Dear Guys Who Invite Me Over to ‘Watch a Movie’
Between Justin Bieber still living in the US, the additional month I have to wait until Scandal comes back, and the fact that it won’t stop fucking snowing, there is a lot I could be hating in life right now. That said, there is still nothing I hate more than when a guy I don’t really know that well asks me if I want to “come over and watch a movie.”
If you’re going to just try to go for the V, you need to at least put some effort in. Take me out for drinks and dinner before you invite me to your place. I can’t claim that my game is on some Beyoncé level shit, but I have a fully functioning and disease-free vagina thank you very much, and I’m counting on some work being put in on your end before I inevitably refuse to give it up. If twelve-year-olds are willing to run around an obstacle course, answer riddles from a talking tree, and embarrass themselves on live TV just to fail at putting together the Shrine of the Silver Monkey, you can expend some energy into attempting to get in my ironclad pants.
My point is, people have been willing to do a lot more for a lot less.
Shit, now that Blockbuster’s gone out of business, you don’t even need to leave your house to drive to the fucking store to pick up a movie. YOU DON’T EVEN NEED A PHYSICAL COPY OF THE MOVIE IN THE FIRST PLACE. Now any asshole with a working laptop and an internet connection and his friend’s brother’s roommate’s dog’s Netflix subscription thinks he can hit it? No, and no.
And don’t think for one second I’m deluded into the whole “I’m being a nice guy who just wants to watch a movie in the company of a girl I like and incidentally also want to bone” bullshit that you might be going for. First off, if I wanted to be spend time with a nice guy, I would stay home and watch something that Topher Grace is in. Second, maybe some other basic bitch would believe that you could actually get to know a person while you’re sitting side-by-side, not looking at or talking to one another for 1.5-3 hours in front of your TV or Mac, but my four years of college partying have left me with enough functioning brain cells for common sense. So no, I’m not falling for that shit either…
Next time, I’m going to insist we watch 12 Years a Slave and fuck your whole plan up:
You’re not as smooth as you think,
If you’ve read anything we’ve ever written post-solar apocalypse, you’re probably aware of this thing called cuffing season. If said articles don’t interest you, I guess we
need better clickbait don’t blame you. But basically what we’ve been trying to get at is that cuffing season and its stigma really fucking blows (duh). So what if I told you there is someone who can fulfill all your cuffing season needs? Someone who’s readily available at any given hour, who fully supports your alcohol tolerance junk food habits, and who won’t judge you for wearing the same VS sweatpants four nights in a row? Lol jk, that’s just some make-believe Cinderella fairytale bullshit, but there is one thing that does contain all the same exact qualities, and that thing is Netflix.
Like, think about it—when was the last time a guy checked in on you every 30 minutes to see if you were still invested? I’ll take “in your fucking dreams” for $500, Alex. But I bet you can’t say the same about Netflix. And perhaps the biggest turn-on of all is that Netflix knows you better than you damn well know yourself. That’s right. Your Netflix queue says a lot about who you are as a person, and most importantly, your complete lack of dating life. Your brazen transparency isn’t fooling anyone from your recent Bridget Jones binge to the OJ docu-series, so I’m going to politely ask you to remove your fucking claw from the Hot Cheetos bag and press pause on Storage Wars, because you’re in for a rude awakening. Here’s why you’re single, according to your Netflix queue.
Your nightly binge of CSI and Law & Order: SVU reveals so much about how much of a legit serial psycho you are in relationships that it’s been analyzed by actual doctors. Betchy psychiatrist Dr. Sharon Packer used a term I literally think to myself every day about my coworkers: “I could kill them.” She found that watching someone actually commit murder on screen gives us the sense of relief that it wasn’t us, like, “thank god I didn’t take a pencil to Martha’s head today since someone else did.” Basically, you revel in the pleasure that is other peoples’ screwed up issues, but on second thought, isn’t that the sole purpose of staying single?
RomComs With A Strong Female Lead
If you’re constantly watching movies featuring a female lead who “don’t need no man,” you probably also live by shit like “Women aren’t meant to be tamed” plastered on your Instagram bio and ironically enough, that quote comes from the mouth of the character who ran straight back to some rich fuckboy that left her at the altar. Your friends are constantly telling you that guys just suck and to never settle as a means of hoping you’ll shut up about why guys suck come every Sunday brunch. You live for blaming everyone else for your problems (same), so might I suggest a little less Sex and the City and a little more Why Men Love Bitches?
Don’t get me wrong—Netflix originals are pure gold and feature a little bit of everything. But think about this: They’re like the Krispy Kremes of the streaming world. Do you ever see them advertised? No. Because they don’t need to be. Sure, the word-of-mouth advertising speaks for itself, but you’re not Okja or a fucking glazed donut for that matter, and you’re not going to meet someone while practicing a strict dress code of sweatpants and concert tees while other people blab about how great you are. I’m sorry, but that’s something only plausible in Sleepless in Seattle. Your choice of recently watched Netflix picks might prove you to be a try-everything-once kind of girl, but if you don’t actually try to put yourself out there for once, the only late-night texts you’ll be receiving are from Javier from Postmates.
Reality Television Shows
If you find yourself taking relationship advice from Jax Fucking Taylor every Thursday night, then we’ve got much bigger problems here and truthfully, I don’t get paid enough to sit here and tell you why you suck at relationships. But regardless, I still need to get paid so here I am. This should be a no-brainer.
My friends Studies show that the more reality TV being watched, the more narcissistic you tend to be (like, no shit). I mean, you’ll never see the loser on Cupcake Wars gracefully accepting his loss. He’s using his exit interview to shit on the others as though the judges will magically take him back. Sort of like how I continuously subtweet my ex, but that’s beside the point.
I’m all for getting brushed up on knowledge and investing a stupid amount of my day in a juicy documentary about harmful processed foods only to make me crave Taco Bell after, but there comes a point where the 27 dieting documentaries on my queue make me feel personally victimized. If you hadn’t realized by now, guys are more sensitive than an ovulating female watching a sad Sarah McLachlan puppy commercial. When you become overly critical, guys run for the fucking hills (hence why you’re reading this). You may be a closet intellect, but when it comes to relationships, you’ve begun to cross the line from Olivia Pope to Taylor’s over-usage of the term “emotional intelligence” and how he probably has none. Like, a guy didn’t ask for your critique on his Nick Viall lisp or that face he made during sex that one time, just like nobody asked for a documentary rattling off the dangers of alcohol. That’s what Snapchat receipts and Plan B are for.
Forget everything I just said—boyfriends may come and go, but Disney classics are forever. “I’m a damsel, I’m in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice fucking day.” — Meg
JK YOU THOUGHT. This should be pretty obvious, but then again if you’re taking relationship inspiration from people like Prince Eric who see a mute naked girl on a beach and immediately think “wifey material”, I can see why you’re here. If your Netflix queue consists solely of movies that are in the Disney vault, you’re clearly one of those Disney Princess freaks who like, wears Disney Princess bikinis and Instagrams shit like “Waiting for the day my prince will come”. In other words, guys can pick up on your desperation from kingdoms far away. Honestly, you need a dose of reality. More than one of these so-called “princes” was only able to seduce his princess WHILE SHE WAS SLEEPING. That should tell you something about the caliber of their game. Also, Prince Charming fell in love with Cinderella but couldn’t remember what her face looked like? How does that make sense? The more I think about it, the more it dawns on me that these princes are all giant fuckboys and if you’re over here idolizing them, then that is why you’re single.
It’s almost cuffing season, which also means everyone’s staying inside watching TV because we no longer have to pretend to give a shit about our summer bodies. This means that while you’ll be narrowing down your hoe-tation, you will also want to come off as chill as possible as post-summer blues make everyone lazy and not ready for a high-maintenance betch. You’ll need to arm yourself with shit to talk about with guys other than football, because not every guy is going to want to talk about sports—sometimes his team loses and he’s a sore loser, or it’s just annoying, and all of the time he’ll think you’re pretending to care about football to seem cool. Therefore, to appear chill AF, here are the shows you should be watching or at least be vaguely aware of because every male specimen is obsessed with them, for reasons we will
never quite understand get into in a second.
1. ‘Rick & Morty’
You’ve definitely heard bros gushing about this show like it’s the popular girl in school. The good news is this show is actually good so if you haven’t watched it yet, it’s an easy one to get into. It’s science fiction—but like, science fiction in the way that Drunk History is historical—and it’s also animated, so basically if you liked Futurama or Adventure Time or just like to get high, this show is an easy one to get hooked on. Guys talk about this show like betches talked about Pretty Little Liars, and you’ll get bonus points if you quote it. And why not? Half the quotes are random ad-libs anyway, so it’s easy to memorize a couple catchphrases just to have them under your belt for later. We don’t want to give the fuckboys credit, but Rick & Morty is a funny show, so if you watch it you’ll have something to laugh about even when you’re waiting for that fuckboy to text you back.
^See what the fuck I mean? Men are idiots.
Every guy either thinks Seinfeld or Cheers was like, the best show ever invented and those guys go on to watch Veep. Good thing for you, Veep stars Julia Louis Dreyfus, so you can relax knowing the guys who think they’re better than you because they watch this show are rooting for a woman. If you liked Arrested Development you’ll like this show, plus Julia is just queen bee when it comes to carrying a comedy. Also since you’re busy af, this show is only 30 minutes, which means you can watch this if you need to pop an Adderall trying to remember everyone’s names in Game of Thrones.
3. ‘Twin Peaks’
This show used to be on TV and now it’s back, directed by David Lynch again, which means the hot nerds are going crazy for it. The show has every celebrity you can imagine in it, plus it’s got a missing homecoming queen which is like some of our favorite things. Missing hot people and small town drama—it’s basically what Riverdale was trying to be. I mean, Riverdale is still pretty chill, but if you want to go to the source, watch Twin Peaks. Guys love showing off their knowledge of directors like it isn’t the most basic thing you could know about movies, so they’ll tell you facts about David Lynch all day. How cute, it’s like if we bragged about knowing all of Britney’s albums names… how could anyone not already know?! But you’ll let him sound smart in front of you and he’ll love how chill you are.
4. McGregor/Mayweather Fight
Should someone tell the men that watching strong men fight each other doesn’t actually make you stronger yourself? But for whatever reason, guys think staring at muscles will enhance their own, and who are we to break the spell? This fight is coming up on Saturday and it’s the perfect excuse to text him to make casual hang plans. Because even if he’s not that into the fight, you asking him what he’s doing for it will probably make him realize he should be more into it, which will cause him to invite you to watch it together so he can appear stronger in front of you. It’s a win-win for everyone, plus you’ll be able to meet his friends and acquaintances in case things don’t work out and you need a rebound. Chill all around.
5. ‘Bob’s Burgers’
Why do men love cartoons so much? Probably because they don’t want to face the fact that they’re adults and responsible for the future of this world. Regardless, Bob’s Burgers is a funny classic that bros love because it’s got dry humor along with absurd situations and the guy who voices Archer. Plus, it’s what made Kristen Schaal famous, and she’s the only quirky celebrity we can stand.
6. ‘Last Week Tonight’
This show is where men learn how to mansplain the shit out of things they don’t understand to women. If you watch this show you can learn about current events with punchlines built in, so when you’re discussing why prison system is so fucked in America on your 14th date, you can throw in an angle that isn’t just dry preaching. John Oliver keeps his show short enough to keep your attention span, but long enough to get into it in a real way. Guys probably won’t admit that they’ve done little to no research on most of the topics they’re acting like experts on, and you can do the same amount of no work by watching this show.
Let’s face it, there’s really only one bae in your life these days, and it’s your streaming service of choice. I mean, who else would you spend hours in bed with daily? And as an added bonus, he never talks back, forgets to text, or expects you to stop what you’re doing mid-Scandal binge and have sex with him. He’ll just hit you with an “are you still watching?” every once in a while and leave your ass alone. What more does a girl need? I mean, realistically nothing.
Unfortunately, streaming services cannot magically come to life and date you. We don’t have the technology. Elon Musk, we’re counting on you. But if we did live in a universe where streaming services were the men in your life, here’s who they would be:
NETFLIX – Your Ride Or Die
When all other men have failed you, your Netflix bro is always there to pick up the pieces. Sure, sometimes after a weekend of non-stop hanging you feel like you’ve gone through everything he has to offer, but do a little digging and he’ll always have something unexpected for you to latch onto. You’ve known your Netflix bro for years—maybe you were even introduced to him by your parents—and have put so much effort into your relationship with him that he always knows exactly what you’re craving, even when you don’t. You feel comfortable sharing him with your family, friends, and even distant friends-of-friends-of-relatives because your relationship is so rock solid. Sure, you may wander a little bit and focus on a series that he can’t provide you (*cough* The Bachelor *cough*), but you know you’ll be back spending all day in bed together sometime soon. Honestly, probably within the next 24 hours.
HBOGO – Sugar Daddy
Your HBO Bro is the older, richer counterpart to your Netflix ride-or-die. You hit him up any time you’re kind of meh on your Netflix bro and want to mix things up a little bit by pretending to be a rich housewife with a baller cable package. Sure, HBO Bro is into some weird shit and honestly can be a little intense. Like, I’m tryna chill and drink Champagne right now, not listen to a three-hour in-depth explanation of the crisis in Syria, but you know if you hit him up infrequently then you’ll always be able to find something the two of you can connect on. You keep your HBO bro in your rotation for the two or three times a year where he really shows up and takes on you on an amaaaazing date that Netflix bro could never provide, like a roundtrip ticket to Westeros or a weekend away with Reese Witherspoon and her friend group in Monterey.
HULU – Friend Zoned Bro
Poor, sad Hulu Bro. You know he’s there. He knows you know he’s there. Any time you come to visit his page he gets so excited, literally begging you to subscribe. One day when you’re desperate you’ll give this guy a spin, but you know after 30 days when he finally asks you to commit you’re going to GTFO with some cheap line like, “Sorry Hulu, but I’m just not over Netflix.” This dude is in your life for when you are in the mood to watch something, anything, but he’s never going to be long haul. And honestly, you’ve already seen everything he has to offer. And sure, your parents love him because of all the Seinfeld re-runs, and every once in a while he’ll surprise you with something cool like The Handmaid’s Tale, but in the end you know that any time you’re hitting up Hulu Bro, it’s because every other bro on your list has failed to respond.
Amazon Prime – The Nice Guy
This is the guy that your friends are constantly telling you you need to get into, but something about him makes you feel like the price is just too high. Sure, your friends are constantly telling you about how much easier their life is with him in it, but you’re just not sold, and honestly, content-wise, this dude is just not pulling his weight. Man In The High Tower? Wtf is that? Maybe you and him will go on a couple of dates, but you’ll ultimately bow out after the first night when the sex is kind of meh. Still, you appreciate the fact that he likes all of your instas to this day and you’ll always consider hitting him up again the next time you need some d ASAP (one day delivery!) or get the urge to give Transparent has another season. Basically, he’s just your average nice guy who seems like the total package but ultimately fails to deliver.
YouTube – Manwhore
Well if it isn’t the dirtiest dick in town. If you’re watching shows on YouTube it’s because you have truly reached the end of your rope. Maybe it’s summer and you’re unemployed and in a slutty binge-watching phase, or maybe you’re just really desperate, but you do not hit YouTube Bro up if quality is what you’re looking for. He’s the type of bro that takes you on a “date” to the worst dive bar in the world or like, fucking McDonald’s, and when time comes to pay the check he realizes that he left his wallet in an Uber. You then spend the next three hours going down some weird, dark rabbit hole with him and come out the other end having just watched five hours of 9/11 truther videos and wondering what went wrong. For some strange reason, you keep him in your phone and hit him up every 6-8 months when you’ve (once again) hit rock bottom and just need entertainment, but you never tell anyone about him, and on the rare occasion you do see him out in public, you look away and pretend you never met.
SEESO – Who TF Is He?
If you read the word “Seeso” and thought, “wtf is Seeso?” that’s exactly who the Seeso Bro is. He’s that dude who you always forget when making a mental list of all the guy’s you’ve hooked up with in your life. Then one day you’ll be scrolling through your photo stream looking for TBTs and see one blurry, pixelated pic of the two of you at a bar and be like, “omg THAT guy?! Who was that guy?!? I think he was funny or something? I honestly can’t remember…”
Guys always get pissed when you take a while to respond to that late “Netflix and chill?” text, but they really have no clue how much time and effort goes into the preparation on our end. All they have to do is throw on that “I’m about to hookup with a girl” groutfit. You know exactly which one I’m talking about. It always has a pack of gum and a Dasani in one pocket. Like, as if walking in with a water bottle in a sweatpants pocket is normal. And who even buys Dasani?
Of course, you don’t want to get too dressed up and look like a total hardo. It’s kind of like deciding whether you should wash your hair before going to the salon. Like, Renee, your bitchy hair stylist will probably judge you for showing up with greasy hair that vaguely smells like a bar, but why should you have to go to any trouble to do something she’s just going to undo? It’s the same goal with dressing for Netflix & Chill. Dress comfortably, but not “bingeing Say Yes to the Dress for four days” comfortably, because like, you probably won’t be wearing your clothes for that long. Here are a few tips.
1. Choose The Right Bra
Netflix & Chill is not the right time to whip out your fave lingerie set. Even if your lingerie was purposely chosen to make it seem like you’re not trying too hard, lingerie on a Netflix night is a waste of everyone’s time. Do you honestly want someone fumbling with your bra strap during 10 Things I Hate About You? (Is that a normal Netflix and Chill movie? I honestly don’t fucking know. I don’t Netflix and Chill frequently, I’m just writing this because I like to tell people what to do.) Go for something that’s a little nicer than what you’d normally wear while you’re chilling in your sweats, but that’s still pretty simple, like a basic lace bralette.
Aerie Lace Longline Bralette
2. Be Smart About Your Leggings Selection
Obviously, you’re going to wear leggings or sweatpants because that’s pretty much all you wear anyway. Give your skintight Lululemons a day off and go for something with a bit more wiggle room that’s a soft, comfortable fabric instead of a material meant for working out. These leggings still have a flattering waistband without bordering on being Spanx.
Victoria Sport Anytime Legging
3. Stay Basic With The Top
Don’t wear a fleece-lined hoodie or any kind of sweatshirt unless you live in literal Antarctica. Even the most G-rated Netflix & Chill sessions include a lot of body heat, and while I’m not trying to tap into the details of your sex life, I’m guessing that being sweaty and uncomfortable isn’t what you’re into. If it is, then I’m sure there is a place for you to explore that on Craigslist. Anyway, a loose fitting v-neck or literally any other shirt you want to wear will work.
Madewell Whisper Cotton V-Neck Pocket Tee
4. Find Flattering Sweatpants
Flattering sweatpants do exist, I swear. Take it from someone who has like a pretty chronically flat ass: If you play your cards right, sweatpants can work like a VS Bombshell bra for your butt. Slim jogger pants are like a cross between your coziest baggy joggers and your favorite leggings, except they’ll make your butt look awesome.
Topshop Slim Jogger Pants
5. Don’t Be Weird About Your Socks
I know socks are at the bottom of your priority list, especially when you’re Netflix & Chilling and probably not leaving the house or putting on shoes, but if you’re the kind of person who always has to wear socks (aka weird), it’s something you need to think about. You can’t just be hanging out in your aloe-lined fuzzy socks from Bed, Bath and Beyond. I don’t care if you think that the slipper sock things you’re obsessed with make you look adorable, you’ve got to skip them for this one night. There’s nothing creepier than having to pause what you’re doing to take your socks off. This is just a bigger deal during Netflix & Chill because you obviously got dressed like 10 minutes before he came over. Just get a pedicure, or like keep a pedicure kit on deck for these kinds of times.
Clarisonic Pedi SMART Transformation Set
So you’re between S.O.s at the moment, or maybe your current relationship is way too casual to withstand the couple-y pressure of Valentine’s Day. Whatever the reason, the point is that you’re chilling by yourself on Feb. 14 this year, and obviously that means you’ll wind up watching Netflix. Not to sound like one of those obnoxious single-empowerment articles, but with a liberal application of alcohol, a true betch can enjoy herself in literally any situation, up to and including spending the dreaded V-Day alone. Honestly, it’s hard to have a bad night when you only remember half of it.
But I digress. Netflix and wine is, of course, one of the most magical combinations known to betchkind. Sometimes, though, the infinite variety is a little much, so I’ve narrowed it down for you.
1. Magic Mike + Champagne
What’s more romantic than Channing Tatum’s soulful eyes and a bunch of men in thongs gyrating to “It’s Raining Men”? Literally nothing, so celebrate the fact that you’re watching this glorious movie with Champagne. Unfortunately, you can’t pop a bottle all over Joe Manganiello’s abs, so drinking it is the next best thing. TBH I should end the list right here because I can think of literally no better way to spend Valentine’s Day than with alcohol and Magic Mike, but I’ll continue in case that’s (inexplicably) not your thing.
2. Sweeney Todd + Pinot Noir
Sweeny Todd is perfect for the bitter betch. Technically, it’s a love story—in between all the murder and cannibalism, everyone’s pining for each other—so it’s thematically appropriate for V-Day. Mostly, though, it’s about Johnny Depp brutally murdering everyone in sight and singing about it—which is exactly what you want to do to all the happy couples on Valentine’s Day but can’t because it’s illegal/generally frowned upon. To go with the human—er, pork pies—onscreen, drink a Pinot Noir.
3. The Princess Bride + Any 100-Proof Liquor
Yeah I know it’s not wine, but sometimes wine just doesn’t cut it. Use some of the strongest liquor available to man to numb the pain when you realize that you’ll never have a love as pure and beautiful as Westley and Buttercup’s. If it makes you feel better, we’re all in the same boat.
4. It Follows + Any Wine You Can Find
As a 90-minute metaphor for STDs, It Follows is the ideal movie for making people glad they’re not off banging someone with chlamydia. As a fucking terrifying horror movie, it requires an entire bottle of wine to handle without losing your mind. Honestly your choice of wine doesn’t matter here as long as it’s got at least a 14 percent ABV.
5. 10 Things I Hate About You + Two Buck Chuck
Riding solo on Valentine’s Day just means you get to fantasize about whomever you want. You know what that means? Time to break out a series of heartthrobs from your adolescence, beginning with the ever-dreamy Heath Ledger in 10 Things I Hate About You. In honor of Julia Stiles getting wasted and dancing on a table to Biggie Smalls, break out your shittiest wine, that six pack of cheap beer, and/or a handle of watermelon flavored Smirnoff—whatever takes you back to high school.
6. Love Actually + Petite Sirah
IDGAF that Love Actually is supposed to be a Christmas movie. It’s got the word love right there in the title, ergo it’s a Valentine’s Day movie. Obviously, a movie this sappy needs something dry to balance it out, like Petit Sirah and your wit.
7. Bridget Jones’s Diary + Chardonnay
If you haven’t already seen the greatest rom com of the 2000s, Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to watch it; after all, Bridget Jones herself has spent many a night alone on the couch. She’s also cracked open many a bottle of wine, so join her in drinking what your mom would call “too much Chardonnay.”
8. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes + Your Oldest Wine
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes has everything: A gold-digging Marilyn Monroe, fucking amazing costumes, and songs devoted to attractive Olympic athletes (“I Love What I’m Doing (When I’m Doing It For Love)”) and how diamonds are better than men (“Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend”). Since the musical came out in 1952, break out the oldest wine in your kitchen, aka the one you bought last week and forgot about until now. Just don’t attempt any at-home dye jobs, however strong the urge may be.
9. Tucker & Dale vs. Evil + Tempranillo
If you’re not masochistic enough to watch a horror movie by yourself but you’re still pissed at being alone on Valentine’s Day, you can get out that aggression with a horror-comedy like
your love life Tucker & Dale vs. Evil. There’s a lot of blood onscreen, which you can match by drinking a dark red wine like Tempranillo.
10. Tangerine + Rosé
Normally, I would never condone watching pretentious indie films because that’s for freaks who went to film school and grow out their armpit hair. That being said, Tangerine is a movie about a prostitute tearing through Los Angeles in search of her pimp/boyfriend who cheated on her when she was in jail. It’s also set during Christmas. Need I say more? No. To go with a movie whose premise is this dainty, you need the girliest of all wines: rosé.
11. Clueless + Wine Cooler
I have tragic news. The ‘90s classic Clueless, which made ‘90s girls everywhere believe in the power of love with your step brother (and more importantly, fashion), is leaving Netflix on Feb. 28. Since you can’t actually be with ultimate DILF Paul Rudd on Valentine’s Day, the next best thing is to watch Clueless all night. Of course, any movie set at a high school in the ‘90s deserves a throwback—time to break out the wine coolers you loved when you were 16.
12. Precious Puppies + Riesling
It sounds like something I just made up, but I promise this is literally real. Bless Netflix for gifting us with 45 minutes of puppies being precious. Watch Precious Puppies in bed, clutching a bottle of Riesling, then cry yourself to sleep.
Betches of the Northeast and Midwest, prepare to bitch about the weather like never before (or at least since 2014), because another Polar Vortex is on its way to fuck everything up. In case you were too wrapped up in your own drama to notice the last one, here’s a recap: In January 2014, Mother Nature watched too much Game of Thrones and decided that winter was fucking coming for America. Not just any old winter, but the coldest one since some of us were still fledgling betches on the playground. Needless to say, everyone spent it stuck inside somewhere. The lucky ones were at home with several bottles of wine; the not-so-lucky had to abandon their cars on the side of the road like it was the apocalypse.
Once you wound up somewhere warm and drunk, it was actually pretty fun. Which is nice, because apparently a less intense Polar Vortex is predicted to hit the Midwest and Northeast this week. I say this with utmost admiration: Mother Nature is a frigid bitch.
Obviously, the only way to deal with this is with alcohol and TV. Here are 9 wine/Netflix combinations to get you through the week.
New month, new ways to waste your life away on Netflix while you recover from an inadvisable number of tequila shots. Or when you’re bored AF at work. Or if your bestie dares to make plans without you, the traitor. The point is, it’s there for a betch no matter the situation, and unlike your last SO, Netflix is willing to make changes.
In fact, they just announced the lineup for February. To celebrate, here are the 10 betchiest shows and movies coming to Netflix next month.
1. Magic Mike
Magic Mike is the clear frontrunner for betchiest movie of all time. Mostly naked men! Binge drinking! ‘90s hits! So of course it was going to top this list. Gird your loins now.
2. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Season 2
Musicals aren’t every betch’s cup of tea, mostly because conveying emotion—especially through song and dance—is the definition of trying too hard, but we know a thing or two about the subject matter. Start bingeing Crazy Ex-Girlfriend now so you’ll have time to watch the new season when it hits Netflix on Feb. 1.
3. American Crime Story: The People v. OJ Simpson
Any SVU-loving betch has got a weak spot for true crime, and this is like your fave “Ripped From The Headlines” SVU episode on crack (say crack again). Plus it it’s got Ross from Friends playing Kim Kardashian’s dad. I would seriously contemplate paying to watch this, but fortunately, I don’t have to.
4. Paris Is Burning
The documentary looks kinda depressing, but we gotta support our sisters in drag.
5. Santa Clarita Diet
Drew Barrymore playing a California real estate agent-turned-zombie? It sounds like Flip or Flop meets Night of the Living Dead and I never knew that was something I needed.
6. Chef’s Table, Season 3
For when you want to feel sophisticated without actually having to do any of the work, season 3 of Chef’s Table comes out on Feb. 17. Warning: after watching this there is a 100% chance you’ll start referring to your PB&J sandwiches as “peanut purée and grape chutney on a brioche bun.”
7. Abstract: The Art of Design
Ditto, but with design instead of expensive food.
8. Sausage Party
NGL, this looked like the kind of idiotic material my little brother would spend hours memorizing in painstaking detail, but it also seems like something every stoner betch needs to watch. Plus, Seth Rogen as a hot dog. It’s probably only funny if you’re high out of your mind—not like that’s really a problem.
9. Girlfriend’s Day
Murder? Check. Cynicism? Check. (Why is this starting to sound like my memoir?) That dude from Breaking Bad? Check. My bottle of wine and I are so there.
10. Ultimate Beastmaster
Maybe an obstacle course reality show isn’t your thing. Maybe you have no joy in your life. It’s none of my business, but I’ll be binge-watching Ultimate Beastmaster as soon as it comes out.
I’ll leave you with a PSA: Clueless is leaving Netflix on Feb. 28, so start committing it to memory now.