin actually is might be pretty interesting for a Capricorn, considering it’s such a brand new thing.
Aquarius – ‘Casting JonBenet’
Aquarians are weird as shit and love to get sucked into conspiracy theories, so Casting JonBenet is obviously the perfect documentary for them. I mean, really anything that could potentially introduce an Aquarius to new conspiracy theories is ideal, but Casting JonBenet really takes the cake because it’s a bizarre cross between a drama and a documentary, and it’s a case that will probably never be solved.
Pisces – ‘Manolo: The Boy Who Made Shoes For Lizards’
Pisces are super creative and gentle, so they’ll probably effing love the idea of a baby Manolo Blahnik crafting shoes for lizards, even if every other sign would roll their eyes at it. Also, Rihanna makes an appearance in this, so like, just watch it.