If you haven’t been following the news, you’re probably enjoying your vacation on the remote island you’re currently on, and are in for a rude awakening when you return. If you have been keeping up with the news, you know that COVID-19 is getting really serious in the United States. Almost every college I know has switched to remote/online learning, governors across the country are shutting down schools, workplaces are mandating work from home policies, and cities all over the country are closing bars, restaurants, museums, gyms, and any gatherings over 50 people.
Luckily for introverts and lazy people alike, one of the most recommended ways to prevent further spread of the virus is to stay at home unless absolutely necessary. Seriously, just don’t leave your house if you can. If this is our generation’s war (as I’ve seen some tweets call it), at least we can fight it by sitting on our couches instead of going into trenches. While you might think you should be doing your work or your online classes, I’m using this quarantine to do something actually productive: catch up on Netflix shows. Some are old favorites and others have been on my “To Watch” list for a while. This is the ultimate list for all the most bingeable shows on Netflix for whatever mood you could possibly be in during this quarantine.
If You Need True Crime
Let me preface this by saying I am not a huge true crime fan, but I totally understand the fascination with it, and if nothing else, it will definitely make you think about other things besides the virus. Netflix clearly knows this, and has been pumping out the most gruesome and can’t-look-away content for years now. The amount of true crime on Netflix could last you basically forever if this quarantine goes that long.
‘The Trials of Gabriel Fernandez’
Okay, this seems like kind of a sad one to start the list with, but Netflix keeps promoting it to me and it’s exactly what true crime lovers will, well, love (but also hate, given the subject matter—you’ll see in a sec). Without giving too much away, Gabriel Fernandez was an 8-year-old boy who was failed repeatedly by the systems that were supposed to protect him. If you need a good cry that isn’t about the pandemic, this doc will give you that.
Unbelievable is a miniseries about a serial rapist in the state of Washington and Colorado. It’s based off a Pulitzer-prize-winning article titled “An Unbelievable Story of Rape” (which you can read online) and tells how two detectives in Colorado manage to connect a series of rapes in the two states, even after detectives in Washington were already convinced that one of the victims was lying. It was too hard for me to watch because it’s pretty graphic (at least the first episode), so I only read the article, but the story lives up to its title—unbelievable.
This show just came out last month, so it’s the perfect binge if you’ve already caught up on everything else. In 1999, Dan Schneider, a pharmacist in Louisiana, was on a mission to discover who killed his son in a drug-related shooting. He also begins to notice the healthy young people who come into his store with prescriptions for Oxycontin. Schneider attempts to expose fraudulent doctors, the Opioid Epidemic, and Big Pharma itself.
If You Need To Laugh
One thing that’s going to get me through the next two-to-undefined-amount of weeks is some nice, lighthearted humor and quirky characters that I can rely on. Netflix has tons of old sitcoms, and is now producing a lot of their own content to make you laugh as well.
This is perhaps my favorite show ever. When the uber-wealthy and out-of-touch Rose family goes bankrupt, the only place where they can land on their feet is a town called Schitt’s Creek, which Johny Rose had gifted his son David as a practical joke. They have to learn how to live like “normal” people in the small town, and somehow manage to make a home for themselves. Each family member is more kooky than the next, and I will be quoting it and chuckling to myself until the day I die.
‘Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt’
Kimmy is a “mole-woman” who was kidnapped and held hostage in a bunker by a crazy reverend for 15 years and has now relocated to New York, where she lives in a basement apartment with her musically gifted and lazy roommate Titus and eccentric landlord Lillian. Kimmy has to figure out how to be an adult in a real city and not let anyone take advantage of her kindness and naivete. I’ll warn you that once you hear the theme song you will never get it out of your head, but otherwise, this is the perfect show to binge if you want to smile.
‘The Good Place’
Let’s face it, we’re all going to hell. Unless, like Eleanor (Kristen Bell), we end up in The Good Place by mistake. Eleanor has to hide the fact that she’s actually not a good person from everyone there, but they help her realize that it’s never too late to change who you are, even after death. That’s good news for all of you procrastinators out there.
This is a newer Netflix-produced show that just came out with season 2. If you haven’t seen it, get started now because it is adorably awkward and funny. Otis, the main character, starts a sex therapy clinic at his school, despite never getting close to the actual thing himself. To everyone’s surprise, he is extremely successful and makes a lot of unlikely friends. It will remind of the best and worst parts of high school and nothing too stressful happens so it’s the perfect feel-good binge.
If You Need A Good Cry To Get It Out
I’m the type of person who doesn’t cry about real things happening in my life and then sees a dog get a new toy in a commercial and absolutely breaks down. These are scary times, and you might feel like you need to cry about them, but you just don’t seem able to. Watching TV is always a good excuse to get tears out of your system.
I’m pretty sure Shonda Rhimes made this show for the exact purpose of cathartic release. All 15 seasons of the medical drama following Meredith Grey and the other interns, residents, and attending doctors are available on Netflix, but if you want to cry, just go straight to any episode where a main character dies, which seems to happen about once a season.
Something about angry straight men getting cheered up and set back on track by five gay guys really cues the waterworks. All Antoni does is show them how to make guacamole and I start tearing up. The pureness of this show is unmatched and I highly recommend if you need to restore your faith in humanity.
If You Want A Feel-Good Show
If there was any time for TV to come through and cheer us up, it’s right now. These shows will help you relax and remember there was a happy time before all of this chaos, and there will be a time after.
Gilmore Girls is one of those shows that you will continue to rewatch for the rest of your life, with your mom, your sister, your friends, and maybe your future daughter. Once you know the characters you can basically watch any episode at any time and feel immediately comfortable. Let’s pretend the reunion episodes never happened and Stars Hollow is still having their cute small-town festivals every five minutes.
‘The Great British Baking Show’
What could be better than British people getting stressed over tiny cakes and pastries and Mary Berry making jokes about soggy bottoms? Nothing beats this show unless you start projecting your real-world stress onto whether the dough has proofed for long enough. Otherwise, you will pretty much love every contestant and will be happy for every single person when they win and sad for every single person when they lose.
If You Want To Watch Every Episode In The Next Four Days
I’m not sure why you would want to finish a series in a day when you may very well be here for a long time, but if you really need that distraction, there are some seriously bingeable shows on Netflix right now, and they’re calling your name.
I just started this show (I know, I’m behind), and I am appalled, horrified, disgusted, and in other words, absolutely addicted. Joe Goldberg sees a girl, Beck, at his bookstore and decides then and there that they are meant to be together and that he is the only one that can “save” her. He is willing to do whatever it takes to be with her, including kill her boyfriend. I haven’t watched season 2 and don’t want to look it up so that’s all I’ll give you, but it’s already one that I can’t get enough of.
This show is such a gem, and the fact that Netflix didn’t bring it back for a third season is an actual crime. The series is a satire of the ‘true crime’ genre craze. Two students conduct a “mockumentary” investigation of the vandalism pranks (i.e. drawing penises everywhere) occurring at their local public high school. American Vandal is hilarious and super easy to watch in one sitting, especially because the stakes are so low.
‘Dear White People’
Dear White People makes you feel every emotion all at once—laughter, sadness, anger, guilt, and more, and by the end of those five minutes, you’ll be obsessed. The fictitious Dear White People is a spin-off of the 2014 film of the same name and follows the lives of African-American students at a fictional Ivy League school. Each character in the show is so interesting and intense, and it’s easy to become immediately invested in each of their stories.
‘Parks and Recreation & The Office’
These are the shows you’ve already watched fully through probably more than once. The shows you throw on while folding laundry, cooking dinner, and trying to fall asleep. Whichever one you prefer, turn it on when you need to relax and watch an entire season in one sitting. The good thing is that you can scroll through IG while watching and not have to worry about missing anything too important.
If You’ve Been Behind On TV And Want To Catch Up On What Everyone Is Talking About
You know those shows that your friends keep texting you about and you seem to run into you everywhere you look but haven’t managed to get around to watching because of something called, uh, work? Well now you have no excuses, so start watching. You will finally have something to discuss at your Zoom cocktail party this Friday.
Making The Circle sound watchable and worth your time to a person who has never seen it is a fun little game I like to play about every single day. Basically, it’s a game show in which eight contestants can only interact with each other via a social platform called The Circle. There are catfishes, con-artists, romances, bromances, and so much more, and the winner gets $100,000.
‘Love Is Blind’
If you haven’t seen Love Is Blind, actually stop reading this list right now and go watch. See you in 10 hours. The premise of Love Is Blind is that men and women go on speed dates in pods while unable to physically see each other, in order to test if love truly is blind (say that last part in Vanessa Lachey’s voice). Some couples get engaged in the pods (sight unseen!) and the show follows them on their honeymoons and then to their weddings at the end of 30 days. Whether the cast is legit or just there because they’re influencers remains to be seen, but either way, it is a recipe for disaster.
Did the world get enough content out of Cheer? I feel like not. I could listen to Jerry mat talk every day for the rest of my life and never get tired of it. Cheer is a six-episode docuseries following the Navarro College Cheer Team as they make their bid for Nationals in Daytona, Florida. The cast is basically America’s heroes, and they have some of the most inspiring, intense life stories you’ll see all year. Let’s not forget that they have more athletic talent in their pinky fingers than I’ll ever have.
If You Want To Watch Political/Historical Drama To Distract Yourself From Current Political/Historical Drama
Maybe in 50-100 years, they will make a TV show about this moment in history. While that’s a nice thought, it doesn’t really help the immediate situation. However, while this is not scientifically proven, they say the best method for distracting yourself from the current political and historical crisis is to throw yourself into another period of political and historical crisis that conveniently has a TV show about it.
The Crown is the period piece I always wanted. Winston Churchill? English monarchy? Amazing outfits and hair? Say less. The show is about the life and reign of Queen Elizabeth II. It can be slightly hard to follow if you’re not a history buff or don’t know who everyone is and what was going on during the 20th century in England, so get your Wikipedia page ready on your phone while you watch.
‘The West Wing’
If only I could be a fly on the wall in the West Wing of The White House right now. But I can’t, so instead there’s The West Wing, which is a political drama about the fictional presidency of Josiah Bartlet, and which is regarded as one of the most influential shows of all time. Each episode basically follows the president throughout his day as he guides his team through legislative and political challenges (among longer, multi-episode story arcs). Wow, watching the president actually do his job? What a concept.
Outlander is the historical drama of all historical dramas. It’s 1946, and Claire, who was a nurse in World War II, is visiting Scotland with her husband. But while there, she is transported back in time to 1743 and lands among a group of Scottish rebels. She knows how history plays out and tries to help their cause, and also falls in love along the way. It’s basically two period pieces for the price of one, and has its fair share of love, war, and amazing costumes.
If You Want To Learn Another Language Through TV
Maybe you’re a betch who studied abroad and you want to reminisce on that time you were able to say “llámame” to a hot bartender. Or maybe these cheap prices are really making your travel bug itch. Please do NOT travel, but the next best cure is to watch a show in a different language. It will have your brain working overtime and make you feel slightly more intellectual as you click ‘next’ on the eighth episode in a row.
‘Call My Agent!’ (French)
Call My Agent! is centered at the A.S.K. talent agency in Paris. Each agent has to deal with the hijinks of the actors, writers, and directors that they manage, as well as the inter-office drama, which is heightened when the CEO unexpectedly dies. The actors in the show that the agents manage are all doing cameos, which I imagine would be really cool except that I don’t follow the French film industry so don’t recognize any of them. I am actually obsessed with this show and eagerly awaiting the next season, but in the meantime, I just tell every I know to watch it so we can discuss it.
Season 3 came out last week, and I have not shut up about it since. I would describe it as Gossip Girl, but instead of the Upper East Side, the show follows the scandalous lives of Madrid’s elite. However, that does not do it justice, because there’s a whole murder mystery aspect to the show. Elite is everything. The whole cast is so hot, and they just keep getting hotter every episode. I love it more every second and cannot look away.
Dark is a total mindf*ck and you probably need to watch it twice in order to fully understand it. It has been described as a German Stranger Things, and takes place in the aftermath of a child’s disappearance. The disappearance exposes the secrets of the small town and reconnects four estranged families to each other and to their pasts. The story takes place on three different timelines (1950s, 1980s, present) and there’s a lot of time travel involved. I can’t tell you that I was able to fully explain what happened after I finished it, but I can tell you that I loved it.
If You Want Crime Drama
Even if true crime is slightly too much for you to handle (I am right there with ya), that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a nice, fictional crime drama. These are for those of us who were way too into Pretty Little Liars in high school. Whether its murder, money-laundering, drug rings, or kidnapping, crime dramas are the most addicting shows, especially when you’re not sure what’s coming next.
Three suburban Michigan moms are tired of having to struggle to afford everything in their lives, so they decide to rob a supermarket in order to finally get the money they need. It would be okay if they just stopped there, but the supermarket robbery turns out to be way more trouble than they bargained for, and personally, I think they solve every problem they face with one bad decision after another, but I guess that’s how the show moves forward. Good Girls is a little lighter than your average crime drama, but every episode still keeps you wanting more.
Another white suburban couple who gets into way more trouble than they realized. Marty Byrde has to move his fairly ordinary family from Chicago to a resort community in the Missouri Ozarks after his money-laundering operation goes awry. But in Missouri, Marty gets involved with the wrong people, and soon finds himself needing to appease a drug boss. Season 3 just came out on Netflix, so you probably want to get started now.
Thank the lord for British TV. This crime drama has three seasons which revolve around the death of 11-year-old Danny Latimer and its aftermath. The show follows the detectives and Danny’s family as they battle with media attention, grief, and increasing suspicion of everyone in the town. I haven’t watched it yet, but everyone I know who has raves about it, so it is definitely next on my list.
Lost Girls, which premiered at the 2020 Sundance Film Festival and was released on Netflix only last week, is the story of Mari Gilbert as she attempts to make law enforcement care about the search for her missing daughter. In the process, she discovers a collection of unsolved murders of young sex workers in Long Island. The movie is based on the book of the same name and looks so intense that I will need to watch it in broad daylight and not in the dark hours of the middle of the night like I usually do.
The first season of this mystery crime series, which just came out on Netflix, is based on Harlan Corben’s novel of the same title. Adam Price has a seemingly perfect wife and family, but when ‘The Stranger’ arrives to tell him a secret about his wife, everything quickly begins to unravel. When his wife finds out what happened, she mysteriously disappears, leaving Adam to pick up the pieces. The Stranger threatens to expose the secrets of many characters in the show, and it becomes evident that people are hiding a lot more than you think in this quiet suburban community.
If You Want Dating Content To Distract You From The Fact That You Can’t Date RN
The best thing about dating shows and rom-coms is that you get to feel what it’s like to fall in love without actually having to put in the work to do it. Usually when I watch this type of content (save The Bachelor), it has me feeling some type of way. But in the current state of things, the hindrance to your love life could not possibly be your commitment issues, it’s the virus! Perfect time to ghost all your Ship matches and watch guilt-free.
‘He’s Just Not That Into You’
He’s Just Not That Into You follows four couples/women who are at different stages in their relationships as they try to figure out what their next move is and answer the burning question: if the person they’re dating is actually into them. I watched this movie the day it got added to Netflix, and I have two observations: 1) the trend of putting 8-10 beautiful people in a movie and forcing the viewer to do the work to remember all the connections is definitely out and 2) most of the movie’s plot points center around the characters barely knowing how to use a cellphone. Oh, to be back in 2009 again.
Dating Around is Love Is Blind’s less cool brother who laid all the groundwork in order for Love is Blind to succeed. The producers set up an NYC-based single on five blind dates, and then they choose the best match for their second date. Unlike Love Is Blind, the episodes are only 30 minutes and each storyline is contained in its own episode, so you don’t have to watch the whole season to figure out what happens. It’s a little easier to digest, and you don’t have to get as invested. The stakes are definitely lower, which makes this a good show to put in the background of whatever you’re doing.
There’s no need to explain the concept of The Bachelor at this point, but the exciting news is that it’s now on Netflix! For some reason, only Season 13. How hard is Jason’s agent working? I guess you can watch this if you’re nostalgic for the good ol’ days and mourning the postponement of production of every Bachelor franchise show for the next few months.
‘To All The Boys: P.S. I Still Love You’
Ah yes, Netflix released the long-awaited sequel of To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before on Valentine’s Day, so if you haven’t watched it yet, now’s the time. Lara Jean and Peter’s relationship is going swell, but when another mans comes to collect on his love letter, Lara-Jean goes into crisis mode. Because like, obviously your 6th-grade crush is real and true love and if he comes back into your life, you can’t miss out on that opportunity!
If You Want To Learn How To Cook
This quarantine might be the time to learn some of those adult life skills that you’ve been putting off, aka learning to cook and not just microwaving Trader Joe’s frozen food for every meal (as tasty as it is). Luckily, the days of calling your mom to ask how to preheat an oven are almost over; Netflix has your back. There are shows to inspire you and to teach, so get watching and cooking and then you can post your homemade meal on IG to brag.
‘Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat’
The four-episode show is the visual companion of Samin Nostrat’s 2017 book. Each episode focuses on one of these essential ingredients to successful cooking, as Nostrat travel to Italy, Japan, Mexico, and California to showcase how chefs are perfecting these elements around the world. Nostrat teaches you how to incorporate each element along the way, and the show has been lauded for its higher proportion for female chefs and home cooks compared to most cooking shows. It’s food, it’s travel, it’s happy, it’s everything you’re looking for.
‘The Chef Show’
God, for some reason I was seriously obsessed with the 2014 movie Chef, in which Jon Favreau goes on a road trip in a food truck with his son, and they bond for life. There’s one scene where he makes the most delicious looking grilled cheese and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. Anyway, I guess the movie inspired Jon to actually get into cooking, which is even more amazing, and he created The Chef Show for Netflix, where he and celebrity chef Roy Choi travel around the world (sometimes with other celebrity guests) to celebrate different flavors and cultures, and to learn the best techniques for their favorite recipes. Another wholesome travel and cooking series? Yes, please.
Each episode of Chef’s Table is a mini-documentary centered around a world-famous chef. The show attempts to tell the world these chefs’ stories, and what inspires them to make the food they do. I love the show because it really makes you think about food differently. Food is an art form, and the chef is an artist, rather than just sustenance and fuel. As with most cooking shows, each story is contained in one episode, so you can watch it without feeling like you have to binge or even know what’s really going on.
Wow, congrats if you made it to the end of this list, and I really hope it helps answer the dreadful “what should I watch?” question. The last thing I’ll say is that even in quarantine, you don’t have to Netflix and Chill alone. There is a chrome extension called Netflix Party which allows you to sync your screen with other viewers and gives you a chat box where you can discuss the show. There’s also an app called Airtime that lets you video conference with your friends, and you can watch videos live in-app so you can all react together. With Netflix’s help, we are going to make it through this.
Images: Free stocks / Unsplash; Beth Dubber, Eric Liebowitz, Gavin Bond, Sam Taylor, Tyler Golden, Adam Rose, Alex Bailey, Nick Briggs, Manuel Fernandez-Valdez, Jackson Davis, Jessica Kourkounis, Bettina Straus, Melissa Moseley / Netflix; The Trials of Gabriel Fernandez, The Pharmacist, You, The Great British Baking Show, The Circle, Love is Blind, Cheer, Call My Agent, Dark, The Stranger, Dating Around,The Chef Show / Courtesy of Netflix; Giphy (9).
You’ve probably been there: a couple of vodka sodas deep, contemplating leaving the bar, when you get that familiar “wyd?” text. Or maybe you’re alone on your couch watching your favorite Netflix show and scrolling through memes, when you come across a meme you know your ex would find hilarious… so then you’re the one who’s tempted to send that “wyd?” text. When it comes to the question of hooking up with your ex, the answer that immediately comes to mind is “no”. Or to be more precise, “hell no!” Whether you’re asking your friends for advice, talking to your therapist, or doing your nightly internet search for the very specific problems that only affect you, the general consensus seems to be that it’s best to steer clear of hooking up with an ex. Which is totally valid, considering they’re your ex for a reason. While I never advocate for backsliding, dating is not black and white—one could even say that when it comes to relationships there are, well, 50 shades of grey (sorry, couldn’t resist).
Like pretty much every girl ever, I hooked up with an ex. Let’s call him Jake, because that’s his name. (Sorry dude, but you have a really common name, I’m not changing it). Jake and I reconnected, aka Jake slid into my DMs. We broke up forever ago and stayed friends, meaning that I don’t currently have a Voodoo doll of him and didn’t burn all his pictures. Curious enough, I went, and four drinks and some serious eye contact later, we were “reconnecting’” in the backseat of his car. I’ll stop the story there, because, like, TMI. In the wake of judgmental stares and a barrage of “No, tell me you didn’t!” from friends, I figured that I could A) turn this hookup into an article and fulfill my lifelong dream of being Carrie Bradshaw, B) make my friends calm the F down, and C) do my part to eliminate the shame that is associated with hooking up with an ex. I researched, and then researched again (bravo, Jake), and discovered that hooking up with an ex doesn’t always have to be a negative thing. While a majority of the time the case for sleeping with an ex can be made to be a horrible-no-good-very-bad idea, I dared to wonder, could there be an upside? And if you’re going to do it, is there a healthy way to go about it, rather than shadily sneaking off from the bar and not telling your friends where you’re going? In order to answer that question, I spoke with dating expert Judge Lauren Lake of Lauren Lake’s Paternity Court, about the right way to hook up with your ex.
First things first, a big disclaimer: If your ex was a toxic, abusive, and/or a negative influence in your life, then do not go back to them in any way. You should keep that door locked, fly to a foreign country, and throw that key into the bottom of an ocean. Lake echoes this: “If you feel like the person will be able to manipulate you or play on your emotions, stay away. You should only interact with exes when there is mutual respect,” she says. This so-called “mutual respect” between exes may seem like a myth, but if you have experienced it and are considering diving back into those familiar waters, read on for some advice.
Be Realistic With Expectations
please present the signed permission slip from your therapist before approaching me romantically
— cranky beth (@marybethbarone) October 3, 2019
First and foremost, you should be honest with yourself. Figure out why you have the sudden urge to slide back into your ex’s DMs or to answer that “I miss you” text. Go ahead and check all that apply: Are you bored? Lonely? Horny? Do you actually miss them? Actually miss their genitalia? There are no wrong answers, but it’s important to know yourself. According to Lauren Lake, “Hookups with exes are common. Sometimes it’s about unresolved feelings and sometimes it’s just about missing the physical connection.”
With that foundation set, you then need to be realistic about what you’re expecting from these (probably) two minutes of passion. Do you want to rekindle the relationship and get back together? If that’s the case, then I highly suggest that you communicate this to your ex beforehand, because sex will not fix a broken relationship. Lake advises, “If things are heating up, it’s best to pause and make sure you are on the same page. If not, one person may think it is the first step to getting back together, or that it may be an ongoing hookup, while the other may have no intentions to ever hookup again.” To put it bluntly, just because your ex has sex with you doesn’t necessarily mean that they will want to get back together—they probably just wanted to have sex. Sorry, but it’s true. Best to save yourself the back-and-forth and figure that sh*t out beforehand.
On the flip side, if you’re just a human with urges and want someone that feels familiar, comfortable, and who knows what you like, then sex with your ex can be a positive thing. If both of you are on the same page of your soap opera romance, then you can relieve any pressures about pursuing an emotional connection and just enjoy your carnal lovemaking (no details pls). Lake puts it best: “Just because the relationship went bad, doesn’t mean the sex did.” She’s got a point.
But, before you book an Uber to their place, remember that communication is always key. It’s pretty much impossible to have a one-night stand with someone that you have a history with, typically because a one-night stand does not come with an entire matching bedroom set (i.e. your past and baggage). “Since you’ve already had a relationship with the person, it wouldn’t be a one-night stand, but it could be a one-more night stand,” says Judge Lauren Lake. So like, just be clear as to why you want this and what you want out of it.
Caution: Mixing Business With Pleasure
Me and my ex communicating like…. https://t.co/8ysg6N9ZT7
— Ruby ✨ (@Rubyyyyy23) August 19, 2019
Once you’ve established your intentions, at least within your own mind, you should then consider the implications of jumping back into old roles. This mainly applies to those of us who would like to explore a strictly physical reunion. If you want to avoid any mixed signals or catching feelings, then it would be wise to avoid slipping back into the original dynamics of your relationship, like going on dates. Groundbreaking, I know. Sure, you can go to their place for a glass of boxed wine or a casual night of “Netflix and chill” (do the kids still do this?), but be wary of going out to dinner, a movie, the bowling alley (I don’t know what you do in your free time). Basically, don’t do things that can, by any measure, be considered a formal date. I know that going out to brunch the morning after and letting your ex pay sounds tempting (and like a good way to save money), but if you do that, you risk blurring the lines of what is just a hookup and what is the beginning of a relationship. Do you know what they call two people who go out for a night on the town and then have sex later? A couple. Sorry, but you’re dating.
It can be easy for both of you to revert to how you were when you were in a relationship, holding hands and packing on the acceptable amount of PDA. But if you’re just looking for a casual hookup, then this isn’t the foreplay you should be doing. Lake explains, “‘Playing house’ for a few days may allow you to feel the euphoria of the honeymoon phase in your relationship without remembering all the problems and issues that drove you apart. You may begin to feel attached again, only to realize later that the relationship still doesn’t serve you.” Even if you aren’t planning on continuing this pattern, having a one, two, three day, whatever-it-may-be relationship with your ex isn’t any better than getting back together and breaking up again. You’re still doing it, just not officially, leaving more room for confusion and (ugh gross) feelings.
Well, Is there An Upside?
Ultimately only you can decide if hooking up with your ex is a good idea or not. Every relationship is different, and what may be right for you may be totally wrong for your friend’s roommate’s cousin or whoever. That said, if you and your ex parted ways mutually, respectfully, and otherwise amicably, then getting with an ex can be fun and something to chat about at brunch with your friends appropriately named Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda. Judge Lauren Lake says, “The upside would be that you already know one another, care for one another, and have mutual respect. All of these things can lead to an enhanced sexual experience, and the opportunity to experience the connection again, even if it’s just for one night.” In other words, it doesn’t have to be an automatic no… just be smart about it.
So there we have it. Go ahead and take the shame out of going back for seconds and feel free to engage in a super-hot moment in the backseat with someone that knows you (emotionally and physically-wink, wink), respects you, and has the same intentions. Provided they do respect you and have the same intentions. When all that is accounted for, hooking up with an ex can be great, and possibly worth a standing ‘O’vation.
When contemplating your next move, just ask yourself, is the box of condoms half empty or half full?
Images: Sky Cinema / Shutterstock.com; @marybethbarone, @Rubyyyyy23, / Twitter, Giphy (2)
Hellooooo 2020. Not only are we celebrating this new decade, but Netflix is too. This decade flew by. I mean, don’t you remember good old 2010? I was wearing braces and watching Hannah Montana every night and worrying about what I would be wearing for #BatMitzvahSzn, what were you doing? Though I still watch Hannah Montana on Disney+ today, Netflix has brought in the new decade with some new (and old) amazing shows and movies. Since we’re all going to be deathly hungover and not moving from our beds on New Year’s Day, I thought I’d round up what’s going to be new on Netflix in January. Forget about those resolutions, grab some SkinnyPop and let’s get started.
‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’
Bueller?… Bueller?… Bueller? You’ve probably seen this movie a million times at sleepaway camp and can quote every line, making it great background noise while you scroll through Instagram.
‘A Cinderella Story’
Can we just talk about how Hilary Duff (Sam Montgomery) wore a wedding dress to her High School Halloween party? Like um, what? And also how her entire identity is obscured just by covering the skin around her eyes? Plot holes aside, this movie is a classic and Hilary Duff deserves the world.
J.Lo stars in this feel-good funny movie to watch on a boring day. If you have ever met, dated, or even married a “Mama’s Boy,” you can totally relate to their horrible challenging mothers.
‘New York Minute’
2004 Mary-Kate and Ashley star as two teenage girls who find themselves dealing with many problems while adventuring through Manhattan on a school day. Which sounds like every other Mary-Kate and Ashley movie, just with the city switched out, and that’s because it is. My favorite part is Eugene Levy (Max Lomax), the school’s obsessive truant officer, following their every footstep to try and catch them.
‘Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory’ and ‘Charlie And The Chocolate Factory’
The classic Gene Wilder and new(ish) Johnny Depp films will both be available for you to watch in January while you binge eat chocolate. Not gonna lie, swimming in a pool of chocolate like Augustus Gloop did is still a dream of mine… if I drown, so be it.
‘Big Fat Liar’
Throwback to when Amanda Bynes was doing well and Frankie Muniz was relevant. Ah, the good old days. Big Fat Liar is such a classic. When Jason Shepherd’s (Frankie Muniz) class paper gets stolen by Hollywood producer Marty Wolf (Paul Giamatti) to turn into a movie, he travels to LA with his best friend Kaylee (Amanda Bynes), and tries to break into show business—literally.
Need I say more? Well, I will. Meryl Streep and Amanda Seyfried are on Netflix in one of our favorite movies to sing along with. Enjoy these songs being stuck in your head for days…
Netflix can’t get enough of Meryl Streep, obviously. But seriously, this movie is fantastic and depicts the true story of efforts made by The Washington Post journalists to publish the Pentagon Papers. Learn your history, betches.
I’ve seen Inception. You’ve seen Inception. Every guy who thinks he’s deep has seen Inception and claims it’s his favorite movie. Still, it’s got Leo DiCaprio and Joseph Gordon Levitt, so I don’t know what else you really need. Plus you can get high and debate if it really was ~all a dream~
‘Spinning Out’: Netflix Original Series
This new series is about Kat Baker, a competitive figure skater who dreams about making it to the Olympics. After she takes a disastrous fall, she is taken out of the competition and her dream. But then, a boy appears (as always) and helps Kat continue her career in skating as a duo. Together, they face challenges, injuries, and some emotional breakdowns. Get your tissues prepared.
‘Grace and Frankie’: Season 6
After a long wait, one of our favorite pairs are back on Netflix with a new season. There isn’t too much info on what’s going to happen in this season just yet, but we do know that Grace’s marriage to Nick at the end of last season will def carry some tension in the episodes to come.
‘The Ranch’: Final Season
So, I am in love with Ashton Kutcher and that is the main reason I have watched this show, NGL. The show is about Colt Bennett (Kutcher) who returns home to his family’s ranch in Colorado after a failed semi-pro football career to run the family ranching. business. And no, human trash bag Danny Masterson isn’t in the final episodes, so you don’t have to worry about supporting him.
‘Next in Fashion’
Hosted by Queer Eye’s Tan France and fashion it-girl Alexa Chung, this new fashion design competition is about to be epic. Over 10 episodes, 18 designers compete in rounds based on design trends and styles that influence what people wear worldwide. Can I say make it work??
‘AJ and the Queen’: Season 1
This is the first original comedy series by world-famous drag queen RuPaul. In the series, Ruby Red, a penniless drag queen, travels across America to hit different clubs while developing an unlikely sidekick named AJ—an 11-year old orphan. This new series is expected to have a lot of glitz and glam, so be excited.
‘Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’: Part 3
This series is the much darker and edgier reboot of Sabrina the Teenage Witch from our childhood. It follows the magical story of secret witch Sabrina Spellman (Kiernan Shipka). The new season will be thrilling, as Sabrina recovers from defeating her father Lucifer. Damn, and you thought your dad was evil because he cut you off from his credit card…
‘Good Girls’: Season 2
This crime-comedy series is about three suburban moms who enter a life of crime after robbing a grocery store. It’s a great show that stars Christina Hendricks, Mae Whitman, and Retta (Donna Meagle from Parks and Rec). Think Breaking Bad, but female and funny.
Usually, this would be the point where I would say, “It’s fine that some shows and movies are leaving because others will take their place!” but I can’t say that this month. I’m sad. Super sad. Friends will be leaving Netflix, and I can honestly say that I’m hurt and might not be okay. No one told me life was gonna be this way. Movies leaving Netflix this month are: Grease, Becoming Jane, Something’s Gotta Give, Good Luck Chuck, Zombieland, and Revolutionary Road. At least I can binge away my sorrows with all the new stuff, but it won’t be the same.
Images: @charlesdeluvio / Unsplash; GIPHY (16)
Ah, November. The sweet time of the year when everyone is either still hungover and reliving their glory from Halloween (your costume wasn’t even that great, chill), or already setting up their Christmas tree and writing their Hanukkah wish list. There. Is. No. In. Between. Despite the fact that Thanksgiving is around the corner, nobody really seems to care about #turkeyszn. But, fear not! I’m here to make the irrelevant month of November more relevant again. Here are some new shows and movies coming to Netflix in November that you can get excited about.
It’s finally here! You may have seen my recent article on a new Grease series that is yet to come, but honestly, what can ever compare with the original? Grease is the ultimate classic you can enjoy with bae, your mom, your friend, or alone. Get your pink jackets, poodle skirts, and singing voices ready, ladies!
Netflix, did we just become best friends? Thank you for bringing us the joy of watching Brennan and Dale’s rivalry and brotherhood blossom and the laughs that is Step Brothers. Having a bad day? Need a pick-me-up? This is the perfect comedy to turn on and cry of laughter to. I love you, Will Ferrell.
‘A Bad Moms Christmas’
Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell, and Kathryn Hahn. An amazing trio, I must say. A Bad Moms Christmas is the perfect feel-good and hilarious holiday movie about three overworked moms who rebel against the expectations of motherhood during Christmas time. If you’re already prepared to sit on Santa’s lap this week, this is the movie for you. Let’s get in the holiday spirit! P.S. Kristin Bell is me during the holidays.
‘A Holiday Engagement’
Bonnie Somerville stars in this this holiday rom-com about a woman named Hilary Burns who constantly feels pressure from her mother to marry (same, girl), and when her new fiancé suddenly breaks up with her, she scrambles to find a replacement. So, she hires an actor to pose as her fiancé in front of her family, as ya do. Honestly, the only reason I even know Bonnie Somerville is from her role as Mona on Friends, but this movie is a pretty fun storyline to follow. Oh also, Hilary Duff’s sister, Haylie, stars as the snobby sister, so that in and of itself should be your reason to watch.
‘Queer Eye’: We’re In Japan!
The wait is finally over. It’s been a long three months without JVN on our Netflix screens, but the Fab Five are back and truly better than ever. They are abroad in Japan to help four Japanese men and women find confidence in themselves. Unfortunately, the season is only four episodes long, so pace yourselves accordingly.
‘The Crown’, Season 3
The Netflix series—which won the 2017 Golden Globe for Best Drama and a handful of Emmys, is back with season 3 spanning from 1964 to 1977. Yeah, 13 years of history is a lot to get through. The show follows the reign of Queen Elizabeth II and the ups and downs of the royal family. What’s interesting about the show is that the actors change every two seasons. For this season, actress Olivia Colman will take over as Queen Elizabeth, Tobias Menzies as Prince Philip, and Helena Bonham Carter as Princess Margaret.
‘The Great British Baking Show: Holidays’, Season 2
Dig out your ugly Christmas sweater because The Great British Baking Show is back for Season 2 for the ho-ho-holidays. This holiday extravaganza will see competitors from past seasons of the show reunite under the tent. Paul Hollywood and Prue Leith are back judging this season, and the fans are going wild. We’re in for a treat, literally.
‘Atypical’, Season 3
This Netflix drama follows Sam Gardner, an 18-year-old who’s on the autism spectrum, who decides it’s time to find love. His journey sets his mom and family on their own path as Sam seeks independence. In the new season, Sam starts his first year of college and is faced with the challenge of figuring out what success means for him. The show is a great presentation of life in a family, specifically with a special needs child. If you haven’t seen the show yet, I definitely recommend trying it out.
Unfortunately, when one door opens, one must close *sobs*. While we are so excited about what’s to come this month, we also have to face what we are leaving behind. Here are the movies leaving Netflix this month: Caddyshack and Caddyshack 2, Chasing Liberty, Groundhog Day, Sex and the City: The Movie, The House Bunny, Mamma Mia!, and Coco. Enjoy them while you can!
Images: Becca Tapert / Unsplash; Giphy (8)
October used to remind everyone that there are other climates aside from violently hot, but we are already two days in and it is 88 motherf*cking degrees outside. Not to worry, though, Global Warming is totally some really elaborate and well-executed prank by China, everyone! Anyway, hopefully October will stop feeling like the inside of an oven sometime soon, because Netflix just added a plethora of amazing new content and I want to be able to binge without feeling guilty about never going outside. When it’s hot out, I feel like I should be tanning at the beach, swimming in a lake or drinking on a rooftop. You know, just enjoying the great outdoors. When it starts getting chilly, as it is supposed to do in October, I am pretty content laying in bed with some SkinnyPop and a solid queue on deck. If this sounds like a great way to spend every night of the week, keep reading for our top new Netflix picks for October.
Because I always arrive exceedingly early to movies, I was able to see the trailer for the new Charlie’s Angels starring
the most random cast ever Kristen Stewart, Naomi Scott and Ella Balinska, and I have to admit, I’m not impressed. Am I wrong for being loyal to the OG girl gang? Even though the jokes were corny af and the special effects were the definition of amateur hour, Charlie’s Angels was and will always a masterpiece that should have stayed in the early 2000s. If you need reminding, the original and Full Throttle will both be gracing Netflix in October, so do yourself a favor and give it a watch.
I’m getting aggressive nostalgia vibes with Netflix’s new lineup, because Ocean’s 13 is finally here. Matt Damon, George Clooney, and Brad Pitt? I wasn’t old enough to appreciate these smokeshows when the movie came out in 2007 because I was too busy obsessing over Jesse McCartney, but now, as a 26-year-old woman with taste, I am all for this trio in Hollywood’s most epic fictional heist. If you were also too young to understand the plot when it premiered during the simpler time that was 2007, watch it now because it’s the kind of amazing that only these three foxes could serve. It’s also the third and final movie in the Ocean’s trilogy, so even though it marks the end of an era, there’s always the female reboot of Ocean’s 8, which came out last year. Obv not as good because it’s not the same without Clooney, but I’m all for a cast of badass bosses making Anne Hathaway look like a f*cking idiot.
‘Peaky Blinders’ Series 5
On a very long train ride, I stumbled upon the show’s Instagram account and, I have to say, Cillian Murphy looked damn good. So I spent the remainder of the train ride watching the entire first season, and I’m not mad about it. The British show follows the exploits of the crime-ridden Shelby family in a post-World War I England. The family is actually based on a real gang who called themselves, you guessed it, Peaky Blinders, which has got to be the cutest gang name I’ve ever heard. The show is really good and feels like a cross between Downton Abbey and The Sopranos. If that didn’t pique your interest, I don’t know what to say to you.
‘Schitt’s Creek’ Season 5
I am very behind on this show, so I wish I could be as pumped about the fifth season as some of my coworkers are. Even with my limited exposure (I’m on season 2), I can tell it’s amazing. It’s the kind of show you can quote endlessly. I put this on when I need to chase a scary movie with some witty banter, or when I’m painting my nails and want some background noise. Also, if you’ve ever seen Best In Show, the couple who owned the terrier is in Schitt’s Creek! They’re also essentially playing the same characters minus the dog, so, there’s that. Highly recommend this show if you need a laugh or are in the mood for something made in 2019 that isn’t a sh*tty remake.
The only word to describe Penelope Cruz in Blow is “goals.” Like Peaky Blinders, Blow is based on a real gang and a real event, but that’s about the only thing these two productions have in common. Blow, as the name indicates, zeroes in on American cocaine smuggler George Jung, and his time spent doing business with the Medellin cartel. As you can imagine, things didn’t go well for our boy George (played by Johnny Depp). Penelope’s character ends up marrying George, but the two do not live happily ever after. For those mad about spoilers, you’ve had 18 years to watch it, so sorry, I’m not sorry. This movie reminds me of a more romantic Sicario, so do with that observation as you will.
‘The Time Traveler’s Wife’
Not to be that person, but the book is significantly better than the movie. The Time Traveler’s Wife is f*cking sad, so if you’re in the mood to drown in a pool of your own tears, put this sobfest on. I feel like the title says it all, but if you’re unfamiliar with the plot, here it is in one sentence. Regina George meets her future husband when she is a child and he is a full-grown adult, but their marriage problems are a little worse than most because he travels through time unexpectedly. Even though it sounds painfully cheesy, it’s actually great and Rachel McAdams’ performance is reminiscent of a slightly older Allie Hamilton, but with her sh*t together.
‘Haunted’ Season 2
Truth be told, I do not watch this show because I have the fear management of an infant, but if you’re into scary sh*t, you’ll like this show. Netflix says, “This reality series, which comes from the producers of The Purge and Lore, provides viewers with a chilling glimpse into first-person accounts of supernatural events.” Yep, I will not be watching this since I couldn’t even make it through the preview of The Purge.
I saw this movie by myself in a theater because the girl I was supposed to see it with got into her first fight with her boyfriend as we were standing in line to purchase our tickets. Unfortunate circumstances aside, I still loved this movie because Catherine Zeta-Jones and Aaron Eckhart have some seriously steamy chemistry. The movie is a classic rom-com with a tiny sprinkle of untimely death, so you will laugh and you will cry. Head chef at a swanky New York restaurant, Catherine Zeta-Jones is your typical no bullsh*t perfectionist whose world gets turned upside down when her sister dies and her niece becomes Catherine’s responsibility. Great movie that I highly recommend for a night in with Pinot.
‘Shine On with Reese’ Season 1
Horrible name, but our favorite mini human Reese Witherspoon gave into the public’s demand and started her own talk show! She only interviews women, which I am definitely down for, and she does a fantastic job. Her guests are also super varied, so get ready to hear from people like country music icon Dolly Parton and Spanx founder Sara Blakely and everyone in between. Why didn’t she start doing this decades ago? I would have definitely watched an early 2000s Reese interview America’s fiercest female leaders.
‘Living with Yourself’
The only allure of this show is the fact that Paul Rudd is in it. It hasn’t come out yet, but the trailer looks a little suspicious to me. According to Wikipedia, LWY “follows the story of a man who, after undergoing a mysterious treatment that promises him the allure of a better life, later discovers that he has been replaced by a doppelgänger.” I mean, minus the doppelgänger part, this sounds exactly like the plot of Deadpool. Tell me I’m wrong.
A few goodies saying goodbye in October include, Julie & Julia, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Pineapple Express and The Carrie Diaries: Seasons 1-2, which honestly doesn’t sound like a huge loss to me. we’ll be busy enough with the new shows and movies to cry over Pineapple Express leaving.
Images: Thibault Penin / Unsplash; Giphy (10)
Schools are almost out, and it’s time to relax and let loose. And by “let loose” I mean stay in on a Friday night for some Netflix and chill. There are some incredible original movies coming to the streaming platform this month, like Wine Country and Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile. Two totally different movie night-vibes there, but excited for both equally the same. I mean, a movie directed by Amy Poehler, and another starring Zac Efron? That’s pretty much all I could ever ask for in life! And from my streaming service nonetheless! Is that sad??? Maybe. Do I care??? Nope. So here are the TV shows and movies hitting Netflix this month that we’re most excited about, plus a few that we’re well, not so much.
1. ‘Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery’ & ‘Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me,’ May 1st
If you’ve been getting out your DVDs or VHS tapes to watch your favorite Austin Powers movies, then you’re an idiot and very behind on the times. But, no need to beat yourself up, you can now sit back and relax because these iconic movies will be available on Netflix as of May 1st. And, as if people don’t overuse Austin Powers movie references enough, expect them to be in full force this summer with these two titles now available for streaming. Guess you could say it’s both a blessing and a curse.
2. ‘Knock Down The House,’ May 1st
When I first saw this movie title, I assumed it was some Netflix interpretation of Bringing Down The House, an iconic cinematic masterpiece that I’d be super on board for a revival of. Unfortunately, it’s not. And even more unfortunately, it’s a political documentary. Again, I’m not the ideal customer for this kind of sh*t, considering my tastes in entertainment are superficial and far from deep. But, for those of you with more complex taste than myself, this documentary documents (woah, imagine that) four progressive women who ran for Congress in the midterm election, and one candidate’s ultimate success in doing so. It’s said to be hopeful and inspiring, so maybe I will actually put a pause on re-watching old Vanderpump Rules episodes to give this one a shot. I mean, I could use some hope and inspiration from someone other than Tom Sandoval to get me through my week, so we’ll see.
3. ‘Chasing Liberty,’ May 1st
Chasing Liberty is the epitome of a classic rom-com from the early 2000s. I mean, you have Mandy Moore at the height of her being Mandy Moore, playing the president’s daughter who can’t get the secret service off her back long enough to actually date boys. Tragic, right??? Tbh, idk if I’ve ever actually even seen this one, or if I’m just confusing it with that Disney channel movie with Hayden Panettiere that had basically the same exact plot. Either way, I now can’t get the song “My Date with the President’s Daughter” out of my head. Honestly, such a bop.
4. ‘Wedding Crashers,’ May 1st
Like, if this isn’t the best movie ever for staying in bed all day hungover, then I don’t know what is. Everyone loves Wedding Crashers, and this classic comedy hits Netflix this May, just in time to cure your Memorial Day hangover. Thanks for thinking of us, Netflix!!! It almost negates the fact that you’re increasing your monthly fee. Almost. Then again, wtf do I care, I don’t pay for this. Shouts out to whoever is, though, I appreciate you!!
5. ‘John Carter,’ May 2nd
I’m going to be honest, this is one I’ll probably skip. I had actually never even heard of this movie so I asked my sister’s boyfriend, who is a TV and movie connoisseur, about it and his exact summary was, “it’s a SciFi movie with good actors and a cute love story.” And sorry, but like, ya lost me at “SciFi.” I’m a religious watcher of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, so needless to say, I’m not really a SciFi gal. But for those of you interested, it’s a Disney movie based on a book, and is about an ex-military captain who somehow randomly wakes up on Mars (talk about the Sunday scaries) and is now faced with saving a bunch of randos. I mean, talk about “I didn’t sign up for this sh*t.”
6. ‘Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile,’ May 3rd
If you didn’t fall in love with Zac Efron as Troy Bolton in High School Musical, then you’re either too young or too old to be here rn. Stop what you’re doing and go watch this instant classic I think we can all agree that Zac Efron is a babe. And he has only gotten hotter with age. HOW?!?! And he’s going to be playing Ted Bundy, the infamous serial killing heartthrob??? Sign me up! I mean, in all seriousness, it’s kind of dangerous that he’s playing this character. It’s totally just going to further confuse hopeless romantics everywhere, making them believe that the serial killer-like tendencies of the guy they’re dating (but like actually, beyond just not texting you back for three days) are just something you can “fix.” Just kidding. But I will be excited to watch this.
7. ‘Lucifer’ Season 4, May 8th
So like, I don’t watch this show but maybe I should, because people are pretty hype for its return. Season 4 comes to Netflix this month, and like I just said before, people are stoked. Apparently, this show has some real stans because after it was canceled by Fox after season 3, fans campaigned for it to come back. I mean, just because something has passionate, loyal fans doesn’t mean it’s a winner *cough cough Donald Trump* but this show does look kind of good. And the lead guy is hot as sh*t, so that’s probs reason enough for me to give it a whirl.
8. ‘Wine Country,’ May 10th
Well, when you have a new movie starring half the adult cast of Mean Girls, you know you’re in store for a treat. Not to mention, it also has Maya Rudolph, Rachel Dratch, and Paula Pell. Plus, as if that star-studded cast isn’t enough, the whole thing is directed by Amy Poehler. Expect your Insta feed to be flooded with stories of girls having wine nights together to watch this movie. And no shade to them, cause I’ll be grabbing my gals and doing the same. I mean, the premise is a girl’s weekend, very basic plot line. And like, if the cast wasn’t so good, then it would probs be a movie I’d never see. But, with a cast of women who genuinely make me laugh with everything they do, I’ll have this in my queue the day it comes out.
9. ‘Wanda Sykes: Not Normal,’ May 21st
Wanda Sykes’ first one hour Netflix special comes this month, titled “Wanda Sykes: Not Normal.” Apparently the special surrounds our current f*cked-up political and cultural climate. And considering how f*cked-up the world truly is right now, there’s no doubt in my mind Wanda will have some great jokes for us on the matter. Bring it on, Wanda.
10. ‘When They See Us,’ May 31st
This is a limited miniseries surrounding the wrongful conviction of five men of color over a female jogger who was beaten and raped. It’s based on the true story of the Central Park Five and documents the breakdown of our criminal justice system. Honestly, the trailer is chilling, and if that’s not enough reason to watch, recently admittedly guilty Felicity Huffman is a main character in the drama. And, she’s playing the assistant district attorney who presided over the case and was a huge contributor to the infamous f*ck-up. Ironic, I know.
There are tons of other popular titles on the list coming for May that I’ve heard of, yet haven’t seen. So if I didn’t mention your beloved movie or show (like, relax Hairspray stans) there’s no need to come for me. Feel free to utilize the comments section for good, and promote said movie or show that you clearly feel so irrationally passionate about. If that’s what helps you sleep at night, who am I to stop you?
Images: @charlesdeluvio / Unsplash; GIPHY (5)
Guys, I know it feels like all I write about on this website are Hollywood’s favorite barely legal thirst traps and Bella Thorne, but the heart wants what it wants, and I won’t apologize for that! Speaking of my limited interests, a few weeks ago I was over here hyping my boyfriend Noah Centineo’s new movie The Perfect Date. I may have alluded to it being the next To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before on the rom-com scale of one to I WOULD DIE FOR PETER KAVINSKY, and, y’all, I may have spoken too soon on this one. I know what you’re thinking: how can the guy whose big acting break involved playing “Jose #2” on a network that does nothing but cater to the whims of 8th grade girls (and myself) ever do any wrong? Well, Sierra Burgess was strike one, not responding to my thinly veiled come-ons in his DMs was strike two, and Brooks Rattigan is goddamn strike three.
Even though I did call out sick from work to watch this movie the minute it dropped on Netflix (and, no, HR apparently doesn’t consider looking at Noah Centineo’s abs a proper mental health day. This means war, Melissa!), I had, like, so many emotions after watching it, and most of them weren’t great. So, to spare you from the same fate I suffered, here’s my
cautionary tale recap of the movie.
The movie opens with us immediately being introduced to Noah’s character: Brooks Rattigan. We learn that Brooks is both smart and hunky, but was born on the wrong side of the tracks. Being poor means that of course Brooks can’t get laid to save his life )despite the fact that he has that face and presumably people in this movie have working eyes) or get into college (despite the fact that it is established that he is a smarty pants). K. And I thought his character’s name was going to be the hardest pill to swallow. Sighs. Nevertheless, I shall persist.
We quickly find out that it’s not that Brooks can’t get into any college; it’s that he can’t get into Yale. I guess his dad’s professor pension wouldn’t cover much of a bribe. He wants to go to an Ivy League school because, just like every f*ckboy I’ve ever matched with on a dating app, his idols are Steve Jobs and Elon Musk. If he did even one simple Google search on his idols he would have learned that neither of his idols actually attended an Ivy League, but fine.
DAD: Why don’t you want to go to UConn? I teach there so the tuition is virtually free. You’d have no debt and get a great education!
Actually his exact words were “UConn is like that girl down the street who eats food in bed and smells like it,” which I take personal offense to because I am that girl and THOSE ARE FIGHTING WORDS, BROOKS.
To hammer this “I’m poor” point home, we find out that Brooks works at an off-brand Subway in the hopes of paying for college, one five-dollar footlong at a time. Just as he’s losing hope, a rich guy from his high school shows up complaining about having to take his cousin, whom he all but describes as Quasimodo, to her school dance.
RANDOM RICH GUY: I have to take my cousin to her school dance tonight even though Madison said I could put just the tip in later tonight!!
I’ve seen the trailer for this movie so I knew this was coming, but I’m still so alarmed. Brooks, a virtual stranger to this guy, immediately asks to step in so long as he can drive his nice car and get paid AND THE GUY SAYS YES. This is your flesh and blood, and you’re willing to foist her off to the first guy who offers just so Madison can give you a half-hearted blow job later?? I’m disgusted.
Enter the sad girl aka Celia Lieberman. We find out that the reason Celia is sad and undateable is because she’s a feminist and hates wearing strappy heels! Her family not only doesn’t question that a stranger is picking her up instead of her cousin, but they actually seem grateful to get this shrew off their hands for an evening. The life lessons I’m taking away from this movie are… astounding.
Cut to the dance, where we get a lot of forced banter and lukewarm chemistry from the two of them. It’s like the writers are trying too hard to make Celia quirky and Brooks charming and it’s just not working for me. After coercing Celia onto the dance floor even though she says she doesn’t want to dance and she’s the paying customer here (Haven’t you heard, Brooks? The customer is always right!) he all but hobbles Celia with his sh*tty footwork as he tries to spy on beautiful, rich girl Shelby, who’s taking shameless selfies in the corner.
So, let me get this straight. He steps on his date’s foot while BLATANTLY checking out another girl right in front of her and this is supposed to be a perfect date? I mean, this is a date that I’ve been on before, but I wouldn’t call it perfect by any means.
Brooks, despite all of his actions proving otherwise and Celia even saying she did not have a good time, decides he’s so good at being a date that he will create an app to turn this stand-in thing into his side hustle! First of all, he makes creating an app sound about as easy as creating a Gmail account. Second of all, THIS IS TEENAGE PROSTITUTION. He is essentially pimping himself out for money! If the roles were reversed and a girl was playing Brooke Rattigan, the movie would end with her death!
Brooks gets his tech wizard of a best friend to help him create the app. To convince him to help he implies that this app will look great to colleges. As if an app that promotes the prostitution of a minor is the equivalent of joining the drama club. K. They fondly refer to the app as Grubhub but with a human trafficking twist. I paraphrase.
Cut to a montage of him going on various dates with women. I know it’s several dates based off of all the costumes. Why does this town have more themed events than my sorority did in the entire 4 years I was in college?
Celia ends up calling him because she needs his services for a second date to make her crush, Franklin, jealous and Brooks shameless drops the name of his app. Again, he sounds like every f*ckboy I’ve matched with on a dating app. Celia does not look appropriately enough disgusted by this info.
They show up at Shelby’s party where Brooks immediately tries to ditch Celia so he can shamelessly flirt with Shelby EVEN THOUGH HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE CELIA’S DATE. Celia, sweetie, I’d be taking that out of his tips if I were you.
They both separate to flirt with their intended targets: Shelby and Franklin. Both conversations feel about as painful as listening to a recording of your own voice. I’m cringing. Brooks finds Celia after he’s done hitting on another woman (remember, ladies, he’s the perfect date!), but it’s all good because he found ice cream. Celia compares Brooks to her favorite flavor of ice cream, vanilla, and it’s the most I’ve appreciated her wit all movie.
Brooks and Celia’s weird pimp/hoe relationship continues to blossom. Celia gets Brooks an interview at Yale, Brooks tells Celia she’s weird and confident and someone might find that attractive eventually, and Celia learns that Brooks has mommy issues. This is the real turning point here. She goes from “you’re a cocky asshole I would never date” to “you’re a cocky asshole because your mom abandoned you and now I’m wet.” See, Brooks, she is just like all the other girls!
Celia tries to deny her feelings by going on a date with Franklin. Remember, this is her crush, the guy she was into because she thought he was artistic and real. She quickly finds out that he’s got about as much artistic integrity as a bride-to-be trying to defend her farmhouse chic aesthetic. Ain’t that the way the cookie always crumbles, Celia?
FRANKLIN: You and Brooks remind me of a couple of dung beetles.
Honestly, I couldn’t have phrased it better myself, Frankie.
Moving on to the scheduled breakup. Celia wears strappy heels for the evening letting us know that she’s ready to compromise her sense of self for a dude who has commitment issues. Honestly, so relatable. During the very public breakup he throws her private insecurities that she divulged to him in secret in her face in front of the entire school. While Celia is getting emotionally eviscerated, Shelby is trying (and failing) to look like the whole thing isn’t getting her wet.
SHELBY: I heard you just verbally assault your girlfriend back there…
Like, am I taking crazy pills here? Why does everyone think this guy is a catch? Is being the “perfect date” synonymous with being a perfect d*ck? Because I do not understand why all of these girls are into him. Shelby and Brooks immediately start making out while I question my entire gender.
Fast forward to Shelby and Brooks’ date, and it’s not going well. Shelby is starting to find out what we’ve known for the past 60 minutes of this godforsaken movie: that Brooks has no personality and zero ambition other than getting into Yale. He’s really lucky he has that great smirk tbh.
Upon entering yet another high school dance (how many can this school possibly have in the span of a few weeks?) Shelby finds out about Brooksie’s little side hustle. Okay, I know she’s supposed to be the big shallow bitch here, but she is the only one in this entire movie who has an appropriate reaction to finding out Brooks is a teenage gigolo. THE ONLY ONE.
It’s only after Shelby dumps his ass out of sheer disgust that Brooks crawls on back to weird but confident Celia (his words, not mine).
CELIA: It turns out I’m more into oblivious, self-absorbed pricks.
God! She’s insulting you, Brooks! Could you just this once not look like a smug piece of sh*t?
After two different girls dump Brooks, he starts to realize that maybe pimping himself out for money isn’t the desirable of a quality to have. I’m slightly alarmed that there’e only eleven minutes left in this movie and he’s only just figuring this out. I’m even more alarmed that upon telling his dad he’s a male gigolo all his dad says is “I was wondering what those late nights were about.” That’s it, I’m calling child services.
BROOKS: I just feel like you gave up on life. You’re a loser, dad.
BROOKS’ DAD: Um, I’m actually a tenured professor and we live in a modest home and I can afford to send you to college for virtually nothing so why don’t you get off my hump?
THANK YOU, SIR. I’ve only been yelling this at my TV for the last 90 minutes.
Brooks realizes there’s only one girl he wants and it’s
Celia the one with self-esteem issues who might take him back. He lures her to a coffee shop under the pretenses that he wants her to read his college essay, when really, it’s a letter of his intent to be with her. It’s the only cute thing he’s done all movie. She takes him back, and, let’s face it, I would too. The end.
Despite the fact that I have done nothing but sh*t on this movie for the entirety of this post, I didn’t completely hate it. But the reason I watch these rom-coms is to find a little of that rom-com hero magic we got from Peter Kavinsky, and Brooks Rattigan was no such hero. If you were on the fence about watching this one, I’d say maybe wait and hold out until Noah actually reprises his role as Peter Kavinsky because this one left me with more feelings of rage than that absurd excuse for a Mueller report.
Images: Giphy (6)
The devil works hard, but Netflix works harder. After dropping enough true crime documentaries to entertain me into the next century, and a new
thirst trap movie starring none other than everyone’s favorite internet boyfriend, Noah Centineo, they have done one better and made a movie starring our favorite female comedy trio: Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Maya Rudolph. That’s right. The gang is back together again in a new movie called Wine Country, out May 8 in select theaters and May 10 on Netflix. Wow, so rude that Netflix would make all my dreams come true by putting three of my favorite women together in one movie, and then crush all those aforementioned dreams by making me wait a whole month to see it. I feel scammed, hustled, hoodwinked, led astray!!
Wine Country is one of those comedies about longtime best friends—think Bridesmaids or Girls Trip. In it, Amy Poehler’s character, Abby, plans a 50th birthday Napa getaway for her friend Rebecca (played by hilarious SNL alum Rachel Dratch). Along for the ride are the rest of their crew: workaholic Catherine (Ana Gasteyer), post-op Val (Paula Pell), homebody Jenny (Emily Spivey), and weary mom Naomi (Maya Rudolph). As you can imagine from your own encounters with wine, once these ladies get a few glasses deep, things get out of control. I mean, the last time I went on a wine tasting, I went from zero to “so I don’t think I’m capable of love” real quick, so I can only imagine what’s going to happen in a comedy directed by Amy Poehler.
I’m not saying Wine Country is going to be the next best thing since Mean Girls, but I will say that with this cast, I’m probably going to watch it. (That’s saying a lot coming from me—I don’t tend to watch movies on Netflix because I have commitment issues picking one.) I just hope that with this star-studded cast, Netflix doesn’t bamboozle us and give us a bad movie. Only time will tell! Wine Country drops on Netflix May 10, so I’m going to stock up on my favorite sauvignon blanc just in time for the occasion.