In my free time, I like to overthink all of the potentially embarrassing things I’ve ever done or said in front of other human beings. On the off chance that I have run out of things to cringe over, I give my nerves a break from roasting myself and instead put the heat on a topic that’s been hammered into my little noggin since I first developed spatial awareness: why do celebrities look so good, and how can I do it, too?!
Although I could be reasonable and focus on the facts (entire teams of people are paid to primp them and they generally have incredible genetics), there are a few incredibly cursed claims that I simply cannot unhear. If my brain sounds like a horror movie, that’s because it is. Except, instead of a bloody figure popping up in the mirror while I’m winding down for bed, it’s the ghost of a celebrity sponcon post touting a holy grail beauty product and a discount code that will essentially shave $1 off the retail price. Here are a few unrealistic things celebs have said about how they look so good. These tend to pop into my head usually when I’m perusing CVS for a product that will drastically change my appearance (without breaking the bank), or when I’m simply in a phase of blissful self-confidence, during which I’m convinced simply drinking enough water is making me objectively stunning.
Don’t Let Your Body Tell People How Old You Are
Do you have at least five Kardashian-Jenner quotes floating around your head at all times of the day, or are you normal? (I am truly just a girl caught between “phone eats first,” and Kim’s deranged mantra: “Instagramming photos of food isn’t sexy.”) Ever since Khloé shared her “new mom beauty routine” with Vogue, I’ve been unable to shake the sound of her voice from my subconscious when I get ready each morning. After toning, Khloé says she lathers SPF 46 on her face, hands, neck, and chest, “because this is where we all show our age.” Sorry, but that’s essentially my entire body? You mean to tell me that my entire body… shows my age? Damn. It really do be like that. Now, when I moisturize and apply sunscreen, I make sure to work the product all the way down to my toenail cuticles, lest anyone do the math and find out when I graduated college. Next, I cycle through five different photo editing apps and gaslight anyone with access to photos I haven’t doctored first. (But trust: I owe it all to the SPF.)
Stop Being A Potato
You know what will totally save you after a long night out? Potatoes. Unfortunately, you will not be eating hash browns, but you will be rubbing them on your face if you subscribe to the ways of Lauren Conrad, who once suggested, “to reduce puffiness, slice up a few refrigerated potatoes, soak them in water for a moment or two, and then place them over your lids for 15 minutes. Works like a charm.” Although, I have to wonder: if I am the kind of person who is whimsical enough to calmly sit with chilled potatoes on my face, what lifestyle mistakes am I making to suffer from puffiness in the first place? There must be some other habit I can eliminate. LC, LMK.
Enough With the “I’m Practically A Vegan!” Charade
During a chat with Extra, Halle Berry revealed that if you want to glow, you simply cannot be vegan. Relax, vegans, she did not call it out like that, but if you want to be beautiful, you’ll have to be able to stomach potentially seeing an animal carcass. Her skin care secret is simple: homemade bone broth. “You can go to the butcher and get all the bones they’re going to throw away and he’ll give them to you for free. Take the bones, boil them up for 24 hours… and you drink the broth. It’s so full of collagen that it’s crazy.” You heard it here, folks. It is officially free to look like Halle Berry.
Beauty Is Pain
Oh, the $28 Glossier serum you use to decrease inflammation isn’t working wonders? You should probably trash it immediately and opt for nature’s fix: letting a bunch of bees sting you. If you’re feeling skeptical, let Gwyneth Goop Paltrow calm your nerves: “I’m open to anything. I’ve been stung by bees. It’s a thousands of years old treatment called apitherapy,” she told the New York Times. “People use it to get rid of inflammation and scarring. It’s actually pretty incredible if you research it. But, man, it’s painful.” Perhaps the best part of Gwyneth’s suggestion is that even she doesn’t sound sold on it… which somehow makes me want to try it even more? It’s like when you meet a friend for a Starbucks run, and when she takes one sip of the $11 unnaturally colored drink and says, “This tastes like shit,” your first instinct is to grab it and try it for yourself.
But Also, Don’t Worry Because Everything Is Optional!
Bella Thorne has done a lot of things that made the internet collectively scream, “Oh no!” so it’s understandable if you missed the day everyone was spiraling over her beauty routine. The former Disney star revealed, “I don’t use moisturizer or anything,” which is simultaneously the most reassuring and troubling statement I’ve ever heard in my life. When a casual happy hour turns into all-night karaoke, the one thing I can typically manage to do when I get home is slap some kind of hydrating concoction over at least a portion of my face. If I lose sight of the most foundational skin care rule, I’m not really sure where I’ll end up next. But on the other hand, I know that even if I finally pull the trigger on the $70 Drunk Elephant moisturizer that’s been sitting in an online cart for a week, I’m still going to wake up and reenact Mia Thermopolis’ “This is as good as it’s going to get” scene from The Princess Diaries every day for the rest of my life.
Images: Alexander Tamargo/Getty Images for Good American
I don’t know about you guys, but I was first introduced to the concept of natural deodorant from holistic wellness expert extraordinaire Kourtney Kardashian. At first, I thought this was just another one of Kourtney’s crazy health and wellness fads. Like, I’m out here wearing Dove prescription strength deodorant, how could anyone possibly survive with a natural deodorant? So, like most of you, I carried on with my super strong drugstore deodorant, chalking it up as another one of Kourtney’s delusional health crusades. Well, particularly in the past year or so, we’ve been bombarded with info about how bad these non-natural deodorants we’re using really are, and all the potentially harmful ingredients they contain. *Sigh.* Considering I’d like to live a long and happy life, I finally came to the decision to make the switch to natural deodorant. But doing so definitely hasn’t been easy. Here are the three most popular natural deodorants I’ve tried, and my honest experience with each.
Kopari Coconut Deodorant, $14
This natural deodorant by Kopari is hands down my fav. If you listen to podcasts (like legit any at all) you’ve heard the hosts rave about this product—and I’m here to vouch, it’s for good reason. This is a coconut deodorant that’s non-toxic and aluminum-free, with plant-based active for odor protection. The deodorant glides on smooth, smells fresh and nice, and contains lauric acid, which is antibacterial. It’s also an Allure “Best of Beauty” winner and personally, I only f*cks with winners, so this one’s my go-to.
Lavanila The Healthy Deodorant, $14
I love the warm, soft scent of this one (I tried the “pure vanilla” scent), and as one of the OG natural deodorants, you can trust it’s legit. It goes on smooth, and uses essential oils to fight odor while nourishing and soothing your underarms. This one is dermatologist-recommended and non-irritating, therefore if you tend to have sensitive skin, this is a great option. For me, though, it just wasn’t strong enough. Look, I sweat, okay? And with The Healthy Deodorant, I found myself having to apply it multiple times throughout the day. As an OG it’s good, but newcomer Kopari is more of what I need.
Megababe Rosy Pits Daily Deodorant, $18
I wanted so badly to love this one because I love its creator Katie Sturino, who is famous for bringing fashion to the forefront for women bigger than a size 2. Unfortunately, I didn’t love Megababe’s deodorant as much as I was hoping to. The scent of this deodorant is sort of musky and floral, similar to that of some old potpourri at your grandma’s house. (Disclaimer, I don’t love aggressively floral scents for myself, so I may have been biased to start.) This one lasted longer than The Healthy Deodorant, but I still needed to apply it more than once per day. I definitely felt my pits getting a little more wet with this one than with the other two. So, between the wetness and musky floral scent, this one was a no-go for me.
Overall, I didn’t hate any of these, and if you’re going to make the switch, I recommend trying a few out. Just because a certain one didn’t work for me, doesn’t mean it won’t work for you! All of our bodies are different, and react differently to certain products and ingredients. So don’t be discouraged if my fav isn’t your fav. Look, not to bring it back to Vanderpump Rules (who am I kidding, I always bring it back there), but I loved season one Stassi, even when she was deemed the bitch of reality TV, and I also wasn’t initially a Lala fan, but now I’m her biggest stan. So what I’m trying to say is that, just like as long as you’re watching Vanderpump Rules, regardless of who your fav is, you’re doing it right. Similarly, as long as you’re making the switch to natural deodorants, whichever one works for you, you’re doing it right.
Images: @billiebodybrand / Unsplash; Sephora (2); Ulta
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Now that we’re in the second month of summer and the second most important summer holiday is over (National Tequila Day is first, fucking obviously), your Insta game is more important than ever. In order to make up for the fact that you haven’t done shit this summer, like backpack across Europe or anything remotely sophisticated, I’m sure your v loyal followers can assume all you’ve done is swim with basic pool floats and that you may become an alcoholic sooner than later. More likely than not, this is probs the story of your life because there are only so many times you can Insta yourself on a rooftop with a pretty drink without looking desperate AF. Luckily, it’s not socially acceptable to post what you’re actually doing (i.e., sleeping, bingeing Netflix, eating our weight in food) because god forbid people see what a disappointment to your family loser you really are.
Before summer ends, do yourself a favor and bring out your inner narcissistic, egotistical self Kim Kardashian with a glow-up so no one knows you wasted the summer away. Here are six essential tips for nailing a solid selfie that will get you triple digit likes without having to do like, 23,456 takes.
1. Find Good Lighting
Um, fucking duh. Although you’ll look like a complete freak running around your house holding your phone in front of your face, your roomie will totally know that you’re just finding good lighting. Because this is like, the most important. Natural light is best for selfies because lamps can make you look yellow and/or diseased. Face a window that gets a lot of sunlight for best results, so that way your skin looks clearer and softer—like what your fave animal Snapchat filter does for you.
2. Choose Between A Crazy Or A Simple Background—There Is No In-Between
As much as you have to look flawless, your background is v important too. Obviously, the better the background, the more likes. If you’re living it up somewhere across seas or jumping out of a plane, make sure to capture a selfie right in the middle of it all. Or if your only background is your bedroom, find a plain wall to sit in front of. This draws (even more) attention to your features.
3. Slightly Angle Your Phone Down, Show Your Left Cheek
Okay, this is like, kind of hard. Everyone wants their phone angled to make them look skinnier, which is the goal, but too much or too little can make you look fucking awkward. Instead of drastically angling your phone downward like you would on MySpace (#tbt), you only want to slightly angle your phone down (that 30 degree rule is real) just enough where it barely looks as though you are. At the same time, turn your head to the right to show off your left side—IDK, science says this is your most flattering side. Don’t forget to put on a ridiculous amount of highlighter to accentuate your cheekbones.
^^^ We could learn a thing or two from Ariana.
4. Try To Look As “Natural” As Possible
This one is a little bit of a lie but, then again, who doesn’t edit their selfies? Nothing is real when it comes to Insta. If you want to smile in your selfie, that’s fine because maybe your ex will think for even a second that it isn’t forced. However, your fans probs want something new, like a sexual smize that doesn’t look like you’re weirdly squinting or having menstrual cramps. You may have to practice your “love is eternal” face but it’ll be worth it, I swear. Do it for the likes.
5. Blue Is Your Best Hue
Whether you’re wearing it, hanging out by the water, or next to a wall, try to incorporate the color blue somewhere in your picture. Google Research says people are more attracted to the color blue and therefore, more willing to like your pic if it has blue in it somewhere. Don’t get crazy and try to pull a bold blue lip, though. It’s not going to work.
6. Wait Until Thursday Anytime From 5-7pm
Lastly, after editing the pic enough that you look like a second-cousin-twice-removed of the Kardashian-Jenner clan, wait to post your picture until optimal posting time. For Insta, that’s usually Monday or Thursday outside of work hours. Unless your selfie shows something worthy of scrolling through from your weekend, don’t post a duckface on Monday. No one fucking likes Monday, everyone is miserable, and I’m probably crying so no, I’m not going to like your selfie. If you wait until Thursday after you get out of work, chances are everyone will like it during their commute home. It’s like, pre-Friday, so spirits are high and so are the chances of getting triple digit likes.
