There’s no better thrill in this world than when Netflix drops a brand new series. These days, I’d say that feeling is second only to pretending my computer’s video function is broken during a Zoom meeting so I don’t have to show my coworkers what a disgusting piece of sh*t I’ve actually become during the pandemic. Which is why I was over the moon when I learned that over the weekend Netflix had dropped their newest dumpster fire of a reality TV show: Too Hot To Handle. For those of you who haven’t heard of this show, I urge you to drop the banana bread you were thinking about making and instead dedicate the next 8-10 hours of your life watching human evolution happen in reverse.
The premise of the show is this: 10 hot people from all over the world have been selected to be secluded on a remote beach retreat. They think they’re there to drink-bottom shelf liquor and see how much sand their gynos will have to scrape out of their cervixes after this. Not so! Instead these emotionally stunted circus animals, who have no concept of genuine human connection, have been thrust into this retreat and DENIED SEXUAL CONTACT OF ANY KIND in order to learn it. The phrase “emotional growth” is thrown around no less than 100 times throughout the entirety of the season, which made me think: did any of the contestants actually grow as people? With that in mind, I’ve decided to rank the contestants’ emotional growth on a scale of 1-10, with one being a basic human being allowed to mingle with the rest of society, and ten being someone who remains a dancing monkey.
*Note: Since we initially only wrote our season predictions for the original 10 cast members, those are the people we’ll be ranking now AND I DON’T WANT TO HEAR BOO ABOUT, MMKAY?
I will go to my grave defending this thesis, but here it is: Haley is not a human being. I won’t believe it. I have seen kitchen appliances show more human emotion that this sorority girl from Florida. So it’s not hard to fathom how Haley earned her last place status. In fact, Haley didn’t even make it half way through the season before getting the boot from the animatronic lamp named Lana. I’m sure that will be fun for her to explain to her potential employer. I’d say never change, Haley, but we both know your programming makes you incapable of that!
Francesca is a modern-day enchantress, and watching her systematically bring financial ruin upon her roommates one over-the-clothes handjob at a time was absolutely riveting to watch. Even though 80% of her identifying features are made up of silicone, she was one of the more attractive girls this season, and the men went into an absolute FRENZY upon her arrival at the retreat. She ended up hitting it off with Aussie Harry and they were one out of the two couples to be established during the show. When she wasn’t hypnotizing him with her tits, she was manipulating the f*ck out of anything else with a penis. Francesca gets second to last place because even though she left the retreat with a boyfriend, I’m pretty sure the only thing she learned throughout this entire experience is how much she should actually be charging for her sexual acts. I can’t wait to see what you do in the future, Fran!
I know I’m going to catch sh*t for this one in the comments BUT COME FOR ME TROLLS because I stand by this decision. Kelz, while the most beautiful person on this show and the source of all comedic relief, also only cared about one thing: getting his goddamn money. He seemed to be far too familiar with how much a blowjob should cost and spent the majority of his time pulling out his hair and screaming “hands!!” any time Francesca and Harry so much as breathed in each other’s directions. The one and only time he tried to pursue a romantic connection with Francesca, all he talked about was winning the money. Then he turned down a soapy handjob, NOT because he wanted to wait and see if they connected on a deeper level first, but because it wouldn’t fit in their budget. Kelz, you’re a money-grubbing whore, but I love you buddy!
Matthew started out the show by claiming he couldn’t date anyone long-term because he doesn’t believe in marriage, even when “long-term” was later defined as “like, four weeks.” With this sad, romantic rock bottom in mind, you would think the only place he could go is up, but after several weeks on the show his idea of having a meaningful conversation was talking dirty to a robot cone named Lana. The single men of America, ladies! Matthew left the show early because
none of the girls would bang him it was time for him to move on. But don’t worry, ladies! He says he will be taking what he learned from the retreat and applying it to his future relationships, which I’m sure means he’d be willing to commit to five weeks with one lucky lady instead of four. We’re not worthy!!
On night one, Harry declared that he was below average in every sense of the word, which is why he does so well with women—and that was the lightbulb moment my therapist has been hoping I’d have for years. At first, I couldn’t put my finger on what made him so attractive to me. Why did I so badly want a 6’5″ man-child rocking a modernized bowl cut to call me his naughty little possum?? Who knew that average attainability could be so attractive? I’m ranking Harry in sixth place because even though by the end of the show he was a reformed f*ckboy ready to move across the world to be closer to Francesca, he was sort of manipulated into doing it. I’m pretty sure if a less hot girl asked him to be monogamous, he would have been gone faster than the 20K he spent in the private suite with Francesca.
Nicole had zero hookups, love interests, or quotable lines during her time on the show. In fact, sometimes when she wore her hair curly, I thought a new contestant had shown up on the beach altogether. I was inclined to give Nicole the benefit of the doubt regarding her growth since I can hardly pick her face out of a crowd, let alone recall significant details about her personal life. Then I remembered the one challenge where they painted themselves with the negative comments people have said about them, and the most insulting thing she could come up with was “skinny.” What other horrors do people say about you, Nicole? That you’ve got a face for modeling?
I struggled with where to put Rhonda on here but, in the end, 4th place felt right. While she did show tremendous personal growth on the show, I’m not convinced that she wasn’t a decent human being to begin with. She seemed to have a good head on her shoulders and only pursued romantic connections with the least douchey men on the island. Congratulations, Rhonda, you aren’t trash!
I think this will be a controversial pick as well, but there’s something about Chloe that has me rooting for her. Though she has the emotional density of a plastic grocery bag, I was actually impressed with her when she cut things off with David after realizing that their connection was only physical, and when she called Francesca out for her two-faced behavior. Plus, she never cost the group more than $12k so that makes her a winner in my book.
This is a man whose opening line on the show was “I’m most proud of my penis” and by the end of the retreat, he was in a committed relationship—without having sex!—and FaceTiming his girlfriend’s kid because it was important to her. If I had a heart, it would have started beating again for this sh*t.
And last but not least, we have British David ranking in at number one for the biggest emotional transformation. When David first graced my television screen, he looked like the type of person who would have spent this pandemic building a bunker out of bulk orders of protein powder and dumbbells. Little did I know that David was a human cinnamon roll hiding in a CrossFit acolyte’s skin suit! When David decided to quit pursuing his romantic connection with Rhonda—a woman who brought him to tears just staring into her soul!!—because he valued his friendship with Sharron too much, I may have actually cried. Though he didn’t end up with anyone by the end of the show, he was constantly lifting his cast mates up and just genuinely being the cutest human on planet earth. David: CALL ME!
And there you have it! The definitive ranking of emotional growth from the Too Hot To Handle cast. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’ll just be sliding into David’s DMs and asking him if he’d like to be my naughty little possum. Ttyl!
Images: Aline Arruda, Ana Cristina Blumenkron/Netflix; Courtesy of Netflix (8)
As we enter into yet another week of our never-ending stay-at-home order, we rely on a few comforts to help get us through the uncertainty and terror of this time. Napping at all hours of the day? Definitely. Eating every single snack we just bought at the grocery store that was supposed to last us two weeks? Of course! Dressing our dog up like the Queen of England and pretending we’re at high tea? Who among us hasn’t?! But, most importantly, we rely on Netflix to continuously drop the most absurd shows (Hi, Tiger King! Hi, Love is Blind!) that allow us to forget for just a little while that we are actually living in a game of Jumanji. And Netflix is coming through for us yet again on Friday, April 17th, when they drop their next reality dating show, Too Hot to Handle. They just released the trailer, and it looks like exactly the amount of trash we all need in our lives right now (which is Britney-in-a-gas-station-bathroom-without-her-shoes level of trash). So, let’s take a look at the trailer, break it down, and talk about why Too Hot To Handle is most definitely going to be a worthy successor to our last reality obsession, Love is Blind.
I’m going to leave the trailer for you right here, please watch it, take copious notes, and then come back to me to discuss.
There sure is a lot to unpack, so let’s go over the basics. Too Hot to Handle features 10 hot singles on an island in bikinis, drinking excessive amounts of alcohol out of Solo cups, and in a competition for $100,000. Seems pretty easy, right? But of course, there is a twist, because Netflix is nothing if not a sick bastard. A cone shaped robot named Lana tells the contestants that in order to win the money, they have to abstain from sexual activity. I shrieked. These people literally arrived on the island slathered in their favorite lube, and they aren’t allowed to have sex?! Have you seen anything sadder in your whole life?
What the contestants thought the island was going to be like:
What it’s actually like:
After the robot drops its bombshell, the contestants slowly remove their penises from whatever hole they had immediately stuck them in, and proceed to lose their minds. This seems like it’s going to be fun! Well for me, at least—the raging hormones disguised as people stuck on this sexless island seem a little less enthused.
So what else is notable about the trailer, I mean, other than the fact that one dude is obviously going to f*ck a fish? Well, a lot of these people appear to be British, which makes me wonder if they think Americans are not garbage enough for this show? If so, I’d like to point them in the direction of a brilliant piece of art known as Are You The One? for proof that you can most certainly peel some of us off a sticky linoleum floor in Jacksonville and convince us to humiliate ourselves on TV for a small amount of money and a can of Axe Body Spray. Something to consider for next season! It’s also cute that one of the women thinks that because of the format, “maybe more can come from this.” Adorable. I think it means he’s just going to bang you when you get home and then ghost you, but it’s nice to have dreams!
We also see someone saying “I don’t want to break the rules,” and then a montage of a LOT of rule breaking. So I think it is safe to say that even though hooking up isn’t allowed, there will be a bunch of people claiming that they didn’t mean to, they just fell and somehow it slipped in! That can’t count, right? Lana would never take away money for such an innocent accident, would she?
If anything is clear from watching this trailer, though, it’s that Too Hot To Handle is the OBVIOUS successor to Love is Blind, and might even improve upon its predecessor. First of all, they’ve replaced Nick and Vanessa Lachey with a talking triangle with some pretty blue lights, and it delivers lines better than they ever did. Sorry Lacheys, no more free vacations for you. You’ll have to do sponsored Instagram ads pimping out your children like the rest of the C-listers if you want a summer vacay!
There also appears to be way more partying on Too Hot To Handle, which I’m thankful for. I was a little tired of watching only Jessica get sloshed in every episode of Love is Blind.
Okay fine, I wasn’t, that was pure gold, but I want to see ALL the contestants bring shame on their families by drinking too much pinot grigio and hitting on someone else’s man. And finally, Too Hot To Handle has a similar premise to Love is Blind. Robot Lana explains to the contestants, much more eloquently than Nick ever did, that the reason they can’t have sex is so they gain deeper connections with one another. I’m not sure why this “deep connection” thing is the hill Netflix is willing to die on in 2020, but most likely because it’s making them a sh*t ton of cash and not because they care about people forming successful relationships built on love and respect, right?
I have to admit, I’m excited for this one. And not just because I think it’s going to end with the robot slaughtering all the contestants and taking over the island to breed little Lanas that will eventually conquer the world. But because we all watched Love is Blind, and now in real life we’re stuck dating in isolation pods, so if we all watch Too Hot To Handle, at least we’ll be stuck on an island after this, even if we must be abstinent. CAN’T WAIT!
Images: giphy (3); loveisblindtv/Instagram; Netflix